Julia gazed at the throngs of people jamming the sidewalks on both sides of Pennsylvania Avenue. The flag-waving crowd stretched for miles in both directions. “I’ve never seen this many people in my life!” she told her father. One hundred and fifty thousand soldiers with military bands and cavalry units paraded up the avenue for the Grand Review. Julia had traveled to Washington with her parents to attend the victory parade of the Grand Armies of the Republic as guests of Congressman Rhodes. They had seats close to the reviewing stand where General Grant and President Andrew Johnson surveyed the troops, along with the secretary of war and Generals Sherman and Meade.
Bands played “The Star-Spangled Banner” and “Hail Columbia” as they marched past. The flag of the newly restored Union flew at full mast again for the first time since President Lincoln had died. Regiments proudly displayed their own flags, bearing the names of the battles in which they’d fought. Tears came to Julia’s eyes as she read the familiar names, recalling the places where she, too, had served. There was Antietam, where James had brought Phoebe to her tent. Fredericksburg, where she and James had kissed. Gettysburg, where she had nursed James back onto his feet. And Petersburg, where her career as a nurse had ended and she’d seen James for the last time. All of those battlefields seemed to evoke memories of him and the work they’d done together—but none was as overpowering as her memory of the night the sky had blazed in Fredericksburg.
Julia shook herself to clear her thoughts. She was here to see Nathaniel. She gazed up the street toward the Capitol, where the parade had begun and saw that the new dome, which had been under construction when she’d lived in Washington, was finally finished. A bronze Statue of Freedom was now perched on top, the ugly scaffolding removed. The procession of troops would take two full days to pass, but Julia was only interested in watching on the first day. That was when the Grand Army of the Potomac—Nathaniel’s army—would parade past. She searched for him as row after row of men marched by, but the soldiers all looked alike beneath their blue forage caps. She saw his regimental flag but couldn’t find him among the many hundreds of men.
Late in the afternoon, she returned to the congressman’s house to wait for Nathaniel. Julia hadn’t seen him since leaving City Point with Phoebe ten months ago, and she paced the hallway, watching for his carriage. As soon as he stepped through the front door, she rushed toward him, eager to hold him in her arms. But Nathaniel reached to take her hands instead. “Julia! How wonderful to see you!” he said. He kissed her cheek.
She felt cheated, even though she knew how reluctant Nathaniel had always been to show his affection in front of other people. “I’ve missed you so much,” she said.
“Yes,” he murmured, then he turned his attention to their host and Julia’s father, who were also waiting to greet him. She had to be content to sit near Nathaniel and gaze silently at him for most of the evening as he shared his experiences as an army chaplain with the rest of the guests. At least his handsome face and shining golden hair were pleasant to gaze at.
During dinner her mind spun back to the first time she had ever seen Nathaniel. He’d been fresh out of seminary, arriving in Philadelphia when she was only fifteen to preach in her home church. He’d turned the congregation upside down with his blunt, passionate preaching, and Julia had fallen in love with the handsome, dynamic man at first sight. She hadn’t thought of another man since—except James, a nagging voice reminded her.
Julia remembered how she used to hug her pillow in bed at night, pretending it was Nathaniel. And she smiled to herself when she recalled all the abolition meetings she’d attended with him in her efforts to win his affection. But all of his passion during those years had been directed toward the cause of abolition, not her.
“What will you do now, Nathaniel?”
Julia didn’t realize that she had spoken the question out loud until the dinner conversation suddenly stopped. Everyone stared at her.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I was just thinking about all the energy you used to pour into trying to abolish slavery—and now the slaves are free. You’ve won. I wondered which cause would replace that one in your life.”
“Whichever cause the Lord gives me,” he said. “My mission in life hasn’t changed. It has always been, as the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy, to show myself ‘approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed.”’
“Is that why you’ve worked so hard? To win God’s approval?”
