Chapter Nineteen

HETTY WAS WOKEN by birdsong and a noise which could have been made by a male elephant on the rampage coming from inside the house. Both sounds were too loud for her throbbing head. She may not have felt drunk last night, but she certainly had a hangover this morning.

Cursing herself for not waking sooner, she scrambled off the sofa and burrowed about for the plastic bag full of her clothes. If she appeared in Caroline’s elegant garments, she’d create even more speculation than she might have done already. It all depended on whether anyone, namely Connor, had realized she hadn’t slept in her bed last night. Somehow she would have to get into the rest of the house without him noticing.

It was a lot easier climbing out of the window than it had been climbing in, mostly because she didn’t have to worry about snagging Caroline’s clothes. She ducked down low, so she couldn’t be seen from any of the downstairs windows.

A discreet peep through the kitchen window gave her the impression the coast was clear. She went round to the back door, hoping the elephant noise had been Connor, and that she would find it unlocked. If he’d gone out with the dogs, he would never have locked it behind him.

The dogs, not out, greeted her warmly. Connor, crouching in front of a cupboard searching for something, did not. He straightened up as Hetty came in, looking more than normally haggard. ‘Where the bloody hell have you been? I’ve been out of my mind with worry!’

Hetty opened and shut her mouth a few times as she observed that Connor was still wearing the same clothes he’d had on yesterday. The kitchen table was littered with mugs, and a bottle of brandy she’d not seen before stood half empty.

‘I rang Caroline, who said she’d dropped you off at the corner – she’s probably phoned the police by now. I phoned Peter, who said he hadn’t seen you. For crying out loud, I even phoned Phyllis!’

‘Oh, God.’

‘So where the fuck were you?’

‘In the sitting room.’

Everything he had previously said seemed to have been delivered in a whisper compared with the volume he managed this time. ‘Where? Why?’

‘In the sitting room. I got in through the window and the door was locked.’

‘Of course it was! I locked it!’

‘But why?’

‘Because of the damn window! Phyllis cornered me about it only yesterday. She thought I might be able to fix it. But why didn’t you use the door to come in by? If it’s not a silly question.’

It didn’t seem as silly as telling him she hadn’t wanted to face him, and why. ‘I didn’t want to wake you.’

He pushed his hair off his face. ‘You needn’t have worried. I wasn’t asleep!’

‘You didn’t wait up for me?’

‘Yes! But even if I hadn’t, you would hardly have woken me up by using the door like a reasonable human being!’

Hetty wished he wouldn’t shout so. ‘I forgot my key.’

‘Then why didn’t you knock!’

‘I said, I didn’t want to wake you.’

‘Oh, for crying out loud!’

‘So why did you wait up for me?’

Connor gawped at her for several seconds. ‘Don’t ask me questions! You’re the one creeping home like a –a–’

Seeing Connor at a loss for the right word, Hetty followed up her advantage. ‘An escaped convict? A teenage daughter? Or an errant wife? I’m not any of those, am I? So why were you waiting up?’

This time Connor was ready for her. ‘I waited up because I promised Samuel I’d look after you!’

‘I thought you just promised –’

He brushed this interjection aside. ‘I didn’t fill in a form! His intention was that I should see you were all right! Now, why the fuck did you put me through a night of hell by refusing to use the bloody door?’

‘I didn’t want a quarrel at two in the morning. And, actually, I don’t want one now.’ It sounded so pathetic, and by avoiding a row last night she’d made things much worse for herself now. Quarrelling with Connor was tough at the best of times. When he was in the right, it was more than her throbbing head could bear. ‘Please.’ She lifted a hand in a gesture of truce. ‘I’ve got a headache.’

‘A hangover, you mean. Caroline told me you’d been drinking heavily. And a hangover is better than you deserve for putting the whole village through all that worry!’

‘I didn’t put the village through any worry. It was you who did that when you rang them! A rather major piece of over-reaction, don’t you think?’

‘No, actually – a perfectly logical thing to do. You’d gone out, God knows where –’

‘I told you –’

‘Did you hell! You said you were going out to a Tupperware party! Did you really expect me to believe that?’

It did seem unreasonable, but could she tell him the truth? No. ‘I was with Caroline –’

‘But you didn’t come home with Caroline, or at least, not right home. Ringing round your friends seemed perfectly reasonable!’

‘Ringing people at that hour is never reasonable,’ she whispered.

Connor glared at her with so much anger and hatred she almost cringed. ‘I think I’m just going to save myself a lot of heartache and kill you.’

