chapter 4

Procurement: The Beer and Other Geeky Goods

While it starts to seem that being a Beer Geek is all about information gathering, at some point actual beer has to be acquired and consumed. And in reality, this is (at least it should be) what really gets a Beer Geek out of bed in the morning (or perhaps what keeps one in bed . . . ).

Beer Geeks relish the hunt and chase to find those elusive beers they’ve heard so much about. And when hunting, Beer Geeks follow a whole set of strategies and guidelines that they’ve communally gathered over the years, helping them become ultra-efficient in capturing their prey.

Liquor Stores and Their Beer Guys: Types and Strengths

With all the limited-release beers to chase and vintage bottles to find, no Beer Geek should rely on just one liquor store. Different stores have different strengths, and it’s important that a Beer Geek maintain a bevy of harpoons when out hunting for whales.

First and foremost, every Beer Geek needs to have a small mom-and-pop shop that no one knows about. This is where to head when that hyped beer has been bought out everywhere else in town. Another essential is the mega-warehouse. Even though 90 percent of their airplane hangar of a building is used to store Coors Light, some definite bargains can be had here. Don’t get overwhelmed by their massive selection; instead take just a few minutes to peruse their craft beer section. And, finally, you can’t forget the high-end wine-store-turned-craft-beer-headquarters. It’s this locale where you can encounter some very obscure beers, albeit at a premium (unfortunately, Master Cicerone–certified clerks don’t come cheap).

Next, it’s absolutely essential that at each of these locales the Beer Geek befriends the Beer Guy. While the duties of this fine individual vary from place to place, some sort of beer guy exists in every single store. In the small shop, they’ll likely stock the beer, sweep the floors, and even ring you up. In the warehouse, this fellow will spend most of his time in an office combing through paperwork and organizing store events. Regardless, his crucial duty, the one that earns him the esteemed “beer guy” title, is choosing exactly which beer to order.

It is for this sole reason that the beer guy must be befriended, because after all, he holds the key to the elusive beery castle.

Want to know when that one-off double IPA is coming to town? The beer guy knows. Going to be on vacation when the latest Toppling Goliath beer is released? The beer guy can hold one for you. Curious to know if any of that shipment of vintage gueuze is still around? The beer guy may just be able to rustle up a bottle from the shadows. Not sure if it’s a freckle or melanoma? The beer guy’s cousin is the best dermatologist in town.

However, before you go buying them boxes of chocolates, be aware that not all beer guys are as solid as the next. Just because they happen to hold this position of power does not excuse them from needing to earn a Beer Geek’s devotion. So how do you determine if your beer guy is up to snuff? A good one should know everything about the local beer distribution scene, including:

• Anything and everything about every beer offering on the shelves
• New breweries arriving on the scene
• What the upcoming limited releases are
• How many cases of each offering are coming in
• How quickly a particular beer will sell

Unfortunately, it’s an incredible rarity to find a beer guy possessing all of these traits. Though craft beer is taking over a bigger and bigger slice of the pie, most beer guys’ attention often is dominated by the BMC scene. BMC still reigns as the largest (by volume) chunk of their beer selection (and sales), after all. Therefore, it is often up to the Beer Geek to mold his beer guy into an ideal form. Through a process much like training a dog, simple tasks can be ingrained via direct, positive reinforcement.

Beer Guy Training Guidelines

To mold the perfect beer guy (article coming soon to a Cosmopolitan near you), a Beer Geek first needs to know what he’s working with. Here are the three general beer guy types:

Clueless Joe

• Habitat: Strip mall liquor stores
• Likes: Jack Link’s Beef Nuggets, Mountain Dew
• Strengths: Store has lack of competition from other Beer Geeks
• Things to watch out for: Lack of craft beer knowledge; store has poor overall selection
• Training tips: Ask him to order limited-release beers and reward him by regularly buying them

This guy has worked his way up the ranks in the store. Starting off as a shelf stocker, he’s proved his worth by showing up to work most days, and relatively sober at that. Therefore he’s been awarded the task of beer ordering. Joe’s furthest venture into craft beer has been Bud Light Lime, but he understands there’s a market for fancypants beer, regardless of how weird it tastes. Joe won’t understand your obsession, but he can help fill your geekish needs if he’s around and it’s not too much work.

