20

 

February 1884

‘There’s a lot of mushrooms in some of the paddocks,’ Harry mentioned at breakfast the following Thursday. ‘I haven’t had mushrooms for ages.’

‘Mmm, I just fancy some mushrooms with lunch,’ said Jack.

That was enough of a hint for Amy. After breakfast she took a large basket and prepared to set out on a mushrooming expedition. She was in the porch putting on her boots when Jimmy came through the gate.

‘Have you got another basket?’ he asked. ‘I’ll come and help you.’

‘Shouldn’t you be working somewhere?’

‘Oh, they won’t miss me. Anyway, we can pick more if we both go.’

Amy did not need much persuading to fetch another basket, and they set off together.

‘Have you written to your father yet?’ Amy asked as soon as they were safely out of earshot of the house.

‘I haven’t got any notepaper. I’m not sure what to do, I can’t ask Susannah for any, because I don’t want her to know I’m writing.’

‘Her paper’s pink and scented, anyway,’ Amy said, remembering letters she had seen Susannah write to her mother. ‘That wouldn’t impress your father!’ They both laughed at the thought.

‘You don’t have any, do you?’ Jimmy asked.

‘No, I never write letters—who’ve I got to write to? Except sometimes I help Pa if he has to order things from Auckland or write to the bank, things like that. I don’t see how I can ask Pa for any of his notepaper, though. He’d want to know what I wanted it for.’

‘I’ll have to buy some in town, then. If I can get in there without Susannah wanting to come, that is. Yes, I’ll try and find some excuse to ride in by myself this week.’

They found mushrooms in the low-lying paddocks, but they had to cover a large area before their baskets were half-full. They worked their way along the bank of the Waimarama until they reached the point where the stream emerged from the bush.

‘Are there any mushrooms in there?’ Jimmy asked, indicating the trees.

‘Not many. There might be a few in the clearings.’

‘Let’s go and see. We’ve about cleaned out this paddock.’

Amy hesitated, torn between the desire to be alone with Jimmy and the fear of what might happen if she was. ‘I don’t know if we should.’

‘Oh, come on,’ Jimmy said, pulling at her hand. ‘It won’t be for long. I can’t kiss you out here in the open.’

‘Well…’ Amy said. ‘I’d like to, but—’

‘Please?’ Jimmy gave her a beseeching smile. ‘I haven’t kissed you for days—not properly, anyway.’

‘All right, then.’ That thing’s not going to happen again, though—not until we’re married, she told herself firmly. The last time they had both got over-excited; this time she was prepared.

When they came to the first sunlit clearing Jimmy put down his own basket, then took hers out of her hand and placed it on the ground. ‘Now let’s not waste any more time.’ His mouth came down on hers. Amy flung her arms around his neck and kissed back enthusiastically.

Jimmy slid his arms down her back and held her close, then pushed her gently so that she lost her balance and would have fallen if he hadn’t been holding her so tightly. Instead Amy found herself being lowered gently to the ground, and in a moment Jimmy was lying close beside her.

She moved her hands to his shoulders and pushed, at the same time twisting her mouth away from his. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Showing you I love you,’ Jimmy said, reaching out to fondle her breasts. ‘You do love me, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do, but I don’t think we should lie down like this.’

‘It’s a bit hard to do it standing up,’ Jimmy murmured in her ear as he nuzzled at her hair. ‘Just relax and enjoy yourself.’

‘No!’ Amy said, pushing harder at his shoulders. ‘No, we mustn’t—not till we’re married.’

‘But we’ll be married soon—what’s the difference? Why wait? We’re as good as married now. Come on, Amy, it’s even harder to resist you now I know what you’re like.’

‘We’re not married yet. Please stop, Jimmy. I don’t want to.’

‘I know what’s worrying you!’ Jimmy said. ‘It’s because I hurt you, isn’t it? That’s because it was the first time—I was a bit rough, too, because I was so desperate for you. It won’t hurt any more, I promise. You might even enjoy it.’ He tried to slip his leg between hers, but Amy kept her thighs pressed tightly together.

‘I’ll be careful,’ he said. ‘I promise I’ll be careful. Don’t you trust me?’

‘No… yes… I don’t know… I don’t want to. I don’t want to!’ Amy felt tears starting from her eyes.

