Chapter II

Dido was a very terrified man.

 

I said, “I’m under the impression the “OH, GOD!” Dido Alstrong croaked. He gentlemen’s lavatory in Grand Central Sta-gripped my arm. “Back inside!”

tion is open for business twenty-four hours of “Back—” I said uncertainly. “But we the day.”

were going somewhere. You wanted a cab.

That didn’t stump him, for he said, “I—

Yonder seems to be an empty taxi—”

uh—may have to leave town a few days, Dido seized me in the most unceremo-Henry. I don’t want to leave the package nious manner. He bustled me back into the there that long. Ah—for all I know, they may office building. I abhor rough physical con-take that stuff out and sell it for storage after tacts, and I resisted. But there was more a few days.”

strength in Dido Alstrong’s soft-looking por-

“I don’t believe they do.”

cine body than one would think. That, and Dido Alstrong whipped a handkerchief also frenzy.

from his hip pocket and blotted his face. It The other people standing there under was not a hot day. “Hell, Henry, stop arguing the awning were staring in confused fashion with me. You’ve got the key. You get the at the portly man, who now lay on the side-package.”

walk. The portly man was squirming about, “What’s in it?” I demanded.

and his mouth was making shapes, but no He gripped my arm. “Henry, if anything sounds.

should happen to me—Er, that is, if you don’t “What—” I tried to assemble compo-hear from me in three days—you give that sure. “What happened to that chap?”

package to a policeman.”

There were beads of sweat on Dido Al-

“Great Scott!” I blurted. “Dido, I’ll have strong’s aggressive face. “That guy . . . ?” He nothing to do with anything underhanded—”

hesitated. “He probably had a heart attack, or “Thanks, Henry,” exclaimed Dido Al-something,” Dido said.

strong.

“Really? It seemed very sudden—”

He gave me a clap on the back which “Never mind that guy,” Dido said, and he probably considered hearty, but which I his voice was thickly grating with excitement.

found most distasteful.

“I—I’ve changed my mind, Henry. I—well—I “You’re dependable, Henry,” he said.

was just reminded of something.”

And he darted into one of the shops I had a feeling of relief. “You mean you which had an entrance into the building don’t want me to do the favor for you?”

lobby, and also an exit into a side street.

 

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MY confusion was, to say the least, She was pointing a finger at Dido Al-considerable, but it was exceeded by my strong’s bulbous dough-like nose and speak-misgivings. The temptation to follow Dido ing sharply.

Alstrong, collar him, and demand fuller and I ventured closer.

more logical explanations, was very strong.

She was speaking as follows: “The But, as I have mentioned, I abhor harshness only thing that got me out in this rain was of the man-to-man sort, and also I didn’t want your promise to buy me lunch at the Colony, to give Dido the satisfaction of seeing me and take me to that matinee. Now you say confused. He had always seemed to derive it’s off. I don’t like it.”

pleasure from seeing me confused.

“Babe,” said Dido Alstrong. “I’m sorry.

Compromising in a measure, I returned I’m sorry up to here. But I can’t go. I tell you, to the street, at the same time summoning my uncle in Kansas just died, and I’ve got to my dignity, which Dido had shoved out of fly out there.”

kilter.

The way Dido called her “babe” imbued Now a tightly packed cluster of pedes-me with a wish to hit him over the head.

trians surrounded the portly man who’d, as I didn’t, naturally.

Dido Alstrong had put it, had a heart attack.

And the girl seemed mollified. “I’m These people were like worker and drone sorry about, your uncle in Kansas, too, of bees around their queen bee. I was unable to course—if you have one,” she said.

obtain a glimpse of the portly man, although “Lila, I would give anything if I could it was simple to gather that he lay on the entertain you, but I can’t,” Dido assured her.

sidewalk.

“It’s out of the question. In fact, I’ve got to run My curiosity, while intense, was not now. My plane leaves in an hour.”

sufficient to give me the brashness neces-She eyed him. She has his number, I sary to push my way to the unfortunate fel-thought.

low. It goes against my grain to elbow and “Mind if I ride out to the airport with shove people, although they seldom have you, Dido?” she asked.

such scruples about me. This was none of “Uh—no need of that,” he said hur-my business anyway.

riedly. “I’ll be tearing around. Not good comI did, however, walk to the corner, and pany.” He chucked her under the chin. “Re-glance down the side street. Sure enough, member me as I am now, toots. Fond of you there was Dido Alstrong. He was walking as anything.”

rapidly and, had he kept going out of sight, I “Well. . . . You’ll wire me, of course?”

might have dropped the matter. But he did “I’ll sure try,” he promised. “You know not.