Wine Snob Jacques

• Habitat: Wine-centric stores
• Likes: Vintage Bordeaux, turtlenecks
• Strengths: Store carries high-end beers
• Things to watch out for: Expensive beers, craft beer ignorance
• Training tips: Tolerate misguided advice

Jacques works in a wine shop that happens to sell beer. He can readily tell you the terroir difference between a Côte de Nuits and a Ladoix Grand Cru, so knowing all there is to know about beer is a piece of cake. There are really only one or two types anyway, right? Since beer is so simple, he finds it best to use vague adjectives like rich, flavorful, and smooth to describe just about any of them. Hoppy is another good one if the letters I, P, and A appear in sequence on the label. However, with the store’s buying power behind him, Jacques can typically get most any beer you want. But be sure to use your best judgment when his own beer recommendations come into play.

John The Beer Geek

• Habitat: Beer-first bottle shops
• Likes: Whales, ultra-fresh IPAs, RateBeer.com
• Strengths: Store offers best beer selection in town
• Things to watch out for: Overspending on inventory
• Training tips: Buy his suggestions to help secure future whale allocations

On paper, John is the greatest thing since New Zealand hops. This guy knows everything about every beer they stock. He’s up on when all the releases are coming in and is even super eager to hold beers for you. Unfortunately, every time you come to the store, John’s held five additional beers that he just knows you’ll love. All of a sudden that trip to pick up a six-pack has turned into a $75 affair made up of beer you never intended to buy. Visit John only when you need that really special beer. Or, if you’re rich.

Now you’re in the home stretch.

Once the beer guy types have been determined, it’s relatively easy to find the best way to win them over.

It’s all about gentle guidance and working around their flaws to produce results.

Positive reinforcement comes mostly in the form of purchases but can also come from taking their recommendations or turning them on to things that will help their business. With Clueless Joe, for example, you’ll want to subtly refer him to a new beer on the market. When he suddenly begins selling more beer, he’ll be appreciative. In Jacques’s case, requesting his advice on a particular beer you’ve been curious about (though, of course, already know about) will help to stroke his sommelier ego. When it comes to Beer Geek John, however, it’s really just about rewarding his overall attention to the craft beer scene by making purchases.

Straight From the Brewery: Filling Growlers and the Like

Beer Geeks pride themselves on knowing when to drink a beer. Not the time of day (because the answer is always), but the age of a beer. While some beers certainly should be cellared and aged, the vast majority of beers are going to be at their peak of tastiness right when they’re released.

For the most part, brewers are the best judges of when a beer should be sent out for purchase. They’re intimately familiar with the profile changes a beer undergoes and will release it when it hits its stride. Therefore, procuring beer at the source is an attractive option when the opportunity presents itself.

Breweries with taprooms will occasionally sell bottled and canned versions of their beer, but, in general, Beer Geeks buying beer directly from the source will be doing so with a growler or some kind of similar takeaway container. These containers, which are often glass jugs, let beer drinkers enjoy draft-esque beer in the comfort of their own homes while avoiding outrageous taproom prices and minimizing interaction with the I’m-God’s-gift-to-beer-because-I-move-tap-handles-up-and-down bartender.

While Beer Geeks love the growler, they also recognize the shortcomings. Beers are extremely susceptible to oxidation, and when a growler is filled with foaming draft beer, the resulting brew almost certainly has an extra dose of oxygen and reduced carbonation. Additionally, even the geekiest Beer Geek does not clean a growler to the same standards that a brewery does its glassware. This, combined with the somewhat sketchy sanitary conditions of most tap lines, means that the beer is ripe for contamination. Therefore, a Beer Geek will typically drink a growler within a few days of filling it.

Online Beer Sales: A Last Resort

When a Beer Geek can’t find a beer in her local shops, it’s usually because the beer is ultra-rare, is outside of her distribution area, or she lives in a neglected beer locale. While beer trading (more on that later) will solve any of these problems, there is another option for solving the latter two: the online beer shop.

