Thirty-eight

“You never asked me why I did it, Celina.”

She finished taking her shoes from their box and gave Cyrus her complete attention. “Do you mean why you went into the priesthood? I assumed you had a calling—whatever that is. Sometimes I’ve envied you because you’ve seemed so sure of the decision you made.”

With his hands in the pockets of his black suit trousers, he braced his feet apart on the rug in Jack’s bedroom and fixed his eyes on something only he saw. “Most of the time, I’m sure. I’m always sure I’ve got a job to do for God, and most of the time I like doing it.”

“You make it sound a bit like making circuit boards.”

He continued to stare into the distance, but smiled faintly. “Not such a bad analogy. Maybe like making sure all the parts are there. For me it’s always been that faith had to be part of the equation or the whole didn’t work. But that doesn’t mean every day is easy, or that I don’t struggle with being a man.”

She looked at him curiously. Cyrus had never talked about himself this way. “It’s because of Sally, isn’t it? The shock’s making you question everything. It’s very raw, it’s bound to be.”

“What happened to her wasn’t God’s doing. You can’t believe in free will and still blame some higher being for the terrible things men do to each other.”

These were waters that threatened to rise over her head very quickly. “Did you hear they’ve got the Reeds in custody?”

He lowered his heavy lashes. “Yes. Because their car was seen parked on the street where Sally died.”

“More than that, Cyrus. Someone looking out a window saw a man leaning over something. Then he ran to a car. He was leaning over Sally. Walt Reed doesn’t deny it was him, but he insists he and his wife saw Sally fall, but nothing else.”

“Poor Sally. Maybe if she’d married someone other than Wilson she’d have had a chance.”

Celina gave him a long look. He raised his eyebrows and shook his head faintly.

Today was her wedding day. Because this was the date that had been set and the appointed hour approached, they would go ahead with the ceremony, but it felt wrong to celebrate anything with Sally Lamar lying dead. And it was even harder while Errol’s murder went unsolved.

Cyrus was beside her before Celina was aware he’d moved. “Don’t think about it anymore now. You look so beautiful. A really beautiful bride.” He kissed her brow and looked at her tummy. “I must be a most unconventional priest, but there’s something even more beautiful about the presence of the child. Innocent creature. Love him or her well—I know you will, and I believe Jack will, too. I look forward to being an uncle.”

On cue, tears blurred her vision. “I’d better do some fast talking or I’ll mess up my makeup.” She gave a watery laugh. “I’ll ask the question. Why did you become a priest, Cyrus?”

“To escape,” he said promptly, and half turned from her. His throat moved sharply. “Now I’d better talk fast—and not to save my makeup.”

She punched him playfully.

“I wish she’d asked for absolution.”

Celina inclined her head and frowned in question.

Cyrus glanced at her. “Sally. I asked her if she wanted reconciliation, but she refused. Maybe if I’d pressed a little. she’d have changed her mind. Celina, I struggle with my sexuality. I don’t mean I’m not sure of my sexuality. I...you don’t want to listen to this.”

“I want to know everything about you. And I’m honored if you want to tell me.” Her heart beat fast. There had always been a chasm between them. Cyrus’s goodness had been there, a presence she felt but didn’t dare approach or try to breach.

“When Sally Lamar came to me...Just the night before last—I can’t believe she’s dead. She was so alive. She...she wanted me to react to her. I...oh, God help me, but I wanted her. I’d wanted her that night when we were teenagers too, and… I wanted her then, but the two things were at war inside me. The desire to serve God and the desire to be fully a man with a woman. Then there was a recoiling from the world the way it is. It made me feel helpless, and desperate to feel less vulnerable.”

Celina went to her brother and took him in her arms. At first he held his body rigid, but then he embraced her convulsively, held her close, and rubbed her back. The baby chose that moment to make the strongest shift Celina had felt so far, but she doubted Cyrus would notice.

He stood quite still except for stroking her back and shoulders very slowly. “That is really somethin’,” he said. “The baby. How does that feel inside you?”

She pressed her lips together for an instant, then said, “Incredible. I love it.”

“Does it make you feel closer to God?”

For a moment she didn’t understand, then she realized that he would wonder exactly that. “Because a baby is such a miracle? No. But it is a lovely idea. Cyrus, are you trying to tell me you might be changing your mind about the priesthood?”

“No. No. I’m just trying to make you understand a little more about me. I’m not holy. I’m just a man who struggles with his humanness and sometimes wishes he didn’t have to win or quit, that’s all. Enough of that.” He put her at arms’ length and said, “This is your day. And I should be counseling you, but I don’t quite feel up to it. I’m just going to tell you to be happy, and to love a lot—love as much as you can.”

Without warning the door swung open and their mother came in. She ignored Cyrus and glared at Celina. “I can’t believe you’d even consider going ahead with this marriage. Neither can your daddy.”

“If you’d rather not be here, I understand,” Celina told Bitsy.

