President Roosevelt. Shonts, Engineer of the Panama Canal. Loeb, Private Secretary to the President. The Adversary of Souls. The Press.
ACT I
PRESIDENT (solus):
There!—’tis to be a lock canal. Now let The dirt fly.
[Enter Shonts.]
SHONTS:
Very well, sir, don’t you fret; It will, right speedily, I’m sure. But I — I’m getting out of this concern. I fly!
[Exit Shonts.]
PRESIDENT:
Now let the heathen rage: their pet sea-level Canal has gone a-glimmering to the devil.
[Enter Loeb with a card.] What’s this? “The Adversary.” Just my luck —
Without a rake I get all kinds of muck.
Always that Democrat appears if! But mention him — I really wonder why.
Of one too many he’s the one. Go say (sighing)
That I’ll not see him — I’ve seen Shonts today.
LOEB:
The gentleman is in the waiting room.
I think he wants to talk about your “boom.”
PRESIDENT:
Wants an appointment in my Cabinet, And there’s no vacancy.
LOEB:
O — you forget —
There’s Hitchcock.
[Enter Adversary.]
PRESIDENT:
Ah, good morning, sir. Delighted!
(aside)
The fellow never waits till he’s invited.
ADVERSARY:
Sir, we have overlooked the unwritten law Forbidding a third term. You must withdraw.
PRESIDENT (aside):
Come to torment me! How this horrid shape, Grinning behind his hand like any ape, Maddens to candor. (Aloud) Brute! you might delay Your triumph until I have had my day And nations weep, in slow procession walking —
ADVERSARY:
For him who dug the great canal by talking. ‘Twere long to wait unless your tongue were made By miracle divine into a spade.
PRESIDENT:
Take that, you beast!
[Beats him and chases him off the stage, losing his temper in the scuffle.’]
LOEB (solus):
The rogues fall out — sic semper. As honest man, I will annex his temper.
[Puts President’s temper under his coat and exit.]
ACT II
THE PRESS (solum):
The President “received” last night — all smiles, Charming the throng with amiable wiles. But Loeb, with flaming eyes and flying feet, Sprang in and kicked them all into the street!