A bevy of websites carry large selections of craft beer. For the most part, these stores have selections similar to that of a decent bottle shop in a major city, but keep in mind that they typically won’t have limited releases or ultra-rare beers. Many beer fans get excited when they look at these websites and see that they offer beers from distant breweries like Cigar City. However, further inspection reveals that they only offer their standard six-pack beers, certainly no Hunahpu’s or Good Gourd. These sites are looking for high-volume sales, and creating a new webpage for every one-off beer that passes through is way too time-consuming.

Therefore, for Beer Geeks hunting non-rare beers that aren’t in their distribution area, the online beer store is a somewhat viable option. The “somewhat” is due to the cost of shipping: Prices vary among websites but are often based on shipping an entire box of beer (usually 12 bottles). Some stores offer “free” shipping when an entire box is ordered, but a quick investigation shows that the transport cost has simply been rolled into the price of the beer, which usually comes out to $3 to $5 a bottle. On the surface, this seems relatively reasonable, until you multiply it by an entire case’s worth of bottles.

While high-rolling Beer Geeks might not bat an eye at this expense, most will decide that their local selection of “normal” beers will suffice and reserve their shipping money for trading for whales.

Beer Trading: The Dark and Winding Path to Bankruptcy

In a Beer Geek’s relentless pursuit to try every beer produced, it quickly becomes apparent that many beers — even the majority of them — are not available close to home. And like the scent of a condor-egg omelet, such rarity becomes yet another lure.

While the online store is an option for acquiring out-of-market beers, there are simply too many other Beer Geeks gunning for the same beers. And even if a website is able to keep up with demand, that might just mean that the beer is not as good as everyone originally thought. Instead, the bulk of Beer Geeks opt to trade beer with distantly located Beer Geeks. This is typically done through the beer-related websites BeerAdvocate.com and RateBeer.com, both of which have dedicated trading forums.

In general, these forums work on the premise of a prospective trader posting a request that describes a) the beer(s) that they want, and b) the beer(s) they are willing to give up for them. On both websites these forums are called “ISO:FT,” an acronym for In Search Of:For Trade. When composing the request, the title should be written in this format.

For example, say a Vermont-based Beer Geek is looking to land a Cigar City Hunahpu. Living in Vermont, he should have easy access to Heady Topper, a well-known trade bait. The Beer Geek would begin the trade request with the title:

“ISO: Hunahpu FT: Heady Topper”

Then, in the body of the request, he would list more specific terms, such as:

“8 cans of Heady for one Huna”

Enticing tidbits or alternative trade offers are always welcome ways of fleshing out the offer:

“Just picked up yesterday from the brewery. Super fresh.”

“Can also do regular lineup beers from Hill Farmstead.”

Anyone interested in the trade then contacts the Beer Geek through the website’s private messaging function. Publicly negotiating in the thread is considered poor form (mostly for fear of trade values being publically established; beer traders are very wary of publicizing trade details).

Negotiations can last a few messages or sometimes stretch out for weeks or even months. It is not unusual for the trade to expand to include other beers once a rapport is established. After all, shipping is not cheap (a box shipped domestically starts around $12), and most traders want to make it worth their while.

In addition to the agreed-upon beers, it is customary to throw in a few more bottles as a friendly gesture. These beers are known as “extras” and are an excellent example of what Beer Geekery is all about. The difficulty lies in deciding what level of extras to include. Provide too much or too little, and you might end up with an awkward situation where one party feels they didn’t send enough. While somewhat clumsy, the fairly typical scenario is to agree to the level of extras in advance. This can be something as simple as, “two to three local beers.” It is also perfectly acceptable to agree to omit extras.

Once the terms have been established, both parties then pack up their respective boxes of beer and ship them to each other. The timeframe in which the box will be shipped is generally agreed upon in advance, and a message is sent, along with a tracking number, when it goes out. First-time traders are expected to ship their box first, with the more experienced party following suit once the tracking number has been received. A certain degree of trust is required in shipping a box of rare beer to a relative stranger, and this helps put minds at ease.

Determining Trade Value

To a new trader it may seem daunting to determine what makes a trade offer fair. The best approach is to watch the ISO:FT forum to see what offers are being put up for the beer you’re considering. While you probably won’t see the actual negotiation, people occasionally post “All set here,” or something similar, to let people know when the offer is closed (suggesting that the original offer was not unreasonable). Additionally, lopsided trade offers are usually met with . . . spirited criticism.