Jimmy let her go abruptly. He sat up and moved away from her a little. ‘So that’s how it is,’ he said flatly. ‘I hurt you the other night, and now you want to get back at me. Ah, well, I suppose it’s only natural.’

‘I don’t understand—how am I hurting you?’ Amy asked, sitting up quickly.

‘I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, Amy.’ Jimmy seemed unwilling to meet her eyes. ‘It’s not easy for a man to think he’s going to be made happy, then be turned down. It’s… it’s painful.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Amy said helplessly.

‘I didn’t think you were that sort of girl.’ He turned away from her as he spoke, sounding deeply hurt.

‘What? What sort of girl? I don’t know what you mean.’

‘I don’t want to say it, but what else am I to think? You let me the other night, and now you say you don’t want to. I didn’t think you were a tease, Amy.’ He still had his back to her.

‘I’m not! I don’t want to be a tease.’ Amy was unsure exactly what a ‘tease’ might be, but was certain it was something unpleasant. ‘I didn’t mean to do that the other night, it just sort of happened.’

Jimmy turned to face her again. ‘I suppose you didn’t mean to say you’d marry me, either. Well, I won’t hold you to it if you’ve changed your mind. Do you want to break off our engagement?’

‘No! I want to marry you more than anything in the world!’ Amy reached out to put her arms around his neck, but he sat still and unresponsive. She let her hands drop to her lap.

‘Maybe you’ll change your mind about wanting to marry me like you have about making me happy.’

‘I’ll never change my mind. I love you, Jimmy.’

‘I thought you did. Until today I was sure you did.’

‘What have I done wrong?’ Amy pleaded. ‘Why don’t you believe I love you?’ He said nothing, just stared at her reproachfully.

Amy looked at him helplessly through the tears spilling out of her eyes. She was desperate to see that reproach turn once again into happiness. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. We’ve done it once, and we’re going to get married soon. I don’t want to… but he looks so unhappy…

She lay back on the ground, her eyes tightly closed and her teeth clenched against the pain she was certain would come in spite of his assurances, and waited for him to lie down on top of her. When several seconds had passed and nothing had happened she opened her eyes again, to see Jimmy looking at her with a mixture of amusement and sadness.

‘You must think I’m a monster,’ he said. ‘I wish you could see yourself, lying there like a sacrificial lamb, determined but terrified. And I’m the man with the knife. Forget about it.’

‘Don’t you want to now?’ Amy asked in confusion.

‘Not like that. I want you to want it. Just forget about it for now and let me tell you how much I love you.’

‘But—’

‘Shh,’ he ordered. He silenced her with a kiss, then lay down beside her once again. ‘My beautiful little one, how could I force you to do anything against your will? I’m just impatient for you, that’s all. I’ve been thinking about what it’s going to be like when we’re married. You’ll be with me in Auckland—you’ll like that, won’t you?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘We’ll have our own little place, and I’m going to see that you have a servant to help. You shouldn’t be washing and scrubbing all day. You can sit and do embroidery while I’m out, and watch someone else do the cooking and cleaning.’

‘No,’ Amy said firmly. ‘Not the cooking. I’m not going to let anyone else cook for you—I want to do that myself. I’ll make all the things you like best.’

He laughed. ‘Whatever you want, darling. You’re a wonderful cook, anyway. On the weekends I’ll take you out visiting, and walking in Albert Park, and I’ll see all the men wishing they had a beautiful wife like you. I’ll have to get a carriage so I can show you off in style.’ Amy giggled in delight. ‘And lots of beautiful dresses for you, too. Like your new dress, only even prettier.’

‘You’d better get a couple of horses for your carriage. I’m going to cost you a lot of money,’ Amy said, enjoying the fantasy.

‘Well, maybe I won’t buy all those things just at first. Will you wear the blue dress for our wedding?’

‘I don’t think I’ll have much choice. I got in such trouble over getting it dirty the other night, I won’t be allowed another new dress for a while. Not a silk one, anyway.’

‘Good. You’re pretty enough in your pinafore,’ he ran his hand over the white cotton pinafore as he spoke, until his palm cupped one breast, ‘but in that blue dress you’re a princess. It’s like a wedding dress already, because you were wearing it when you said you’d marry me.’

‘I don’t suppose I’ll be wearing pinafores much longer after we get engaged—officially engaged, I mean. I’ll have to start wearing grown-up clothes.’

