CHAPTER 24

I awaken, weeping as if my heart will break.

It’s like losing him all over again. With her hallucinogenic spice, the Grand Administrator has done an unspeakably cruel thing. In a long history of being wounded, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so badly when the loss wasn’t fresh.

He didn’t just die yesterday. I wasn’t just in bed with him. He didn’t just tickle me in the shower and tell me he can’t possibly live without me. Outside the dream world, his face has started to grow blurry. I can’t remember his features without looking at them. I can only remember the way he suffered before he died.

They built a monument to the Sargasso on New Terra, for Mary’s sake, and it has his name on it. He’s one of the lost now. Tears pour down my cheeks unchecked. Through the blur of new grief, I see Vel and Constance hovering. They don’t know what the hell to do with me, it seems. The room smells vaguely of sickness, and mortification joins the awful broil in my stomach. I hope I didn’t make too much of a mess.

Then Vel proves he’s learning. He hugs me, claws cradling my shoulders. It’s less awkward than the way he embraced me on Lachion. His chitin feels cool and smooth against my overheated skin. Before now, it’s not a brand of comfort I would have acknowledged as effective; but even through his chitin, the contact helps. It’s not an aggressive act. I’m not his hostage; I’m his friend.

Whatever happens, I don’t doubt that Vel cares about me. He must be experiencing scorn and discrimination on levels I can’t even fathom, but he’s here. I don’t know what to do with my arms, whether I should hug him back or sit quiet.

He answers the question by helping me up. “The worst is over. You may experience a little dizziness, but the bulk has burned through your system.”

Calamity averted. Nobody important saw me melt down, so I guess that means it never happened. I smile, but the movement hurts, and it’s a parody of what a smile is supposed to signify. “No, the worst is just beginning. See, I lost him . . . again.”

They both pause. My PA is probably searching her files for references to this mysterious “him.” Then Constance touches my hair tentatively, as if testing the idea of contact as an instrument of reassurance.

“I have nothing of value to contribute. My parameters do not expand to encompass loss.”

I’m sure for her, one human is much like another. Mair stopped accessing her files, then I showed up.

Out with the old, in with the new. Right now I half wish she could rewrite my brain to make me more like her.

“Forget anything you dreamed while under the influence,” Vel says quietly. “Or it will drive you mad.”

Easy for him to say. I’m utterly humiliated. Did I writhe and moan, dreaming of how we made love on our last day together? My thighs feel sticky, proof of how real the delusion seemed. Did Constance log my dream-orgasm for later deconstruction?

“You have one hour before Councilor Devri’s social event,” the PA adds. “I can ready you for the occasion if you permit it.”

Ah, what the hell does it matter? Despair washes over me. Kai is lost to me, and after last night, I’m starting to think March might be, too. My fingers brush my throat. All I have left is work, so I need to do my duty; but the only way I can manage is to turn everything off. Compartmentalize.

None of this matters. This didn’t happen to me. It was some other Jax they broke.

I stagger toward the san-shower—copied from our design and installed to make us feel more at home—

undress, then rinse off the sour stink of fever sweat. Since neither Vel nor Constance cares about nudity, I emerge naked and ready for them to pick out my clothes. He’s supposed to escort me anyway. He may as well take a proprietary interest in garbing me appropriately.

I already wear his pattern on my skin. For all I know, that means I’m now his chattel, and he could sell me to the mines if he wants to. Mary, when will this ache go away? I feel like I did back on Perlas Station, trapped and helpless, with no way to assuage the ache.

Like a passive doll, I stand quiescent while they do the work. If I hadn’t promised to attend, I would send excuses—but Devri and Sharis might take offense—and I cannot afford to alienate my few allies. In the glass, I see a remote stranger, pale but well-groomed. The gold robe strikes the only familiar note, but I’m indifferent.

I feel hollow.

“You are now suitable for a diplomatic function,” Constance pronounces.

“Good. Would you show Vel the readings you took at the first summit? The ones of Councilor Devri.”

Maybe this numbness is a good thing. Otherwise, I would have felt embarrassed about grilling Vel over sexual matters. Now I just wait for him to view the footage Constance feeds into the terminal.

