Chapter 8

Get The Sex You Want:
Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex

Take everything written about Nice Guys in this book —their shame, their sacrifice of self, their approval seeking, their doing the opposite of what works, their indirectness, their caretaking, their covert contracts, their controlling behavior, their fear, their dishonesty, their difficulty receiving, their dysfunctional relationships, their loss of masculine energy. Now put them all in a great big container, shake them up, open the lid, look inside, and you’ll have a pretty good view of how Nice Guys do sex.

For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified. I believe it is safe to say that every Nice Guy with whom I have ever worked has had some significant problem with sex. These problems are manifested in many ways, but the most common are:

• Not getting enough. This is by far the most common sexual complaint of Nice Guys. The focus of this problem is frequently directed at a seemingly sexually inhibited or unavailable partner (or the unavailability of women in general).
• Having to settle for less than satisfying sex. Nice Guys often settle for bad sex, believing that it is better than no sex at all. Again, the blame is often focused on the Nice Guy’s partner.
• Sexual dysfunction. This usually takes the form of an inability to get or maintain an erection, or premature ejaculation.
• Sexual repression. Some Nice Guys claim to have little or no interest in sex. More often than not, these men are actually engaged in some form of sexual activity that they believe is best kept out of sight.
• Compulsive sexual behavior. This can include compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography, affairs, peep shows, 900 numbers, cybersex, and prostitution.

When you add all of these dynamics together, you end up with a breed of men who don’t have very much sex and/or don’t have very much good sex. Even though most Nice Guys have a tendency to focus on factors outside of themselves as the cause of this problem, the opposite is closer to the truth. It is Nice Guys themselves who are masters at making sure that their sex lives are less than satisfying.

Shame And Fear

The difficulty Nice Guys have with sex can be directly linked to two issues: shame and fear. All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings. In my experience, this is probably the most difficult concept for Nice Guys to understand and accept about themselves. This is so important I will say it again: All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.

If you could peel back a Nice Guy’s brain and find the part of the unconscious mind that controls sex, here is what you would find:

• Memories of childhood experiences that made him feel like he was bad.
• The pain of not getting his needs met in a timely, healthy manner.
• The effects of growing up with sexually wounded parents.
• The sexual distortions and illusions of a really screwed up society.
• The absence of accurate sexual information when it was needed.
• The sexual guilt and shame associated with centuries of religious influence.
• The effects of covert sexual bonds created by his mother.
• The trauma of sexual violations.
• The memories of early sexual experiences wrapped in secrecy.
• The distorted and unrealistic images of bodies and sex in pornography.
• The shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors.
• The memories of previous sexual failures or rejections.

Every time a Nice Guy has a sexual feeling or is in a sexual situation, he must negotiate through all of this unconscious baggage. Nice Guys find numerous creative ways to avoid or distract themselves from their sexual shame and fear. Unfortunately, these avoidance and distraction mechanisms prevent Nice Guys from having much of anything that resembles a good sex life. These avoidance and distraction mechanisms include:

• Avoiding sexual situations and sexual opportunities.
• Trying to be a good lover.
• Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors.
• Repressing their life energy.
• Settling for bad sex.

Avoidance Of Sexual Situations And Sexual Opportunities Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys find many creative ways to avoid sex. I have coined the term Vagiphobia to describe this propensity. Vagiphobia is a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it is in. While this survival mechanism may help protect the Nice Guy from having to experience his shame and fear, it also guarantees he won’t have very much sex.

Alan could be the vagiphobia poster child. Alan began therapy due to a problematic habit of entering into sexualized relationships outside of his marriage. Some of these trysts became overtly sexual, yet none were ever consummated with intercourse. The problem came to a head after he began a relationship with one of his wife’s girlfriends and his wife found an incriminating note in his coat pocket.

In therapy, Alan revealed that he liked the attention of women. In social situations he always felt more comfortable connecting with women. Over time, it became apparent that due to childhood conditioning —a monogamous bond with his mother, the decision to be different from his father, and the effects of fundamentalist religious teachings —Alan found creative ways to get the attention of women while avoiding putting his penis in their vaginas. (I refer to this common Nice Guy behavior as «flirting without fucking.» As long as the Nice Guy doesn’t put his penis in a vagina, he can exchange all kinds of sexual energy yet convince himself he hasn’t really had sex or hasn’t done anything wrong.) On one occasion, Alan shared an example with his No More Mr. Nice Guy! group of this behavior. Alan had been on a business trip, traveling with a co-worker, a young woman whom Alan found very attractive. During the trip, they flirted and exchanged sexual innuendoes. One evening, they sat in the bar and talked about their lives. The evening ended with some slow dancing. The next evening after drinks, the woman invited Alan to join her in the hot tub. She showed up in a revealing string bikini.

