Inside the warehouse I recognized what that funny machine was waiting there next to the cargo bay of his war surplus DC–3—and I recognized who was tinkering with it. Dr. Ogilvy was completing the Final Assembly of his homemade A-Bomb.

 

TREMAYNE: The big boss told me to load it onboard.

DR. OGILVY: One more bolt to tighten…There. If I steady it on its cradle…

TREMAYNE: Dr. Ogilvy? Do you remember me?

DR. OGILVY: Bad with faces. Better with names.

TREMAYNE: Peter Tremayne. Harvard ’35.

DR. OGILVY: Ah yes of course! Plasma wasn’t it? And here you are working for Mr. Regis too.

TREMAYNE: I think you may be in great danger from him. He isn’t who he says he is.

DR. OGILVY: Pish-tosh young man. Oh I thought that at first—a little mysterious. Well he’s a millionaire and they’re all like that. When you get to know him better you’ll see he’s a man of vision.

TREMAYNE: I know him all right. He’s a monster. He’s using you for some secret purpose of his own. Secret even from you.

DR. OGILVY: The only secret is Mr. Regis & I are about to fly this “crate” up to Washington D.C. don’t you know! To show those smug bureaucrats they don’t hold all the aces. It was his idea—Mr. Regis’s—for the sake of GLOBOS don’t you know!

HORVATH: Are we on schedule Doctor?

DR. OGILVY: On the dot. Soon as we load Fat Lady onboard—

TREMAYNE: Fat Lady. That’s cute.

HORVATH: Well well well. Tremayne…

DR. OGILVY: Wh-what’s going on here?

TREMAYNE: Don’t expect a straight answer from “Mr. Regis.” I suppose it’s as easy to lie to Dr. Ogilvy about your real identity as it is about your true purpose.

HORVATH: I don’t mind telling him my name now. What have I got to lose? Ha ha ha ha ha!

DR. OGILVY: That voice! I recognize it…you’re Vennema.

HORVATH: Not quite Doctor. Vennema was me.

TREMAYNE: Try again.

HORVATH: Professor Lionel Horvath. At your service.

TREMAYNE: The most notorious criminal mastermind at large today.

HORVATH: Is that your puny attempt to embarrass me with my past? It won’t work. As usual Tremayne you’re a day late and a dollar short. Haven’t you heard the news? I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m legitimate now. I’m in the Kikapoo nut oil business. I don’t have to rely on outsmarting you & your pet police captain—

TREMAYNE: Haven’t you heard the news? He’s the chief now.

HORVATH: They’ll bust him down to county dogcatcher when they find out what slipped through his fingers today.

TREMAYNE: Careful Horvath. Your toupee twitches when you lie.

HORVATH: Is that nasty habit of suspicion something you picked up from your friend The Green Ray?

DR. OGILVY: Please gentlemen! Mr. Regis—or Mr. Horvath—has donated $100,000 to my organization. He’s the most generous benefactor GLOBOS has got! He isn’t the first philanthropist in history who disguised his identity so he could do good works.

TREMAYNE: Good works! Spare me!

HORVATH: Save your breath Doc. There are none so dumb as will not hear. Tell you what Tremayne—why don’t you come along for the ride? We can keep an eye on each other.

TREMAYNE: I’ve always wanted to see Washington from the air.

HORVATH: Washington? Did anybody hear me say anything about flying to Washington?

 

The mighty Sound of its twin propellers spinning hauls the DC—3 into the wild blue yonder—with Horvath in the driver’s seat & his explosive Cargo loaded onboard!

 

HORVATH: Here’s a tip Tremayne. If you want to make a financial killing invest in Brazilian Kikapoo nuts. The price is about to go through the roof.

TREMAYNE: Do you know something Wall Street doesn’t know?

HORVATH: Could be…Doctor—is Fat Lady locked in her cradle?

DR. OGILVY: Yes indeed. She’s safe & sound. How long before we get to Washington?

HORVATH: I think we’ll do a little bit of sight-seeing first. Look down there. Those luscious green fields are where half the world’s Kikapoo nuts grow…

 

I knew what was set to happen next thing. Then what I had to do about it jumped out at me from the dark of my inner thoughts. Who decides the Future? Who dares to do or die! Now the Nation expects me to fight back with all my Powers & give of my best and STOP THAT BOMB FROM BLOWING UP!

Thus my Counterplot hatches out:

If I do not feed David Arcash his cue i.e. if I do not give my line, “This will be a far better world without you in it!” then ipso facto Horvath can not reply, “It’ll be a simpler world without The Green Ray! Sing Fat Lady! Sing!” which line is Leon’s cue to explode the A-Bomb in our faces.

Therefore the Episode can end before I disintegrate in a fountain of radioactive Particles & voilà we avoid the violent Conclusion which means it is possible I can return next week—

 

HORVATH: Take the controls a minute Doc. I’m going to check on Fat Lady.

DR. OGILVY: I don’t know how to fly this contraption!

HORVATH: It’s just like driving a car.

DR. OGILVY: But I can’t drive a car!

HORVATH: Just keep an eye on things…It’s on automatic pilot.

TREMAYNE: Don’t do it Dr. Ogilvy.

DR. OGILVY: Mr. Horvath please! Come back!

TREMAYNE: Does this gangster’s greed have no decent limit? Can this maniac’s madness be boundless in its hunger?

 

Very quick I got my answer: the Sound of the cargo door opening & air whistling into the fuselage—

 

DR. OGILVY: Wh-what’s going on? What are you doing back there?

HORVATH: Get back to those controls!

DR. OGILVY: What are you doing? That switch arms the detonator!

 

And tick-tick-tick starts ringing in our ears counting down the Last Minute to our Doom…

 

TREMAYNE: Don’t do it Horvath! There are innocent people down there. American citizens!

HORVATH: Shut up and watch me. You got a ringside seat. I want you to report it all to The Green Ray. He’s the only man alive who appreciates my genius.

DR. OGILVY: I won’t let you do it! Move back!

HORVATH: Drop that monkey wrench Doc. You can’t stop this. It’s too late.

 

Horvath takes a feeble punch on the shoulder and they snort & grunt they scuffle hard but Dr. Ogilvy is too weak to fight him off—the Enlightened Mind is no match for Ruthless Business!

 

HORVATH: Get off me you old fool!

DR. OGILVY: Help me! Tremayne!

TREMAYNE: The cargo door! Look out! Keep away from the door!

DR. OGILVY: Tremaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayne!

 

I hear his Voice fade away with him plunging out of the airplane down to his messy Death far below. Do you think Horvath cares? By him Dr. Ogilvy performed his job so now so what he is out of his sight & mind…

 

HORVATH: Get us back on course! We’re flying over the ocean!

TREMAYNE: That’s right Horvath. You’ve gone too far this time and I’m going to stop you for good!

 

The music of my glorious Fanfare surrounded him—my Blaze of Green Light flared up & blinded him—it Transformed me into his Arch Foe there I was as bright as a Star glowing indoors! I humbled him by the power of being The Green Ray—

 

HORVATH: It’s y-you! All this time! All along it’s been you!

GREEN RAY: Yes. I invented Peter Tremayne to protect my true identity. Yes Professor Horvath—I am The Green Ray. Your sworn and eternal nemesis.

 

At the Sound of a bolt from my Hand Blaster the control panel goes flooey with short circuits all over the place fizzing & popping. But the plane keeps ploughing through the Air with both motors purring very steady.

 

HORVATH: Smart move! You just wiped out the controls!

GREEN RAY: Yes they’re locked solid. At least America’s supply of Kikapoo nut oil is safe from your immoral hands.

HORVATH: It ain’t over till the Fat Lady sings. If you don’t turn us around I’ll reveal your secret to the world! You’ll be washed up as a Crime Stopper.

GREEN RAY: I’m almost sorry you won’t live to regret that threat. This is the end of the line.

 

Both of us hold our breath for a second & louder over the motors we hear the tick-tick-tick to Detonation…

 

HORVATH: Back off from that bomb!

 

He smacks me one & pulls me in to our Fight to the Finish—every punch lands with the flat thud of a Baseball bat whacking a horsehair mattress & we hiss at each other in the clinches—

 

GREEN RAY: You’re the one who’s all washed up!

HORVATH: If I’m finished…so are you! We’re brothers you and me…Both of us live outside the Law…We act as we see fit in the world…to achieve our own ends!

GREEN RAY: The only thing…you peddle in this world…is filth! The stink of vanity and greed!

HORVATH: It’s a free country…And what do you do? You make life easy for the weaklings…Crybabies who need you to dig them out of their miserable jams…Pathetic peons who can’t look after themselves—they have to count on you!

GREEN RAY: I fight against wrong wherever I find it.

HORVATH: You keep them weak so they have to depend on you. One strong man from above! You want things that way! That’s how you like it!

 

Right here David Arcash expected me to give him my Line about this is going to be a much better world without him in it etc. & stand by for him to Taunt me in reply with his fine Line about the simple world to come when The Green Ray is no more—and KABLOOEY!—Leon can hit the button & the Bomb can blow us into the Past. Except my mind stumbled back from this Fatal Direction & instead of my written Line I said something else—

 

GREEN RAY: My purpose on Earth is defending the defenseless & helping the helpless! And you better believe I’ll be around to give them hope day after day—week after week!

 

David’s eyes rolled in his head and when they came back he aimed them at me very fierce. He had a personal Message for me which I decoded in a flash i.e. You jerk what do you think you’re doing putting me on the spot? Trying to make me look stupid? Step on my famous last words? Pay me back for some slight? For Annie’s sake is it?

Except I could not get across my genuine Motive to him by eye signals & while David tried to wrestle me back to the correct Lines in the Script Leon kept going with the Baseball bat over his head now & my next powerful punch split the seams of his horsehair mattress!

 

HORVATH: Are you blind? When that ticking stops you’re going to follow me into Oblivion!

 

I saw how he was trying to box me in but I fended him off by some quick thinking. A Strike of Lightning in my mind so I was in control of Events for once—

 

GREEN RAY: If I can…get my hand free…I can neutralize the detonator…with my Hand Blaster…

HORVATH: Your Blaster fell out of the plane! I saw it with my own eyes! Say good-bye to the world Green Ray—nothing can get you out of this!

 

Tick-tick-tick…

 

GREEN RAY: You forgot something Horvath…my Reserve blaster! If I can just…. Reach…the secret compartment…in my…boot…

 

Did he despise me in this instant! Did he go sour! Oh he was not going to continue this game of Tick-Tack-Toe nor he was not going to let me ruin his big Exit either. We are still on the Air and David yanks me over by my shirt & he bawls me out by such personal words!

 

DAVID: Enough already! This stupid stunt of yours is making it worse for everybody! It’s just complicating our lives! Act like a man dammit!

ME: Yeah? Well this man is fighting for his life! Is that simple enough for you?

 

All of his worries melted into the Air & the hate that clotted up his grim Expression drained out of his face & he played out this moment in his Mind for his own enjoyment before he played it on the Air. David was in control now for I fed it to him on a silver spoon—

 

HORVATH: It’ll be a simpler world without The Green Ray!

ME: No! Don’t—

HORVATH: Sing Fat Lady! Sing!

 

KABLOOEY! Leon triggered the Sound of a thunderstorm echoing 100 times over—plus a Earthquake destroying 10,000 cities—plus the molten Heart of the Earth cracking the surface & gushing out—it was a boiling cloud of noise that wiped every other Sound off the Air until it dropped down to a growl a rumble under Vaughan Cherry’s undertaker Voice.

 

ANNOUNCER: The still of this empty dawn is broken by the roar of a thousand volcanoes—the dark is shattered by the light of a thousand Suns. The ground trembles & recoils from a fantastic release of energy—as the demigod we knew by the name of The Green Ray disintegrates into the Atoms of his being…And for a single instant a pure green sheet of light flashes across the surface of the ocean from the horizon to the shore…For his final message blazes from the shadows to give hope to the hopeless just as he did before…The Green Ray lives on—yes!—the memory of his heroic deeds will remain on Earth as his voice mingles among the stars…And the green sea never shimmered so bright nor the night sky danced with so much light.

 

DA DOO DA DA DUM! DA DOO DA DA DOO! DOOM DOOM DUT DUT DUT DOOM! YOU HAVE JUST HEARD THE CONCLUDING EPISODE OF THE ADVENTURES OF THE GREEN RAY…YES LISTENERS HE MAY BE GONE BUT THE GREEN RAY LIVES ON IN 12 TOUGH WASHABLE PLASTIC STATUETTES AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY INSIDE SPECIALLY MARKED BOXES OF SPILLER’S HIGH ENERGY BUCKWHEAT BREAKFAST FLAKES! ASK YOUR MOM TO BUY SOME TODAY!

“Are you going back to the party?”

“What?”

Annie had a fragile smile saved up for me. “We didn’t get any chance to talk upstairs.”

“Looks like we’ll have something to talk about now.”

“I think it was brave what you did Ray.”

A knot of cramps twisted in my stomach therefore I handed her a dishonest excuse about how I had to sit down by myself somewhere & collect my Thoughts before I said my fond farewells. Not 100% dishonesty from me for as soon as Annie was in the elevator I went up by the stairs to the Executive Washroom. This place is not a fancy affair like you may expect it is only 2 exclusive Cubicles for maximum executive privacy. Pilgrim woodwork & brass hinges on the doors. And this I never saw anything similar before: frosted glass Splash Guards in front of the urinals so the Liberty V.I.P.s do not also have to worry about pee splashing on their alligator loafers.

As soon as I sat those cramps came out with a Personality of their own & folded me over double. The fumes of rotten juices poisoned my bowels. “Artie” McGovern does not pull his punches on fighting “bodily swamp gas” he instructs you should expel it pronto unless such Action will lead to Social embarrassment. Nor it is not healthy to flinch from Relief. “PAIN IS THE ALARM OF HARM”—! So as per expert advice I rubbed my lower stomach ready to Expel then right on the verge of it footsteps walked across the tile floor. The door on the other cubicle swung open & banged shut then came this Voice—

“Why shouldn’t I Well why not? Why the stinking hell—” Lamont Carruthers fighting a drunk argument with himself and losing.

On my side the pain got too sharp I had to relieve it. I let off a loud one P-P-P-THUUT!

“Who’s that? Who’s in there?” Lamont pounded on the partition.

“Me.”

“Green?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” A slow hiss from him which turned into a breathy sigh informed me he did not care if I could hear him he let one off louder than mine—H-H-HUUUUUUUUUH-THUT-THUT! “Aah,” he moaned. “That bastard’s ruined my health.”

“My stomach’s churned up too.”

“Yeah,” Lamont sympathized. “The end is nigh.” And one more fart speared into the toilet bowl. “Gad. Listen to that. He poisoned me don’tcha know.” Then I think I heard him sob.

“Are you usually regular Mr. Carruthers?”

“What?” He sniffed. “Like clockwork. Twice a week.”

“The experts say you ought to be moving your Bowels every 24 Hours. At least.”

“Move ’em where? Omaha?”

“They advise senna leaves.”

“Are you the world expert on other people’s bowel movements Green?” Another jet of rotten air breezed out of him. “Ooh! Bastard!”

I believe all barriers fall down in the Men’s Room & we can be men together honest & equal. Nor I did not hold anything back from here onward since both of us were in the same boat constipation-wise. Except I was not slobbering drunk on top of it.

“I wrote my stinking heart out on this one Green. They think they paid me off. Spiller and that jellyfish Silverstein.” THUUUUUUUUT! “Watched me type The End…and then…” PHUT-PHUT-PHUT! “…told me to empty out my desk. The End. Well…bull!”

My own cramps kicked & rolled over each other then I thought I must be spraying blood already—PHTHTSSSSS-SSSSSSS-SSSSS-HHUUUUUHSSSS!

“Hah! You said it! Nice one Green! Hah!” He laughed so hard he choked on it until a phlegmy cough rounded things off. I heard him spit. “I don’t have to apologize to anybody…for anything. I’m honest Green that’s my problem. Don’t lie to myself about the world & I won’t lie to anybody else about how things are. Some people you have to rub their noses in the truth for their own good.” He ground out a dry fart that died away like the groan of a small animal. “The truth’s always a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t you say?”

“That’s my experience.”

“You better believe it! The end is when all the truth comes out. That’s how you know it’s the end. I know what I know…”

“What do you know? What things Mr. Carruthers?”

“Ooh! Aah! A blade…of fire…’s going up me!”

I waited until I heard him breath regular again then I asked him very direct, “Do you know the reason…why they killed off The Green Ray?” He answered me by a moan. “Can you tell me why P. K. Spiller—”

“Ooh! That cheddar cheese gissum.”

“What about it? What about The Cheez Skweez?”

“Sonofabitch fed it to us…his human guinea pigs…aah! Ooh!” PHUUUTT-THUUUTTT! Very slow & word by word I asked Lamont my big question again. Somehow I broke through the fog of rum punch & he answered me somewhat sober. “He’s afraid,” Lamont warned me. “Afraid of The Green Ray. Every action’s got its equal and opposite reaction don’tcha know.”

“I don’t understand. Spiller is afraid of me? Why would Mr. Silverstein…”

He sang to himself, “Silverstein bone connected to de Spiller bone…de Spiller bone connected to de Liberty Broadcasting bone…Now hear de word of de Lord!”—PHUTTT-HHHUUUUUUUSS-THUTTT—“That’s a gasser!”—THUT—“Better. I feel much better.” And he went into a heavy silence which he only shook off to blurt strange sayings like, “Gravity is my sweetheart…Ooh! She’s my mortal enemy…” Also, “I gave my typewriter to Mrs. Shapiro…” Also, “Science is the king of knowledge!”

I tapped my fingers on the wood. “Are you all right?”

“Gad,” Lamont said. “I feel terrible. Have to clean myself out. Empty it out of me before I fade into yesteryear. Green?”

“I’m still here.”

“I’m going to tell you where you come from!”

“Me?”

