WEEK
28
A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
—Vice President Dan Quayle, speaking at a United Negro College Fund event

“What’d you forget?” Anne asked after biting into a slice of peasant bread.

“It’s like eating air,” Katie added.

“It tastes familiar,” Anne said, taking another bite.

I’ll say.

One often reads that bread made without salt is “insipid.” Except, of course, when it’s made in a renowned Tuscan restaurant using a traditional recipe. I was fairly distraught over my own insipid loaf. It didn’t even make for edible toast, and almost any bread tastes good once you toast it, but Anne reassured me, “You’re just off your game,” as she placed my mangled reading glasses in front of me.

“Oh, you found them. Where were they?”

“The clothes dryer.”

Off my game? More like off my rocker. Forgetting the salt was the culmination of a week during which I had experienced a series of mishaps worthy of Mr. Magoo, all of them due to forgetfulness or confusion. I’ll spare you the details because I suspect that anyone over the age of fifty could supply his or her own version of them, but suffice it to say that the week’s adventures included losing both pairs of prescription glasses plus my sunglasses, brewing coffee onto the kitchen floor (weighing the water doesn’t help if you forget to replace the pot), deleting an important computer file at work, forgetting Anne’s birthday for the first time in twenty-five years, and, most baffling of all, turning left when a sign displayed an arrow pointing right.

In that last instance, when I’d realized something was amiss and backtracked to the intersection, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The left-pointing arrow now clearly pointed to the right! What was this, a Road Runner cartoon? Had Wile E. Coyote flipped the sign around on me? Forgetfulness was one thing, but confusion, lack of recognition, not being able to follow a clearly marked street sign, was something else.

Was I experiencing early dementia? (Or in retrospect, was I just obsessed with cartoon analogies?) “I think I need to see someone,” I told Anne.

“You’re just tired. Give it some time and see if it improves.”

But now . . . I’d forgotten to add salt to the bread. Enough time.

——————————————

“I’m going to say a letter, and I want you to say as many words as you can that begin with that letter—no proper names like Tom or Jane—as quickly as you can.”

Once I’d decided to have my memory loss and confusion evaluated, I faced the problem of whom to see. I was doing this behind Anne’s disapproving back, and I felt awkward going to my regular neurologist. Plus, he’s the guy I see for my pinched nerve, and I didn’t want him asking about my dementia every time I came in for a sore neck. Then I remembered (remarkably enough) that I work in a psychiatric research institute, where they know a thing or two about dementia, so I approached the head of the geriatrics division.

“Beeelll,” he said in his elegant Italian accent, making my mundane name sound like a character in an Italian opera, “I don’t-a-think you have anything to worry about. You know, we see an interesting thing. Patients who come in and think they have Alzheimer’s almost never do.” As he spoke, his hands waved through the air as if directing actors around a stage. “Yet the patients who do have Alzheimer’s are in denial. They insist they are healthy.”

Just like the mosquito, I said. I’d read once that only female mosquitoes bite (to obtain blood for their eggs), but only male mosquitoes buzz (it’s a mating call). Thus, on a summer night, when you hear a mosquito buzzing, you needn’t worry. It’s when you don’t hear anything that you should move indoors.

“Exactly,” he said, his large hands going into motion again. He didn’t think that leaving salt out of bread was such a big deal, explaining that memory requires attention and focus. In other words (I’m paraphrasing liberally here), you can simply be too busy to remember things. “From everything you’ve told me, you’re probably just under stress. It sounds like you are very busy.”

Stress? Busy? To be sure, I was no Leeuwenhoek, virtually ignoring my vocation while fiddling with my avocation in the kitchen all day, but I wondered if my determination to bake the perfect loaf had approached or even crossed the line from passion to, well, something less healthy. I thought of Katie yelling, “Dad, what’s with you and the air holes!”

It looked as though we were done. I’d just get some rest and—“You say you are making breads,” he mused as I started to rise.

“Bread,” I corrected him. “Just one kind.” I was tempted to joke, “Two, now; peasant and pane Toscano,” but thought better of it. He was, after all, Italian.

