9

There was a rusted metal clapper in the door, a half-sphere with a handle in the center, and when I twisted the handle, it made the sound of someone retching—a muffled, gagging sound that did not carry very far. I waited, but nothing happened. I twisted the bell again, but no one came. Then, testing the door with my hand, I saw that it wasn’t locked—pushed it open, paused, and went in. The front hall was empty. To my right was the staircase, with its mahogany banister and bare wooden steps; to my left were closed double doors, blocking off what was no doubt the parlor; straight ahead there was another door, also closed, that probably led to the kitchen. I hesitated for a moment, decided on the stairs, and was about to go up when I heard something from behind the double doors—a faint tapping, followed by a voice I couldn’t understand. I turned from the staircase and looked at the door, listening for the voice again. Nothing happened.

A long silence. Then, almost in a whisper, the voice spoke again. “In here,” it said.

I went to the doors and pressed my ear against the crack between them. “Is that you, Fanshawe?”

“Don’t use that name,” the voice said, more distinctly this time. “I won’t allow you to use that name.” The mouth of the person inside was lined up directly with my ear. Only the door was between us, and we were so close that I felt as if the words were being poured into my head. It was like listening to a man’s heart beating in his chest, like searching a body for a pulse. He stopped talking, and I could feel his breath slithering through the crack.

“Let me in,” I said. “Open the door and let me in.”

“I can’t do that,” the voice answered. “We’ll have to talk like this.”

I grabbed hold of the door knob and shook the doors in frustration. “Open up,” I said. “Open up, or I’ll break the door down.”

“No,” said the voice. “The door stays closed.” By now I was convinced that it was Fanshawe in there. I wanted it to be an imposter, but I recognized too much in that voice to pretend it was anyone else. “I’m standing here with a gun,” he said, “and it’s pointed right at you. If you come through the door, I’ll shoot.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Listen to this,” he said, and then I heard him turn away from the door. A second later a gun went off, followed by the sound of plaster falling to the floor. I tried to peer through the crack in the meantime, hoping to catch a glimpse of the room, but the space was too narrow. I could see no more than a thread of light, a single gray filament. Then the mouth returned, and I could no longer see even that.

“All right,” I said, “you have a gun. But if you don’t let me see you, how will I know you are who you say you are?”

“I haven’t said who I am.”

“Let me put it another way. How can I know I’m talking to the right person?”

“You’ll have to trust me.”

“At this late date, trust is about the last thing you should expect.”

“I’m telling you that I’m the right person. That should be enough. You’ve come to the right place, and I’m the right person.”

“I thought you wanted to see me. That’s what you said in your letter.”

“I said that I wanted to talk to you. There’s a difference.”

“Let’s not split hairs.”

“I’m just reminding you of what I wrote.”

“Don’t push me too far, Fanshawe. There’s nothing to stop me from walking out.”

I heard a sudden intake of breath, and then a hand slapped violently against the door. “Not Fanshawe!” he shouted. “Not Fanshawe—ever again!”

I let a few moments pass, not wanting to provoke another outburst. The mouth withdrew from the crack, and I imagined that I heard groans from somewhere in the middle of the room—groans or sobs, I couldn’t tell which. I stood there waiting, not knowing what to say next. Eventually, the mouth returned, and after another long pause Fanshawe said, “Are you still there?”

“Yes.”

“Forgive me. I didn’t want it to begin like this.”

“Just remember,” I said, “I’m only here because you asked me to come.”

“I know that. And I’m grateful to you for it.”

“It might help if you explained why you invited me.”

“Later. I don’t want to talk about that yet.”

“Then what?”

“Other things. The things that have happened.”

“I’m listening.”

“Because I don’t want you to hate me. Can you understand that?”

“I don’t hate you. There was a time when I did, but I’m over that now.”

“Today is my last day, you see. And I had to make sure.”

“Is this where you’ve been all along?”

“I came here about two years ago, I think.”

“And before that?”

“Here and there. That man was after me, and I had to keep moving. It gave me a feeling for travel, a real taste for it. Not at all what I had expected. My plan had always been to sit still and let the time run out.”

“You’re talking about Quinn?”

“Yes. The private detective.”

“Did he find you?”

“Twice. Once in New York. The next time down South.”

“Why did he lie about it?”

“Because I scared him to death. He knew what would hap pen to him if anyone found out.”

“He disappeared, you know. I couldn’t find a trace of him.”

“He’s somewhere. It’s not important.”

“How did you manage to get rid of him?”

“I turned everything around. He thought he was following me, but in fact I was following him. He found me in New York, of course, but I got away—wriggled right through his arms. After that, it was like playing a game. I led him along, leaving clues for him everywhere, making it impossible for him not to find me. But I was watching him the whole time, and when the moment came, I set him up, and he walked straight into my trap.”

“Very clever.”

“No. It was stupid. But I didn’t have any choice. It was either that or get hauled back—which would have meant being treated like a crazy man. I hated myself for it. He was only doing his job, after all, and it made me feel sorry for him. Pity disgusts me, especially when I find it in myself.”

“And then?”

