2
My life was an anguish, my family ripped
from me.
My rage had sustained me. I’d given up hope.
Tears fell in rain forest, heart bled in the blood-ground.
My father betrayed me. I barely could cope.
My rage had sustained me. I’d given up hope.
Tears fell in rain forest, heart bled in the blood-ground.
My father betrayed me. I barely could cope.
SOLANGE TO DOMINIC
The rain fell steadily, making the
miserable heat worse, a relentless downpour, no light drizzle, but
sheets of blinding, endless rain. Birds hid among the thick,
twisted branches, high up in the canopy in hopes of relief. Tree
frogs dotted the trunks and branches while lizards used leaves for
umbrellas. The air remained still and stifling on the forest floor
but up above in the canopy, the rain seemed bent on drenching the
many creatures living there.
Through the gray rain and the humid heat, the
jaguar padded silently over the rotting vegetation and the fallen
trees and through the varieties of lacy giant ferns sprouting from
every conceivable crack or crevice. The small stream she followed
led from the wide, fast-moving river on the outer edges of the rain
forest into the deep interior. She had trod this path twice a year
for the last twenty years, making her way back to where it had all
begun, a pilgrimage when she was weary and needed to remember why
she did what she did. No matter how the forest changed, no matter
how much new growth had emerged, she knew the way unerringly.
Flowers burst into bright color, winding up the
great trunks, curling around limbs, petals drenched and dripping,
alive with vivid beauty through the various shades of green that
made up the rain forest. Buttress roots of the emergents—giant
trees that pierced the canopy—dominated the forest floor. The
twisted, elaborate shapes provided sustenance as well as support to
the largest trees in the rain forest. The root systems were massive
and came in all shapes, fins and cages and dark, twisted labyrinths
providing shelter for creatures desperate enough to brave the
insects carpeting the layers of leaves and decay, sharing the space
with the small dawn bats that made homes in the huge network of
roots of the impressive Kapok tree.
High above the jaguar, following her progress, flew
a great harpy eagle, much larger than normal, the dark wings spread
wide, a good seven feet. He moved in silence, keeping pace in the
sky, winding through the labyrinth of branches with ease. With two
predators on the prowl, the animals hunkered down, shivering
miserably. The eagle peered down, ignoring the tempting sight of a
sloth and band of monkeys to examine the jaguar’s progress through
the tangle of vegetation on the forest floor far below.
Roots snaked across the floor, seeking nutrients
and causing the ground to be a mass of sometimes impenetrable
obstacles. Coiled around the massive trunks were thousands of
climbing plants of various nature, using the trees as ladders to
the sun. Woody lianas, stems and even roots of climbing plants hung
like massive ropes or twisted together, tree to tree, providing an
aerial highway for animals. Lianas, looped and twisted into
tangles, were full of crevices and grooves, ideal hiding places for
the animals taking shelter up and down the trunks and in the
branches.
The jaguar hesitated, aware of the large raptor
traveling with her. Night was falling fast and yet the great bird
continued to trail her progress, sometimes gliding in lazy circles
overhead and other times diving through the trees, stirring up the
wildlife until the din was frenzied and so loud the jaguar
considered roaring a warning. She decided to ignore the bird and
follow her instincts, moving on toward her goal.
Hills and slopes were riddled with freshwater
streams and creeks flowing over rocks and vegetation as they rushed
toward the larger rivers. White-water rivers, heavy with sediment,
appeared the color of creamy coffee. Rich with life, the waters
were home to the rare river dolphins. The black-water rivers looked
clear and perhaps more inviting, as they were sediment free, but
were almost lifeless, unnaturally clear, tinted reddish-brown and
poisoned by the tannins seeping into the ground from the rotting
vegetation. The jaguar knew to hunt in the rich waters of the
white-water rivers, easily flipping the fish onto the banks when
she was hungry.
