Monday, May 11, 1942

What have I done???? Was it the right thing to do? I am not certain I’ll ever have the answers to that question. All I know is that I feel terribly sick. I threw up all last night, and now I’m lying here in this strange bedroom in a strange house in a strange town, and I can hear Dennis and his sister, SueAnn, talking in the living room, although I don’t know what they’re saying. I’m sure they’re talking about me, though. SueAnn was shocked when I arrived, that I know, but she’s been kind to me, and she’s the one who brought the chicken rice soup that’s getting cold on the night table next to me. I can’t eat yet. I can’t imagine ever wanting to eat again, actually.

One thing I didn’t know about Dennis is how extremely Catholic he is. I mean, I knew he wore that scapular thing, and I knew he always went to the Catholic service up in Corolla, but I had no idea what a big part of his life religion is. SueAnn is the same way. She’s a nurse at a Catholic hospital. There are little statues of Jesus and Mary all over this house, and pictures of Jesus with his heart showing. I feel like I’m in a whole other country.

So much has happened, although it’s only been a little more than a day since I last wrote in this diary. Yesterday morning, after I woke up from the hideous dream about Sandy clubbing my parents to death, I went out to the beach to where Dennis was camping. I told him I wanted to take him up on his offer to go away with him to High Point. He looked surprised, to say the least. He asked me why I’d changed my mind, and when could he talk to my parents about it. I said I would only come on the condition he never talked to my parents about it and that we never came back to the Outer Banks. He said he couldn’t do that, couldn’t just take me away without letting them know. I started to cry, or maybe I already was crying. But I really started sobbing then, and he could tell that I was in a panic. He kept asking me, “What’s wrong? Are you in some kind of trouble?”

He probably thought I was pregnant, the way I was carrying on. (I just realized I’d better hide my diary here even better than I hid it at home.)

“I found out something about the war, something that puts me and my family in danger unless I go away,” I said.

He frowned at me. “What could you possibly have found out that would—”

I interrupted him. “It doesn’t matter. And I can’t tell you. Please don’t ever ask me again. Just let me go away with you.”

He stared at me a long time, then he finally nodded. “All right,” he said.

“And you promise me we won’t come back here? That you’ll find someplace else to camp out on the weekends?”

He nodded again. “I have a feeling if I came back here, I’d get arrested,” he said. He sounded like he was talking to himself. Then he asked me, “When can you go?”

“Tonight,” I said. “I’ll sneak out and meet you on the Pole Road. Okay?”

“All right,” he said.

I had something else to do before I could leave. I needed to somehow get the message to Mr. Hewitt that Sandy was the traitor he was looking for. I was so upset about this. How could I turn Sandy in? I kept remembering all the loving things he’d said to me over the past few weeks. I remembered that beautiful night in the boat. Was he really just using me? I couldn’t believe it. But the horrid way he’d treated me the night before made me know he was not the man I thought he was. And I couldn’t let them keep on thinking that Mr. Sato was the spy when it was really Sandy. Still, I couldn’t go over to the Coast Guard station to tell Mr. Hewitt. First of all, Sandy would see me and know what I was up to. Second of all, Mr. Hewitt would be angry that I tried to talk to him in front of the boys.

I also couldn’t leave him a note on the lens, because it was only Sunday, and he wouldn’t be checking for my next note until Tuesday night. That left three days for my parents to go up to the lens and find the note. So I did something that may work but may not work. I went up to the lantern room with the ruby necklace Sandy gave me. A ruby is one of the few things that can cut glass. For a moment, I wondered if maybe he’d given me a fake ruby. I was about to find out. Right where I usually stuck the note for Mr. Hewitt, I carved Sandy’s name. His real name, of course, which I have now cut from the early pages of this diary with a razor blade, in case anyone finds this book and learns who the traitor is and turns him in and gets me and my family in trouble with the Germans. I am so scared. I hope I’m thinking straight!

The truth is, I don’t know if Mr. Hewitt will see the carved name or not. Part of me hopes he never does. Part of me can’t believe Sandy could be evil. I did my halfhearted best to let Mr. Hewitt know. Whether that works or not is up to fate, I guess.

I left a note for Mama and Daddy. I told them I was going someplace where I could get a better education and someday go to college and become a teacher. They think I am running wild. I will let them think that this is part of it. So I didn’t even write that I loved them or that I would miss them, and both those things are very, very true. I did write that I would be safe, though. I just had to add that because I couldn’t stand the thought of them worrying about me.

I didn’t talk the whole drive to High Point. It took forever, and I felt sicker with every mile. Once we got to this house, where Dennis lives with SueAnn, I threw up the entire night. I was just so scared at what I had done. Leaving home, turning in Sandy, everything. I took only my diary, some clothes and the ruby necklace, which I now know is real. How could a man who gave me a real ruby necklace ever hurt me??? I just don’t understand.

Dennis and SueAnn both know how sick with worry I am, and they are not pressuring me to tell them anything. I’m grateful for that. SueAnn is the kindest person. She said to me, “You just let us take care of you, honey.” So that is what I’m going to do. I can’t think of any other choice I have, anyway.