“The Green Ray.” Then Lamont said, “Truth is I got the idea out of the National Geographic. Read about how when the sun sets in certain latitudes under certain conditions right at the exact second it sinks under the horizon—if you watch it then you can see the surface of the ocean turn bright green. Supposed to appear there like a sheet of green ice that melts as soon as you see it. How d’you like that—as if looking at it makes it melt.”

“There really is such a thing?”

“They don’t make things up in the National Geographic! I’m not lying to you Green. Based on fact. Absolutely. Scientific fact. I base the episodes on facts. That’s what scares him. I told him if he wants somebody to help him broadcast a comic book he can find himself another boy. I said it to him at the beginning. I meant ’em then & I never stopped meaning ’em. Don’t threaten ME! he said. You think I can seal my integrity in a safe deposit box? My artistic integrity I’m talking about Green. Seal it in a tin can bank account and take it out for Christmas when it’s convenient for everybody? Well I want to be stinking inconvenient! Ain’t be difficult! he says. Every time I want to interject a little intellectual verve. You hear me?”

“Verve.”

“Verve! That’s it! Pep up the dog vomit with a few serious ideas. A little gravity.” Lamont let one go it sounded like his rear end sputtered out the word HOCKEY-PUCK. “I’ll tell you a fact about William Shakespeare. He was a popular entertainer in his time just like I am today. His competition was bear baiting. Mine’s Fibber McGee and Molly. Look at Hamlet. What’s the story? Revenge. Don’tcha know. A thrilling revenge story with murder for a motive and a sword fight for the big finish. The gravity? The poetry? That sonofabitching genius sneaks it in while everybody’s wondering when that bastard king is going to get it in the neck! I’ll tell you what Green—if William Shakespeare was alive today he’d be writing radio shows.”

“You mean he’s taking us off the air because he doesn’t like your scripts anymore?”

“P. K. Spiller couldn’t tell a quality script from a manhole cover. What he doesn’t like is the idea of The Green Ray hounding him. What’s Lamont going to dig up next week? What other ghost of my past gets exposed? He didn’t know how far I’d go.”

“You let me get blown to smithereens. I disintegrated tonight. You went that far.”

“Don’t be a whiner. It’s a beautiful way to go.”

“I still don’t know why I had to go at all.”

“Oh brother!” Lamont snapped. “His revenge! Revenge makes the world go round! It’s the only motive there is. Ownership is the revenge of dependence. Science is the revenge of confusion. Love is the revenge of loneliness. And vice versa. Around and around. Since the earliest times Green it’s recorded in the Bible. What’s the big mystery? A swift kick in the balls—that’s the revenge for telling the truth.”

“My balls just got in the way is that right?”

“You were my mouthpiece.” He dropped his Voice down low exhausted & faint. “They still perform the works of William Shakespeare but mine just get flushed into outer space. Radio waves vibrating out there forever. For the mutants on Mars to tune in.”

Out of kind Consideration a person might say all is not lost even if he does not believe it is true for giving Comfort repays a person with Comfort the same. “I don’t know how else to make a living,” I confessed & gave Lamont the chance to comfort me but he did not reply. “I look into the future & I’m scared to death I’ll end up living on handouts in a rundown neighborhood somewhere. My apartment’s going to be a lonely place. Where I sit in my underwear all day in a chair in the middle of the living room and I cut out paper dolls or do crossword puzzles for entertainment. I eat dinner out of tin cans. And tubes. I don’t know who my neighbors are. Mr. Carruthers? I’ll think back to this exact conversation and wonder if I’m living my life backwards. A big success in the beginning & I wind up in a heap at the end. Is there only one way to go from a pinnacle? Down and down. What scares me is this feeling I can’t think of a good reason to live anymore.”

His Voice of Experience leaked in under the cubicle door. “Yes…I think that’s very…depressing. Yes. Very…bleak,” he said & I could barely hear him.

Everybody decides on his own personal Solution to his troubles and I heard by the firm way he flushed the toilet Lamont made his Mind up what he was going to do.

“Good-bye Green. I miss you already.”

“Good-bye Mr. Carruthers. I’ll miss you too.”

He left the hot water running hard & over the foaming noise of it I heard Lamont hum the music of The Green Ray. “Think they can give me the air. I’ll take the air when & where I want! I’ll show ’em fear in a handful of dust la-dee-doo-dah. ET cetera! You hear me Green?”

“I do.”

“Remember—he who doesn’t remember the past is doomed to forget it.” His footsteps clicked away with him mumbling curses at P. K. Spiller.

Lamont’s sad words returned to my ears—his good-bye & his curses his anger & his disappointment his high belief in Revenge. And a Red Alarm bell went off in my skull. What if I pushed him into a Drastic idea by all my bleak talk about the only way off a pinnacle is Down etc.—!

I ran down the stairs I sprinted into the Executive Dining Room nor I was not too late to see Lamont standing on the marble window seat with a fresh glass of rum punch in his unsteady hand. “And another thing ladies & gentlemen…” Lamont uncoiled his finger & aimed it like a Death Ray straight at P. K. Spiller’s chest. “He’s a damned imposter! This man wears a damn corset!”

“Come down from there Lamont,” Spiller urged him very no-nonsense.

“It’s not a corset anyway,” Ethel Spiller let him & everybody else know. “It’s a back brace.”

“For my next trick,” Lamont slurred, “I will reveal the truth about Professor Lionel Horvath. He’s—”

“Enough Lamont!”

“Somebody help him down.”

“Somebody shut him up.”

Nobody made any move toward him not even Howard Silverstein who stationed himself next to Mrs. Spiller. He kept his arms folded & hid his inner thoughts behind a patient smile & his eyes locked stiff on Lamont.

“He is…he’s…that greedy backstabber…that plundering pirate…that Black Market wartime profiteer…Meet his secret identity! Don’t be shy P.K.! Step up onstage and take a bow!” Lamont clapped his hands very limp & feeble a few times and when it looked like he was going on with his Speech a few of the Liberty V.I.P.s started clapping louder to drown him out. “Did you know ladies & gents…did you know that is…are you aware of the fact…” Now the Liberty wives joined in & giggled very silly at each other but Lamont raised his Voice above them all. “P. K. SPILLER DID NOT MAKE HIS MONEY BY SELLING BOXES OF DRY CEREAL! I’LL TELL YOU WHERE HIS FORTUNE CAME FROM—”

The clapping dwindled down & Spiller’s angry words Halted the rest. “That’s enough Lamont!”

“More than enough,” Ethel chimed in.

Lamont did not even soften his Voice for the quiet room. “NO—IT’S NOT ENOUGH OF ENOUGH! THIS DECENT MAN HERE USED TO BE THE BIGGEST BOOTLICKER—SORRY—BOOTLEGGER ON THE EAST COAST!” Then he spoke very polite to P.K. himself, “Why did all the whores at the Blue Moon call you Screwdriver? Or maybe I should ask Ethel. Well Ethel?” He tottered sideways & sloshed his drink.

“Make him stop Poppy,” was Ethel’s sob.

By this heartfelt plea she spurred her Hubby into action & Spiller made a grab for Lamont’s sleeve—Lamont jerked back out of his Reach then he held on to the brass window latch whereby he straightened himself up. Howard tugged Spiller away from the Excitement but he kept on barking at Lamont until his chubby face went dark red & his neck inflated he was squealing at him, “Tell everybody about you Lamont! Where’d he find you in ’29? You square peg! You ingrate!”

“In the stinking gutter. Oh sure! I’m not ashamed of it either. Taught me a permanent lesson that fateful day. When I lost my security—some security!—in the Crash. Found out everything I needed to know about…”—he sneered this at the whole crowd—“…human nature.”

“Who got you back on your feet? Tell them,” ordered P.K. “Go on you miserable misfit! Who gave you a job?”

“Driving a truck! You took advantage of my circumstances. Don’tcha know! I’m college educated you crumb! By Jesuits! And folks he lets me drive his beer wagons back & forth across the Canadian border for $35.50 a week.”

“And a Christmas bonus,” Spiller snarled very insulted.

“Oh yes. Pardon me, right. I don’t know how I would’ve made it to New Year’s without those 12 extra bucks in my wallet. I learned a lot from you P.K.”

“You never learned a blessed thing from me Lamont.”

“Not as much as I did from Karl Marx.” Every mouth in the room hushed up quiet as a clam & not so happy. “From V.I. Lenin…Uncle Joe Stalin…and Kropotkin!” Lamont bellowed this name across the dining room & shocked the Executive wives practically to Tears. “Matushka Russia! V’period! How do you like them red apples Howard?”

“You’re sick in the head,” Silverstein diagnosed him, “and I pity you. I just pity you to death.”

“Likewise. And here’s a little tidbit left over especially for you. I put oodles of Commie propaganda in every episode I wrote. In every episode you approved. Something’s there. Showing up the rotten foundations of this stinking company and this stinking society. My messages of hope that he”—Lamont singled me out—“Young Ray Green there sang out with such fellow feeling to the lumpen American radio public. My messages of hope!”

“Oodles.” Silverstein frowned.

“Oodles and oodles. You think about it in bed tonight.”

“I think we’ve heard all we want to from you Lamont.”

“AND ANOTHER THING…” Lamont Carruthers mowed down the whole gathering with a sweep of his arm. “Say good-bye to exploitation of the wage slave! The days of fat cats hitching a free ride on the Gravy Train are coming to a goddamned fiery end!”

“We can rush him,” Spiller proposed.

“Oh fine!” Lamont leaned back & gave out with a Daredevil laugh. “Bring on the police—the blunt instrument of the oppressors of the masses…! The streets will run red with the blood of capitalist exploiters!” Then the window latch clicked & he thumped his chest. “This machine kills Fascists!”

I know I cried his name out I shrieked it from a few feet away & I know I got a grip on his ankle with both of my arms wrapped around him before I felt Lamont teeter backward. I squeezed my eyes shut & held on for his dear Life when I heard the window sigh open but I will not testify I felt him fall out. My memory of the moment AND I WAS THE CLOSEST PERSON TO HIM was Lamont pushed himself through it he pushed himself so I could not stop him. I clutched very hard & tight with the wind whistling in around my ears where I kneeled under the freezing window seat. I still had Lamont’s wooden leg standing in my arms and the window was slapping in & out like a loose sail. It was Ethel Spiller who stepped in & forced it shut then after she did that she pulled me free from the leg and all Pandemonia broke out.

 

Furthermore I honestly Regret I was the last person out of there since I never got the chance to say Good-Bye to others who were near to me in that time no matter what the circumstances. To Bernhardt Grym & Annie LaSalle. To Leon Kern & Mr. Burrows. To David Arcash & Howard Silverstein. You must say something when things finish between Friends the same as a Funeral i.e. words do not change the Sad Fact but they settle it permanent in your Mind.

A unhappy shock was all lined up & waiting for me on the newsstands in the Station. The morning edition of every newspaper & right on the front page of the New York Times was guess what yes it was a photograph of Lamont lying facedown in a pond of blood as if he fell asleep & drowned in it. This photo was snapped by the great Weegee & it became very famous by its own rights. More famous than Lamont Carruthers & more than The Green Ray. I even saw it in a special edition of Life Magazine they brought out 20 years ago & if I look at it now it moves my Heart the same. I preserved that issue around here somewhere I think it is in the pile inside the bathroom.

 

I claim Amelia Vasquez is my Dearly Beloved Wife! I base it on the Act of Love between us which occurred right after I soothed Dolores in her Asthma Attack. What do I need a Law from somewhere to make it official? It all came very Natural this time on both parts i.e. no nerves no jitters before during or after. This qualifies as Genuine I believe. I can not testify Amelia loved me to the exact degree anyway I can not tell the difference for I am missing the Experience in this area to compare.

This is 5 days ago I am telling about here.

Usually I do not wake up very early in the Morning by my Nature I am a night owl & anything before 10 A.M. is a mystery to me. Except this A.M. in question I opened my eyes & looked at the clock it said thereabout 7:00. Maybe it was the knot of Cramps in my stomach from the undigested Tequila plus all the jumping around in the bedroom with my wife Amelia that changed my sleep routine. My Mental condition I will describe it was very calm because I belonged somewhere i.e. right there with Amelia & Dolores. Even if such a thrill enters a person’s Life closer to the end & not the beginning it is just as strong it urges him Contemplate the Future and Look forward to new experience even the hard times ahead because you will be there side by side.

At that hour Amelia’s side was not by my side I lay in bed on my ownsome. The Sounds of the outside world seeped in on me they woke me further. The tea kettle wheezing a high note in the kitchen & there was Mexican music playing on the Radio out there too. I smelled burnt toast. But I did not get out of bed no I lay there contemplating for a few Minutes. Being alone I learn can be a very Endearing thing if a person knows it is only temporary. If he knows all he has to do is walk to the other room & there she is the woman he knows so intimate who knows him likewise. This is a Endearing Moment this is a rare sensation in my experience & I am glad I encountered it finally.

Here I account for my Actions between then & 7 A.M. the next morning October 7 1989. I hope you will agree how my Story conforms to every physical fact—

I did not loll around I turned left from the bedroom door & another left to the kitchen. First I thought Amelia does not have the know-how or the knack of making breakfast! You know the old joke of the Bride who can not boil a hard-boiled egg etc. but that is what I saw on the stove—a dry pan with a couple of eggs in it & the eggshells scorched black. The boiling water in the kettle whistling Dixie at the top of its lungs & the burned toast a fire hazard clogging the toaster.

Amelia did not come out from anywhere when I called her name neither did Dolores. The back door was open & this time I got the message I was alone in the house. It was no picnic this moment a chill like a boa constrictor twisted around me very tight. This minute your Life is going this direction & something happens & a minute later you are facing some other way. Before it was this After it is that. And a person has to move or else he sinks in the Quicksand of the Moment.

I did not sink I went out the back door. The Footprints all over the dirt around the patio looked like a Arthur Murray dancing lesson say the Apache or the Tango. In the middle of them I found Amelia’s nightshirt & all the buttons torn off also torn around the collar. Out of the mess of Footprints a trail of them went up the hill behind her house into the shrubs & bushes. I followed them like a bloodhound.

It punched a hole in my stomach it tore me in half the sight I ran into the shock of it choked the Breath out of me. Amelia lying on her back all naked & her head in the broken branches on the bush where they threw her. Her eyes were open she stared at nothing like she was paralyzed in a hypnotic trance or trying to remember where she was or what comes next. Or stunned open by her last sight which was Nilo’s fat face while he was dragging her by her pretty nightshirt. Nilo’s lardy arms & legs around her to pin her down with one hand over her mouth & the other one squeezing her throat. Amelia helpless in his power.

Dolores I did not find not head nor tail.

I do not know when Amelia died I can not note the exact time of demise. By my calculations it is between 6 A.M. and 6:45 A.M. October 6 1989. It was Nilo who strangled her to death but I accuse John Newberry it was his Invisible Hand which deprived me of my Love.

“Ooh-hoo…Oooh-hoo!” I cried over her I slumped down on my knees by her side. “Ooh-hoo!” I kissed her face I patted her hand & I cradled her but it did not change anything. You can not bring the Dead back by your Love nor you can not by physical methods either when they are gone let go of them do not cling. I feel Death is something you can not affect by mind over Matter so what is the point. Amen.

Automatic behavior took over then I did not linger & mourn I ran back inside I was thinking of Dolores. What if she was a Eyewitness to this crime? In my state of high emotion I went all over the house in every room I searched for her. I was not ready to believe the Obvious i.e. Dolores was gone too because look how she walked in the front door that time. This time she did not escape to safety I had to swallow this repulsive fact.

From the bedroom closet I took out Amelia’s favorite clothes her flowery shirt & her white dress with the parrots on it to bury her in. In there I smelled her Fragrance in the Air around me a few molecules of Amelia that still remain on Earth. I believe they contain the memory of our Dear Moments or else where do they go? Dissolved in a vacuum? Let me call it 20 Minutes I stood there & breathed her in from her shirt.

By the Evidence I believe Nilo only stayed long enough to get Amelia out of the house & kidnap Dolores. He did not Ransack the rooms he did not steal her jewels nor he did not look for John Newberry’s love letters. I found those valuable belongings where I left them—the bracelets & rings etc. in the straw suitcase I wedged behind the toilet & the Love Letters inside my pants folded in half. And my Snubnose .38 in there too plus the bullets in my back pocket.

Here is how I buried Amelia.

I dressed her I brushed her hair I washed her face & hands. I dug a grave next to the place she died so I did not disturb her further. You can find her & bury her correct by Catholic customs I did not say any Prayer at the time I was too upset & exhausted from digging. She is still there as far as I know. I collected rocks until 3 P.M. it took me many hours to carry over enough of them to mark Amelia’s grave & build it into a decent Tomb. You will find her jewels in with her all of them except a gold ring which I am wearing for my Wedding Band. The rest is buried treasure & I include my dear Amelia in this description.

A Scorpion crawled out of the pile of rocks over Amelia. It sat on the back of my hand it did not try & sting me it just sat. I know there is a natural explanation but I do not want to hear it. Do not quote me Insect Behavior in a hot temperature la-dee-doo-dah etc. I believe it is beyond it is connected to something higher. This little living creature which means something in particular to Amelia being by the Zodiac a Scorpio came to me in the exact minute I was thinking so tender of her so I say maybe the Zodiac is not altogether boloney. It could be the way a person is connected to the Stars so what so Dr. Nobel Prize did not discover the scientific terms for it yet. The smartest Neanderthal did not know about Electricity!

As soon as the scorpion crawled off me I went back inside to pick up my weapons to pursue Justice. I took Newberry’s sacred love letters & I loaded the bullets into my gun then I sealed my solemn Pledge—I aimed over my head & fired off a shot so that is how the bullet hole got into Amelia’s kitchen ceiling. “Now I am dangerous!” I yelled this as if Newberry could hear my Voice wherever he was. Then I was prepared since I heard exactly how loud this gun Sounds when it goes off so I will not be nervous about the noise I will not hesitate when I have to shoot it again. At 4 P.M. I walked out of Amelia’s house in Tres Osos. The only plan clear in my mind was I had to pursue John Newberry & reap Havoc.

