CHAPTER 9

An hour later, Carolyn let herself into the quiet apartment. As she entered the hall, Bridgit scooted out of the bedroom to met her. She stooped to lift the cat and, stroking its ears, tucked it into the crook of her arm. The cat was rigid against her, not purring at all.

"What's the matter?" she murmured, nuzzling into the soft neck. "Did she fight with you, too?"

Still holding the cat and trying to soothe it, she wandered into the livingroom.

On the floor where she had left her, and still naked, was Angie. For just a moment she thought the girl was asleep.

Then, stepping closer, she saw that the eyes were open and staring.

"Angie, for God's sake," she said angrily. "Get up and put on some clothes."

The girl appeared not to hear her. "Angie!"

Angie, apparently, had found a new game to play.

Carolyn did not know what the girl was trying to accomplish, but she was beginning to get annoyed.

Sighing, Carolyn set the cat on the couch and squatted down beside the girl. She looked at the empty face and for the first time, realized that the girl was not beautiful at all. There was something cruel and stupid about the mouth and the eyes were much too small. She reached out and touched the girl gently on the shoulder. "Angie," she said,

"wake up."

The girl continued to stare.

Remembering her friend's addiction to sleeping pills and the several attempts at suicide, Carolyn began to panic.

She grabbed Angie's arm and shook her.

"Angie, answer me, dammit!"

"Kill me," Angie droned. "I don't care." Her voice held the echo of a tomb.

Startled, not sure of what she had heard, Carolyn stared at her. "What?"

"Kill me," the girl repeated in a deadly whisper. "I want to die."

Carolyn giggled. "Oh, that's perfect," she said. Too relieved to care how Angie might respond, she began to laugh.

"That's just perfect."

She laughed till she fell over backwards onto the rug, gasping, clutching her throat. Bridgit hung over the edge of the couch, watching her.

When she had gained control of herself, she lay on her back and glanced cautiously at the girl. Angie was sitting up, glaring at her, her fists making dents in her fleshy hips.

Carolyn felt a smile tugging at the corners of her lips but she tried hard to keep a straight face. It would be easier to deal with Angie if she did not antagonize her any further.

"Just what is so damned funny, may I ask?" Angie said, her eyebrows drawing together into a menacing line.

Carolyn couldn't resist. She leaned forward and pinched Angie's cheek. "You are, my pet," she said. "What were you supposed to be this time, Angie? Juliet on the altar of love? It wasn't half bad, except that you forgot the candles.

And the poison."

She stood up and extended her hand. "Anyway, take a bow, baby. It was a good try."

"Oh, come off it, Carol," Angie said disgustedly. "You know perfectly well I was serious."

Carolyn shook her head. "No, Angie. This time you come off it," she said. "I'm through. You should have known that when I walked out on you last night."

She turned her back on the girl and stalked off to the bedroom. She lay on the bed with her hands clasped behind her head, watching a fly walk across the ceiling. She knew she was in for a battle with Angie but this time she was ready. No matter what the girl tried now, she would be able to laugh. She wasn't sure she could have if it hadn't been for Walter. She had learned to depend on Angie almost for her very life. But that was all over now. She had Walter. He loved her and wanted to marry her. He had offered her a way to get free.

 

In less than five minutes Angie was standing at the foot of the bed. Carolyn heard her come in but did not look at her.

"Carol?" Angie said in a tiny voice.

"Hmm?"

"Did you mean it?" She sounded like she had been crying.

Carolyn ignored the quaver in Angie's voice. She knew that tears came easily to the girl. She lowered her glance to meet Angie's. "Yes," she said evenly. "I meant it, Angie. I'm through."

"You want me to leave?"

"Yes. I want you to leave."

"Now?"

Carolyn did not flinch. "Right now," she said firmly. "Pack and go."

Without another word, Angie went to the closet and dragged down the battered blue valise she had brought over with her from England. She spread it open on the floor. Then, carelessly, not bothering to fold, she began dumping shirts and underthings into it.

She went into the bathroom to dress and when she came back, carried bottles and brushes and tubes which she stuffed in along the edges.

Watching her, Carolyn frowned uneasily. She knew something must be terribly wrong. Nothing involving Angie could be this simple. She steadied herself, prepared for a sneak attack.

