Fifty

Redeemed by Love

She had waited in restless agitation all the day, one moment willing him to come to her, and the next fearing the very thing she wished. The last few hours she had tried to occupy herself with needlework, but had only managed to stain the cloth with drops of blood from every time she pricked her fingers.

When at last she glanced up from her embroidery, she thought she had conjured him, so startled was she to find his specter bracing the doorway. He was leaner than she’d ever seen him, his bones more prominent in his gaunt face, but his eyes were as dark and piercing as ever. She didn’t know how long he’d stood there, watching her in stony silence.

He pushed himself from the door jamb and moved with slow purpose toward her. “Six months! Six months, Sukey,” he said at last, “and not a single word from you?” His voice was low and hoarse with emotion.

Her hands shook as she brought the thread to her mouth, cutting it with her teeth. “It was over between us. There was no point.” When she looked up into his afflicted stare, it required a herculean effort to regulate her breathing.

“You say it’s over?” Three more strides and he was towering over her. “I don’t believe you! Just as I don’t believe you intend to marry Pitt.”

“Why would you think I entertained such a thing?” she asked. Refusing to meet his gaze, she slowly and deliberately placed the needle in her box and laid down her hoop. When she looked up again, he accosted her with an accusing look.

“You deny you’ve kept his company?”

“I don’t deny anything, but it’s not what you think,” she said quietly, willing herself to modulate her tone.

“I know you’ve been seen in his company. There’s talk all over London. What the devil am I to think? But I won’t have it, by God!” he thundered. “I won’t let him have you!” His eyes were wild and his breathing ragged. He grasped her shoulders in a painful grip and jerked her to her feet.

When she thought he would haul her into an impassioned embrace, he froze. Philip’s breath hitched and his fingers bit cruelly into her flesh. His expression grew blacker by the second as his burning stare traveled the length of her and back, finally coming to rest on her swollen belly.

What her voluminous skirts had concealed from him while she sat was suddenly and manifestly revealed.

The flame in his eyes went dead. He released her so abruptly she had to catch the chair arm to prevent falling.

When he looked to her again, his ardent display might never have happened, so blank was his expression. “I now understand.” His lips formed a bitter grimace. “Perhaps you should wed him, after all.”

Shoving away from the chair, Sukey faced him squarely, quivering with righteous indignation. “You think I’ve played you false, Philip? Well, think again! You… you… great ass!” She beat against his chest, forcing him backward across the room, as she fiercely, intrepidly berated his lack of faith.

“There is no denying you are with child!” he accused.

“Thus you think me some faithless jade?” she asked, smoldering with fury.

“How else do you explain this!” he cried. “It’s been six months since we were together!”

“Indeed six months! So take a good look at me, Philip, and work the sums, for I’m big as a house!” With breasts heaving as much from emotional as physical exertion, she awaited his reaction.

He opened his mouth again and then closed it again. When full comprehension dawned, it left him stunned and gaping.

When his voice finally came, it was little more than a hoarse whisper. “My God, Sukey! You can’t mean to say—”

“Indeed I do mean to say! I’m nearly nine months heavy with your child.”

His face lost all trace of color. “How? How can it be possible after all these years?”

She was rewarded by a display of utter shock as myriad conflicting emotions washed over his face, each in turn matching those inside her—confusion, fear, joy, anguish, befuddlement, and finally longing.

“I can only count it a blessed whim of Providence,” she answered with a half smile. “Now, the question remains, what do you intend to do about it?” She regarded him intently, willing herself to remain calm and passive.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked with a look of desolation. “Didn’t you think I had a right to know of this?”

“What good would it have done?” she asked, and looked away.

“It doesn’t matter. I still had a right to know!”

“Perhaps that’s true, but you were imprisoned and had enough on your shoulders without the added burden of worry. Thus, I chose to wait.”

“When did you plan to tell me?”

“Now.”

“But what if I had not been released?”

“Who do you think secured it?”

“You?” He was once more completely taken aback.

“With the aid of Mr. Pitt.”

“Pitt?” Philip scowled.

“Hence all the talk.”

“Once more—what is between you and Pitt, Sukey?”

“I needed help to free you, and he was there for me. He offered his aid and his friendship.”

“There was nothing more?”