I have got my own Personal Theory Of Relativity. In specific here it is:

A minute late or early in many Spheres will cause a different End Product entirely. The Sphere of Buses is a perfect example of my P.T.O.R. in action. The bus going to Juarez was waiting at the bottom of the hill when I came down parked there like it was waiting to carry me to my Rendezvous With Destiny. A gust of wind kicked up the dust of the road & somewhere on the other side of the ragged red cloud swirling in front of me the rattling motor of that old bus choked & growled so I ran for it. Ran & missed!

Here is where Relativity comes in. If I caught that bus by the time I got to my destination Newberry’s gunsels would be on Red Alert on the lookout. The shoeshine boy—the little girl selling postcards of Virgin Mary—the Redcap—it could be anybody he employs they spot me & my strive for Justice is over. The beauty part of missing that Juarez bus was it turned it into my temporary decoy & bought me time to think.

The dust uncurtained the long stretch of empty road ahead a long walk also a Opportunity to iron out the lumps of my new Plan.

PLAN A—1

1. Sneak across the Border (puts me near Azalea N.M.)
2. By bus get to my Apartment + shower + nap
3. Hide Newberry’s Love Letters in a box in the bank
4. Track J.N. down & advise him I possess his valuable possessions
5. Force him by this Knowledge to surrender & turn himself in

By a walk 10 Hours I got close enough to throw a rock across the U.S. Border. Also I was covered in dirt from head to toe & my sweaty clothes did not help me portray a man who Means Business. But this miserable appearance was to my advantage since the rags & grime disguised my Gringo identity. I was Mr. Anonymous in the Mexican crowd so I drank beers & ate tortillas like a Native on the back porch of a Cantina.

The cook came out & sat beside me & lit a cigarette. Very polite he offered me one but I am a 100% Non-Smoker so I refused it by a charming smile. He pulled hard on his smoke then let it out slow & steady it was like breathing fresh Air to him. He smiled & nodded then he said a few words to me but I can not tell you which words exactly since they were in Mexican. I smiled at what he was telling me & nodded some more. So he kept the Conversation Ball rolling. I knew it was a question from him by the way his Voice went up at the end of it.

“Mm,” I said & nodded.

“Claro,” he nodded back.

“Claro,” I agreed with his point.

He made sure the coast was clear by a glance in the screen door of the Cantina & took out a bottle from under his apron. Before he opened it he stubbed out his cigarette in the dirt he made a big production out of it wiggling his fingers over the bottle to portray leaping flames.

Another glance behind us then he held the bottle up so the light shined through it. He shook it & tapped the bottom to show me something inside. I will tell you what & you will not believe me but my hand to God what he wanted me to appreciate was a dead worm. A dead worm curled up on the bottom of the bottle! So I am going to drink something that is a Fire Hazard plus it kills insects plus this drink is on top of the beers & tortillas I had already.

So he wiped the bottle with a corner of his apron & passed me my honorary drink. “Mm,” I appreciated it and he was on the verge of getting frantic so I did swallow a gulp. It burned my gums! It tasted like carpet cleaner! His hand patted me on my back since I was doubled over coughing and between gulps he tells me, “Ssh! Ssh!” I grab his hand so I do not fall off the porch nor he does not interpret this in the correct way he gives me another drink. I did not lose so much down my chin & inside my mouth it was numb so I hardly felt the bug juice go down. A couple of grinning idiots there teeter-tottering on the edge of those steps!

“Muy bien,” he grins at me.

The only other part I remember was I learned how to sing all the words of the song Guantanamera in the original language. Another secret unlocked!

On the last time through the chorus I was singing by myself in the dark outside the back door of the Cantina. The only light anywhere was a streetlight on the other side of the road so I aimed myself for that. Since nobody was around to hamper me further this was the perfect time to sneak out of Mexico.

In that stretch the Border is just a chain-link fence that runs right through the desert only loose rocks & low bushes scattered around that area. Look how I returned to my Native Land by crawling through a hole in the fence! A mathematical fact is a man averagely walks at the speed of 4 M.P.H. even a man 73 years old walking in the Desert at night woozy from beer & bug juice. American soil was under my feet again & on this side of the line American was the lingo everybody spoke & I could speak it perfect. Anybody asks me could I name all the Baseball teams in both leagues I could answer. I know 10 Dimes make 1 Dollar & likewise 20 Nickels 100 Pennies or 4 Quarters.

Also it was Enemy Territory for hate guided me across there to ruin John Newberry. When a person has such a strong Intention pushing him on his body can stand up to all kinds of Torture. I did not feel the blisters on my feet nor I did not feel my wobbly knees. You can go beyond your Limits & a few hours later I am walking 4 Miles further in the dark so by this time I can hardly pick my feet up a inch off the ground. By my watch I went 4 Miles in 2 Hours give or take so my average speed dropped down to 2 M.P.H. but I was on my knees from Relief since my goal was so close!

What mighty hand had a grip on me until there let go of me it left me crumpled on the ground. All of my Strength poured out of me & every Pain poured in—the bones in my legs splitting under my Skin & my arches aching—my stomach with a bag of nails rolling around inside it—the Muscles in my back frayed apart like rotten rope—and worst of all is the Sound of my own crying my face in the dirt crying for Amelia who I lost—dry tears stuck in my throat I cried for her all of the Tears I had in me.

If I fell asleep at that time I will say it was 5:10 A.M. so it was circa 6 A.M. when they woke me up by a kick in my ribs from the sharp toe of a cowboy boot.

“Habla Ingles?” A kick in my armpit. “Habla Ingles amigo?”

I rolled over to look up. A man in a neat baby blue suit is standing by my head & his friend by my feet I believe he was wearing tan or fawn. One of those two or beige.

He said, “You speak English?”

The other one kicked me again. “He means you Pablo.”

“Huh?” My reply.

“It made a noise Terry.”

“Sounds like it’s trying to talk.”

“Kick it again.”

His boot landed between my shoulder blades it made me suck a Breath & sit up.

“Get on your feet,” Terry said down to me but I did not move fast enough. “Tell him to get up Curtis.”

Curtis ducked his head out of the Sun & ordered me in Mexican what I had to do. He is a older gentleman with so many lines in his face it looks like a fingerprint. So what so Newberry did not think I was a big enough danger & he sent his 2nd String Reserves off the bench to stop me? Let him get the Surprise of the Week! “You have to help me up,” I said & lifted my arms a little.

They each grabbed one & yanked. “You been running greasers over the border you sonofabitch?” Curtis shook me left & right.

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” Terry added as if it was a personal insult to him. ‘You walked into a world of trouble.”

Curtis took over & shook me again to get my attention. “This is the last mistake of your career buddy. You been stopped for good.”

“Not for good,” I said. ‘I know what for.”

They walked me over to their Jeep. Terry asked me, “Your dick work like a white man’s?” He was not interested in my answer he turned around to Curtis. “Go get this on the radio. I’ll take care of this trash from here.”

In the back of the car on the floor they had a Mexican boy trussed up by nylon rope. Curtis let somebody on the other end of his Radio know that the Citizens Patrol from Azalea just picked up another offender & he gave my Description. Of course Newberry! Let them do your dirty work & get rid of me the same way they took care of those Muchachos before! Terry pulled a pair of Regulation handcuffs off his belt. “Let’s see ’em.”

“Absolutely,” I said & I punched him in the guts & I shoved him out of my way & I ran. Clumping around the bushes & rocks etc. I am no gazelle but I got a big lead on him before Terry was puffing behind me. The Jeep revved up & roared down on me like the Cavalry—

So I cut a corner behind a rock a sharp turn the car could not make so he circled around the other side & stopped. I was the Matador! I zigged & zagged out of their sight for a minute or two I outsmarted them, I doubled back & they whooshed past me on the other side of the bushes trying to run me over! Every time I turned around I heard them whooping it up & the Mexican boy cheering me when he went by—in the dust the Jeep splashed into the air I did not see them coming until they were on me—they got me going back & forth like a fly in a bottle!

Nor I did not have the speed or breath to run around anymore then a Accident came to my rescue. I took a step & I dropped backward into a Ravine I dropped out of sight down a soft slope.

“Where’s he at Curt?”

“Don’t see him. It’s crazy.”

“Try down over there.”

The Jeep turned around & came back it stopped at the edge of my Ravine the front bumper hanging over. Terry jumped out of the car I heard his footsteps run in my direction. “Bet he’s down here somewheres. I can smell him.” He slipped down the loose slope about a car length from where I crouched. “Here boy!” he was calling for me. “Here Greasy-Greasy-Greasy!” He whistled for me too. Wiseguy.

I backed up behind a bend in the rock if I reached my arm out I could knock off his Baseball cap but I let him find me instead. With my gun pointing between his eyes. “Here I am,” I rewarded him.

“Whoa!”

“You find him Terry?”

“Yuh,” Terry said. “He’s got a gun Curtis.”

“What kind?”

“The kind that’s pointing at my head!”

“Tell your friend not to come down here,” I said as calm as I could. “Tell him to stay where he is.”

“I’m coming down!” Curtis warned us.

“Don’t do that!” Terry shouted & the next Sound we heard was Curtis throwing himself down into the Ravine & hitting the bottom maybe a little faster than he wanted to.

“I’m all right Terry,” he huffed out.

“Stay back there!” Then to me Terry said, “Now what?”

“Nobody has to get hurt,” I said. “Almost nobody.”

“What’s the deal then? You planning to take me prisoner?” A jumpy smile propped up the corner of his mouth.

“Sit on the ground there.” He did. “Cross your legs. And put your hands in your pockets. Your pants pockets.” He did that too. The side of the ravine was a lot steeper where we were & it took me a minute to find a toehold also I had to pull myself up practically by my fingertips with the gun in my other hand then all stretched out I was still a long reach from the top. “Uh-oh.” I must have said this out loud because that was Terry’s cue to Attack.

He let loose his war cry. “I got him Curt!”

“Let go of me! Let go of my leg!” I shook him off & pointed the nozzle of the gun & he backed off but he coiled down ready to attack me again. It did not take a killer instinct to notice I was balancing up there by my toes & fingertips and all Terry had to do was wait for me to land in his lap.

Then Curtis sprang & jumped into the action. “Yaaaah!”

And I slipped down on top of both gunsels so there we are in a pile with the gun in the dirt a arm’s reach away.

“His gun’s down!”

“You see it?”

“Get the bastard! Get it!”

This tangled mess rolling around 6 arms & 6 legs wrestling grabbing kicking pulling also reaching for my gun so slippery it might as well be made out of soap! Arms legs hands & feet springing out in every direction with grunts & curses in the middle of them—I am in a sandwich between those men Terry’s bony chest & cowboy buckle pressing my head into Curtis’s potbelly then I stretch out my legs very quick & kick the .38 by both feet so nobody can grab it. Even in such a desperate fight I did not expect anybody was going to bite me in the thigh but when Terry sunk his teeth in my Natural Reflexes took over & my foot swung & hit him in the face. He roared & rolled off me so I crouched on my knees in Victory—

Right before I see Curtis scoop my gun in his mitt & cock it with his thumb. “O.K. Paco. You’re finished. You’re over you bastard.”

Against my own Moral Rules I stoop to his level & fight dirty. I put my hands over my head. “Uncle,” I say & give him a surprise kick with all my Might between his legs. On his way down I twisted the revolver off him then aimed it at Terry nor I did not have to speak a word of warning. He sat still where he was he did not make a False Move he let me go.

“Amigo! Hey you! Hey!” The Mexican boy shouts at me from the Jeep. He spread his fingers as far as he could stretch them & he shook his ropes so furious he made the car bounce.

I am sorry to report I was running away from there with his last Hey You! Ringing in my ears but I have a good excuse: Dire consequences for Dolores if I lose any more time! I beg you on my knees you do not think I turned my back on a defenseless cry of Help. I hope you will agree with me it was the desperate circumstances that prevented me this time.

I did not know how far I had to run through the blurry haze of heat waves & reach the safe streets of Azalea but I heard the Jeep speed down toward my back then & I did not turn around & measure which was closer my feet kept going. Until the sight that hit me stopped me cold instead it came rushing in to greet me—a chain-link Fence between me & the street beyond only it was not Azalea on the other side it was Juarez! What happened was when it felt like I was on my way home I was on my way 4 Hours going around in a Circle. Yesterday the same as Today.

I sagged against the fence there I hung on to it like a fished-up drowning man nor I did not look behind me I heard the Jeep run over the rocks & bushes & hit the flat ground in the open—a few more yards & the front bumper was going to crush me in the spine. How’s that for a pitiful Finish! My thought went to Dolores how I failed her so terrible.

Those heavy wheels rumbled the ground I heard them spin & skid I smelled hot rubber I smelled the friction—I heard the PUNCH of glass breaking—I heard the CRUNCH of metal crumpling & the motor whine & rev high—this is how my Death sounds—a spray of gravel & dirt fanned around me the only Sound I heard was my own Heartbeat & my last Breath sigh out of me. And I heard a pair of car doors crack open.

“Cover it!”

“On it!”

“Cover it Nilo!”

One ugly surprise after another. A perfect description of what met my eyes when I turned around i.e. a shotgun aiming at me & that bullethead Nilo behind the trigger.

“Not him!” Wayne Feather slapped the hood of his Buick & aimed a finger over at Curtis & Terry. “Those geniuses in the Jeep.”

Nilo slid the shotgun over the top of the car to where he had them in his Sights. This did not stop Curtis from pushing & pulling on his door to get it open but the big dent where Wayne rammed into him locked it Solid. “Just sit tight,” Nilo told him so Curtis belted the steering wheel before he settled down.

On his way over to me Wayne bent down in front of his fender to take a look at the smashed headlight. He brushed the loose glass out of the squinted metal socket & he showed me the same Tender Care. “Are you all right Ray?” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Break anything?”

“He’s got my gun!” Terry shouted over.

Very polite Wayne said to me, “I’ll have to take it O.K.?”

“It’s not his.” I reached in my pocket I started to pull the revolver out then Wayne’s fingers went around my wrist & he pulled my hand out the rest of the way. He emptied all the bullets on the ground & he singled out the empty one. “I shot a hole in Amelia’s ceiling.”

He kicked the good bullets under the fence & dropped the used one in his shirt pocket. He patted my arm in a warm way & said, “Tough guy.”

This is going on & Curtis gives out with a priceless piece of Information about yours truly. “He ain’t a greaser we found out.”

“Right,” Nilo said, “he’s a kike.”

Wayne patted me again & tilted his head toward Nilo. “Ignore him.” He rested his foot on the front bumper I believe he wanted Curtis to see the gun in the holster on his ankle. “We’re just not going to tolerate much more of this. Albuquerque’s about ready to set fire to my butt over your Citizens Patrol. Tell you the truth you’re getting to be more trouble than you’re worth.”

Terry spoke up then, “What you call this?” He grabbed that Mexican boy by his hair. “We’re doin’ your damn job!”

Wayne glanced at Nilo & Nilo shook his head. “I want you to wait here,” Wayne told them, “and hand that illegal over to the proper custody of the Border Patrol.”

“How long we got to wait?”

“Long’s it takes for somebody to get here,” Nilo obliged.

Wayne led me by my arm to his car. “Let’s get you back to civilization huh Ray?”

Nor I was not going to be alone on this ride because I saw somebody else was sitting in the backseat. A Mexican gentleman very clean groomed in slacks & a red-checked shirt. Not even a sweat stain on it. “Nilo,” said Wayne, “why don’t you sit in the back? Let Ray sit up front by the air conditioner.”

“With him?” Nilo meant the Mexican a living insult.

“Be a man about it.”

Nilo swung the end of his shotgun into the car & waved it in the man’s face. “Boom!” He laughed out loud. The Mexican gent laughed too. Wayne just rolled his eyes.

We drove back by the Border Road & headed for the highway. “Where are we going?” I inquired.

“Where do you want to go?” replied Wayne.

“Home. Pecan Street.”

“Oh. Thought you wanted to go someplace else first.”

“Here’s O.K.” Nilo was looking out the back window when he said this.

We peeled off from the Road and I believe we stopped somewhere between Juarez and Azalea where there was no traffic. Wayne reached back over the seat. “Gimme that thing Nilo.”

Nilo said, “I’ll do it.”

“Right. You do it.”

I will say I did not get very teary I did not tremble I got Angry. How I let them drive me to my Doom before my time. I did not think of Dolores then nor I did not think of my apartment. I did not think of how I got there nor I did not think of why is he doing this to me. Then my Anger it Fled. This would be my Last Thought on Earth:

At least I know how The Story of My Life ends up!

Not like a Heart Attack sneaking up & taking me by Surprise—at the most important time of my Life I am not in the dark. (Which was not my ABSOLUTE Last Thought. To be honest it was I wonder if it hurts very bad getting shot in the head by a shotgun.) So I was on the brink of Life & Death for the second time in the same day which I am sure is some kind of a Record.

Then I was in the dark. “What’s that? What are you doing?”

“We’ll get back on the road real soon Ray,” Wayne said to calm me down.

“It’s just a blindfold,” Nilo cooed in my ear & yanked the knot very hard against the back of my head. “For your own benefit.”

“Sure it is.”

“Orders from on high,” Wayne said & hit the gas.

Look how it can be Normal & Decent to all appearances and Perversion & Lies indoors. John Newberry’s house has a kidney-shape asphalt driveway in front & a concrete porch by the front door & a white-painted rail around it. Like the house across the street also the houses on both sides of the bungalow type very boxy & square they put them up in the 1950s I will guess. I stood at the door & rang the doorbell like I was a Fuller Brush Salesman. Newberry answered me from inside I should come right in & I found him in the kitchen. He had a frilly apron on & he waved a spatula. “I’m making breakfast. You want some coffee & a few pancakes? A couple of eggs?”

“I don’t think so.” My speech all ready to go about Amelia & Dolores why did they have to Suffer by his hands boiled down to this: “I feel like hell.”

“You look like hell,” he said very chipper.

“That’s how I feel.”

A egg juggler now a egg in each hand. “Sunny-side up? Scrambled? Poached?”

