The Dark Room

It was almost always dark in my room; there were no working lights after the third week of term. This was because Mart,  on a  visit from DRH, had broken the lightbulb. And, more importantly, the fitting. [David Russell Hall was also a shithole, but most residents believed it had the best community spirit in St. Andrews. People certainly do seem to band together in adversity.] In his defence, he was being an excitable drunk for a change, rather than a miserable one. He was celebrating Frank’s failure to break his record, for the fourth time in a row, by dancing with a five foot tall inflatable alien.

When the lightbulb shattered, we were instantly treated to the near ideal combination of darkness and strewn broken glass.

‘Oh fuck,’ Mart said, miserable again.

‘Someone fetch my shoes,’ I sighed.

‘Shit,’ Frank said, from the hotseat at the computer. He brightened almost immediately. ‘Guess I’ll have to have another go, since I’ve only got my socks on.’

We were emulating Track and Field, the arcade version from 1983, and my keyboard was taking a pounding from all the button mashing. Frank didn’t only have his socks on – he was also wearing a pair of red and blue plaid boxer shorts, and an old grey T-shirt.

‘Fuck you,’ Lance said, pulling from his Stella. ‘It’s been my go for about an hour.’

Frank kept playing. Lance didn’t care, as long as nobody took his Stella away.

‘Dude,’ Mart said. ‘I don’t think you should drink that. It might have broken glass in it.’

Even in the glow from the monitor, you could see Lance’s knuckles whiten against the side of his pub-style pint glass. [All of our pint glasses were ‘pub-style’, because they were all stolen from pubs.]

‘You… fuckers,’ he said.

‘Get the dustpan from the kitchen, would you Mart?’ Frank said, dismissively.

‘And grab a stubby for Lance,’ I added. ‘There’s still a few in the fridge.’

‘And one for me,’ Frank chanced.

‘Come on, let’s go out,’ Lance growled, impatiently. ‘Get some jars in.’

‘If I get you the kit, can you just hook him up to one of those stubbys?’ I asked Frank.

‘We haven’t covered intravenous stuff, yet,’ Frank said, cautiously.

‘Can’t hurt to be ahead of the curve this year,’ I said, meaningfully.

‘We’re going out,’ Craig announced, tugging at his shirt cuffs as he entered the room.

‘Finally,’ Lance said.

‘Watch it, Craig,’ I said. ‘There’s broken glass everywhere.’

‘Then why are the fucking lights off?’

‘That’s what’s broken,’ Lance said. ‘It went in my beer.’

‘Now it’s a light beer,’ Frank told him. ‘Drink up. Bit of broken glass never hurt anyone.’

Lance looked down at the beer. It was touch and go. I reached over and took the pint away from him; the glass came free from his hand on the third try.

‘Shouldn’t you be the responsible one?’ I asked Frank, a bit harshly. He looked at me, quizzically.

‘Why?’ he said, like I’d just asked if he wanted to fuck a Husky.

‘Because you’re a fucking doctor,’ I said. ‘Or you will be.’

‘Might be,’ Craig interjected.

‘…might be a doctor,’ I finished, corrected. ‘People are going to take you seriously!’

‘We can’t all be philosophers, Quinn.’

Mart walked in with an armful of stubby bottles, and passed them around. Lance was not placated.

‘Are we fucking going out?’ Lance asked. ‘Or are we going to sit here chinwagging all night, with beers in our hands?’

I sighed. I don’t know the significance of out. I don’t know as there’s ever been a night I’d have rather gone out with friends than stay in with them. The beer’s cheaper, the seats are comfier, the video games don’t cost a quid a go. But I’ve always been boring like that.

‘What exactly do you think is going to be different about the Vic tonight?’ I asked. ‘Because what we do there, we’re doing here, only without some cunty drunk caddy spitting in your ear and pishing down his leg.’

That incident was still fresh and it was going to stick with us.

‘There’s other reasons to be out,’ Lance said, genuinely affronted. ‘Puppies!’

I looked to Mart. It sounded like a London thing, he was close enough.