Ticks and leeches swarmed up, meeting the heat and
rain with a frenzy and in need of blood, searching for any
warm-blooded prey. The jaguar ignored the tiresome bloodsuckers,
which were attracted by her warmth and the open wound on her left
flank. Thunder boomed, shaking the trees, an ominous portent of
trouble. A sloth moved with infinite slowness, its algae-covered
fur green, helping it to blend into the leaves of the tree it was
currently dining in. But the jaguar was very aware of it above her
head, as she was aware of all things in the forest—aware the harpy
eagle continued to dog her every move, high in the sky, in spite of
night stirring. Instead of bothering her, the unusual presence
soothed her, quieted the growing dread and the utter weariness as
the jaguar plodded steadily through the maze of vegetation.
The tangle of lianas grew thicker as the jaguar
padded silently through the growth, over fallen logs and through
umbrella-like leaves dripping with water. She moved with complete
assurance, a sea of spots flowing through heavy brush in spite of
her obvious limp. The sound of water was deafening as she
approached the slopes where water burst through the bank and
tumbled to the river below.
As the great cat moved through the forest and the
raptor floated in the sky, monkeys and birds called a warning to
the peccaries, deer, tapir and paca that either predator might
consider a meal. The howlers shrieked fearfully, calling to one
another. A jaguar’s bite could crack their skulls like a nut. Able
to climb trees or swim with equal ability, she could hunt on land,
in trees or in the water. The harpy eagle could easily rip prey
from a branch, dropping silently from a lookout perch to snatch an
unwary victim.
Ropes of muscle rippled beneath the jaguar’s sleek,
spotted fur. Her rosettes held more spots than those of a leopard,
and her pelt was the color of both night and day shadows, allowing
her to move like a silent phantom through the forest. Golden sable
marked with rosettes, some considered her fur a map of the night
sky and hunted her for the treasure.
She moved with nobility in spite of her obvious
injury, prowling her domain, commanding respect from all the other
occupants of the forest. Built for stealth and ambush, she had
retractable claws and vision six times better than a human’s. The
animals shivered as she passed, called warnings and watched with
wary eyes, but she kept climbing, skirting the thin strip of land
that barely covered the top of the waterfall, knowing from past
trips that the plant-covered slim bridge was a treacherous hazard
waiting for the unwary to place a wrong step. She went the more
circuitous route, pushing her way through the dark ropy tangle of
vines and roots, into the darker interior.
Slate black feathers covered the wings and back of
the harpy eagle. The white mantle was striped with the same black,
and a black band collared the powerful raptor so that the gray head
stood out with the double plume cresting it. The black and white
striped leggings led to enormous talons nearly the size of a
grizzly bear’s claws. With his wings spread wide, it seemed
impossible for the powerful predator to maneuver the tight
passageways of the canopy, with the knotted and twisted branches
and the hanging lianas, but the eagle did so with majestic ease,
keeping pace with the predator on the ground.
The jaguar continued through the forest, and her
limp became more pronounced as she tried easing the weight from the
wounds on her left flank. Caked blood began to run with the
infusion of water on her pelt, down her leg, to drip onto the
forest floor. The jaguar kept the same steady pace, head down, her
sides heaving as she moved with growing pain through the twisted
web of roots and vines, determined to reach her goal. The sky above
the canopy turned dark and the rain eventually lessened.
Bats took to the air and the forest floor came
alive with millions of insects. She kept moving, weaving her way
through the trees. Twice she had to take to the aerial highway,
using the branches to pass over fast-moving water. She could swim,
but she was exhausted and the rain had swollen the banks of even
the smallest streams, so the entire forest floor seemed bursting
with water. All the while, the eagle kept her company, giving her
the strength to continue her journey.
She walked most of the night until she came to the
first marker she recognized, a broken remnant of an ancient temple,
an impressive structure in spite of the ruins joining sky, earth
and the underworld together. The jaguar statue guarding the
remains, made of limestone, snarled at her, eyes wide open and
staring, judging her worth. Right now, exhausted and far too weary,
she didn’t feel very worthy.
