CHAPTER EIGHT

In the University I can’t help but constantly wonder, does anyone know where I was last night? Is it written all over my face? I feel as though everyone around me is watching the events replay themselves over and over in my mind. The chore of withholding my thoughts is a heavy burden, laid in my arms, at the back of my throat, strapped to my knees. I don’t know how I can even walk around.

I haven’t confronted Lenora yet. She had already left the room when I awoke for classes. She knows me so well, she would definitely notice any change in me.

A bell rings, and I head for the cafeteria. My hunger is powerful now, and I rush through the double doors. I missed my afternoon meal yesterday while at the medical center. Now my appetite takes control, and I grab a tray to start piling it as high as possible. I falter, realizing I must avoid attracting attention, and instead slowly take my normal portions.

The meals are laid out in silver trays that sit in rectangular cutouts in the counter’s surface. Bright lights shine above the food, keeping the grainy substances warm while the students file past, scooping out servings with metal ladles. The gritty food is filled with the best nutrients to keep students healthy and active, or at least that’s what they tell us.

The line exits from the serving counter back into a domed arena, all white, holding scattered round tables surrounded by cold metal seats and a listless student in each. It is hard to tell they are even hungry.

I follow the line out the door into the coolness of the large cafeteria. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust; it is brighter out here than in the kitchen.

There is a monotone hum of conversing students around the tables. My group nods in recognition as I place my tray on the table and sit beside Lenora. There is a glint of something in her eye as she acknowledges me, but it is gone almost before I see it, and I soon forget it even transpired.

Aurek looks me square in the eye from across the table. “So how are you feeling? Did they treat you well?”

I nod solemnly. The mention of it brings back memories of Dorian as well as an underlying knot in my throat.

“What did they say was the matter?” he presses halfheartedly.

A reasonable question, yet I am stupidly not expecting it.

For a minute I am frozen, jaw clenched. There is general attention on me for what seems like forever.

Then I breathe. I shrug and say, “Dehydration …” It’s a reasonable explanation for passing out, and the topic turns to something about a group of part-bloods disappearing.

“Where did you go last night?”

The words cause me to nearly choke on my food, and I cough awkwardly. After pressing a napkin to my lips, I look up at Lenora. She is watching me, waiting.

“What are …?” My voice is hoarse, and I cough again. “What are you talking about? I didn’t go anywhere.” I put on what I hope is a believable smile to ease tensions.

“I saw you leave the room,” she says evenly.

“Oh yes, well, I did go to the bathroom that one time …,” I answer, hoping the explanation will suffice. The bathroom is right next door, however, so that excuse is risky, given the amount of time I was gone.

“And that took you the rest of the night?” She looks down at her plate, and I glance around the table to see if anyone is listening. They seem too involved in their discussion to have overheard, and I relax a little.

Still, whatever words I might respond with are caught in my throat. There is a silence, and I still can’t think up anything worth saying. Lenora’s gaze flits back to me, and I gape at her with the helplessness of a prey caught beneath the claws of a toying predator. Lenora’s wide eyes are lit with triumph that makes my insides boil.

“You’re always accusing me of losing faith,” I say spitefully. “As if you’re the perfect one, and Odon loves you more. Ever think that maybe you’re just jealous of me? I’ve never been brought to the Odonian.”

She blinks in surprise. Did I strike that deep? I get up and leave, hoping my words have done their worst. Wasn’t she deserving of every second? And then I realize I should have said more; I should have gone for the core. Lenora never has any compassion for anyone, especially me. She doesn’t know the meaning of the word. She loathes me, and I unwillingly put up with her.

My anger dies down, and I realize something that I forgot in the heat of my hatred. Lenora knows, and whatever she knows, it is enough to cause considerable damage to my life. There’s no question that she would jump at the chance to set my downfall in motion. I stop in midstep and hold my breath. The panic is building within. I have to leave, and the sooner the better. Admitting this lets me continue walking, and I assure myself that it will happen soon. I will leave, and then Lenora, the professors, the Odonian, will all be behind me.

I wander through halls, getting lost in my mind and losing connection with the contact of feet and floor, eyes and vision, or lungs and breath. Living takes on a new and unimportant meaning. Maybe when I was with Dorian it all had purpose, but this place has stolen it away. I am a faceless mask of order and routine.

A bell rings overhead, signaling the end of mealtime, and I start toward class.

I scribble away in my notebook, more useless information. But I listen to all that is said, and I answer all that is asked. There is no need to think in class; it is done for you. No need to feel, because there is no use for emotions. Yet here I am, thinking and feeling. I want to stop the frustration, the temper welling up within. I grip my moving pen until my knuckles shine white.

An announcement reverberates from somewhere within the room. I almost jump from my seat but luckily catch myself.

“Students who are invited or involved in the Rebirth will attend it a month from now, at which time they will follow their Odonians accordingly. That is all; good day.” The voice cuts off, and we are left to wait in silence for the bell to send us to our next class.

It seems odd to me that after so many years I still have no concept of the Rebirth. What could it be? Is it simply a graduation into a new life? What lies ahead in such a life? My peers around me seem uncaring about the subject, and I dismiss it with a sense of useless questioning. I’ll be far away long before it happens anyway.

The bell rings, and we all mechanically head for the door. It’s strange, but I look for the first time at the others’ faces. They look so similar: pale skin, blue eyes, blond …

“Oriana.” It is my professor. She smiles as I approach her warily. Her hazel eyes are empty of any greeting.

“Yes, Miss?”

“Oriana, your grades are beginning to concern me. On this past test you’ve scored below your usual quota. Has something affected your studies?”

The thought of Dorian flashes before my eyes. A drop of sweat rolls down my back.

I swallow, my mouth completely dry and answer blankly. “No, Miss, I suppose I was a bit confused … I will straighten it up. Don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry, Oriana, but I have already signed you up with the Odonian. He wishes to meet with you today after school.”

The words ring in my ears, and I swallow again. The thought sends a wave of pain through my body. I know how people return from a meeting with an Odonian: they are changed, forever.

I nod and turn to leave.

“If you do not attend,” my professor remarks, “I will find out and I will report you.”

“I’ll attend.”

“Of course you will, Oriana.”

I clench my teeth, tighten my fists, and walk out. The realization of danger digs its heels deeper into my stomach. I am in trouble now, and there’s no way out. I’ll have to be strong. Show no signs of my changes, my anger, and any others.

I find motivation. Somewhere inside of my panicking form is the strength that keeps me sane. The courage to remain in my seat and be the student I was not long ago.