PRACTICE 2 HOLD REGULAR 1-ON-1s

Several years ago, we had a superstar project manager, Joanna, who worked remotely and led a team of junior project managers. Joanna was developing her team’s capacities, hitting goals quarter after quarter, and doing extremely well financially—a low-maintenance high performer you could count on to deliver.

Then she handed in her two weeks’ notice.

As chief people officer, I dropped everything to meet with her and convince her to stay. Did she get another offer somewhere else? better incentives? We’d match it!

But as we talked, Joanna made it clear those weren’t the issues at all. Working from her home office made her feel disconnected from her team, and the way her manager spoke with her during their 1-on-1s only made things worse.

“He’s a good guy,” she told me. “But when we talk, it’s just long enough for him to run through my projects. He acknowledges that they’re always on time and on budget, but then the meeting is over. Never a question about the challenges of working remotely or what I’m interested in doing next. I know it’s not his job to be my friend, but I want to work where I feel valued and connected—not just a machine.”

I spoke with her manager about the issue but couldn’t make much headway. He insisted that he’d love “time to chat” with each team member, but he had an overwhelming schedule.

As a last-ditch effort, I convinced Joanna to move to another team with a promising new leader. Because he was new to leadership, this leader was hyper-focused on the fundamentals. He met regularly with his team members individually. He asked them questions. He listened. He remembered that his employees were whole people with lives beyond work. He made an effort to draw in remote employees and encouraged the team to interact and collaborate.

Joanna flourished with this leader, not only tackling bigger goals than ever but also helping her peers do the same. I’m happy to report that she continues to be a superstar for our organization to this day.

We all work for more than a paycheck. We crave camaraderie, collaboration, and engagement, especially as fewer of us work in brick-and-mortar buildings.

What I especially appreciate about the experience with Joanna was that the newer leader understood this. It’s not always about how many years you have under your belt as a leader. That can work against you if you unintentionally go on autopilot and forget that leaders need to address the emotional aspect of the job.

Now think about your leadership style—both who you are now and who you want to be. Analyze yourself: Are you more like Joanna’s first leader, or her new one? Do you have any Joannas on your team? What could you do to find out? And how can you ensure that engaging your team members on a regular basis is job number one, no matter how busy you get?

—TODD

As we build the case that 1-on-1s are one of your strongest levers to engage your team, let’s first define what we mean by “engagement.” At FranklinCovey, we’ve found that employees typically fall on a spectrum, with a distinct difference between the bottom and top three levels:

Note the dotted line in the middle—it’s key. Team members above the line are doing the job because they want to, while those below are doing the job because they have to. If people are indifferently compliant or lower, you will have to tell them over and over what to do, because they won’t do it on their own.

While all leaders would love to have their teams at the top level, occasionally they say, “Some days, I’d take indifferent compliance!” It might be tempting just to get by, but don’t settle—true engagement pays off. Gallup has consistently linked employee engagement with profitability, productivity, quality, and turnover.^I

Leaders don’t, in fact, create engagement. People choose their level of engagement. Leaders create the conditions for engagement—for better or worse.

As we saw with Joanna, a paycheck alone isn’t enough to motivate your team to climb the levels. Neither are bonuses, offices, titles, praise, or even ultimatums and threats. Those may be easy to deploy, but their effectiveness fades fast. If we promise a direct report that they’ll get a bonus if they land a critical project, their immediate performance may spike. But the next time we want to motivate them, we may have to pony up another bonus. That’s not sustainable financially, but more importantly, it won’t catalyze the engagement of your people long term.

In our experience, people rarely quit their jobs based on compensation; rather, they quit their manager. Or they quit the culture. So it’s imperative to consider the conditions you are creating for a compelling work environment. Do you make it easy, engaging, and actually enjoyable to get work done, or are there too many processes making it difficult and unrewarding? Do you look over people’s shoulders, closely monitoring their progress? Or maybe you abandon colleagues, leaving them to figure things out entirely on their own? Do you celebrate people, or do you let opportunities to acknowledge them pass you by? Do you give your team courageous yet considerate feedback? Do they feel safe telling you the truth? Is it too challenging or not challenging enough for team members to succeed in your culture—and do you notice when they do?