She put her head down and slunk past the statue,
for the first time dropping her chin, avoiding the staring eyes as
she padded silently over the ancient stones and pushed deeper into
the overgrown brush. A few more miles and the night seemed darker,
the trees closer together. Vegetation coiled along every trunk and
took up every available space, crowding so close it took effort to
push through to the broken limestone blocks that were strewn about
and half buried in the thick vegetation covering what once had been
a clearing.
Trees had long since overtaken the spot where the
land had been cleared to make way for a small village and farm. The
corn was long gone, but the jaguar remembered it, the rows of
bright green stalks lifting their heads to the sun and the rain in
the midst of the surrounding forest. Squash and beans lined the
rows, as her people had returned to the old ways, using the same
mixture of maize, limestone powder and water for their flour as
their ancestors once had done here, in this very same place.
She could feel the blood, running like the great
underwater river beneath her feet, flowing, soaked permanently into
the ground. Her ancestors had died here—and then, twenty years ago,
her family and friends. She would forever hear the sounds of their
screams, would know the terror and fear of true evil.
Overhead, the cry of the harpy eagle sent the
sleeping monkeys into a wave of howling, the sound swelling through
the forest, yet the noise reassured her. The eagle, lord of the
sky, landed in the canopy, folded its wings and peered down at the
jaguar. She acknowledged its presence with a lift of her head,
peering upward into the thick canopy. It was unusual for the great
predator to hunt at night, and should have been unsettling.
Anything out of the ordinary in this forest where legends and
nightmares came to life and walked the night made her uneasy, yet
she felt a strange companionship with the bird.
The jaguar and eagle stared at one another a long
time, neither blinking, neither giving ground. The jaguar studied
the sky predator, vaguely wondering what it meant when a daytime
hunter was moving about at night in the tapering rain. She was too
weary to have much interest in the answer, and was the first to
break eye contact. Here, in the ruins of two villages slaughtered,
where wailing ghosts howled for revenge, was not the place to find
the rest she so badly needed. She continued her journey, picking
her way through the broken stones and half-buried foundations to
the tall Kapok tree where the eagle perched.
Majestically the bird rose into the air, circled
the Mayan ruins and dropped lower to peer at what was left of the
foundations of more recent destruction. The sharp eyes examined the
ground as it flew overhead, then it dipped even lower, nearly
skimming the jaguar before rising abruptly, the giant wingspan
taking the large raptor back into the cover of the canopy.
The jaguar felt the beat of those powerful wings as
it passed so close to her. She raised her head and watched until
the eagle was out of sight, her only reaction before she took to
the tree, using her claws to aid her ascent. She stood for a moment
looking at the empty sky, feeling absolutely and utterly alone, her
sorrow a heavy burden. She couldn’t afford to feel sorrow. She
needed this trip to dredge up anger; no, not anger—that wasn’t
enough to sustain her when she was alone and exhausted and wounded.
She needed a well of rage, a weapon honed by years of fighting
evil, fighting for women who couldn’t fight for themselves.
She found a comfortable crook in a wide limb and
settled her aching body, sheltered from the endless rain, and
tucked her head on her paws, looking down at the wreckage of her
village. The ruins receded and she stared at the destruction of
what had once been her home. The overgrown brush disappeared in her
mind, and the sacred spot was no longer a blood-soaked graveyard
but a place of the living with four small houses and a cornfield
and vegetable garden.
At once she could hear the sound of laughter, of
children playing on the cleared ground, kicking a ball around. Her
younger brothers, Avery and Adam, both looked so much like her
beloved stepfather. He’d been so tall and handsome, his face always
smiling, lifting her high in the air and spinning her like a top,
making her feel like a princess there in the midst of the rain
forest. There was her best friend, Marcy, as well as Marcy’s
brother, Phin, a tall, serious boy who loved to read. Marcy could
always get him to play their games with her winning smile and big
green eyes. Their parents . . .
The jaguar blinked, trying to remember the names of
Marcy and Phin’s parents. How could she forget? She would never
forget these people. She was the only person left to mark their
existence. Agitated, she rose, her sides heaving, panting, tongue
lolling as she struggled with her sluggish brain to recall the two
people who had been so good to everyone in the small homestead.
