11

 

August 1882 – February 1883

Amy woke the next morning eager to make amends for her guilty thoughts by being helpful to Susannah. She dressed and started making breakfast, then knocked timidly on Susannah’s door.

Mrs Parsons came to the door, looking weary. ‘What do you want?’ the nurse asked.

‘Is Susannah allowed breakfast? I’m just making it now.’

‘No, I don’t want her to have anything solid before lunch. You can bring her a cup of tea if you like.’

By the time Amy had made the tea Edie and Mrs Parsons had appeared in the kitchen, both yawning. She poured them a cup each before going back to Susannah’s room.

Despite her aunt’s assurances, Amy was nervous at the thought of seeing Susannah, but her stepmother was propped up against the pillows with a healthy colour in her face. Her hair had been brushed and her face washed; she looked drowsy but was clearly alive.

‘Susannah,’ Amy said quietly, ‘do you feel all right now?’

‘I feel sick, and I hurt all over,’ Susannah said, slurring her words. ‘That’s the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me.’

‘I’m sorry. Would you like some tea?’

‘I think so. I’m very thirsty. Help me sit up better. Ow!’ Susannah gasped as she tried to shift her position. ‘No, that hurts too much. I’ll have to try and drink it like this.’

Amy held the saucer for her and took the cup after each sip until Susannah had finished. ‘Go away,’ Susannah said. ‘I want to go back to sleep now.’

‘Can’t I see the baby?’ Amy asked, looking at the cradle on the far side of the bed.

‘If you must. Don’t wake it up.’

Amy walked as quietly as she could around to the cradle, and looked at the sleeping infant. All she could see was the top of the baby’s head peeping out of a blanket. He was bald apart from a light fuzz of dark hair. ‘He’s beautiful,’ she said dutifully, then on impulse she knelt beside the bed so that her face was close to Susannah’s. ‘You’ll feel better soon, Susannah. I’m going to look after you.’

‘No you’re not,’ Susannah said, a little of her old snappishness coming through her drowsy tone. ‘You’re going next door—I think I’ve earned a rest from having you annoying me for a while.’

Amy’s vision of redeeming herself by good works evaporated instantly. For a moment she was too stunned to speak. ‘But… I won’t annoy you! I just want to help you till you feel well again—can’t I stay? Please?’

‘It’s bad enough having that Parsons woman poking and prodding at me and ordering me about—I don’t want you nagging at me and grizzling to your father all the time. He can take some notice of me for a change.’

‘I don’t know what you mean, Susannah,’ Amy said, standing up and shaking her head in confusion. ‘I thought I could make you nice things to eat, and help you look after the baby, and—’

There was a noise from the doorway, and Amy looked up to see her father erupt into the room. ‘It’s all over and no one called me! I went out looking for my breakfast and those women calmly tell me I’m a father again—where’s my son?’ He walked over to the cradle, crouched down and carefully pulled the blanket back to look at the baby’s face. ‘He’s a fine boy,’ he said proudly. He replaced the blanket, sat beside the bed and took Susannah’s hand between both of his. Amy, feeling out of place, made to leave them alone.

Jack noticed her movement. ‘Amy’s going to enjoy having a baby around to look after, aren’t you, girl?’

‘I… I would like to.’ Amy winced at the look in Susannah’s eyes.

‘You’re lucky to have the girl, she’ll be a real help to you,’ Jack said, smiling at Susannah.

‘You haven’t forgotten that Amy’s going to stay with Edie for a little while, have you, Jack?’ said Susannah.

‘Oh, that’s right, that nurse has to sleep in her room. Still, Amy could sleep there as well, couldn’t she?’

‘You can’t expect Mrs Parsons to share a bed with the girl! It’s hardly fair on the woman. Please don’t upset me, Jack, not when I’m so ill.’

‘All right, if that’s what you want,’ Jack conceded. ‘You don’t mind, do you girl?’

‘I… can I come and visit?’ Amy asked, reluctant to lie.

‘Of course you can! You come over every day—I’ll miss you if you don’t. You’ll want to see the baby, anyway.’

With that Amy had to be content, and she went out to the kitchen to finish making breakfast.

