1
IN THOSE DAYS the station
in Janvilliers had an arched glass roof over the southbound
platform as if in imitation of the big domes at St Lazare. When it
rained, the impact of the water set up a nervy rattle as the glass
echoed and shook against the fancy restraint of its iron framework.
There was a more modest rumble emitted by the covered footbridge,
while from the gutters there came an awful martyred gurgling as
they sought out broken panes and unmended masonry down which to
spit the water that was choking them. The thin sound of the
locomotive’s wheeze as it braced itself for its final three stops
up the coast was thus barely audible to the two people who alighted
from the train that damp but not untypical Monday night.
One was the driver, who was following the custom of
years by climbing down from his cab, hat pulled over his ears, and
racing to the side-door of the station buffet where his glass of
brandy would be waiting for him. There was no time for conversation
– just a quick gulp and he was gone, as usual, scuttling back up
the platform, hoisting himself aboard with a word to the fireman
and a reinvigorated haul on the levers as the engine hissed and the
train set off to arrive, as usual, a minute and a half late at its
next stop.
The other was a slight, dark-haired girl with two
heavy suitcases, frowning into the rain and trying not to feel
frightened. She stood in the doorway of the ticket hall, hoping
someone would have been sent to fetch her. ‘Be brave, little Anne,
be brave,’ old Louvet, her guardian, would have said to her if he
had been sober, or there, or – for all Anne knew – alive. After a
time she did see the long bending approach of headlights, but the
car circled the fountains in the middle of the square and
disappeared in a spray of water.
Louvet, who thought himself a philosopher, had a
theory that all unhappiness was a version of the same feeling. As
Anne felt a tremor of abandonment, gazing over the rainy square,
she pictured him explaining to her: ‘When the good Lord made this
world from the infinite number of possibilities open to him and
selected – from another limitless pool – the kind of misery that
his creatures should be subject to, he selected only one model. The
moment of bereavement. Death, desertion, betrayal – all the same
thing. The child sent from its parents, the widow, the lover
abandoned – they all feel the same emotion which, in its most
extreme form, finds expression in a cry.’ Practice had given an
almost religious eloquence to Louvet’s blasphemous conclusion: ‘One
cannot, my dear Anne, escape the conviction that the good Lord was,
if not unimaginative, then at least rather simple.’
Anne, who was not a philosopher, saw a dripping
form, male by the look of it and wrapped in a cape, approach her
from the darkness. His voice was rough and grudging. ‘Are you the
waitress? For the Hotel du Lion d’Or?’ His face now appeared in
what light spilled over from the yellow lamp in the ticket hall. He
was a youth of about nineteen with thick black eyebrows and dark
curls stuck against his forehead under a leather cap. He had an
extinguished cigarette between his teeth and his cheeks were
traumatised by spots.
‘Yes, that’s right. Who are you?’
‘I work there. My name’s Roland. I’ve got the van.
The boss said to come and pick you up. It’s over here.’
He led the way, shambling in a mixture of
embarrassment and in an attempt to keep dry by wrapping his cape
around him, which caused his knees to come too close together. Anne
followed, struggling to keep up under the handicap of the heavy
suitcases. Roland took her round the back of the station yard and
gestured to a small van. He unlashed the canvas from the open back
and gestured to her to throw in her suitcases. With considerable
swearing and violence towards the tinny machine, he succeeded in
making it creep, then jerk, then rush across the darkened square as
he fought to locate the gears. Nervous at what might be waiting for
her, Anne began to talk.
‘What do you do at the hotel?’
‘Stuff no one else wants to do. Boots. Washing up.
Waiter on Sundays.’
‘Do you come from here?’
‘Yes. Never been away. Don’t really want to. I went
to Paris once.’
‘Did you like it?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Don’t know.’
‘I’ve come from Paris.’
Roland made no reply but pulled back the window on
his side of the van and pushed at the little windscreen-wiper. The
rubber had almost worn away on the fragile stick, and its small
motor functioned properly only in dry weather. Roland peered
forward in an attempt to see through the misty swathe that the
wiper cut intermittently across the glass. Anne couldn’t think what
to say to him; it seemed rude not to make conversation, but she
didn’t want to distract him.
‘Do you often drive this van?’
‘No. Well, yes, it’s not that I’m not used to it,
of course. I drive it just as much as anyone else. But petrol, you
know.’
‘Is the boss very mean then?’
