Chapter 8

Pebbles in Your Shoe

Since this is our eighth chapter together, I’m going to tell you a little secret: I despise orphans. I mean, what good are they? When is the last time an orphan asked you how your day was? Can you name one “exceptional orphan” you’ve met?

I just read the previous paragraph aloud to Charlie and his mouth dropped open. He’s informed me I need to explain myself better so I don’t come across as heartless.

The “orphans” in the Red Riding Hood Kingdom did not lose their parents—they’re all alive and well. The children living in the orphanages are the bratty, mischievous, and greedy delinquents who were too much for their parents to raise, so they became the government’s problem.

This was entirely my fault and I take full responsibility. When I first opened the orphanages, there was a minor miscommunication with the scribe I was dictating my plans to. I said the orphanages were for “the children of deceased parents,” but that idiot wrote down “children of distressed parents.” I should have made him read it back to me, but I had scheduled an important nap to take afterward. By the time the typo came to my attention, the decree had already been posted all over the country. The next thing I knew, mothers and fathers from all corners of the kingdom had dragged their rambunctious children into town and left them on my doorstep.

Since then, those terrors have caused us nothing but headaches! They’re constantly sneaking out at night to play pranks around the kingdom! They put soap in the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf Memorial Fountain. They stained the wool on Little Bo Peep’s sheep, causing a tie-dyed-coat trend that winter. They’ve locked cats inside henhouses, glued cows’ hooves to the ground, and even filled Lady Muffet’s mailbox with spiders. The list goes on!

However, despite loathing them, I can never let my detestation show. It’s very important a monarch never reveal a pebble in their shoe, for their enemies may turn it into a boulder!

So, to keep up appearances, I spend one day every year with the orphans to disguise my disgust. During which the orphans and I play games like “tie the queen up,” “tiara Frisbee,” “guess what’s under her dress,” “Will she sink or swim?” and my favorite, “Is that a wig?” The kingdom thinks I’m being generous, the orphans think I like them, and no one is the wiser.

The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that when they become adults, I’ll get to tar and feather them. This visual has saved me from losing my temper on several occasions when I’m forced to be with people who annoy me.