5. Queens and witches

Hilda prepared for the trip to the small seven-person house behind the hills, that now housed eight people. Simple attire, made for traveling fast, the regular broom, and no hat. She'd dropped the hat thing for most occasions that involved flight. If the hat would stay on, it would hang at an awkward angle after landing and that was not the thing to make a smashing appearance. If the hat did not stay on, it would be a waste of another good hat, and you'd see regulars walking around with witch's hats all over the place, as they were bound to get found.

She had been called out more than one time where some ordinary had found a witch's hat, put it on and gone quite silly in the head as that person's brain could not cope with the magic that had slipped into the hat. Happenings like that were fun, most of the time, but after a while the real thrill of it had worn off for Hilda.

The trip the wicked witch had in mind was more one of reconnaissance than of real action, so her clothes looked rather plain and... ordinary. As she did not dress up like that very often, this time she did need a mirror to check herself in. "Can't be too careful when there's a chance of dealing with people who should not know who you are," she reminded herself.

The view in the mirror was highly disappointing. Hilda saw a peasant girl. Someone who could have strolled in after working a day in the field, or herding geese, or something mind-castrating like that.

"Right, that'll have to do," she guessed. Broom in hand, she went out the back door. Nobody around, if there were anyone, should see her like that. It would not be good for her image and reputation. It would also blow her cover.

"Going out and having fun again?", the house asked.

"Hush you," Hilda said, pointing a warning finger at the top floor. "You're the house, I'm the witch. Deal with it."

"Some pretty colours would make me feel like having fun," the house shared with her.

"I told you. This year."

"And I am supposed to believe that..." The house radiated dismay. The house of a witch can do that.

"Believe all you want. Just don't bug me with it."

The house did not respond. Hilda shrugged, hopped on the broom while casting an invisibility shield around her and sped upwards, setting course for the hills.

The mean queen was, by that time, grinning a wide grin. The cart was already topping the hills, and the house of the dwarfs was getting nearer by the minute now. She actually was enjoying the trip, as her behind had been shaken and pounded for so long that she didn't even feel it anymore. This was quite a feat, as her royal behind had become quite considerable during the years she had been married to the king and learnt to enjoy the good life.

The driver halted the horse and the attached cart. He turned to the mean queen and said: "I can't go further. The road's too friggin' narrow from here on, so if you want to go further you'll have to walk. It's mostly dwarf-size here, you know."

The queen descended from the cart rather unceremoniously. She was not used to public transport. The driver threw her bag of goods on the ground next to her, making a large cloud of dust jump up. The queen coughed and wheezed for a while and decided that the driver should be quartered and hanged once they got back. Or hanged and quartered afterwards, depending on her mood then. "You will wait here until I come back."

The driver, who had already been reimbursed for a trip around the entire kingdom, nodded. "Sure. Same fare?"

The queen nodded. "Same fare. Just be here." She had wanted to add a very serious threat for the potential option that he would leave but peddler women do not have that option, so she swallowed her angry words, hoisted the sack on her back and started walking.

"Oy!", the voice of the driver bounced after her. "The road to the house of the dwarfs is that way." He pointed a smudged finger.

"Oh. Right." The queen diverted her steps and then remembered something from a distant past. "Thanks."

"Sure," the man said, and spewed out a lump of his chewing tobacco.

The queen wisely ignored that and headed down the path that would lead her to the house of the dwarfs. Her choice of footwear could have been better, as the path was not very trodden down. A donkey's trail would have been smooth sailing compared to the barely visible line among the trees. The branches of the trees where the mean queen had to maneuver through tugged at her clothes, hit her face, ripped the sack from her shoulder several times and gave her reason to invent some brand new curses. This'd better be worth it, she thought to herself, but a few more steps and there was the house where the wretched little nuisance stayed. The queen scolded herself. She had to act nicely now, win Snow-White's trust and then deal with her.

"Pretty laces, pretty laces and little things," the peddler-queen yelled out as she was walking past the house. Nothing happened. "Goddammit, is she deaf or something?", the queen muttered. She turned back and yelled again. "Pretty laces, pretty laces and little things!"

Snow-White, her head inside a closet to see what the dwarfs had stored in there, had missed the first passing of the woman. She heard the second cry though and went to the window. Peeking out from behind the curtain, she smiled as she saw the old peddler-woman. Why not make the woman happy, Snow-White thought as she opened the door.

"What are you selling, old lady?", she asked.

The queen was tempted to bring out her small knife and cut Snow-White's throat right then and there, for calling her an old lady. Unfortunately the knife was on the dresser in her bedroom, so that was not an option. "Well, hello child," the mean queen said with as amiable a voice as she could bring up, with the object of her vengeance in sight. "I am selling laces and other pretty things. Let me look at you..."

Now Snow-White did not look her best, after the horror-trip through the forest. She had managed to clean herself up quite a bit, but the laces that tied up her dress had not had a proper cleaning yet.

"Oh, oh, those laces," the queen croaked, "they are so filthy. Stand still, child, and I will put a pair of new laces in for you. And I'll even give you a discount as I see you are living in these circumstances. Money's probably tight in these areas, isn't it?" As the queen babbled on, she quickly undid the laces from Snow-White's dress and put in the new ones.