When it comes to framing a trade offer there are two schools of thought. Some Beer Geeks opt for the dollar-for-dollar trade, meaning the trade is based on the cost of a beer, not its rarity. This is common for beers that are not super rare but just have a limited distribution area (Heady Topper and Pliny the Elder are good examples). When going the dollar-for-dollar route, it is typical to include “$4$” in the post to attract likeminded individuals.

Dollar-for-dollar traders typically sleep very well at night and have a high opinion of themselves.

The more common type of trade is based on rarity and known as a “street value” trade. Such trades are more difficult to get a feel for because everyone will have a different opinion of a beer’s rarity and value. The best approach in this case is to put your best offer out there and see what kinds of responses come back. The worst that can happen? A torrential onslaught of online shaming for the stupidity of an uneven offer.

Shipping Methods and the Legality of Beer Trading

There are a variety of legal concerns involved in the trading of beer. Foremost would seem to be the lack of a state liquor license by either party, which is legally necessary for the transfer of beer. Some argue that since the beer is being traded, not sold, this requirement does not apply, but most would agree that’s a stretch at best. Another issue is with each state’s alcohol import laws. These laws vary widely, but most don’t allow the unlicensed movement of alcohol across state borders without proper tax and duty collection (to determine how serious your state is in this regard, check an online beer store to see if they can ship to your state). In reality, though, the issue that brings beers traders the most anxiety revolves around alcohol shipping methods.

Per the United States Postal Service, it is illegal to use their services to transport alcohol, and, depending on the state, you could be charged with a felony. Basically, no Beer Geek is going to use the USPS to ship a box of beer. The private shipping companies FedEx and UPS are more lax in the sense that it is not necessarily illegal (outside of the import law as mentioned above) to ship alcohol; it’s just against their policy. However, according to Beer Geeks who’ve been unfortunate enough to be caught (leaking boxes are the typical giveaway), the worst-case scenario is that the box will be disposed of and associated account canceled.

To avoid interaction with inquiring clerks, most people create an online account, print out the label at home, and leave the box in the out­going bin of a drop-off location (such as Kinkos).

If questioned, veteran traders say that sloshing sounds are best explained by saying that you are shipping barbeque marinades (leading FedEx employees across the country to be under the impression that there is a massive movement of marinade aficionados).

The final legal hurdle surrounds the possibility that you are sending alcohol to minors. There is no real way to verify a trading partner’s age outside of requiring an adult signature upon delivery, which would surely raise a red flag with the shipping company. Nonetheless, many reason that unless the trading request is for a keg of Keystone or a box of Boone’s Farm, a minor already in possession of beer is unlikely to want to trade it for other beer (though weirder things have happened). Either way, providing alcohol to minors is a very serious offense.

With all these legal issues in mind, one might wonder why anyone would ever trade beer. The reality is that hundreds of beer trades go down every day on an easily traceable public forum, leading one to believe that authorities may turn a blind eye to such small-scale infractions. Something like driving 56 in a 55.

Trader Feedback

Both BeerAdvocate.com and RateBeer.com have forums where you can leave feedback on your experience with a trader. Different forums work slightly differently, but each has a way to track a person’s trade history on its profile page, similar to the way eBay does. This provides some guidance when you are choosing potential trading partners.

While trader feedback forums definitely help weed out bad traders, there is always a risk of a trader turning sour and ripping off even the most veteran of traders. One such thing happened on BeerAdvocate.com a few years ago when a well-known, seasoned trader set up a series of concurrent large, high-value trades, received the beer, never shipped on his end, and then disappeared. That is, until a few months later when the beers showed up on eBay. In such cases there isn’t really any legal recourse since the whole premise is illegal; it’s just an accepted risk.