‘Boobs,’ he explained. ‘Lance wants to make it with the ladies.’

‘Lance is going to sit and drink beer and smoke fags,’ Craig said.

‘And it wouldn’t be much of a reason to go out anyway, since none of us ever score.’

‘Ella’s going out apparently,’ Craig told me. ‘Heard it from Kate.’

‘That’s different,’ I said, getting up and calmly walking out of the room.

‘He’s getting his coat,’ Frank called after me.

‘I’m taking a piss,’ I shouted back, guiltily.

I locked the bathroom door behind me and looked into the mirror. It would have to do. Shaving wasn’t an option, given the state of my razor. Not unless I wanted to look like a meth addict.

Not for Ella. Ella was special. Ella was beautiful, she was talkative – very talkative, as it happens. There were no awkward pauses with Ella, which had led me to feel almost comfortable talking with her. She had long straight auburn hair, pale skin, and an attractive and consistent smile. She had a beautiful voice. Fortunately.

Coincidentally, she also happened to have lots of other more than appealing qualities which I didn’t notice at the time because, on the face of it, Ella was another irrational crush.

‘They all start that way,’ I said to myself, rationalising. ‘It’s what you make of it that counts.’

I was making a hash of it. But it was going better than any other attempt so far. At that time of course, I had no idea that it was going to be such a significant crush, or how significant my walk of shame would eventually be. Back then, I just was hoping things would go well. Not that I expected them to, but I was damn well keeping my sheets clean.

‘I think there’s glass in your bed,’ Mart called through the door.

‘Thanks, Mart,’ I called back. ‘I’ll be sure to remember that when I get in half-cut at three in the morning.’

‘Yeah, you want to hurry up in there?’ Mart said. ‘I’ve got business to take care of.’

Mart has legendary bowels.

‘Downstairs, you stinky fucker,’ Frank shouted from his room. Mart ignored him, and bombed into the john as I left. Craig was pacing in the hallway. He was impatient – not because he was in a hurry for anything in particular, but because waiting for people burns Craig like holy water.

‘Where’s Frank?’ Craig asked.

‘Changing his shirt,’ I said.

‘Change yours?’ he asked. I shook my head.

‘It’s my lucky shirt,’ I lied. It wasn’t, of course. I’m not sure if I had a lucky shirt. Probably just all the ones I nearly died in, but didn’t.

‘No blouse tonight?’ Frank asked, emerging in a laid back stripy number.

‘I lent it to Paedo,’ I said.

‘You hear he’s going out with Vikki, now?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘He may not realise it’s a blouse.’

‘Come ooooonnnn,’ Lance said, waving his empty stubby in the doorway. It was time to go out.

‘Mart’s in the can,’ Craig said.

Unbidden, we went downstairs and waited for Mart outside. In the rain.

Ella wasn’t in the Vic, and neither was Kate. The Vic had just exactly everyone who was always in the Vic, including all of us. There were locals fighting over the pool table, and drunk mutton wandering around them in miniskirts looking for a nasty lay. We sat drinking beers, not playing track and field. Lance was happy.

‘Alright,’ I said, to total indifference. ‘Let’s go to the union after this one.’

‘What’s so different about the union?’ Lance asked. ‘We’re just going to sit around and drink beers there, only they’ll be worse beers.’

‘Damn your logic,’ I said. To be fair, the union was the only place on earth that Lance wouldn’t settle for the house lager. Union Carlsberg was 1.45 a pint, and smelled like eggy farts and chip fat.

‘Yeah, I’m happy here,’ Mart said. This was a lie. Mart was never happy after five pints. In another pint he’d start talking about how shit St. Andrews was, and two further down the line it would all get political. It wouldn’t be Saturday if he didn’t call someone a fascist.

‘This man wants a bit of Ella,’ Craig said, eventually.

I nodded, at last. Grateful not to be the one bringing it up.

‘Come on guys,’ I said. ‘She’s bound to be there, and I’m really pulling out the stops this time.’

‘He’s hardly been annoying about it at all,’ Craig said, in admirable defence.

‘Sounds like this could be the one,’ Frank said, chuckling.