While in the hot tub, she sat on Alan’s lap and they kissed passionately. Even though he was very aroused, he turned down her offer to go up to her room because he didn’t want to «jeopardize their working relationship.»

This story is consistent with Alan’s lifelong avoidance of vaginas. Alan had a couple of girlfriends in high school. But whenever the girls got serious and wanted to move beyond petting, Alan felt smothered and broke up.

Alan portrayed his wife as being sexually withdrawn. One factor that contributed to this situation was that Alan would never directly initiate sex. He believed women thought sex was bad and he was convinced that if he was too direct in letting them know he wanted to have sex, they would think he was bad.

Alan used his frustration over his wife’s sexual unavailability to justify his sexualized behavior with other women. Interestingly enough, Alan had a consistent knack of only flirting with women that weren’t very likely to be available to consummate a relationship with him. On the rare occasion that he guessed wrong, Alan would find some good reason to not follow through with what he had started.

Trying To Be A Good Lover Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

It is not unusual for Nice Guys to pride themselves on being good lovers. Being a good lover can be an attachment these men use to feel valuable. It can be a way to convince themselves they are different from other men. It can also be a very effective mechanism for allowing them to have sex while staying distracted from their internalized shame and fear. As long as they are focused on the arousal and pleasure of their partner, Nice Guys can distract themselves from their own toxic shame, feelings of inadequacy, or fear of being smothered. Terrance, a Nice Guy in his mid-thirties is a good example.

«I’ve got a problem with premature ejaculation.» This was how Terrance introduced himself in his first therapy session. «My first wife left me for another man,» he continued without pausing. «That was devastating. The good news is, I met a wonderful, sensual, sexual woman, and we’re engaged to get married. There’s only one problem. I come too fast. She turns me on so much, I just get too excited.»

Terrance went on to describe how hard he worked to please his girlfriend when they made love.

Whenever they had sex, Terrance would try to make sure his girlfriend had two or three orgasms by stimulating her orally before he put his penis inside her vagina. He then tried to bring her to one more climax vaginally. Unfortunately, he frequently ejaculated before she had her final orgasm. Terrance was so seemingly selfless that he told his fiancée that he didn’t care if he never had an orgasm, as long as she was satisfied.

«Everything is great except this one issue,» Terrance claimed. «Her kids love me. Her parents love me.

She says she loves everything about me, except she feels like 30 percent is missing. She doesn’t seem to want to make love anymore and is talking about postponing the wedding until I can get this thing fixed.»

Most of the time, Nice Guys like Terrance are totally unaware of how much they are missing by trying to be great lovers. When Nice Guys set out to be great lovers, they are actually creating a recipe for boring sex. Sex that focuses on trying to please the other guarantees a routine, do-what-worked-last-time kind of experience. Trying to be a great lover pretty much insures that a Nice Guy will not have many passionate, reciprocal, spontaneous, serendipitous, or intimate sexual experiences —hardly a recipe for good sex!

Hiding Compulsive Sexual Behaviors Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

Imagine the financial jackpot of inventing a pill to take away loneliness, cure boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create feelings of being loved, relieve stress, and generally solve all personal problems. Nice Guys believe such a drug exists —they call it sex.

Many Nice Guys discovered at an early age that sexual arousal was a good distraction from the isolation, turmoil, unrealistic demands, and abandonment experiences of their childhood. Unfortunately, when Nice Guys bring their sensual security blanket into adulthood, it prevents them from experiencing intimate and fulfilling sex with another individual.

I have found Nice Guys to be prone to hidden, compulsive sexual behavior. I have developed a theory that states, the nicer the guy, the darker the sexual secrets. I find this to be consistently true. Sex is a basic human drive. Because most Nice Guys believe they are bad for being sexual, or believe that other people will think they are bad, sexual impulses have to be kept hidden from view. The Nice Guy’s sexuality doesn’t go away, it just goes underground. Therefore, the more dependent a man is on external approval, the deeper he is going to have to hide his sexual behavior.