“One minute Amelia’s alive then the next minute she’s dead.” I raised my shaky Voice louder. “You know that?”

“Ssh!” His finger flew to his lips. “You want to take a shower or something?” he invited me & set plates on the table & a cereal bowl. “Why don’t you sit down before you fall on the floor Ray. Tell me what happened. What’s your version? That’s what I want to hear. Come on. Sit.” He arranged the chair for me.

I hid my dirty hands under the table not only dirt either there was dried Blood on my arms. “I’ve had a terrible couple of days.”

“I know.” Newberry cracked the eggs in the frying pan. “I’ll scramble them with a little butter. It’ll be easier on your stomach.” He stirred them around. “Nobody touched you did they?”

“Your gunsels ran me into a wire fence.” I raised my arms. “Does that count?”

He slid the pan off the stove & came over to me very concerned. “Hey you don’t want to get infected,” he said & turned my hand around to examine my Wounds. Also he examined the gold ring on my finger. “There’s some Bactine in the medicine cabinet.”

“Nilo tied a blindfold on me so tight it gave me a headache from the knot.”

“Nilo did?”

“On your orders.”

“I never told him to do that. That’s what you call initiative.” He turned my head by a very gentle touch & found the bump behind my ear. “I apologize. But besides this you’re O.K.?”

I shook his hand away. “It’s nothing compared to the rest.”

“I’m going to take care of you from here on,” Newberry told me & forked the eggs on my plate. He started to say further but he stopped short when he heard the water running in the bathroom. “Something we’ve got to get out of the way before we do anything else. What did you do with my letters?”

“I buried them. In the desert. In Mexico.”

“No you didn’t.”

“I think it was in Mexico.”

“No. I know you Ray. I think you brought them back with you. Can I ask you to stand up a minute?” He patted my pockets by the Professional Method & he found those letters in 5 Seconds flat. “Thanks. Sit. Eat your eggs.” He unfolded the yellow paper. “What I like about you the most Ray? You’re a bad liar. I’ve counted on your honesty. You couldn’t lie if your life depended on it. Am I right?”

“I didn’t get to practice as much as you.”

He read the letter on top then he shuffled it to the back. “Honesty’s pretty much a tangled web too.”

Then Dolores was standing in the doorway & we both choked up. She did not look at me but I saw the bags under her eyes which means either Crying or No Sleep bags are a dead giveaway of disturbance.

“Hi baby,” Newberry said to her. “Say good morning honey.”

“Good morning.”

“Bring Daddy the Bactine from the big bathroom. And some tissues. Go on.” She obeyed him immediate. “I love that little girl.”

“She deserves all the love she can get.”

When she came back Newberry crouched down & coiled his arm around her waist & held her still. “Dolores do you know this man? Is he the man you saw with Mommy yesterday?”

Now she looked at me. “Hello darling,” I said. “You remember me don’t you?”

“You can say hello to Uncle Ray. Look how he hurt his arms. Help him with the Bactine so his cuts don’t get infected.”

Dolores squirted the antiseptic on a Kleenex she dabbed it very gentle on my scratches a real miniature Nurse taking care of me. Only I did not see any Emotion in her eyes or she did not want to show any to me. I do not think she knew what happened to her dear Mama & I say this was a Mercy for her.

“Eat your Rice Krispies,” Papa Bear said.

“I’ll take over with this.” I took the wet tissue & like a perfect little princess she sat at the table & ate her Breakfast.

“Tell Uncle Ray where you’re going today.”

“School,” Dolores said to her bowl.

“Which school?”

“Holyoak.”

“Mount Holyoak,” he helped her on this detail.

“Mount Holyoak.”

He recited the name again. “Mount Holyoak. Ever hear of it Ray?”

“Mount Holyoak?”

“Best private school in the state. The governor sends his kids there. It’s just in Santa Fe so I can visit her every week.” He covered her hand with his. “I’m coming from Albuquerque to see you every week O.K.?”

“Uh-huh.”

“She’s going to get a terrific education.” Newberry nodded. “Dolores honey it’s almost 8 o’clock. How long’s it take for you to get dressed for school?”

“A minute.” She ate another spoonful of snap-crackle.

“The bus comes at 10 after. I don’t want you to be late.”

“I didn’t finish my Rice Krispies.”

“That’s all right. Sister Bridget told me they make big lunches. Come on.” He took her spoon away. “Show Uncle Ray how pretty you look in your uniform.”

Dolores squeezed out of her chair & carried her bowl to the sink & ran some water in it I tell you I thought she was going to stop & curtsey to us before she left the room. Where is the lizard trainer I wanted to know!

Newberry pointed at my cold eggs. “You still working on that?”

“Can’t eat anymore.”

He cleared my plate away & laid a black briefcase on the table. “Got something for you.”

“Does it explode when I open it?”

“Funny.” Newberry snapped the latches. “Best one on the market. Samsonite or some sonofabitching thing. You can drop it off the Empire State Building and it won’t break.” He opened the lid & showed me. “This is your life.”

The manila F.B.I. File was the only thing in there. A inch thick as of now & my name on the tag on the front—GREEN, RAY a.k.a. PETER TREMAYNE then right on Page 1 all of my Vital Statistics to wit my Physical Description i.e. my height & weight also the colors of my eyes & hair (ha ha) besides my address & Driver’s License number & license plate on my dear departed car!

“You don’t have to read it here. Take it home. I’ve got another copy in my office.” He untied the strings of his apron & hung it very neat on a hook & he smoothed his tie. “The gist of it see Ray is…I put your name on the VICAP watch list.” He sipped at his black coffee & nibbled a crust of toast.

In the pages he put photos of Amelia including a few snapshots of us at that gas station. Also pictures of us at the Bluebird Motel I do not know how they took those maybe Wayne Feather sneaking around there with a miniature camera. By a special Periscope or spy hole. I skim over those pages and a few flakes of Newberry’s conversation drift by me—

“Violent Criminal Apprehension Program…your strange behavior in the East 8th in Mason…old man who lives by himself…a loner…on Social Security…”

He has everything in there down to a word-by-word copy of what that know-it-all Dr. Barbara the Sigmund Freud of Radio Station WRBC said about me 3 Weeks ago. I turned the next page nor I could not believe my eyes again.

“Yeah that’s a transcript of a conversation you had with Albert Abercorn and his little girl Charmaine. The one you picked up in the street.” Newberry sat down at the table with me. “He’s strictly from the raincoat brigade. Or am I telling you anything you don’t know…”

“I never met him,” I said. “Is the girl all right?”

“Sure sure. She’s doing fine. Charmaine’s in Oregon with her mom. The important thing is she isn’t stuck with that slimeball in the trailer anymore.”

“That’s the important thing.” More surprises for me—newspaper clippings from the Mason Examiner also my Classified Ad. A report on me by a different Psychiatrist which I will bet John Newberry wrote this himself. Now if he can change my Deeds he can change my Words too he can make this Version come out the way he wants it to. He can exploit me when I am in my Grave. “You twisted all the facts!”

“Please—let us have no pissing & moaning at this late stage. What did I make up? Let’s face what is and go from there. You with me?”

I point out in the middle of the page. “What’s this?” I read it out loud: “His perceptions conform to a pattern common in the elderly. To them the world isn’t as good or secure as it used to be and it isn’t ‘the world I grew up in.’”

“Well,” Newberry asked me. “Is it?”

“No.”

“Told you I didn’t make it up.”

“According to this I’m a crazy person. A danger to the community.”

“Don’t get excited. It makes you look interesting. A good guy really—just a little warped.” Newberry dunked his toast in his coffee.

“This description isn’t me! Look what it says—Suffers from the delusion that he is the only good man in a bad world. What is that? Like I don’t know the difference between good & bad? Right & wrong? Facts & make-believe?”

“That’s a matter of opinion. I respect what you’re trying to do. For instance with that girl in Mason. Charmaine. Who else goes out of their way to help a stranger these days? You never see it. But you did something. Not what you thought you were doing but let’s skip over that.” Newberry stood up & patted my shoulder. “Everything just backfired on you. That’s all.”

“I’m not taking the blame for things you did.”

“Things you say. My things. Things were out of my control when Amelia got crazy. Afraid all the time. Somebody was going to come and take it away from her. Somebody,” he said to himself. “Me. Of all people. Anything happened it’s on her.”

I am disappointed by my behavior in this moment I did not argue firmer with Newberry. I said, “I blame you.”

“Take it easy there.”

“Who then? I’ve got disordered thinking. Amelia acted unpredictable so everything went wrong for you. Which makes you a living angel in the middle…”

“Did I say I’m perfect?” On the edge of Humble Pie—but no! “Who do you think as a matter of fact has been looking out for you from the minute you got messed up with her? It hasn’t exactly been easy keeping you alive all this time!” This flare-up came & went it was a lick of gas out of a stove & the quiet after was sharp too. Newberry lowered his Voice at me. “You know how I spent most of last Thursday? Fishing your goddamn station wagon out of the Rio Bravo.”

“You got my car?” I did not hide my relief & joy.

“Standing in water up to my waist half the goddamn night so I could supervise the operation.”

“Sorry you got wet.”

“I wore a pair of waders. Anyway. It was going to be a surprise.”

“What hasn’t been.”

“Relax now. I want to conclude this business between us today. I’m sure this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to you today but trust me”—he tapped my Official File—“you’re protected from now on.”

Was I in Wonderland talking to the Mad Hatter? Words mean the exact opposite on the other side of the mirror! “It incriminates me! You didn’t make it for my comfort Newberry. It’s for yours. To use it against me anytime you want.”

“I don’t have to. Jesus! I don’t want to. As long as I know that you know I can.”

“This is beyond my belief.”

“It’s how things are. Forget about why this & why that. There are complications you can’t imagine. Other sides to this you can’t comprehend. By the way,” Newberry put on his coat & asked me very casual, “do you still have the gun?”

“They took it away from me. Wayne. He had to for his own safety.”

“You shoot anybody?”

“He stopped me in the nick of time.”

“I’ll make sure you get it back. And with a license. Make it official.”

“Aren’t you nervous I’ll use it on you?”

“You’re going to move out of the area. Out of the state. I want to watch you live to a ripe old age Ray.”

“I am a ripe old age.”

“Riper. Older. This is how it’s going to happen. You’ll forget about Amelia and Tio. Forget about Dolores. Forget about me. We never came into your life.”

“I can’t,” I said very weak in my Voice but very Strong in my feeling. “When somebody comes into a person’s life—maybe you’re too young & you don’t understand this yet—they stay in no matter what you do. Or what they do. Even when they die. Maybe that’s when they’re with you more than before.”

“Make us the exception.”

I got my Voice back & said to his grinning face, “I’m going to fight you.” And my Strength came back with the words coming out of my mouth so I spelled it out for me. “I’m going to fight you for it. For which one of us is going to tell his story to the judge.”

Sympathy made his laugh soft. “Honest to God. It’s not your play here. What kind of proof have you got honey?” He tipped the briefcase shut. “Don’t you think I did my research? I’ve got a statement from your barber Salvatore Puccalono testifying to your obsessive concern about moral decline and illegal immigration into the United States specifically of Mexican nationals. And Dr. Eugene Godfrey made a few enlightening observations about your general state. So did a classifieds advertisements clerk on the Mason Examiner. Then there’s the whole ugly business about abducting that teenage girl. For all I know you might make a habit of abducting children off the street.”

“Shut your rotten mouth.”

“I’m just making a point.”

“Shame on you.”

“Use your imagination. You can see where this line can lead. How everything connects. And I’m not finished digging Ray. All the way back. You’re my hobby. Who knows what I’ll uncover.” Newberry leaned in & let me in on a piece of Confidential Information. “I can prove you’re capable of doing absolutely anything.”

“That’s you you’re talking about. I didn’t do anything wrong! I stay inside the human limits. Not like you! Or Nilo! Which is a fact certain authorities are going to appreciate when I tell them.”

“You can try to tell any story you want. It’s a stupid waste of energy. Yours and mine. You’re playing in my ballpark Ray so my advice is bench yourself. You can’t do anything else and survive this.”

Look at me—the Champion of Helpless Victims! “I feel a little funny. Can I get a glass of milk?”

He went right over to the refrigerator & poured me one. “What is it? Your stomach?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just the tension. You feel like you want to throw up?”

“Give me a minute.”

“Emotion does that to you. I see it all the time.” He watched me drink my milk down. “I don’t suffer from that at all. Funny thing.”

Newberry did not bring me over a napkin so I had to wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve a vulgar Gesture of low manners I never use but I did not want to have a milk mustache when I said, “I’ll fight. What’s the worst that can happen to me?”

If he was going to describe the exact Details of my suffering ahead he stopped himself short when he saw Dolores standing behind me. Newberry put a definite end on the conversation this way: “What happens to the hole when you eat a doughnut?” He clapped his hands together & abracadabra he was a proud Papa showing off his pretty little girl. “Look at her. Isn’t she a real lady?”

The black dress went down a few inches above her ankles & she had to wear a black tie on her navy blue shirt. Dolores looked closed in by those dark clothes. At least he let her keep that Pink Purse of hers she had the plastic strap around her wrist.

“Say ’bye to Uncle Ray. You can give him a kiss on the cheek.”

Dolores let her little plaid suitcase drop on the floor & I leaned over to Receive a kiss from her. “Bye Uncle Ray,” she said & hugged me around my neck & did not let go until the bus outside beeped. Newberry walked her over to the front door & when I saw Dolores with him that way in her Catholic School uniform & silent & obeying then I saw what he was doing to her it was a Perversion of her Nature.

Like a normal Daddy he stood & waved Dolores by-bye & he said to me, “I’m sorry Ray. I don’t think you’ve got time for that shower.”

Here is why—

We are driving strictly by the Speed Limit and we pass a sign that says Deming 14 Miles. This is 45 Minutes after we pull out of his secret house. “How come I don’t have to wear a blindfold?”

“Mutual trust,” he said.

After a stretch of red rocks and scrub brush we only stopped in Deming for a few Minutes to fill the tank then back on the asphalt tongue of the Interstate: next stop Mason. He drove me from the West Side of town & a lump swole in my throat when he turned left on Aurelio Blvd. The red light caught us a block from Bea’s Bakery & I pondered what did he get Bea to say against me? Can I ever go in & buy lox again?

“I live around the corner here.”

“I know it.”

“You can drop me off at the corner,” I said. “I can walk to Pecan from here.”

Newberry shook his head & shook his smile loose. “I’m taking you to your car.”

In spite of his behavior I will say I believe he did respect me & regard me as high as he said he did. I judge this by the fact he only pulled 1 Single rotten Stunt on me plus 2 Dirty Tricks but he did not tell me lies. Dangling my apartment in front of me by driving around the back was his Psychological Tactic to remind me how safe & sound I will be in my nest how I do not want to be in the World Of Trouble anymore & this worked on my mind I hereby confess. When I looked at the blue fiberglass roof of my garage go by & my kitchen window I thought of my green leather chair how it is waiting in front of the T.V. etc. it was the sad Sight of my home without me inside it. Gone from me & from its point of view watching me go.

We stopped 30 Miles away in the Desert where there is a low building with a double gate & chain-link fence around it. No Raymobile anywhere I could see. I waited in the car when he unlocked the chain also when he locked it up behind us. Empty acres stretching around. A road goes up a hill behind to somebody’s private property & one of those shut down Silver mines I believe. Nothing growing below except a crop of sticks with plastic flags fluttering on top they mark where the Streets are going to be. And the vacant Lots for houses. Yes Amelia told me about this place no she did not lie about Newberry’s development plans.

Inside the fence a Quonset Hut it was the only survivor of some Army base of yesteryear. Wayne’s car out in front baking in the sun like a lizard. If I know John Newberry you should not waste your Energy in the desert looking for this Quonset Hut it is gone by now likewise I am 100% sure he scraped the ground after so you will not find a nail or a hair or speck of Blood. My advice is look in a junkyard for a metal sink about 3 Feet long x 2 Feet wide x 2 Feet deep. Also look for a metal table you can not miss it it is as big as a door. With the Extra Added Attraction of gutters down both sides & a drain sunk into the bottom end. If you find these pieces I hope you can connect them & Newberry. He is very smart about types of Evidence so you should be smarter.

We walked inside & Wayne was leaning on the metal table with his eye on the Mexican gentleman from his car who sat very Contented on a stack of cardboard boxes in the corner. He stood up when he saw John Newberry.

“Where’s Nilo?” Newberry asked Wayne.

“Around. Thinks he’s his own boss I guess.”

“He’s got Ray’s gun?”

“I got it here.” Wayne lifted the Snubnose .38 out of his pocket.

“Any rounds in it?”

“Nope.”

Newberry ordered him to load it & give it back to me. Wayne held it out on his handkerchief so I took it by the handle. “Safety’s off,” he alerted me.

I Psychoanalyze a big part of John Newberry’s character is he is a addict of Risks. He will push everybody to their Personal Limit to see what will happen. He will push Events as far as they will go to show off he has the masculine power to be their master. He shares this trait with Richard M. Nixon also Casanova and Adolf Hitler I believe.

“Put the gun in your pocket Ray,” he aimed his Voice very steady at me from across the metal table. “You don’t have to shoot anybody to get your car back.”

As if I was doing him a personal favor I dropped my hand & I let the Snubnose cartwheel off my finger down toward my front pocket. I only missed the corner of the seam by a fragment of a inch & the gun clattered on the floor so I bent over to get a grip on the handle part which by extreme accident my toe kicked it so the gin went spinning around like a roulette wheel by my foot. I was still down there trying to pick it up & not throw my back out when the back door opened & 2 pairs of cowboy boots stomped in. And another pair came in behind them.

“Hey hey! The gang’s all here!” Up above the dirty boots Nilo’s face mooning over me.

Newberry did not waste his breath on any Hello. “You bring Ray’s car back in one piece?”

“Set to go,” Nilo reported back.

In Español Newberry offered the duet of Mexican boys they should sit down on the boxes & from the shelf under the sink he pulled out a folded sheet of white plastic. “You didn’t say hello to Ray,” he reminded Nilo.