“I couldn’t be sure if my trick had really worked. I thought Quinn might come after me again. And so I kept on moving, even when I didn’t have to. I lost about a year like that.”

“Where did you go?”

“The South, the Southwest. I wanted to stay where it was warm. I travelled on foot, you see, slept outside, tried to go where there weren’t many people. It’s an enormous country, you know. Absolutely bewildering. At one point, I stayed in the desert for about two months. Later, I lived in a shack at the edge of a Hopi reservation in Arizona. The Indians had a tribal council before giving me permission to stay there.”

“You’re making this up.”

“I’m not asking you to believe me. I’m telling you the story, that’s all. You can think anything you want.”

“And then?”

“I was somewhere in New Mexico. I went into a diner along the road one day to get a bite to eat, and someone had left a newspaper on the counter. So I picked it up and read it. That’s when I found out that a book of mine had been published.”

“Were you surprised?”

“That’s not quite the word I would use.”

“What, then?”

“I don’t know. Angry, I think. Upset.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I was angry because the book was garbage.”

“Writers never know how to judge their work.”

“No, the book was garbage, believe me. Everything I did was garbage.”

“Then why didn’t you destroy it?”

“I was too attached to it. But that doesn’t make it good. A baby is attached to his caca, but no one fusses about it. It’s strictly his own business.”

“Then why did you make Sophie promise to show me the work?”

“To appease her. But you know that already. You figured that out a long time ago. That was my excuse. My real reason was to find a new husband for her.”

“It worked.”

“It had to work. I didn’t pick just anyone, you know.”

“And the manuscripts?”

“I thought you would throw them away. It never occurred to me that anyone would take the work seriously.”

“What did you do after you read that the book had been published?”

“I went back to New York. It was an absurd thing to do, but I was a little beside myself, not thinking clearly anymore. The book trapped me into what I had done, you see, and I had to wrestle with it all over again. Once the book was published, I couldn’t turn back.”

“I thought you were dead.”

“That’s what you were supposed to think. If nothing else, it proved to me that Quinn was no longer a problem. But this new problem was much worse. That’s when I wrote you the letter.”

“That was a vicious thing to do.”

“I was angry at you. I wanted you to suffer, to live with the same things I had to live with. The instant after I dropped it in the mailbox, I regretted it.”

“Too late.”

“Yes. Too late.”

“How long did you stay in New York?”

“I don’t know. Six or eight months, I think.”

“How did you live? How did you earn the money to live?”

“I stole things.”

“Why don’t you tell the truth?”

“I’m doing my best. I’m telling you everything I’m able to tell.”

“What else did you do in New York?”

“I watched you. I watched you and Sophie and the baby. There was even a time when I camped outside your apartment building. For two or three weeks, maybe a month. I followed you everywhere you went. Once or twice, I even bumped into you on the street, looked you straight in the eye. But you never noticed. It was fantastic the way you didn’t see me.”

“You’re making all this up.”

“I must not look the same anymore.”

“No one can change that much.”

“I think I’m unrecognizable. But that was a lucky thing for you. If anything had happened, I probably would have killed you. That whole time in New York, I was filled with murderous thoughts. Bad stuff. I came close to a kind of horror there.”

“What stopped you?”

“I found the courage to leave.”

“That was noble of you.”

“I’m not trying to defend myself. I’m just giving you the story.”

“Then what?”

“I shipped out again. I still had my merchant seaman’s card, and I signed on with a Greek freighter. It was disgusting, truly repulsive from beginning to end. But I deserved it; it was exactly what I wanted. The ship went everywhere—India, Japan, all over the world. I didn’t get off once. Every time we came to a port, I would go down to my cabin and lock myself in. I spent two years like that, seeing nothing, doing nothing, living like a dead man.”

“While I was trying to write the story of your life.”

“Is that what you were doing?”

“So it would seem.”

“A big mistake.”

“You don’t have to tell me. I found that out for myself.”

“The ship pulled into Boston one day, and I decided to get off. I had saved a tremendous amount of money, more than enough to buy this house. I’ve been here ever since.”

“What name have you been using?”

“Henry Dark. But no one knows who I am. I never go out. There’s a woman who comes twice a week and brings me what I need, but I never see her. I leave her a note at the foot of the stairs, along with the money I owe her. It’s a simple and effective arrangement. You’re the first person I’ve spoken to in two years.”

“Do you ever think that you’re out of your mind?”

“I know it looks like that to you—but I’m not, believe me. I don’t even want to waste my breath talking about it. What I need for myself is very different from what other people need.”

“Isn’t this house a bit big for one person?”

“Much too big. I haven’t been above the ground floor since the day I moved in.”

“Then why did you buy it?”

“It cost almost nothing. And I liked the name of the street. It appealed to me.”

“Columbus Square?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t follow.”

“It seemed like a good omen. Coming back to America—and then finding a house on a street named after Columbus. There was a certain logic to it.”

“And this is where you’re planning to die.”

“Exactly.”

“Your first letter said seven years. You still have a year to go.”

“I’ve proved the point to myself. There’s no need to go on with it. I’m tired. I’ve had enough.”

“Did you ask me to come here because you thought I would stop you?”