‘No, it’s Madame. He couldn’t care
less.’
‘Madame his wife?’
‘No. Madame Bouin, the manageress. The Cow. She
thinks we should only go to the market once a week and load up. You
know, the big market down the road. The rest of the time we have to
get the stuff from here. She sends us on foot.’
‘If you only go to the big market once a week,
doesn’t the food get stale?’
Roland’s nose emitted a snort of what might have
been laughter. ‘Makes no difference to Bruno. It all tastes like
pigshit, what he does with it.’
They negotiated the perimeter of another square,
with the town hall, a curious building beneath a black slate roof
in the grand eighteenth-century manner, in one corner. They drove
on in silence down a street called the rue des Ecoles, swung
sharply left and found themselves face to face with the Hotel du
Lion d’Or.
‘I hadn’t realised it was so near. I could have
walked,’ said Anne.
‘Easily,’ Roland agreed, getting out of the van.
‘It was the old man, apparently. The Patron. Said I should come. I
was playing cards.’
‘I’m sorry, I –’
But Roland had gone, shuffling down a small alley
by the hotel and vanishing into the night. Perhaps the other card
players had waited for him, their hands concealed face down on some
kitchen table. Perhaps they had cut the pack to see who should have
the chore of picking up the wretched girl. Anne breathed in
deeply.
The hotel was secluded from the square by a
courtyard and a grey wall with a pair of rusting iron gates. Anne
heaved her cases up to the front doors through whose glass panels
she could make out a broad lobby, leading up to a staircase in the
crook of which was the concierge’s desk. She was aware of a woman
behind it watching her as the suitcases dripped gently on to the
parquet floor. She put them down on a threadbare mat in front of
the counter.
‘Mademoiselle?’ It was the woman behind the desk
who spoke, her voice not so much interrogative as menacing. Mme
Bouin, Anne supposed. Her eyes had a calm quality despite the fact
that one of them was monstrously enlarged by the thick lens of her
spectacles. Her bearing managed to combine world-weariness with a
feline state of readiness. Anne had a sense that anything she
herself might say would have been anticipated by this woman, and
nothing she could devise would please her. Presumably she behaved
in the same way with the guests.
‘I’ve come to take the waitress job.’
‘Have you now? Then why have you come through the
front door? I understood from Monsieur the Patron that you had had
previous experience of hotel work. Is this what you were told is
normal?’
The woman’s voice remained as level as her
eyes.
‘I’m sorry, I – I didn’t know the way in. The young
man who brought me, Roland, he – ’ Anne checked herself, fearing to
bring Mme Bouin’s displeasure on to Roland, who had been anxious
only to finish his game of cards.
‘Where did he go?’
‘I’m not sure. It was kind of him to come and pick
me up on a night like this.’
Mme Bouin said nothing. Instead, she took a card
from among a sheaf of papers in front of her. ‘Details. Insurance
and so on,’ she said, handing the card across the desk.
‘Do I have to do it now?’
Again the woman said nothing but swivelled on her
chair and took the handset from a telephone switchboard which she
cranked vigorously by hand. She spoke fast and indistinctly. Anne
noticed a pile of needlework on the table beneath the board from
which hung the numbered bedroom keys. She took the forms and a pen
from the desk.
Surname: Louvet. She had grown used to this lie.
The local lawyer had advised her as a child to abandon her family
name when it was appearing daily in the newspapers. Forenames: Anne
Marie Thérèse. These at least, and the date of her birth, she could
give truthfully. Her handwriting was determined and precise. By the
space for ‘Previous Place of Employment’ she put the name of a café
near the Gare Montparnasse. Next of kin: she wrote down the name of
Louvet, her assumed father, blurring with skilled certainty, though
not without a qualm, the lines of her identity.
She handed back the completed card to Mme Bouin.
‘When will I meet Monsieur the Patron?’
‘Monsieur the Patron? How should I know? He has the
hotel to run and his other duties to attend to. Monsieur the Patron
is an extremely busy man. Here now, you had better follow me.’ Mme
Bouin stood up and circled the counter. She was much taller than
Anne had expected. Her grey dress was inflated by a large bosom on
which rested a gold chain and a handful of keys; she walked with an
agile bustling movement, pulling a black cardigan about her
shoulders as she led Anne to the foot of the stairs.
‘You may use the front stairs tonight. At all other
times you will use the back stairs.’
