34

“You can’t drop out now,” Jessica said. An annoyed little line drew itself across her forehead. “We only have a couple months left to get this together. We need your help. You committed.”

“Well, now I’m un-committing,” I answered. “I’m out.”

I shut my locker and walked toward the bank of glass doors.

“What is your problem?” Jessica hissed, rushing behind me. For a moment I could almost see the old Jessica shining through—could almost hear her voice echoing What are you looking at, Sister Death? Somehow it made what I had to do easier.

“This school is my problem!” I said through clenched teeth. “Your asshole friends are my problem. I just want to be left alone. I just want to finish and get out of here. Why can’t you understand that? Why are you always pushing me to be someone I’m not?” I didn’t slow down.

“God, when are you going to get past that ‘I’m not one of you’ thing, Valerie? How many times do I have to tell you that you are? I thought we were friends.”

I stopped and whipped around to face her. That was almost a mistake. I felt so guilty—I could see hurt in her face—but knew I had to get away from her. To get away from Student Council. To get away from Meghan. Away from Alex Gold who wanted me gone so bad he had Josh babysit me and Troy threaten me at his party. Away from all the confusion and hurt.

I couldn’t tell Jessica the truth about what had happened with Troy at the party. She’d already strong-armed Meghan into accepting me. She would probably go breaking down Troy’s door and put him under citizen’s arrest. I could imagine her making me her cause, forcing everyone in Garvin to accept me again, whether they wanted to or not. I was sick of being Garvin’s charity project, always under scrutiny, always in the spotlight. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

“Well, you were wrong. We’re not friends. I was only doing this because I felt guilty about the notebook. They don’t want me there, Jessica. And I don’t want to be there anymore. Nick couldn’t stand your little crowd and neither can I.”

Her face reddened. “In case you haven’t noticed, Valerie, Nick is dead. So it doesn’t matter what he thinks anymore. And for the record, I don’t think it ever did except for a few minutes in May. But I thought you were different. I thought you were better. You saved my life, remember?”

I squinted my eyes and peered right into hers, pretending I had confidence to match hers. “Don’t you get it? I didn’t mean to save you,” I said. “I just wanted him to stop shooting. You could have been anyone.”

Her face showed no emotion, although her breath started coming in harder rasps. I could see her chest rise and fall with it.

“I don’t believe you,” she said. “I don’t believe a word.”

“Well, believe it. Because it’s true. You can finish your little StuCo project without me.”

I whirled around and continued walking.

Just as I was about to reach the double doors, Jessica’s voice rang out at my back. “You seriously think this has been easy for me?” she called. I stopped, turned. She was still standing where I’d left her. Her face looked funny, almost writhing with emotion. “Do you?” She dropped her backpack on the floor and started walking toward me, steadily, one hand on her chest. “Well, it’s not. I still have nightmares. I still hear the gunshots. I still… see Nick’s face every time I look at… you.” She had begun crying, her chin wrinkling like a little kid’s, but her voice was steady and strong. “I didn’t like you… before. I can’t change that. I’ve had to fight my friends to include you. I’ve had to fight my parents. But at least I’m trying.”

“Nobody told you to try,” I said. “Nobody said you had to make me your friend.”

She shook her head wildly. “You’re wrong,” she said. “May second told me. I lived, and that made everything different.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, but my voice was wobbly and uncertain.

“And you’re selfish,” she said. “If you walk away from me now, you’re just plain selfish.”

She got within just a few paces of me and all I could think about was getting out of there, whether that made me selfish or not. I plunged through the doors and into the open air. I fell into Mom’s car and sank back into the seat. My chest felt heavy and cold. My chin spasmed and my throat felt full.

“Let’s go home,” I said as Mom drove away.