CHAPTER 16

“It’s time to go,” March says.

He isn’t brooking any argument, so I make my wa to Sharis, allowing him to make our excuses. We’ve been here for hours, so nobody can be offended that we’re leaving. Even if I wasn’t worried, I’m also exhausted and . . . my feet hurt.

I didn’t see Devri or Mako tonight. I’m not sure what to make of that. Sartha and Karom both attended, but the Grand Administrator didn’t. I guess she had something better to do. It was, all told, an odd occasion.

With March in captain mode, we round up the rest of our people and head for quarters quickly. In the morning, I have another summit, this time meeting with the captains of industry. The Ithtorians who own controlling interest in the mines are particularly interested in this treaty because of the projected interest in their droids, which are far advanced in comparison to what we use currently.

They want to question me about the conversion of currency and how much a droid, sold for credits, would actually be worth on planet. I’ll need to run some numbers in the morning and confer with Constance about the commercial aspects of the alliance. She and Vel are best able to provide me accurate information about the profits the Conglomerate can offer.

I’ve never been so happy to see the end of a party, which says something, considering my reputation.

The gutter press used to stalk me, assured of getting something juicy for the midnight bounce if they just stuck with me. Before falling for Kai, I was known for closing down bars and spending all my creds on a last round for strangers who had become my new best friends. But that was a lifetime ago.

My brain feels a little numb, but I murmur something appropriate as Jael, Hit, Vel, and Dina bid us good night.

Constance surprises me by asking, “Do you mind if I accompany Velith? I would like to inquire about the native flora and fauna.”

I hope that’s all she asks about. It wouldn’t surprise me if she took it into her processor to ask about the elevated heat levels she recorded in Devri, who wasn’t in attendance at the party tonight. I try to imagine Vel’s reaction.

“No, that’s fine if Vel doesn’t mind.” I glance at the bounty hunter.

He seems willing, if not eager, to put up with Constance, so I give my blessing to their collaboration with a nod. March shoves me into our adjoining quarters without ceremony, then demands, “You got an implant? Do you have any idea what they’ll do if they find out? Are you out of your mind?”

“They won’t if you keep your voice down,” I mutter.

He waves that away. “That’s the stupidest, riskiest . . .”

“Sneakiest?” I offer. He gives me a look, and I go on, “Why do you care anyway? I thought you just wanted to get away from me.”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you. You’re mine.” The answer slips out from somewhere deep . . .

because he looks as astonished as I feel.

Possessiveness isn’t love. I’m not even sure it qualifies as an emotion. But if he’s feeling territorial, that’s progress from nothing at all. I can work with protectiveness. It’s a stepping-stone to other things.

“Am I still?” I ask quietly. “Or do you just remember that I used to be?”

His fingers flex at his sides, but I don’t feel threatened. It’s a restless, searching movement. Belatedly, I notice that he shaved for the party, so his jaw is smooth and strong. I fight the urge to close the distance between us and walk my fingertips across to his mouth. Once, I wouldn’t have thought twice about yielding to the impulse, but he’s a new animal now, struggling between the man he was and the one I want him to be again.

I hope he wants it, too, at some level. If I believed in Adele’s goddess, I might even pray over it. He means that much to me.

“Mine,” he repeats, deep and low. “Sometimes I feel that you’re woven into my bones. There’s a resonance when I look at you, as if from a part of me that’s missing . . . and it won’t let me walk away, not even when I want to.”

“So you’re in this?” I can’t hide the tremor in my voice.

I don’t even try. “You’re not going to Nicuan when this is over. To live like a king?”

He shakes his head slowly. “Not unless you’ll be my queen.”

“Well, I do look better than anticipated in the ceremonial robes.”

March smiles. He’s not back, not entirely. He’s on the cusp, I think, and his recovery will depend on so many factors that it boggles the mind to try to factor them. But for the first time, I feel a glimmer of real hope.

“You want to tell me what had you so twisted up at the party?”

My expression triggered the mental touch, I realize. He saw my face, and he went in instinctively, as he’d always done, when he realized there was something wrong. I touch him on a reflexive level, somewhere beyond conscious thought, and that’s how I’ll save him, too.

“Do you think you could stand to hold me?” I make the request nakedly, as I would never have done before. But I’ve made peace with needing him, and right now, I need his heat and strength more than ever before.

I’m not insulted when he has to think about it. “If you don’t make any sudden moves, it should be all right.”

I tell myself I’m not worried about this at all. He’d never hurt me. After all, he’s had ample opportunity.

“Then let’s go to bed.”

With only a slight hesitation, he takes my hand and leads me through to the bed. I’m painfully grateful to have even this much of him back. This is where secrets are shared and empires crumble, not in secret meetings but in darkened bedchambers.

“Jax,” he murmurs, and it sounds like an endearment.

“Yeah?”

“Can you find another way? I don’t think I can handle the frustration.”

He’s talking about how I said I intend to tease him to jump-start his emotional responses. I still think it’s a good idea, but he knows how he feels better than I do. If he says he can’t handle it, I’ll find another path.

“Sure.”

I don’t undress all the way. Earlier, I meant it when I said no sex until he could say he loved me and mean it, but I won’t torment him on purpose since he’s asked me not to. When we’re both in our underclothes, we slide beneath the blankets. He pulls me to him slowly, and I stay still, unsure of how much movement he can tolerate without feeling threatened. Mentally, he may be certain I pose no danger to him, but that won’t stop his reflexes from kicking in if I hit the wrong trigger.

His arms feel strong and sure. My breath comes out in a soft sigh as his familiar scent washes over me. I close my eyes and begin a quiet recitation of what I overheard. March listens in silence.

“So,” I conclude, “it sounded like they might be planning to kill me. But they never said that outright. All I know for sure? Something bad is going down in two days.”

“I wish I could get you the hell out of here,” he mutters.

I smile, wistful. “Me, too. But that’s not an option.” I sum up what Tarn said in his message earlier. God, it feels good to share stuff with him again.

Beside me, he tenses. “Mary. This isn’t going to be enough, Jax. Whatever Tarn thinks or hopes, the Ithtorians as allies are not going to warn off regular raiders, let alone the Syndicate or Farwan loyalists.

They might give pause to the Morgut, but frankly we don’t have any guarantee of that either. We should be out there, marshaling our forces, not wallowing in diplomatic bullshit.”

“That’s the soldier in you talking.”

“Baby, I’m mostly soldier, even on my best day. I’ve spent too many turns mired in mud and blood for it to be otherwise. If you wanted a sweet talker, you should have looked elsewhere.” His hands smooth over my head, investigating the pins that keep my hair in place. He pulls them out, one by one, in a gesture that’s silently proprietary.

I grin. “As I recall, I tried. You would’ve killed Hon if I’d gone through with it.”

There’s no humor in his voice. “Without a doubt.”

There’s surely something wrong with me because I enjoy a purely atavistic thrill from that certainty.

He’d kill for me, no question. And I like it.

We drift off with no solutions between us, and that’s all right. The warmth feels heavenly, as if I can face anything with him beside me. For the first time since I found him sitting in that dark room, I feel like he might be coming back to me. After tomorrow’s merchant summit, I’ll play some more of Mair’s logs.

Using the clues she left behind, almost as if she knew I’d need them, I’ll help him find the way back.

In the silence of my head, I say: I love you, March. Always.

Though I don’t realize I’ve drifted from waking to sleep, I must have because the world turns to darkness and fire. I can’t breathe, lungs burning with oxygen deprivation.

I wake with both his hands wrapped around my throat.