“You do not look good in that color. It washes you out. What is it? Bisque?”

“Mama,” Cyrus said, but Celina shook her head at him.

She gave a disinterested downward glance at the calf-length gown Dwayne had finally chosen when she’d refused to choose anything herself. “Dwayne says it’s called candlelight. And I like it.” Tier upon tier of lace dipped to points tipped by a single pearl drop. It was a spectacular thing. She would do her best to be happy wearing it while she did what she wanted to do very much: become Jack’s wife.

“We both know about it, Celina.” Bitsy, in beige shantung with matching hat, dabbed a handkerchief to the corner of each eye. “Did you think you could keep it a secret forever?”

Her pregnancy. “The only thing that surprises me is that you haven’t mentioned the baby before this afternoon.”

“Hush!” Glancing behind her, then at Cyrus, Bitsy turned very red. “How can you speak of such things aloud like that. Someone might hear.”

“It’s about time,” Celina said, slipping on her low-heeled pumps and checking her makeup and hair.

Bitsy went to the door and opened it. Neville Payne promptly came into the bedroom Celina would soon be sharing with Jack. Jack was getting dressed in the next room.

“We’ve got a car outside,” Neville said, including Cyrus in his frown. His face appeared bloated and purplish. Celina had become accustomed to thinking of him as having flecks of silver in his hair, but today there seemed many more. He waved her toward him. “You’re coming away with us right now. Whatever’s gotten into you doesn’t matter. We’re goin’ to put it behind us before it’s too late.”

Celina rarely looked at Neville and thought of him as anything but her father, her daddy, but she was suddenly and forcefully reminded that they were not related by blood. Would her real father have been so insensitive today?

“I’m going to check on Amelia,” she said. “Tilly’s getting her dressed and she’s so excited she’ll be hard to handle. Tilly may need some help.”

“Takin’ on a man like this,” Neville said. “And his child. Even thinkin’ about takin’ them on means your mind isn’t balanced. It’s because of—” He waved in the general direction of her now very obvious pregnancy. “I suppose it’s Errol’s. We never wanted you livin’ in that house. Well, don’t go through with this marriage. Not just to give a child a name.”

The words hurt. “Why ever not, Daddy?”

“Because I know you can have Wilson Lamar, that’s why. He wants you. And you owe it to us.”

Cyrus waved a hand in front of his face. “How can you suggest something like that after what’s just happened? The man’s wife just died. And this isn’t Errol’s baby. You say his name as if he weren’t dead, and as if some of us weren’t desperate to find out who killed him and see justice done.”

Celina couldn’t bear to continue this conversation. “I’m going to my wedding now. You can come, Mama—Daddy. Or you can leave. Please yourselves.”

“Celina.”

She didn’t respond to her mother or look at her father when she passed them and went into the hall. Jack was ahead of her and turned back. Behind him, hopping up and down in a frothy yellow organza dress, Amelia spread her arms and did whirligigs.

“Hi,” Jack said, coming toward Celina. “Ready to go to a wedding?”

He wore a beautifully cut tuxedo, a simple tuck-fronted white dress shirt, black tie, and cummerbund. And he made Celina’s knees weak.

His hand was outstretched, and she took it. “You surely know how to take a man’s breath away,” he told her. “You’re gorgeous.”

Side by side they went toward the parlor where Dwayne was popping in and out of the door, watching their progress.

The instant they arrived at the entrance to the room, applause broke out. Gathered beneath the silken bower Dwayne had promised, and crowded together, was a crush of familiar faces from clubs on Bourbon and shops on Royal. The burlesque cast from Les Chats had turned out in their fabulous finery.

Jean-Claude, amazing as always, played Pachelbel’s Canon on a keyboard, and the sound constricted Celina’s throat.

She took the bouquet of cream orchids Dwayne handed her, accepted his kiss on her cheek, and went forward with Jack to agree to be his wife.

When they exchanged rings she’d never seen before, and held hands, and looked into each other’s eyes to make promises she intended to keep, she prayed that God would smile on them.

They were pronounced husband and wife, and Jack leaned to whisper into her ear. “We’re strong, you and I. We will make this work.”

She nodded and said, “Thank you,” and turned to face the assembly.

Standing together, Jean-Claude and Dwayne sang “Ave Maria.” Their fine voices rose in marvelous harmony.

Celina’s tears for the beauty of the words ran unchecked.

She felt Jack’s hand on top of hers on his arm. They walked from the room and would return in a short while to mingle with the guests for a “celebration.”

When they stood in the bedroom, face-to-face but without a word to say to each other, she felt a bitter certainty that without a miracle, theirs could be a tragic alliance.

Jack studied her so very seriously and said, “I know, Celina, I know. You’re as afraid as I am. But we have more than so many couples have when they take this step. Ι love you very much. More every moment, if that’s possible.”

She nodded. “Forgive me if I’m trite, but I love you, too.”