GINGER

THE THING I’M most ashamed of as I stand in Mother’s remodeled lighthouse monument to Trey (with all its focus on this watch room: not a damned speck of dust, not a thing out of place) is that I didn’t believe Laney. When Betts and Mia and I found her curled up in the top bunk in the waitstaff’s bedroom, pretending sleep, what I remember feeling was relief that she wasn’t still with Trey. And then disbelief.

The eight of us had been playing Risk in the Lightkeeper’s Cottage. Beau was the first to be eliminated, followed shortly by Mia, and then Trey and Laney. They’d all gone off to look at the stars through the telescope while the rest of us finished the game. But when Mia and Beau came back without Trey and Laney, I’d imagined the two of them out in a skiff together, on Hunters’ Gut or Little Thoroughfare or Fog’s Ghost Cove.

I was the one who first said the word “rape,” so I must have known it was true. When she broke down and told us the awful details, though—the lighthouse and the telescope and Trey—I shut down as quickly as she had. I couldn’t believe it, so I simply chose not to. Chose instead to feel anger at Laney, fury at her for doing what I was afraid to do. I knew Trey. I knew he liked it rough sometimes, that he turned to the island girls when he wanted it rough.

I try to attend to what Betts is saying about Mia and the blogger, but the memory of Trey in this watch room is overwhelming. Trey, the first man I ever slept with, the only one I slept with for years. I had this idea that the fact of that meant we were supposed to be together, that if I was patient he would come around, too, and his doing so would prove I wasn’t a slut as surely as it would prove the island girls he slept with were. Prove to whom, I can’t say, because no one ever knew Trey and I slept together until I told the Ms. Bradwells. And the saddest thing about that confession is that I was offering it as proof that Trey couldn’t have raped Laney. “Trey and I are lovers. Trey loves me,” I’d insisted. “Why would he want Laney when he has me?”

Have you listened for the things I have left out?

I thought I was so grown up because a grown-up loved me; I thought having sex was the same thing as love, or would be. Trey, who was admitted to Harvard at sixteen, who was editor in chief of the Law Review at twenty-one. The one Mother set up as the example for us all, and Daddy loved him, too. Trey, who was the best shot on the island, the only one of the boys who could knock down a bird with more certainty than I could. Whose final view as he bled to death was these windows and the sea and the syzygy.

Syzygy. In poetry, two metrical feet combined into a single unit. I thought that’s what Trey and I were.

“Statutory rape,” Mia had said the night I told them about Trey and me, but I was so sure Trey hadn’t raped anyone, not Laney and certainly not me. It wasn’t until I was a mother myself—until Annie was thirteen or nearly so and I saw how very young a thirteen-year-old girl is—that I understood that a twenty-year-old man had no business seducing his thirteen-year-old cousin. What voyage this, little girl? Trey’s attention had made me feel special. I thought that Laney was jealous of that, I thought she’d been jealous since the moment Trey stepped into the Captain’s Library. I thought if she’d had sex with him (which maybe she had but I thought it just as likely that she was making it all up), she had wanted him.

Laney, who was the closest friend I ever had or ever will. It’s a sign of how close we all were that she even told us; most rape victims never tell a soul, even today.

That following night when I’d curled up in bed next to her, Mia and Betts thought I was comforting Laney, and I let them think that. I let everyone think I was a good friend when I was no friend at all, when I was scared shitless and seeking comfort from Laney, not giving her anything.

I have always been such an ignorant fool when it comes to men. First Trey, and then L. Gordon Hayes, who I fell for in my junior year at Virginia. He was like Trey, but younger and better looking, and he pursued me until, finally, I slept with him after the Kappa formal. He took my roommate out the next night and slept with her, which would have been humiliating enough if he weren’t a fraternity brother of Beau’s, and Beau in D.C., too far away to reach L. Gordon Hayes’s handsome but imminently breakable jaw. I escaped with my humiliation to New York, where I met Scratch, and I got drunk with him, and woke the next morning in his bed, suddenly counting three lovers where just days before there had been only Trey. When Scratch headed to South Africa for a playwriting fellowship in Cape Town the next week, I went with him. And when that ended badly, I came home and finished at Georgetown, graduated early, went off to law school bound and determined to make an even bigger fool of myself. I thought I’d be like Trey and Frankie, taking lovers and casting them off at my own whim. But it didn’t make me feel quite the way I’d thought it would.

The truth is I wasn’t even that wild about my husband, Ted, at first. I worked with him, and I’d determined not to sleep with anyone at work that summer, not meaning to blow my chance for an offer at Caruthers by tumbling into bed with the wrong guy. But we’d drunk too much together on a summer clerk sailing outing, one of the ones Betts worked through, already gunning for the Supreme Court when even the firm wanted her to be having fun. And somehow Ted and I ended up necking in a dark corner of a dark club afterward. He suggested screwing right there, but I was not so drunk as to have sex within a few (albeit dark) paces of our fellow office mates. Not smart enough to say no later that night, though; I let him come up for a drink after he walked me home. I’d slept with so many guys by then, anyway.

But Ted married me. He’s stayed with me all these years. Maybe he’s taken other lovers along the way and maybe he hasn’t, I don’t know and I’m not sure I want to. I haven’t, that’s the thing. I still want men to want me even when I don’t want them. Even Max. But in all the years I’ve been married, I’ve never slept with anyone else. And the truth? It’s a relief.

“Ginger?” Betts is saying, calling me back to the refinished table and chair, the clean windows, the bay. I try to think what she wants of me, but I can’t shake the memory of Trey with his guts blown out. His eyes closed, but behind the lids the unblinking stare I’d gotten when I’d asked him in the Triangle Blind that morning if he’d fucked Laney.

“Did you fuck Laney in the lighthouse last night?” I’d demanded, feeling even more humiliated than I had sitting in that theater in South Africa, wanting him to deny it even if he had.

For years, I used to wake from the nightmare memory of Trey’s blood pooled on the floor here. Blood blooms, spreads / its wide foliage in my chest. All that blood meant he’d died slowly, that the shot hadn’t killed him immediately; he’d bled to death, and the dead don’t bleed. I know it should bother me that Trey died slowly. The way it used to bother me when I had to break the neck of a bird I’d shot to put it out of its misery. But even after all these years, it doesn’t. If there’s a hell, I’ll probably burn in it for the satisfaction I’ve taken from believing Trey knew he was dying before he was dead.