She went ahead up the thinning carpet. Anne watched
the black-stockinged legs in their plain black shoes recede before
her, briskly mounting the main sweep of the staircase and turning
up another narrower set of stairs, then down a corridor lined with
wardrobes and out on to a landing with a bare wooden floor.
Mme Bouin indicated a further, twisting and
carpetless flight of stairs. ‘Your room is at the top. There is a
staff bathroom at the end of this passage on the left, though you
must ask in advance if you wish to take a bath. Hot water is
restricted and staff are not expected to bathe more than twice a
week. You will find a jug and bowl in your room which are adequate
for daily washing. You will be required in the kitchen at
six-thirty, tomorrow morning.’
Anne heard the rattle of keys on Mme Bouin’s bosom
as she returned the way they had come. Alone again, Anne looked
around her.
The bedroom she had been allotted was under the
eaves of the Hotel du Lion d’Or and its single window overlooked a
back yard where she could see only filmy rain tumbling into the
dark. There was an iron bedstead, a plain wooden chair, a small
writing table and a chest of drawers with, as Mme Bouin had
promised, a jug and bowl. A curtain in the corner concealed a
hanging area for clothes which contained a black uniform. Although
the room was plain and small, the rafters that slanted diagonally
from above the window gave it a secure rather than imprisoning
feeling; the agonised Christ above the bed could be moved somewhere
he would be less visibly tormented; the bed linen, though rough and
thinning, was clean; the bare floor, even if it was made only from
boards, not parquet, had been scrubbed; and above the writing table
hung a picture of a medieval knight.
Everything Anne owned was in her two suitcases. Her
favourite possession, a second-hand gramophone with a cracked but
sonorous horn attachment, she had had to sell, since it was too
heavy to carry and she didn’t think the Patron would approve of the
sound of dance music coming from a servant’s room. The records
themselves she had been unable to part with – half a dozen heavy
black plates in brown paper covers which she stowed in the bottom
drawer of the chest.
Anne had left her door a few inches ajar so anyone
on the landing below could see her light and might then be tempted
to come and talk to her. Apart from Roland, Mme Bouin and the
Patron, she had no idea who else the staff might comprise, but she
hoped there would be at least someone who would be a friend for her
– a girl of her own age, perhaps, with a big family in the town
where she would be taken at weekends. When alone, Anne constructed
fantasies of a kind in which the events were all conceivable but in
which the crucial element of luck ran well for her. She didn’t want
to live in a grand manor with cavernous rooms and wooded lands, but
in one of those simple houses behind gates where children could be
seen playing on the sandy paths and a dog padded silently across
the grass. If once she saw such a place, her fantasy was
unstoppable and she would bare its inner rooms to her scanning eye,
and reshape, recolour and repeople them until they contained what
she wanted.
With her clothes unpacked, she arranged her half
dozen books along the top of the writing table and propped her
picture – a view of Paris roofs, layered and rainswept – on the
chest of drawers. On the writing table, next to the books, she
placed a photograph of her mother, taken fifteen years before. She
wore a formal, posed expression which did not quite conceal a look
of timid puzzlement about the eyes.
The rain had stopped when Anne closed the shutters
on the small window, though from outside she could hear the water
that had gathered as it dripped from the eaves and rang on the
paved courtyard below. She pushed her door a little further open
and listened. She could hear the sound of crockery, distantly, and
of a door banging, but otherwise nothing. Most people, she guessed,
would now be in bed, so it was too late to ask Mme Bouin or anyone
else whether it was permissible for her to have a bath. She took
her dressing-gown from behind the curtain and went quietly down the
twisting staircase and along the corridor to the bathroom. She went
in and locked the door, a simple action which caused an eruption of
furtive activity backstairs.
Roland’s scabrous face was boiling with a mixture
of anguish and excitement as he bent down and took off his shoes.
He tiptoed out of the back pantry and down the corridor. He passed
a vast sink which was awash with cold water and the hotel’s feebly
crested crockery (‘Leave it for the new girl in the morning,’
Bruno, the chef, had said) and a wall full of unused culinary
implements of the more sophisticated kind – peculiar fish-kettles
and elaborate double-steamers – which Bruno regarded with robust
contempt.