Angie slammed the lid down and leaned on the valise with one knee.

Carolyn rolled onto her stomach and shut her eyes. She heard Angie fumbling with the catch on the bag.

In a moment, Angie would be gone. That's all it ever took, a moment. After six months or sixty years. And then there would be nothing, as there had been before. But it had to be that way. It was best for both of them.

She heard the squeak of the handle as Angie lifted the valise.

This is it, she thought. The end. And I'm glad.

Glad? She felt numb and heavy. There was no joy in her. And in her heart she wished Angie had not been so anxious to leave.

Even as she realized it, she hated herself for the weakness. She no longer loved the, girl. Still, in a way, she needed her. She felt like a fool, after all they'd been through. And she knew that Walter would disapprove. But she could not deny that it hurt, having the girl leave this way. It was almost as though she didn't care, as though she never had. And Carolyn did not want to believe that.

Angie stood the case on its spine and approached the bed. "Well, I'm all ready," she said. Her voice lilted pleasantly, as though she were off for a happy vacation. "Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?"

"You sure were in a hell of a rush," Carolyn exploded. She rolled over to face the girl. "What's the matter, can't wait to see Jimmy?" She felt sorry for the words before they were out of her mouth. Yet she wanted to hurt Angie, still needed to get back at her. Angie had taught her about getting even and Angie should appreciate her need. But she knew that Angie would not.

Angie simply looked at her and smiled patiently. "You told me to go," she said.

"Yes, I did," Carolyn said, sitting up and looking back at Angie defiantly. "And I meant it. But I didn't realize you were in such a hurry to get away from me. Why have you bothered all this time, Angie? Why didn't you take off long ago?"

Angie shook her head sadly. "I don't know what's the matter with you, Carol," she said quietly. "I love you. You know I wouldn't be leaving now if you hadn't told me to go."

"Don't hand me that," Carolyn said. "You don't give a damn about me. You never did." She knew she must sound like a fool, yet she couldn't stop the angry words pouring out of her. She hated Angie, yet at the same time she loved her. It was always that way.

Angie smiled down at her like a tolerant parent at a grimy child.

 

"Damn it, don't look at me that way," she said. "If you loved me at all, you wouldn't be sleeping around behind my back." She watched the temper burn in Angie's cheeks and felt a tremor of satisfaction. "You don't fool me, Angie. I know all about you. And as far as I'm concerned, you're nothing but a tramp.'

"Are you any better?" Angie flared. "Just look at yourself, Carol." She gestured angrily at Carolyn. "You don't even come home in your own clothes."

Carolyn suddenly had nothing more to say. She had not taken a good look at herself, but she could imagine what a picture she must make with her Up still swollen and wearing an old shirt and pair of slacks of Walter's. She stood up and walked away from the girl. Angie stalked after her relentlessly. "At least you know what I've been doing," she said. "I haven't tried to hide it. But what do I know about you? I've never stayed out all night."

"All right, all right," Carolyn said. "You've made your point, Angie." She saw the smug smile on Angie's face. "Just go away and let me alone."

Carolyn leaned her fists on the windowsill and pressed her forehead against the glass. She felt sick of herself and of Angie, tearing at each other, wanting to hurt. Why did it always happen this way? She knew it was not love on Angie's part, perhaps not on her own. It was dependence and self-pity and—what had Walter called it? —greed. Yet giving it all its nasty names did not dispel it. She wanted Angie out of her life. She was tired of the insecurity, the shame. But something inside her still could not let the girl go. Despising herself for her weakness, Carolyn accepted the fact that she was not yet ready to live without the girl. "Angie!" She whirled from the window.

Angie was right behind her, as though she had been expecting Carolyn to turn. "I'm still here," she said. "I was waiting to say goodbye."

She could not fathom the expression on Angie's face, but she knew there was a hint of triumph. "I..." she started, then felt flustered and confused. What had she meant to say? She tried again. "I was just wondering where you’ll be staying. In case any mail comes from your family," she added quickly.

Angie sat down on the edge of the bed. "Well, you know I haven't got much choice," she said. "I've only got about twenty dollars in the bank and I don't want to have to borrow."