John and Harry were waiting at the table by now, apparently more concerned with their breakfast than with hearing about a new brother. By the time Amy was ready to dish up the bacon and eggs her father had also joined them, having seen Susannah off to sleep, and they all ate together. ‘Now mother and baby are settled I’d like to have a few hours sleep,’ Mrs Parsons said when she had finished her meal. ‘Where’s my room?’

‘My wife said you’re to have Amy’s room,’ said Jack. ‘Can Amy stay with you, Edie?’

‘Of course she can.’ Edie beamed at her.

At least she wants me, Amy thought dejectedly. She plucked up her courage to make one more attempt. ‘Mrs Parsons, won’t it be a lot of work for you to look after everything here? Couldn’t I do the cooking and things for you?’

‘And where would you sleep?’ Mrs Parsons said curtly. Then, seeing Amy’s hurt face, her manner softened a little. ‘Well, if you’re that keen to help… Mr Leith, how would it be if I only stayed a week instead of the ten days? That would give me long enough to see that the baby’s thriving and your wife’s all right, then this girl could look after her until she’s able to get up. I’ve another patient near her time, anyway.’

‘Of course Amy wants to look after her ma,’ said Jack. ‘If you think it’s all right, Mrs Parsons, that’s good enough for me.’

Amy showed Mrs Parsons where everything was in the kitchen and the larder, then took the woman into her own bedroom and folded back the coverlet for her. Amy bundled up the few clothes she would need and took them out to the kitchen, leaving Mrs Parsons to her well-earned rest.

‘You must be tired too, Aunt Edie,’ she said, noticing that her aunt’s eyelids were drooping as she sat cradling a half-empty cup between her hands.

‘Hmm? Yes, I suppose I am.’ Edie looked around the room as if unsure how she had come to be there. ‘I think I’ll go home soon—after the nurse gets up, anyway. I’ll have to keep an ear open for your ma until then.’

‘I could do that if you want to have a lie-down,’ Amy said eagerly.

Edie smiled at her. ‘You’re a good girl, but you wouldn’t be much use to her. I’ll have to show her how to feed the baby when he wakes up—you can’t do that, can you?’

‘No,’ Amy admitted, with a deep sense of her own uselessness. She made herself busy around the kitchen, doing what preparations she could towards lunch so Mrs Parsons would have less to do, but at the same time trying not to make any noise that might disturb the sleepers. Edie sat at the table, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness but apparently content.

They both looked up startled when the back door opened half an hour later to admit Lizzie, leading Ernie by the hand. The little boy rushed to his mother as soon as he laid eyes on her and clambered onto her lap. ‘Pa wants to know when you’re coming home,’ Lizzie said. ‘Ernie’s been playing up, he wouldn’t go to sleep for hours last night because you weren’t there to put him to bed.’

‘Poor little fellow,’ Edie crooned. ‘Did you miss your Mama?’

‘Pa gave him a smack, but that made him worse,’ Lizzie said. ‘He really yelled then, and I had to take him to bed with me. He still bawled for ages, though. You are coming back today, aren’t you? Pa said you’re to come home,’ she added quickly. Amy wondered if her uncle really had said it, or if Lizzie was merely ‘sure’ he would have.

‘Yes, now the baby’s arrived safely I’m not needed. I’ll come back with you in a bit. Not just yet, though.’

Amy put the kettle on again, and they were halfway through drinking another pot of tea when Edie abruptly turned towards the open passage door. ‘The baby’s awake,’ she announced, though neither girl had heard any sound, and a moment later they heard Susannah’s voice coming faintly down the passage. Edie put her cup down and disappeared from the room, with Ernie trailing after her.

‘So, what is it?’ Lizzie asked.

‘A boy.’

Lizzie pulled a face. ‘Another one. We’re not very good at girls in our family, are we?’

‘No. It doesn’t make much difference yet, anyway.’

‘It will, though. Boys just make more work, a girl would be a help around the place.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘You don’t sound very cheerful—what’s wrong with you?’ Lizzie asked, looking at Amy’s set expression.

‘Nothing. I’m coming to stay with you.’

‘That’s nothing to look miserable about! I can tell you about me and Frank. Why are you coming?’

‘Because Susannah doesn’t want me around.’