“No. Not at all. I’m not expecting anything from you.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I have some things to give you. At a certain point, I realized that I owed you an explanation for what I did. At least an attempt. I’ve spent the past six months trying to get it down on paper.”

“I thought you gave up writing for good.”

“This is different. It has no connection with what I used to do.”

“Where is it?”

“Behind you. On the floor of the closet under the stairs. A red notebook.”

I turned around, opened the closet door, and picked up the notebook. It was a standard spiral affair with two hundred ruled pages. I gave a quick glance at the contents and saw that all the pages had been filled: the same familiar writing, the same black ink, the same small letters. I stood up and returned to the crack between the doors.

“What now?” I asked.

“Take it home with you. Read it.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Then save it for the boy. He might want to see it when he grows up.”

“I don’t think you have any right to ask that.”

“He’s my son.”

“No, he’s not. He’s mine.”

“I won’t insist. Read it yourself, then. It was written for you anyway.”

“And Sophie?”

“No. You mustn’t tell her.”

“That’s the one thing I’ll never understand.”

“Sophie?”

“How you could walk out on her like that. What did she ever do to you?”

“Nothing. It wasn’t her fault. You must know that by now. It’s just that I wasn’t meant to live like other people.”

“How were you meant to live?”

“It’s all in the notebook. Whatever I managed to say now would only distort the truth.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No, I don’t think so. We’ve probably come to the end.”

“I don’t believe you have the nerve to shoot me. If I broke down the door now, you wouldn’t do a thing.”

“Don’t risk it. You’d die for nothing.”

“I’d pull the gun out of your hand. I’d knock you senseless.”

“There’s no point to that. I’m already dead. I took poison hours ago.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You can’t possibly know what’s true or not true. You’ll never know.”

“I’ll call the police. They’ll chop down the door and drag you off to the hospital.”

“One sound at the door—and a bullet goes through my head. There’s no way you can win.”

“Is death so tempting?”

“I’ve lived with it for so long now, it’s the only thing I have left.”

I no longer knew what to say. Fanshawe had used me up, and as I heard him breathing on the other side of the door, I felt as if the life were being sucked out of me. “You’re a fool,” I said, unable to think of anything else. “You’re a fool, and you deserve to die.” Then, overwhelmed by my own weakness and stupidity, I started pounding the door like a child, shaking and sputtering, on the point of tears.

“You’d better go now,” Fanshawe said. “There’s no reason to drag this out.”

“I don’t want to go,” I said. “We still have things to talk about.”

“No, we don’t. It’s finished. Take the notebook and go back to New York. That’s all I ask of you.”

I was so exhausted that for a moment I thought I was going to fall down. I clung to the doorknob for support, my head going black inside, struggling not to pass out. After that, I have no memory of what happened. I found myself outside, in front of the house, the umbrella in one hand and the red notebook in the other. The rain had stopped, but the air was still raw, and I could feel the dankness in my lungs. I watched a large truck clatter by in the traffic, following its red taillight until I couldn’t see it anymore. When I looked up, I saw that it was almost night. I started walking away from the house, mechanically putting one foot in front of the other, unable to concentrate on where I was going. I think I fell down once or twice. At one point, I remember waiting on a corner and trying to get a cab, but no one stopped for me. A few minutes after that, the umbrella slipped from my hand and fell into a puddle. I didn’t bother to pick it up.

It was just after seven o’clock when I arrived at South Station. A train for New York had left fifteen minutes earlier, and the next one wasn’t scheduled until eight-thirty. I sat down on one of the wooden benches with the red notebook on my lap. A few late commuters straggled in; a janitor slowly moved across the marble floor with a mop; I listened in as two men talked about the Red Sox behind me. After ten minutes of fighting off the impulse, I at last opened the notebook. I read steadily for almost an hour, flipping back and forth among the pages, trying to get a sense of what Fanshawe had written. If I say nothing about what I found there, it is because I understood very little. All the words were familiar to me, and yet they seemed to have been put together strangely, as though their final purpose was to cancel each other out. I can think of no other way to express it. Each sentence erased the sentence before it, each paragraph made the next paragraph impossible. It is odd, then, that the feeling that survives from this notebook is one of great lucidity. It is as if Fanshawe knew his final work had to subvert every expectation I had for it. These were not the words of a man who regretted anything. He had answered the question by asking another question, and therefore everything remained open, unfinished, to be started again. I lost my way after the first word, and from then on I could only grope ahead, faltering in the darkness, blinded by the book that had been written for me. And yet, underneath this confusion, I felt there was something too willed, something too perfect, as though in the end the only thing he had really wanted was to fail—even to the point of failing himself. I could be wrong, however. I was hardly in a condition to be reading anything at that moment, and my judgment is possibly askew. I was there, I read those words with my own eyes, and yet I find it hard to trust in what I am saying.

I wandered out to the tracks several minutes in advance. It was raining again, and I could see my breath in the air before me, leaving my mouth in little bursts of fog. One by one, I tore the pages from the notebook, crumpled them in my hand, and dropped them into a trash bin on the platform. I came to the last page just as the train was pulling out.

(1984)