Chapter 23

Confessions And Heartache

"Is she not the most magnificent woman in all of Alasiri, Little Brother?” Sadaiyo drawled, eyeing his wife-to-be over the rim of his silver wine goblet.

Ashinji had to agree with part of Sadaiyo’s assessment—Lady Misune Dai was indeed magnificent, in the manner of a glacier or an ice-rimmed lake in winter. To his eyes though, her cold beauty held no allure.

The Ceremony of Welcoming had taken place earlier that evening. Misune’s parents had brought her before the members of the House of Sakehera, assembled in the small chapel reserved for private family worship, clad only in a simple white robe, her hair unbound. There, Ashinji had intoned the ritual chants that bound Misune to her new family; afterward, the bride-to-be retired to the guest quarters so that she might rest for a time before preparing herself for the feast.

“You and she will make a perfect match, Brother,” Ashinji commented dryly.

Sadaiyo either didn’t notice, or didn’t care about the subtle insult. He grinned wickedly. “One more day, and then she’ll be mine. I can barely control myself, and she’s practically across the room! Come our wedding night, I’ll ride her so hard, she’ll scream and come like she’s never done in her life! Then in the morning, I’ll tell you all about it!”

Ashinji sighed and took a pull from his glass. Sadaiyo never tired of this game, and as the evening progressed, he knew that his brother’s comments would become increasingly crude. He was thankful that their sister Lani sat well out of earshot, beside their mother.

Sadaiyo turned his attention to the older man seated to his left, a minor lord from Dai’s retinue, giving Ashinji a welcome respite. He allowed his eyes to wander over the elegant gathering. The bride now sat revealed—her veil thrown back so that all present might admire her—straight and proud between her father and older brother, Ibeji. Ibeji Dai reminded Ashinji of a young eagle—all sharp angles and glittering, amber eyes.

Brother and sister were deep in conversation. Occasionally, Misune would look up to stare boldly at Sadaiyo, as if taking his measure.

“I see you staring at her, Ashi. What would that delicious little mongrel messenger say if she knew you were lusting after another woman, eh?”

Ashinji glared at his brother, struggling to control his fury, but Sadaiyo’s smirk made it all but impossible.

“I understand your envy of me, little Brother. I will soon have a real woman in my bed, while you…” Sadaiyo’s lip curled, “you must content yourself with, um, tainted meat.”

Ashinji rose abruptly from his chair, tossed off the last of his wine, and excused himself with a muttered apology to his startled parents. Fuming, he stalked from the great hall out into the night, Sadaiyo’s mocking laughter ringing in his ears.

Ashinji walked quickly, unmindful of direction, his only thought to escape his brother’s toxic presence. He had come perilously close to losing control and had nearly smashed his fist into Sadaiyo’s face.

Eventually, his boiling anger cooled, and he found himself among the fragrant blooms of his mother’s private garden. He sat down on a wooden bench carved in the shape of two sea creatures entwined, their flukes upraised to form arm rests.

He wondered what Jelena was doing at this very moment. Was she thinking of him, longing for his embrace as much as he longed for hers? He knew that she could feel the tug of the undeniable connection between them. He could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at him. He loved her, and he felt certain that she loved him, but was love enough?

Could his desire to be with Jelena come from selfishness, considering all of the obstacles they would face? She had, by far, the most to lose. She had no family to protect her, and Lord Sen could cast her out with impunity if she became too much of an inconvenience.

No,Ashinji thought. Father would not do that, even if he thinks Jelena would be trouble for me. He’s not that kind of man.

Lord Sen did know how to take care of a problem, though. He would simply arrange to transfer Jelena’s service to another household, as far away from Kerala as possible.

Ashinji stood up from the bench, full of restless energy. He thought of going down to the barracks to see Jelena, but reluctantly dismissed the idea. No, not yet,he thought. After the wedding ceremony, he would speak to her, confess his love, and together, they could decide what to do. He spent the remainder of the evening walking the battlements, thinking about his future.

