The buzzing woke Sarah. Not the buzzing of her alarm clock that usually started her morning routine. She’d get up earlier than the boys to have a cup of coffee in peace before waking her sleepy children for their hurried breakfast and mad dash to the bus. This buzzing sounded different. It had a tone and melody that rose and fell, but not in any kind of timed rhythm. It peaked and grew louder, then seemed to stop all together only to suddenly begin again in the distance.
Sarah first lifted one eyelid, then the other. The clock read 6:34 and for a moment she felt a panic that the alarm had been late and she sat up abruptly to wake the boys. Only when she pulled back the heavy duvet cover did reality hit her like the cold blast of air that touched her body.
The air felt cold against her sweaty skin. She’d been mired in the heavy duvet and the weight of her dreams. Todd had been with her in the night in a way she hadn’t felt him in a long time, maybe even a year.
She lay back against the bed and stared at the ceiling, so relieved that the boys were back in Georgia. She’d told herself and everyone else that she wanted the week, needed it, to get the house ready for them and their new beginning. On some level, one she didn’t dare face until last night, she knew there was more.
The night had begun with a search for the survey. With one glass of wine and an unsteady breath, she began looking through Todd’s desk. She’d waited a full twenty four hours since Dodge had left to begin going through her husband’s things. Every drawer and file she opened held his essence, from the slanted words he’d scribbled on a piece of paper to his illegible signature scrawled on a legal document. She could feel him around her in an almost palpable way.
The buzzing, she now realized, came from the crop duster flying over the nearby farms. The sound had always made her happy and reflected the difference between life in rural Colorado and life in suburban Atlanta. On clear winter mornings at home she could hear traffic from the interstate as though it were just beyond the trees of their backyard. But in Colorado, the crop duster was the only sound she could hear above the babbling of the river.
The quiet provided a kind of tranquility that should have been lonely, but felt oddly peaceful, even after last night when her dreams had been so restless. She’d found what she’d needed and boxed up the rest, determined to call Dodge and set up a meeting to go over her future.
But not without coffee. She trudged into the kitchen ready to start her day and nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone rang. Who would call at 6:30 in the morning? She raced for the phone in the den.
“Well, I thought you might be up by now.” Her sister Jenny had the ability to warm and terrify her with a single phrase. Sarah had spent her entire childhood looking up to and fearing her older sister. With her sharp tongue, the classic beauty would give Sarah an honest answer about anything.
“You know its 6:30 out here, don’t you? You scared the hell out of me.”
“Its 8:30 here and your boys are driving me crazy. I haven’t been this frustrated with men since dealing with my ex-husband and his blood sucking divorce attorney.”
Sarah rolled her eyes at her sister’s flair for the dramatic. “What have they done, Jenny? Is there something I should be concerned about or are you just calling to complain?”
“I’ve been alone with your kids for almost a week and you don’t think I have anything to complain about? It’s time for you to take off those rose-colored glasses and see how they really are.”
Sarah knew Jenny was exaggerating, but since Todd’s death, Sarah had gotten pretty soft on them and Kevin, in particular, was using it to his advantage. “So it’s general complaining you called to do?”
Jenny sighed. “It’s no fun to complain if you’re not going to take me seriously. How’s it going out in the wild west? Met any cute cowboys yet?”
The golden eyes and strong jaw of one cowboy in particular came to mind, but she didn’t have the energy to explain. “The week is young.”
“Well, if you don’t have any gossip, then I may as well tell you Kevin told me he doesn’t want to move to Colorado.”
“That’s no surprise. He’s been saying that since I first announced I was selling the house almost six months ago.”
“He didn’t say it angry like he shouts it at you,” Jenny explained. “We had a heart-to-heart last night. He’s afraid Todd wouldn’t approve of you moving out there to live full time.” Jenny paused as if waiting for Sarah to argue. “He’s like you, Sarah. He’s afraid of change and being in this house makes him feel closer to his dad.”