Devri comes up via thermal imaging, and I can see the hot spots right away. Vel studies them for a moment, then turns to me. “He was stimulated by your display of confidence and expertise during the session,” he confirms. “If you were . . . interested, he would present for you.”

“Really? Why?” I don’t even ask what that entails. “I thought your people found humans disgusting.”

“In most cases,” he agrees. “But a powerful, dominant female lays the most eggs, thus providing the most offspring—and the best chance of dynastic immortality. Thus, we are conditioned to be attracted to such displays. In your case, the attraction is more psychological than biological, and for Devri, it is apparently strong enough to override your lack of physical beauty.”

“Good to know. I might be able to use that. Turn off the feed, Constance.”

The PA complies. “It is good to have my suppositions confirmed.”

I should feel something, knowing one of the Bugs wouldn’t mind doing things with me that I can’t even imagine. Shock, revulsion, naughty interest? But there’s nothing. Maybe if I close my eyes, if I go back to sleep, I’ll find Kai again. It felt so real. I couldn’t remember anything of my life as it is now. I went back to before any of this happened. Before I lost him. Maybe I can get back there. Mary knows I want to.

But not right now.

“Is it time to go?” I ask.

“Yes. Are you ready, Sirantha?” Vel gazes at me as if in assessment.

Maybe he wonders if I’ll hold together long enough to show off my wa for Sharis and Devri. Well, I’ll do my best. I want to succeed here. I want to leave something behind that matters when I join Kai, so in a hundred turns, people will look at the solid friendship between humanity and the Ithtorians and say: Ambassador Jax did that.

Seems like a worthy legacy.

“Let’s do this.”

My balance feels a trifle unsteady as we walk but nothing disastrous. The jungle wonders of the government complex leave me unmoved for the first time. It seems like a lifetime since we came from the Grand Administrator’s apartment.

We pass through a tunnel that leads to the councilors’ annex. I have the sense of being entombed, but not even my latent claustrophobia can penetrate this thick, lovely veil of numbness. Nothing can reach me in here. Nothing can hurt me.

Just before we reach Devri’s place, Vel stops walking and performs the lowest wa I’ve ever seen from him. In a human being, I would take his body language for misery and regret. I’m not sure I can trust my instincts where he’s concerned, though. Being surrounded by his people, I understand better now how alien he is.

“I am sorry,” he says then. “I would not have had you suffer like this for worlds. Had I known she meant to do this, I would have advised you to reject her invitation regardless of the offense it caused. It is not . . .” He pauses, the vocalizer seeking a word. “Fair. You have been injured enough.”

“Damn few things are fair,” I answer. “Life has never been one of them. But I appreciate the thought.”

The ice around me gives a little crack, and I don’t want it to. Because then I’ll have to feel what’s underneath.

Jael turns the corner then. He comes toward us at a run, sleek and clad in black. I note that the damage to his face has healed fully. “Trying to leave me behind?”

I smile. “I keep trying, but it never works.”

Before he can reply, I step forward and let the door scan me. This is one of their technologies I like very much. Instead of a door-bot, they simply have a holo-cam that registers the image of anyone who comes within one meter of the door. If you stay still, the door projects your image on the other side, and if your presence is expected or desired, the homeowner lets you in. It’s very quiet and civilized.

A few seconds later, we’re admitted to the apartment. Devri’s dwelling is different from the Grand Administrator’s. It’s a full jungle in here, with trailing vines growing from the walls. Beneath our feet, the ground gives with each step, a soft loam. The room is heavy and damp, a little warm for my tastes, and redolent with the perfume of blooming flowers that taste syrup sweet on my tongue when I inhale.

Looks like the party is in full swing. I recognize a number of Ithtorians from the merchant summit. Devri immediately breaks away from a female to come greet us.

“So glad to see you.” He executes a lovely wa, and I remember the hot spots on his lower abdomen. I wish I could interpret body language as Vel does. Maybe it would tell me whether Devri has wicked intentions.

Still, this should be interesting.