29

 

August 1884

‘Don’t go wandering off, Amy,’ Susannah said after breakfast the next morning, when the men had gone. ‘I want you to be here when Charlie comes.’

‘Why? I thought you’d want me to keep out of the way.’

‘Don’t be silly. You can’t tell him you accept his proposal if you’re not here.’

‘Do I have to tell him myself? I thought you and Pa would talk to him about it.’

‘There’s not much point being shy of him when you’ll be married to the man before long, is there? Of course you have to tell him yourself. I don’t want anyone saying you were forced into it.’

‘Oh. All right, then.’ Amy spent the next few hours doing all the light housework she could think of, and trying hard not to think about Charlie.

Jack came in late in the morning. ‘I’ve just seen him on his way up the road,’ he said. ‘I had to spin a yarn to the boys about why Charlie’s come over two days in a row—you’re sure I shouldn’t tell them yet?’ he asked Susannah.

‘Quite sure. Not till it’s all settled. You know what a fuss Harry makes about things. You can tell him after Charlie goes if you like, it’ll all be decided then.’

Susannah rushed to open the door as soon as they heard a knock. Her voice exuded enthusiasm as she welcomed Charlie. ‘Mr Stewart, come in. We’re all here and waiting for you.’

Charlie looked past Susannah, seeking Jack. He seemed surprised to see Amy sitting at the table beside her father, carefully resisting the urge to clutch at Jack’s hand. He walked into the middle of the room and stood holding his hat in one hand. ‘Well?’ he said to Jack. ‘What’s your answer?’

‘Amy can tell you herself,’ Jack said. ‘I’ve let her make her own decision.’ Charlie raised his eyebrows at this, then turned his gaze on Amy.

She had seen him staring at her many times over the years, and it had always made her nervous. Now she had to promise herself to him. Amy grasped at Susannah’s encouraging words: Charlie was awkward with people, that was why he seemed bad-tempered. He must already like her if he wanted to marry her. He would be kind to her if she pleased him. Amy dropped her eyes and stared at her hands as they twined around each other in her lap. She knew she was taking too long to answer, but the words stuck in her throat.

‘Come on, Amy.’ Jack nudged her arm with his elbow. ‘Don’t keep Charlie waiting. What have you got to say for yourself?’ He smiled encouragingly at her.

With an effort, Amy raised her eyes to look straight into Charlie’s. ‘Yes, I will marry you,’ she heard herself say. ‘Thank you for asking me,’ she added, feeling that something else was necessary. Now the thing was said, her pent-up tension came out in a small fit of coughing that she tried to muffle with her hand.

‘Well, you’ve got your answer,’ Jack said. ‘It’s what she wants, and I give her my blessing. She’ll make you a good wife, Charlie. A very good wife. I hope you’ll appreciate her.’

Charlie looked dubiously at Amy as she smothered another cough. ‘Is she healthy?’

Jack frowned. ‘Of course she is. Don’t talk about my daughter as if she was a mare for sale.’

‘Amy had a bad cough for a while,’ Susannah came in smoothly. ‘She got a little run down early in the winter. She’s much better now, that cough will be gone altogether soon.’

‘Good,’ Charlie said. ‘We’d best be getting things settled, then.’

Amy could see that she had played her own small part; now they were all talking as though she were not there. ‘Can I go now, please?’ she asked, rising from her chair. ‘You don’t need me any more, do you?’

‘No, I don’t think we do,’ Susannah agreed. ‘Off you go, then. Now, the first thing to decide is when the wedding’s to be,’ Amy heard Susannah say just before she closed the door on the three people who were deciding her life for her.

 

*

 

Lizzie walked into the middle of a conversation between her parents when she entered the kitchen that afternoon.

‘But don’t you think he’s a bit old for her?’ she heard her mother ask.

‘Is she going to get a better offer?’ Arthur said. He turned and saw Lizzie. ‘Well, you haven’t heard the news yet, have you?’

‘What news?’ Lizzie asked, a sinking feeling in her stomach. ‘Is it something about Amy?’

‘It looks like you’re not going to be the first one to the altar after all. Amy’s managed to find a husband—her pa’s found one for her, anyway.’

