7

 

February – April 1882

Susannah was not at the breakfast table next morning when Amy served the meal to her father and brothers. She and Jack avoided each others’ eyes, and Amy ate in silence; she thought her father and brothers were quieter than usual, too.

Jack ate quickly and left the house as soon as he had finished his meal, but John and Harry seemed to be dawdling over theirs. Her brothers looked at one another, then at Amy.

‘You went to bed early last night,’ said John.

‘Yes,’ Amy said, in a tone meant to discourage further comments.

But Harry would not be put off. ‘Did you get a hiding?’ he burst out.

‘Yes, I did.’ Amy’s hand ached at the memory, and she pressed it against her side.

‘What for?’ asked John.

‘For annoying her.’

‘Just for that?’ Harry said in amazement. ‘She annoys me every day, and I’ve never seen her get a hiding. That’s not fair on you—she’s always nagging at you.’

‘Gee, that’s a bit rough, Amy.’ John looked concerned. Their sympathy made Amy want to cry, and she rose from the table to hide her emotion.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said, making herself busy clearing their plates away.

‘Is that why you didn’t come out to have tea? Were you bawling?’ Harry wanted to know.

‘I wasn’t allowed to come out,’ Amy said, her back to them. ‘I had to go without my dinner so I could think about how wicked I am.’ Pa didn’t want her to do that—but he let her anyway. ‘And you know what?’ She turned around to face them again. ‘It didn’t work.’

‘What didn’t work?’ Harry looked puzzled.

‘Shutting me up like that. I thought about it, all right. I said something I shouldn’t have—’

‘What?’ Harry asked with an eager expression.

‘Never you mind—I don’t want you repeating it and getting me in more trouble. But it was all true, and she shouldn’t have said what she did, and hitting me doesn’t change that.’

She stopped, seeing that they both looked mystified. ‘Don’t mind me, I’m just rambling. I know what I’m talking about, even if I’m not making much sense.’

‘So she said something that annoyed you,’ John said slowly, struggling to follow her, ‘and you said something back, so you got a hiding for it, then you got sent to bed without any tea.’

‘That’s right.’

‘Huh!’ Harry said in disgust. ‘If she started it, why didn’t she get the hiding?’

‘Because Pa says she’s my mother and I’ve got to do what she says, and because he doesn’t want her to get upset.’

‘Mother! What a load of crap—she’s only a couple of years older than John. What I want to know is—’

‘Come on, Harry, let’s get moving,’ John interrupted. He made a small gesture of warning with his hand. Unlike Harry, who had his back to the door, John had seen the handle turning.

When Harry gave a glance over his shoulder and saw Susannah entering the room, he needed no further encouragement. ‘Mmm, better get going—see you later, Amy.’ He and John left the house with barely a glance at Susannah.

‘Did you have to eat your breakfast standing up, dear?’ Susannah asked. ‘What a shame. You’ll remember that lesson for a while, won’t you?’ If Susannah had been any more pleased with herself, Amy thought, she would have been purring.

‘Can I get you something to eat?’ Amy asked very meekly.

‘Just an egg, thank you—and some tea, of course.’ She lifted the lid of the teapot and looked inside, then wrinkled her nose. ‘Make a fresh pot, this looks rather stewed.’

‘Whatever you say, Susannah.’

‘Well, I must say that’s a better attitude from you—I shall have to tell your father you’re getting over your haughtiness.’

Amy said nothing as she cleared away the breakfast things. She went into the parlour to start cleaning that room as soon as she could, leaving Susannah still sitting at the table sipping her second cup of tea.

After she had beaten the rugs Amy decided to indulge herself for a while before it was time to make lunch. She took a slim volume from her little bookshelf and slipped quietly out of the house while Susannah was writing letters in her bedroom.

As she walked out of the garden to look for a quiet spot, Amy pondered whether she preferred a calm but vindictive Susannah to a near-hysterical one. Hysteria was very wearing, but at least she could feel a little sorry for Susannah when the woman was so obviously miserable. And she knew it must be hard for Susannah, coming to this dull place after living in Auckland. Amy wondered what it would be like to go to the dinner parties or outings to the theatre that Susannah talked of occasionally, with all the women in such lovely clothes and so many different people there that even if some of them were boring there must always be someone interesting to talk to.

She found a suitable place on the hill behind the farmhouse, where a hedge would put her out of sight of the house but she would still be within earshot if Susannah wanted to call her. She sat under a tree that would shelter her from most of the sun and settled herself comfortably. Amy was soon so engrossed in her reading that she gave a small cry when Lizzie plumped down beside her.

