Let me say first that I am the narrator of this book and narrated on a sole effort, and there is absolutely no one else who deserves their name on the title of the book. That said, I’d like to thank the author of this Tour De Farce, Scott Douglas. His love and encouragement at such an early stage met a great deal, and he deserves all the credit for this piece. His commitment to insanity is incredible; as is his tolerance for rodents, which I became aware of during that weekend in Big Bear. I have never worked with someone who I respected so highly as both a friend and a mentor. I’ll always see you as my literary big sister.
I used to think ebooks were a little silly. Then I got a few and thought they were okay. Then I actually read one and it was the stupidest things I’ve ever scene in my life. Sure they’ll hold an entire libraries worth of books, but do you really need an entire library worth of books at the push of a button?
I’d also like to say that really there is no one else to thank because this work is mine—all mine; to think that by simply putting up with me and supporting me and loving me is worthy to say you’re a part of this book—you’re all wrong. And you’re also stupid. Which is why I’d like to thank my adoring wife and fellow narrator. You put up with me and you supported me and you loved me. This book is as much yours as it is mine. You help me craft and shape. This book had structure because you gave me structure. You knew when to help me, when to love me, and when to leave me alone and just let me narrate. For this and much more I thank you and love you and look forward to the future that we have together and the books that we will narrate together.
Most of this narration was written on a laptop; some was done on a desktop; and just a bit was done by hand. Because I learned to type before I learned to write, my writing tends to be slow, though I have heard from many narrator friends of mine that this form of writing is just as effective as typing and sometimes more so.
The Rand Corporation was incredibly helpful throughout all of my narration. They provided several silly emails, pointless surveys, and a half dozen dirty jokes—all of which I could have lived without, but am still grateful. Several times they allowed me to call them up and just talk, which was nice. They’re a great bunch of goof balls and I hope our relationship together never changes.
Wild Strawberries, The Last Time I saw Paris, Some Like it Hot, Il Postimo, Red Dawn, A Goofy Movie, and Good Will Hunting are all movies that I enjoy.
Also I am always grateful to Nick, who helped me learn how to narrate with my own voice and style. If I were ever to write a piece of literature that was even one percent as great and important as the one you narrated, then I would feel that my job—my life—as a narrator was worth it. Thank you, I miss you.
Roger, Lewis, and “Peacock” Shelly, who I was thankful for in my last book—I am no longer thankful for now. Roger, I want my towel back and you better have that stain washed out.
Several addictions kept me from finishing the narration of this book on schedule. Each in its own way taught me that we all have vices that gets in the way of the common good that each of us has been willed to take on. Each addiction has also taught me the importance of succumbing to your desires. By just giving in to my desires I have been able to accomplish so much more in both writing and my life. To all my personal vices, I thank you.
I don’t like the following websites, nor am I thankful for them, but I’m hoping if I list them they’ll put up a little advertisement for my book:
Grace at Bender Springs, or any book by this same author, (in fact her second was better) is a good book and you should read it. It received several good reviews in a couple of pretty big magazines.
There were several editors who found mistakes and did things to this book to give that very fine looking professional look to it. Sometimes I’m thankful for them. They dress funny.
Also my family has always been very kind when dealing with the fact that I am a narrator. My older brother is a doctor and my younger brothers a lawyer and my sister is married to this guy who is really rich. And then there’s me who gets paid horribly to do what I do. I told them one day that narrators only make a lot of money when they’re narrating a lot of books and I don’t plan to work very hard so I’m not going to get paid very much; and they were all okay with that. In times when I haven’t been doing so well narrating they’ve even helped me financially. They’re a wonderful group of people when they’re acting wonderfully.
I can’t think of the funniest joke I’ve ever heard over the Internet, but I have heard a lot; in fact for the longest time I wanted to edit a book with nothing but joke emails I’ve received, but then I found out somebody had already done that. I hate it when you have a great idea and find out it’s not so great after all. But I heard the book sold poorly. It would have been the first book I edited. I’ve always wanted to edit.
In the process of revising all of this, several people told me all the things I should have changed, but I didn’t listen to them, because I think they are wrong. And besides I don’t have time to revisit my narration—I have other things to narrate. I’m committed to narrating 27 legal thrillers this month alone. What can I say? I guess I have a busy life. But so goes life, and I enjoy some of it.
I went into a library during the process of narrating this book; I sat next to a man who looked like he didn’t want to be bothered. I pulled out a cell phone and said, “Larry, no—no. That’s not what I’m saying. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Larry. No. No. Listen. Larry, listen to me for one second. Larry. Larry. You’re not listening to me Larry.” over and over again until the man finally stood up and said some thing’s that I can’t put here, but it was all very inspiring and I wish I knew the guys name so I could thank him on a personal level. He was tall, pale, bony arms and legs, brown hair (kind of long but not too long), green eyes, and a little hard to understand at first—if anyone matches this description then it’s possible that this thank you is directed at you.
There are also 617 people on my Yahoo! buddy list who have all been very nice to me. I hope to publish a book soon that will list all of their screen names so they get the credit they deserve and other people can talk to them too.
Do you ever notice that acknowledgment pages have nothing to do with the book? It’s like they’re two totally separate books. I always thought it would be interesting just to have a book with no acknowledgement, and then publish a book all about people you’d like to acknowledge randomly—even though they really have nothing to do with your writing process and you could still have narrated without them. Which reminds me—I love my wife, don’t take any of this personally.
I thought about picking random names from the phone book and putting them here—just for the sake of nonsense. I’m not going to do that. I’ve decided instead to let you do it for me; go ahead open up the phonebook and pick a name, then call them up and say you just wanted to tell them how incredibly thankful you were. And then hang up. It will be fun.
And you know what else is fun? Emailing junk mail to all your friends with subjects like, “I found this article on pornographic material so good it makes gay men straight fascinating” then have in your body an article on the decline of family values. What an absolute riot! Don’t you think?
Wouldn’t it be cool if Orange County had its own basketball team?