Chapter 2

Image Is Everything

Without question, the most important and sacred thing to a ruler is his or her image! Any monarch who says “the well-being of their people and kingdom is what matters most to me” is only saying that to gain approval and avoid a revolution. Trust me—I’ve been there!

Don’t be fooled by the poor saps who claim “what’s inside your heart is what truly matters”—that is an absolute lie! The outside definitely outweighs the inside when you sit on a throne. You must be taken seriously if you want to survive as a monarch, and that starts with your appearance. No one is going to respect or admire a pudgy slob. You must look and act the part if you expect to get anywhere… or simply stay exactly where you are.

To your people, you represent God, because she chose you to lead them. (One might argue that a farmer, a shepherdess, three old folks, and a chicken chose me; to that, I say, “God works in mysterious ways!”) Therefore, you must represent God by being nothing less than perfection in the public eye. In a way, you must be God-like yourself.

I believe anyone can achieve this immortal facade with three easy steps I’ve created. I call them the Royal APP: appearance, performance, and perception.

Appearance

Sometimes a king or queen is the only glimpse of a kingdom the outside world is privy to. Consequently, the condition of your government, economy, and citizens will be assessed on your looks alone. In other words, your book will be judged by its cover, so make it pretty!

Let’s have a moment of honesty. I’m the queen of a farming country; if I accurately represented my kingdom, I would be walking around in a bonnet with rural animals running in circles around my feet. Not going to happen! Luckily, as queen it’s my duty to bring class and respectability to my kingdom’s image. I can’t let the world think we’re a bunch of staff-carrying pig breeders—even if we are. That’s why I’ve chosen to shape my appearance after my kingdom’s potential, not its truth. And I strongly recommend you do the same.

I believe the Red Riding Hood Kingdom will live up to its name and become a beautiful, wealthy, and cosmopolitan nation. So that’s how I dress, and it’s benefited us greatly. My sense of style is why our kingdom has such good relations with the neighboring countries. Everyone who sees me imagines the kingdom is as strong, rich, and sophisticated as I am. (And the fact that we grow over two-thirds of the world’s food doesn’t hurt, either.)

The better I look to the world, the better my kingdom looks to the world, and the better my kingdom looks to the world, the better I look to my own people. It’s a wonderful and enjoyable cycle that furthers my superiority.

So, as anyone can see, my need for nice things is entirely selfless. The gowns, the jewelry, the castles, the parties, and everything about my lavish lifestyle are for the prosperity of my people. I endure it all for them.

Performance

Every ruler must learn to act sooner than later. As difficult as it may be, you must never seem tired, angry, hungry, envious, or anything but perfectly comfortable. Any trace of humanity will be seen as weakness, and visible weaknesses can be dangerous to a ruler.

Never say “I have to use the little girls room” or “I need a nap” or “I’m going to start throwing the babies I get asked to kiss if I don’t get out of here!” All statements can be replaced with the simple phrase “Now I must be alone to think about matters of the kingdom.” Or, if you’re really desperate, like when a villager won’t stop talking, you can interrupt them with “Pardon me, I forgot about a very important matter I need to address this moment.” No one can ever fault you for saying this, and it’s a guaranteed way to get some much-needed alone time.

Of course, we both know the truth of our humanity. There are some days we can’t help looking like the humans we are. Even God’s chosen ones become ill, fatigued, or puffy from time to time. Thankfully, I have a solution for these times of need: jewelry!

Save your finest and shiniest jewels for the times you aren’t feeling your best. When people are blinded by your diamond necklace, they’ll never see the circles under your eyes. No one can say you look any less like a million gold coins if you’re wearing something literally worth a million gold coins.

Perception

This is the most important part of the Royal APP. If you play your cards right, a solid perception will make your appearance and performance much easier to manage.

One out of ten citizens may have the privilege of seeing me in the flesh during their lifetime. So how do you make your presence known throughout your kingdom when physical encounters are rare? The answer is simple and rulers have been doing it since the beginning of time: tributes!

There’s a reason monarchs display so many portraits and statues of themselves throughout their kingdom. Narcissism, obviously—but if they’re smart, they’ll use their narcissism strategically. The trick is getting people to know “you” without ever meeting you. I use the adorable quotations because the “you” that you want known may not be who you actually are. I’ll explain.…

A respectable and admirable public opinion is achieved by a light dose of brainwashing. Harsh, but true—just like overhead lighting. But don’t worry, the peasants are so wrapped up in their peasantry they have no clue it’s even happening. Getting them to understand the concept of washing has been a challenge alone; I doubt their tender minds could recognize the subliminal messages strategically staged around the kingdom to subconsciously alter their judgment. I don’t even understand what I just wrote.

It’s not a secret that most kings and queens force artists to alter their appearance in artwork. You should see what real monarchs look like in comparison to their portraits. Woof! If the art was truthful, once the artist finished their noses there would be no paint left!

But besides improving their attractiveness, most leaders use art as a way to bend the truth of their political status. A cowardly leader might request to be painted with a menacing facade. A ruler in debt may demand to be surrounded by wealth in a painting. A self-consciously short king may have a tall statue of himself built in the center of town. A queen who hates the snot-nosed brats at a local orphanage may have a portrait made of her embracing them.

These are all important measures a monarch must take to control perception. So whatever you’re lacking as a ruler, whether it be bravery, wealth, height, or compassion, make your portraits and statues show the opposite and no one will ever be the wiser.

Naturally, I wouldn’t know about it personally. This is one of the many instances where my citizens are lucky to have a genuinely beautiful and brilliant queen. I don’t think an artist could improve me if they tried. It’s known throughout my kingdom that I’m much more beautiful than my paintings and sculptures imply.

There you have it: the Royal APP explained! If you practice it routinely, you will convince not only your people of your perfection, but also yourself!

It’s a lot of pressure to put on one’s shoulders, but to quote Queen Snow White’s friends at the dwarf mines: “Pressure is what separates the dirt from the diamonds.”

Only once you’ve perfected your image would I advise moving your attention to a secondary priority, like your kingdom and people’s needs. Remember, there is no kingdom without the I.