‘Lizzie, you gave me a fright! Why didn’t you call out first?’

‘I thought you’d seen me. I should have known you’d have your nose in a book. I had to ask Madam where you were—she didn’t know, she didn’t seem very interested, either. Then I just caught sight of you when I was heading back home. What are you doing hiding up here?’

‘I’m not exactly hiding, just keeping out of the way.’

‘It’s a bit much when you can’t sit in your own house, and you’ve got to go under a tree instead.’

‘It’s worth it for a bit of peace and quiet. It’s nice out here, anyway.’

‘Yes, it’s nice today.’ Lizzie stretched her legs out in front of her. ‘But what are you going to do in winter? Sit in the cow shed?’

‘Maybe,’ Amy laughed. ‘I don’t know, maybe things’ll sort themselves out. Susannah’s in a better temper today, so Pa will be happier too.’

‘Are things pretty bad?’ Lizzie asked, searching Amy’s face. ‘Have you fallen out with Uncle Jack?’

‘Sort of. But it’s all right now. Don’t worry.’ Amy decided it would be better not to tell Lizzie about her punishment. ‘Susannah’s been pretty weepy off and on lately—did you notice anything different about her?’

‘What, you mean about her having a baby? I’ve known that for ages,’ Lizzie said in a superior way. ‘I wondered when you’d finally catch on.’

‘Oh.’ Amy said, crestfallen. ‘You might have told me.’

‘I thought I’d see how long it took you to think of it. What are you reading?’ Lizzie asked, peering over Amy’s shoulder at the open book.

‘It’s lovely, Lizzie, listen to this:

 

“In Xanadu did Kubla Khan

A stately pleasure-dome decree:

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Through caverns measureless to man

Down to a sunless sea.”

 

Isn’t that beautiful?’

Lizzie looked at her dubiously. ‘Alf? Like my brother? What sort of name is that for a river?’

‘Oh, you’re hopeless, Lizzie,’ Amy said, shutting her book. ‘It’s Alph, A-L-P-H.’

‘Where’s Xanadu, anyway?’

‘I’m not sure, it might be a made-up name. Isn’t it lovely, though?’

‘Not really,’ said Lizzie. ‘I like poems about love and things. You should read some like that, then you might grow up a bit and start thinking about your future instead of reading about rivers with stupid names.’

‘So what’s love, anyway?’ Amy asked idly. The day was warm, and she was feeling too lazy to bother being irritated by Lizzie.

‘What sort of a question is that? Love’s about people getting married and having babies. That’s what you should be thinking about.’

Amy pictured her father’s face, with the bewildered expression he so often seemed to wear now, and Susannah’s alternating smiles and floods of tears. ‘Like Pa and Susannah, you mean? I’m not sure I’m very keen on love.’

‘It’s better than being an old maid—Aunt Susannah seemed to think so, anyway.’

I wonder what she thinks about it now. ‘Do you love Frank, Lizzie?’

‘Not yet, I don’t know him well enough. But I will.’

‘What if you don’t?’

‘I just will, that’s all.’

In the face of such certainty Amy admitted defeat.

‘I’ve decided he should come to my house next,’ Lizzie said. ‘But I haven’t quite figured out how to manage it yet.’

‘Really?’ Amy affected amazement. ‘That’s not like you.’

‘I’ve started dropping a few hints to Ma,’ Lizzie went on, ignoring the interruption. ‘You know, lonely men living by themselves and all that, but it hasn’t sunk in yet. The trouble is I’d probably have to get Pa to invite him, and I don’t know if he would.’ She lapsed into silence, pondering the problem.

 

*

 

Jack came into the kitchen while Amy was helping Susannah make dinner. Amy saw his wary expression relax when he observed the two of them working together without apparent animosity. It was so good to see the relief on his face that Amy decided the self-composed Susannah was preferable, even if it meant she had to put up with being exulted over.

‘Are you feeling all right, Susannah?’ he asked. ‘Not too much for you, working in this heat?’

‘It’s a little wearing,’ Susannah said, ‘but Amy’s being quite a help today. Her manners are really much improved.’

‘That’s my girl.’ Jack gave Amy a look of such gratitude that she felt it was worth being as meek as Susannah wanted. She could put up with a lot if it meant she did not have to see that disappointment in his face again.

‘Yes,’ Susannah continued as if Amy was not in the room, ‘a few more lessons like that and she’ll turn into a nice little girl.’