‘And corsets.’ Jimmy wrinkled his nose in disgust. ‘I’d better make the most of you now, then.’ He held her close and kissed her, then ran both hands over her chest and stomach, down her legs and back up again. Amy shivered at his touch, and pressed her body against his hands.

‘Now, where was I?’ Jimmy murmured. ‘Let’s see, in the evenings I’ll take you to the theatre—I know you’ll enjoy that.’

‘I’ll love it! What will we see?’

‘Whatever you want—we’ll go as often as you like.’ He lifted her pinafore to fondle her more easily. Amy felt her dress ride up above her knees as he stroked her, but she was too happy to worry about it.

‘It’ll be like a fairy tale,’ she said dreamily.

‘It’ll be true,’ Jimmy whispered in her ear. ‘Then the best part will happen. We’ll go home, and we’ll be all alone in our soft bed. No more lying in the grass for you, little one. Then I’ll take you in my arms—’

‘Like this?’ she murmured.

‘Just like this. Except more comfortable. Don’t interrupt.’ He placed a finger on her lips. ‘I’ll take you in my arms and kiss you,’ he fitted his action to his words, ‘and tell you how much I love you,’ his hand ran down her leg, ‘then I’ll show you how much.’ He lifted her dress and nudged his legs between her now-limp ones. Instead of struggling, Amy put her arms around his neck and pulled his face down to hers to kiss him. A few moments later she found he had been right: this time it didn’t hurt a bit.

 

*

 

When Amy took Susannah’s early morning cup of tea to her a few days later she found her stepmother pacing around the floor with a crying George in her arms, while little Thomas slept on undisturbed.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ Amy asked.

‘How should I know? He can’t tell me. He can’t be hungry, I fed him an hour ago. Then he was sick all over my nightdress. He woke me in the night, grizzling like this.’

‘I know. I heard him through the wall. Shall I take him for a while?’

‘All right.’ Susannah passed the baby to Amy. ‘See if you can get a bit of porridge or something into him, perhaps he is hungry after all. He was sick last night after I gave him his bottle, too.’

‘Do you think maybe he’s not well.’

Susannah shrugged. ‘Edie says I’m weaning him too quickly. I weaned Thomas at this age, though, and he wasn’t sick all the time. He’s growing, so he must be all right.’

Amy made a secure little nest of blankets for George in a corner of the kitchen and mixed up some milky porridge for him while the adults’ breakfast was keeping warm on the range. She sat him on her lap and spooned food into the eager mouth. ‘You really are hungry, aren’t you, Georgie,’ she murmured. ‘Poor little thing.’

She was rocking George on her lap and singing to him when she became aware that she was no longer alone in the room with the baby. She looked up to see Jimmy smiling at her. ‘You look sweet with him.’ He sat down beside her. ‘You look like someone in a painting.’

‘He’s a lovely baby. Both Susannah’s little ones are sweet.’

‘They don’t take after their mother, then.’

‘Jimmy, you shouldn’t talk about your sister like that,’ Amy scolded. ‘Would you like to hold George for me while I dish up your breakfast?’

‘Well, I don’t know,’ he said dubiously. ‘He won’t break, will he? I’m not used to babies.’

‘Don’t be silly. Here you are.’ She put George on a reluctant Jimmy’s lap. ‘He can hold up his head nicely. You just put your arm behind him like this, then he’ll be quite steady.’ She took Jimmy’s hand and curled his arm around the baby.

George looked up at Jimmy and broke into a broad smile. ‘Oh, you like your old uncle, do you?’ Jimmy said, looking gratified. The next moment George gave a lurch, and the porridge returned to cover his own front and Jimmy’s. ‘Maybe you don’t like me after all.’ Jimmy looked helplessly from George to Amy.

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ Amy snatched up the baby from his lap. ‘I didn’t think he’d be sick again—wait a minute, I’ll get you cleaned up as soon as I’ve sorted Georgie out.’

‘Don’t worry about me, I can clean myself up. I’ll just put another shirt on.’

He disappeared from the room. By the time he came back, Amy had mopped up the vomit from the front of George’s gown and had started changing his napkin.

‘Phew! What’s that awful smell?’ Jimmy asked.

‘It’s the smell of babies. It is horrible, isn’t it? Much worse than cows and things. This is worse than usual,’ she said, looking at the runny mess in the soiled napkin. ‘I think he might have an upset tummy. I’m sorry I’ve got to do this in the kitchen, but Susannah’s having a sleep and I don’t want to disturb her.’