“Yes, of course. Each one of us will be asked to give an account of our lives on Judgment Day, and I would certainly hate to be found lacking.”
“But what about those of us who don’t work?” Julia asked. “And what about the thousands of helpless, crippled soldiers who may never live productive lives again? I thought God’s love was unconditional. I thought we were accepted as His children because of what Christ has done, not because of what we do.”
For the briefest of moments, Nathaniel’s eyes sparked with anger. She couldn’t imagine why. Then he hid his displeasure behind an indulgent smile and patronizing tone. “Julia, this is hardly the place or the occasion for a theological discussion of grace and good works.” He was covering his anger well, but she saw it there just the same, simmering beneath the smooth surface of his words. “Besides, you’re changing the subject, dear. Congressman Rhodes and Judge Hoffman were discussing the trials of the assassination conspirators.”
Julia leaned back in her seat again. The conversation returned to Lincoln’s assassination. As she puzzled over the reason for Nathaniel’s anger, she realized how little she really knew about him. The love she’d felt for him all these years had been based on his handsome appearance and dynamic preaching, and she barely knew the private man beneath the public surface. She had wanted to be loved for who she really was, not because she was pretty—yet she had done the same thing, pursuing Nathaniel for what she’d seen on the outside. She didn’t know him at all.
A wave of panic rocked through her. It felt much too overwhelming to be the usual “bride’s jitters.” She suddenly pushed her chair back and stood.
“Julia? What’s wrong?” her father asked.
“It’s very warm in here,” she said. “I’m going outside for some air.”
She made her way through the rooms to the front door and rushed outside to stand on the steps. The night was warm and clear, with millions of stars shining in the sky. But her feelings of panic had followed her outside. So had Nathaniel.
“I’m sorry if I said something to hurt your feelings,” he said. “I didn’t mean to sound abrupt.”
“Why did you fall in love with me?” she asked. “How …when did you know that you wanted to marry me?”
“I knew the moment I saw you working on that hospital ship. The conditions were horrifying, yet you were so compassionate and giving, so willing to sacrifice for the sake of others. A minister’s wife must have all of those qualities. And I knew you were the wife I’d been searching for.”
Julia wouldn’t look at him. She wanted to hear what he had to say without being swayed by his good looks and charm. “Should I be the woman you want me to be or the woman God wants me to be?”
“They are the same thing, Julia. God gave you to me to be my helpmate, to support me and my ministry.”
“What about my own work? Will I have something else to do besides helping you?”
“Of course. There are numerous charitable causes and mission projects for you to become involved with. The Christian Commis-sion’s most successful fund-raisers were the ones you organized. Your upbringing trained you to be exactly what I need in a wife. You’re comfortable moving in all the right social circles, you understand church politics—”
“I meant my nursing work. I’ve been trained for that, too.”
He exhaled. She could tell that he was making an effort to be patient with her. “I think it was very clear after what happened at City Point that you’re finished with nursing. Besides, now that the war is over, nurses are no longer needed.”
“I miss it,” she said softly. “It was hard work, and I never would have believed I could do all those things, but part of me still misses it. I felt as though I was useful to God. I could show His love and compassion to people, like those men on that hospital ship.”
“I understand. There are things I will always miss about my work as a chaplain, too. But life brings change, Julia. It’s time for us to move on to new challenges.”
They were both silent for a time. Julia was still reluctant to look up at him.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” he finally asked. “Are you going back to watch more of the parade?”
“No. I want to go to Fairfield Hospital and see my friend Phoebe. She wrote and told me that she’s working there again. But she said the hospital is scheduled to close as soon as the last soldiers are well enough to go home.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said quickly. How could she confess all her doubts to Phoebe or talk about all the changes in their lives now that the war was over if Nathaniel was there? “It would be very boring for you, listening to two old friends talk. I know how to get around Washington on my own.”
“I want to take you,” he insisted. “I don’t mind waiting while you visit.”