There are seven hundred and seventy seven faces of the Goddess.
All are manifestations of the One.
She has seven hundred and seventy seven names.
All are names of the One.
She who gave birth to the World.
Mother of us all.

The two priests intoned the sacred chant, their voices a steady drone. The bride and groom knelt before the altar, heads bowed, all but immobilized beneath the weight of their heavy, multi-layered wedding robes.

Ashinji knelt behind and to the left of Sadaiyo, clutching in his hand the gold bracelet that his brother would soon place on the wrist of his new wife. Ibeji knelt behind his sister, a similar bracelet in his hand. Ashinji felt hot and miserable in the close, incense-clouded chapel. He wished fervently for the entire affair to be over so that he could throw off his own stiff, heavy garments and go to Jelena. The image of her face—so beautiful and dear—bolstered his strength.

The priests anointed the heads of the bride and groom with sacred oil and intoned the chants of joining. The exchange of bracelets would come next, then the obeisance before the One, and finally, the official pronouncement. Ashinji went through the motions, only because he had to. He felt no happiness, love, or pride. He felt nothing but the desire to escape.

At last, the priests made the final pronouncement. The assembled guests rose and cheered loudly as the Heir and his new wife exited the chapel. The newlyweds headed toward the great hall; there, they would be enthroned in large, ornate chairs like two statues on display, while the guests lined up to present their wedding gifts. Only after all gifts had been received would they be released to return to separate chambers for a few hours of much needed rest before the big feast that evening.

For Ashinji, the painful ordeal had come to an end.

He returned to his chambers and stripped out of his heavy robes, leaving the exquisite garments in a colorful heap on the floor. Redressed in a plain unbleached cotton tunic, breeches and sandals, he hurried down a back staircase and out a side door into the upper yard.

A crowd of people, most richly dressed, some not so, milled about the yard, sweating beneath the late summer sun. The castle swarmed with guests. Every noble family in the district had been invited, and Lord Sen had made it known that any Kerala citizen, be they noble or common, was to be made welcome.

Ashinji avoided the crowd by ducking through the front garden and sticking close to the wall. He made it through the upper gate without being seen and jogged downhill into the lower yard. The barracks area was quiet. Most of the castle staff who weren’t directly involved in the logistics of the wedding had been given the day off so they could enjoy the festivities.

Ashinji climbed the stairs up to the second floor barracks where Jelena now lived with the unmarried female castle guards. He stuck his head into the open door and looked around. The common room stood empty.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” he called out.

Silence.

“Hello?” he repeated.

This time, a sleepy voice answered. “Lord Ashinji. I’m sorry. I was asleep and didn’t hear you the first time.” Aneko appeared in the far doorway and came out into the common room. “I was on guard duty ‘til first light,” she said, rubbing her eyes.

“I should be sorry, for disturbing your rest, Aneko. I’m looking for Jelena.”

“Jelena’s not here, my lord. She rode out this morning.”

Ashinji bit his lower lip in consternation. “Surely my father didn’t send her out with a message,” he said.

“No, I don’t think so. She said she wanted to go out to the old stone circle for a while. She should be back soon, my lord.” Aneko smiled sympathetically.

Ashinji felt himself blushing. Am I that obvious?“Aneko, please tell her…tell her that I’ll come looking for her during the feast tonight. I have something very important that I must say to her. Promise me you’ll tell her.”

“You have my promise, Lord Ashinji.”