Lyle, a computer programmer in his mid-forties, provides a poignant example of this connection.

Everybody liked Lyle. He was one of those guys who didn’t seem to have any rough edges. A devout Christian, Lyle taught Sunday school and was always willing to help anyone in need.

Lyle’s life seemed perfect. There was only one hitch —he was secretly addicted to pornography.

Growing up in an Evangelical Christian home, he first discovered this drug when he was nine. A loner as a child, Lyle would spend hours in his tree fort looking at pictures of naked women. With his pornography, he never felt alone.

Fifteen years into his marriage, Lyle’s habit remained a well-kept secret. Over the years his compulsive behavior expanded to renting adult videos, visiting peep shows and strip bars, and calling 900 numbers.

Most recently, his obsession had found flight in cyberspace. Frequenting sex chat rooms he carried on a number of sexual relationships with faceless surfers on the Internet.

Periodically during their marriage, Lyle’s wife would confront him over their lackluster sex life. She would protest that it just wasn’t normal to go months without having sex. Lyle would validate her feelings and assert that he too would like more sex. He would then fall back on the excuse that he was usually too tired from work and too stressed with the demands of family life.

Many times throughout his life, Lyle promised himself he would quit visiting his secret sexual world.

Time and time again he would throw out his stash of magazines or swear off the videos and chat rooms.

He would breathe a sigh of relief, only to find himself back at it again weeks or months later.

Lyle, like numerous Nice Guys, invested so much time and energy in his hidden, compulsive sexual behavior that there was little left for a real, person-to-person sexual relationship.

Repressing Their Life Energy Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

When a boy reaches adolescence, he must begin negotiating the turbulent seas of learning to relate to the opposite sex. If he is to have any hope of securing a girlfriend and someday having sex, he must figure out what it takes to get a female to notice him and approve of him. For some boys this process seems to come fairly easily. If they happen to be good-looking, a star athlete, or from an affluent family, attracting females may not be overly difficult for them.

Once you exclude the minority of adolescent males listed above, that leaves the majority of teenage boys who have no clue of what it will take to get a girl to like them. It is at this point that many young men decide that maybe by being «nice,» they will stand out from the other guys and might gain the approval of some member of the opposite sex. This decision is especially important if the young man has already been conditioned to believe that he is not OK just as he is.

It is this strategy formed in adolescence —trying to attract a woman and her sexual favor by being nice —that many Nice Guys carry into adulthood. It is not uncommon for Nice Guys to believe that a woman would be lucky to have them while simultaneously wondering why any woman would want them. Because they can’t think of any other reason why a woman would be attracted to them or want to have sex with them, Nice Guys hang on to their strategy of «being nice» even when it consistently proves ineffective in getting them the sex they want.

Ironically, trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to «do it right,» the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him. This is why I frequently hear Nice Guys lament about women not being attracted to them. The problem is, once they have repressed all of their life energy, there is little about them to get anyone’s attention or turn them on.

Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a Nice Guy’s pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him. Often the partner feels defective, but it is really not her fault. There is just very little about the Nice Guy persona to flip a switch or arouse a prospective partner. Once again, by doing the opposite of what works, Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting the sex they want.

Settling For Bad Sex Prevents Nice Guys From Getting The Sex They Want

The wife of a Nice Guy in her late twenties shared with me how her partner would «pester» her for sex.

When she would say «no» he would pout and withdraw. When she did consent to being sexual he would focus on her arousal while she did little to reciprocate. With pithy awareness she revealed, «I could tell him it would really turn me on if he set himself on fire. He would gladly do it and think he was getting good sex because it made me happy.»

By settling for bad sex, Nice Guys insure that they won’t get to experience very much good sex. Aaron provides a good example of a pretty common way Nice Guys create bad sex. Let’s visit his bedroom and observe a typical sexual scenario between him and his wife Hannah.

Aaron and Hannah haven’t had sex in several weeks, a common occurrence in their relationship.

Tonight, Aaron is feeling sexual, but instead of telling Hannah that he wants to make love, he goes into a pattern of indirectly trying to arouse her.