We often think of culture as a nebulous concept. But leaders create culture in every interaction, email, meeting, speech, or text. They also can destroy it in those interactions: talking about people behind their back, using an inappropriate tone in an email or a text, failing to give people credit, ignoring someone in the hallway, or complaining about company policies. Because you’re a leader, you’re noticed. Every time you communicate, every time you open your mouth, you create culture. And 1-on-1 interactions are one of your best tools to build and reinforce the type of culture every team member deserves. Strategically planned and executed, 1-on-1s are arguably the best way to create the conditions for high engagement and ensure your team members are connected to you as their leader.

Unfortunately, 1-on-1s often end up as status updates—if we hold them at all. They become rote meetings to check people’s progress: “What did you work on last week? What are you working on this week? Great. Next!”

If our main interaction with our team members is to check that they’ve hit key benchmarks, we become our team’s monitor. You might get incremental improvements this way, but you’re just as likely to deflate people’s energy, zap their creativity, and drive them to do the minimum.

By only monitoring progress, the leader in Todd’s story missed the opportunity to discover that Joanna actually wanted connection more than another bonus. He thought he didn’t have enough time to hold more in-depth 1-on-1s, so he saved thirty minutes a week in the short term, and lost one of his most high-performing employees in the long term.

In contrast, effective leaders use 1-on-1s to coach. They create the conditions for engagement by meeting regularly with each team member, drawing out issues through open-ended questions and Empathic Listening, and helping people solve problems.

In effective 1-on-1s, you might hear things like:

• “A colleague is blocking my progress.”
• “My personal life is falling apart.”
• “I’m getting bored with my role.”
• “I have a great idea, but I haven’t had time to think it through.”
• “I get really nervous when I give presentations, and I need help.”
• “I’m not sure what you expect.”

Because information like this is uncovered, 1-on-1s have higher stakes than other kinds of meetings. And they take different skills. If we prepare beforehand and coach during these meetings, we can unearth challenges, head off problems, test new ideas, celebrate successes, and encourage growth.

SKILL 1: PREPARE FOR YOUR 1-ON-1s

First, let’s establish some best practices for 1-on-1s. Schedule them in advance as recurring calendar appointments. Try to meet at the same day and time for each team member. Reserve at least thirty minutes, because it’s difficult to have meaningful conversations in less time. Hold them regularly—the gold standard is weekly—and commit to that date and time without moving the appointment if possible.

Don’t cancel unless absolutely necessary. Canceling a 1-on-1 is a huge withdrawal—it clearly communicates to the team member that they’re not important. It will be frighteningly easy to cancel the second, third, and fourth 1-on-1 after you’ve greased that track. Holding your second 1-on-1 is probably even more important than the first one. Same with the third. Once you’re in, you have to stay in.

A good friend, Drew, told me about joining a new company. On his first day, his new boss shared with him what a great talent he was, what an important role he was filling, and how glad she was that he joined them. Drew’s success was one of her top priorities, so she wanted to meet weekly to support him.

When their first meeting came around, Drew was buzzing with ideas and questions. But that morning, the boss’s assistant apologetically called to reschedule. Something important had come up. Drew was disappointed, but said he understood and would look forward to their next meeting.

But the following week, Drew received another apologetic call from the assistant.

And no surprise—it happened the following week too. Before long, several months passed, and he still hadn’t met with his manager outside of staff meetings.

Drew learned from his co-workers that this was a common pattern and that he shouldn’t expect it to change. The excitement of his new role diminished, and his morale sank to the point that he thought about quitting. Instead, he resigned himself to just getting through his to-do list each day.

The canceled 1-on-1s sent a clear message: Drew wasn’t a priority, and his engagement didn’t matter.