Julia knew better than to argue with him. She looked up at him at last, trying to read his thoughts. He smiled at her, his expression tender and loving. They were alone outside and the May evening was warm, but he made no move to embrace her.
“Why won’t you kiss me?” she asked.
“Right here? Someone might—”
“We’re engaged, Nathaniel. And we’re alone.”
If someone as saintly as Nathaniel could shed his self-control for a moment, perhaps Julia could finally forgive herself for her moment of weakness with James. But Nathaniel shook his head.
“A minister must live above reproach,” he said. He took her arm. “I think we should go back inside.”
The following afternoon, Nathaniel borrowed the congressman’s carriage to drive Julia to Fairfield Hospital. She had resigned herself to having him tag along; she wouldn’t be free to share her heart with Phoebe. But when they pulled up in front of the tumbledown building, he surprised her by saying, “I’ll wait here.”
“Outside? In the carriage? But …but Phoebe and I have a lot to talk about.”
“No need to hurry. Take as long as you’d like. I brought two newspapers to read.” He held them up to show her.
“I think you’re afraid I’ll start taking care of patients again,” she said, only half teasing.
“Would you?” His expression was dead serious. This was the real reason he had come.
Julia reached for the door handle. “I won’t be long.”
She climbed out of the carriage and started up the walk, then halted halfway up the hospital steps with one hand on the rickety railing. She pictured James inside at his desk, sifting through endless piles of papers as he’d been doing on the first day she came to Fairfield Hospital. She also recalled the tender expression on his face the last time she’d seen him in her tent at City Point. He had never finished what he’d come to say. A moment later, Nathaniel had pushed past him to say that he still wanted to marry her. She hadn’t seen James since.
Suddenly Julia knew that it was very wrong to see him now, to stir up feelings inside both of them that they had no business feeling. She glanced back at the carriage. Nathaniel’s face was hidden behind his newspaper. She hurried down the steps again and walked around the building to the rear entrance.
Julia found Phoebe in the downstairs ward just off the kitchen. Her friend had her back turned away from Julia, and she was seated on a chair beside a patient’s bed, coaxing him to eat. The soldier’s face had been burned and horribly disfigured. As Julia watched and listened from a distance, she realized that the man was blind.
“If you don’t eat you’ll die, it’s as simple as that,” Phoebe told him.
“I don’t want to live. I’m no good to my family if I can’t see.”
“Listen, it ain’t up to you when you’re gonna die any more than it was up to you when you was gonna be born. Those things are up to God, and you ain’t Him.”
“God should have let me die,” he said bitterly. “I can’t go home this way.”
“The man I loved was killed,” Phoebe said, her voice turning soft. “I ain’t never gonna see him again in this life. If the only thing that had happened to him was that he’d gone blind, I’d take him that way in a Yankee minute. I’ll bet the people who love you feel the same way. You ought to think about them.”
She set the bowl of food down on the table beside his bed and stood. “I’ll come back a little later, and when I do, I expect you to make up your mind to eat.” She turned around to leave and saw Julia.
“What are you doing here?” she cried as they rushed to embrace each other.
“I came to see you. I’m visiting Washington City with my family.”
“My, it’s good to see you. But why’re you sneaking up on me? Did you come in the back door?”
“Yes …I-I wanted to see if Belle and Loretta still worked here. Their children certainly have grown big, haven’t they?”
“They sure have.” The skeptical look on Phoebe’s face made Julia feel ashamed.
“That’s not the whole truth,” she said quietly. “I promised myself I wouldn’t lie anymore, and I’m already doing it.” She drew a deep breath, then sighed. “I didn’t want to run into Dr. McGrath. Is he working here, too?”
“Yeah, ever since last winter. He decided not to go back and be a field surgeon anymore. He said he never wanted to saw off another leg as long as he lived.”
Julia took Phoebe’s arm. “Let’s go into the kitchen and talk.”