Annika and Joseph.
Breathing heavily, she settled once more on the
branch. The third house belonged to Aunt Audrey, her mother’s
younger sister, with her daughters Juliette and little Jasmine, her
newest cousin. She was very close to Juliette, as they were less
than a year apart in age and went between the two houses all the
time. The fourth structure held the majority of the children—four
boys and two girls, all orphans the couple, Benet and Rachel, had
taken in and parented.
They lived and worked and played deep in the
forest, far from other civilizations, and they were taught to
secrete themselves in nearby caverns and underground tunnels.
Unfortunately the caves were often under water, and they had to be
careful never to be trapped inside when the tunnels flooded. But
still, every few days their parents would conduct drills, running
fast, not looking back, going through water to leave no
tracks.
Phin was the oldest of them, and she often followed
him, peppering him with questions about the outside world and why,
at times, they had to hide so quietly. He looked sad, and he’d drop
his hand on the top of her head and tell her how special she was.
And that they all had to watch over her.
The jaguar sighed. The rain fell down and she
lifted her face, allowing the drops to wash the tears from her
muzzle. It did no good to weep for the past. She couldn’t change
what had happened; she could only try to prevent others from
feeling her pain and loss.
As she looked down on the ruins, the laughter of
the children turned to screams as men poured from the jungle, and
with them, great cats, claws rending and tearing, ripping out the
throats of the boys. Adam and Avery were caught in the middle of
the cornfield. The three of them were playing hide-and-seek and
suddenly the great jaguar-men were surrounding them. They bashed in
the heads of her brothers without mercy, spilling brains and blood
on the ground and trampling the cornfield. She tried to run, but
she was snatched up by one of the great brutes and taken into the
clearing where Phin and her father fought, back-to-back, trying to
prevent the men from dragging her mother from the house.
A sob welled up, a strangled wail the throat of the
jaguar couldn’t quite handle. She panted, her face to the sky,
tears burning, mingling with the drops of the rain. Adam and Avery
were gone from her, brutally thrown aside, their bodies tossed like
garbage. She remembered the dizzying ride as she was tucked under
an arm and rushed through the field, the corn hitting her face,
blood spatter everywhere. She saw a man with a machete kill Benet
and then the four boys behind his fallen body, even the youngest:
little Jake, who was only two. Rachel fought them back using a gun,
firing at the men to keep them away from the three little girls.
One of the men used a shotgun, and Rachel lay broken and bleeding
in the doorway of her house. The men trampled her body while they
pulled the screaming girls from inside.
There was so much blood. So much. It ran red and
then black and shiny when the moon came out. Someone started a
fire, burning their homes and gardens to the ground around them.
Phin turned his head and looked directly at her as one of the
jaguar-men thrust a knife into his kidney. They stared at one
another, his mouth open in a silent scream, matching her mouth. Her
captor threw her on the ground beside Phin’s crumpling body and she
watched in horror as the life drained out of his eyes.
Her stepfather fought valiantly, trying to protect
her mother. She lost track of the stab wounds in his chest and
back. A great big man cut his throat, ending the fight, and her
mother was dragged from the house by the same man, the blood of her
husband covering his hands. He hit her mother repeatedly in the
face and shoved her at the men before going to each body to make
sure no man or male child remained alive. And then he turned toward
the girls.
Inside the jaguar, her heart pounded, and she
tasted fear and the beginnings of rage. Rage. She reached for it.
Needed it. Tried desperately to let it pool inside her as the
horrible man caught her thick mane of hair and dragged her across
the blood and into the house where they brought each of the young
girls.
They must have scouted the small village because
the men went looking for Audrey, Juliette and Jasmine. Thankfully,
the three were gone, off getting supplies, hiking to the river to
meet the supply boat when the attackers had struck. Their attackers
were jaguar-men—shapeshifters looking for women who could still
shift into animal form. So many had done as her mother had done,
found a human man who would stay and love them—raise a family with
them. But that had weakened the shapeshifter species, and now fewer
and fewer females could provide a shifter. Some of the men, led by
a rare black jaguar, had begun forcing the women into servitude,
essentially using them as breeders. Any children not capable of
shifting were purged.