Even though Hannah has let Aaron know on several occasions she resents his «pestering,» he moves up behind her in bed and begins to rub her back. As he massages her shoulders he momentarily tunes out his resentment over her sexual unavailability. As he slowly moves his hands down to rub her buttocks, he also tunes out that her body is totally unreceptive to his touch. He hopes that by moving slowly and not alarming her by being too overtly sexual, she will get in the mood. This approach has occasionally worked in the past.

By the time he lightly strokes one of her breasts, Aaron is totally unaware of anything going on inside of his own body. By now, he is focused on Hannah’s arousal and trying to anticipate how to stimulate her just enough to get her in the mood without doing too much to make her angry.

Finally, because she hasn’t rebuffed his advances, he rolls her over and for the next twenty minutes focuses all of his attention on her arousal until she has an orgasm. Since he is disconnected from his own physical arousal, he has a difficult time climaxing himself. To help himself along, he fantasizes about the young secretary at work. When he finally has an orgasm, he immediately shifts his focus back to his wife to check in on her emotional state. Later, as he rolls over and goes to sleep, Aaron feels empty and resentful.

Breaking Free Activity #36

How’s your love life? Are you ready to start getting good sex? If so, read on.

Getting Good Sex

The rest of this chapter presents a strategy for helping recovering Nice Guys experience satisfying sex.

The process includes:

• Coming out of the closet.
• Taking matters into their own hands.
• Saying «no» to bad sex.
• Following the example of the bull moose.

Coming Out Of The Closet Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life. A man can read all the books he wants on «How To Pick Up Women» or watch all the instructional videos on improving sexual technique. None of these things will help him get good sex as long as he has shame and fear about being sexual or being a sexual being. Getting good sex is dependent on recovering Nice Guys bringing their shame and fear out of the closet and into the open were they can be looked at and released. This step cannot be skipped!

Cleaning out sexual shame requires accepting, non-judgmental people. A Nice Guy cannot do this work on his own. To release sexual shame and fear, the recovering Nice Guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self to safe, supportive people. This revealing allows the Nice Guy to release his shame and fear and free up the emotional energy it took to keep them hidden and repressed. These safe people can also give the Nice Guy supportive messages that he is not bad for being a sexual being.

Breaking Free: Pop Quiz

Most Nice Guys initially deny having any shame and fear about sex. Take the following quiz to see if you are in denial about your own sexual shame and fear.

1. Think back to your first sexual experience. Was it:

A. A joyous experience which you could share with family and friends?

B. Hidden, rushed, guilt-ridden, or in a less than ideal situation?

C. Painful, abusive, or frightening?

2. When it comes to masturbation:

A. Do you and your partner talk openly and comfortably about the subject?

B. Would there be a crisis if your partner «caught» you doing it?

C. Do you do it compulsively or in secret?

3. When it comes to your sexual experiences, thoughts, or impulses:

A. You are comfortable revealing everything about yourself to your partner.

B. You have secrets that you have never shared with anyone.

C. Some aspect of your sexuality has caused a crisis in an intimate relationship.

D. At some time in your life you have tried to eliminate or limit some problematic sexual behavior.

If you answered anything but «A» on any of the questions, you have sexual shame and fear. Read on.

Lyle, introduced earlier in the chapter, is a good example of how recovering Nice Guys can bring their sexual shame and fear out of the closet. Lyle was a good Christian, husband, and father who struggled with compulsive sexual behavior. Everything came crashing down for Lyle when his wife found a phone bill and called some of the strange numbers. She was bewildered and devastated. Never in her wildest dreams (or nightmares) did she think that Lyle might be involved in anything like pornography or phone sex. Little did she know she had just discovered the tip of the iceberg. Confronted with the evidence, Lyle initially feigned surprise and denied any knowledge of its origin. Finally, he broke down and told all. Well, almost all. It took several more weeks, several more emotional confrontations, and a call to me before everything came out.

After a couple of sessions of individual therapy, I suggested that Lyle start attending a 12-step group for sexual addicts. This idea initially terrified Lyle, but he knew he would have to do something radically different if he wanted to free himself of his compulsion and experience true sexual intimacy. To his surprise, revealing his long-kept secrets in the presence of other recovering sex addicts wasn’t as difficult as he feared. In time, he began to look forward to the opportunity to talk about himself with safe people.