She had to spend a few minutes greeting all the cooks she knew and explaining where she’d been all this time and what she’d been doing. Then she and Phoebe settled down to talk at the small kitchen table. Julia remembered sitting there with Mrs. Fowle and the other matrons on her very first morning at work.
“Why don’t you want to see Dr. McGrath?” Phoebe finally asked. “You know all them rumors about him killing a man? They ain’t true. He told me the whole story when we were at Cold Harbor. That rich man killed himself.”
“I know he isn’t a murderer, Phoebe. I saw how hard he works to save lives—as if he has a personal grudge against death. I don’t believe he’s capable of ending someone’s life.”
“I know he can be mean to people sometimes,” Phoebe said. “I hear him barking at the nurses, and I know he must have barked at you, too. It ain’t right for him to act that way, but I think he’s hurting inside. The folks back where he comes from still think he killed somebody. He told me that the scandal ruined his life. Your preacher friend accused him of being a murderer, too.”
“Nathaniel?”
“Yeah. Someone from Dr. McGrath’s hometown came to see Reverend Greene and told him that the doctor had killed a man. I happened to be there and overheard the whole thing. It must be awful to walk around with everybody thinking terrible things about you.”
Julia looked away, remembering how she and everyone else had falsely accused James of being an alcoholic.
“But there’s more to Dr. McGrath than what everybody sees on the outside,” Phoebe continued. “You know how the doctor comes to work all mussed up sometimes? I found out why. He goes to the shantytown and helps all the sick folks who live there, even though they can’t even pay him for it. I worked all night with him once. He don’t want anybody to know because he takes the medicine and stuff he needs from here.”
Julia wasn’t surprised to discover yet another piece of the puzzle that was James McGrath.
“He really cares about his patients, too,” Phoebe said. “Even when he has to be tough on them in order for them to get better. They can tell how much he cares, and they all love him for it.”
“Phoebe, I know that what you’re saying is true. I saw glimpses of the real man when I worked with him. I don’t know why he pushes people away and builds walls around himself. But I don’t think he’s really like that, deep inside.”
“Then why don’t you want to see him again?”
Julia stared down at the scarred tabletop. “Does he still get letters from his wife every week?”
“Yeah, one came in the mail this morning.”
“That’s why,” Julia said, looking up again. “Because he’s a married man. I have feelings for him that I shouldn’t have. And I think he was starting to feel the same way about me. Otis Whitney accused me of being a flirt and of leading him on, even though I had no intention of doing so. I don’t want to play with fire again. I didn’t mean to do anything to encourage James that way—” She stopped, remembering how she had responded to his kiss. “I-I have to avoid him, Phoebe.”
“You once told me that we can’t help falling in love with someone,” Phoebe said quietly. “Remember?”
“Yes …I know I can’t always control what I feel. But I can control how I act.” Julia reached across the table to squeeze Phoebe’s hand. “Tell me what happened when you went to see Ted’s mother.”
“We grieved together for a good long while. I reckon I needed that. Then I was able to let go. One of the last things Ted told me was to go on living, knowing that each day counts. That’s what I aim to do.”
“What will you do after the hospital closes?”
“Well, first I’m going back home to see if my brothers, Jack and Junior, made it through the war. After that …I don’t know. But I reckon God will show me. What about you? Are you still gonna marry Reverend Greene?”
“Yes. He’s waiting outside in the carriage, in fact.”
“Why’s he waiting out there?”
Julia gave a humorless laugh. “I ran away to be a nurse twice before against his wishes—once to Gettysburg and again to Fredericksburg. I think he wants to make sure I don’t do it again.”
“I know he was awful mad at you for it. He said you could either be his wife or a nurse but not both. Why did you go back to Fredericksburg if it meant losing the man you love?”
