Chapter 17

I hadn’t been to see Maggie and dad for months, and they still hadn’t been to see me since I was put in care. Alex was 17 now, and he hadn’t bothered with me either. He knew where I was and he had transport. He was far too busy being the good boy, I guess. Dave told me he had seen Alex out quite a lot recently, but Alex was popping a lot of pills so he stayed away from him.

I felt totally abandoned by my family. Dad finally got what he wanted, kids out of his hair. He had Maggie waiting hand and foot on him, and Alex at home occasionally. Of course I was bitter, but there was a part of me that still missed home. I missed little things like cleaning out dad’s truck at the weekend and blaring out the radio. I missed seeing dad but I had a “stuff them” attitude. I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone. I will just look after myself thanks!

Dave was away with the army, training for something or another, for several weeks. During that time, I had ran away and been fetched back to the home by the police more than three times. I lost count how many times I ran away or ”absconded” as the home staff called it. If I heard of a gig or a weekender off, I went. I didn’t give a toss if I was allowed to or not.

“Just give me my own place!” I would whine in meetings with the home and social workers. “I’m not a kid anymore, so stop trying to treat me like one.” Month after month I sat through the same meetings, mapping my future. Strangers decided what they thought was best for me. How can they know what’s best for me when they don’t even know me? All they knew was what they had read in a file.

The following Saturday evening arrived and the staff were well aware that I wanted to go out clubbing. I couldn’t contain the excitement I felt at the prospect of going to this particular gig. It promised to be a good one. I had let slip about it during our meeting and been told, “No, under no circumstances will you be allowed to go!”

I knew Dave was back today and he would be there waiting to see me. The night staff had just changed shifts and Phil was on with Anna. I had missed Dave so much and was looking forward to seeing him. I spent hours getting ready. My hair was freshly dyed black and had been cut into a fresh five point Quant style bob. It was slightly backcombed and sprayed heavily into place. My skin was white with pale foundation. I had used white eye shadow and thick, black liquid liner to do my trademark bitch lines. The look was finished off with white lipstick.

I had new underwear too. They had taken me out that day shopping for clothes and underwear and to have new bras fitted. I was growing almost by the day, my boobs were a 38DD. For 15 years old they were pretty big. It helped me get into clubs as most girls at 18 wouldn’t have a chest my size. I wore stockings underneath my dress which was my black and white, dog-tooth, checked mini. It had four large, black buttons down the front and I wore black calf boots and a short, black jacket. I was looking good.

On my way down the stairs I met Anna who was on her way up.

“Why are you all dressed up? You’re not going anywhere,” she said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.

“I beg to differ,” I said as I continued down the stairs. She grabbed me and yanked my arm. In a blinding flash I went after her swinging. I could hear Phil shouting stuff at me, but I couldn’t make it out and I couldn’t stop. Anna was trying to drag me upstairs and before I knew it, she tripped, tumbling head first down the whole flight of stairs. Frozen in place, I was powerless and all I could do was stare. Her body banged off of the wall and off the banisters crashing down in summersaults. Arms extended she pulled pictures off the wall, glass shattering down the stairs. In a blind panic I ran right past her as she finally stopped in a crumpled heap.

I could hear myself shouting, “I’m sorry, I’m SORRY!”

Phil was screaming after me to stop and come back. But I thought I had really done it this time. She was hurt bad. Even though I knew I hadn’t pushed her, I knew I hadn’t, but who would believe me? She could even be dead for all I know.

I made my way to the train station and snuck on as always. I hadn’t paid for a train, ever, and had never been caught. The train was packed full of people of all ages. A lot of them were looking at me. Do they know? Do they know I hurt Anna? Do I have GUILT written all over my face?

“Who you fucking looking at?” I asked the guy opposite me. He turned red and looked away. “Fucking idiot,” I told him as I stood up and walked to the next carriage. That was me at 15, not a nice person at all.

I tried not to think about what had happened at the home and concentrate on the gig. I had been looking forward to it all week. The train ride was about 40 minutes, but all the time my mind was back at the home wondering if I had killed Anna. Murderer? Am I a murderer?

The station was busy when I arrived. I felt a little panicky at the thought of not finding Dave among the crowd, but I made my way through the station, doing my best to blend in so I wasn’t stopped and asked for my ticket. I needn’t have worried. I made my way through the exit double doors and there was Dave sat proudly on his scooter right at the front of the station.

I beamed with joy. I would have loved to run up and give him a huge hug, but that would have been totally un-cool. So we just walked and parked his scooter then wandered around the block and found a quiet place to be near the hall the gig was in.

We found an out-building and went inside. I told him about Anna and he looked concerned but reassured me everything would be okay as he lifted my dress and fingered me before putting his dick in me and having a quickie. I’d love to make it sound romantic, but there was nothing romantic about it. In fact the out building stank of piss and there were cobwebs everywhere. I scanned the walls for moving spiders and relaxed a bit. There was excrement smeared on the walls and bog roll everywhere on the floor soaking up the water and piss on the floor. Nasty place!

“Not very romantic,” I said as my knickers fell down to my ankles and he pumped his lower body against mine. On high alert in case someone came in and trying my hardest not to let my new knickers touch the floor, I could hear the music in the hall, Give me just a little more time by the Chairmen of the Board. I thought about the great timing and how ironic those lyrics were. Lots of people were laughing and talking outside. It was over very quickly as usual. I patted my dress down, pulled my knickers up and we went back into the gig and danced to 60’s and soul music. I popped more pills trying to forget about Anna and not caring what I was doing to my body.

The hall was full of mods and scooterists drinking and having fun. A lot of girls were dancing. The lads were outside as usual comparing scooters and admiring paint jobs, working out how many mirrors could be attached to one scooter, and who had the best fox’s tail attached to the aerial on the back. Before I knew it the night was over. It had been a great time but not worth killing someone for. My foggy mind went back to the home to think about what would happen when I returned.

We arranged to meet the following week. I told Dave that the home didn’t want us to be together anymore and they were doing their best to separate us. We sat and made plans to run away together. He was going to run away from the army for me. He wanted to be with me forever. He said he loved me and that we would work it out.

When I got back it turned out the Anna wasn’t dead at all. Luckily, she was only bruised. I kept quiet for a few days thanking my stars for the lucky escape. What if? The thought sent chills down my spine.