CHAPTER 30

I wish I could say this is the first time I’ve awakened to too-bright lights and people peering into my face, but clearly, I’ve led that sort of life. It happened all too frequently on Perlas, generally in the middle of my sleep cycle.

Doc’s voice comes from beyond my peripheral vision. “Patient is conscious, responding appropriately to stimuli.”

“Vitals good.” That’s Evelyn.

Apparently, whatever they did to me, it was a success. My head still feels heavy, but I’m not aware of any pain. That’s a plus.

“Jax? Can you hear me?” March is kneeling beside me, his face pulled into an anxious frown.

“Yeah.” My voice comes out hoarse.

“How do you feel?”

I manage a joke. “Like I just fell out of the sky off a Skimmer.”

“Good. That’s good.” He glances at Doc. “Can I take her out of here?”

“She may have questions,” Evelyn says.

Do I? My brain isn’t firing at full capacity right now. Oh wait, yes, I do have one. “Did you do anything to the nanites?”

Evelyn fields that one. “Yes, we . . . upgraded them, you might say. They’re now configured to perform routine maintenance on the tech you have installed. That includes both your language chip and the prototype regulator we just installed. Your healing trances should be a thing of the past, as is your risk of burnout.”

“Anything else I need to know?”

Doc makes a show of beaming some instructions to March’s handheld. “Just this.”

“So I’m discharged, then?”

“You might want to give yourself a few moments to—”

But March is already swinging me into his arms. “I’ll take care of her, Doc.”

Maybe it’s just my general wooziness, but I like the sound of that. He carries me out of med bay, ignoring the half-articulated protests of scientists who doubtless want to poke and prod me some more. This behavior seems oddly unlike him, reckless, but then he taps his communicator.

“Constance, monitor Jax’s life signs. Make sure she’s not in any distress.”

Ah, there’s our fail-safe—and the cautious commander I know and love. He takes me back to our quarters and eases me gently into our bunk. Mildly disappointed, I expect him to leave me in Constance’s “care,” which is more palatable than staying in med bay. I spent enough time in there when I was recovering from catatonia.

Instead, he changes the setting, and our berth becomes a double. March lies down beside me, despite the fact that it’s nowhere near the start of our sleep cycle. Propped on his elbow, he gazes at me in silence until I start to feel uneasy.

“You have bad news,” I guess. “I’m permanently brain-damaged.”

Still silent, he shakes his head.

“What, then? Don’t you have work to do?”

“There’s always something I could do, but right now, what I want, more than anything, is to be with you.”

My heart, sore from losing Vel, swells inside me. Sometimes the man knows exactly what to say. It stands to reason, given that he’s a mind reader and all. I curl into him, shivering at his warmth, and with a soft sigh, I tuck my head against his chest. The back has a residual soreness, so I’m guessing that’s where they implanted the regulator.

“Good answer.”

“It’s the only answer.” He hesitates. “Jax, I want you to know, this isn’t my choice, any of it. I don’t want this.”

I answer gravely, “I know. Wishing I’d said yes back on New Terra, when you offered to become a homesteader?”

His hands skim down my spine, fingers playing each vertebra until I murmur in pleasure. “Not really. That life would’ve strangled you, so I’d have lost you anyway.”

“Anyway,” I repeat, “what are you talking about?”

Foreboding prickles over me, starting at the incision site. His heart races against me, indicating stress or arousal or both. I lift my face, studying his expression.

His eyes close. “I can’t be both your lover and your commander, Jax. Not with so much at stake. I want you—no, I need you on my ship—but I can’t multitask like that. I can’t risk making bad decisions because I’m terrified of losing you.”

“You have to consider the welfare of the whole crew.” Maybe I’m dumb as a rock, but I didn’t see this coming. I should have. “I can’t be your primary concern.”

“Exactly. We’ll have separate quarters on the Triumph, and I expect you to behave professionally at all times. We can’t let our history interfere with our mission.”

So that’s it? I’m “history”?

Intellectually, I understand the merit of what he’s saying. Emotionally, I want to scream and hit him in the head. How am I supposed to jack in with him, jump after jump, knowing there will be no more contact between us? Mary curse the Morgut and this war.

I don’t know how I sound so calm. “You’re saying this is our last night together.”

“For now. Until this is done.”

“What then? You put me on a shelf until you can afford me again, then expect to pick up where we left off, as soon as it’s convenient?”

He flinches, but a wounded soldier isn’t afraid to attack. “Isn’t that what you wanted to do when you were afraid you were dying?”

“Are you punishing me for that?”

“No,” he says wearily. “Strategically, I must do this. It will damage morale if your shipmates think you occupy a position higher than one granted by rank, by virtue of sleeping in my bed. They’ll try to use you. Worse, some will try to supplant you, wanting that influence themselves. You have to trust me, Jax. I know how people think.”