“Because I was convinced that God wanted me to go. That’s what I don’t understand about marriage, Phoebe. Nathaniel says he’ll be the head of our household and he’ll make all the decisions. But aren’t women allowed to hear from God? Are only our fathers or our husbands qualified to tell us what God wants? I thought I’d heard God speaking to me—but when it came to being a nurse, what Nathaniel said was very different from what God said. Society tells me I must stay in my place and obey my husband. So should I try to become the person he wants me to be or the person God wants me to be?”
“I don’t think they should be telling you two different things.”
Julia looked at her friend and smiled. Phoebe had more wisdom than most of the other women Julia knew. “You’re right. They shouldn’t be. You know, when I was growing up I used to think that all I needed in order to have an ideal life was to find the perfect husband. He would give my life meaning and purpose. And, of course, Nathaniel was perfect—hardworking, devout, committed to God…”
“Handsome,” Phoebe added.
“Yes, handsome, too,” she said uneasily. “But sometimes I get the feeling that he’s marrying me to complete himself, to fill the part of ‘wife’ in his life. I wish I knew if he loved me for myself, as someone who is whole and unique, not as an accessory to himself.”
“I don’t know much about marriages,” Phoebe said, “because I ain’t seen too many of them. Tell you the truth, I doubt if anyone will ever marry me.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t marry, either. My mother and most of the other women in my social class don’t seem to mind being accessories to their husbands. If I want to be my own person, maybe I should stay single, like Dorothea Dix.”
But Julia knew that wasn’t the answer, either. She thought about the deep scar on Phoebe’s back, how she had been wounded trying to protect the man she loved. How he had died protecting her. That was the kind of love she longed for. “I always thought love was about me,” Julia said. “Someone loving me. But it isn’t about possessing someone or being ‘theirs,’ is it? It’s about loving others, giving yourself to them and for them …the way you and Ted loved each other.”
Phoebe nodded silently.
“I had no idea who I was before the war,” Julia continued, “or what I was really like deep inside. How could I give myself to anybody in love if I didn’t know who I was? I used to think I was a pretty good person. Then God used the war and all the hardships He brought me through to break me and change me and shape me into someone He could finally use.”
“Seems like we never see the truth about ourselves,” Phoebe said, “as long as everything’s going pretty good in our lives. But when everything starts falling apart, then we’re ready to hear what God has to say. I used to think I was no good—and I wasn’t. God used the war to show me that He loved me anyway, and then He helped me learn to love other people.”
“So what do we do now?” Julia asked. “I found out who I was while working on the battlefields and in the hospitals. So did you. Now we can give that gift to others. But Nathaniel has his own ideas of who I am and what he thinks I should do. I’m so confused.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Julia. I’m just as confused as you are, but in a different way. I used to live all on my own, figuring I didn’t need nothing from nobody. Then the war forced me to work together with all kinds of people—rich and poor, men and women—and I found out how much we all need each other. I think God wants people to work together, to take care of each other. But when I leave here, I’ll be living all alone again.”
“I wish you and I could stay together,” Julia said. “I wish we weren’t as different as a polecat and a porcupine.”
“I know what you mean. But we are different. We have two different lives to live. But even if we can’t see exactly where we’re going, I reckon God will show us the way. I found this verse that I really like. … ”
Phoebe pulled out the battered, water-stained Bible Julia had often seen her reading and opened it. “It says, ‘The path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.”’
“Yes…” Julia murmured, “I like that.”
They both knew it was time to part and that it was going to be very difficult. When one of the nurses came into the kitchen suddenly, to tell Phoebe that Dr. McGrath was looking for her, they had an excuse to do it quickly. Phoebe and Julia hugged good-bye, promising each other that they would write. Then Phoebe hurried away.
Julia waited a moment, drying her tears, then walked through the ward toward the back door. As she passed the blind soldier’s bed, he called out to her.
“Nurse Bigelow? Phoebe, is that you?”
“No, I’m her friend Julia. Can I get you something?”
“I just wanted to tell her I’ll eat now.”