In-Person Trades and Group Trades

One way to avoid the legal and shipping hassles of beer trading is to propose an in-person trade. These trades work the same as the shipped-beer trades, as far as posting and negotiating, but the final trade occurs in person (duh). BeerAdvocate.com has a dedicated forum for in-person (IP) trades, while RateBeer.com leaves it up to the poster (“IP Trade” is typically included in the thread title). While in-person trades have their obvious benefits, they’re much less popular due to the limited pool of prospective trading partners and the fact that trading partners will typically have access only to beers that you also have access to. However, if you missed out on a local limited release, this is one of the best ways to get a bottle and a good way to meet local Beer Geeks and/or weirdos. In-person trades also work well when vacationing . . . no doubt your spouse will enjoy it.

In addition to beer trading between individuals, there are also “Beer It Forward” trades, in which a group of traders swap beer in a variety of different ways. These trades are set up on the same beer-related websites (BeerAdvocate and RateBeer) as normal ISO:FT trades. A person looking to host the group trade will post a request for participants, along with the general guidelines and trading style.

The various group trading styles are as follows:

• BIF (Beer It Forward). The group host sends a box of beer to one of the group members. That member then sends a box of beer to a different group member. This continues until everyone has received a box of beer with the host being the last to receive a box. General box expectations (styles, amounts, etc.) are determined before the BIF begins. In a shotgun-style BIF, all box recipients are assigned in advance and sent at the same time.
• GIF (Growler It Forward). The same as a BIF but with growlers instead of bottles.
• CIF (Chalice It Forward). The same as a BIF but with glassware instead of beer.
• LIF (Lottery It Forward). This style revolves around a group of traders who send or receive boxes based on the outcome of some sort of event. For example, each member is assigned an NFL team and when their team loses they have to send a box to the victor. Pity the Beer Geek who gets dealt the Jaguars.
• Charity LIF. Very different from the standard LIF; in the Charity LIF, a box of beer is offered up for lottery by an individual. Many times this is done to raise money for a charity (for example, every $10 donated to St. Judes is an entry to win a box beer). Sometimes Charity LIFs are done without donations, with a generous Beer Geek just looking to make someone’s day. This is not exactly a group trade, except in the sense that multiple Beer Geeks are vying to win the box.

The Value of Beer: Learning to Recognize (and Disregard) the $/oz. and Other Metrics

It is an unfortunate circumstance that beer costs money. Because of this, Beer Geeks must always consider a pint’s price. This is not to say that Beer Geeks are cheap, actually quite the contrary, but there are (seemingly ever-escalating) limits.

When weighing a beer’s price, one must first consider its volume. Ten years ago nearly all beer was served in 16-oz. pints or 12-oz. bottles or cans, but the rise in popularity of the 22-oz. bomber blew the doors off this standard. Bottled and canned beers now regularly come in sizes ranging from the 9-oz. nip to the 375-mL demi bottle, and all the way up to the 32-oz. oil can. And those are just bottles you can get at the store. Once bar owners realized customers would buy beers in sizes other than pints, the onslaught of 10-oz. pours began.

This variance in volume has led to the creation of the Dollar Per Ounce metric among Beer Geeks, a relatively straightforward measurement that allows you to easily compare the cost of beers in varying container sizes (similar to the unit pricing you find in the grocery store). Easy enough to crunch while sober, it’s perhaps a little tough a few beers in. However, using this metric helps a Beer Geek make sound financial decisions when choosing her beer. For example, let’s use it to make a choice among the beers shown on the chart below.

When you look at this chart, multiple things come to light. For example, if looking for a Flanders red, many will get sticker shock from the Madame Rose, but as you see here it actually comes out to a nearly identical price per ounce when compared to the seemingly more modestly priced Trinity Old Growth. Both of these beers are more than twice the unit price of Rodenbach Grand Cru, a classic Flanders red.

The chart also shows us that Mikkeller’s DIPA, 1000 IBU, is slightly more expensive per ounce than the cult favorite Cantillon Classic Gueuze (if you can find it), which might cause you to scratch your head. And you can see what a bargain six-packs are when comparing Cigar City’s beloved Jai Alai IPA to the unit cost of a bomber of Green Flash’s IPA. But Green Flash fans fear not, as this measurement also proves that the brewery’s homage to Orval, Rayon Vert, is about half the price of the Trappist original.