Ashinji left Aneko to her rest and returned to his rooms, successfully avoiding any guests. Fatigued, he sought his bed, where he lay down on the soft feather mattress with a weary sigh. He knew he would not be missed for several hours. Before he dozed off, he vowed that tonight, he and Jelena would be together at last.

~~~

The wedding feast was well underway by the time Ashinji slipped into an empty chair beside Lani.

“Where have you been, Ashi? Mother was just about to send someone out to look for you,” Lani said, eyeing her brother curiously.

“I was tired, so I lay down to rest, and I overslept.”

“Will you look at them?” Lani indicated the newly married couple who occupied pride of place at the center of the table. “They can’t seem to keep their hands off each other. Why don’t they just leave right now and go get started?”

Ashinji turned to look at his sister, eyebrows raised in mild shock. “Lani!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that, big Brother. I’m not a child anymore. I’m practically old enough to be married myself soon. I do know all about sex, you realize.” Ashinji just shook his head. It seemed like only yesterday that he cradled baby Lani in his arms and laughed at her comical, infant expressions.

Sadaiyo and Misune did seem quite taken with each other already. They sat with their heads pressed together, whispering earnestly. If Ashinji had not known otherwise, he could believe that they were already lovers.

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” Lani asked. Until that moment, Ashinji had not been hungry, but Lani’s question prompted a rumbling response in his stomach.

The castle kitchen had outdone itself. Never had Ashinji seen such a display of the culinary arts presented before in Kerala’s great hall. Platters of roasted game, fish, and fowl vied for attention alongside tureens of soups and stews. Mounds of boiled vegetables, breads, cheeses, pies, and fruits rounded out the feast. Ashinji helped himself to a dish of jellied eels. A servant stepped forward to fill his wine goblet.

“Ashi, do you think Mother and Father would consider Lord Dai’s son as a prospect for me?” Lani asked thoughtfully.

“Do you like him?” Ashinji responded. “Have you even spoken to him?” He looked over to where Ibeji Dai sat beside his father, his quick, amber eyes darting around the room as if he were trying to memorize every detail.

“He’s very handsome. He did look at me and smile, a little.”

“You’re still too young, little Sister. Enjoy what’s left of your girlhood. There’ll be plenty of time to think of marriage.”

Lani rolled her eyes. “I’m old enough to wonder what it’s like,” she said.

“What what’s like?” Ashinji innocently inquired.

Lani reached over and rapped him on the forehead with her knuckles.

“What it’s like to be with a man!” she replied, rolling her eyes with exasperation. Ashinji sighed, suddenly feeling very old. Lani abruptly changed the subject. “Is it true what Sadaiyo says about you and the new messenger girl?” 

“I don’t know. What is he saying?” Ashinji kept his voice neutral.

“That you’re in love with her, but you can’t ever have her because she’s a half-breed and she’s got no family.”

“Has he said any of this to Father?” Ashinji asked, trying to remain calm.

Lani shrugged. “I don’t know,” she replied.

Ashinji pushed aside his plate and rose from his chair. “I have to go. I’ll be back in a little while.”

Lani looked startled. “You can’t leave now! Father is about to make his speech,” she exclaimed.

“I promised…I need to go.”

He hurried toward the open doors of the great hall, hugging the wall and trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, but he caught the puzzled looks on Lord and Lady Dai’s faces and the annoyed expressions on his parents’ as he slipped out into the evening air.

The upper yard had been set up as an outdoor overflow area for the feast. Those common people of the district that had come for the celebration, as well as the off-duty castle staff and their families sat at trestle tables under the stars, enjoying the magnificent repast. Ashinji found Jelena sitting at a table on the periphery, surrounded by her guard friends. He stood in the shadows for a while, content just to watch her laugh and talk. She seemed so happy. He thought his heart would burst with love.

He approached and quietly called out her name.

She turned around and their eyes met. Wordlessly, she rose to her feet and walked over to where he waited, her eyes never leaving his face.

“Walk with me,” he murmured and held out his hand. A hush fell over the table. Jelena slipped her hand into his and allowed him to lead her away from her friends into the darkness. He could hear their voices start up behind him, like the buzz of excited bees.