Solange Sangria stared down at the ground soaked
with the blood of her ancestors—and the blood of her family. She
could only return here in the form of the jaguar, unable to face
the loss in human form. She could weep, with the rain soaking her
face and her heart shredded, remembering looking into the eyes of
that great black beast, great yellow-green eyes weighing her worth.
Her father—Brodrick the Terrible. The man who had forcefully
mated her mother because of her pure blood and then, when she
escaped, had relentlessly hunted her. He had finally found her and
slaughtered her husband and sons and the rest of those residing in
their small village, children of parents he deemed unfit to walk
the earth.
She would forever remember that unblinking stare.
Cold. Ruthless. A man who should have loved her as his daughter,
but who only saw her worth if she could successfully breed a
shapeshifter.
The girls had been tied down and then the torture
began. One by one. The girls were forced to watch as each was
slashed with small cuts and then larger ones, over and over, in an
effort to provoke a jaguar into emerging to protect the child. One
by one, when no cat emerged, in front of the others, the leader—her
father—declared them worthless. The girl was murdered and her body
thrown out of the house into the clearing with the others.
Then it was her turn—the last girl. The man who had
sired her worked on her meticulously, using a large blade, his icy
fury growing as he tried to provoke her cat into revealing itself.
The pain was excruciating. He slashed her legs until she bled,
until her mother pleaded and struggled and finally shifted into the
form of a female jaguar only to be knocked out and restrained by
the men. They’d taken her mother away, leaving Solange facing her
steely eyed, merciless father. He was called Brodrick the Terrible
for a reason.
He had spent hours torturing her, certain she could
shift, as both her mother and he were from the most powerful line
of jaguar-men. A lineage revered by the others. She had steadfastly
hidden her cat from him, obeying her mother, knowing her father was
evil. To survive the pain she had filled her young mind with
childish thoughts of revenge. She lay for hours—days. The nights
and days ran together, and the man who had fathered her had been
patient, uncaring of her discomfort, making tiny cuts into her
skin, poking, as if with his knife he could peel back her human
skin and find her jaguar form.
She had said nothing. In the end, she hadn’t cried.
Not even when he grabbed her matted, bloody hair and threw her from
the bed to the floor, shaking his head in disgust. “A child I sired
and she’s no good to anyone,” he pronounced. “Truly
worthless.”
She saw the great claw coming at her throat to tear
her open, and she hadn’t flinched, hadn’t tried to move out of the
way, staring straight into his eyes defiantly. She would never
forget the horrific pain tearing through her, the blood gushing as
he tossed her body carelessly aside to lie among the dead on the
blood-soaked ground.
Solange had no idea how long she lay unconscious,
but when she woke, it was daylight. She was thirsty and every bone
in her body felt as if it had been broken. The jaguar-men were gone
and all around her were the bodies of her friends and family. She
stumbled to her feet and wandered through what looked like a
slaughterhouse. The ground was red and damp, and already insects
swarmed over the bodies.
She had no idea why she was still alive when her
throat gaped open and blood clotted, sticky and wet. She went to
each body, trying to awaken them, an eight-year-old girl alone in
the forest with everyone she knew and loved dead—slaughtered.
Thirst drove her to the sinkhole where the underground river
beneath the limestone ran. She drank and once again lay down to
allow the darkness to take her. She woke to the sounds of
screaming. Her heart slammed hard in her chest and terror held her
frozen. Had they returned? That horrible man with his cold, dead
eyes judging her worthless?
Aunt Audrey burst through the jungle, Juliette at
her side, following the blood trail to the sinkhole. Tears ran down
Audrey’s face and Jasmine cried in her arms. She fell to her knees
beside Solange, pulling her niece into her embrace, and the four of
them wept endlessly for everyone they loved.