—TODD

Often you’ll be tempted to cancel your 1-on-1s when your own boss has demanded something urgent from you. Proactively assess when your boss is most likely to commandeer your time and see if you can schedule your 1-on-1s when they have a sacred meeting that they’re unlikely to cancel. Depending on your culture and relationship with your leader, you might also consider framing it as a question for them: “I have a regularly scheduled 1-on-1 with Tina at that time. Do you want me to cancel on her?” With some thoughtfulness, you can think through the temptations and distractions likely to come your way.

Prepare an agenda. Collect your thoughts ahead of time and ask your team member to do the same. Avoid talking about the same things over and over.

Remember that the purpose of this meeting is to lift the engagement of your team member. Let them be part of creating the agenda or invite them to take the lead. The format may vary—sometimes one or both of you will fill out an agenda planner like the ones at the end of this chapter; sometimes you’ll lead, sometimes they will. Whatever the structure, remember the point is to lift their engagement. One constant: you’re not going to have more time than you need, so be realistic about priorities and put the most important items up front, including the issues that require the most conversation, assessment, or brainstorming.

Account for your energy. In his recent bestseller When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, Daniel Pink discussed the concept of understanding your energy peaks, troughs, and recovery. Ask yourself at what point of the day are you at your highest levels of energy—physically and intellectually? At what points are you at your lowest? I’ve realized my peak is from 5 a.m. to 10 a.m. when I do my best creative thinking and collaborating. I execute on those ideas at a fevered pace until 11:30 a.m., when I become fixated on lunch. My trough hits in the afternoon.

Now that I know this, I need to schedule my 1-on-1s in the morning so my team gets my finest attention and discipline, and I’m least likely to cancel them. Don’t schedule 1-on-1s when your energy wanes or schedule them back-to-back without a break. And, of course, you’ll never find the perfectly optimal time, but consider your team member’s energy level as well. Although we generally recommend keeping the appointment time consistent, you might want to rotate your meeting time if there’s a conflict between your energy needs and theirs.

Adjust for remote 1-on-1s. If part or all of your team is remote from you, you’ll need to modify your 1-on-1s. Without daily in-person interaction, it’s easy to miss subtle cues about how they’re doing. You’ll likely need extra time to talk—and listen—about their concerns, questions, and progress.

I was recently consulting with an organization that had a team member working remotely on the other side of the country. She only saw her team in person three to four times a year. I asked her how she liked working out of her home after a career in an office, and she said, “I like the flexibility, but sometimes the silence is deafening.”

• Break up remote 1-on-1s over multiple days. Try scheduling shorter, more frequent 1-on-1s so there’s less time between meetings and an extra chance to pick up on brewing issues.
• Respect time zones. When scheduling, be considerate of what time it is on your team member’s side of the world—and how that affects your team member’s peak, trough, and recovery times.
• Use face-to-face tools. Leaders need to be aware of how lonely and disconnected virtual members might feel. It’s hard to create culture sitting alone at the kitchen table. Whenever possible, conduct your virtual 1-on-1s on video so you can see their body language and facial expression. Don’t underestimate the power of video conferencing with remote employees—it could be the difference between them staying engaged in the culture and abandoning it.

Now for some real talk. When done properly and methodically, 1-on-1s can change your culture of engagement. But they could also destroy it when done haphazardly or, worse, not honored at all.

Think carefully about how you’re going to ease into this practice, because it differs drastically from holding performance appraisals once a year or quarter. When I was working with a client recently, I introduced the practice of holding regular 1-on-1s to the team leader, Chris. He immediately realized the opportunity to grow the business and help his team of thirty connect to him as the leader, and got excited to announce it to his team the next day. But I cautioned him, “Chris, be careful about announcing that you’re now going to hold 1-on-1s every week with every member of the team. Because if you’re like most leaders, you’re going to overcommit yourself, burn out, and start canceling. And it will actually decrease the level of trust you have with your team.”