Who nodded at me, “How ya doin’?” & wandered over to scrape the side of his boot on a corner of a cardboard box.

Newberry wanted something else out of him. “Tell Ray you’re sorry about the blindfold.”

“Huh?” Nilo turned around with a stiff grin that practically split his face. He was not sure if the joke was on him or me.

“What did I tell you about blindfolding him?”

“Nothing.”

“Right. Nothing.” Newberry unrolled the plastic & it was not a sheet it was a pair of coveralls & he stepped into them. “So tell Ray you’re sorry about it.”

“I’m sorry about the blindfold,” Nilo said as if it was a foreign language he was learning & he said it to Newberry not to me.

Those coveralls must be from a Atomic Powerplant they must be for keeping out Radioactive contamination with their built-in gloves & shoes with a hood on top of it. Newberry slid the long zipper up to his chin & gave me a look from in there. He flung his arm in Nilo’s direction & said, “Satisfied?”

Confusing me by kindness again. It is the bait he used to keep me calm & quiet to trap me & turn me into a Criminal—

 

NEWBERRY: Nilo.

NILO: Uh-huh?

NEWBERRY: Tell Ray what you did while you were in Mexico.

NILO: When?

NEWBERRY: Day before yesterday.

NILO: Right. Right.

NEWBERRY: Did you see me there?

NILO: No I did not.

NEWBERRY: Did you handle everything by yourself?

NILO: It was my job all the way.

 

Newberry raised his arm to show me I Told You So. Nilo had a proud smile shining on his face & he looked right at me since he realized he was not in Danger & the joke was on me.

 

NEWBERRY: Tell Ray what happened. Don’t leave anything out.

NILO: Jimmied the lock. Saw your daughter sleeping on the floor.

NEWBERRY: Skip that part.

NILO: O.K. Went in—

ME: I don’t want to hear any of this.

NEWBERRY: Shut up Ray. Listen to what Nilo’s saying.

NILO: What happened was Amelia was in the kitchen. Lucky she didn’t hear me come in.

NEWBERRY: What did she have on? Details please.

ME: I remember what she was wearing.

NILO: That nightie. That short nightie. Only came down to the top of her legs.

 

Newberry shoved Nilo over toward me toe to toe so I did not miss a sour word.

 

NEWBERRY: Tell him what you could see.

NILO: Every hair.

NEWBERRY: Every hair.

NILO: Every hair on her. Up her legs & all. Saw everything when she took a swing at me with that fry pan. But I got on top of that.

ME: You deserve a medal.

NEWBERRY: So you’re on top of Amelia while Ray’s snoozing in bed.

NILO: On the kitchen floor that’s right. Got me horny.

NEWBERRY: Tell him. Tell Ray!

NILO: She wouldn’t let go of me. Kept squirming around. Helluva lot of fun till she poinged her nails into my neck & scratched up my arms. Then I got mad at her for real.

 

I doubt if the Mexicans knew what Nilo was saying but they did get a kick out of his Gestures. Unless they were laughing at Newberry in his Radiation Suit.

 

NEWBERRY: Silencio! Por favor! Go on Nilo.

NILO: I dragged her outside by her hair. Her nightie too. And the damn strings broke right off.

ME: Get away from me.

NILO: You don’t want to miss this part.

NEWBERRY: Come on Ray. You slept right through all this.

NILO: Then he coulda slept through a damn earthquake.

ME: Nuts to that.

NILO: Listen. Don’t talk.

ME: And nuts to you.

NILO: You pissy little coward.

ME: And to you. Double.

NEWBERRY: Tell him everything.

NILO: I got her on the ground. I put my hand over her mouth like this.

 

Nilo laid his salty mitt over my mouth & my animal Instinct commanded me “Bite him!” but I did not give him the satisfaction & lower myself.

 

NEWBERRY: What did she have on then?

NILO: Skin and hair. Rubbing her hair pie on me.

NEWBERRY: Amelia was…was naked?

NILO: Bareass as a baby.

NEWBERRY: She had a terrific ass on her. Didn’t she Ray?

 

He pulls Nilo’s hand off my mouth so I can reply.

 

ME: Peachy.

NILO: Brown peach. That’s it. A coffee bean ass. I had her down see & she still wouldn’t quit. I guess she kinda liked what was goin’ on so then I got her in the bushes. Up the back of the house. On the little hill there?

 

I turned my face away & by a shove I hardly felt Nilo danced me backwards he pinned me to the wall.

 

NILO: Amelia would not shut up. She wouldn’t let go & accept how it was so what am I supposed to do? Didn’t make a difference which way she wanted it. Front or back.

 

Right here I started singing a song I believe it was Irving Berlin’s cheerful “Blue Skies.” I was singing to block Nilo’s dirty talk & I shut my eyes from his porky face. Nor I did not see Newberry behind me he grabbed my head back around so I had to smell Nilo’s cigarette breath in my face.

 

NILO: So I get my hand on her throat & my other one in her snatch & I’m squeezing both ways. Gonna flip her.

NEWBERRY: His hand on her private parts Ray! Hear that? Choking Amelia while he’s fingering her pussy…

NILO: Oh yeah. Fingers up her greasy greaser crack. Then her breathing it went all hissy. It wasn’t so much fun after that.

ME: What kind of noise did your friend Perry make?

NILO: Say what?

ME: Like bacon sizzling? When the electric shock hit him—

NILO: Perry died from it you kikey kike!

 

Nilo threw a sloppy punch at me his hammy fist clipped my jaw & landed on my ear—he pulled the front of my jacket then I twisted out of his grip. A bad move since then he knocked me into the wall. I felt Newberry’s hands under my arms he hauled me on my feet & threw me right back at Nilo. The gunsel caught me by my throat he had my windpipe I think it was the raw idea of where his other hand was reaching that pushed me so far I pulled out my gun—

 

NEWBERRY: Nilo! He’s got a gun!

 

Nor I was not afraid to use it on him—I brought it down hard I lowered the boom on him I conked Nilo a good one on his forehead. Nilo grabbed my wrist he pinned it to the wall & my Weapon pointed Harmless at the ceiling—

 

NILO: John? You got it?

 

He could not see since he kept his head down ramming in my chest. Newberry pried the revolver out of my sweaty fingers I felt the seams on his plastic mittens scrape my palm & then the Sound exploded by my ear—BOOM!—only I did not feel any hole open up in me I only felt Nilo’s flabby weight peel away & thud on the floor. His fingers scratched the Air over his head until they landed on my ankles he tried to get up on his knees. Newberry stood next to him & shot Nilo in the back of his head then his Blood came spraying up the front of my pants to my knees & splashed on my shoes.

Newberry flashed Wayne a look with Death Rays in it & that was the only signal they needed for the wild Circus to start. The Mexican boys enjoyed the show until Wayne pressed his gun against the back of the little one’s head. He pulled the trigger & a gold tooth went spinning across the floor in front of a burst of Blood & Spit. As fast as that tooth Newberry had his knee bent into the other Muchacho’s back & wrestled him down to the Floor he shut his eyes & turned his face away before Newberry shot a bullet into his neck nor he did not stop squirming so Newberry put another one in & it cracked the top of his head apart.

I took my eyes off this Sickening Sight just in time to see the cowboy shirt Mexicano block Wayne out of his path & push himself outside by the back door. He ran for the fence like Crazy Legs Hirsch—

 

NEWBERRY: Don’t hit his stomach! Not in the stomach Wayne!

 

Agent Feather took off after the cowboy shirt Señor and Newberry took off after Wayne very clumsy in his plastic suit then 3 or 4 shots in a row maybe from both guns I did not Witness who did what because they chased him behind the Raymobile & I can only testify what was the terrible Result. John Newberry & Wayne Feather carrying the deceased Mexican in by his arms & legs I saw his head was red & wet & seeping it was split open like a watermelon.

“Hold it,” Wayne said & hooked his foot around the edge of the door & flipped it shut behind him. He let Newberry lift the Corpse on the metal table belly up.

Newberry checked me over he tilted my face in the Light. “Your color’s gone,” he noted then he slapped the revolver into my hand he pressed my fingers around the handle so I did not drop it on the floor again. “Don’t be afraid.” He shook my shoulder very firm & brotherly.

What do you expect a person to do if he has got decent scruples concerning Life & Death? I will say I was not afraid of the sight of those poor dead bodies or the way Newberry killed them so easy no I was afraid of what I was supposed to do about it. On the spot something else took over—

I aimed the gun at John Newberry and he turned around because he heard me cock the hammer. The sigh that huffed out of him made me think he was exhausted from waiting all day for this Deadly Event to happen. Very slow he smiled at me & stood like I was snapping his photo at a family BBQ. I say it was this kind of Mockery put sudden Strength in me. Or set my sudden Weakness free it curled my finger around the trigger. Wayne did not make any move to jump me & I remember a sob swole up in my throat it was the last Particle of my Sympathy leaving my body.

Newberry said, “Playtime’s over.”

“Yes it is,” I bit my teeth down but I could not shoot the gun at him like a man.

So Wayne & Newberry are giggling from the High Hilarity of my unmanly cowardice I can feel the hot mud bubbling in my stomach & I can taste the sour salt of it before it hits my back teeth & splashes out of my mouth.

“For crissakes Ray! You have to do that in here?” Wayne yelled at me.

“Yeah c’mon Ray,” Newberry stopped laughing to point out. “You’re right next to the door. Stick your head outside if you have to do that again.” Then he got busy with Nilo’s corpse he picked up both legs under the knees & dragged him. Wayne grabbed one of the limp hands & he steered Nilo around so he ended up side by side with the Mexican boys he Delivered.

“Future generations owe me one,” Wayne said. “Stopped Nilo from pissing in the gene pool.”

“Ray…don’t ask me why. While you’re standing there looking at all the whys the what runs you over like a freight train.”

Even a rock in the dirt has got some Why behind it. Igneous e.g. or Sedimentary. I did not respect John Newberry’s answer so I asked him again.

He broke open his silver razor. “I know this is going to be a shock to you my friend but listen—everybody who owns a refrigerator thinks he’s civilized. It’s just a trick Westinghouse pulls on us. I know we never moved out of the caves. Caves and clubs before and now we’ve got ranch houses and guns.”

A perfect Point I remind him also we have got LAWS.

“I’m not saying it’s a deep philosophy Ray,” he said. “Look at it this way. Instead of laws your caveman had campfires. Some weak little light. A flickering dot in all that darkness. A teensy puff of heat in the path of the Ice Age. Something they made to scare off wild animals and the ghosts of their ancestors. It’s the same thing.”

Not exactly by me.

“No—not exactly. Any campfire is superior to any law. You know why?”

Why?

“You can’t roast a weenie over a law. You can quote me.”

You said it!

I watched him peel the cowboy shirt backward over the bulge of the Mexican’s belly. Newberry shimmied his shoulders. “I hate this part.” And he dipped his cutthroat razor down & cut across the yellow skin 2 Cuts in a long X that met in the middle of the stomach. So I saw what the gutters in the table were there for i.e. more Blood etc. drooled down them & by the drain between his feet it dribbled into a oil drum underneath. Dry as sandpaper my tongue but I asked him Why again.

“Get Ray a glass of water,” he said to Wayne. “And I think there’s some Alka Seltzer on the shelf above the sink.” He stopped his amateur surgery & he gave me the impression he was thinking about why he was standing there in a plastic suit with 3 Corpses on the floor & another Corpse on the table & Human Blood up to his knees cutting a X into a dead man’s stomach with a silver razor. “Because…I think because…I feel responsible.” Which was all the thinking he wanted to give it & he leaned over the Mexican again & cut the flesh to ribbons & dug his hand down into the hole he made.

When they started coming out I thought they were golf balls. He dropped them 1 by 1 in a plastic bucket. I believe Newberry got 40 out of that particular stomach. I drank my glass of Alka Seltzer in a gulp but there is a limit to how much Relief a person can get from Alka Seltzer in a revolting situation like this.

In the sink Wayne washed off the 40 balls & got ready for the next batch that Newberry scooped out of the little Mexican nor I do not know how many were crammed in there he was so skinny. It was not golf balls it was 10 Dozen rubbers Wayne washed & dried by the end. Newberry cut them open it was White Drugs inside. White Powder that he poured out very delicate & careful. He filled up a dozen coffee cans.

I thought of Dolores. This Murderer this Arch Criminal this Smiling Slave Trader this Walking Perversion is her GUARDIAN! I saw how she was helpless in his house just a INNOCENT child at his Mercy. I doubt if John Newberry has any Human feelings for anybody.

“All I’ve got is human feelings!” He buttoned up the Señor’s cowboy shirt over the Wound his razor sliced in. The stump of a Artery poked up from between the shirttails. “You think I’m enjoying this? I’m not even happy about it. Glad it’s over yes. Ray you don’t know the half of it.”

What do you deserve for your Perverted Deeds? A Life of Luxury? I will not get a argument out of anybody if I dare & say everything did not turn out so wonderful for those poor Mexicans!

“Oh them. Tell Ray about this trash Wayne. Before he goes off half cocked.”

Wayne flapped his hand over the Cowboy Shirt. “Augusto Ramirez. A pimp. His specialty was little boys & girls in Mexico City. He broke them in, Showed those kids how to satisfy every kind of weird thing. Augusto wanted to move his business Stateside so we told him sure—no problem.” He kicked the boot on the foot of the skinny Muchacho. “Enrico Raul Cruz. Rico wanted to come across pretty quick on account of his wife’s family. They wanted his balls for breakfast no doubt about it. He gave her the clap—which he picked up off one of Augusto’s niñas. Mrs. Rico spoke up on it and Rico broke her face on the back of a shovel. Broke the shovel too I heard. Nilo you know about.” Wayne skipped over him & stood where the skinny Mexican boy was laid out. “Freddy Duarte. Looks like a teenager huh? Freddy made it to 31 but I honestly do not know how he got that far. Went around with the idiotic idea he was Billy the Kid reincarnated. He’d do anything anybody would pay him to. Got up to some pretty wild activity around Ojinaga. Nilo hired him for a job or two. Get this. For a joke Rico showed up with a donkey at some rich guy’s Cinco de Mayo & the guy offered him $100 if Freddy took his pants down and did it with the burro.”

“I never heard that,” Newberry said & laughed down at Freddy.

“He got another 50 bucks outta the guy for hay. Freddy said the donkey she’d expect him to buy her a nice dinner after they got done just to prove he still respected her.”

“What you see here?” Newberry said to me. “It’s the most worthwhile thing any of them ever did in their whole lives.”

Why?

“Look how they sacrificed themselves for the sake of a better future.”

He believes this cockamamie line! For your information Mr. Newberry a Sacrifice is something a person does voluntary—look it up in Webster’s Dictionary if you doubt my definition!

“I’m not crying over what happened here. And Ray don’t tell me you are either because I know you’re a respectable man. Upright. You don’t like to see our streets crawling with this kind of human garbage. You’re uncomfortable being around this terrible violence. It’s so far outside your experience. I know. And I’m sorry you got dragged into this. You accidentally got yourself involved in what I do. Something I hate but this is in my life too.” He dropped a glance at the wet blood on Freddy’s shirt. “Was in my life. From today it’s all a thing of the past. I’m retiring from the Bureau. With honor. These bodybag enchiladas are beyond the call of duty.”

Oh really? You might want to add something to that! How about that shipment of rat poison that white gold dust you cut out of their hides? How far beyond does THAT BUSINESS go?

“Ever hear the expression What’s Good For General Motors Is Good For The U.S.A.? It trickles down. That’s what it means. I’m trading this dumb powder to a few rich New Yorkers for this piece of real estate. Acres and acres of land for a few dozen coffee cans of this stupid junk.” Newberry shook a couple of the Folger’s cans like a pair of maracas. “I’m on the right side of the law of supply and demand.”

Phonus bolonus!

“Listen to this. I raised a loan on this property big enough to build 300 houses. Which means jobs for laborers and brick layers carpenters and masons plumbers and electricians interior decorators and landscape gardeners. Orders from lumber yards wallpaper manufacturers and hardware companies. It means 300 new telephone customers and maybe 900 new telephones. Plus regular work for gardeners and pool cleaners. Brand new suburban streets in the middle of this godforsaken desert. And good houses. Quality homes I’m talking about that will attract young families to New Plains. So please don’t go away thinking the only thing I’m interested in here is personal profit. It’s community.”

Let Freedom Ring! God Shed His Grace On Thee John Newberry!

“What’s your problem with this Ray? Have you got something against free enterprise?” He squinted at me. “You’re not a communist subversive are you? Where would we be today if some kind of doubt stopped Cornelius Vanderbilt or Henry Clay Frick in the middle of what they were doing? Or John Paul Getty? John D. Rockefeller—J. P. Morgan—Andrew Carnegie? You’re an educated man—you know these names? You’ve heard of these men?”

Al Capone—Meyer Lansky—Lucky Luciano—Lionel Horvath!

“This is something precious I’ve made. For my family. Not just food and shelter—security. No uncertainty about tomorrow. My kids can have their own houses right here in New Plains. I’ll visit my grandchildren where we’re standing right now. With the peace of mind I ripped out of the world with hard work and Yankee ingenuity. That’s us all over. If you want to do anything that makes a difference you’ve got to get your hands dirty.”

Newberry you talk about your repulsive business like it is a lollipop factory you hammered together by candy cane nails & chocolate planks in the midst of Gingerbread Wood! What about the way your work ends up with CORPSES at your feet! What about all the Laws you broke not to mention the Supreme Commandment?

Watch his face go pale & sad from this Wound I made on his sensitive feelings. When he can choke down his emotions & think of the right words he holds up his hands for me to see them in the plastic gloves with a web of Blood on both sides & wet crumbs of Freddy’s stomach sticking to his fingertips. “Look what I’m willing to do for my loved ones.”