“Just one kind?” His words hung in the air as I eased back into my seat. “I would suggest,” he continued, “if it would make you feel better, we can do an evaluation. Of course, everything is confidential.”

That last part was important. Having this testing done at work violated my time-honored principle of not crapping where I nest. Did I really want my colleagues performing a psychiatric evaluation on me? But it was only a memory test, nothing to be ashamed of, and after all, these were the experts.

The next morning I reported to the lab at nine thirty. I was able to do reasonably well in the word-recall test, in which you are read a long list of words and asked to recall as many as you can. I thought I’d aced the cognitive tests, such as assembling colored blocks to match a drawing, and the motor-skills test, putting some pegs into a pegboard. I was, in fact, sailing along until we came to a new game: beat the clock. The research assistant explained that she would give me a letter, and I’d have to name, in a limited time, as many words as I could—but no proper names—that began with that letter.

The research assistant readied her stopwatch. “No proper names, remember. Ready? Letter f.”

“Frank.”

She looked at me funny. Was I being a wise guy?

I wanted to say, “The adjective meaning ‘honest,’ not the common name,” but that would’ve eaten up too much of my time. Still, I wondered if she was counting or discounting the word, while precious milliseconds flew (flew—hey, there’s one I missed!) by. I moved on.

Inexplicably, the very next word that popped into my head was fellatio.

Well, I couldn’t say that! Problem is, the word wouldn’t budge. I tried to think of another word. Fellatio. No, go away! I pleaded silently, but it refused, standing erect and blocking every other word beginning with fin the dictionary. Why was this happening? Should I just say it and move on? It is, after all, a valid word, and it’s not as if it’s that other f-word, the four-letter one. And speaking of which, of all the letters in the alphabet, why did they have to choose the loaded letter f?

But guarantees of confidentiality notwithstanding, I feared that if I released it, within hours the entire institute would be hearing about the director of technology’s dirty mind or, even worse—much, much worse—his sexual harassment of the young research assistant. This was becoming a nightmare. I had to come up with another word, but every time I tried, that damn fellatio reared its ugly head.

At this point, I imagine I may be raising some speculation as to why I became fixated—damn, that’s another word I missed—on that particular word, so it’s probably a good idea to pause and discuss this, and let’s all be adults about this and do it without smirking, thank you. I don’t think I got fixated on fellatio because I always have sex on my mind.* Nor was it because the test was being administered by a young woman. No, I think it’s because Federico freakin’ Fellini was sitting in the next room, no doubt waving his hands, and Italian was on my mind.

I’ve always admired the word fellatio. It sounds so Italian, full of vowels and soft consonants, so exotic and lyrical, suggestive of a Roman orgy. By contrast, the English word commonly used for the act sounds harsh and crude to the ear, ending in a hard, clicking consonant. Why would anyone say “suck” when you can use the very same lovely four-syllable, vowel-dripping word that Julius Caesar himself used?

What can I say—I have a good vocabulary. Still, there was no way I was going to say that word to that woman. Especially since I was in a psychiatric research institution. Anything is possible here. What if this test was not really a memory test at all but a psychiatric evaluation in disguise? after all, she wasn’t just counting the words I was saying; she was writing them down. Sounds a touch paranoid? Well, then, maybe the test was designed to induce paranoia! after all, I was in a psychiatric research institution (did I mention that already?).

As I was having this lengthy and fascinating (another f-word I missed) discussion with myself, precious seconds ticked by, and I realized I hadn’t said a f—ing word in what seemed an eternity. The evaluator’s gaze bore down on me as beads of sweat started popping on my forehead. I’d been warned by Fellini that subjects sometimes become upset and storm out of these tests; now I could see why. Meltdown approached. Sirens were whooping, red lights were flashing, I could feel my mouth moving, but nothing was coming out of it. Oh, fudge!

“Fudge,” I croaked, barely audible, breaking the mental block.

“Foot. Find. Fred—no, forget Fred. Forget!”

“Time’s up,” she said, expressionless.

“Now tell me as many words as you can that begin with the letter s.”

“Suicide.”