The jaguar stretched, easing her weight from the
injured leg, blinking while her eyes ached and her heart twisted
with terrible pain. So many more deaths she couldn’t prevent, and
she was so tired. So very tired. How did one keep hate alive? And
how could she continue to fuel the rage so that she could continue
with her mission? Most of all, how did one remain completely,
utterly alone?
Her cousin Jasmine was pregnant, and Juliette was
mated to a Carpathian male. She might say those men were the
scourge of the earth, but in truth, she was happy for Juliette. And
Jasmine was now in their care. She loved Juliette and Jasmine as
sisters and didn’t want this life for them, yet someone had to
rescue women from the monsters preying on them in the forest.
She rested her muzzle on her paws and allowed her
eyes to close, summoning her only companion. A myth. A dream.
Juliette and Jasmine would laugh if they knew how man-hating
Solange really survived the terrors of her life. She reached for
her dream lover, the one man who got her through every horrific
event. And God knew, tonight she needed him desperately. She
reached in her mind, knowing the dream so intimately now. His voice
first—so gentle and compelling. How many nights had he sung her to
sleep? She loved his song, that haunting melody she would never
forget as long as she lived.
The Amazon was a place where legends and myths came
to life, where reality and dream met. Where sky, earth and the
underworld were joined by the great temples of her ancestors.
Throughout history, the shamans had revered the spirit of the
jaguar, knowing the shifters hunted as both man and animal, day or
night, taking command of the unknown. Long ago, when she was deep
in a limestone cave, her wounds severe, hopes fading, she had
conjured up a companion—a legend come to life in her mind. Maybe
she’d been delirious, and maybe, like now when she needed him, she
still was.
He had to be a warrior, of course. She needed to be
able to respect him. She’d dreamt of him, sometimes at night,
sometimes during the day, slowly allowing him to take shape in her
mind. He was tall, with flowing black hair, broad shoulders, strong
arms and a man’s face. He’d fought many battles and, like her, was
weary of being alone, but knew he would only have her in his
dreams. He would come to her after his battles and he would lay
down his arms and find solace in her.
She could never quite decide on the color of his
eyes. She loved making them intensely blue, but then at times they
would be like the green of the emerald. She was always fascinated
by her dream lover’s eyes. Never the same, always unpredictable,
they mirrored the mystery of the man. He had a poet’s soul. He was
very gentle, his voice mesmerizing, melodic and quite beautiful. He
often sang her to sleep when pain clouded her mind and she lay
alone in the dark with her heart pounding and the taste of fear in
her mouth.
She dared not dream of him when she was in human
form, or around anyone else. He was hers alone, and she needed to
protect him, so she only allowed him to invade her dreams when she
was in the shape of a jaguar. Deep inside the animal’s body, she
couldn’t murmur aloud where another might hear of him. He was her
secret weakness—or strength—however she was in the mood to view her
dream life.
She made certain he had all the attributes of a
noble man, someone like her stepfather, who took on a wife and
child and loved them with everything in him. She’d never been
treated differently by him, not even when his sons were born. He’d
loved her and treated her like a princess, even spoiled her. She’d
loved him so much, and if she ever had a man of her own, which she
knew was impossible, he would have to have that generous, loyal,
giving spirit.
Some small part of her smiled. She’d given those
attributes to her dream man. And she needed him now, when the past
was too close and everything had gone so wrong. When she’d failed
and a woman had died.
I need you. Come to me tonight. I’m so tired. I
couldn’t save the woman before they got to her and she killed
herself, threw herself into the river. I tracked them for four
weeks and fought to get her back, but I was too late. Sometimes it
feels like I’m always too late.
She visualized him, building him inch by inch in
her mind. The strong thighs, narrow waist and burning eyes, very
green tonight. Lately, when she’d called him to her, he bore new
scars, a strange thing in a dream where she was the conjurer and
yet she couldn’t remember attributing new scars to him. A few burn
marks on the left side of his face and neck, spreading down his
shoulder, worsening along his arm. Maybe, because she’d sustained
wounds, her dream lover did as well.