Every time he revealed some secret thought or act, he felt a sense of relief, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

As Lyle revealed his fear and shame to safe people, he found that he was less interested in his hidden, compulsive behaviors. As he and his wife became more open and intimate with each other, he also began to enjoy a physical closeness with her that he had once tried to avoid. When Lyle came out of the closet, he began to heal a lifetime of hidden sexual behavior.

In my No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups I encourage recovering Nice Guys to bring their sexual shame out of the closet. I support them in talking explicitly about their sexuality. In our culture, most sex talk is done in pornographic, demeaning, moralizing, shaming, clinical, or joking ways. I invite recovering Nice Guys to reveal the ways they act out. I have them talk about their sexual history and early sexual experiences. I ask them to bring samples of pornography they find arousing. This is another way of releasing shame while also gaining important information.

Throughout the entire process of revealing themselves, I encourage recovering Nice Guys to experience whatever they may be feeling —shame, guilt, fear, arousal. At the same time, I give them supportive messages that what they are feeling is OK. There are so many negative messages in our society about male sexuality, it is difficult for Nice Guys to overcome their conditioning without this kind of encouragement and support.

Breaking Free Activity #37

Find a safe place to talk about the following issues:

Your sexual history : Earliest sexual memory, childhood experiences, sexual violation and trauma, sexual issues in your family, first sexual experience, adult sexual history.

Ways in which you have acted out sexually: Affairs, prostitution, peep shows, 900 numbers, use of pornography, exhibitionism, fetishes, etc.

Your dark side : Those things that even you have a hard time looking at in yourself —fantasies, rage, offending behavior.

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

I regularly tell Nice Guys, «No one was put into this world to meet your needs but you.» This is especially true with sex. When recovering Nice Guys decide to take responsibility for their own needs and take matters into their own hands, they put themselves in a position to get the quantity and quality of sex they want. Let me explain.

All significant behavior patterns are the sum of many, much smaller behavior patterns. The most effective way to change a behavior is to change its smallest elements. For example, if a Nice Guys is not getting as much sex as he wants or isn’t getting the kind of sex he wants, the only way to change this behavior pattern is to change its smallest components. Rather than going out and trying to have more sex, it is more effective to change the little things that create the overall pattern of not getting much sex.

Change the little things, and the big picture changes as a result.

Before Nice Guys can have exciting, passionate, and fulfilling sexual experiences with other people, they must learn how to have the same with themselves. By taking matters into their own hands —by practicing healthy masturbation— recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex.

Consider the logic:

• Until a Nice Guy can be sexual with himself without shame, he won’t be able to be sexual with another person without shame.
• Until a Nice Guy is comfortable giving pleasure to himself, he won’t be able to receive pleasure from someone else.
• Until a Nice Guy can take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when he is by himself, he won’t be able to take responsibility for his own arousal and pleasure when is with someone else.
• Until a Nice Guy can be sexual with himself without using pornography or fantasy to distract himself, he won’t be able to have sex with someone else without needing similar things to distract him.

Nice Guys can begin to change these dynamics by practicing what I call healthy masturbation. Healthy masturbation is a process of letting sexual energy unfold. It has no goal or destination. It’s not just about orgasms. It does not require outside stimulation from pornography and doesn’t use trances or fantasy to stay distracted from shame and fear. It is about learning to pay attention to what feels good. Most of all, it is about accepting sole responsibility for one’s sexual pleasure and expression.

Many Nice Guys are initially uncomfortable with the discussion of healthy masturbation. The concept seems like an oxymoron. In general, Nice Guys have tremendous internalized shame around masturbation. They also frequently surround themselves with people who reinforce this shame (partner, religion, etc.). Many Nice Guys also struggle with compulsive masturbation. They fear that attempting any kind of self-gratification might open up Pandora’s Box.

I have found that when recovering Nice Guys work on learning how to pleasure themselves without using fantasy or pornography there is no way for their behavior to become compulsive. I have also found that when they share the experience with other non-judgmental men, their shame diminishes rapidly.

A Note About Pornography.

I am not opposed to pornography legally or morally, but I think it is bad for men for several reasons:

• Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of what people should like and what sex should be like.
• Pornography addicts men to bodies and body parts.
• Pornography can easily become a substitute for a real sexual relationship.
• Pornography creates a trance in which men can be sexual while staying distracted from their shame and fear.
• Pornography compounds shame because it is usually hidden and used in secret.