Newberry told me very Proud & Satisfied how a year from now he is going to adopt Dolores so she will be his daughter by Law. I am happy for him I am happy for her etc. blah-blah-blah—he wanted a regular conversation from me so that’s what I gave him. My inner thoughts belonged to me & all of them crowded in my Mind like rain clouds piled on top of each other. His cockeyed version of the Story of our Country for one thing. I hope you see if he can twist the facts of American History so easy because of the hole in his head where Conscience should be then he will twist anything. So the other heavy cloud was I could not be near Dolores to protect her from her Papa’s wicked influence.

He made me sit in the passenger seat of my own car he even held the door open for me The Weak Invalid. “Buckle up for safety.” He pointed at my seat belt. I clicked it shut then Newberry pulled it tighter. “Don’t want to lose you.”

I did not dwell on Nilo’s corpse lying in the back of the Raymobile or the Cowboy Shirt fellow either. Only when I looked out the back window to check how close Wayne was behind us I could not avoid my eyes from the bloody sight. I rolled my window down all the way & the wind blasting in blew some of the meat odors away or thinned them out at least. I am guessing here but I think somehow Newberry got used to the smell of the Dead & when he observed the sour look on my face he tried to distract me by cheerful Conversation.

Mainly his topic was The Worst Is Over. “This is the last thing we’ve got to do together.” It did not encourage me nor it did not take my Mind off of the meaty aroma in the hot car so here is another Lesson Of Life for the books—You Can Not Avoid Your Senses. So I leaned my head out of my window & smelled the dirt of the Desert & only heard the wind roar around my ears.

On the Front Page of the Examiner I see some Boy Scouts found the 4 Corpses they were a few miles north of Deming. But when we pulled over at the time I did not realize this exact location. Newberry did not make me soil my hands & help him pull Nilo etc. out of the Raymobile. Also Wayne Feather handled the Remains of the other Mexicans he had in his trunk he rolled them out of their trash bags on the ground.

In the back of my car they left bloodstains plus the dirty blanket they wrapped Nilo in. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Dump it somewhere.” Newberry shrugged at me & he peeled off his plastic coveralls. “I’d burn it,” was his expert advice. (I believe this is what happened to the Radiation Suit i.e. the last time I saw it Newberry stuffed it in a trash bag & Wayne threw it in the trunk of his Buick.) He pushed his open hand in front of me to shake man to man. “Good-bye Ray.” I refused him. “Can you open the glove compartment for me? There’s a rag in there.” He used the rag to cover his fingers when he popped the hood release. Wayne came around with a wrench & he worked on the motor.

“What’s he doing to my car?”

“Nothing. He’s just taking your spark plugs out.”

“I don’t even know where the hell I am! Could be the Sahara Desert out here. This is fine. This I expected…”

“Before you give yourself a coronary Ray listen a minute. I just want to make sure I know where you are for the next couple hours. Wayne’s going to drop off one spark plug every 100 Yards in a straight line. You can find them easy enough. We’ll even leave you the wrench. Won’t we Wayne?”

“You bet.”

“I don’t know from auto mechanics!” I said. “The guy at the gas station changes my spark plugs.”

“Easy as pie,” Wayne said. “They just plug in.”

“You can throw this in the tumbleweeds too.” I handed him the .38 revolver but Newberry pressed it back by the flat of his hand so I threw it out of the window to defy him.

He found it & brought it back. “Giggle and give in. It’s the smart thing to do.” He wiped it off & dropped it in my lap. “This way you always know where it is.”

“You mean you do.”

“Our guarantee that nothing upsetting is ever going to happen. Hold on to it Ray. So you can sleep at night.” He poked his head inside when he shut the Raymobile door. “I think you should check the pressure in the back tires. Felt like we were fishtailing a little bit.” His Final Words on the subject.

“Newberry!” I jumped out of the car my shout stopped him.

“What do you want to do Ray? Hit me over the head with a wrench?” He climbed in Wayne’s car & from there he said, “You don’t do things like that. You’re too tender-hearted for the bare knuckle stuff. Go home. You don’t want to see me again.”

I did not think of a strong Comeback until they pulled away so I ran behind them straight into the ball of dust Erupting on the road. “I’m sticking to you like napalm!” is what I warned him & I swore it on my honor to the clear blue Sky.

A person believes in JUSTICE so what can he do & answer Newberry’s crimes? Every Deed attracts some Deed in return by its own Gravity so I ask you what kind of a answer does a man throw at a KILLER & a PERVERT the NATURAL ENEMY of Decent Life? What is the right answer when you meet a dishonest F.B.I. Agent who betrayed his Pledge of Allegiance also cheated on his wife also simultaneous he smuggled paying customers over the U.S. Border on his Mexican girlfriend’s back—and who led her on by his masculine Power so far he made her pregnant with child—furthermore a man who DOES NOT REGRET the terrible fate that befell upon this beloved woman i.e. strangled to death because the only thing he cares about is he should come out on top—

On top of further Death by his own hands & by his expert precautions he can prove he was nowhere near these Crimes. Instead he will use all of his Power to plant Evidence on a innocent member of the public & fix him with a phony File etc. & besmirch his good name beyond repair & twist everything that happened so far to save his own skin & raise the Blame on somebody he can keep under his thumb or he will make them squirm under his bare knuckle!

I am asking you what is the answer to John Newberry who can do this & then drive home to his ranch house in Albuquerque in time to eat dinner with his beautiful Family.

You want to hear my Answer?

I fired up the Raymobile & drove in Newberry’s tracks all the way on that back road I concentrated on his dirty Threats the whole time. I followed his trail until I got to the Interstate. IF HE IS GOING EAST THEN I WILL GO WEST. I WILL GO AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS I CAN UNTIL I FALL OFF THE END OF THE AMERICAN MAP.

 

Oh yes I was coming to a Conclusion—

A person keeps his eyes on the Good he pledges himself & it will hypnotize him & tenderize his Heart so he is looking at flowers & butterflies when Evil is waiting to ambush him. Nor the Good he sees will not protect him it does him Mortal Harm I believe.

I go back to Science here & quote you Sir Isaac Newton’s well-known Law—Every Action Makes A Equal & OPPOSITE reaction. By my personal experience I will say this Law applies to Human Deeds the same. Ergo here is the last Lesson of Life that persons with good intentions will learn: While you smile very brave & whistle a happy tune they sneak up behind your back & kick. It is not the Truth if you believe honesty & suffering etc. triumph in victory by my experience I say it is the Opposite.

I left my old beliefs behind on my way out of New Mexico. I zoomed past the Welcome To Arizona sign I told them good riddance. Altogether I did not stop driving I went 23 Hours nonstop. A changed man! I am all for Crime now I think about all the Good you criminals do in the world! You Killers who let us know how delicate threads hold up every Life…You Thiefs who show us we have to lock up our money & real estate to treasure it…You Cheats & Liars who make us doubt every sincere word we hear…You Pimps who remind us how we come out of meat & the most beautiful desire of a man is only meat in motion…You Perverts who teach us the low Truth about how humans behave when nobody is observing…

Hereby I join you! I will do the Human Race a big favor! I will achieve this by my own strength & will power! I will do the worst thing I can think of & wake you up with it so nobody will get hypnotized by the shiny idea there is something Good alive in the world some Power to help you some Friend to defend you. Then you will not be so helpless when the next Criminal sneaks up. I thank you Newberry for you made me the man I am today!

Now Howard Silverstein comes back for a minute so I can say good-bye to him before I disintegrate into Death.

 

GOOD-BYE MR. SILVERSTEIN!

 

“Ray I’ll be honest with you. You showed some promise in the beginning. How old were you then—18? 19? That’s youth for you. And look what happened.”

“What did happen?”

“The usual thing. Promise. Then less promise. A little less every year. After the ’39 season I knew you didn’t have anything bigger in you than The Green Ray.”

“You’re saying I wasn’t any good after that?”

“So-so. You hit your peak in 1939.”

“The show was on till ’46.”

“Nobody said we were looking for Alfred Lunt to play The Green Ray.”

“I’m sure I had talent.”

“So-so.”

“I’m having trouble accepting this.”

“You want me to lie?”

“I made The Green Ray come alive, Lamont Carruthers said so.”

Mr. Silverstein jiggles his hand in the air. “A one-note samba. I’m not saying you didn’t put any oomph into the part. You did. Plenty of oomph.”

“Then how did I end up on the street?”

“To tell you the truth you got to be a rope around my neck. Not just you. The whole show. Those antics the last night! You want to jump around like a monkey on a chain? Fine. Not at my network. Excuse me if I didn’t want to be your organ grinder.”

“I made you look bad in front of your friends.”

“What else?” he said from the Raymobile backseat.

“What kind of a man I am inside.”

“Not interested.” He starts to fade out. “Who has the time these days?”

In the middle of Arizona in the middle of the night I laid my lead foot on the gas I made the Raymobile eat up the miles of miles. Everything is the same after 5 Seconds. The neon signs going by. The billboards. The coffee shops. The dotted line on the road. I know the things of the world a Sight or a Sound you possess 5 Seconds then pfft the next thing they are a Memory behind me.

 

GOOD-BYE BERNHARDT GRYM!

 

“My darling! Come here! Can I kiss you?” I watch him make a reach for me & then he remembers the Rules. “No,” Bernhardt says very disappointed, “I can’t.”

“That’s your deepest feeling for me?”

“Well…”

“Nothing else?”

“There was something,” Bernhardt is ready to reveal. “Your aroma.”

“Besides the physical I mean.”

“Your aroma of tragedy! What a bouquet you had on you. What a bloom! A whiff is all ordinary people can bear. You could clear a room in 30 Seconds! But I want you to know it attracted me.”

I ponder this point over & I think it is Correct.

“You were born with it my boy! From the second that single sperm out of billions & that egg out of millions met to create you—you knew the sad truth in your tiniest cells…there is no pleasure on Earth that lasts longer than a touch & it’s really all you have a right to hope for.”

“There! You said it—HOPE for,” I jump in here. “I gave people hope. The public didn’t smell my aroma on the Radio.”

“You’re not on the radio now.”

“For 73 Years I didn’t compromise my morals.”

“Bully for you. Show me the rewards. The achievements. No woman. No family. No house. No respect. I don’t want to be unduly cruel about it my dear but you never even owned a washing machine.”

“Sometimes it was false hope.”

“If you can tell me the difference between false hope and the other kind,” Bernhardt drips his words out, “I’ll marry Ronald Reagan.”

I laugh out loud at this.

“My dear darling Ray you’re at the end of a 73 Year Long daydream. Once in a while some small happiness roosted in your shabby gables. For instance when the Mason Examiner paid you $10 for that article about local dinosaur bones. Red-letter days.”

“My name in the newspapers.”

“Your name in the newspapers.”

“A milestone.”

He fades away from me & the last thing I see of Bernhardt is his lordly nose he tilts it in the dark Air. “Where would we be without tragic stories like yours?”

I am going backwards to go forwards. Before I cross the border to California I have to clear my mind.

 

GOOD-BYE DAVID ARCASH!

 

“I finally want to tell you how much you absolutely disgusted me,” I am happy to say out loud.

“Glad to do it,” says David. “Was it my general attitude or was there something in particular?”

“Are you interested?”

He holds up his pinky fingernail I see it in my rearview mirror. “About that much.”

“The way you treated women. It revolted me. You picked them up and threw them away like a used Kleenex.”

“Perfect,” David comes back. “That’s a perfect comparison. The only difference is a Kleenex is clean when you take it out of the box.” He lights a cigarette & drags in a lungful before he has anything else to say. “You think I don’t know what attracts a woman? It’s obvious that you don’t so I’ll keep it simple—Good Looks…Money…Success. They come and they go Ray. It’s all a temporary arrangement.”

“When I see how you ended up so miserable I think somewhere there’s justice in life.”

“Proves my point.”

“It proves what happens if you behave like a barnyard animal. Here’s your whole philosophy of life: what do I eat—when can I sleep—who can I f—”

“Say the word Ray!” (I will not say it I stick to my Principles.) “That’s you all over. Act like you’re too delicate to stand the sound of it.”

“It’s not delicate. It’s standards. High ideals isn’t something a sea slug like you can appreciate!”

“A minute ago I was a barnyard animal. Now I’m a sea slug.”

“I demoted you lower.”

“You amateur.” He laughs at me. “Mr. High & Mighty. Low is the only level there is.” He flicks his cigarette butt out the window. “Everything else is in your imagination. Tell me how you ended up with your high aims and all?”

“Not like you.”

“Exactly like me.” He leans back & looks me over. “You want to hear what women hate about you? Interested?”

I hold up a fingernail not the pinky either the middle one. “From the expert.”

“You said it. It’s not your unappetizing face. It’s not your pathetic bank account. It isn’t even because you blew your only chance of success because you refused to whore yourself around. You scared them off with that radioactive mutant imagination of yours. As ugly as a hairy wart on the end of your nose. You scared Annie right into my bed.”

“Oh sure. Because I had the nerve to act like we had a future together. What’s so ugly about such a romantic intention?”

“Y’know it must be because women get pregnant. They know what a crock romance is. They watch it go from this…”—he cradles his arms—“…to this.” He points at his old face then he points at mine. “If it’s temporary it’s beautiful pal.”

“My emotions for Annie never went.” I try & swallow with my dry mouth. “I don’t want this conversation anymore. I had beautiful emotions,” I say.

“Whatever you say.” David shakes his head. “You don’t look very happy about it.”

“I’m not happy.”

“You never aimed low enough.”

 

GOOD-BYE ANNIE LASALLE!

 

“Tell me what on Earth did I do to deserve such treatment from you. Such disrespect.”

Annie is sitting behind me I can see her face reflecting in my window. Bars of light on her hair roll over & under her curly blond perm when she swivels her head. She leans forward & her Voice screws into my ear—

“You embarrassed me,” she answers.

“By the nice presents?” She nods at me Yes nor she does not stop nodding nor I do not stop for a breath. “By buying you lunch? Or dinner once in a while? By calling you on the telephone? By treating you like somebody special when you gave me the chance to? For crissakes Annie—because I singled you out?”

“Lucky me.” She twists her knife. “You treated me like you were the special one Ray not me.”

“It was special how you made me feel. I peeled my skin back to show you. Out of everybody I showed you the tender feelings I had.”

“You never gave me a choice.” She laughs at me her hard laugh it sparkles for a second like splinters of glass. “You cornered me with all that flowery attention. I didn’t want the honor!”

This mistake depresses me if by her it was only flowery attention! So I hasten & correct this. “It was enthusiasm! I thought women appreciated it when a man shows some enthusiasm,” I say.

“You selfish crumb! It’s all my fault?” Annie slumps back out of the Light & she has a lot more to say to me now I can not see her face very clear. “Everything you did came with a fishhook in it. You bought me flowers to show what a passionate man you are. I hated it. After dinner in a restaurant every time you pawed at my hands across the table. Every squeeze went into me like a electric shock with you waiting for me to squeeze you back. Why didn’t you take the hint when you couldn’t get me on the phone? By the way if you’re still thinking my sister forgot to tell me you called or I lost your phone number listen to this—I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I don’t even remember half the things you wrote me in those letters every other day. Those newspaper clippings! What did anybody discovering the planet Pluto have to do with you an’ me? You embarrassed me almost every day. The way you watched me walk down the hall waiting for me to tell you what a wonderful man you are…”

“I couldn’t give up on you so easy.”

“You were desperate.”

“Sí sí. He’s a desperate kind of a man. A starving kind of desperado sometime. I think so.”

 

GOOD-BYE AMELIA VASQUEZ!

 

“You lost me.

“You lost me,” Amelia says. She is not coming at me very angry but she is disappointed is my guess. “It’s such a bad time and I fine out I can’t depen’ on you. By Tres Osos I know what soft kind of a man you are Ray.”

I think this opinion is not 100% fair since I was blacked out in her bed at the time. Or what did she die thinking? While Nilo was kicking her around the kitchen I was hiding in bed with the blankets & pillows over my head?

“He was in your bed?” Annie gasps.

“I take him there sure.”

“Did he kiss you? You let him?”

“Sí sí.”

“Eewy!”

“And more with him.”

Annie wrestles this thought into her brain this picture of a real woman who takes my manhood serious. “He French-kissed you? With his tongue in your mouth?”

“Sí sí.”

“Eew! He’s got such fishy lips!”

“I don’t let him kiss me so much.” Amelia lets the Truth come out. “He’s no very bad for a lover. I take worse mens in my bed.”

“I might be sick.” Annie turns very chalk white.

“Out the window,” I say & I open it for her by the remote button. Such fresh air blows in & hits my face it spurs me. “What does this business about my lips matter so much? So what I’m all left feet in the mattress dancing department! You judge me on that?”

“You think you know somethings better?”

“Of course! How I wanted to help the helpless and defend the defenseless for one thing.”

“Good job,” they both say very sarcastic.

“How come a man’s principles don’t count with you? Asleep or awake they were inside me Amelia.”

“You don’t make a difference to me now. Hm?” Amelia’s brown face sinks down under the brown sand. “What you think is nothing. What you do is something.”

I can tell you a true thing about the sporty women in those tennis shorts they wear in Los Angeles California & the manner they tie their shirts in the Calypso style it is a very fetching sight to a man. I do not have the appetite to slow down & linger on them I just want to make a point here concerning the geography i.e. it affects the fashion the wild canyon is their Scenery. It is the same even if it has a road going through it from end to end even if it has a house in every cranny it is the same wild place underneath.

A house or a trailer park can not hide the Prehistoric ground. The bends of the modern asphalt travel in the direction of the curves of the hill & the fences tiptoe around the edge of the sharp Ravines below. That canyon did not get buried under Civilization it is the same place underneath it was in the Ancient days when lizards & insects enjoyed it all to themselves. Unless a Earthquake crumbles it into the Pacific Ocean or some other Act of God rubs it out Know the lizards & insects & red ants or whatever will still be there when dirt clods & weeds cover over that asphalt 10 Feet thick.

“Amelia! I should have trusted your advice more…I should have treasured your love more…I should have stayed awake…I should have stayed where I belonged back East…I should have known my human limits…”

“You should’ve put air in your back tires.”