‘Who? It’s not Jimmy.’ It was a statement, not a question.

‘Humph! You’d believe in fairy tales if you believe that. Not quite as glamorous, but he’ll do the job. She’s going to marry Charlie.’

‘What!’ Lizzie was at a loss for words. ‘Are you serious?’ she asked when she got her tongue back.

‘It’s not much of a joke, is it? No, Charlie says he wants her, and your Uncle Jack’s said he can have her.’

‘Why?’ Lizzie asked, completely mystified.

‘Because he wants things sorted out for her. Charlie’s no great catch, but Amy can be respectable again once she’s properly married. It’ll be as though all this trouble never happened. You let that be a lesson to you, my girl—fathers have the right to do as they see fit with their daughters.’

Lizzie ignored her father’s pompous speech. ‘If she’s so respectable now, can I go and see her again?’ she asked.

Arthur considered. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘Go over tomorrow if you want. Try not to gloat over her too much. Frank must seem a pretty good catch compared to what she’s got.’

 

*

 

Amy was alone in the kitchen preparing dinner when Harry stormed into the house, with John right behind him. ‘Amy, they’re not going to make you do it,’ Harry said. ‘They can’t force you, and we’re not going to let them try.’

‘That’s right, Amy,’ John said. ‘You don’t deserve that.’

They stood there looking solid and dependable, and Amy wanted to shelter in their strength. But she would be hurting them, too, if she stayed at home in her shame. Susannah had said it reflected on them all. That wouldn’t be fair to her brothers, especially when they were trying to be so kind.

‘They’re not—’ she started to say. Her father came in, puffing from having rushed up to the house.

‘Don’t upset her, for God’s sake,’ said Jack. ‘Amy’s happy about it, you just ask her.’

‘Are you trying to tell me Amy wants to marry that old b—that old so-and-so?’ Harry demanded.

‘I don’t believe it, Pa,’ John said. ‘And I’m not going to see her forced into it just because you think she’s an embarrassment.’

‘Amy wants to! I just want to see her settled and happy.’

‘Happy! With Charlie! Don’t talk crap,’ Harry said in disgust.

‘Watch your language in front of your sister.’

‘You want to put her in Charlie Stewart’s bed and you’re drivelling on about language? Shit!’

‘I told you—’

‘What’s going on?’ Susannah said from the passage doorway. ‘What’s all the shouting about?’

‘It’s her idea, isn’t it?’ Harry cast a look of disgust at Susannah. ‘It’s not enough for her that her bastard of a brother did that to my sister. Now the bitch has talked you into giving Amy to Charlie. You’re not going to do it. I’m not having that old bugger pawing my sister. Don’t,’ he said warningly as Jack advanced on him with his fist upraised. He lifted his own fists almost casually, and stared his father down until Jack lowered his arm in defeat.

Amy waited for Susannah to erupt into hysterics, but instead she stood in icy stillness until everyone else fell silent. Then she spoke very calmly. ‘Amy, why don’t you tell your brothers what you want, since they’re so worried about you?’

All other eyes in the room turned on her, and Amy looked at the floor rather than face them. ‘I want to get married,’ she said quietly. She lifted her head. ‘They’re not forcing me, really they’re not. I’ve said I’ll marry him, and I’ll go through with it. It’ll be better for everyone.’ She saw John and Harry staring disbelievingly at her. ‘Please don’t fight over me.’ I’ve caused enough trouble. ‘I’ll be all right.’ Maybe he’ll be kind to me. She tried hard to shut out Harry’s picture of being pawed by Charlie.

‘You see?’ Susannah said, still very calm. ‘You can’t blame me for this. It’s what Amy wants herself.’

Harry ignored her. ‘You swear that’s true?’ he demanded of Amy. ‘You swear she hasn’t threatened you or anything?’

‘It’s true. Charlie asked, and I said yes. No one’s forcing me.’

Harry glowered at Susannah and opened his mouth to say something to her, then turned away. ‘If I hadn’t sworn never to talk to that bitch again,’ he spat out to the room in general. ‘All right, she’s not forcing you, but she’s still talked you into it somehow.’