Julia knew how upset Nathaniel would be if he came inside and found her feeding a patient. But the urge to help the man, to comfort and soothe him, proved too strong to resist. She walked over to his bedside. “I’ll help you with your dinner if that’s okay.”
“Sure.”
She sat down and picked up the bowl, then took the soldier’s hand. “Here, you hold on to it yourself. It’s vegetable soup.”
“I can’t. I’ll spill it.”
“No, you won’t. Here’s the spoon. If you hold the bowl close to your mouth it will be much easier.” She guided his hands for the first few mouthfuls until he got used to doing it himself.
“Tell me something…” he said between swallows. “I been wondering what Phoebe looks like.”
“Well, she’s very tall.”
“I knew that. I can tell she’s tall because her voice comes from farther away than all the other nurses when she stands beside the bed. What color hair does she have?”
“It’s blond …a very pretty color blond. And her eyes are blue.”
“But what does she look like? She won’t tell me the truth. She keeps saying she’s as homely as a hound dog, but I think she’s lying.”
“What do you think she looks like?” Julia asked quietly.
“I think she must be very beautiful. I once saw a picture of angels in a Bible and they had blond hair, too. I think she looks as beautiful as them.”
Julia was glad the man couldn’t see the tears that came to her eyes. No one with natural sight would ever call Phoebe Bigelow beautiful. But the true beauty of Christ’s love shone through her life.
“You’re right,” Julia said. “Phoebe is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met.”
“Were you looking for me, Dr. McGrath?” Phoebe found him in the supply room, rummaging through boxes and bottles and piles of bandages, searching for something.
“I can’t find the calomel,” he said. “Are we all out of it?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
He had his battered medical bag with him, the one he took whenever he went to the shantytown to work.
“Loretta and Belle told me that all the folks in shantytown are real sick,” Phoebe said. “If you’re going there tonight, I’d like to go with you.”
“No. You can’t come this time, Phoebe. From the way they’ve described the symptoms, I suspect it might be typhoid fever.”
“I ain’t afraid—”
“I said no!” he yelled. “I won’t kill you, too! Stay away from there!”
Phoebe stepped back, stunned by the force of his anger. He had never yelled at her before. A moment later he caught himself. He closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. Please forgive me.”
“Of course. It’s okay.” She touched his arm briefly, then bent to fetch the calomel from a lower cabinet.
His angry words seemed odd to Phoebe: “I won’t kill you, too.” She remembered his confession at Cold Harbor, how he’d admitted that he had murdered someone. And also his emotional reaction when her brother Willard lay dying: “I know how difficult it is when it’s your own family and there’s nothing you can do.” It seemed to Phoebe that Dr. McGrath was all bent over beneath a very heavy load, as if carrying a knapsack stuffed full of guilt. He was suffering, and Phoebe wanted to help him, the way she’d helped Ted when his pack was too heavy. She stood again and handed him the lump of calomel.
“Did someone you love die of typhoid?” she asked softly.
At first she didn’t think he was going to answer. When he finally looked up at her, his eyes were filled with pain.
“My wife, Ellen.”
An enormous silence filled the room. The longer it lasted, the more heavily it seemed to weigh on both of them. “How long ago?” Phoebe finally asked.
“Four years.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes again. “It was my fault,” he said hoarsely. “I killed her.”
“But you just said she died of typhoid.”
“I made her go with me to help with an epidemic, like this one. She didn’t want to, but I made her. It was right after Eldon Tyler killed himself, and I was still trying to prove to the world that I wasn’t a murderer. My medical practice was ruined, and none of my former patients consulted me anymore, so I started working with poor people from the shipyards and the factory tenements. Ellen was afraid to go to such disease-ridden places, but I was driven to prove myself, to win my reputation back. It was all about me …and I ignored her fears. When she got sick, I couldn’t save her. And she died.”
Phoebe swallowed. “It’s an awful, helpless feeling when you can’t save the person you love.”