A wiggle from the rear end of the Raymobile & the alarm bells went ringing in my ears—& the next second the wheels swerved out from under & the road turned into Vaseline—I went skidding sideways around a curve downhill—the back whipped around it spun me straight into the powdery mountainside & bounced me by my front bumper—I punched my Brakes with both feet it did not stop me spinning it pulled me by the rear backwards across the oncoming Lane & crashed into the fence out of control—I ripped right through it & then the Force of Gravity took over—

I am plunging down into the boulders & shrubs & like a idiot I am trying to steer in a straight line! With my fingers wrapped around the wheel going white & my molars locked together the Raymobile is sliding down like a bobsled—rocks crashing under the axles & the skinny bushes slapping the windows & plastering my windshield—I can see black smoke from the motor & a spray of steam when the hood peels off & the whole car rolls over so I am going down 100 M.P.H. on my doors—the shrieking & squealing of metal tearing comes on top of the smell of burning rubber & when I plough into the gravel at the bottom I am not happy I survived that bumpy ride I am scared I am going to get burned to a crispy noodle—my seat belt is jammed it hangs tight it hangs me there in the driver’s seat—

It is a good Ford buckle but it did not stand up to a screwdriver + Panic so I did not get burned to a crispy noodle I survived unbroken which is not how the Raymobile ended up. My dear car my dear Friend ended up very pathetic on its side helpless in the dirt like a crashed bomber which left broken pieces of its body stuck in the bushes above. A hubcap over here & the exhaust pipe over here the side mirror & rear bumper over there. And my door was on the ground a few feet away in the water of the gully. Hereby I pay my Final Tribute to that beautiful car let me put it like this: I have a tear in my eye when I tell you the Raymobile died so I could live.

It was my Honor to drive you over rough miles & smooth ones. Rest In Peace!

Likewise I sat down for a rest to catch my Breath but I did not get 1 Minute of peace. The sight of my car door torn off like a chicken wing hit me bad enough but worse I saw how somebody’s dirty hands tampered with it. Where the vinyl lining got scraped off underneath that ripped skin a $100 bill was flapping in the breeze. I do not think the Ford Motor Company stuffs money inside Country Squire station wagon doors on the assembly line! So I investigated further & I examined very close. I stopped counting when I had $5,000 in my hands plus something extra—grimy white powder I will say a nice Sample of Merchandise from Newberry’s traveling drugstore.

Maybe it penetrates direct into your skin when you touch it I think so because I felt funny from then I almost fainted. My head & my stomach started aching me terrible but my Senses did not go. I saw the gun poking up from under the back wheel & this worried me if a Child would find it & play with it like a toy how dangerous it is so I dug it out & took it with me.

And I picked up my briefcase out of the mud & a few pages of my Official File which I found floating in the stream. Then I got the idea of how dangerous this item is i.e. even more dangerous for me personal in this situation because how am I supposed to explain it to a normal person passing by? Or a law enforcement officer arriving to help? How can I explain all the background facts on the spot if all the Evidence is piled up so high against me?

CONGRATULATIONS NEWBERRY! YOUR PLAN WORKED PERFECT SO FAR!

You made me act against my Will you made me go against my Good Judgment. You made me do what you wanted me to so you had me in your Power.

You made me think like a Criminal!

I did not hang around & stew in my sorry juice I did not wait for the Los Angeles Police to find me beside the Scene of the Accident I got away as fast as I could climb to the boulders on top of the rim wherefrom I saw a sight that wrenched my heart very bad. Oh my long lost Raymobile! Broken pieces of its skin & bones on the side of the hill & its corpse lying in its Final Resting Place.

Also my condition was not too hot i.e. mainly around my rib area. I believe I got a permanent injury in that crash. The pains in my head also the sharp pressure cutting in. I lament how this broke me in half how this terrible business gave me Low Desires. I mean revenge therefore I defeat my own purpose. He made me suffer this way so he should suffer likewise.

Off the side of my eye I saw the black & white Police car halt by the hole in the rail where I crashed through. Then a ambulance parked behind also a tow truck so you had half a dozen persons hiking down the slope. The Officers crawled all over the car wreck to search for the driver & when they found the Bloodstains from the Mexican & Nilo on the backseat I watched them very close.

In the freezing cold I stayed put but the idea of a warm Police Station did not tempt me it did the opposite. It ashames me in this late time of my Life now the Police are not my partners in Crime Stopping anymore they are my stumbling block. What fat tears I cried in my shirt! “Help…help me…” I kept my Voice down to myself because who can save me from this can hurt me more. “Ooh-hoo…help…” The words did not leak through my fingers they only bubbled on my lips but I did not stop crying I did not hold in my tears I let the sticky rivers come rolling out.

You can say I overdid the excitement on the physical side. Dr. Godfrey if you are reading this you will diagnose my symptoms & Conclude it is a case of exhaustion nor I do not deny I was pooped out on all fronts but behind the rock I started to shiver from the force of it. My hands dropped in the dirt like dead birds. I did not hear a Sound anywhere around I do not think I was completely in the Land of the living because my only view was the Ocean & the bonfires of the Sun shrinking down on the other side.

Ergo you can answer me it was a Optical Illusion on my part SO WHAT. If you are a Psychiatrist you can analyze it came out of my delirious inner thoughts SO WHAT. Or if you are a Scientist you can explain it to me by the curvation of the Earth plus a disturbance in the Atmosphere etc. but I know by my personal experience what I saw. That sheet of clear Light it flashed before my eyes & sent cold heat roaring through me when I witnessed the Green Ray—

Such a green fan of Light spread out over the whole surface of the water! As fast as I could blink it lit up the entire Ocean. Nor this is not a freak of Nature that came out of nowhere it is as real as I am. As old as the Air! The Green Ray did not change in a billion years it goes back further even before any person was alive on the Earth to see it. The Green Ray I saw was the same the first time it appeared. And when the worldly conditions are right & it comes back it is going to be the same thing again if anybody is alive to view it or not. For the Green Ray stretches out Eternal over the long dead & the yet to be long dead. Amen.

A black smirch would be on my Conscience if I killed myself before I wrote of this Marvel. And likewise a smirch on my Reputation if I ignored the vital message it shined out to me in the beautiful clear green Light I saw aiming back East.

 

I just went over & opened the front window again I am getting a little hot under the collar but I am leaving the Venetians down. By this arrangement I can keep my Defense Line going & still get a nice breeze in the room. Plus I can hear if anybody is sneaking up the stairs from the Pool Area or if he got in by the garage.

So far it is normal out there for 4:09 A.M. no activity in the driveway but he must be in Mason somewhere. I am guessing here but I expect John Newberry to show any minute. He is going to break in on me like a burglar because in his worked-up Mental Condition over Dolores I doubt if he planned any attack strategy in detail. Ergo I am 100% sure he will not be in the mood to wait a minute & listen to me like a sensible Human Being. I know how he enjoys jumping to Violence so I regret I am not going to get a chance to explain what happened.

 

I am not Bing Crosby so I can say WHO CARES if I lied to a Nun. By my recent contacts I come to the conclusion Nuns do not regard the discoveries of Science to the full they do not recognize the true seeds of the Universe. Religion forbids. At Mount Holyoak which they tell me is the best in the State they do not teach those children about the Theory of Atomic Particles or even the shape of the Solar System is minor to their official views. I admit I have a personal grudge against them going back 350 Years i.e. I will never forgive them for how they made Life so miserable for Nicolaus Copernicus and the way they treated Galileo Galilei of Italy. They made him deny the Scientific Truth when he was the only person who witnessed what was really going on in the Universe. Instead of the Earth revolving around the Sun they believe in the sins on the Soul of a little girl.

The Chief Nun who met me in her office gave me a cup of coffee & a few butter cookies on a plate with a doily a very polite gesture since I did not even ask for a glass of water. My view is I rated the deluxe treatment for being a interested party who came down in person to show some concern about the level of Education they practice there. The smell of old carpets & soup came off her dress which I sniffed when she swished by me & settled in her chair behind her desk.

“Bishop Kinney’s been here all morning.” She ended this bulletin on a sharp sigh. “And he just left so I’m a little behind right now.”

“We used to say it’s better to be a little behind than a big ass-ss-ss,” which misfortunate word very quick I choked off in a hacking cough. “Pardon me.”

Her Assistant Nun came in & handed her a stack of papers & folders which she started reading while she talked to me. “He dives into everything. I don’t know where he gets the energy. Even if we are his favorite.”

“What was he busy with today? His Holiness.”

“Chili. The 4th Grade is cooking chili for Saturday. It’s their turn to make a hot lunch for the deprived children in the area. Bishop Kinney is a real expert on chili con carne.”

“Did they pass the taste test?”

“Not enough chili peppers. Those boys and girls are mostly Mexicans over past State Street. They’re used to it being a lot spicier.”

“You should’ve put Dolores in the kitchen. She knows all about authentic Tex-Mex.”

She flipped the cover of Dolores’s school Record open. “Your niece isn’t in the 4th Grade yet. I get to know every one of our girls but she’s only been here a few days. You know we’ve put her back with the 7 Year olds.”

My sip of coffee went cold in my mouth. “But she’s as smart as anything! My God her sense of humor…”

“I explained it to your brother-in-law on Monday.”

“Oh. I haven’t talked to John since last week,” I said. “I’m just surprised you didn’t put her in with the 10-year-olds at least.”

“Dolores has some catching up to do. She hasn’t been in school as often as she should have been. By her age our girls have already had their First Communion.”

“Is that the regular schedule or do you accelerate here?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. You want to know about her schedule?”

“O.K.”

“Sister Veronica teaches 2nd Grade. You probably want to talk to her. Since Dolores is new at Mount Holyoak we’re beginning at the beginning with her. She’s never been instructed in the catechism,” the Nun put this to me very blunt. “Has she.”

“Her mother never brought it up. I’m not sure.”

“It’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. Her father was very definite about it.”

“He’s a very definite kind of person.”

“It’s usually the mothers who get involved more with the 7s & 8s. Dolores is lucky she’s got a Daddy who wants to give her so much of himself.”

“Lucky ducky.”

“I don’t mean as a substitute. I know Dolores must feel lost so far away from her mother. It’s a shame.”

“That’s what it is.”

“Marital separations are always worse on the children. I hope I don’t sound bold saying this to you. I said it to Mr. Newberry. He thinks there’s every chance she’ll come back to the family again.”

“I doubt it very much.”

“Nothing’s as hopeless as you think it is.”

I used the excuse of swilling the last drop of coffee around in my cup & swallowed the brown mouthful before I said, “Her mother is dead.”

A instant pink rash of embarrassment flushed up to the surface of the Chief Nun’s face & her throat. Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth & she peeled it loose to ask me, “Isn’t she in Mexico?”

“Yes. Amelia is buried there.”

“Oh the poor man.” Thinking of Newberry!

In the lull she did not know how to drop the matter so I kept the conversation ball rolling. I counted out all the bills I still had left from the $5,000 I found in the Raymobile—after the airplane ticket + the Rent-a-Car + my new seersucker suit it came out to $2,317 even.

“Nothing tremendous,” I said. Then I took back $15. “Sorry. I need this for gas.”

This generous surprise Donation took the heat off our discussion very successful it changed the topic. “It’s…well thank you…it’s…I’ll send this to the Registrar.”

“I know you didn’t ask me but I’ll tell you something about why. I want to be involved in her education. To help her along the right path.”

She was dwelling on the previous. “I’ll get you a receipt.”

“No rush.”

“It has to be done anyway. And then you can deduct it from your income tax.” She found a pink financial pad in her drawer & wrote out the necessary.

“You can mail it to me in care of my brother-in-law in Albuquerque. John’s in charge of all my legal business now.”

She was still scribbling she held her eyes down on her work. “You’re married to Mrs. Newberry’s sister?”

For small talk it made me nervous. “It’s a complicated story.”

“I apologize. This visit is about Dolores.”

“Can you explain it to me step by step why she’s back with the 7 Year olds doing this communion business? In my opinion I think it’s better for her this year if she learns about some other subjects first and gets to the religious side later. Did she tell you how she’s interested in fossils?”

“You know what happens when you build on sand Mr. Green.”

“No. What.”

She let out a breath. “You really don’t have to worry about a thing. We won’t rush her. Dolores is learning at her own speed. She already knows her Hail Mary in Spanish and she only trips over a few of the words in English. We’ll get her there in the end.” And she stood up on this Final Note but it was still gonging in my ear so I sat like a mule.

“Pardon my yen to know what’s exactly what…”

I do not know if the Pope commands all Nuns to act patient toward the idiots & numbskulls of this world but if he does I owe him a favor. Because she did not lead me out the door she sat down & scooted her chair in & opened up like a flower. “If I can pull a few strings for the sake of Mount Holyoak I’m not ashamed to tell you I’ll pull with the best of them. I’m sorry if our gain is St. Cecilia’s loss but I persuaded His Grace to send his brother to us this year.” She let this joyous news sink in then she announced his name. “Father Peter Kinney. The author?” Then she acquainted me with the fact Channel 2 made a Christmas cartoon special from his children’s books.

“I missed that show,” I said.

“He’s a real Pied Piper to the 2nd Grade,” the Sister Nun told me. “I’ve seen him with Dolores. I think there’s something special going on between those two. Father Peter was in Guatemala for a year so he speaks Spanish like a native.”

“What’s between him and Dolores?”

“It’s a gift he’s got. Father Peter helps children understand how much it means to make their First Confession. How it feels inside to present their conscience to God. They all want to please him.”

“There. You said it in a nutshell Sister. Dolores is a terrific girl. You can skip over all that business with her & put her in the age group where she belongs. It’s a waste of everybody’s time to go into her conscience. Nothing bad’s in there. I can vouch for her all the way.”

“Will you be back in June for her first communion?” she asked me.

But I did not reveal the information. All I said was, “I hope so.”

“I do too. You don’t want to see her in church repeating words she doesn’t mean. I’m sure you’d like her to know there’s more to attending Mount Holyoak than singing along with ‘Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam.’”

“I’m not saying she doesn’t get into the normal kind of shenanigans Sister. But her conscience. What’s in there she should be ashamed of?”

And I heard how Mount Holyoak does not build so much on modern ideas & Liberal ways. I heard how Dolores has to learn how God does not appreciate it when she acts bold. Or when she keeps Secrets or spreads gossip. I stopped listening to every word that Nun spieled about how many of her girls went off to Holy Orders & how many married Senators & Congressmen la-dee-doo-dah but another idea nagged on my mind which I presented to her Conscience all right—

“Can I ask you to put my donation in a certain area?”

“It depends. Nothing exotic ever survives His Grace’s budget meetings.”

“Microscopes.”

The Chief Nun laughed for once very surprising it was a warm laugh. “Up till now it’s just been between our missionary fund & our building fund. But I’ll make a note.” She laughed again quieter. “Microscopes for the high school from Mr. Green.”

She allowed me to take a peek at Dolores in her class. I looked at her through a window in the door. Since she was in her uniform sitting in a row in the middle of maybe 40 Girls it was not easy to pick her out especially with my blurry vision. Until I caught the side of her face the round line of her cheek it is the same round line of her Mama I never recognized before how much she brings back Amelia.

I had to stand out of the way & let those girls pile out of the room. As soon as Dolores saw me she pushed around the ones who clogged the door. “Uncle Ray!”

I bent down & we hugged each other so tight we did not want to let go but when the Sister Nun joined our party I kissed the top of Dolores’s head & I straightened up.

“Dolores can I hear your Hail Mary?” she smiles down.

Out of the side of my mouth I encourage her, “Your teacher said I could take you out for lunch if you can do it perfect.”

“Let your Uncle Ray hear how you learned it from Father Peter.”

“Then we’ll go get a hamburger and a chocolate malted.”

Dolores follows this conversation over her head like she is following the Bouncing Ball & finally she looks straight ahead into empty Space & starts off, “Hail Mary mother of…”

A correction from above, “Full of grace.”

“Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee. Hail Mary…”

“Blessed art thou.”

“Blessed art thou among women…And blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.”

“That’s very good,” I say also I break out in a soft round of applause. “How’s that?” So I get the silent correction from Sister Nun. “I mean how is it so far?”

“Go on Dolores. Blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.”

“Jesus,” Dolores joined in. “Holy Mary full of…”

“Mother of.”

“Mother of…”

“Holy Mary mother of.”

“Holy Mary mother of God pray for us sisters now…”

“Pray for us sinners now.”

“Pray for us sinners now…and when I…”

“In the.”

“In the…”

“Pray for us sinners now and in the.”

“Pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our dead.”

“Hour of our death. Not dead. Of our death.”

When Dolores recited the whole Poem over again with no mistakes it choked me up to hear such a thing. How they can plant the worms of those ideas to dig into her tender Conscience. I apologize if it is Blasphemy to you but it is a disgrace in my opinion. What does a little girl know from Sin & Wombs & Death?

“You like going to school there doll? With Father Peter and everything?” I took my eyes off the road for a second to see her face in the rearview.

“Nun-uh.”

“No? You don’t?”

I definitely saw her shake her head NO. If she answered me YES in any form I would pull into the next coffee shop & stick to the hamburger plan according to what I promised the Sister Nun. But my innocent question led to another one. “Do you want to stay with me instead?”

She scooted up to the edge of the rear seat. “I have to go back to Mount Holyoak.”

“Not if you don’t want to.” Which gave me a brave feeling to tell her this. It encouraged me I am not in the wrong.

“Yes I do.” Dolores slumped back & kicked her feet up on the upholstery. “I have to get my purse.”

I did not slow down or turn around I put on the gas. I told Dolores to lie down until we got out past the City Limits of Santa Fe. I will buy her a brand new pink purse I pledged—& 100 Silver Dollars & a dozen lucky Fossils & start everything from the beginning with her.

JUSTICE is in my hand once & for all! I can make her Life better all around especially in Education. Teach her Geology how she can read the Story of the Earth from layers of dirt. The Painted Desert is a good place for that lesson. And teach her about Charles Darwin and how Human Beings evolved from Africa. The Big Bang & the Law of Gravity & E = MC² etc. as much as I can explain about the Galaxies and other wonders of Nature. Play her my records of Jack Benny also Burns & Allen also Duke Ellington & other great bandleaders for instance Artie Shaw. Read to her from the works of the great William Shakespeare. Also teach her World Events before she was born. About Life on the East Coast & what was doing with me in Philadelphia when I was her age leading up to when I went to New York City. Mainly about my days on the Radio.