‘Oh. That’s lucky—I thought she’d want you fetching and carrying for her.’

‘So did I.’

Lizzie took a last gulp from her cup and stood up. ‘I’ll go and have a look at this baby.’

‘Susannah mightn’t want you to.’

‘Of course she will. Women always want to show off their babies.’

Amy followed Lizzie down the passage and into the bedroom. Susannah was sitting up with the baby at her breast while Edie sat on the bed close to her, adjusting the way Susannah held her new son.

‘What are you doing here?’ Susannah said, frowning at the two girls. ‘I’m not on display, you know.’

‘Now, Susannah, don’t get upset—they just want to see the baby. He’s had enough for now, anyway, I’ll put him down again.’ Edie took the baby in her arms and Susannah quickly buttoned her nightdress. ‘Come and have a look, Lizzie,’ Edie invited, and Lizzie stared at the child with mild interest as Edie laid him in the cradle.

‘You’ve had a look, now go away—and take her with you,’ Susannah said, indicating Amy.

‘I think I’ll go home now, Ma,’ Lizzie said as if it had been her own idea. ‘I’ll tell Pa you’ll be home for lunch.’

‘All right, dear,’ said Edie. Lizzie pulled Amy out of the room before her mother had time to tell her to take Ernie with her.

 

*

 

The girls were awake late that night, sharing whispers in the darkness as they lay close in Lizzie’s bed. Amy was distracted from her sense of hurt by Lizzie’s chattering. ‘Frank came for lunch again on Saturday,’ Lizzie said, and Amy could hear the smug satisfaction in her voice. ‘That’s the third time Pa’s asked him now.’

‘He’s starting to be quite a member of the family, isn’t he?’ Amy said, trying hard not to giggle.

‘He’s getting there. He hardly says a word to me—’

‘I don’t suppose you give him much chance.’

‘Of course I do, but he’s so shy, if I said nothing he’d be embarrassed. Don’t interrupt all the time. He doesn’t say much, but he looks a lot—and he enjoys a good meal.’

‘So is he going to come regularly now?’

Lizzie gave a snort of annoyance. ‘I don’t know yet. It’s up to Pa to ask him—so far, anyway—and I don’t like talking to Pa about it.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, when I did just casually mention it, he started making smart remarks about how there’s no need for me to panic, I won’t be an old maid for a year or two yet, and I don’t need to run after Frank because he won’t run away very fast, and—what’s so funny?’ she said, sensing Amy’s smothered giggles.

‘You, that’s what. Uncle Arthur’s a bit sharper than you gave him credit for, isn’t he?’

‘Humph!’ Lizzie said in disgust. ‘He certainly thinks he’s very clever. Anyway, the main thing is he’s getting used to seeing Frank around the place. Frank’ll stop being scared of me if I give him time.’

‘And you’ve got plenty of time,’ Amy said, trying to sound serious. ‘Like Uncle Arthur said, you won’t be an old maid for at least another year.’

‘Careful, girl, none of your cheek,’ Lizzie growled in a fair imitation of her father’s voice, and she gave Amy the gentlest of slaps on the arm. ‘It’s a pity that baby’s a boy,’ she said, switching subjects abruptly.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Amy said with a shrug. ‘I’m used to brothers.’

‘I suppose it doesn’t, really. Now I come to think about it, it’d be at least five years before a girl would be old enough to be any use to you, and you’ll probably be married by then.’

‘Don’t start that, Lizzie. You worry about yourself, leave me out of it.’

‘Oh, I’ll definitely be married by then. Good grief, I’ll be twenty! Even if Pa gets really stupid about it and wants me to wait, I’m sure he’ll let me get married when I’m eighteen. Your father’s so soft-hearted, he’d probably let you when you’re sixteen.’

‘Lizzie! Don’t go on about it, I’m not very interested.’ I want to be a teacher.

‘Hey, maybe we could get married together!’ Lizzie said in a new burst of enthusiasm.

Amy decided to play Lizzie at her own game for a change. ‘What a wonderful idea—are you going to organise Ben for me when you get Frank sorted out?’

‘Ben? I didn’t know you were interested in Ben—it won’t be very easy to talk him round… are you trying to be funny?’