‘It’s nothing to do with you, Harry,’ Susannah said sweetly. ‘It’s Amy’s decision.’

‘Shit!’ Harry swung his arm out wildly and knocked over a chair, making Susannah give a little cry, then he swept out of the house, slamming the door after him.

John crossed the room to stand close to Amy. ‘You can still change your mind, Amy. If you do, you just tell me. No one can make you go through with it, remember that.’

‘I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve said I’ll do it, and I will. Thank you for worrying about me, John.’ Even though I’m not worth it.

‘Well, if you do…’ He trailed off into silence, then he, too, left the room, casting an worried glance over his shoulder before he closed the door.

‘At one time I would have been quite upset over being abused in such filthy language,’ Susannah said in a detached tone. ‘That’s one thing I’ve learned from living here, anyway, not to take any notice of brutes. I might as well worry about what the pigs think of me.’ She turned to Jack. ‘Of course you don’t try to support me, do you?’

‘They take no notice of me these days,’ Jack grumbled.

‘Perhaps they would if you showed a bit of authority. Why don’t you—’

‘Shut up, Susannah.’ Jack stomped out of the room.

Susannah watched as he left. ‘He’s too old to make them take notice,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘Those two are going to get worse, not better.’ She turned to Amy. ‘Ah well, they’ll forget all this nonsense as soon as you’re safely married off. I must say you were very sensible about all that, Amy. I thought you might make a fuss and start crying or some such foolishness.’

‘Why would I do that?’ Amy answered, in a voice that almost matched Susannah’s for calmness. ‘There’s nothing to make a fuss over. I’ve said I’ll marry Charlie, and I’m going to go through with it.’

‘So you are,’ Susannah looked approvingly at her. ‘So you are.’ It was only after Susannah had disappeared back up the passage that Amy allowed herself to indulge in the ‘foolishness’ of crying.

 

*

 

Amy rounded a hill and almost walked into her cousin. ‘Lizzie!’ she cried in delight. The girls hugged each other. ‘I thought you weren’t allowed to see me any more,’ Amy said, disentangling herself. ‘Did you sneak off? Don’t go getting in trouble over me.’

‘Pa said I could come.’ Lizzie frowned, and shook her head. ‘I think the old people have all gone stupid. What’s this rubbish about you getting married?’ In a flash Amy’s happiness was clouded.

‘It’s true. Charlie’s asked for me, and I’ve said yes.’

Lizzie took hold of her arm. ‘You mustn’t, Amy. They can’t make you do it.’

‘No one’s making me! Why does everyone think Pa’s forcing me?’

‘Because you’d never do it of your own free will, you’re not that stupid. Amy, just think about it. Marry Charlie? You’ve always been scared of even talking to him, and now you’re going to spend the rest of your life living with him? You can’t do it.’

Amy tried to recapture the calm tone she had used with Susannah. ‘I know I’ve always been scared of him, but you used to tell me I was silly to be like that. You were right, I see that now. There’s nothing to be frightened of, Charlie’s just not much good at mixing with people. I’ll be all right with him.’

‘No, you won’t,’ Lizzie said fervently. ‘I only said you shouldn’t be scared of him because he couldn’t do anything to you. If you marry him he can do whatever he likes.’

‘Don’t talk like that, Lizzie,’ Amy said, turning her face away to hide her expression. ‘You’re only making it harder when I’m trying to get used to it all. I’ve said I’ll do it, and I’ve got to stick to it. It’s for the best, really it is.’

‘Why? Why is it for the best for you to marry a man you don’t want?’

‘It’s not just me. There’s Pa and the others to think about. I brought shame on them all, and I can make it right by getting married. Then I’ll be respectable again.’

‘That’s too hard, Amy,’ Lizzie said. Her voice shook.

‘No, it’s not. It’s my duty to make things right again—as right as I can, anyway. It’s the best for the baby, too.’

‘For Charlie to be its father, you mean?’

‘No. He doesn’t want the baby. But it’ll be all right, Susannah’s arranging it all. She’s going to give the baby to someone else, someone who can give it a good home. That’s much better than me trying to look after it, isn’t it? Everyone would be horrible to it because it’s a…’ The word bastard was too cruel; she left it unsaid.