“Yes. It is.” He paused, drawing a breath. “I took a job with the army as a contract surgeon and came here to get away. I was still grieving, and I know I took it out on everyone who worked with me. I still do at times, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.”
“What about all the letters from New Haven?” she asked, suddenly remembering them.
“The what? Oh. My mother is taking care of Kate …my daughter.” He looked down at the calomel in his hands as if he had no idea where it had come from. Then he looked up at Phoebe again and nodded. “Thanks for finding this. I don’t want to keep you from your patients.”
She didn’t move. “After Ted died, I wanted to push everybody away, too. It seemed safer than getting close to people and getting hurt all over again. But it isn’t. We were meant to love people, and we need to accept their love in return. Otherwise, we ain’t really living.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he said quietly. “I know I was hard on all the nurses, but I had to know what motivated them—if they were doing this work because they wanted to or if it was only to please their husbands, as Ellen had done. I know I was especially hard on Julia Hoffman because I was certain that she was working here to please someone, not because she wanted to be here. Why else would someone as wealthy and as privileged as she is come here to—”
“Julia’s here in Washington,” Phoebe said, interrupting. “She came to see me today.”
“What? Julia’s …here?”
He was in love with her. Phoebe read it in his eyes and saw it written all over his face. Dr. McGrath had always been good at hiding his feelings, but for once he hadn’t been able to. Opening his heart to Phoebe and confessing his grief had made him vulnerable. It was as if she could look straight inside him. “You’re in love with Julia, aren’t you?” she said.
He quickly closed down again, turning away. “It doesn’t really matter how I feel about her. She’s going to marry that preacher …what’s-his-name.”
“She doesn’t love him. And he ain’t right for her. You are.”
“Well …it’s too late now.” He shoved the blue lump of calomel into his bag and snapped it shut. He started walking back toward his office. Phoebe followed.
“You know what a wonderful nurse Julia is, but Reverend Greene won’t let her be one. He wants to make her into what he wants her to be. She shouldn’t marry him.”
When the doctor reached his office, Phoebe followed him inside. He looked cornered, as if he wanted to run but had no place to go. “Don’t you have work to do?” he asked.
“Julia cares for you, Dr. McGrath. She told me she did.”
He stared at her. “When did she tell you that?”
“When she came to see me today. But she’s been hiding the way she feels all this time because she thinks you’re married.” Phoebe gestured to the photograph on his desk. “Everybody thought you were. And we thought all those letters were from your wife.”
For a long moment she saw hope flicker in his eyes, as if he could almost believe he might be happy again. Then it passed, replaced by pain. “I killed my wife, Phoebe. I won’t marry again.”
“You didn’t kill your wife. You were trying to help people, to save lives. The same as when I had to kill that man to save Julia’s life. You didn’t want your wife to die any more than I wanted Otis Whitney to die. Neither one of us set out to do it on purpose. It just happened. I had to ask God to forgive me, and then I had to forgive myself. So do you.”
“Asking forgiveness won’t change the past.”
“No, but you’re letting the past ruin today and tomorrow. None of us are the same people we were before the war. God can make us into new people if we ask Him to. Remember?”
“I’m sure God never intended salvation for the likes of me,” he said, dropping into his chair. “I certainly don’t deserve it.”
“You’re wrong. If everybody in that shantytown was healthy, you’d have no reason to go there, would you? Jesus said it wasn’t the good, healthy people who needed a physician but the sick ones.”
He didn’t look up. Phoebe was about to go out the door and leave him alone when she suddenly turned back. “If you love Julia, fight for her, Dr. McGrath.”
“How?” he asked hoarsely.
“She’s staying at that congressman’s house. You should go talk to her. Don’t let her make a mistake and marry the preacher.”
“It’s her life. I have no right to interfere.”
“You don’t have to interfere, just tell her the truth. Tell her that your wife died four years ago. Tell her that you love her. Then let her make up her own mind.”