The room next to the servants’ bathroom was a linen
store, and it had been Roland’s aim, planned over many months, to
steal the key from Mme Bouin’s bunch, copy it and return the
original before she should notice. Since the keys seldom left her
bosom this operation had not been without problems. The copied key
didn’t fit very well, but it did turn the lock into the little
windowless box whose slatted shelves were heated by the long pipes
that ran down the wall. Roland breathed heavily, smelling timber,
mice and mothballs, as he lifted the linen from one of the shelves,
noting how it had been stored, before he put it to one side.
High on the other side in the bathroom he had
removed a tile, and twice a week on bath-nights he had worked away
at the plaster, taking away the débris in his washbag at the end of
the operation. Once the connection was made, he had concealed the
hole in the linen closet with old bedspreads and curtains he knew
were unlikely to be required. He ended up standing on one leg on
the support of a lower shelf, craning diagonally upwards and
drawing the rogue tile through to the linen room on a piece of
string.
The reward for his hard work had been the sight of
Sophie, Anne’s predecessor, taking her twice-weekly bath. She was a
sturdy girl from Lyon and not one who had previously attracted much
attention from men, but Roland was loyal to her charms. Although
the steam sometimes made it hard for him to see as clearly as he
would have liked, he never missed an opportunity.
He had waited anxiously for his first view of
Sophie’s replacement and, when he had first glimpsed her at the
station, he had not been disappointed. Now in his hurry he pulled
the tile through with more than the usual noise. He waited for a
moment, holding his breath, listening for a sound of protest from
the bathroom. He heard nothing, and when he could wait no longer he
jammed his bursting face against the opening.
The first thing he saw was a girlish undergarment
of whose exact name or purpose he was unaware. It had lace
trimmings and hung over a wooden towel horse, irritatingly close to
his line of vision. Through the equally frustrating steam that rose
from the bath he saw the girl’s hair pulled up from her neck by a
ribbon and saw where the stray wisps hung dark against the
whiteness of her shoulders. There were perhaps some freckles there
too, but Roland’s eye scorned such detail.
She leant forward to turn on more water and he saw
the fall of her breasts, a movement of surprising weight given the
slightness of her frame. Then she raised her knee and he could make
out the line that traced the distance from calf to mid-thigh; it
ran like the outline of the fashion drawings he sometimes saw in
newspapers – just a casual sweep that seemed to hint, by
slenderness, at unforetold curves. He remembered the sturdy legs of
Sophie which, until then, had seemed quite adequate.
Anne herself had little vanity about her body,
though sometimes she felt a vague gratitude towards it for what it
had taken her through. When she looked at her ankles and feet, so
soft they seemed almost unused, or gazed in the mirror at her dark
eyes, which were unlined and full of light, she wondered where she
carried her experiences. Perhaps they lay stored in microscopic
cells in her blood, or perhaps they lay waiting to ambush her in
her mind. The body itself seemed full of health and latent energy;
the physical contrasts of girl and woman, still not quite resolved,
gave it charm.
When she stood up with her back to him, Roland
almost made the mistake of closing his eyes in ecstasy. She let the
water out of the bath and went to the wash basin where she cleared
the steam from the mirror and leaned forward, her feet apart, to
look closely at her face. She moved then with a youthful swiftness,
her body visible only momentarily as she dried it out of the line
of Roland’s questing eye.
Anne climbed the stairs after her bath, glad that
she had not been interrupted by Mme Bouin hammering on the door.
She pulled out the bolster from under the sheets and up-ended it
behind the hanging curtain. She lay down in bed and found the ache
of carrying heavy baggage, the noise of the train and the fear of
newness were all forgotten as she clutched herself tight beneath
the eiderdown, sailing out into sleep.
Frequently she dreamed, strange unpleasant dreams
relating to the events of her childhood. She never told people
about them. She had read in a magazine that it was bad manners to
tell others what you dreamed at night. Things which seemed so real
to you meant nothing to them. It was hard enough to show an
interest in the actual events of other people’s lives without being
bored by their night-time imaginings.
The trouble was that Anne’s dreams weren’t really
fantasies or exotic figurations. They were prosaic, repetitive and
based on fact. Her dream on that first night at the Lion d’Or held
all the usual elements, though with the puzzling variation that
much of it took place in an old-fashioned inn with straw on the
floor, perhaps because Anne had fantasies about rustic inns which
the Lion d’Or had not fulfilled.
The end came in what old Louvet termed the only
misery, abandonment. She ran into a field and called out some word,
some mysterious sound.
Then, that night anyway, she fell away into
calmness.