15

25 September

‘YOU LOOK MUCH BETTER, GILLIAN,’ SAID EVI.‘I’D HARDLY have known you.’

‘Thank you. I do feel better.’

Gillian’s hair was freshly washed, her clothes seemed cleaner. There was even a touch of make-up around those strange, silver-grey eyes. It was possible to see, this morning, the attractive girl she’d been before her life had fallen apart.

‘And you’re still getting on all right with the medication?’ Evi asked.

Gillian nodded. ‘It’s amazing, the difference it makes,’ she said. Then her face darkened. ‘I spoke to my mum about what you’d given me and she said I’d become addicted. That I’d have to take pills for the rest of my life.’

Well-meaning relatives with fixed views didn’t always help.

‘Don’t worry about that,’ said Evi, shaking her head. ‘Addiction is always a risk but it’s one we’re very careful to guard against. The medicines I’ve given you are a temporary measure. I’ll be aiming to wean you off them gradually, once we both think you can cope without them. How are you finding the AA meetings?’

Another nod. ‘They’re nice. Nice people. I haven’t had a drink in fourteen days.’

‘That’s brilliant, Gillian, well done.’

Astonishing, the difference in the girl. Four weeks ago, Gillian had barely been able to string a sentence together.

‘Can we talk about what you’ve been doing over the week,’ suggested Evi. ‘Have you been eating?’

‘I’m trying, but … it’s funny, Pete used to tease me about putting weight on. Now, I’m a size zero and his new girlfriend’s getting fatter by the week.’

Getting conscious about her body size again. Using a modelling term – size zero – and secretly proud of it.

‘Are you still in touch with Pete?’ asked Evi. The subject of Gillian’s ex-husband had come up briefly in two of their previous appointments. Both times, Gillian had been reluctant to discuss him and Evi hadn’t been able to help thinking there was a lot of suppressed anger getting in the way of her recovery. Now, just at the mention of the man’s name, Gillian’s lips had all but disappeared and a small muscle beneath her left eye was twitching.

‘Are you angry with him?’ asked Evi, when Gillian showed no sign of responding. ‘For leaving when you were grieving?’

Gillian’s eyes narrowed. ‘He was having an affair,’ she said, looking over Evi’s shoulder to the window. ‘Before the fire. He was already seeing her, the woman he’s with now.’

She’d thought there was something. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know,’ said Evi. ‘How did you find out?’

Gillian looked down at the carpet. ‘Someone told me,’ she said. ‘A friend of mine. She’d seen them in the pub together. But I knew anyway. You always know, don’t you?’

‘But you were out together, the night of the fire. Maybe it wasn’t too serious, this thing with …’

‘We weren’t out together,’ interrupted Gillian. ‘He was with her. He’d left me on my own with Hayley. Again. So I phoned Barry Robinson and asked him to babysit. Then I caught the bus into town. I was spying on my cheating husband when my baby was burning to death.’

That certainly explained a lot. No wonder the girl felt guilty. Even less wonder her husband had left. The two of them would barely have been able to look at each other without feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

‘Do you still have feelings for Pete?’ asked Evi.

‘He’s a cheating bastard,’ said Gillian. ‘My stepdad was the same. Most of them are. Out for what they can get and they don’t care who with.’

Alarm bells were ringing in Evi’s head. ‘You didn’t get on with your stepfather?’ she asked. Gillian’s stepfather had cheated? With whom?

Gillian was still looking at the floor. Her lips had tightened. She had the look of a teenager in trouble for staying out too late.

‘Do you blame Pete for Hayley’s death?’ Evi tried again, when she realized Gillian wasn’t going to talk about her stepfather. No answer. ‘Are you angry with him for maybe not grieving as much as you?’

At last Gillian looked up. ‘Hayley’s death destroyed Pete,’ she said. ‘He adored her. Afterwards, he couldn’t bring himself to look at me because I reminded him of her.’

‘Grief often breaks up marriages,’ said Evi. ‘Sometimes the pain is so intense that the only way people can move on is by making a clean break.’

‘Do you think I’ll ever meet anyone else?’ Gillian asked after a moment.

‘Do you mean a man?’ inquired Evi, surprised. ‘A boyfriend?’

‘Yes. Is it possible, do you think, to find someone that I have feelings for? Who might, you know, look after me.’

Had she met someone already? It might account for the clean hair and clothes, for the interest in the future. Someone at the AA meetings?

‘I think it’s quite likely you will,’ said Evi. ‘You’re still young and you’re very pretty. But relationships take a lot of emotional energy. We need to concentrate on getting you strong again.’

‘I’d look for someone different to Pete, next time,’ said Gillian. ‘Maybe someone older. I wouldn’t worry so much about how he looked. Just so long as he was nice.’

This girl wasn’t looking; she thought she’d already found him.

‘Nice is a good quality in a man,’ said Evi. ‘How are you finding the other people at the AA meetings?’

‘They’re OK. Is it too soon, do you think, for me to have met someone?’

‘Have you met someone?’ asked Evi.

The girl was actually blushing. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Maybe. You’d think I was mad if I told you.’

‘Why would I think you mad?’

‘Well, it’s like, he’s so not my type. He was just really nice. And then, the next day, he came to see me. He stayed for nearly two hours, just chatting. There was, like, a chemistry, do you know what I’m saying?’

Evi was starting to smile too, in spite of her reservations. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I know about chemistry.’

All the textbooks would say the girl wasn’t ready for a new relationship but, hey, sometimes you just had to go with the flow. And she knew something herself about the difference a chance meeting could make to a life. How suddenly the darkness that was a woman’s future could let in a beam of sunlight.

‘But Christ, I mean, a vicar. It’s just so not me.’

‘A what?’

‘He’s a vicar. Can you believe it? I’d have to stop swearing, for one thing. And church every week. I’m not sure I could hack it.’

Evi’s smile was starting to hurt. She allowed the muscles around her mouth to relax and concentrated on keeping her expression interested and friendly. ‘You’ve met a vicar?’ she asked.

‘I know, I know. But there was just something about him. And he’s young and he wears normal clothes and, actually, I think you might know him, I saw you …’

Gillian was gabbling on and Evi was no longer listening. Oh yes, there was something about him all right.

‘We’re going to have to stop now, Gillian,’ she said, although there were still four minutes to go on the clock. ‘I’m delighted to see how well you’re doing.’

Gillian left the room smiling. A few weeks ago her life had been in tatters. Now she was smiling. Evi picked up the phone. Was there any possible way? None that she could see. She dialled a number and thanked the God she didn’t believe in when she got Harry’s answer machine.