They walked side by side, hands clasped tightly, toward Lady Amara’s private garden, where Ashinji knew that they would not be disturbed. Having Jelena’s body so close was a torment. He wanted to sweep her up into his arms and cover her face and neck with kisses. He could sense the tense expectancy flowing from her, and it only inflamed his desire.

They reached the garden, and he led her over to the sea-creature bench and sat her down beside him. The slivered moon, ensnared in the tree branches overhead, cast very little light; nevertheless, Ashinji could see Jelena’s face with perfect clarity.

He still held her hand in his, and he squeezed it even tighter as he started to speak. “I want to tell you something,” he began. “You know that we elves have Talent…what humans call magic. My Talent manifests in dreams that tell me of things that may happen in my future. I’ve been dreaming of a girl with wild, dark hair and sad eyes…a hikui girl. The dreams started months ago, and I did not understand them until that day by the river.”

“The day you found me,” Jelena whispered.

“When I saw your face for the first time, I fell down in shock. I knew immediately that you were the girl... Jelena, in the dream, you were calling out to me to help you. You were in some kind of danger. There was a shadow...”

Jelena shivered and drew closer to him. “What think you it means?” she asked, and he could hear the fear in her voice.

“I don’t know yet, but I think it has to do with what’s inside you.”

“Inside me?” she responded.

Ashinji tugged at the service rings in his ear. How to explain without frightening her even more? “It’s hard to describe. There’s an…energy, a force of some kind inside of you, more like a part of you, really. I have no idea what it is, but the shadow seemed to know, and I think it wanted to take it from you.”

“Ashinji, you’ve seen it? It is like blue fire!” she exclaimed. “Do you think energy is part of my elf blood?”

“It didn’t feel like any manifestation of Talent, not exactly. It felt more like…like a spell of some kind…Wait, you know about this?”

Jelena nodded. “It came from before I arrived here. Blue fire from my hands. I want to learn about it. Aneko says Lady Amara can help me…I mean, will she help?”

“Yes, yes, I think she will…We can talk about that later. What I have to say now is more important.” He paused to breathe deeply before taking the plunge. “I know in my heart that I was meant to find you that day. Whatever this shadow is that threatens you, I will protect you from it. We have a connection, Jelena, one that cannot be denied.” Gently, he drew her into his arms and pressed his lips to hers.

For an instant only, she froze then melted sweetly into him. His head swam as if he had just taken a draught of strong wine. Her arms crept up around his waist, and he could feel the curve of her breasts through the thin cotton of his tunic. He embraced her more tightly, and she sighed against him, her lips as soft as rose petals. The heat of passion surged through him, and he knew that if he did not pull away now, he would be unable to stop.

Gasping for breath, he broke their embrace.

“I love you, Jelena,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” she breathed.

“Come to my chamber. Stay with me tonight.”

Jelena withdrew from him and dropped her head into her hands. “No, Ashinji. I cannot. We…cannot be,” she said in her imperfect Siri-dar.

“What do you mean?” Ashinji whispered fiercely. “We love each other, we’ve just said so! Why can’t we be together?”

Her hands fell away from her face, and he could see her cheeks were wet with tears. “Ashinji, my love, you are lord’s son. I am nobody, half-breed. I have no family. I live here because Lord Sen take pity on me, give me home and job. I think he likes me, but not enough to let me have you. He will never let us marry.” She shook her head emphatically. “I ran away from my home so I could live free, live with…honor. I will not be…less than your wife, even if you do love me.”

“I want to make you my wife, Jelena,” Ashinji stated firmly. “We’ll find a way, somehow.”

“No! I will not let you throw away everything for me. I know what family means to you. You go against father’s wishes, you lose place, position.”

“I don’t care about that. All I want is to love and protect you!” Ashinji shivered with growing desperation. He could feel her slipping away from him.

“No. One man already who I love gave up everything for me. I will not let another.” The note of finality in her voice stabbed his heart like a knife.

“Jelena, please…don’t turn away from me,” he begged, grasping her shoulders.

“I must go,” she sobbed quietly. “Let me go!”

Slowly, he released her. She jumped up and fled.

He sat very still for several heartbeats, his mind frozen in disbelief. Then, in an agony of perception, he threw his head back, face upturned to the cold, uncaring sky.

“Jelenaaa!”he cried to the moon.