Jimmy opened the back door and a window. Once Amy had put the dirty napkin outside, the air soon freshened. ‘I’m a little bit worried about Georgie,’ she said, frowning. ‘Susannah said he was sick last night and first thing this morning, now he’s done it again.’

‘Is Susannah worried?’

‘No, but she doesn’t know he’s been sick again. Well, she knows more about it than I do,’ she said, looking at the baby now dozing contentedly among the blankets.

‘She should do, she’s got two of them. Now, do you think we could manage a little walk in the bush today? Ever since last time I’ve been thinking about it.’

‘I don’t notice you wanting to do much walking once we’re among the trees,’ Amy said with a smile. ‘You seem to want to lie down all the time.’

‘Well, it’s very tiring, this farming life.’ Jimmy returned her smile. ‘What about this walk, then?’

‘Not this morning, I’ve got a lot of cleaning to do. Maybe I could slip away this afternoon for a bit, if you’re not too busy working.’

‘I’ll find some excuse. I’ll make sure I’m hanging around after lunch.’

But when lunch-time came Amy had other things on her mind. George vomited several more times during the morning, and Susannah began to look concerned. ‘Amy, you go over and ask Edie what she thinks about it,’ she said at eleven o’clock when George had produced another runny napkin.

Amy trotted across the paddocks. She was soon back with her aunt’s message, to find her father in the kitchen with Susannah and both children. ‘Aunt Edie looked worried,’ she reported. ‘She said you should take him to the doctor, because he’s too little to go without anything to eat all this time. She said take him today or tomorrow.’

‘Oh. It must be bad for Edie to worry. I suppose I’d better go in this afternoon, then. Jack, will you take me?’

‘I’d rather not today,’ said Jack. ‘I want to get some of those early potatoes harvested this afternoon while the weather’s holding. One of us will be going to town in a day or two, anyway, me or one of the boys, can’t it wait till then? He looks well enough, he’s just bringing up a bit of food.’

‘Jack, don’t you care about my baby?’ Susannah looked accusingly at Jack as she clutched George to her. ‘My poor little baby’s ill, and all you can think about is potatoes!’ She sounded on the verge of tears.

‘Hey, don’t get upset, Susannah. If you’re really worried, Amy can take you in today.’

‘Me?’ Amy said in surprise.

‘Yes, you know how to drive the buggy.’

‘I haven’t for a while, Pa,’ Amy said, struggling to remember the last time she had sat beside her father on the front seat and held the reins.

‘It doesn’t matter. Those horses know the way by themselves, anyway. I’ll get one of the boys to harness them up for you after lunch.’

As soon as they had eaten, Amy left the dishes unwashed and they set off towards town. Susannah sat at her side holding George, and Thomas was between them. Amy was nervous for the first few minutes, and she jerked the reins awkwardly several times, but she soon found it was easiest to let the horses have their heads. Her father was right, the animals really did know the way.

The jolting of the buggy soon put both little boys to sleep, which made the silence between Amy and Susannah all the more obvious. Amy made an effort to break it.

‘It’s a lovely day,’ she said when they had been travelling for ten minutes.

‘It’s terribly hot.’ Susannah adjusted the angle of her parasol to protect herself and George a little better.

‘Well, yes, but it’s nice and sunny. The sea’s going to look beautiful today.’

‘I hate this long drive in to town. Why is everything so ugly here?’

‘I don’t think it’s ugly! I think the bush looks lovely in the sunshine, and the sea’s always beautiful.’

‘I’m not interested in what you think. What would you know about anything? You’re just an ignorant farm girl.’

Amy bit back the retort that came to her lips. ‘I’ve never been anywhere, I know that. I’d like to see other places. I still think it’s pretty here, though.’

Susannah sighed. ‘You wouldn’t if you’d ever lived somewhere interesting. I suppose it would be easier to put up with a place like this if I didn’t know any better.’

Susannah had dropped her habitual wounded expression, and a look of genuine sadness had replaced it. ‘What was it like, where you lived?’ Amy asked.

‘Lovely. We had a lovely house in Parnell. Everything was—is, I should say, the house is still there, even though I’m not. Everything is so nice. Nice furniture, nice carpets, a nice little garden—only half an acre, not a great wilderness. I must have been mad.’ Amy could think of nothing useful to say, so she kept silent.