Her headache was so bad she was tempted to let him. But her instincts of self-preservation were strong and, hardly aware she was doing it, she’d manoeuvred her way round the room so she was nearly at the inside door. She was just about to leg it, and risk an undignified capture half-way up the stairs, when she heard a car. Connor heard it too.

‘But before I do,’ he went on, positioning himself between Hetty and her escape route, ‘I think you’d better explain yourself to Phyllis.’

Hetty would have preferred to be discovered choking to death, Connor’s hands incriminatingly around her neck. But he was in no mood to be co-operative. ‘Look, tell her I’m –’

‘Oh, no. I’m not going to lie for you. I’m going to watch you squirm!’

Hetty pulled her clothes straight and scraped her fingers through her hair, and the minute Phyllis appeared she began. ‘Look, I’m so sorry about Connor ringing you last night, I don’t know how it happened, but he didn’t hear me come in and took it into his head that something dreadful had happened to me. Had I known he’d create such a commotion, I’d have woken him.’

Connor’s rumble was as threatening as any erupting volcano. ‘You know damn well I wasn’t asleep. I waited up for you!’

‘But I didn’t know you were in the kitchen, I thought you were tucked up in bed!’

‘That’s a bloody lie! You knew I was in the kitchen, which was why you didn’t dare come in that way!’

‘I didn’t ask you to wait up! And I certainly didn’t expect you to ring half the county just because you considered I was late home!’

‘I was worried half out of my mind, what was I supposed to do?’

‘Anything you like! Tear your hair out! Bite your nails! Meditate?’

To Hetty, it appeared that Connor had gathered himself to spring, either forgetting, or no longer caring, that there’d be a witness to her murder. Phyllis may have thought the same, because she cleared her throat loudly, which seemed to change his mind.

‘I think I see what’s happened here – complete crossing of lines. But do tell, where were you, Hetty?’

For a terrible moment, Hetty thought she was going to have to tell Phyllis and Connor about the Naughty Knickers party, but then she realized that Phyllis was asking where she had spent the night. ‘In the sitting room. I got in through the window.’

‘But I always lock the sitting-room door. I’d mentioned to Connor to make sure he did too.’

‘I know. I mean, I didn’t know about locking it. Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘You weren’t around at the time, and I’d only just discovered about the window.’

‘Oh.’ Hetty had known about it for ages, but it had kept slipping her mind.

‘Did you know about it?’

Hetty became vague. ‘Oh, yes, I discovered it the other day. I meant to say something to Peter, but I forgot.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Connor. ‘You can tell him now. Here he is!’

‘Hetty! Are you all right! I didn’t sleep a wink after Connor phoned.’

‘I’m fine –’

‘Don’t lie. You’ve got a hangover,’ murmured Connor.

‘Oh.’ Peter appeared as shocked by this information as Connor had intended him to be. ‘Well, I’m sorry you feel unwell, but you caused everyone a lot of anxiety.’

‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’ She shot Connor a look that denied her words. ‘But it never occurred to me that anyone would worry. I went out with Caroline and got back a bit late. That’s all.’

‘You didn’t appear to get back at all, late, or otherwise,’ said Connor. ‘She slept in the sitting room,’ he explained.

‘What?’ demanded Peter. ‘Why?’

‘My question exactly. Tell us, Hetty.’

Hetty decided that before she finally put an end to his life, she would make sure that Connor suffered a headache as bad as hers. Only when it was better would she deliver the coup de grâce. ‘Because I knew Connor would pick a quarrel, and I didn’t want one.’

‘Why would he do that?’

‘Because I told him, as you and Phyllis insisted I should, that we knew the house wasn’t listed!’ Both Phyllis and Peter’s jaws dropped gratifyingly. ‘Naturally, he wasn’t pleased.’

‘I’ll be damned if I’ll be blackmailed!’ Connor began.

‘To avoid further conflict –’ Hetty persisted.

‘At two o’clock in the morning,’ muttered Connor.

‘– I tried to avoid seeing him. And if you lot hadn’t all been so hooked on security, I’d’ve got up to bed easily!’

‘Now now, dear, there’s no need to get upset. You know security’s important. There are valuable things in this house –’

‘Are there? Still?’ said Connor.

Phyllis glared at him ferociously. He stared back, unimpressed. ‘Everything we have done to this house, young man,’ said Phyllis, ‘has been done both for the good of the house and of your uncle! If Hetty and Peter and I had done nothing in your absence, your uncle would have no decent home to return to!’