You don’t need a Rainman-esque math mind to come up with these numbers. Instead, simply round the ounces and dollars to the point that they are easily divisible. It just needs to be close enough that you can compare the various options. Suddenly, the seemingly impossible task of picking out a bottle at your local store becomes vastly easier. Sure, that lemur poop–infused AleSmith stout may be getting tons of hype, but $2/oz. is too crazy for most beer shoppers. The key is knowing your $/oz. limits and sticking to them when deciding to splurge on that ultra-rare gem.

Another popular metric is the Alcohol per Pour. When faced with a beer menu that has varying pour sizes, it can be tricky to determine exactly how much alcohol you’re getting from the different options. While difficult to grasp at first, this measurement cuts out the confusion by figuring how much alcohol is actually in the glass. The formula is as follows:

Alcohol Per Pour = ABV x ounces of pour

Take for example the group of beers on this chart:

Initially, many people would think that having two pours of 90 Minute Double IPA would make you more tipsy than two English pints of Bass, but as shown above, they’d be wrong (though not by much). You can also see that a pint of Bell’s Two Hearted IPA, with its sneakily high ABV, actually packs the same punch per pour as Stone’s bruising Old Guardian barleywine.

At first glance, this measurement appears to be about the quickest way to get drunk, a sort of lush statistician’s tool, but really it should be used to make educated session-drinking decisions. While some may always go for the highest alcohol/pour option, others will instead choose the opposite because they are looking to enjoy more than one beer without being overwhelmed by the effect of the alcohol.

Now, those looking to get the most “bang” for their buck will want to compare the Alcohol Per Pour outcome with the cost of the pour. The result is the SUGS (Sauced-Up Geek Statistic) rating:

SUGS = cost ÷ alcohol per pour

Using the same beer list as the previous chart, but this time including prices, the following chart gives the SUGS ratings:

The lower the SUGS, the cheaper it is to get a buzz. I’ll have a Sierra Nevada Pale, please.

You might imagine that these calculations would require a normal Beer Geek to carry a calculator into the bar or bottle shop. However, Beer Geeks do no such thing. Rather, they develop a sort of sixth sense for these metrics, subconsciously doing the calculations in their heads. This gives them one more tool in their bag full of tricks, enabling them to pick out the gems from overpriced beer menus.

Brewerania: Coasters, Signs, and Other Junk

The recluse Beer Geek is nearly a nonentity. A huge part of living the beery life is sharing experiences with like-minded individuals. So, after an especially rare beer or exceptional brewery visit, it’s natural to want to document the occasion with some sort of keepsake, like a trophy to prove the pinnacle achieved in your beer education.

Just a few years back you might have collected empty bottles or coasters to remember the event, but in today’s digital world the experience is usually documented by uploading photos to Facebook or “checking in” a beer on the mobile app UnTappd.

There remains a sect of Beer Geekery that continues to collect mementos and display them like animal heads in a safari trophy room.

Members of this group are often unmarried and have a penchant for movie-poster home décor. These Beer Geeks can be identified by their bookshelves of empty bottles, vintage beer trays, and tin brewery signs. Inevitably, large collections of bottle caps and corks can be found squirreled away in closets in preparation for a grandiose project involving epoxy and some sort of home bar that does not yet exist but which is guaranteed to be “epic.”

There is an element of Brewerania required of all Beer Geeks, however, and that is brewery apparel. At any beer-centric social function, it is expected that Beer Geeks will adorn themselves in either a hat or shirt that displays how seriously they take beer. While it may look like bragging to the outside observer, the clothing’s function is actually two-fold:

1. 1. to act as a conversational icebreaker, and
2. 2. to be a signal flare of sorts, helping real Beer Geeks, mixed in a sea of the uninitiated, home in on one another.

Beer Geek Essentials

Though excess paraphernalia is seen as gauche, the essentials (select beers, glassware, and works of literature) are, well, essential. A true Beer Geek always has the following necessities on hand.

Requisite Glassware

As previously discussed, while Glass Snobs put their efforts into always matching a beer to its brewery’s glassware, Beer Geeks instead spend their time and money on actual beer. Even so, at least four of each of these classics should be represented in your home:

• Tulip. The standard glass. Its lipped, concave shape strikes the perfect balance between aroma-heightening and drinkability.
  