‘Yes,’ Amy admitted. ‘Figuring out how to court Ben would be a bit much even for you. But can’t you just see the two of them side-by-side at the altar waiting for us? Frank’d be trying to figure out if it was too late to run away and hide, and Ben—’

‘Ben would be saying you’d be all right as long as you stayed in the kitchen day and night and never said a word,’ Lizzie interrupted, her voice rising in mirth.

The two of them dissolved into fits of giggles, until they were silenced by a thump on the wall. ‘Settle down, you two,’ they heard Arthur call, and Amy pressed her face into the pillow to muffle her laughter.

 

*

 

Susannah had decided her son was to be called Thomas James, after her own father and brother, and Jack seemed happy to let her please herself over the names. When Thomas was three weeks old and Susannah had taken her first tentative excursions out of the bedroom, she announced that she wanted to have a tea party to show off her new son. Amy made the nicest cakes and biscuits she knew how to, and Jack was given the job of delivering Susannah’s invitations to the chosen women.

On the appointed afternoon, Amy helped Susannah settle herself comfortably in the best armchair, Thomas on her lap, before the guests arrived. It was a small group that assembled in the Leith’s parlour. Edie was there with little Ernie, and Lizzie had invited herself. Bessie Aitken’s mother Rachel brought her younger two children (Bessie was at school); Amy, whose eyes had grown sharper to the signs, thought Rachel might be expecting a fourth baby. With Rachel came her friend and neighbour Marion Forster, with her own two-year-old son.

After serving the tea and cakes, Amy and Lizzie took over the task of supervising the four toddlers in a corner of the parlour, where the women soon ignored their presence. The girls plied the children with cakes, which kept them remarkably quiet if not clean. Amy resigned herself to giving the rugs an extra-good beating later.

‘He’s a fine, healthy-looking boy,’ Rachel said, brushing Thomas’ cheek with her hand. ‘You must be relieved it’s all over.’ She smiled at Susannah with the sympathy of shared pains.

‘Oh, yes,’ Susannah said with feeling. ‘I had a terrible time of it—I thought I was going to die.’

‘Worst pain in the world, soonest forgotten,’ Edie said complacently. ‘The pain’s nothing much with chloroform, anyway—having Ernie was no trouble, not when I think about Annie and me delivering one another’s babies with nothing to help. Now that was pain.’

‘I didn’t have any till it was nearly over,’ Susannah said huffily.

‘You had it as soon as it was safe—you don’t know how long it was after that, you were asleep, you silly girl.’ Edie smiled at her, but Susannah did not return the smile.

‘We’re lucky there’s things to help nowadays,’ Marion agreed. ‘Things are much easier for women now.’

Thomas started to cry, and Susannah opened her bodice and put him to her breast. ‘I’ll be glad when this part’s over and he can eat solid food. When will that be, Edie?’

‘Well, you can start giving him a bit of milky gruel when he’s five or six months old, but you’ll want to keep feeding him yourself for a year.’

‘A whole year! Oh, no, I can’t put up with that,’ Susannah said firmly.

‘I always feed mine for at least a year,’ Rachel said in her shy way. ‘I think it’s better for them—and it’s certainly better for me.’

‘I fed Bobby for a year and a half,’ Marion chimed in. ‘It’s no bother, really.’

‘Ugh! It’s so… well, undignified. It’ll ruin my figure, too, a child dragging at me like this.’

‘There’s one thing that’d ruin your figure faster than that, Susannah—that’s having a child every year. Best way of spreading them out is to keep on feeding him yourself as long as you can.’ Edie sounded very certain.

‘Really?’ Susannah looked more interested. ‘Is that how it works?’

‘Oh, yes. You hardly ever hear of a woman getting with child while she’s still feeding the last one.’

‘That’s how I’ve put off having another one this long,’ said Marion.

‘It’s how I’ve got two years between all mine, too,’ Rachel added.

‘Oh. Well, I suppose I can put up with it, then.’

‘Of course you can slow them down a bit by fiddling about with calendars and dates,’ Edie said vaguely. ‘It’s no good young women like you trying that, though. Wait until you’ve been married a few more years, Susannah, and I’ll tell you about that.’