Hetty cheered, quietly.

‘And as it is,’ resumed Connor, unabashed by Phyllis’s righteous indignation, ‘he’s got a house constantly bombarded by visitors, allowing no privacy and precious little peace! Please don’t expect me to be grateful!’

‘Nobody expects that much of you,’ declared Phyllis. ‘But Samuel is my friend, and I’ll do my best to guard his interests.’

‘Um – er.’ Hetty tried to attract their attention, but they were locked in battle. She wondered if she ought to fill a bucket.

‘Blood is thicker than water, Mrs Hempstead!’ roared Connor. ‘He’s my only relative. And, if you don’t mind, I’ll decide what his best interests are!’

‘Excuse me!’ broke in Hetty. ‘Sorry to interrupt and all that . . .’

Connor turned to her, his eyes still on full blaze. ‘What?’

‘There’s a coachload of people just driven up. Are they one of your specials, Phyllis?’

‘Oh, hell,’ said Connor, ‘I’m off.’

‘Bugger!’ said Phyllis, startling Peter and Hetty. ‘They are. I’ll have to see to them. But don’t think you’ve heard the last of this, young man.’ Phyllis bustled out of the back door into the yard so she could greet her party. Hetty had the weird impression that she was laughing.

Hetty and Connor collided in the doorway, both desperate to escape; Hetty so she could at least get a couple of paracetamol down before she started work; and Connor so he wouldn’t be smarmed over by the visitors.

Hetty heard Connor’s car drive off soon after, but Phyllis was harder to avoid. Hetty apologized to her again, but surprisingly Phyllis didn’t seem annoyed.

‘I’ve never liked Connor, you know that. And his plans for the house are barbaric. But I never realized until now how much he cares about his uncle. You’ve got to respect that.’

Yesterday Hetty would have been grateful for any sign that Phyllis was warming to Connor. Having them both constantly snarling and griping was like sharing the house with a pair of rival Jack Russells. But today, when she was so furious with Connor herself, hearing him praised, by Phyllis of all people, was intensely annoying.

‘I suppose so,’ she agreed grudgingly. ‘And he’s talking about converting those old barns, you know? The ones at the opposite side of the courtyard. So Samuel can have somewhere level, in case he’s in a wheelchair. Because even if the house wasn’t full of visitors, which it probably won’t be, when all the locals have been, there’s still no downstairs bathroom.’

‘Nor is there. But how on earth are we to raise that sort of money when there’s so much else we’ve got to do?’

‘I asked him that. He said he’d get a loan.’

‘Did he indeed? He’s not quite so bad after all.’

‘Don’t forget he’s planning to pull down the house!’ Hetty, her headache still lingering at the back of her neck, was nettled.

‘Is he, though? Do you know, I think we might all turn out to be very pleased and surprised by that young man.’

‘I hope “that young man” is grateful!’ muttered Hetty, but only after Phyllis had gone downstairs to give her lecture on tapestries.

Later, Hetty went to find Peter to apologize to him for being rung up in the middle of the night. She knew he was somewhere about because his car was parked in the yard. She ought to get him to do something about the damn window, too. But she couldn’t track him down, and when she finally caught sight of him he was accompanied by Connor. They were talking, man to man.

Judas! thought Hetty, grimly. First Phyllis and now Peter, gone over to the enemy, leaving her the only one out in the cold. Caroline had never joined in the We Hate Connor campaign, or she’d have had a moan to her. But she did give her a ring, to apologize, yet again, for Connor’s nocturnal call.

‘Oh, that’s OK. It was soon after I got home anyway – I wasn’t asleep. And I thought it was rather sweet, don’t you? Worrying about you when you’re out?’

‘If he was my mother or my grandmother, maybe, but as he’s just some very distant relation I just happen to be sharing a house with, no.’

‘He was just a smidge more to you than that not long ago.’

‘Well, he’s not now. And the worst thing is, Phyllis has started to like him. And I saw him talking to Peter, and I daresay we’ll discover that he’s going to design and plan the conversion of the barns so Samuel’s got somewhere to live that’s on the level.’

‘I can’t really see why you should be annoyed about that. Peter’s a super craftsman. You’d be furious if Connor got someone else in.’

Hetty exhaled. ‘I know. It’s just the mon –’ Just in time she stopped herself saying it out loud.

‘The what?’

‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Quickly she changed the subject. ‘Have you heard when Jack’s coming home yet? Will your crotchless panties have arrived by then?’