‘Now, Susannah, don’t go saying that,’ said Jack. ‘Amy knows she did wrong, she won’t do it again, so there’ll be no need for anything like that again. You just forget about the whole thing.’

Amy thought Susannah looked disposed to argue the point. ‘Well,’ her stepmother said rather huffily, ‘I’m sure I hope it won’t be necessary again, but I don’t think you can train a child with one lesson.’

‘All right, I’ve heard enough about it,’ Jack said. ‘Is dinner nearly ready?’

Susannah started moving plates around in a show of industry, but Amy could see a glitter in the woman’s eyes that contrasted with her apparent composure. She wondered how long it would be before the hysterical Susannah returned.

 

*

 

As February wore on Amy kept a wary eye on Susannah’s moods, talking to her as little as possible and spending as much time as she could away from her in the garden or the dairy.

For a long time Amy couldn’t see that Susannah was looking any different. She began to wonder if she had misunderstood her father, though that would mean Lizzie was mistaken too. By the end of the month she thought Susannah was perhaps lacing a little less tightly, although there was still no discernible bulge.

‘What are you looking at?’ Susannah asked one day, watching Amy through narrowed eyes, and Amy realised she had been staring.

‘Nothing, I was just thinking about what we’d have for dinner.’

‘Doesn’t take much thinking about—it’ll be mutton again, I expect.’ Amy resisted the temptation to ask if Susannah would prefer chicken.

Susannah was wearing one of her closest-fitting dresses that day. She pulled at her skirts as though the dress was twisted uncomfortably. ‘It’s very hot in here,’ she complained.

Amy opened a window, but Susannah twitched at the bodice of her dress. ‘I think this has shrunk, it’s cutting into me. I’ll have to get another one made.’

‘I could… I mean, would you like me to let it out for you a bit?’

‘No. You’ll only ruin it, and I want to wear it again next year.’

You won’t be able to wear it again if it’s shrunk, will you?

Susannah pounced on Jack as soon as he entered the room for lunch. ‘I need some new dresses.’

‘That’s no problem,’ said Jack. ‘Come into town with me tomorrow and you can get some bits and pieces.’

‘I hope that dressmaker’s quick with her needle,’ Susannah fretted. ‘I’m sick of this dress.’ She pulled at the bodice again.

‘Can’t you make something yourself?’ Jack asked.

‘I don’t sew,’ Susannah snapped, ‘and I haven’t the time to learn now.’

‘Amy would make something for you, wouldn’t you, girl?’

‘If you want me to, Susa—Ma,’ Amy said dubiously.

‘No, I don’t want something a child runs up in the evenings,’ Susannah said. ‘Why can’t I have something nice?’

‘Well, it just seems a waste of money when Amy could do it for you, and you won’t wear it for long, anyway.’

‘I can’t wear my nice clothes any more, and you don’t want me to look nice! You want me to look like an old frump!’ Tears filled Susannah’s eyes.

‘Hey, hey, of course I don’t… don’t cry… hang it all, if it means that much to you you’d better get one made. Just one dress, mind.’

‘One’s not many,’ Susannah said, looking rebellious.

‘It’ll have to do for now. If you really need any more, get Amy to make one. That dressmaker you’re on about can only make one at a time, anyway.’

Susannah gave in, though not graciously. She went into town with Jack to order her new dress, and in another week she duly brought home a gown of soft silk—foulard, Susannah said the fabric was called—printed with tiny yellow flowers, with cream lace at the neck and cuffs and yellow ribbon bows around the hem.

Amy could see it was a little larger than Susannah’s other clothes, but she wondered how long it would be of any use. She tried to think back to how her Aunt Edie had looked two years earlier when she was carrying Ernie; she remembered Edie had seemed huge to her, and she and Lizzie had had to pretend they knew nothing about the pregnancy even when Aunt Edie was going about the house in what looked like a giant flour sack. Susannah still didn’t seem to eat very much, though, so perhaps she would not swell up as much as Edie had.

 

*

 

‘She’s getting fat,’ said Harry. He and Amy were standing together, watching Jack help Susannah out of the buggy after a trip to town. ‘It’s because she’s so lazy, lying in bed half the day.’

Amy looked at Susannah. Yes, she had definitely thickened around the middle. Amy could see that the new dress was now only just wearable; she supposed that meant Susannah would soon be confined to the house. That would probably mean her stepmother’s temper would become even more uncertain.

‘She’s still got a bony-looking face,’ Harry said, looking puzzled, ‘but she’s got a fat belly.’ His face fell suddenly. ‘Oh, hell, I hope she’s not going to have a kid. That’s just what I need, a bawling baby as well as a bawling woman. Is she going to, Amy?’