Edie leaned towards the other women and spoke more quietly. ‘I had a bit of a fright myself last month,’ she said in a conspiratorial tone. ‘The bleeding was a couple of weeks late—I’m never sure exactly when it’s coming, I always forget to make a note of the date when I get it, but I know it was late. It gave me quite a turn, I can tell you—another baby at my age.’

Lizzie’s eyes opened wide at her mother’s words, and she turned to Amy with a horrified expression. ‘Oh, no!’ she mouthed silently.

‘I’d be nearly forty when it was born. Of course, I wouldn’t mind too much myself.’ She smiled fondly at little Thomas, who was still sucking greedily. ‘Arthur would’ve gone crook, though—he reckoned he was a bit past putting up with babies when Ernie came along. Not that he isn’t sweet with the little fellow most of the time.’

‘You’re not, are you?’ Susannah asked, looking rather disapproving.

‘No,’ Edie said, and it was hard to tell if she were more relieved or disappointed. ‘The bleeding turned up in the end. No, I think it meant the opposite, really—I’m about finished with having babies, and I won’t be getting the bleeding much longer.’ Lizzie gave an exaggerated, though silent, sigh of relief.

‘I’ve got another child coming,’ Rachel said shyly. ‘I think I’m going to have a big family—I’m only twenty-four now.’

‘You must have married very young,’ Susannah said, turning to her with a slight frown.

‘Yes, I was only seventeen. That’s too young, really, I think eighteen’s soon enough. Matt was older, he was twenty-five, so at least one of us was grown up.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘I don’t think he’ll let our girls get married before they’re eighteen.’

Lizzie pulled a face. ‘That’s just what Ma needs to hear, I don’t think,’ she whispered to Amy.

‘She’ll have forgotten by the time she gets home,’ Amy whispered back.

 

*

 

For a time Susannah appeared to enjoy the status a new baby gave her among other women, but the novelty of the baby soon seemed to wear off. Amy found there were unpleasant tasks involved in caring for a child, and as nasty smells and messes upset city-bred Susannah far more than they did Amy, the girl took on much of the napkin-washing and cleaning up of vomit that Thomas generated. Susannah seemed to be tired most of the time; even when Thomas started sleeping through the night, when he was four months old, he still woke much earlier in the morning than his mother would have chosen. Amy now always brought Susannah a cup of tea when Jack had got up, and she got into the habit of taking the baby out to the kitchen with her after Susannah had given him his first feed of the day so that her stepmother could doze for an extra half hour. Thomas seemed content to gurgle to himself in the nest of blankets Amy made for him in a warm corner of the kitchen until his mother emerged to take charge of him again.

Susannah’s mother had sent parcels of beautifully embroidered baby gowns, more ornamental than useful, when Susannah had written to let her parents know they had a new grandchild. One day in early December, while Amy was holding Thomas and Susannah was having her morning tea, Jack brought home another parcel. Susannah was at first delighted over the delicate lacy shawl that emerged, but when she read the letter that had been tucked into the shawl she made a sound of dismay.

‘Oh no! It’s not fair!’

‘What’s wrong?’ Jack asked. ‘Not bad news from your mother?’

‘Yes… no… oh, it’s just not fair. Constance and Henry have got a new house—in Judges Bay!’

‘Is that bad?’ Amy asked.

‘It’s just the nicest part of Auckland, that’s all,’ Susannah said, obviously close to tears. ‘My sister living in Judges Bay, and I’m in this dump.’ Thomas stirred in Amy’s arms and began to cry, and Susannah snatched him up to carry him off to the bedroom, where she could feed him in privacy. ‘I’m turning into an old frump, stuck out here with this little parasite draining my strength and ruining my figure,’ she flung over her shoulder as she stalked out of the kitchen. Amy and Jack looked at each other, then went about their work. An unspoken agreement had evolved between them not to discuss Susannah’s more unreasonable outbursts.

