Ash

‘Ashley!’ Mum calls from downstairs.

I think about ignoring her. I even look at my bedroom window and think about making a jump for it. But then there’s a clomping sound as she starts to walk up the stairs and I know it’s too late. I go and lie on my bed, turn my music down low.

‘Ashley?’ Mum says as she pops her head round the door. ‘There you are.’

I look up at her and pretend I’ve only just noticed she’s there. ‘Hi, Mum.’

Her face screws up as she looks at me and spots the plaster on my hand. ‘Are you OK?’ she says. ‘What’s wrong with your hand?’

I look at the plaster and then without thinking about it, hide it behind my back. ‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘I cut it.’

‘Do you want me to have a look at it for you?’

I shake my head. ‘It’s fine.’

And then it’s silent. Mum stares into space. After nearly a minute, I feel like asking her if she actually wants anything.

But then the expression on her face turns from concern to serious and annoyed. ‘Um,’ she says. And then she pauses. ‘I got a phone call at work today.’

I nod.

‘It was Mr Watts.’

I don’t say anything.

‘He said that you’d been caught smoking in the school grounds.’ Mum raises her eyebrows, like, ‘How dare you!’

‘I know.’ I look down again. ‘Sorry, Mum.’

Mum sighs. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her folding her arms. I imagine the cross look on her face, but I don’t look at her. ‘I’m very disappointed, Ashley. I thought you knew better than that.’

‘It’s not fair, though. I wasn’t the only one smoking.’

‘It makes no difference if there were hundreds of you,’ Mum says. ‘You shouldn’t have done it. Smoking’s bad for you.’

I roll my eyes. I can sense the lecture coming. I’ve already had enough of that today. ‘Benson just had it in for me,’ I say. ‘There were at least three other people standing behind the mobile and the only one he picked out was me.’

Mum just stares at me. She doesn’t look impressed.

‘And he didn’t even catch me smoking. He just assumed that’s what I was doing.’

‘Were you smoking?’

I nod. ‘Yeah. That’s not the point, though –’

‘It is the point,’ Mum says, and she sounds angry. ‘And what’s more, I got pulled off the shop floor to go and take that call. It was very embarrassing. I had to explain to my manager.’

‘Oh, what, I’m in trouble because you got embarrassed? Oh, now I understand.’

Mum looks at me like she’s about to go mad at me. She’s trying to hold it back, trying not to lose it.

‘Anyway, Dad smokes,’ I say. ‘I don’t hear you going on at him. And you both drink like fish.’

Mum just stands there for a second with her mouth open. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.

‘How dare you talk to me like that!’ she says.

And I don’t say anything back. I don’t apologise cos I’m not sorry. I’m angry.

‘Sometimes, Ashley, you make me feel so ashamed. I can’t believe you’re the same little boy that I brought up when you say things like that.’

I look down at the bed again. I can feel my face starting to tense up. I want to get up and shout at her. I want to tell her that I’m exactly the same kid she brought up. She made me like this. Her and Dad.

‘Say you’re sorry,’ Mum says. She stares at me.

I ignore her. I cross my arms. No way am I saying sorry to her.

‘Ashley, I want to hear you take that back. Say you’re sorry.’

I shake my head.

‘Ashley,’ she says, her voice raised now, ‘say sorry.’

‘No!’ I shout back. ‘I won’t. And you know what? When you act like this, it’s no surprise that Dad’s seeing some –’ I stop myself short. I can’t believe those words came out of my mouth. I want to take them back, to suck them back in.

I look up at Mum. She’s staring back at me, looking shocked. A tear forms in the corner of her eye. It falls down her cheek and then to the carpet. And I feel guilty. I feel like a shit. I get up from my bed and go over to her, put my arms round her. She just stands there with her arms still folded. She doesn’t move at all. We stand there for ages, saying nothing, Mum crying silently, me wishing that the earth would open up and swallow me.

After a while, Mum moves away. She goes and sits on my bed.

‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I say. ‘I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’

Mum sighs. She doesn’t look up at me. ‘It’s not your fault, Ashley,’ she says. Her voice sounds strange – empty and distant. ‘It’s not like I didn’t know already. It’s just a shock to hear you say it.’

‘You knew? You knew that Dad is . . . that he’s been . . . screwing someone?’

‘Ashley,’ Mum says. ‘Don’t say it like that.’

‘Then why didn’t you do anything about it?’

Mum hangs her head.

I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I can’t believe she actually knew this was happening and she’s just stood by and let him. ‘Cut his bloody clothes up,’ I say. ‘Shout at him. Throw him out. Bloody stab him. Anything. You can’t just let him get away with it and then cook dinner for him when he gets home.’

Mum shakes her head.

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to feel about this. I feel so sorry for her. But at the same time I feel angry at her, like this is her fault somehow.

I hear a car slowing down outside. The engine sounds like Dad’s car. Sure enough, a few seconds later I hear a key in the front door. I look over at Mum. She doesn’t look up at me. She looks like a little kid, sitting there on my bed. Why can’t she take control? She’s a bloody grown-up, for God’s sake.

‘Right,’ I say. ‘We’re going downstairs. Come on. We’re gonna do something about this.’

Mum looks up at me, her eyes pleading with me. ‘No,’ she says. ‘No, Ashley. Not now.’

I shake my head at her and go downstairs. Dad’s in the kitchen, getting a drink of water.

‘I hope you’re happy,’ I shout at him from the bottom of the stairs, ‘now you’ve ruined everyone’s lives. I hope the bitch you’re screwing is worth it.’

Dad turns and stares at me. He looks surprised and angry. I go to the front door and open it. I have to get out of here.

‘Come back here!’ he shouts at me.

I turn and stare at him.

‘Ashley!’

I turn away from him and slam the door shut behind me.