"Uhm, old lady, aren't you pulling these - <gasp> - laces a bit - <gasp> - too tightly?", Snow-White asked as she sensed that the woman was giving her best to really tighten the laces.

"No worries, kiddo," the queen said as she put her knee in Snow-White's back to give the laces an extra yank.

"I don't think," Snow-White said with a squeaking voice, "they should be..." Dizziness already started to get a hold on her. She could hardly breathe, but hoped to undo the laces after the woman had left. The idea was good, the timing however lousy, because the queen finished her work quickly and by that time Snow-White had become so asphyxiated that she couldn't even take one more step. She collapsed on the threshold.

The mean queen nodded. "Good, good. Nice new laces." She bent over and checked if Snow-White was still breathing. The girl however had no possibility to do that, the laces almost cut her in two. "Good, good. Killer laces, aren't they?" With a grin and a shove of her foot she pushed Snow-White inside the house and slammed the door shut.

"Holy fuckadory," Hilda whispered, who had watched the whole thing happen. She had landed somewhere near the house, making as little sound as possible while coming down through the trees. The walk to the house had not taken long, and she was peeking through the trees to see the scene unfolding. There was a twitch in her fingers, seeing the mean queen, and as by magic - well, it was by magic - the wand appeared in Hilda's hand. It would be so easy to off that woman here and now. Just point and shoot. But that was not what Hilda had in mind. The end of that woman had to be better. Bigger. And in public.

The queen, satisfied with her snide action, laughed loudly as she slung the sack into the bushes and started her more than merry way down the microscopic trail. She missed the 'oompf' Hilda uttered as the sack hit the wicked witch full in the chest.

Hilda pushed the sack off her and scrambled to her feet. "I'm gonna get you extra for that, you bitch," she hissed, stepping out of the forest and walking to the house of the dwarfs.

The queen was already out of sight. Hilda could hear her noisily stomp among the trees as if she hadn't a care in the world. The wicked witch walked over to the door, tapped it with the wand to open it and entered. She checked Snow-White and determined that there still was time. Not much, but there was time. She left the house, closed the door and called for her broom, that came flying. At high speed she took off towards the mines where she knew the dwarfs would be working.

Hilda was in luck, she found the dwarfs very quickly as they were unstoppable in singing their song. Of course Sleepy wasn't adding much to the song as he lay on his back, in the sun, doing what he knew best. Grumpy, who was sitting outside the shaft, was in quite a rotten mood, even for his doing, so he didn't sing much either. It sounded more like rap.

"Hey, Grumps," Hilda said as she descended near him and hopped off the broom. "You need to get your rear into gear, something funny's been happening at the house."

"Hi-fucking-ho, Grimhilda," Grumpy said, "I'm in a foul mood. You should've come yesterday. I was good yesterday."

Hilda was prepared for that. She popped out the wand and whacked him over the head. "Didn't you hear what I said? There's a problem at your house. Yo, Doc, Dopey, Happy, you in there?", Hilda yelled into the mineshaft.

"Grimhilda?", Doc's voice echoed back. "I'm coming out..." Soon the dwarf, all black and dusty appeared. As he stood wiping his spectacles, he asked what was the rush.

Hilda told him, and this time the message got across. Doc banged a pot and a metal mug together to get his friends out and Sleepy awake and soon they were on their way to their house. Hilda had never heard them "hi-ho" faster.

"Fabulous," she nodded as she mounted her broom again, "seven witnesses. Well, at least six if you count out snore-face. Cool stuff." She swerved off into the air again, tracking the mean queen for a while.

In the back of the cart, the queen was gloating and feeling totally smug. This, she was certain, was the end to the battle of the pretty ones. She was now the fairest in the land again. Provided she got that gunk off her face after getting home.

The ride home to the castle did not take very long. The queen tossed the driver a handful of coins.

"Hey, we had agreed same fare," the man protested, "and this is one coin less!"

"Tough luck, but with the inflation and all that. Sorry," the queen snickered and entered the castle through the secret back door. Rapidly she took a royal bath to get cleaned up. Her stumbling through the forest had left many a green streak on her.

By the time she was all done and dolled up again, the dwarfs had reached their home, found Snow-White and cut open the laces. Snow-White, strong young woman as she was, slowly started breathing again. This was a very good thing, as none of the dwarfs had ever learnt CPR, and despite the many laws in the country, safety rules and regulations had not been invented yet.

Hilda, sitting in her home in front of the mirror, nodded with a sly smile around her lips as she saw how the dwarfs seemed to scold Snow-White, who was doing her best to keep her dress up. As the dwarfs had cut up the laces of the dress, her top had the tendency to slip down, and Snow-White did have the habit of gesturing as she talked, triggering many a curious and hopeful peek from the seven little men. Seven, because Sleepy now was wide awake also.

"Let's hope that's a lesson learnt," Hilda mumbled as she switched channels to the queen's chamber.

The queen was just getting over the shock of hearing the looking-glass tell her that Snow-White was alive and well, in the house over the hill. "What the hell is it with that wench," the queen whined, "is she a cat with nine lives or so? Well, I am going to make sure she dies, if it kills me!"