I suppose he would, privy to their innermost thoughts. One by one, I am losing everybody dear to me. Right now, I just want to see him bleed because all I know is that he’s leaving me again. There’s always a good reason for it, and I am fragging tired of loving a hero who always does the right thing. Except when he doesn’t—and I have to fix him. My heart sizzles in my chest, and I lash out.

“By your statement, you can’t show such favor to anyone aboard, so you have to be celibate. Do you think I’m going to act like a vestal virgin, too?”

His jaw clenches. I have that much satisfaction. At least I know he’s hurting, too; that gives me back some sense of control over the situation. “It will kill me inside if you turn to someone else, but I have no right to forbid it, as long as that person is equal to you in rank.”

“No,” I say quietly. “You don’t. Commander.”

“We must leave it there. I cannot prevent you from looking elsewhere, and I’ll not beg, either. Once this war is done, we’ll see.”

He says “once,” as if we’re guaranteed a victory, as if it’s assured both of us will walk away. Right now I have no certainty of either, but that’s why he’s the commander, and I’m just a combat jumper. The soldiers will need his strength and his faith. My anger trickles away like water through curled fingers; I can’t hold it.

I ask this of him more than is comfortable for me, but I need to hear it one last time before we set it aside for weapons and destruction. “Say you love me?”

His long fingers trail down my cheeks, shaping the sharp line, along the curve of my chin, and up to the swell of my lips. The warmth lingers like a phantom kiss. Tears slip from the corners of my eyes.

“More than the blood in my veins. More than the heart in my body.”

I laugh softly, unsteadily. “A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.”

“Nothing is simple between us. It never has been.”

Oh, truer words were never spoken. “If we have only tonight . . .” I shift against him, my leg curling over his.

“I just want to be with you,” he whispers. “One last night. But I didn’t think—”

“It’s only a bit tender at the base of my skull. You weren’t planning on messing about back there, were you?”

His laughter cascades in luscious reverberation, his chest to mine. “Hardly.”

“Then I’ll tell you what I want.” I press myself against him fully, whispering.

He listens, quietly avid. A shiver slides through him at my breath against his ear. “I’ve never done that.”

“Then it’s fitting that now should be the first time—and the last.”

March skims away my clothes gently, and I offer him the same service in silence. There’s no urgency yet, but our movements have purpose. We’re consciously constructing a memory, for who knows how long it will need to last?

When skin touches skin, he comes into me, filling my head with his warmth, and oh, yes, that’s what I want. Body to body, soul to soul—I want everything, and all of him, simultaneously. March rises up over me, bronze and strong. My hands skim down his sides. His pleasure is mine. His anguish and regret, also mine.

You’re so lovely. There’s utter heartbreak in him. I wish now I hadn’t tormented him with the idea of someone else. I try to apologize in soft, silent kisses.

There can be nobody else for me.

He’s hot and fierce, trembling against me. At my slightest touch he gives away, pulling me atop him. I tell myself it’s better for my head, but the truth is, he likes it when I master him. He likes being the quiet recipient of my pleasure.

Easing down, I take him, his thoughts swirling wildly in my head. His moan pushes past my lips. The heat of my own body arouses me fiercely, his love and longing pouring through me in waves. With this intensity, his yearning spiking mine ever higher, we cannot hold it long.

We shake together, utterly one.

.CLASSIFIED-TRANSMISSION.

. OPERATION HYDRA.

.FROM-SUNI_TARN.

.TO-EDUN_LEVITER.

. ENCRYPT-DESTR UCT-ENABLED.

Apologies if I presumed too much, sir. I only spoke so because I know your reputation. Most people would say you earned it through brutality, but I wonder if that’s entirely accurate. From what I have learned of you, it seems to me, you might have as easily earned that reputation via suggestion and misdirection. One whiff of your assistance in these matters would ruin me, toppling this administration, and yet I cannot regret bringing you on board. The past is past, but I would be a fool if I forgot its lessons. I think you understand this as well as me.

The statistics you report are grim indeed.

Your intel always arrives before any of my official sources. Thus, you advised me of the attack on the satellite training facility a full twelve hours before it came through channels. You will have seen my response on the bounce, but angry rhetoric can only carry us so far. If they are to believe I will strike when I curl my hand into a fist, I must deliver the first blow.

Therefore, I have reviewed your proposed offensive. Though there is some chance of harm to civilians, I judge it an acceptable risk in times of war and authorize you to proceed. You will, of course, be operating silent, and should your endeavor fail, I will deny everything.

Brighter news: the clinical trial went better than expected. The specimen reacted as predicted; there was no harm to the human control group. They were well compensated for their time. Thus, the first of our Armada ships have received the first shipment of Morfex. I look forward to hearing how it performs in battle.

Finally, I am still awaiting your input on the fiduciary issues. Please send it at your earliest convenience, bearing in mind that matters discussed above take precedence. The wolf is not at the door just yet, but I fear I hear him howling in the trees.

.END-TRANSMISSION.

. ACTIVATE-WORM: Y/N?

.Y.

.TRANSMISSION-DESTROYED.