"You mean you're going to Jimmy," Carolyn said flatly. "Do you want to?"

"Of course not," Angie said. "I told you before I don't really care about Jimmy. The only reason I called him in the first place..."

"It doesn't matter now," Carolyn interrupted. She hesitated, almost afraid to say what she had in mind. She knew how Angie would interpret it. She wasn't even sure Angie would be wrong. "Angie..." Thoughtfully, she ran her fingers through her hair and looked away from the girl.

Finally Angie leaned forward to touch her arm. "What is it, Carol?"

Carolyn glanced at her quickly and then away. "Well, I was just going to say that you could stay here for awhile.

Just till you got a little money saved. If you can put up with a few changes."

Angie frowned. "What kind of changes?"

Nervously, Carolyn rubbed the palm of her hand against her hip bone as though both of them itched. She knew Angie would have a fit, but she had to find out sometime. If she were going to stay, it might as well be now.

"I have to tell you something," she said abruptly. "Walter asked me to marry him. I haven't given him an answer yet but I know marrying him would be the best thing in the world for me, Angie. I'm going to say yes."

Angie didn't fly into a temper as she had expected her to. She merely snorted disgustedly. "You laughed when I said you might want to marry Walter."

"Not quite," she said. "I just said it hadn't occurred to me." She smiled. "Funny, Walter admitted it hadn't occurred to him either until you came along and started monopolizing my time. It's true, we used to be together most of the time, almost like we really were married. We just never made it legal."

This time Angie smirked. "Most wives aren't virgins after they've been married ten years," she said. "Walter must be quite a man."

Carolyn could have slapped her. "Apparently you tried to find out," she said sharply.

Angie blushed, but she said nothing.

"Oh, I didn't mean that," Carolyn said quickly. "I've got no reason to yell at you. Besides, you're right. I've never been to bed with Walter." She frowned. "I don't know why, really. It just never happened, that's all."

 

"Uh huh," Angie said sarcastically. "And this is what you're going to marry?" She laughed. "That's funny, Carol, coming from you."

"There are more important things in life..." Carolyn began piously.

"Oh, Carol, please!" Angie moaned. "Don't philosophize at me."

Carolyn expelled a long breath and sat down on the bed beside the girl. There was a painful amount of truth in Angie's words. She felt her enthusiasm about marrying Walter begin to ebb. She loved him deeply as a friend. But how did she feel about him as a man?

She realized she had not thought about it. Walter had seemed so safe, so secure after Angie. She had forgotten that she had never found him attractive physically.

Maybe she could learn to love him that way. He was so right for her in every other respect. And sex wasn't the most important part of a relationship, after all. At least...

She remembered suddenly that only a few horns before she had decided that she could never go back to a life without physical gratification. Angie, even with her aversion to sex, had taught her its importance. She recalled vividly the thrill she had felt the first time Angie had kissed her. Every nerve tingled, her stomach tied in knots.

Then Angie had kissed her all over, her tongue probing, teasing, finding little oases of shock and pleasure Carolyn had never known she had. And then the ecstatic moment of completion.

It hadn't been the same for them since that first night. She supposed maybe it never was. Yet even the little they had was the thing that made all the suffering worthwhile. That and the hope of repeating the initial sensation.

It would be different with a man. Maybe better, maybe worse. Maybe just different. She had no way of judging. She thought for a moment of the man on the barge. But just for a moment. Already she realized that her decision never to let a man touch her was foolish. It wouldn't be the same with Walter, with any other man. She knew she had not been revolted just because he was a man, but simply because of the circumstances. Anyone would have been.

Still, a little part of her rebelled against the idea of being touched the way a man would touch her. She glanced at Angie and even in a glance realized that she was still much attracted to the girl. She had been since the first time she saw her and she had known even then that she had wanted her. She had never felt that way about Walter.

Maybe she never would. But she needed to be involved again, so she could forget Angie, could become herself again.

Maybe if she gave herself a chance...

Angie put her hand on Carolyn's knee and squeezed it. "I'm sorry, puss," she said quietly. "I didn't mean anything."

You know I'm just jealous."