“I’ll show you what the Green Ray looks like in California. It’s out of this world,” I said & twisted around to look over the back of the seat. The sight which met my eyes made me lose my grip & swerve almost off the road—Dolores already stripped her uniform off & she threw out her skirt & her jacket before I hit the right button & put up her window.

So she moves over to the other side & throws out her stiff shirt & her shoes & socks laughing her head off with all the windows going up & down because I can not locate the correct buttons & stay a jump ahead of her. My little Angel is perched on the armrest in the middle of the backseat in her undershirt & white tights informing me we just went by a A&W Root Beer Stand also how she needs to go wee-wee.

“Can you hold it a little while?” She nods yes she can. “Good girl,” I congratulate her & I concentrate on my driving so I do not run a red light or go over the Speed Limit.

I consider what Dolores did was a normal shenanigan for a 8 year old girl ergo this is not a case for Discipline. A decent Father has to make 100 decisions a day like that for the Good of his Child he should be present at all times so he can judge what is correct. He has to be in sympathy. I do not defend my mistakes over her but when you add it all up you will come to the fair Conclusion that I would be a better Father for her than John Newberry.

Diet is the main thing to consider when it comes to a growing Child. In spite of the beautiful adobe buildings I doubt if the meals at Mount Holyoak are very nutritious. Going by the boiled smells of the Cafeteria I would say they rely too much on corn & carrots. So I was only going to stop over at Pecan St. to pick up a few necessities & make a hot dinner for us. I bought the best chicken plus fresh vegetables & applesauce my favorite dish. I believe the market I went to was a Safeway or Food King. One of those or a Garden Basket in Las Cruces I believe cash register Number 11. I plead with you go & find the checkout girl she will vouch for how beautiful Dolores acted with me & vice versa. That Japanese girl helped me pick out a cute T-shirt with a goofy bumblebee on it for Dolores to wear. This time I regret nobody from the F.B.I. was following me around taking pictures I could show you how happy we were together.

 

I walked in the front door of my apartment & I got a welcome from the ripe smell of dirty laundry from the hamper in the bedroom. It clung on the stuffy Atmosphere as heavy as fog you know what it did not smell terrible it was my own Aroma there. Look how a person’s home is enshrined in his memory down to every Molecule even if he rents!

Dolores did not follow me in on my heels she stood next to the door when I went in the kitchen nor she would not budge further. She waited for permission on the border of my domain. The way Newberry trained her. So I invited her very gentle by her hand & shut the door behind us.

“You want to go to the bathroom sweetheart?” I showed her where & she made me leave the door open then I left her alone so I could get the chicken started.

On my way I slid the chain on the front door This is my place & the rest of the World is outside. Except this is a false way to think. It is only a thin door separating. The air seeps in & my aroma leaks out so to say Troubles will enter likewise I believe. They follow a person they come in at the same time. You can forget about what is done & what is doing but you can not get protection from the rest of the World.

Dolores found me up to my elbows washing the chicken in the sink. “No more toilet tissue,” she planted her feet & made this announcement.

“You used up the end of it or you didn’t have any?”

“Didn’t have any.”

“Did you go Number 1 or Number 2?”

“Number 1.”

“Tell me if you need to do the other. I’ll go borrow a roll from next door. Wash your hands?” She nodded she did. “Let me see.”

She held them up I should inspect them & wipe them dry with a dish towel. “I don’t like chicken,” she said.

“You’ll like it the way I cook it,” I guaranteed her. “Let’s go in the living room a minute.”

“Can I watch T.V. until the news is on?”

I fished out the National Geographic with the Children of Every Continent pictures Dolores could enjoy to herself. “I need to rest a little in my chair. Let’s keep things quiet O.K. dear? No T.V. right now.”

I dropped the Venetians so nobody could spot I was back in temporary residence & I landed in the warm seat of my green leather armchair. It fits every bulge & lump of my Physique I forgot it is so comfortable to sit there it is the lap of a lovable giant. I forgot I was so pooped from head to toe. So much I hardly moved a single aching muscle I just sat there staring at the dust Particles that shook out of the slats of the blinds I watched them dance & float & drift in the layers of pale sunlight.

“Look Uncle Ray,” Dolores spoke up she was pointing at the window.

A sharp scare stabbed me in the stomach when I looked over & then it faded fast—Newberry is not going to climb up a ladder & break in by the window! He is not going to dangle down on a elastic rope from the roof! I went back to touching the smooth brown patches on the arms of my chair where my palms wore off the color for 50 Years.

“Why does it do that?”

She meant the sparkling dust in the Air. Even if you are too pooped to pop you should give your Child sincere Attention & answer every question. “They reflect the light. See? “I patted the upholstery & another spray of dust spread out from it. “They’re practically microscopic those little particles.”

Dolores watched so close I think she was trying to pick out a lonely speck of that dust & follow its movements. She held her hand up in the stripes of light coming in over the sofa. “Those are sunbeams,” she said 100% sure of this Scientific Fact.

“I’ll tell you something interesting,” I said. “Here’s an unbelievable thing. It takes 8 Minutes for each sunbeam to reach here. It has to go 93 Million Miles from the surface of the Sun to the surface of the Earth.” It is another thing to get a Child to give you sincere attention the same especially if they have dust particles to look at. “They reflect the sunlight,” I tried again. “That’s what happens with the moon. Moonlight is really from the Sun reflecting down.”

“Oh.”

I think she did not appreciate the information as much as she was enjoying the Ballet of the Dancing Dust. She slapped the cushions to bring out some more & a thin cloud puffed around her. Rembrandt van Rijn could paint a Masterpiece if he saw Dolores in that moment.

A sneeze squeaked out of her which swirled the dots of dust into crazy orbits & this Effect made her laugh very strenuous. I believe Atomic Particles travel in similar curves. Those Quarks for instance. I wonder if household dust is where Scientists got the inspiration. Who am I to command Dolores what to appreciate? Let her enjoy Beauty where she finds it—

So I joined in on her level I patted out some more which floated around through the shadows again now you see them now you lose them. “You can see where the light is,” I demonstrated to her. But I did not ruin her fun & tell her how dust does not defy Gravity forever it settles down on the T.V. tray & on my hi-fi eventually so somebody has to wipe it with a damp rag. Nor I avoided the specifics what they are those Particles—dead skin cells flakes of bodily dirt & hairs wings of insects & living mites etc. which look revolting if you look at them close.

Dolores played the cushions like a tom-tom & the dust swarmed all over in the Air. She breathed it in & coughed it out & she was laughing Hysterical. Even when it turned into more coughing than laughing we kept on drumming my sofa to the Jungle Beat. In this time it only sounded like a tickle caught in there a dry cough a little feather in the back of her throat.

I got her a cup of water from the Sparkletts but she was hacking too hard to swallow it. She choked out a few words which cut into me like a buzz saw. “I need my medicine.” Her mouth popped open then she tried to drag in a Breath & said it again very frightened. “I need my medicine!”

“Oh Jesus Christ. Oh honey.” I heard her lungs whistling & in 5 more seconds Dolores’s face was hot & red. And the most terrible pain I felt was her fingers pinching my arm so hard to get me to help her. I would breathe for her if I could I would sweat Asthma Medicine out of my skin!

By my memory this is when the choking started very bad when it sounded like both of her lungs trying to squeeze through her mouth to reach some air. She folded up on the floor kicking her feet in every wild direction. I watched a Tantrum of pain & panic a wounded animal trapped in a net nor I was not strong enough to rip her free. When I reached to hug her she pushed me away but that was her Body taking over for itself Dolores did not realize what she was doing anymore only fighting for her breath.

“No!” I shook her shoulders & laid her down straight & remembered step by step the Kiss Of Life. I pushed my mouth over hers & blew my breath in her still she lay there limp. I tried again but her lips did not stay open they got very slippery from the Mucus of her nose & tears so I did not have a airtight grip & when I blew my breath again by some Convulsion she bit me very hard & cut my tongue open. This is the explanation of Blood on her face & on my shirt.

I did not waste a minute & wait for a Ambulance I picked Dolores up & ran with her in my arms. Jesse Owens could not run faster to Dr. Godfrey.

“Help me!” I broke in on him.

The shocking sight of us did not slow him down he put Dolores right away on the table with a Oxygen mask she was in the best of hands. He worked on her to his utmost he gave Dolores the highest care. What counts in a medical crisis is know-how not worry & tears so I was outside the examination room when I heard him tell Nurse Peterson, “They don’t have to hurry. Tell Memorial there’s no emergency.”

It is my honor to state Dr. Godfrey is a friend of mine above & beyond the fact he is my doctor. He did not pepper me with questions about Who? What? When? Where? How? or Why? He accepted my short version of Events. Dolores was in my care for a few days. She was in Mount Holyoak. She used to live with her Mama in Mexico. Hereby I urge whoever is in charge of the Investigation please you should give Dr. Godfrey a copy of this note he deserves to hear the whole Story. Thank You.

From where I sat it looked like every nerve in Dr. Godfrey’s face was straining under his skin from the emotion of it. He said, “Some strange things have been going on around here lately. Are you all right Ray?”

“Yes. No. Not really.”

“Maybe you missed all the hoo-hah. It’s funny—” He stopped he broke off looking at me. “That young girl who was in the newspaper. Incredible story. I didn’t believe it happened. Not like they reported it.”

“I know who you mean.”

“You were around for that. Ray—”

I hoisted myself out of the chair but a icy spiderweb of pain caught my chest & I dropped back down. “Is it cold in here?”

“You feel sick to your stomach?” His hand on my forehead.

“No…Am I going to?”

He unbuttoned my shirt he pulled up my undershirt & shook his head very grim over the view. All of my bruises my souvenirs my black & blue splotches my cuts my raw red scabs my sagging body so beaten & finished. “Where have you been?”

“I don’t know.”

“I read something interesting in the A.M.A. journal about Chinamen last week. They pay their doctors when they feel healthy and they stop paying when they get sick. What do you think Ray? Think that kind of arrangement could ever catch on in this country?”

I admit I stopped concentrating on Chinamen before he got to the end of the sentence my mind already slipped off to another subject. “Maybe you can tell me something. But if you can’t then don’t make up a nice answer so I feel better all right?”

“Ask me.”

“Is there any proof what a soul is?”

“Depends what you mean.”

“Did any doctors or scientists ever do research to find out if it’s real? Maybe you ran across some article about it in a specialist publication. If any brain surgeon might have discovered a shred of evidence the general public hasn’t heard about yet.”

“Nothing like that. I don’t keep up on all the literature though.”

“I just wondered.”

“There was somebody in Europe I think about 15 Years ago,” he said. “A neurologist in Sweden who was doing some interesting work on consciousness.”

“That’s it. Brain waves. Mental energy. That makes sense.” He let me talk. “It fits in perfect with my theory. There’s electricity in every brain cell. Every thought is a spark of electricity.”

“A small one. You’d get a bigger charge from a nylon carpet.”

“And you can’t destroy electricity. So therefore—”

“A little electric eel swimming in the Amazon generates more voltage catching a bug for lunch than Mozart’s brain did when he wrote Don Giovanni.”

“No. It’s different. In here—” I drummed my fingertips on my forehead. “It isn’t just chew & swallow in here. Human beings evolved different from fish. The sparks in my brain they’re ideas. My memories. Individual personal brain waves and…and if that doesn’t add up to my immortal soul then you can tell me what does.”

“Nothing does.” He shook his head very low.

“The ancient Egyptians had the idea also the Greeks. And 2,000 years before the Hebrew people took it for granted everybody came with a soul inside them. Before that too. In China.”

“People always want to deny the basic facts of life. In particular how it’s so short.”

“That doesn’t prove there’s no such thing as a soul. I think it proves there is.”

“You’re right Ray,” very sad he agreed. “It doesn’t prove anything.”

“Everything real in the world starts out as something imaginary. A building does. A baseball game. A mathematical equation. Take E = MC²—it’s imaginary but it’s something real in the world too. You see it everywhere you look.”

“Keep working on it Ray. It’s a promising theory. I wish I could believe there actually is something else standing between the grind of our lives and this mortal fear I’ve got that there’s no point to a single minute of it.” Dr. Godfrey wiped his damp forehead on the heels of his hands. “But you can’t really say anything like that has much of a survival value can you.”

“I tried to give her the kiss of life,” I answered him even if he did not ask. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You did the best you could do in the circumstances. Did you know she was asthmatic?”

“Usually she’s got her medicine with her in a little bag. But since she’s at Mount Holyoak the nuns don’t let her carry it with her uniform.” I said it the way I remembered it. “So it got left in her locker when I picked her up.”

“If you want me to tell her father you can give me his number. Or would you rather?”

“No. Tell him. Special Agent John Newberry. His office is the F.B.I. in Albuquerque. He can find me at home.”

“Whatever you want Ray.” His Voice was infected by my sad tone. “You spend 31 Years in this business and you think sooner or later you’ll get used to it. But it’s worse when you see a child go. It hits me harder. I swear to God when it stops affecting me like this that’s the day I’ll retire.”

“Me too.” From the door I said, “I’ll go back to my apartment and wait for him.”

 

Anything that is made you can not destroy it either Matter or Energy it can only change. This is a Scientific fact this is a Law of Nature. Ergo when I use this gun my manly form is going to change so much you will not recognize it anymore. All I have to do is fire a bullet & that is it The End of me.

SO WHAT I am very happy about this eventual fate. By me Death is only the end of one thing & the beginning of something else nor this is not just wishful thinking either. There is plenty of Evidence & data on this Theory there is plenty of proof from the realm of Science.

Look at a banana. From a green bud to a yellow piece of nutritious fruit to being brown & rotten just a stain of starch & sugar Molecules. That is the Life Cycle of a banana. Or a boulder for instance. Time will grind it down into a pile of sand on the beach. Or even my dear Raymobile started out shiny in the Ford showroom & today it is a junkyard rustbucket. Nothing in the world can avoid this Condition every item you can name has to disintegrate in the earthly Oxygen.

And look Beyond besides. A Human Being is small potatoes compared to the Stars and a Star does not last forever. The Sun is going to boil down to its smallest parts at a certain time. Down to its Molecules & further down to its Atoms and that tradition applies to a person the same.

I consider this amazing fact & I am calm all over. How I am made out of Atomic Particles from the opening day of the Universe. The cells of my flesh & blood they are just a different Arrangement of the original Atoms of the Big Bang. I have the seeds of that explosion in every part of my body those violent Atoms are buzzing in my trigger finger this minute. Maybe this is the explanation of Violence in the world it is the Past breaking out of us.

Nor the Stars can not escape their Doom so how can I? A star will repeat the Past when it runs out of gas—BOOM!—it collapses it explodes it disintegrates & sprays out its mortal remains but that is not the end of the Story. Clouds of Stardust float out in empty space and then the effect of Gravity takes over.

Some Particles cling together by Magnetic Force & roam into the Gravity Field of another burning sun which attracts them & turns them into the core of a new Heavenly Body. Or other Atoms will attach in the right conditions in the cosmic dust & ignite each other and then there is the core of a new Star. In the future new Stars will cover the sky in new patterns which is a sight I regret I will not live long enough to see.

 

Here is my personal Conclusion—

I believe there’s a force inside every Event in my Life in every different sensation—what I heard & saw what I said & did every Past Episode which stays in my Mind—and they add up the same way Microscopic coral animals add up to a reef. Everything I remember. The Atoms of my Being. I preserve them all together in my Brain Waves I believe my Soul is located there. (Dr. Godfrey write to that doctor in Sweden! See if his Research agrees with my ideas!)

It is a Medical fact when I die my body will lose its grip from head to toe nor my brain will not have any strength left. So it can not hold in my individual Atoms anymore & they will rise out fly apart & travel upward into the Air & Beyond. Up there they circle around in the Gravity Field of the Earth & all of my Particles will mix into the millions of millions which rise out of other people’s ended lives.

The sight of Annie walking down the hall in the Liberty Building—When I ran into Amelia in the Blackout—My Voice of The Green Ray saying, “Captain! I can’t wait to get my hands on Horvath!”—When John Newberry poured me a cup of coffee at his kitchen table—Dolores training her lizard—all of these specks of time will float & sparkle above. In the solid blackout of Space around us they reflect the Invisible Light.

By the Law of Gravity those particles will attract each other & join up like a strand of beads in new Combinations different Atoms of different Human Beings. I do not know how many have to be there but when they weigh the perfect amount together they form a new Soul. Which is heavy enough & Gravity pulls on it again pulls it back to Earth.

Newberry I THANK YOU for this wonderful chance to come back to Civilization! I feel like a new person just thinking about it! So hurry up already I want to go.

 

Furthermore when you broadcast Radio Waves they travel out in Space forever nonstop. According to this idea all of the Episodes of The Adventures Of The Green Ray are still going strong!

I hope by some possibility they can change the course of a few Human Particles before they return. Thereby I can still be a healthy influence on young people. For instance my fearless example of manly behavior when I followed the clues that had to lead me face to face with Lionel Horvath for the Final Time. How I acted to the uppermost degree I did not shrink I fought him to The End.

 

I remember what is going to happen—

 

I hate him. I know what the only item was between them I know what Connected him to her. MONEY.

MONEY is the Electricity.

MONEY is the blood of the world.

 

Blue skies smiling at me Nothing but blue skies do I see

 

Here he is. I can hear him outside down below by the patio chairs. Coming from the Pool Area. I thought so.

 

This is the Climax of my Life & I am sitting on the floor in my pajamas with the business end of a loaded gun in my mouth & a rotten bastard maniac tapping his silver razor very polite on my window asking me if I could please open the front door! Well FUCK ending up this way FUCK being his helpless victim! The hell I am going quiet! I am coming to the door all right!

I AM COMING BACK—