• Shaker (Pint) glass. Used for rinse water during beer tastings or when drinking BMC (or similar) beers, where minimal taste experience is preferred.
  
• Weiss glass. This tall, sexy style maximizes head retention and aesthetics and facilitates high-volume swilling. Used for sessionable or warm-weather beers.
  
• Snifter. Used for high-ABV sipping beers, like vintage barleywines and Belgian quads, where the aroma is just as important as the taste.
  

Essential Cellar Stock

Any self-respecting Beer Geek recognizes that certain beers benefit from a stint in the cellar. Aging beer at one’s home signals your level of knowledge and commitment to fermented malt beverages. A standard cellar will include:

• American barleywine. Too hoppy to be worth aging for a long period of time, but six months to two years will mellow the booziness while still maintaining a lupulin bouquet. The classic choice is Sierra Nevada Bigfoot.
• English barleywine. With deep sherry notes, a cornucopia of dried fruit, and hints of Churchill’s armchair, there is not a more cellar-worthy beer. Vintage bottles of Thomas Hardy’s Ale are required, along with J. W. Lees.
• Imperial stout. As with American barleywines, aging potential is limited, but a year or two mellows the astringent roasted notes into black chocolate deliciousness. Barrel-aged versions are preferred for their greater complexity.
• Belgian quad. The barleywine of Brussels. Over time, the hot, spicy yeast notes melt into vanilla, caramel, and raisins. Like English barley-wines, the authentically sourced versions (Rochefort, Achel, De Struise) are favorites. At least one bottle of the rare Westvleteren 12 should be kept on hand and, if requested, happily opened as though it’s an everyday brew.
• Flanders red. Almost always pasteurized prior to bottling, this sour beer takes on rich oxidative (caramel, fig, sherry) notes over time. Vintage bottles are the go-to option for visiting wine snobs who insist they’re “just not into beer.”
• Gueuze. No beer cellar is complete without a strong presence of Beer Geek champagne (a case of 750-mL bottles minimum). Ages gracefully and delicately for decades.
• Bordeaux, or similar tannic-rich wine; one or two bottles. This conveys that you understand and appreciate that wine is age-worthy but that you consider beer the superior cellar stock. “Oh sure, I age wine too, but beer is just so much more complex.”

Mandatory Library

The hallmark of a Beer Geek is a deep understanding of the crafting and makeup of all things beer. A library of beer literature is required for referencing and as a display of your dedication:

• The Complete Joy of Homebrewing. Homebrewer or not, you’ll find this classic guide by Charlie Papazian delivers brewing know-how in an easy-to-understand format.
• The Oxford Companion to Beer. The ultimate beer book. Essential info on everything beer-related, written by the experts. Its hefty price tag tells everyone you’re a connoisseur.
• Tasting Beer. Randy Mosher’s classic guide to drinking beer. A Beer Geek’s life truly begins only after reading this book.
• Vintage Beer. Everything you need to know about stocking and enjoying your cellar. Written by the world’s most fascinating, and most humble, beer writer.
• Wild Brews. Provides a technical understanding of lambic beers and beyond. By Jeff Sparrow.
• Radical Brewing. Despite a disturbing amount of vintage-beer-coaster porn, this quintessential book on brewing techniques, also by Randy Mosher, covers nearly every beer style.
• Yeast. Chris White’s (of White Labs fame) masterwork on the micro-biological workhorse responsible for beer.
• LambicLand. The ultimate guide — including production, tasting, and visiting notes — to the Beer Geek’s most sought-after beer style.
• Good Beer Guide Belgium. The only guidebook needed during the ultimate beercation.

Fridge Fodder

A Beer Geek’s refrigerator has beer at the ready for any situation that may arise. A typical inventory:

• Six-pack or bomber of an IPA less than one month old
• Five-pack of BMC left by non–Beer Geek friends from your last party (offered only to stubborn BMC devotees and always as a last option)
• 750-mL bottle of vintage gueuze on deck for impromptu celebration
• Bomber of barrel-aged strong beer (barleywine, imperial stout, etc.)
• Six-pack of local, sessionable, craft ale
• Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier (or similar smoked beer) for a beery marinade
• Cheese pairings: a vintage cheddar, a funky blue, and a soft, mild goat cheese