“I know it does, but I can’t stay there any longer. Todd and I talked about moving the boys out here eventually. With that new crowd Kevin’s been hanging around with I’m sure Todd would be the first to suggest we move to the ranch if he were still alive. Kevin’s thirteen, Jenny. There’s nothing I can do to please him now anyway. Staying in Atlanta feels like a big mistake. Sometimes you just have to follow your gut.”
“I understand your reasons, but that doesn’t mean your sons do.”
“Does that mean Lyle agrees with Kevin?”
“You know Lyle would be happy anywhere the sun rises and his mom is in the world. That’s one hell of a mama’s boy you raised.”
Sarah smiled at the thought of Lyle. He had Todd’s sunny disposition and ability to cope with change. She’d worried about leaving Kevin alone for the week with Jenny. He’d internalized Todd’s death much more than Lyle and he and Jenny generally rubbed each other the wrong way. Although it sounded like she’d made some headway with him that Sarah hadn’t managed to do.
“What else did you squeeze out of Kevin?”
“He’s got a girlfriend.”
Sarah gasped. “What? Who is she? Where did he meet her and…what have they been doing?” The sound of Jenny’s laughter over the phone made Sarah cringe. It really pissed her off that Jenny didn’t have children for Sarah to seek revenge upon.
“Just calm down. Her name’s Jessica and they go to school together. I don’t think they do anything except hang out during lunch and text.”
Sarah slumped into the nearest barstool and let her eyes slip closed. Her boys were growing up too fast. “How long has he had a girlfriend? Since I left?”
“He said it’s been about two weeks and he knew you’d be surprised. He thought you were too busy with the move to care about what was going on with him.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m never too busy for him. My God, his first girlfriend and I find out through you.”
“It sounds harmless enough so I wouldn’t worry.”
“That’s great advice from someone who doesn’t have children. Do you think they’re having sex?”
“They’re in seventh grade, for heaven’s sake. That won’t happen until at least eighth.”
Sarah wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her sister. “You can’t possibly be that naïve. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve found him with his door locked? Puberty has hit him like a ton of bricks. You wouldn’t believe how young kids are having sex and doing drugs. I’ve got friends with older kids and I’ve read a couple of books.” Oh God, she was totally unprepared to deal with her hormonal teenaged son having a girlfriend.
“Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun? Two weeks is a little fast and I doubt they’re doing it in the bathroom at school. Hell, Kevin may be testing the waters a little bit, but he’s too afraid of getting in trouble to do anything stupid. Especially when you’re not here to punish him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe you don’t know this because you’re not the oldest, but the whole point in doing stuff to piss your parents off is for them to be around to get pissed off. Why would he waste his time screwing up with me?”
Sarah rubbed her temple with her free hand. “Do me a favor and try to get more information. I don’t know why he’d confide in you instead of me, but I guess I should be grateful he’s talking to someone.”
“Like you were hot to talk about boys with mom and dad? That’s what I was for and Kevin doesn’t have an older brother to talk to. I’m doing the best I can here, Sarah, but I’m not going to pry. If he wants to talk, I certainly won’t turn him away.”
Sarah groaned. How was she going to handle her boys without Todd? “I appreciate your help with everything, I really do. You know I have to give you a hard time so you’re sure it’s me you’re talking to, right?”
“You’ve got good kids, Sarah. Just don’t freak out. At least the move will bring a swift end to the girlfriend.”
“Yeah, and give Kevin another reason to be angry with me. Give them both a kiss for me, will you?”
Sarah hung up the phone and, after a moment of brooding, returned to the kitchen to make coffee. As it brewed, she opened the deck doors and stepped out into the cool morning.
She didn’t blame Kevin for being afraid of change. Facing the past, facing the future… she was scared to death. But she couldn’t let the fear take over because then she’d be sunk. She had to accept the truth: it was up to her to succeed in Colorado. She really hoped she didn’t screw up.