‘It’s almost worse in a way, since James came.’ Susannah sounded as if she were talking to herself. ‘It’s made me miss Mother and Father more—even Constance. And James will have to go home soon, he can’t stay here much longer. Then I’ll be all by myself again.’

Amy could understand Susannah’s sadness at the thought of not seeing Jimmy again. ‘Maybe… maybe he’ll come down again some time,’ she said, wanting to share a little of her own happiness.

‘No, he won’t. Not for a long time like this, anyway. Father’s getting older—he’s even older than your father, though Constance wouldn’t believe that,’ she said with more than a touch of bitterness. ‘He’ll want James to take over properly in a year or two, James won’t be able to leave Auckland for months on end then.’

‘So Jimmy’s going to run things?’ Amy probed delicately, pleased to be given the opportunity to find out about Jimmy’s prospects without having to interrogate him.

‘Of course he is. He’s Father’s only son—he’ll inherit the business. Long before that happens he’ll be in charge of it. He’s going to be quite a wealthy young man. Not that he doesn’t deserve to be, he’s very clever.’ Her mouth curved in a fond smile.

‘Does that mean—’

‘Stop being so nosy,’ Susannah cut in. ‘It’s nothing to do with you, it’s my family. You just think about your driving and give me some peace for a change—I don’t want you tipping us over in one of these streams.’

I wouldn’t do that. But Amy was happy enough to keep silence for the rest of the journey while she mulled over what Susannah had told her. Jimmy’s prospects sounded wonderful to her, and she was sure her father would be impressed by them. That meant he would say yes! She hugged her happiness to herself.

Amy walked up and down the street with Thomas while Susannah was seeing the doctor. She did not have to wait long before Susannah came out again, clutching a wailing George.

‘That stupid doctor’s upset him, poking and prodding at him. George was sick again while he did it—at least he managed to be sick over Doctor Wallace’s coat. I’m going to have a terrible time settling him down now.’

‘He’ll probably go to sleep again when we start moving. Are we going home now?’

‘Yes. Get on with it.’

Amy held George while Susannah climbed in the buggy, then she handed up the baby and helped Thomas onto the seat. She unhitched the horses and they were soon on their way.

‘What did Doctor Wallace say about George?’ she asked.

‘None of your business.’

‘What?’ Amy said, shocked. ‘Why won’t you tell me what he said? I want to know.’

‘It’s personal.’

‘How can it be personal? Georgie’s just a baby. Please tell me what the doctor said—is it something really nasty?’ she asked anxiously.

‘It’s nothing to do with you!’ Susannah snapped.

Amy was stung into arguing. ‘Yes, it is! He’s my baby brother, and I care about him. Tell me what the doctor said—go on, tell me!’

‘You’re getting very full of yourself lately,’ Susannah said. ‘I’d tell your father you’re being cheeky, except he never takes any notice. Well, if you’re going to plague me I’ll tell you—not that you’ll understand.’

She was silent for so long that Amy thought Susannah must have changed her mind. ‘Please, Susannah. Maybe I can help look after him.’

‘Humph! I know you think you’re terribly clever, but you can’t help with this. That stupid doctor says George can’t tolerate solid food and cows milk yet. He says I’ve got to feed him myself until he’s at least nine months old.’

‘Oh. What’s wrong with that?’

‘I hate it, that’s what’s wrong!’ Susannah flung at her. ‘It’s uncomfortable and undignified, and it’ll ruin my figure. I don’t want to be a cow. Oh, why am I bothering to try and explain to you? You’re just a stupid child.’

‘I’m not stupid!’ Amy snapped. ‘And I’m not a child, either.’

Susannah looked at her through narrowed eyes. ‘You really are getting full of yourself. Whatever’s got into you lately?’

‘Nothing,’ Amy said, wondering if the difference she felt in herself really was visible on her face.

‘You’ve got a lot to say for yourself these days.’

‘Maybe I’m growing up.’ Amy concentrated on the road ahead of them to avoid meeting Susannah’s eyes.

‘It’s certainly high time you did. You’ve been awfully cheerful lately, too. What’s making you so happy?’

‘Why shouldn’t I be happy?’

‘No, I suppose it doesn’t take much to make a girl like you happy,’ Susannah said.

A tiny smile formed on Amy’s lips. Oh, yes it does.