You don’t want to fall into the trap of announcing 1-on-1s with everyone when you might not be able to keep that promise. Once you open your calendar, reality will set in. With simple thoughtfulness, Chris recalibrated: “Okay, what can I actually accomplish? Could it be monthly?” Once a month was 100 percent more than what he was currently doing. As much as he recognized the value of instituting regular 1-on-1s, he also recognized the importance of not overcommitting.

Holding regular 1-on-1s requires a level of discipline and perseverance that will be constantly tested by urgent requests, distractions, and needs coming down from your own leader. It challenges the conventional paradigm that bosses run meetings and address their own priorities. It’s possible that you’ve been craving this meeting with your own leader, but they haven’t made the time for it. You need to summon the maturity, stamina, and vision to decide you’re going to be the leader your people need, not based on the leader you may have.

Don’t underestimate how difficult but impactful and rewarding these meetings can be. You’re going to need to continually revise your thinking about what happens during this meeting, your role vs. their role, how much time you listen vs. speak, and perhaps most importantly, the damage that comes from not honoring them. You may not be recognized for keeping them, but you will be made a pariah for canceling them.

Be measured. Calibrate. Be realistic. Don’t overcommit. Although we recommend holding them weekly, your cadence will be based on your day job, your number of direct reports, your other commitments, and the demands of your own boss. If your team is large, you might decide to hold them every two or four weeks so you don’t implode under the weight of your commitment.

SKILL 2: COACH DURING THE 1-ON-1

In this practice, we’re shifting from monitors of actions to coaches of people. That requires you to no longer tell people what to do, but to ask them how they would do it; from having all the answers to helping people discover the answers; from checking boxes to asking meaningful questions—and really listening to their answers. When you make this transition, you’ll move from directing and informing to inspiring and engaging.

Coaching means respecting your team members’ abilities and believing they have the capacity to grow. It means encouraging them to problem-solve, think in new ways, and develop their talents. Some colleagues will resist solving their own problems because they lack confidence. Coaching builds that confidence and minimizes dependencies.

To coach well, you must be fully present. Whether you’re conducting the meeting live or virtually, remove as many distractions as possible. Close your laptop and put any tasks away from your line of sight. Resist looking at your phone every time it vibrates.

Giving someone your undivided attention—truly rare these days—can signal profound respect for the team member. When the meeting starts, I recommend intentionally placing your phone on silent and putting it away, in order to demonstrate that they have your full attention. Literally do this in front of the other person. It may seem a bit contrived, but it’s a tangible sign that they are your top priority for the next thirty minutes.

During a particularly stressful time at work and home, I still took pride in keeping my commitment of holding my 1-on-1s with my team members. But to be honest, while I was physically there, I wasn’t mentally present. I was “ticking the box.” I thought I hid it well.

But when I asked my team members for feedback on the previous quarter’s 1-on-1 meetings, two of them told me that I seemed preoccupied and that my mind was elsewhere.

I was embarrassed that my lack of attention had been so transparent! But that wasn’t the real issue. I didn’t need to learn better techniques to hide my preoccupation; I needed a strategy to stay focused and give my team members the attention they deserved.

Since receiving that feedback, I take ten minutes before each 1-on-1 to review the previous meeting’s notes, turn off my email notifications, and silence my phone. After a few deep breaths and quiet time to reflect and focus, I feel much more present during the meetings. And my team members notice too.

Get feedback on whether the 1-on-1s are adding value, and discuss what you both can do to improve the meetings.

—VICTORIA

Try to take care of anything urgent that could arise during the meeting beforehand, and let those around you know not to interrupt. An employee might become emotional during a 1-on-1, and the last thing you want is for them to feel like someone will walk in during a vulnerable moment. If you meet in an open-concept space or an office with glass walls, establish appropriate privacy before the meeting. Perhaps keep tissues discreetly nearby. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way. People will remember how you handle these moments.

