9

Promptly at 7:30 P.M., Zan was at the desk of the Four Seasons Restaurant. She had only to scan the Grill Room to see that Ted was already there, as she had expected he would be. Seven years ago, when they began to date, he had told her that always being early for an appointment was good business. “If it’s a client situation, I’m sending a message that I value their time. If it’s someone looking for something from me, that person is already nervous and it puts them at a disadvantage. Even if they’re on time, they feel as if they’re late.”

“What would someone want from you?” she had asked him.

“Oh, the manager of a would-be actor or singer who wants me to handle his client. That kind of thing.”

“Ms. Moreland, nice to see you again. Mr. Carpenter is waiting.” The maître d’ led her across the room to the table for two that Ted always booked.

Ted was on his feet when she reached the table. He leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Zan.” His voice was husky. When they sat down, his shoulder brushed against hers. “How bad a day have you been having?” he asked.

She had decided not to say a word about the charges on her credit cards. She knew that if Ted learned about them he would want to help, and she did not want to initiate anything that would keep them in contact, except of course if it involved Matthew. “Pretty bad,” she said quietly.

Ted’s hand closed over hers. “I will not give up hope that someday the phone will ring and it will be good news.”

“I make myself believe that, but then I think that by now Matthew has probably forgotten me. He was only three years and three months old when he disappeared. I’ve lost nearly two years of his life.” She stopped. “I mean we’ve lost nearly two years,” she added carefully.

She saw the flash of anger in Ted’s eyes and was sure she knew what he was thinking. The babysitter. He would never forgive her for the careless babysitter she had hired because she had an appointment with a client. When would it come up? After he had had a couple of drinks?

There was a bottle of her favorite red wine by the table. At Ted’s nod, the waiter began to pour it. When Ted picked up his glass, he said, “To our little boy.”

“Don’t,” Zan whispered. “Ted, I can’t talk about him. I simply can’t. We both know what we are feeling today.”

Ted took a long sip from his glass without answering. As Zan studied him, she thought for the second time that day that Matthew would grow up to look like him, with those wide-spaced brown eyes and even features. By any standards, Ted was a handsome man. Then she forced herself to realize that just as badly as she did not want to talk about Matthew, Ted needed to share some memories of him. But why here? she asked herself bitterly. I’d have cooked dinner for him at my apartment.

No, I wouldn’t, she corrected herself. But we could have gone to some small, out-of-the-way place, where you don’t get the feeling that the other diners may be people-watching. How many of them in this room might have seen the articles in those magazines today?

She knew she had to allow Ted to talk about Matthew. “This morning I was thinking how when he grows up, he’s going to look just like you,” she said tentatively.

“I agree. I remember one day, only a few months before he disappeared, I picked him up from you and took him for lunch. He wanted to walk and I had his hand going down Fifth Avenue. He was so darn cute that people were looking at him and smiling. I ran into one of my old clients and he joked, ‘You’ll never be able to deny that child.’ “

“I don’t think you’d ever have denied him.” Zan tried to smile.

As if he realized what an effort she was making, Ted changed the subject. “How’s the design business going? I read somewhere that you were bidding to decorate those model apartments in the Kevin Wilson building.”

It was safe ground. “I honestly think it went well.” Because she thought Ted was genuinely interested and because she absolutely had to steer the conversation away from Matthew, Zan described the designs she had suggested and said she felt she had a good shot at getting the job. “Of course, Bartley Longe is in there pitching, and from a chance remark Kevin Wilson made, I guess he’s been bad-mouthing me again.”

“Zan, that man is dangerous. I’ve always felt that about him. He was jealous of me when we started going out together. It isn’t just that he’s a business rival now. He didn’t want to let you out of his sight then, and I would bet anything he’s still crazy about you.”

“Ted, he’s twenty years older than I am. He’s been divorced and has had numerous affairs. He’s got a nasty temper. If he has any feelings about me, it has to do with the fact that I didn’t feel flattered by his attention when he decided to try to hit on me. The great regret of my life is that I kept allowing him to bully me when something in my very soul was telling me to fly to Rome and visit Mom and Dad.”

She remembered it all: Arriving at Da Vinci Airport. Looking for their faces when she came through security. The letdown. Then the worry. Then collecting her bags and waiting uncertainly in the terminal. Then the call on her international cell phone. The Italian authorities telling her about the accident that had killed them.

The hustle and bustle of Rome at the airport in the early morning. Zan could see herself, standing with the phone frozen at her ear, her mouth shaped into a silent scream. “And then I called you,” she told Ted.

“I’m glad you did. When I got to Rome you were absolutely out of it.”

I was out of it for months, Zan thought. Ted took me in like some kind of stray. That’s how good he is. There were plenty of women who would have loved to marry him. “And you married me to take care of me, and I rewarded you by allowing an inexperienced babysitter to lose your son.” Zan could not believe she had said those words.

“Zan, I know I said that the day Matthew disappeared. Can’t you ever understand that I was distraught?”

Around and around we go and where we stop nobody knows, she thought. “Ted, no matter what you say I still blame myself. Maybe none of those private detective agencies I hired did us any good …”

“They were a waste of money, Zan. The FBI has the case open and so does the NYPD. You fell for every charlatan who claimed they could find Matthew. Even that weird psychic who had us riding down Alligator Alley in Florida.”

“I don’t think anything that might help us find Matthew is ever a waste of money. I don’t care if I have to consult every private agency in the phone book. Maybe I’ll eventually find the one person who can follow Matthew’s trail. You asked me about this model apartment job. If I get it, it will open a lot of doors. I’ll be making more money, and every cent I make over my living expenses will be spent trying to find Matthew. Somebody must have seen something. I still believe that.”

She knew she was trembling. The maître d’ was standing near them. She realized her voice had been raised and he was discreetly trying to pretend that he had not overheard her.

“Ready for the specials?” he asked now.

“Yes, we are,” Ted said heartily. Then he whispered, “For God’s sake, Zan, try to keep it down. Why do you keep torturing yourself?” A surprised look came over his face and she turned.

Josh was hurrying across the room. His face ashen, he stopped at their table. “Zan, I was just leaving the office when some reporters with cameras from Tell-All Weekly came in looking for you. I said I didn’t know where you were. Then they told me some guy from England who was in the park the day Matthew disappeared just had some photos he took that day enlarged for his parents’ wedding anniversary. The reporter told me this guy realized that in the background of a couple of those enlarged photos you can see a woman lifting a child out of a stroller that was parked beside a woman asleep on a blanket …”

“Oh, dear God,” Ted cried. “How much can they tell from them?”

“When they blew them up even more, other background details were clear. The boy’s face isn’t visible, but he’s wearing a matching blue plaid shirt and shorts.”

Zan and Ted stared at Josh. Through lips almost too dry to form words, Zan said, “That’s what Matthew was wearing. Did that man bring the photos to the police?”

“No. He sold them to that rag Tell-All. Zan, this is crazy, but they swear that you’re the woman who’s picking up the child. They say there’s no mistaking that it’s you.”

As the sophisticated diners in the Four Seasons Grill Room turned their heads to find the source of the sudden outburst, Ted grabbed Zan by the shoulders and pulled her to her feet. “Damn you! Damn you, you self-pitying lunatic,” he shouted. “Where is my son? What did you do to him?”