“No. I have no feelings for William Pitt, though he would no doubt have me.”

“While you carry another man’s bastard?” Philip was at first incredulous and then incensed.

“If I were to wed before this child’s birth, there would be no bastardy, and any scandal would be very short-lived.”

“So you did think to wed him? Is that what you want?”

Her gaze slid away from him in an evasive answer. “Do you think I wish to raise your bastard alone?”

“Damn it all! Do you really think I would do that to you? Leave you alone and unprotected?”

“Didn’t you do just that?”

“Good God, Sukey!” He threw his hands in the air. “You think I would have chosen to leave you like this?”

“I don’t know, Philip, but I have more than just myself to think of now. I won’t raise a fatherless child.”

“But what kind of father would I make? I have nothing to offer. I might be free again, but I am no better off than I was before. I have nothing, while he could offer you everything. Security, comfort, and eminent respectability.” He added the last with a mirthless laugh.

“Yes, Philip, he could.” She looked quickly away, but not before he caught the tremor of her lips.

He was upon her again in an instant, pulling her against him and searching her gaze. “Tell me, Sukey,” he rasped. “Tell me what you want!”

“How can you be such a fool!” she cried. “I want what I’ve always wanted. I want you. Even after all this, heaven help me, I still do. But even now, you don’t ask me!”

He pulled at his hair with a groan. “But how can I ask you and a child to live hand to mouth? I have lost my title. I have a fortune in trust that I can neither access nor borrow against. I have no lands, no home, and I am heavily indebted. I am nothing!” he shouted in anguish and then took her face roughly in his hands. “Look at me, Sukey. What do you see?”

She regarded him for a long, searching moment. “What I’ve always seen. The man I love.”

“Do you think to live on air?”

“You still don’t understand? None of the rest matters! Not the title, the trust, or the trappings! I’m going to have your child!” Her eyes glistened and she finished in a whisper. “That’s all I ever really wanted. I still have a home and my widow’s jointure. It’s sufficient.”

“And what kind of man would that make me?” he asked with a pained look. “One who lives off a woman’s bounty?”

“Curse your damnable pride, Philip Drake! You will manage as you always have. You are strong, intelligent, capable, and infinitely resourceful. I could never doubt you. Why must you still doubt yourself?” she asked tenderly.

“Sukey, my dearest Sukey,” he murmured her name helplessly. “I’m so unworthy of you. I’ve made such a mess of my life and have so very many regrets. I sought what I thought would yield happiness, but instead found emptiness. Only you have been my consolation, my only salvation. You were my only hope all the while in the King’s Bench, and when I thought I’d lost you, I thought I’d lost my very life.”

With this raw confession, he wrapped his arms around her trembling body, burying his face in her hair. Tears streamed down her face as he continued in a whisper.

“I told you years ago that you could be free of me whenever you choose, but I lied. I can never let you go. I know I don’t deserve you, Sukey, but God only knows how much I need you. How much I love you.”

He held her close for a long moment and then his fingers brushed her face and gently outlined her lips before meeting her in a tender kiss. He kissed along her jaw and her neck, his hands tracing her sides until moving up to cup and caress her swollen breasts with the most reverent touch.

His expression was awe-filled when he lowered his hands to her protruding belly. Slowly, gently, filled with fascination, he moved over her rounded form, exploring the contours of it, then dropping to his knees and locking her in a protective embrace. With a look of wonderment, he laid his cheek against her side. He closed his eyes, listening intently, his expression rapt with growing appreciation of the life inside her.

They held one another thus for long minutes before he looked up at her with glistening eyes and a convulsive swallow. When he spoke again his voice was hoarse with emotion, as if his words emanated from the very depths of his soul.

“You know I don’t profess to be the best of men… but if you will take me… flawed as I am… I pledge my very life to cherish and protect you and this child, Sukey. Our child. You know I can’t offer much more than that, but my heart and soul are yours. As they have always been. Only yours.”

These words, so long in coming, played at her heartstrings and stirred her passion to life, breaking over her like a wave, cracking and disintegrating her reserve.

“Yes, Philip. Yes. I will have you,” she cried and collapsed into his arms.

He held her to him, clutching her close, and when Philip kissed her again, it stole her breath away.

She was still amazed at the effect he had on her after twelve tumultuous years.