The Cops

(Mike)

Reggae music is blaring. I wake up and groan. I'd been dreaming about fucking Anna Kornikova, I wake up to the same old nightmare. Except different, because she's an imaginative bitch. New Rule #1 – Don't date women who paint. Arty-farty doesn't just equal freaky in the sack, it also equals nasty genius revenge. I don't like genius when it's happening to me.

I shamble out of bed and don't fall over or get slimed or hurt. Huh. I Shot the Sheriff? She's slipping, if Bob Marley's the worst she can do to me. I get to the sound system and turn it way down so I can hear myself think. I hear a loud banging on the front door. Fuck. Some of the neighbours bitching about the noise, I bet. Fine. I paste a shit-eating grin on my face, thread my way through the plant pots to the front door, and open it.

Cops.

Fuck.

They're looking shocked, which scares me a little.

I look down. Fly's unbuttoned, for a start. My dick's waving hello in the breeze.

"God, sorry!" I say, putting him away and straightening myself up. "Rough night. Umm... can I help you?"

One of them tears his eyes away from my pants and looks at my face, trying not to look fascinated by the fact that I'm bright orange still, I guess. My fingernails are still bright pink, so I must look like a freakshow even with my clothes in order.

"We're responding to a noise pollution complaint, sir – may we come in?"

The other guy's still looking shell-shocked, but he's staring at my lounge room. I motion them in, and turn to look at whatever's got the bastard enthralled.

IT WAS NO ACCIDENT!

is written all over the walls The-Shining-style in red paint. Fuck.

At least the plants are hiding some of it.

Wait – plants in my lounge room?

A few dozen mature cannabis plants. In pots. Oh, FUCK.

****

The cops booked me, of course. Best thing to happen to them all month, I'd say, since it's generally the cops in disgrace who pull 'noise pollution' duty. So we went down to the station and I docilely gave my details to a fat balding cop who looked like he hadn't stirred from behind his desk for a few years. But I stayed polite and obedient, even when Linda appeared behind the fat guy and stuck her tongue out at me. Even though I desperately wanted to be childish too and stick my tongue out at her. That's about the only revenge I can get on the stupid bitch right now.