Ask Coaching Questions

Coaching questions are open-ended and can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. They encourage reflection and invite team members to do the majority of the talking and solve their own problems.

At the end of this chapter, we’ve gathered an extensive list of coaching questions to address challenging situations (e.g., helping a team member solve a problem on their own, getting your 1-on-1s out of a rut, and drawing out a difficult issue). Before your 1-on-1s, add the most relevant questions to your prep worksheet or agenda. Any one of those questions could take up your whole 1-on-1—and that’s perfectly fine. Go with the flow and get the conversation going.

For your first 1-on-1, you won’t naturally switch from a traditional meeting approach, where you’re monitoring results and providing solutions, to a coaching model, without some practice. Try role-playing it with a trusted peer to practice moving from talking 80 percent of the time to 20 percent, from leading the meeting to following, from solving to coaching.

LISTEN WITH EMPATHY

During a 1-on-1 with Allison, whom I’ve worked with for more than a decade, she began to share a challenge I happened to be fairly passionate about. I immediately flipped into problem-solving mode, spouting ideas, grilling her with questions, and then interrupting her to answer them myself. Finally Allison said in exasperation, “If you would just shut up, I’d tell you.”

It stopped me in my tracks. What was I doing? I had violated every part of the 1-on-1 and caused one of my most effective (and polite) team members to blow a gasket. And she was totally in the right.

Listening is a vastly undervalued leadership competency. We’re taught the importance of clarifying our messages, communicating with confidence and persuasion, and mastering the specific words we use. At most, we give some lip service to the value of just shutting up and listening. It’s counterintuitive as a leader, because we’ve often spent our careers talking—setting a vision others want to follow; convincing; instructing. Those are hard to do silently.

Listening is hard work. It requires you to suspend your own needs and check into someone else’s. It necessitates self-control, discipline, and a genuine interest in understanding another’s point of view. Listening requires you to care.

Too often in our current world of showmanship, listening can be viewed as weakness. Telling—now that’s a strength. TED Talks, for example, are built on telling… faster.

Here’s a listening technique that’s helped me over the years, modified from an original version by Deborah Tannen, the famed Georgetown University professor of linguistics and communication expert. When someone else is talking, purposely close your mouth and ensure your lips touch each other (your own lips, not yours to theirs). If your upper and lower lips are touching, it’s impossible to speak. Try it. You literally can’t form a word, thus you can’t interrupt. Don’t overexaggerate it. Just close your mouth, gently keep your lips touching, and listen.

There’s more. When the other person is finished talking, keep your lips together, count to three, or even five. If you remain silent, the likelihood that they will keep talking is high. It’s during this second “round” of listening that the other person may share vital, relevant, even touching details about their point of view.

I’m convinced that the first step to becoming a better listener is to simply stop talking and eliminate, or even just lessen, your own interrupting.

Once while leading a diverse team of individuals from several different countries, I knew my ability to truly understand would be critical to our success. I was consciously using silence during 1-on-1s to get to the heart of different issues.

I even overheard one team member say to another, “You always end up talking more than you expect when you walk into her office.” My goal wasn’t to uncover people’s secrets, but to understand their viewpoints. What motivated them? Why did they act in a certain way? What experiences had given them their unique perspectives?

Being comfortable with silence gave my team members the space they needed to ponder, explore, and share. And it gave me time to listen deeply and allow important issues to surface naturally, which helped me see the bigger picture and become a better coach and leader.

I have learned to use silence to communicate better. It took a while since I’m normally a chatty person. But when I was given the nickname “Queen of Silence” by my team, I had proof that listening is a leadership skill you can learn and develop.

—VICTORIA

Contrast interrupting with Empathic Listening, or listening with the intent to understand. The essence of Empathic Listening is not that you agree or disagree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually. Suspend your thinking long enough to get inside another person’s frame of reference, looking out through it, and trying to sincerely see the world the way they see it. You understand their paradigm and begin to understand how they feel.

Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is a form of agreement and sometimes is appropriate for the situation. But some people feed on sympathy, and it makes them further dependent… on you.

Empathic Listening requires you to pay attention to what they’re saying, and their body language as well. You listen for feeling, meaning, and behavior. Then check for understanding:

• “So what you’re saying is…”
• “Let me make sure I’m hearing you correctly…”
• “It seems as if you’re upset about this. Is that right…?”

Be careful not to overuse these phrases. Make sure you deploy them sincerely, or they may come off too studied or as a technique. The key is to try to understand the other person’s point of view. Great leaders continue to do this after the conversation, by synthesizing common themes they hear during the 1-on-1, setting goals based on these conversations, and implementing changes accordingly. You’re going to have much better results with your 1-on-1s if you approach them as a continuous conversation and not just a thirty-minute hoop to jump through.

Recently a team member came to me for advice about a serious issue. I listened and helped her find a solution. It was a good one-hour proper coaching chat. She left happy.

The next day someone from the same department wanted to talk to me. I didn’t have time, but he started off in a very similar way as the person the day before. I thought, “Hey, I can help him because I already solved this problem yesterday!” A couple of sentences from him triggered my entire response. I gave him the same advice and rushed off to my meeting.

Only because I had a good relationship with him did I find out that my advice led to complete disaster. I had to apologize, go back, and truly listen. And, of course, I learned that his issue was a different one and required different advice. Instead of having to undo the damage I had accidentally created by trying to rush through his problem, I should have set up a separate time to listen to him.

Many managers say they’re bad at listening when they’re stressed or have negative feelings. I actually don’t listen well when I’m super enthusiastic. I go right into solving problems—even if it’s not the actual problem that needs solving.

When do you tend to slip out of listening mode?

—VICTORIA

Dr. Stephen R. Covey said, “The deepest need of the human heart is to feel understood.” Slow down the next time you’re in a conversation where emotions are high. Listen for what the other person is really saying. Stretch yourself to look through another person’s frame of reference.

CREATE COMMITMENTS AT THE END OF THE 1-ON-1

A pushback I often get with Empathic Listening is “I don’t want to become the office therapist” or “When does Empathetic Listening end? When do we finally get to problem solving?”

While listening is clearly essential (and the part most leaders struggle with), 1-on-1s also require you to share insights, ideas, and frameworks to coach, support, and develop your team members.

For example, one of my team members was starting to feel discouraged about not reaching his targets. By carefully listening during our 1-on-1s, I detected his frustration and we discussed how it was impacting his engagement. But I didn’t leave it there. We then devised a plan to improve his sales calls and reach his goals. It wasn’t enough to listen; he needed hands-on coaching and advice.

Coaching is more than asking questions and listening; it’s keeping each other accountable for what you’ve discussed and taking action. If you’re focused on engagement throughout your 1-on-1, your team member should feel ownership over their responsibilities, and excitement at the prospect of accomplishing their goals.

Wrap up by reviewing any action items from last week. If they didn’t complete the previous week’s commitments, you should listen, understand the reason, and coach your team member about how to move forward. Address the issue early before it becomes a trend. Then agree on next steps. Don’t fall into the trap of telling your team member what to do; let them articulate their commitments. You’ll learn in Practice 3 how to delegate effectively and give feedback if things aren’t going well—for example, if a team member is constantly missing deadlines.

One way you can help your team is by clearing the path—cutting through bureaucratic red tape, connecting the team member with a contact, or getting a response from someone who’s been unavailable. This is especially helpful for someone you’re managing whose job is outside of your technical expertise. Ask, “What can I do this week to support you?” or “What resources can I provide?” Then get it done. Keeping your commitments is just as important as employees keeping theirs.

I. Gallup, Inc. (2013, June 20). How Employee Engagement Drives Growth. Retrieved from https://www.gallup.com/workplace/236927/employee-engagement-drives-growth.aspx.