 

*

 

Even Susannah now considered the elaborate dresses she had brought from Auckland too fussy for the country during the height of summer, and she had taken to wearing plainer cotton ones around the house. She found the hot, dusty trip into town too much to bear more than once a week, and on particularly humid Sundays she even felt unable to go to church. Throughout January Amy thought Susannah seemed worried about something, but she knew better than to pry. One February morning when Amy went into Susannah’s room to bring her cup of tea and take Thomas away, she found Susannah standing in her nightdress in front of her open wardrobe, stroking her dresses and looking at them with an expression that was almost hungry.

Amy put the cup on Susannah’s bedside table and went over to stand beside her. ‘Those dresses are really beautiful,’ she said softly. ‘It’ll be nice to see you wearing them again this winter.’

‘I hope so,’ Susannah said. There was a catch in her voice that puzzled Amy, but Susannah’s feelings were so often a mystery that she thought little of it. ‘They’re all I’ve got left.’

‘You could get some more.’

‘That’s not what I meant. They’re all that’s left from how I used to be, before I got like this.’ There was a silence between them, then Susannah got back into bed and picked up her teacup.

Amy picked Thomas up and carried him from the room. She was not sure why Susannah seemed so desperately unhappy, but she thought perhaps she understood just a little of her stepmother’s longing for the life she had led in Auckland.

Amy was playing with Thomas, who was just learning to push himself up on his hands to look around, in the kitchen after breakfast when Susannah came out. ‘Look after him for me, I’m going out for a little while,’ she said.

‘Where are you going?’ Amy asked in surprise, but Susannah went to the porch and put her boots on without a word, then closed the door firmly behind her.

‘Where’s your ma?’ Jack asked when he came in for morning tea. He took his little son onto his lap. ‘Not still in bed, is she?’

‘No, she got up quite early and went out—I don’t know where she’s gone, she didn’t say,’ said Amy.

Jack sighed. ‘I wonder what’s got into her now—she’s not usually much of a one for taking walks, especially in this heat. Oh well, the fresh air might do her some good—she’s inclined to spend too much time inside moping.’ He sniffed. ‘The air’s not too sweet in here, what’s that?’ He felt gingerly at Thomas’ napkin. ‘Hmm, I think this little fellow needs cleaning up.’

‘I’ll change him, Pa.’ Amy scooped up the baby and took him to Jack and Susannah’s room. When he had a clean napkin on she thought he looked sleepy, so she laid him down in his cradle and crept out of the room, closing the door softly.

She was almost back at the kitchen when she heard the outside door open and close. Amy could tell from the tread that it was Susannah, and she stopped in the passage near the open door, unsure whether to go into the kitchen or not.

‘Where’ve you been?’ she heard her father ask. ‘Amy said you rushed off somewhere and wouldn’t tell her where you were going.’

I didn’t say it like that, Amy thought in mild irritation.

‘I don’t have to ask that child’s permission to step outside the door, do I?’ Susannah sounded barely in control, and Amy’s heart sank.

‘Of course you don’t, we just wondered where you were—have you been crying, Susannah?’ Amy heard her father’s step as he crossed the floor.

‘Don’t touch me!’ Susannah flung at him, but she went on more quietly. ‘I’ve been to see Edie to ask her about what’s happening to me. Things didn’t seem right, not like how she said they’d be. And they’re not right. All that talk about how it couldn’t happen while I had all the unpleasantness of feeding him myself—it wasn’t true.’ She fell silent for a few moments. ‘I’m with child again.’

‘That’s nothing to be upset about!’ Jack said, delight in his voice.

‘Yes, trust you to think that,’ Susannah said bitterly. ‘Just like one of your cows, regular as clockwork every August. Well, I’m not one of your cows, and I don’t want to be treated like one. I’m not going to put up with it, do you hear?’

‘Now, Susannah, there’s no need to talk like that. It’s a bit sooner than you thought, but that just means the little ones will be good playmates for each other. You would’ve had another one soon enough, anyway—what difference does it make whether there’s one year between them or two?’

‘Take your hands off me!’ Susannah screamed. She rushed from the room, too abruptly for Amy to make a dash for her own bedroom.

Susannah came face to face with her and stopped in her tracks. ‘Listening at keyholes, were you?’ she said, her voice raw with suppressed weeping, then she pushed past Amy and disappeared into her bedroom. She slammed the door after her, and Amy heard Thomas start crying, but the baby’s wails were soon drowned by his mother’s.