Have you noticed anything funny about your Treasury? Have the pages started glowing at random times and become brighter every day? Is this glowing followed by a strange but inviting humming noise? Did you lean too far into the book and wind up falling into a different dimension? Then you’re in luck, because this survival guide is for you!

When you purchased this book from the store, or checked it out from the library, or “borrowed” it from a friend, you probably weren’t expecting it to transport you into a world where fairy tales are real. Life is full of surprises; sometimes it rains when it’s supposed to be sunny, and sometimes children’s books turn out to be portals into different dimensions. Relax; these things happen.

So if you find yourself in a fairy tale, there’s no reason to panic. The fairy-tale world can be a very dangerous place, but if you follow my instructions carefully, you’ll be back in your own world before you can say “and they all lived happily ever after.” (Trust me, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s surviving. You’re in good hands.)

RULE #1: DON’T PANIC. LET IT OUT.

Everyone’s first trip is always a little jarring. Don’t let your shock, terror, and confusion build up inside of you; that will only lead to panicking. Treat yourself to a good scream, a nice cry, or a release of bodily fluids. However, make it short. You don’t want to attract any unwanted attention from the shifty creatures in the forest.

RULE #2: DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.

Remember, none of this is your fault. It doesn’t matter how careful or responsible you are—CDT happens to the best of us. (Oh, that stands for Cross-Dimensional Travel—I coined it myself.) Yes, you could have called the police when the book first started glowing. No, you didn’t have to lean so far into the book that you lost your balance and fell inside it. But hey, no one ever got anywhere by playing it safe; just ask the Wright brothers.

RULE #3: ASSESS WHAT KIND OF FAIRY TALE YOU’RE IN.

Take a look around: What do you see? Are you in a colorful garden with pixies and unicorns? Do you see handsome knights riding off into the sunset with beautiful maidens? Great! You’re in a harmless bedtime story. Feel free to look around and take a few pictures.

Are you surrounded by a thick and creepy forest? Are you standing in a large, smoky cave? THEN RUN—you’re in a cautionary tale! Something is about to make a meal or an example out of you! Don’t stop until your surroundings match the description above.

RULE #4: IF IT’S GOT CLAWS, IT DON’T FOLLOW LAWS.

The food chain applies to every animal, even if it talks. Just because something can communicate, that doesn’t make you any less delicious. Never tell a wolf where you’re headed, don’t trespass into the home of bears, and don’t take directions from a fox! You’d think this would be common sense, but after you read the Treasury (especially the rhymes about the idiots I know), you’ll realize common sense isn’t common in the fairy-tale world.

RULE #5: NEVER TRUST OLD PEOPLE.

The fairy-tale world is full of seniors looking for a way to get even with youngsters (present company excluded, of course). Never make a trade with an old geezer; you’ll only end up with a giant beanstalk growing in your backyard. Never accept a gift from an old hag; you’ll get stuck raising a daughter the size of a shot glass.

However, you must never deny them anything! If an old woman knocks on your door in the middle of the night looking for shelter, give her a room with a view! If an old beggar man stops you on the road and asks you for food, cook him a gourmet meal! Whatever you do, DO NOT tick off the elderly, or you may end up cursed as a beast or living as a frog!

RULE #6: AVOID STRANGELY BUILT STRUCTURES.

I don’t care how interesting it looks from afar—if you see something oddly placed or constructed, don’t approach it! It will only lead to trouble.

For example, if you find a tower standing alone in the woods, get out of there—it belongs to a witch! Suppose you come across a bridge over a small stream—better to get your shoes wet than become lunch to the hungry troll living underneath it!

RULE #7: IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS!

In the fairy-tale world, coincidences usually come with consequences. If you find yourself in an unfortunate situation and miraculously stumble upon a solution that perfectly suits all your needs, you’re most likely being tricked into an even worse situation!

For example, if you’re lost in a vicious storm and the only shelter in sight is a magnificent castle with large, spacious rooms, chances are there’s a beast waiting for you inside. If you’re starving and wandering aimlessly through the forest, that gingerbread house down the path was probably built to lure poor saps like you. Remember, in the fairy-tale world, traps come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors.

RULE #8: DON’T BE A JERK.

Here’s a good tip! As difficult as it may seem, try to keep a positive attitude during your visit. The fairy-tale world tends to reward the generous and punish the selfish. Be kind and treat everything with respect, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference it makes. Also, lots of fairies and witches like to dress up in disguises, so be careful about whom you upset.

RULE #9: WHEN IN DOUBT, FIND A FAIRY.

If you’re not looking to stay and see the sights, the fastest way to get back home is to find a fairy. Tell it about your treasury, how it glowed, hummed, and transported you into the fairy-tale world, and the fairy should be able to help you out. Most fairies are familiar with CDT and can get you back home.

However, don’t tell them I sent you. I’m not very popular among fairies these days. In fact, it’s better not to mention my name at all. Otherwise, when they send you home, you might end up on a desert island in the Bermuda Triangle—it’s a long story!

Well, I hope this guide has been helpful! A lot of people thought it was silly to write it, but if this book were in my hands, I’d want to be prepared. If you do find yourself in the fairy-tale world, don’t forget to stop by and say hello. I’ll be at a pub in the Charming Kingdom called The Stepmother with an overgrown gander named Lester. Just follow the feathers…

Cheers!

Mother Goose