‘Schlong says you should just get in there and pull her,’ Lance said. He did a hand motion, that was not an analogue to pulling someone.

‘Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and file that under controversial advice to be followed as a last resort.’

‘Fine, we’ll go to the union, just for Quinn,’ Mart said.

‘No pressure,’ Frank told me.

‘Can we at least wait until it’s busy, though?’ Mart asked.

‘Reasonable request,’ I said. ‘What’s on tonight, anyway?’

As usual, this was a stupid question to ask in St. Andrews. [By the third year, we would often ask ‘What’s on… in Dundee?’]

‘I think they’re having a Cheesy night at the Bop,’ Craig said, without much enthusiasm.

‘Great,’ Mart sighed. ‘How will we tell?’

The Bop, like most events, was in decline in our second year. In the first year, people had made an effort with the events. There had been bands and comedians that we had heard of, and they had even hosted foam parties some nights. [Mart had cracked his chin open while sliding around one night, and then there were no more foam parties.] It was an euphoric but short lived phase of our lives although, to be honest, the foam parties were pretty rank. At the height of the foaming we were looking at about a half an inch coverage of wet suds, which dissolved into a slippery mess less than thirty seconds after they turned off the foam sprayers. Luckily, we weren’t measuring fun by volume of foam.

The important thing about those days wasn’t that they were particularly good; it was that people were willing to throw themselves around in filthy wet shite until injuries took them out of the game. By our second year, everything was just a little bit more reserved, and everyone had just a little bit less enthusiasm. The Bop itself had devolved into three hours of bad music with three people dancing to it. We went every week.

‘Guys, are we really going to do the Bop again?’

‘What else?’

‘Fuck’s sake,’ Mart said. ‘St. Andrews is just so fucking lame.’

Craig caught my eye.

‘The eight-fifteen from Downersville is a little early into the station tonight,’ I said, nodding at Mart.

‘We should get him over to the union before he starts challenging authority,’ Craig agreed.

We got into the Union without too much trouble. Mart got IDed, and refused to show his student card until the bouncer had let Mart identify him. Fortunately the guy on the door was new, and thought this was a gag.

‘You’re going to have fun, here,’ Craig told him, as he let us pass.

‘We’re just a bunch of loveable jokers,’ I said, giving him a thumbs up.

‘You know what’s a joke?’ Mart asked. Craig hurried him through the door before he could finish. ‘The fucking service around here,’ Mart said triumphantly, to the foyer. I glanced back at the doorman, but he was onto the next bunch of customers.

‘Jesus,’ Craig said. ‘He’s all yours, I’m going for a slash.’

The queue for the Bop was all around the main doors, and folded back on itself till it was almost into the main bar. It’s always fucking all or nothing.

‘Better get in the queue,’ I said.

I saw Ella towards the front of the queue, and waved.  She waved back.

‘I’m going to ask her out,’ I said to Mart.

‘Go for it,’ he said.

‘Everybody knows you’re into her,’ Lance said. ‘All her friends, too.’

‘Ah, good,’ I said. No chance for a quiet, private moment of failure then. I took a deep breath. The queue was good for another half hour at least. Plenty of time to steel myself.

I think I asked Ella out three or four times, in second year. I don’t know, it didn’t seem nearly as pathetic and drippy in person. There was always a good reason to have another shot, or at least it seemed like that. Anyway, I’m a firm believer that we should measure ourselves by our progress and, as such, I consider my numerous and abject failures with Ella as amounting to a kind of success.

For example, I certainly didn’t follow her around like a drooling puppy, and I credit myself with having reached a stage of emotional development where this was an obvious decision. I was also able to conduct a conversation of any required length with Ella.

This was more down to her than to me. Ella was always happy to chat, even if I did sometimes make a fool of myself. It was a while before we got to be really good friends, I guess this kind of stuff has to be behind you before that can happen. But we were friends. It was nice.

I only remember the first and the last time she turned me down. This was the first. I walked over to her and said a few things, and she cut me down in seconds. I expected to feel horrible about it, but actually it really didn’t seem so bad.