I’ll tear my head off to do that. Well—He turned into a cocktail bar.

goodbye, Lila.”

There, I realize now, I made my sec-

“Goodbye, Dido,” she said.

ond serious mistake. The first error was in “A lil’ kiss, huh, Lila?” he asked bra-ever permitting Dido Alstrong to call on me.

zenly.

With my hand on the key Dido had given me, She shook her head. “After you bury which was in my coat pocket, I strode to the your uncle, maybe,” she said dryly.

cocktail place and, after hesitating several With that, they parted. She remained.

times, ventured inside.

Dido Alstrong wheeled and strode out—I had I immediately had two emotions. De-moved a bit to one side, the interior of the light that I had come. And disgust that Dido cocktail place was inadequately lighted as Alstrong should have an acquaintance with such establishments usually are, and Dido such a lovely girl.

Alstrong obviously did not notice me.

It was a satisfaction, though, to note I stood there after Dido had gone, and that this wonderful creature was giving Dido presently something happened to me, and I a piece of her mind.

made what I consider to be my third large This girl was a middling-sized butterfly mistake.

girl, all liveliness and glow, with aquamarine eyes, a roguish little retroussé nose, and a skin that the sun must have loved kissing.

VERILY, I do not understand my be-Nature surely had turned handsprings after havior. From youth I have been condemned creating her.

to be an introverted sort of an individual, al-THE MONKEY SUIT

9

though I have long since ceased to consider “So it’s an idea,” she said rather coolly.

it a matter of being condemned, but rather I believe the phrase is brush-off. I was one of being blessed. We who are inward going to be brushed off. I could see it com-souls develop the greatest minds, I am con-ing.

vinced. But the point I am making is that I “Dido has no uncle in Kansas!” I have been plagued always by thoughts, im-blurted wildly. “He is from Missouri. All his pulses, emotions, which must be repressed, uncles are there. They are all in the town of and sometimes it is quite difficult to repress Kirksville, Missouri, and a very greedy lot them, particularly when they concern women.

they are.”

I am, as a rule, quite successful, though. I This verbal imbecility intrigued her. I would not permit myself to be fresh with a was most relieved and, since I had not young one of the opposite sex, although the planned to speak thus—indeed, I had no real yen to do so might be a large one. I am uni-idea of how to get and hold a beautiful girl’s formly polite, well-mannered, and speak attention—I was rather inclined to feel that along intelligent lines, when dealing with the my subconscious had stood staunchly by me, other sex. I have never picked up a girl.

and delivered in this pinch.

It was not like me, not at all like me, to “This,” she said, “sounds as if it might find myself standing beside the chair at which have its points. Sit down.”

this delightful girl, Lila, had seated herself in I sat down. I couldn’t have managed a piqued way.

much more alacrity.

“Oaf,” I stated, “derives from the Ice-

“And,” she added, “you can buy me a landic alfr, meaning an elf’s child, a deformed drink.”

or foolish child, a simpleton, or changeling, While I do not drink intoxicating bever-left by goblins on one’s doorstep.”

ages, I have been stuck with enough checks She stared up at me. Much, I suppose, to know that the potions they served in as if a pink-striped toad had hopped into her places like this come very high indeed. This lap.

never entered my mind, however.

“Will you,” she said, “do it again?”

“Delighted!” I gasped.

“I—ah—refer to Dido.”

“Who are you?” she wished to know.

“Oh.”

“Henry,” I said.

“I—er—am probably upset,” I said

“You would be,” she decided, “if you’re lamely.

not kidding. Is your name really Henry?”

“You’re acquainted with Dido Al-

“Yes indeed. Henry Jones.”

strong?” she inquired.

She frowned. “Don’t overdo it.”

“I am his pal,” I explained bitterly. “I’m “Henry Alcibiades Ephraim Jones,” I afraid that I am making a spectacle of myself.

said miserably. “I can’t help it.”

I don’t understand why I am. I don’t, usually, She looked as if she wished to laugh, so I suppose this comes under the heading and presently did so, adding, “I don’t get it, of an irresistible impulse of an unorthodox but if it’s a rib, I’ll go along for what it’s nature.”

worth.”

She considered this, shook her head, The waiter came. Those hawks are al-and remarked, “I was aware that Dido had a ways at one’s elbow in the high-priced circle of rather unusual acquaintances, so I places, I have noticed. She ordered a dai-don’t suppose I should be too surprised.”

quiri, and I requested buttermilk.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Buttermilk?” she remarked.

