“I need your help, McGlade.”

I stared at the timecaster, Talon Avalon, standing in my doorway. Talon was a cop who could see into the past, thereby being able to solve any crimes. Except now he was on the run, having been framed. Or some convoluted shit like that. Read the book if you want the whole backstory.

“I figured you did,” I said. “Can you pay?”

“Eventually. I’m having a little chip problem at the moment.” Talon held up his arm, showing me the hole. In this current year of 2054, all money was extracted from bank accounts through implanted biochips. But apparently, someone had extracted Talon’s chip by cutting open his arm. One helluva withdrawl.

“An IOU from a lifer ain’t worth much,” I said.

“I won’t be a lifer. They’ll kill me in prison. I’ll make sure you’re a beneficiary on my insurance.”

I brightened at that. “Okay. C’mon in. Have a seat in my office. I’ll get some P&P.”

“Nothing too heavy. I have to keep my wits.”

I snorted. “What wits?”

I was two steps away when Talon screamed after me. “McGlade! You have a pet?”

“Yeah. His name is Penis. Don’t step on him.”

“I stepped on something else.”

“Smells awful, doesn’t it? They don’t tell you that at the genipet store.”

Penis was a genetically modified African elephant. Brown and hairy and about the size of a raccoon. I grabbed the pills and pot and heard Penis trumpet as I walked back to the office.

“Hello, Peanuts,” Talon said, giving the elephant a scratch on the head.

“Not Peantus,” I corrected, scooping up the elephant and holding him at eye-level. “Penis. Check out the size of his junk.”

My elephant did, indeed, have impressive junk.

“It’s like a second trunk,” I marveled. “You want to touch it?”

I shoved the elephant in Talon’s face, its lengthy dong flopping around and threatening to take out one of his eyes.

“No thanks.”

“He’s a bonsai elephant.” I set the pachyderm down. “That’s as big as he gets.”

“He’s… very elephantish.”

“Yeah. I gotta get him a mate. Problem is, they’re so freakin’ expensive. I tried a few non-elephant surrogates. A cat and a poodle. He killed them both.”

“His tusks?”

“Naw. Slipping them the high, hard one.”

“Nice.”

“They both sounded like they died happy. The poodle especially. Vet said it was a heart attack.”

“And the cat?”

“Internal bleeding. Here, take these.” I handed him six pills.

“What are they?”

“Morphine, hash, and valium.”

“There’s enough here to kill me, McGlade.”

“The other three are speed, so you don’t lapse into a coma. Take them and go shower. There’s a robe hanging in the bathroom.”

“Is the robe clean?”

“No. But after the pills, you won’t care.”

While Talon was in the shower, I took a few pills myself. Just to relax a bit, before operating on him. I wasn’t a doctor, but I knew my way around a scalpel. Basically, there was a sharp end, and a dull end. The sharp end was the one you cut with.

I placed my scalpel, and several other sharp tools, on the table.

“I’m in the office!” I yelled when I heard the water shut off.

“What’s all that for, McGlade?” Talon asked when he trudged in. He looked pale.

“This is why you came to me, isn’t it, Talon? They switched off your headphone, and you want it working again. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you think that’ll happen? Hope and a head massage?”

“Have you done this before?”

“Four times. Two of them successful. I’m charging you five thousand credits for this, by the way. That includes patching up your arm and hand.”

“I also have some broken ribs.”

“We’ll call it an even fifty-five hundred. Though tipping isn’t discouraged.”

“I dunno about this, McGlade.”

“Don’t worry. Penis is here to help.”

Penis was standing on the table, holding a scalpel in his trunk. Talon giggled. The drugs were primo. And legal. All drugs were legal. What a wonderful future, wasn’t it?

“Sit before you fall over,” I told him. “Put you head on this semi-clean towel here.”

I patted a rolled-up towel. Penis dropped the scalpel and walked up to it.

“Your pet is getting amorous with the towel,” Talon said.

“Just the inside. You’ll have your head on the outside.”

Talon weaved over to the chair and managed to sit down without falling over. The elephant was really going at it, his tiny elephant hips a blur. After a few more thrusts he trumpeted and walked away.

“I want a new towel,” Talon said.

“You’re such a little girl.” I tossed the towel over my shoulder and placed a pillow on the table. “Head down, princess.”

Talon complied, resting his ear on the towel. Just a few inches away, Penis stared at him. It was a prurient stare. His trunk extended and he sniffed Talon’s nostrils.

“Get him off the table,” Talon said. “I don’t trust him.”

“He’s fine. He won’t hurt you.”

“He looks like he’s sizing me up.”

“Don’t worry. He’s got a long refractory period.”

“Off the table, McGlade.”

“Fine. Sheesh. You’re some kind of animal hater, you know that, Princess Talon?”

“I want my nose to remain a virgin.”

I grabbed Penis (the elephant) and set him on the floor. Then I picked up a bottle of iodine.

“First I’m going to sterilize the area. Then it might get a little, um, uncomfortable.”

Talon sat up, suddenly. “Hold on a second. This entire section… what was the point?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“This excerpt. It seemed like nothing more than one big advertisement for the Joe Kimball novel, Timecaster.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true. This section was essential for solving the Amish mystery.”

“No, it wasn’t. It’s just a lame attempt to sell more Nook ebooks.”

“Nook is the future, you know. But Timecaster will have a paperback release as well as a Nook release, in 2011. It will be followed by a sequel, Timecaster Supersymmetry. Both novels are filled with sex, laughs, sci-fi gadgetry, and me, Harry McGlade the Third.”

“Now you’ve stepped over the line from product placement to blatant self-promotion.”

“You’re a timecaster. You should have seen this coming.”

“Get out.”

“It’s my house. You get out.”

“I mean get out of this excerpt.”

“Konrath might also write a Timecaster children’s book called Timecaster Disaster. It rhymes, like Dr. Seuss. Want to hear a verse?”

“No.”

“He saw into the past, and a bad guy kicked his ast.”

“That’s terrible. And we’re done here.”

If you want to get back to the Amish adventure, click here.

To put Harry in the middle of the ebook Endurance by Jack Kilborn, click here.

To start over at the beginning, click here.

To read some rejected Dr. Seuss titles, click here.