‘I’m not allowed to talk about it,’ Amy said, feeling her face go red.

‘That means she is, then. Blast her! And blast Pa for getting sucked in by her. Silly old—’

‘Stop it, Harry, I don’t like it when you talk like that.’

‘It’s true, isn’t it?’

‘It doesn’t do any good complaining about it—it just makes it worse, really. Anyway, it’s not your problem if she is going to… if there is a child coming.’

‘Huh!’ Harry said in disgust. ‘You ask Bill some time about what it’s like to have a baby crying half the night—none of them got much sleep for a while when Ernie came along.’

‘Well, there’s no point worrying about all that before we have to,’ said Amy.

Amy did not know when the baby was expected, and she was not allowed to ask, but she noticed that Susannah was putting aside all the dresses she had brought from Auckland one by one as they became too small, and Amy could see that even Susannah’s new dress was getting tighter and tighter.

At the beginning of April, Amy looked at Susannah one morning when they were making lunch together and she saw that the yellow dress was straining around the middle, with at least one button threatening to pull off.

Susannah looked up from setting the table. ‘Why are you staring at me like that?’

Amy hesitated, trying to decide the right thing to do. ‘Susannah, isn’t that dress hurting you?’ she asked abruptly.

‘Why should it be?’ Susannah turned away from her. ‘You mind your own business.’

‘Well, it’s too tight—Susannah, I’m not trying to annoy you, really I’m not, but you look so uncomfortable with the seams straining like that.’ Susannah turned back to stare at Amy. To her dismay, Amy saw that Susannah’s eyes were glittering and her knuckles were white where she gripped the plate.

But it was too late to stop now, so she ploughed on. ‘Can’t I help you? Please, Susannah. I could let that one out, or I could make you another one—or maybe you could get another one made.’

‘A sack, you mean—you all want me to wear sacks now. Even that stupid dressmaker wanted to make this dress too big. And your father won’t let me have any more dresses made.’ She ended in what was very nearly a wail.

‘Then let me make you one—you could have it in whatever material you like—it wouldn’t look horrible if I made it in nice material.’

‘Yes it would—everything looks awful on me now—you want me to look horrible!’

‘Of course I don’t, I love seeing your nice clothes, I just think you should—’

‘I don’t care what you think,’ Susannah screamed. With a sudden movement, she flung the plate.

Amy ducked too late, but Susannah’s aim was poor, and the plate smashed harmlessly on the floor. They both stared at the fragments of china, and for a moment Susannah looked horrified at what she had done. Then she turned on Amy. ‘You made me do that! You and your nasty remarks about what I look like, and what I should wear. You’re trying to drive me mad, aren’t you?’

‘No, Susannah, no! Please don’t say that—I just want to help—’

The door opened, and Jack hurried in looking anxious. ‘What was that crash? You didn’t—oh, it was only a plate.’ He looked at the remains of the plate with relief. ‘I thought you might have had a fall,’ he said to Susannah. He made to put his arm around her, but she stepped backwards out of his reach.

‘It’s her fault,’ she said, pointing at Amy. ‘She made me throw it—she’s been saying horrible things just to upset me.’

‘No I haven’t,’ Amy said, desperately hoping her father would see how irrational Susannah was being.

‘Yes you have,’ Susannah screamed at her. ‘She hates me, and she wants me to look awful so you’ll hate me too.’ Tears were streaming unchecked down her face, but she pushed Jack away when he moved to comfort her.

‘Susannah, no!’ Amy begged. ‘You know I don’t want that—I’m only trying to help you.’ She felt tears welling from her own eyes.

‘Oh, don’t you start, Amy,’ Jack groaned, and Amy wiped the tears away as best she could with the back of her hand. ‘Now, Susannah, tell me just what Amy’s done that’s upset you so much.’

‘She thinks I look horrible, and she wants me to wear a sack. You’ll have to beat her again—go on, take her away and beat her! You have to!’ She gave Jack a push, but he didn’t move.

‘What are you meant to have done, girl?’ he asked Amy.

‘I asked if I could make her a dress because that one’s too tight. That’s all I did, honestly Pa, I didn’t think it would upset her.’ She looked up at her father, pleading with her eyes for him to believe her.

‘Is that what’s annoyed you, Susannah? Amy offering to make you a dress?’

‘Yes! Yes, she keeps telling me what to do, and I won’t have it! You have to beat her so she’ll stop it!’ She pummelled at Jack’s chest.