She chose a limestone cave deep beneath the ground
to meet him—a safe place where the jaguar-men wouldn’t be able to
find them even if they were searching. She pulled the cozy cavern,
a place she often chose in which to recuperate, from her memory,
and added a warm fire and a few soft chairs. In her dream, she
could afford to be feminine, although she wasn’t beautiful like
Juliette or Jasmine; her body bore too many scars and she’d long
ago forgotten how to smile—unless she was with him. Even though she
wanted to see herself as beautiful in her dream world, it was
impossible. She couldn’t imagine smooth, flawless skin or a willowy
body.
The nice part about her dream man was he didn’t
mind that she wasn’t perfect or not feminine enough. He didn’t mind
that she sometimes wept, or showed to him what she couldn’t show to
the rest of the world. And he would never betray her, never
disappoint her; she could whisper her deepest fears and worst
secrets and he would still accept her. He knew things about her no
one else did.
She pictured the cavern, the Mayan artwork
decorating the walls, stories of lives long gone, a world in the
distant past where the moon and stars were close and jaguars walked
the night upright—men to respect and revere, not shun and despise.
A much happier time. She couldn’t imagine herself in a dress, a
soft feminine outfit like Juliette often wore, but she made certain
she appeared as nice as she could. Her favorite top, soft and
clingy, which sometimes made her feel a bit of a fool. She never
wore it in public, not even around her cousins, but when she wanted
to feel feminine and maybe a little pretty, she put it on—just for
a moment.
Of course she wore jeans, never a full skirt,
because he’d see the scars up and down her legs. She knew he
wouldn’t care, but she wanted to appear her best for him. She’d
considered trying earrings, and once, MaryAnn, a woman she knew and
admired, had painted her nails, which for some strange reason made
her feel more feminine, yet she was too embarrassed to try to
conjure that detail up in her dreams as well.
She sat by the fire, barefoot, looking as nice as
she could, her heart pounding, waiting for him. It was silly
really, that she had so much invested in a man who wasn’t real, but
she had no one else. She ran a hand through her thick mane of hair.
It was more the color of the dark rosettes in the jaguar’s fur than
the golden tawny color of her pelt. Almost a sable, it was nearly
unmanageable the way it grew.
There wasn’t much time left. It was impossible to
keep fighting and not end up dead. A few more inches and her latest
wound would have killed her. And life in the jaguar camp was far
worse than dying. If they succeeded in their attempts to capture
her—and they knew her now and were actively seeking her—she would
find a way to take her own life.
Do not say that. Do not even think it. I would
come to you. Sustain you. And I would find a way to free
you.
The jaguar closed her eyes tighter, as if that
could keep him with her. She saw him coming toward her, emerging
out of the shadows thrown by the edges of the fire. She loved the
way he moved, that sure confidence, those long strides. He was
always like that, so confident in himself that he never raised his
voice or appeared to be upset, even when he was reprimanding her
for cowardice.
Not cowardice, he objected, flowing across
the room with his usual grace until he loomed in front of her,
towering over her, making her feel small and feminine instead of an
Amazon woman. She wasn’t tall by any means; she was compact,
certainly not fashionably slender. It was a strange thing to have
such complete and utter confidence in herself as a warrior, and yet
none at all as a woman.
You are tired, csitri, that is all. Come
lie down in my arms and let me hold you while you rest. But first,
I must see to your injury.
He had often called her csitri, his tongue
caressing the word. She had no idea what it meant, but that single
word made a swarm of butterflies take flight in her stomach. She
stared up at him, afraid to move or blink, terrified he would
disappear, that her perfect dream would shatter. She didn’t want
him to see her injury. In her dream she wasn’t supposed to have an
injury. She’d always been able to control her dream, but lately,
reality had crept in a little too much.
He gripped her chin in his hand and turned her face
toward the light of the flickering fire, a small frown settling
over his rugged features. Your face is bruised.
Those bruises shouldn’t have been there. What was
wrong that she couldn’t keep her wounds out of her dreams anymore?