‘Well, Jack’ll be home for your ruby wedding –’

‘Not my personal ruby wedding, I hope?’

‘No, I know. But he will be around to run the bar. I asked him on the phone.’

‘You told him about it being on the Sunday?’

‘Yes – he said he’d love to help. Which means I can be your Mistress of Ceremonies.’

After her experiences last night, a sudden vision of Caroline dressed as a sort of dominatrix flashed into her mind. ‘You’ll just wear that black dress we talked about?’

‘Of course, darling. What did you think I’d wear? Long black boots and a whip?’

‘Of course not!’ said Hetty guiltily.

Hetty had asked if Caroline could mingle among the guests during the ruby wedding, making sure everything was going to plan, while she rushed about behind the scenes. It would be impossible for her to arrange the serving of the food, the concealment of the heifer, and worry about where everyone was going to go, and keep her eye on the party. The good thing about Caroline, apart from her stunning looks, was that she didn’t want to be paid. Ditto Jack.

Felicity Makepiece was due to visit the next day so Hetty spent all morning making the rooms look larger by removing bits of furniture and clearing surfaces of knick-knacks. But when Felicity arrived, she looked around and shook her head.

‘There’s nowhere big enough to eat in except the great hall. And if we eat there, how could you clear it in time for the cabaret?’ Hetty, who had been turning this problem over in her mind for a long time, shrugged. ‘You can’t really shuffle people out after the meal and ask them to have coffee in the other rooms, or you’ll never get them out of the sofas.’

Felicity nodded. ‘Oh, dear. I was so looking forward to having the party here. And it’ll be difficult to find anywhere else at such short notice.’

Hetty had been looking forward to the huge amount of money the party was going to bring in. She didn’t like to point out to Felicity that the numbers she had originally talked about when she first came to look at the house had been doubled. If she lost the contract now, she’d have no choice but to do the honourable thing and kill herself.

‘There are the barns,’ she said suddenly. ‘You could eat in one of them.’

‘What barns? I didn’t know you had barns.’

‘Oh, dozens of them. But there are two directly opposite the back of the house that are being cleared out. They’re going to be converted into a flat for Uncle Samuel. One is larger than the other.’

‘Let’s have a look.’

Felicity loved the barns, in spite of, or maybe because of, the agricultural clutter that almost filled them. ‘It’s so romantic, like something out of Cold Comfort Farm.’ Hetty didn’t comment. ‘You can imagine all the tables laid out, garlands of wild flowers everywhere . . .’ Hetty made a mental note to get in an extra flower-arranger for the barn. Their present one specialized in formal arrangements best viewed from the end of an early fifteenth-century aisle. ‘. . . and, of course, it’s the perfect place to present Ruby.’

‘Er . . .?’

‘You know, the little heifer. She’s so gorgeous. Just born the other day, so she’ll still be quite little.’

‘And if she makes a mess, it’ll be easier to clear up in a barn.’

‘Of course! Do you think you’ll have time to give the place a coat of whitewash as well as clearing it out?’

‘Oh yes, easily,’ said Hetty, crossing her fingers. ‘And now, are you sure these are the final figures?’

‘Oh, yes. My husband says we don’t know anyone else.’

Hetty fervently hoped that Felicity’s husband was right.

Before announcing this change of plan to Connor or Peter, both of whom would be directly involved and probably uncooperative, Hetty rang Caroline. Fortunately this well-connected lady knew a troop of Cub Scouts, who’d like nothing better than to spend a day clearing out a barn before sloshing a lot of whitewash about.

‘The akela’s a great friend of mine,’ said Caroline. ‘He’s always keen to get his boys to help the community.’

‘This hardly counts as the community . . .’

‘Darling, it’s employing almost everyone in the village – what else is the community? But there’s one condition . . .’

‘What?’

‘You let my Brownies come too.’

‘But Caroline, your Brownies have done so much already, and surely their parents won’t want their little girls getting all filthy.’

‘What century were you born in? Why should the boys have all the fun? I’ll arrange it for next weekend.’

Hetty broke the news to Peter first. He was fixing the window. ‘How would you like it if I got the barn cleared and whitewashed for you?’

‘It depends who’s doing it. I don’t want Caroline’s Brownies within a mile of the place.’

This was disappointing. ‘Oh. What about Cub Scouts?’

‘They’re worse.’

‘I thought I’d be doing you a favour, saving you all that work.’

‘Why bother? They’ll make a huge mess, and I haven’t finished the designs yet. There’s no great hurry.’

Hetty cleared her throat. ‘There is, actually.’