The purring voice grated sharply across Carolyn's nerves. But she was sunk too deeply into her own thoughts to respond. She had a lot to learn about herself and her feelings, a lot to consider. She knew she had no right to marry Walter in the state she was in. Maybe, with his help, it would be all right. But she had to be sure before she made another mistake like Angie.

Oddly, at the moment she was not concerned with Angie, except as something to be expunged from her life. Yet she realized that Angie did not sense her lack of interest. She felt the girl's hand slide across her shoulders and down her back, soothing her, setting her up for the kill. Still she did not respond, feeling the caress only slightly and not aroused by it at all.

"If you're going to marry Walter, I guess you'll be going out with him a lot," Angie murmured. Her voice was hardly louder than a whisper and as soothing as her hands.

"I guess so," Carolyn said, not really paying attention. "I have a date with him tomorrow night."

Angie pulled Carolyn's shirttail out of her pants and slid her hand in under the material. Her fingers circled lightly, continuing to massage. "Well, I suppose I can put up with that," she said. "Though I won't be going out," she added piously. "I've already told Jimmy I won't be seeing him anymore."

Carolyn understood then what Angie was trying to do. She wanted none of it. If Angie were going to stay, it would have to be on Carolyn's terms. No more playing games.

"Look," she said gently, "it's no good, Angie. You know that. It's not the same with us anymore. I don't mind if you stay here, but don't expect..."

"Carol!" Angie said indignantly. "I didn't ask you for anything." She stuck out her lower Up, pouting. "You can do anything you want. I'll even sleep on the couch, if you want me to."

Carolyn stared at the girl for a moment, not really trusting her, yet caught off guard by the earnestness of her tone.

She knew better than to believe anything that Angie said, yet part of her still wanted to.

 

She lifted Angie's hand out from under her shirt, held the hand between her own palms, and peered anxiously into the girl's eyes.

"Angie," she said, "I meant it about Walter." Angie smiled. "You meant it about me, too, an hour ago," she said.

"I don't think you know what you want, Carolyn. Do you?"

"Angie..." she said desperately.

Pulling her hand out of Carolyn's grasp, Angie twisted suddenly toward her. She caught her across the ribs and pushed her down on the mattress. She leaned over her, holding her down by the arms.

Carolyn knew it was no use. She tried to break away but Angie had her pinned down.

Then Angie's lips mashed against her own. She felt the wound reopen and tears came to her eyes. Her arms went around the girl as Angie released her. Their tongues met and teased.

Angie's hand was at her belt.

"Angie, don't," she whimpered. "Please don't."

Angie opened the buckle. "I owe you this one," she whispered. "Then we'll be even."

Carolyn heard the words but they made no impression. She was aware only of the fire that raced through her at Angie's touch. That much had not changed. It was still Angie she wanted, only Angie who thrilled and could satisfy her. She made a last feeble attempt to resist, then she relaxed and offered herself to the girl.

Her body arched eagerly to meet the girl's lips, aching with the need to be fulfilled.

Angie caressed her slowly, lovingly with her lips and Carolyn felt as though she were being consumed by flames.

She caught her breath and waited.

Suddenly, Angie retreated and held herself away, not touching Carolyn's body with hers, but trailing a fingertip across Carolyn's stomach and down to her thigh.

Carolyn reached out to pull her close, but Angie stopped her hand.

"Carol," Angie murmured, "do you love me? Do you still love me?"

"Oh, Angie," Carolyn groaned. She felt an exquisite agony shiver through her.

"Do you love me?" Angie insisted.

She didn't know anymore what she felt about the girl or how sorry she might be tomorrow. But right now she needed her. Desperately.

"Yes, yes," she whispered. "I love you." Angie caressed her then, expertly and torturously slow. Craving raced through her. It circled in her belly and spread long fingers of desire downward. The center of her being began to swim.

When it was done, Carolyn lay cradled in Angie's arms, serene, content, depleted. She knew Angie had won again but she no longer cared. If they could have moments like this, nothing else mattered. Blindly, yet willingly, she entrusted her life to Angie's hands.

She put her arms around the girl and snuggled her face against Angie's belly.

"My baby," Angie crooned.

"I love you," Carolyn whispered.

Angie kissed her tenderly and rocked her in her arms. "My baby. My own darling Carol."