Jack took Susannah’s hands in his, and held them firmly when she tried to pull away. ‘Susannah,’ he said slowly and deliberately, ‘I’m not going to hit my girl every time you get a fit of the vapours. Now, you just—’

‘You hate me too! You’re taking her part against me!’ Susannah screamed. Her body seemed to go rigid for a moment, then Jack let go of her hands and she collapsed into a chair. She flung her arms on the table, laid her head down on them and wept. ‘I hate it here… I wish I’d never come… I wish I’d never…’ The rest was lost in her sobs.

Jack sat down beside Susannah and put his head in his hands for a moment, then looked at his wife. ‘Amy,’ he said without turning his head away from Susannah, ‘go outside.’ Amy went as quickly as she could. Before she closed the door she heard Jack say, ‘Now calm yourself, woman, before you do yourself some harm.’

Amy stood by the gate in the hedge, wondering if she should try and find something useful to do outside. But it was nearly lunch-time, so she decided she would just have to wait until she was summoned.

John and Harry arrived a few minutes later, ready for their meal. ‘Don’t go in there,’ Amy said, putting her hand on John’s arm. ‘Pa’s talking to Susannah and he doesn’t want anyone else around.’

‘What about lunch?’ John asked.

‘You’ll just have to wait.’

‘They’re having a row, are they?’ Harry asked.

‘Not exactly. Susannah’s got in a state and Pa’s trying to settle her down, I think.’

‘Do you think he’s going to give her a hiding?’

‘Of course he’s not, Harry, don’t be stupid. No, she’s really miserable.’ She looked at the house and thought about the distraught woman at the table. ‘She’s annoyed at me again, too.’

‘What about?’

Amy sighed. ‘I don’t really know. I always seem to upset her when I say anything.’

The door opened and Jack looked out. ‘Amy,’ he called. ‘Come here, girl.’

‘I’m in trouble again,’ Amy said, trying to sound more confident than she felt as she turned to walk back up the path.

‘Do you want us to come with you?’ John asked. ‘I mean, you shouldn’t get in trouble over nothing, maybe we should talk to him.’

‘Yes, that’s right,’ Harry agreed.

Amy was touched by their support, but she shook her head. ‘I’ll be all right,’ she said, hoping it was the truth. ‘You two just wait out here a bit longer.’

She felt her heart beating faster as she entered the house and closed the door. Susannah was no longer in the room. ‘Yes, Pa?’ she said, trying to gauge her father’s mood from his expression.

‘You’d better finish getting lunch on, I—’ He stopped when he saw the look on her face. ‘Amy,’ he said, and she thought he sounded hurt, ‘why are you looking at me like that? You’re not frightened of me, are you?’

‘I just thought…’ She could not think how to finish.

‘You are frightened. Amy, listen to me.’ He put one hand on her shoulder, and with the other tilted her chin so that she was looking up into his face. ‘Didn’t you hear what I said to Susa—your ma before you went out? I’m not going to hit you just to please her. I’m not sure I should have done it that other time, either.’

He let go of Amy and sat down heavily. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with her, and I don’t know how to make her happy. She’s in a bad way—to tell you the truth, girl, I’m starting to think I didn’t do the right thing by her, bringing her here. But what can I do about it? She’s my wife now, and I’ve got to do the best I can for her—whatever that is.’ He sighed. ‘I don’t know, it’s beyond me. Your ma—your real one, I mean—was never like that.’

He looked so troubled that Amy’s heart went out to him. She put her arm around his neck. ‘Pa, I know I’m not meant to talk about this, but… well, I remember Lizzie saying Aunt Edie was sort of strange when Ernie was coming. Do you think that’s the trouble with Susannah?’ She did not add that Edie’s strangeness had consisted of being even vaguer than usual, threatening to faint once or twice, and having one fit of weeping in late pregnancy when she was worn out by the February heat.

Jack looked more hopeful. ‘Maybe you’re right—though I don’t remember your ma being that bad. Of course it’s a long time since I had a broody woman around. Well, what do you think I should do about it?’

‘Perhaps if Aunt Edie had a talk with her? She’s the most likely one to be any use.’

‘That’s a good idea!’ Jack leapt at it. ‘I’ll mention it to your uncle, he’ll get her to pop over. What would I do without you, girl?’ He squeezed her hand.

‘You’d get your own lunch, for a start,’ Amy said, pulling her hand away. She went to the door and called her brothers; seeing that they looked at her with concern, she gave them a smile and whispered as they walked into the room, ‘It’s all right’.