‘I can see the sense in that—about the baby, I mean. But it’s a stupid idea for you to marry Charlie. Couldn’t you give the baby away and just… I don’t know, carry on as if it never happened?’

‘But it has happened, Lizzie. You’re saying I should stay here and work for Susannah all my life, watching Pa get older and greyer every day he has to look at me? With John and Harry feeling sorry for me, when they weren’t wishing I was out of the way? None of them would ever be able to forget what I’ve done if I was always under their noses. They’d all be fighting about me half the time, anyway. At least I get a home of my own this way. I thought you wanted that for me.’

‘Of course I do, but not with him! Why does it have to be Charlie?’

‘Because no one else wants me. How many men do you think would even look at a girl in this state?’ She pointed to her big belly.

‘You won’t be in that state forever—not for much longer. It’s only two or three months now, isn’t it?’

‘I’ll still be soiled. No one wants a girl who’s been shamed. No one who can get a decent girl, anyway. Men like to be the first—or so I’m told.’

‘But Amy, you don’t have to wear a sign around your neck saying what happened—and stop using those names for yourself. Listen—no one outside the family knows about it—well, except Charlie, and he never talks to anyone. Everyone wants to keep it a secret—I don’t know if Pa’s even told Bill. If you wait a while, maybe a year or two, you’ll meet someone else. Someone good enough for you,’ she said fiercely.

‘Meet someone wonderful and fall in love again, you mean? And then watch him run away when he finds out what I am? That’s not a sensible idea, Lizzie, even if I could fall in love again. Even if I wanted to.’

‘Would… would you really have to tell him?’ Lizzie asked hesitantly. ‘I mean, why tell if it would cause trouble? What someone doesn’t know can’t hurt them.’

Amy shook her head. ‘He’d soon notice something was missing once we got married.’ She saw the mystified look on Lizzie’s face. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Lizzie, sometimes I forget you don’t really know anything about it. It wouldn’t be right for me to talk to you about that sort of thing, anyway. Just take my word for it, men know whether they’re the first or not.’

‘Oh.’ Lizzie looked crestfallen. ‘Well, what about teaching, then?’ she said, animated again. ‘You always wanted to do that. If you’re really sure you won’t get a real husband, couldn’t you do that instead? You’d be sort of independent then. You could get your own house to live in.’

Amy shut her eyes against a new wave of grief and loss. ‘Lizzie, what sort of parents do you think would let a girl like me teach their children? No, don’t say I could keep it a secret. I’m not going to lie to make people trust me with their little ones. That’s gone forever. I’m never going to be a teacher now.’

‘Maybe that’s true, but I still don’t want you to marry Charlie. You’ll hate it—you know you will.’

‘Stop making it harder, Lizzie. It’s either stay here and make everyone miserable, or take my chances with Charlie. Maybe things won’t be as bad as you think with him. I know how bad they’ll be here.’

‘But Amy—’

‘Stop it! Go away, Lizzie. Leave me alone.’ She turned, and when she looked back over her shoulder Lizzie was disappearing from sight through the trees.

 

*

 

Jack watched as Susannah replaced the covers Thomas had kicked off before she put out the lamp and climbed into bed. ‘It’ll be September soon, Amy’s only got a little over two months to go now,’ she said. ‘She’d better go to Auckland soon.’

‘Well, you’ve been writing all these letters, arranging everything. What have you sorted out for her?’

‘There’s a woman who organises adoptions, Constance has got her name and address for me. And Constance has booked Amy into a small nursing home. She said it’s very clean and nice. She won’t be able to go there till the child’s coming, of course, so she’ll have to stay somewhere first.’

‘Will your sister have her?’

‘Hardly, Jack! You can’t expect Constance to have an unmarried girl in that state in her house. What if anyone were to see Amy there? Mother often visits, too.’

‘I suppose you haven’t told your ma and pa about Amy? Or about their son, come to that,’ he added bitterly.