Was she that tired? Reading her thoughts, as he always did, her
warrior swept her hair from her face with gentle fingers.
You never say my name. Even as he pushed the
words into her mind, his fingers moved to the bruises.
At once Solange felt the ache in her bruised face
recede. She hesitated. How to explain without hurting his feelings.
This is a dream. I made you up. I don’t have a name for you that
feels right.
He smiled at her, his eyes now very, very blue.
Have you ever considered that maybe I made you up? That you are
my dream?
She would love to be someone’s dream, but doubted
seriously if that would ever be so. In real life she was abrasive,
her only protection when she felt too much. Sometimes it seemed as
if she went around with her heart shredded all the time. Somehow
I think someone like you could have come up with a better
dream.
Someone like me? I am a warrior who has spent a
thousand years looking for my lifemate. I know exactly who she is
and what qualities she has.
Solange sighed. This conversation skated too close
to having to admit her shortcomings. She didn’t want to remind him
of all the times she whined about being alone and afraid and tired.
I made you Carpathian. I didn’t mean to, you know. I respect
Juliette and MaryAnn’s husbands.
Lifemate, he corrected gently. When we
are bound, soul to soul, we are called lifemates. That binding goes
from one life to the next.
She smiled at him and sank down beside the fire. He
filled the cavern with his masculine strength. That’s a
beautiful concept. Juliette is very happy with Riordan, her
lifemate. He’s bossy, but really, after watching them, I can see he
does everything to make her happy.
As I would you. I have waited too many
years, csitri, and my time on this earth draws to an end. I
have ingested vampire blood in the hopes of entering the camp of
our greatest enemy and spying on them. I will be unable to come to
you. Already the blood is consuming me, perhaps faster than I
believed it could. I will have only a few risings to complete my
task before I must seek the dawn, or go down fighting. I could not
find you in this life, but hold hope for the next.
Her heart nearly stopped beating. Panic set in.
Full-blown panic. Dreams didn’t end like this. Nightmares did. He
wasn’t real, but he was the only reality for her when life closed
in and she had nowhere else to go. She’d fallen in love with him,
as silly as that sounded. This man with his warrior’s scars, the
face of an angel and demon, all in one, this man with the soul of a
poet.
No. I refuse to let you go. I won’t. You’re all
I have. You can’t leave me alone.
He touched her hair, rubbing the silky strands
between his fingers. Believe me, little one, I would prefer to
stay with you in our dream world. You have so many times gotten me
through moments I found not a little troubling. But I have a duty
to my people.
Her throat clogged with unexpected tears. If I
am the lifemate you talk of, isn’t your first duty to me?
His smile was sad. Had you truly been my
lifemate, when I heard your voice, you would have restored colors
and emotions to me.
You’re feeling sad. I can see it in your eyes
and hear it in your voice.
Merely a trick, csitri. I wish for these
emotions and draw from memories. You have sustained me these last
few years, and I thank you for that.
No! I won’t give you up. It was selfish of
her. He had a right to his nobility and sacrifice. Hadn’t she
sacrificed her entire life for the women of her species? But to
give him to the vampires . . .
In desperation, without truly thinking her decision
through, Solange shifted, right there in the crook of the Kapok
tree, and, clinging to the branch, called out to the only man who
mattered to her. Solange Sangria, the woman who had never needed—or
wanted—any man, of royal blood, powerful in her own right. A
warrior renowned and feared.
In her human form, in her own voice, born of
desperation and need, terrified that her dream lover might be real
and going into danger to sacrifice his life for his people, she
lifted her voice to the heavens, allowed the skies to carry it far
and wide. She humbled herself before the forest dwellers to save
him—to save herself.
“Don’t leave me!” The cry was torn from her
throat, from her soul, her anguish spilling like the blood of her
family onto the ground where everyone she loved had been
slaughtered and she’d been left alone—the last hope of justice for
the women and children of her species.
The sound of her voice lifted the birds from the
canopy and spread through the forest like the wind, filling every
empty space, her sorrow so acute the very trees shivered and the
animals wept with the rain.