I tell Nice Guys, if you are going to use pornography, do it openly. Doing so tends to break the trance and takes the buzz out of it.

A Note About Fantasy

Fantasy is a form of dissociation —the process of separating one’s body from one’s mind. When a person fantasizes while being sexual he is purposefully and actively leaving his body. While some sex therapists advocate fantasy as a way of improving a sex life, it is actually the best way I know to kill it. Fantasizing during sex makes about as much sense as thinking about a Big Mac while eating a gourmet meal. About the only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from his shame and fear or cover up the fact that he is having bad sex.

Healthy masturbation helps the recovering Nice Guy change the core dynamics that prevent him from getting good sex. Healthy masturbation:

• Helps remove the shame and fear of being sexual.
• Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own sexual needs.
• Removes dependency on unavailable partners or pornography.
• Helps the Nice Guy learn to please the person that matters most —himself.
• Gives the Nice Guy permission to have as much good sex as he wants.
• Puts the Nice Guy in charge of his own pleasure.

Changing these dynamics through healthy masturbation enhances and intensifies the experience of making love with another person. Terrance provides a good example.

Terrance originally came to therapy looking for a quick fix to his «problem» so his fiancée would not break up with him. In the first several sessions, I focused on the subject of him making his needs a priority. As with most Nice Guys, this initially made him uncomfortable (to put it mildly). Terrance was terrified that if he wasn’t a great lover and didn’t keep his girlfriend happy, she would leave him like his ex-wife did.

I began by encouraging Terrance to do a few non-sexual things just for himself. I reassured him regularly that this would make him more attractive to his fiancée, not less. As he began to discover that making his needs a priority didn’t drive his girlfriend away, we took it to the next step. I talked with Terrance about healthy masturbation. I encouraged him to find a time when he would be undisturbed in which he could focus on his own pleasure and arousal. I suggested that he do this without having a goal of climaxing and without using fantasy or pornography. I encouraged him to pay attention to what felt good to him and to observe the ways he unconsciously tried to distract himself from his shame and fear.

It took a few weeks for Terrance to carry out the assignment. The first time he tried it he reported not feeling «much of anything.» I encouraged him to continue the assignment at least once a week. After a few weeks he reported that he was actually beginning to enjoy pleasuring himself but felt some shame and fear that his fiancée would be mad at him.

I invited Terrance to bring his fiancée to therapy to work on shifting their sexual patterns. We talked about Terrance taking his focus off her arousal and orgasms and beginning to focus more on himself.

His girlfriend actually expressed relief. She revealed that it felt like a burden when Terrance expected her to have multiple orgasms. Instead of telling him this in the past, she had just faked it.

As they communicated about their experience of making love, the patterns began to shift. They actually began spending more time talking with each other about what they liked and didn’t like while they were having sex. Even though it was initially difficult, Terrance shared with his fiancée what he had found out about himself from his own healthy masturbation. He was surprised when she expressed interest in pleasuring him and having a reciprocal sexual relationship with him.

After a few months, Terrance and his fiancée got married as planned. Both expressed how relieved they were to discard their old way of doing sex for a more intimate, connecting way.

Breaking Free Activity #38

Set aside a time to practice healthy masturbation. Choose a comfortable place where you will be undisturbed. Practice by looking at yourself and touching yourself without using pornography or fantasy. Pay attention to how it feels to experience your sexuality without any goals or agendas (such as having an orgasm). Also observe any tendency to distract yourself from what you are experiencing (going into fantasy, becoming goal-oriented, having distracting thoughts, loss of physical sensation). Just observe these experiences and use them as information about your shame and fear.

Saying «No» To Bad Sex Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

When it comes to sex, Nice Guys are consummate bottom feeders. They settle for scraps and come back begging for more. Nice Guys settle for distorted images of bodies in pornography. They settle for the faceless sex of 900 numbers and chat rooms. They settle for trying to persuade unavailable people to begrudgingly be sexual with them. They settle for quick, compulsive masturbation. They settle for passionless, mechanical lovemaking. They settle for trances and fantasy. Nice Guys do a lot of settling.

As long as a Nice Guy is willing to settle for bad sex, he limits his opportunities to experience good sex.

I regularly tell Nice Guys, «You have to be willing to let go of what you’ve got to get what you want.»