Susannah ignored his reference to Jimmy. ‘I haven’t really told Constance about her,’ she admitted. ‘She thinks it’s your niece she’s been arranging things for. I’d never hear the end of it if she knew it was my stepdaughter.’

‘Humph! I can see why. Well, where’s Amy going to stay, then?’

Susannah said nothing for a few moments, then spoke in a careful tone. ‘There’s a place that takes girls like her. It’s not very far from the nursing home, and she’d be well looked after.’

‘What are you talking about, Susannah?’ Jack asked suspiciously. ‘What do you mean “Girls like her”?’

‘Girls who have babies before they’re married. Fallen girls. They look after them,’ she added quickly. ‘The women who run that sort of place are terribly kind people. This one is run by the church.’

‘You mean a place for whores, don’t you? You want to send my daughter to a home for whores.’

‘Reformed whores, Jack.’

‘I’m not having Amy living with whores! She’s just a child. Don’t you ever make a suggestion like that again.’

‘Shh! You’ll wake the children.’ She gave a sigh. ‘Well, if you’re going to take that attitude she’ll have to stay in a boarding house. I’ll see if Constance can find one near the nursing home.’

‘That sister of yours doesn’t waste any time, does she? She’s sorted all this out pretty fast. You only let her know a couple of weeks ago, when Charlie asked for Amy. Up till then we were going to keep the baby here.’

‘There’s no time to waste,’ Susannah said. Jack wondered why she sounded so defensive. ‘Constance knows that, she’s been rushing around as a favour to me.’

‘I suppose I should be grateful to her. What about this boarding house, then? I want Amy in a decent place, not another home for reformed whores.’

‘No, no, it’ll be an ordinary boarding house, the sort you might stay in yourself if you went to Auckland.’

‘Good. I don’t want to hear that other place mentioned again.’

‘You realise it will cost quite a lot of money for Amy to stay in a boarding house all that time? She’ll probably have to be there two months. That’s on top of the money for the nursing home, not to mention her passage to Auckland and back.’

Jack turned towards her in the darkness. ‘Do you think I begrudge spending a bit of money on her? I’d gladly spend ten times the amount if I thought it would make things right for Amy.’

‘I’m sure you would. I’ll write to Constance again tomorrow, then, and ask her to book Amy into a boarding house. You’d better see about getting her a passage on the boat, too. Will you take her yourself or send one of the boys?’

‘I’ve been thinking about that. Amy should have a woman with her, in case she’s taken poorly on the boat. You’d better take her. You can’t stay with her the whole time, but I want you there the first week or two she’s in Auckland, to see that everything’s all right.’

He heard a sharp intake of breath from Susannah’s side of the bed. ‘You mean you’ll let me go to Auckland?’

‘I don’t have much option. You’ll have to take the little fellows, too, I can’t look after them properly.’

‘Oh, I want to take them! Mother and Father have never even seen them—oh, Jack, it’ll be wonderful! I’ll see my family, and visit all the people I used to know, and do some shopping, too—you will give me some money, won’t you? I’ll be able to get some decent clothes again at last.’

‘I’ll give you a bit. You’ll stay with your ma and pa, will you?’

‘Of course. I could hardly go to Auckland and not stay with them, could I?’

‘I suppose not. You make sure you see Amy settled in properly first, though. And I want you to visit this nursing home yourself, to see that it’s a fit place.’

‘I will. Oh, I can hardly wait!’ He felt Susannah give a wriggle of excitement, making the bed shake a little.

‘Susannah,’ he said. ‘I’m trusting you.’

‘I know you are. I’ll look after Amy, don’t worry.’

‘That’s not what I meant. I’m trusting you to come back again. I don’t want to be made a fool of, Susannah. I’d be the laughing-stock of the town if you stayed in Auckland. It’s not that long ago you said you wanted to go up there and not come back.’

He felt her roll over to face him, and one of her knees brushed lightly against his leg. He wished he could see her expression. ‘I didn’t mean it,’ she whispered. ‘I sometimes say things I don’t mean, when I get tired and upset. I’ll come back, I promise I will.’

‘Good. I’d have to come and get you if you didn’t, you know.’

‘I know.’