‘I’m not really at that place in my life,’ she said.

It was a good answer, but it was not an answer to the question I had just asked. I had asked her if she knew what our friends were saying about us. Which was lame, I guess. But I wasn’t expecting a stock reply quite so soon. It was over already.

‘OK,’ I said. ‘Sure, OK.’

It kind of was OK, as well. We were still chatting, I hadn’t threatened to kill anyone yet, and I wasn’t even close to being labelled a sex pest. Then she offered me a really awful roll-up that she’d tried to make. It smoked pretty good, considering. I don’t know what we talked about after that, but it didn’t seem like the worst conversation I’d ever had. When I finished the smoke, I stood up.

‘See you later,’ I said. She smiled. I smiled back, completely despite myself.

‘How’d it go?’ Mart asked, when I got back.

‘She’s washing her hair,’ I said. ‘For the foreseeable future.’

‘Really?’ he asked.

‘No,’ I said. ‘But she might as well be.’

‘Bummer,’ Frank said.

‘I guess. She likes me, though. Not like that, but as someone to talk to. I can tell.’

‘I hate to break it to you mate,’ said Mart, ‘but I’m pretty sure that goes for everyone. She’s a real talker.’

‘OK,’ I said. ‘So I’m as good as everyone else at talking. That’s a fucking start.’

‘You’re not as good as her,’ Frank said. ‘I ran into her in Woollies the other day, and I couldn’t get away.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Lance said. ‘I tried to bum a fag off her last week. Should have just gone to Off Sales.’

‘Gonnae give up while you’re ahead this time, Quinn?’ Frank said, a note of worry in his voice.

‘Yeah,’ I said, meaning it. That was when it felt worst, right there. ‘Let’s talk about something else. Where’s Craig?’ 

‘Being more successful than you,’ Frank said. He pointed.

Craig stood a few feet away, beer in hand, chatting to Elizabethe, the girl he met in Freshers Week.

‘I think he’s in there,’ Lance said. He made another hand sign. It was a pretty good analogue for being ‘in there’.

‘He’s been standing there like that since we got our bop bands,’ Frank said.

As it happens, Craig stayed right there until closing time, stuck in the same spot, barely even shifting his weight, like some immoveable pillar at the centre of the Beer Bar. Elizabethe was not a talker. Craig was not a talker, either. It was not a conversation. It was a battle of wills that would rage for an eternity. Craig gets drawn into things, and will not let them go. He didn’t like her much, or so he always said, but he wound up seeing her on and off for the next four years. If it had been any kind of relationship it would have been the most enduring one of his life.

‘I don’t know how he does it. Why can’t I just strike it lucky, Frank?’ I said.

‘Dunno,’ he said. ‘But you’re doing it wrong. Asking a girl out shouldn’t feel like sitting a driving test.’

‘Still doing it wrong,’ I said. ‘Fuck.’

‘I let them come to me,’ Frank offered. ‘That way I know they’re bothered.’

‘Shit, Frank,’ I said. ‘I’ve been waiting two decades, I figured it couldn’t hurt to make some kind of an effort.’

‘Yeah, but you were wrong though,’ he said. ‘Hurts like a bitch.’

‘And, what? I should stop caring? That’s what you’ve got? That’s bullshit.’

He looked at Craig.

‘Well, you could try being more of a cunt.’

We didn’t speak to Craig for the rest of the night, and he disappeared with Elizabethe during the last song. Later we found out that he’d invited her out for dinner, and he summarily took her, just a few days later. He took her to the Vine Leaf, hoping to impress her. He was to be sorely disappointed.

He came home at five in the morning complaining that she’d cost him a bona fide fuckton to wine and dine and hadn’t, so far as he could tell, actually fucking noticed. Apparently she was horrendously snobby, and her parents had a house the size of New Hall. Then he announced that he had experienced a ‘most random night’, more to make us jealous than anything else, and went to bed ‘shagged out’. I didn’t feel all that jealous. Frank didn’t even look up from the game he was playing on my computer.

I don’t know why we were up at five am when he came back; I think that perhaps we just usually were.