Good sex can occur only when a recovering Nice Guy decides to stop settling for bad sex!

So what does good sex look like? If we base our answer on what we see in movies or pornography, we will only keep perpetuating a formula for bad sex. Here is how I define «good sex.»

Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy.

It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways.

When recovering Nice Guys decide they will no longer settle for anything less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something different.

• They let go of the concept of being a great lover.
• They practice being clear and direct.
• They choose available partners.
• They don’t settle for scraps.
• They decide that bad sex is not better than no sex!

Aaron is a good example of what can happen when a recovering Nice Guy decides to say «no» to bad sex. For the first few weeks in the No More Mr. Nice Guy! group, Aaron vented his frustrations and shared how helpless he felt to get Hannah to want to have sex with him. It was obvious that Aaron believed his wife held the key to his sexual happiness and that he was angry over her willful refusal to use that key. As a result, he felt «rejected» and «worthless.»

After a few weeks, I suggested that Aaron go on a sexual moratorium in which he refrained from having sex with Hannah for a period of six months. During this time I suggested that he focus on doing things he had given up when he and Hannah got married. I also encouraged him to tell Hannah whatever he was feeling. I shared with him that a sexual moratorium would make it easier for him to do these things because he wouldn’t be so concerned about maintaining the possibility of her availability. If they weren’t having sex, he wouldn’t have to worry about doing something that might make her angry and cause her to withhold sex.

At first, Aaron was bewildered as to how this plan could get Hannah to want to have more sex with him.

I told him the goal was not to get her to have more sex, but for him to reclaim his key and stop feeling like a victim.

Even though he was initially hesitant, he acknowledged that he wasn’t having much sex anyway. With the support of the men in the group, Aaron decided to go home that night and tell his wife what he planned to do.

The next week, Aaron shared with the group what he had told his wife. He reported that she was initially angry, but over the course of the week, had acted more loving toward him than she had in months.

Over the next six months, Aaron shared his experiences with the group. On several occasions he reported doing things for himself that previously would have created tremendous anxiety. He went out with some guy friends he hadn’t seen in a couple of years. He began to share his feelings with his wife.

On more than one occasion, this included telling her when he was angry at her. He even let her know on a couple of occasions when he wasn’t in the mood to listen to her talk about her problems. He also found that he became more honest —revealing things to her that he had previously kept to himself.

Aaron also reported that his wife had made some sexual advances toward him. She revealed to him that since he was not pursuing her, she felt freer to move toward him. She also expressed that she liked being able to have sexual energy with Aaron, without it always having to end up in intercourse.

After six months, Aaron reported feeling less resentful and much closer to his wife. He also discovered how to get his needs met and express his feelings more directly, instead of through sex. Most importantly, when he and Hannah did start having sex again, he felt much more connected to his wife.

Breaking Free Activity #39

Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits:

• Helps break dysfunction cycles.
• Eliminates pursuing and distancing.
• Releases resentment.
• Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex.
• Helps the Nice Guy realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience.
• Helps the Nice Guy see how he settles for bad sex.
• Eliminates fear that the Nice Guy’s partner can withhold sex or approval.
• Helps the Nice Guy pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses. Whenever the Nice Guy feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, «Why am I feeling sexual?»
• Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors.
• Helps the Nice Guy begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex.

Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time.

I suggest three to six months. It can be done.

Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience.

You don’t have to do it perfectly.

Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want

In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.

As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As recovering Nice Guys chart their own path and put themselves first, people respond.

I’ve listened to recovering Nice Guys tell of «selfishly» putting their needs first and then being surprised when a seemingly unavailable partner expresses a desire to be sexual. One client, who hadn’t had sex with his wife in 14 months, shared in a Nice Guy group that he was tired of listening to his wife complain about her work problems. That night, for the first time in 15 years of marriage, he told his wife that he was too tired to listen. Even though she was initially angry, later that night she asked him if he wanted to make love.

A Force Of Nature

The very thing that makes sex so exciting is exactly what makes it so terrifying. Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. It crackles with cosmic energy. It draws us like a moth to a flame. As recovering Nice Guys release their sexual shame and fear, take responsibility for their own pleasure, refuse to settle for bad sex, and practice being just who they are, they put themselves in the position to embrace this cosmic force without fear or reservation. This is when the sex really gets good.