“Me?”

“It’s healthful,” I explained lamely.

“Yes, thank you,” I said.

 

This didn’t make sense to her. Nor did it to me. I was rather afloat on my emotions, AT this juncture, my memory recovered but I was utterly delighted, in an ashamed sufficiently to remind me that I had an ap-sort of way, that I had dared converse with pointment with the chemist, Mr. Andrew her.

Blodgett Mayfair. Realizing how important a “Is this,” she asked thoughtfully, “one of matter this was to me, it seemed best to no-Dido’s gags?”

tify Miss Lucy Jenkins where I might be “No! Oh, I assure you, no!” I exclaimed.

found. Accordingly, excusing myself to the “It was utterly my own idea.”

 

10

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beautiful girl, I made a telephone call to my “This is very interesting,” Lila remarked laboratory.

gaily. “I’m glad I stayed.”

Disapproval was noticeable in Lucy Monk Mayfair snatched out a chair and Jenkins’ voice when she learned I was in a seated himself beside her. “I’m glad you rum hole. She could not, of course, know that stayed too, honey,” he said.

it was a very glorified and expensive one.

She laughed. I did not understand why.

“Just a moment, Henry,” said Lucy

“You I understand,” she said to Mr.

Jenkins, and she spoke to someone. Then Mayfair.

she informed me, “He says he’ll join you and Mr. Mayfair now turned to me, and he hoist one before lunch.”

said, “I tell you what, Henry, let’s talk about “Who?” I gasped.

our business tomorrow. You’re a busy man.

“Mr. Andrew Blodgett Mayfair.”

Why don’t you run along to your laboratory.”

“Oh, great governor, is he there al-

“Ridiculous!” I exclaimed. “I haven’t ready?”

even broached the subject I wished to dis-

“Not now,” said Lucy Jenkins. “He just cuss with Miss Lila—er—”

went out the door. He’s on his way.” It was “Lila Farrar,” she said.

evident that she shared my misgivings about I am not obtuse. Lila Farrar, she had the cultural level of Mr. Mayfair.

said. That obnoxious Dido Alstrong had Returning to the lovely lady, I explained boasted of being laboratory chief for Farrar sadly, “I am afraid another is going to join us.

Products, and since her name was Farrar, I trust you won’t mind.”

the connection was obvious. She was the “Another friend of Dido’s?” she in-daughter of Dido’s boss. Dido was just the quired.

kind of a reprobate to try to grab off the boss’

“Oh, no!”

daughter.

“A friend of yours?”

“What,” asked Miss Lila Farrar, eyeing

“Well—slightly a business acquaint-me, “was your matter, Henry?”

ance.”

“A package,” I said, “that Dido Alstrong

“And what,” she asked without embar-wishes me to keep.”

rassment, “might your business be?”

Monk Mayfair asked, “Who’s Dido Al-I told her the truth. “At present, I am strong, Henry?”

developing the refining properties of lithium in I tried to think of a description of Dido.

nonferrous alloys.”

“Leech,” I said, “denotes a surgeon, the

“You don’t say,” she said, and took a edge of a sail, a cure, a veterinarian, and a quick sip of her drink. Her lovely eyes twin-carnivorous bloodsucking worm of the class kled.

Hirudinea.”

Mr. Mayfair arrived with unwelcome

“Huh?” Mayfair’s mouth fell open.

promptness.

Lila Farrar examined me with a degree He did not take one look at my com-of thoughtfulness. “Wisdom,” she remarked, panion. He took several.

“can come in odd packages.”

“Hubba, hubba,” he said. “Could it be Mr. Mayfair closed his mouth, but that I have underestimated you, Henry?”

opened it again to inquire,

Lila was inspecting Mr. Mayfair in

“What was that you started to say amazement. Perhaps l should explain why: about a package, Henry?”

Andrew Blodgett Mayfair, while he might be a It occurred to me that I would prefer not renowned chemist, gave no outward signs of to discuss Dido Alstrong’s package with him.

brains whatever. He was short, and nearly It was none of Mr. Mayfair’s concern. But I wide enough to need to be careful to dash had started the subject, and I was at a loss through doors edgewise, and there did not how to evade.

seem to be an ounce of anything but muscle I was spared the necessity of evasion, on him. He was covered with wiry hair like because just then our genteel rum hole was shingle-nails, rusty ones. His face was some-held up by robbers.

thing that must have terrified his mother and given his father pause.

 

“This gentleman,” I explained to Lila, “is

an eminent chemist.”

 

THE MONKEY SUIT

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