Chapter 18

The Uncrossable Chasm

"Your progress is excellent, Jelena. I’m amazed at how much you’ve learned these last few weeks.”

Jelena raised her hand and, laughing, she begged, “Please, Ashinji…more speak…I mean, speak more slow!”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to slow down. But, really, you are remarkable.”

“You are…very good teacher.”

Ashinji had suggested that today they have their language lesson in the gardens below the east wing of the castle. In a shady bower, protected from the midday sun and surrounded by a riotous profusion of flowering shrubbery, he patiently tutored Jelena in Siri-dar by reciting stories from elven mythology, then quizzed her on what she’d heard. She could answer only in Siri-dar; Ashinji supplied any word she could not come up with and corrected her grammatical mistakes as they occurred.  Within the deep shade of the bower, the air felt pleasantly cool on the bare skin of Jelena’s arms and face. Like Ashinji, she wore a wraparound tunic and trousers of light cotton, hers dyed the color of the summer sky. Ashinji also wore blue, though of a darker hue, closer to peacock.

“Now, tell me what you remember about the story of the twin brothers Aje and Rei,” Ashinji gently commanded.

Jelena squirmed a little on the smooth wooden bench. Ashinji had told her that story several days ago, and she didn’t know if she could summon up all of the details. Clearing her throat, she began.

“Aje and Rei were brothers of great…rivalry. Whatever one had, so other brother must possess. Aje… had possession of …ownedmagical flying horse, called Ashoya. Rei desired Ashoya and vowed to…remove from, no, steal Ashoya from Aje. So, in deep of night, Rei entered place where Ashoya was and jumped on Ashoya and rode him away.”

“How did Rei get close enough to Ashoya? This was a magical horse, after all,” Ashinji prompted, smiling in encouragement. Jelena’s heart skipped a beat.

“Rei…himself dressed in clothes belonging to twin Aje, so Ashoya saw his master’s clothes, and thought Rei was Aje.” Jelena paused for a moment to think, then continued. “So, Rei rode Ashoya many days north to lands of the trolls…where he hid with the troll king, who was his friend…and…there was cave made of ice…and that is all I remember!” Jelena let out a whoosh of air and playfully crossed her eyes.

Ashinji burst out laughing. “That was very, very good!” he exclaimed. “You made only a few minor grammar mistakes, but all of the words were correct, and your pronunciation is getting much better. I fully expect you’ll be speaking fluent Siri-dar by midsummer.”

“With heavy Soldaran accent!”

“Well, yes, that will take time to disappear, but…” The sound of the castle’s big brass bell, signaling the hour, interrupted. “That’s enough for today. It’s time I got back.” Ashinji sighed, and his face, so cheerful and animated a moment ago, became solemn, and the light in his eyes faded.

Jelena tentatively laid a hand upon his sun-browned forearm, unsure as to how he would react. “What is wrong, Ashinji?” she asked softly. To her surprise and secret delight, he covered her hand with his.

“Jelena, there is something I must tell you,” he said, swiveling his upper body so that he faced her. “I think you know that my older brother will be married soon—in three days, to be precise. I won’t be able to spend much time with you after today, and I will very much miss your company. My brother Sadaiyo is…he’s someone you want to stay as far away from as possible. That shouldn’t be too difficult, since you are living in the barracks now. However, when you start your duties as my father’s messenger, you will have reason to be at the castle more often.”

Jelena shivered in response to the fear for her that she saw in Ashinji’s eyes.

“Promise me you’ll watch out for yourself where my brother is concerned, Jelena. Whatever you do, don’t be alone with him.” A lock of Ashinji’s honey-gold hair had fallen down across his forehead, and Jelena struggled against the urge to reach up and brush it away from his face.

She swallowed hard. The perfume of the flowers and Ashinji’s closeness together conspired to made her dizzy. “I can care for myself, Ashinji, but…I promise I will do as you say.” She didn’t tell him she had already decided to avoid Sadaiyo. “Your brother, Ashinji…What is it I must fear?” she asked.

Ashinji stood up, pulling Jelena with him. He did not answer her question, but instead, clasped her hand in his and began walking back towards the upper gate. Jelena kept pace beside him, and both remained silent until they reached the barracks.

“Remember the story of Aje and Rei, Jelena,” Ashinji said quietly. He squeezed her fingers, then turned away.

Jelena stood at the foot of the barracks stairs and watched as Ashinji walked back toward the castle. He turned around once and waved, just before disappearing through the upper gate. Jelena raised her hand and waved back, wanting very much to run after him.

She thought about Ashinji’s last words. The cautionary tale of the dueling twins served as a warning against the dangers of sibling rivalry spun out of control. Jelena knew from other comments Ashinji had made that he and his older brother did not get along. Could Ashinji’s reference to the story of Aje and Rei mean that he had feelings for her, his brother knew it, and therefore desired her for himself?

For weeks, Jelena had stubbornly refused to even entertain the idea that she and Ashinji could have any kind of relationship beyond that of friends, and at first, nothing in his behavior indicated that he did not feel the same. But lately, she had detected a subtle shift in his attitude, and she’d begun to wonder if Magnes had been right all along. The way Ashinji looked at her now seemed different. She could feel a definite heightening of tension whenever they were together, and it seemed as though he wished to be as close to her as he could without actually taking her into his arms.

The thought that Ashinji might be in love with her deeply troubled Jelena, for she had some inkling as to what the cost would be to him should he openly declare his love. He could not freely choose his own mate, and even if he could, she knew that his family would deem her completely unsuitable. A marriage between them, even if legal, would be his ruination.

After losing sight of Ashinji, Jelena turned and slowly climbed the squeaky wooden stairs up to the barracks. A raucous chorus of catcalls greeted her as she entered the common room. Aneko, and Kerala Castle’s youngest guardswoman Kami, lounged at the long oak table, the remains of a meal before them.

“I see that Lord Ashinji has escorted Jelena home again! Whatever does this mean, eh?” Kami called out in a teasing voice.

“I think it means that our new friend has definitely caught the eye of our handsome young lord,” Aneko answered. “Come sit with us Jelena. There is still some chicken left if you are hungry.” The older woman waved Jelena over and indicated that she should sit beside her, then added, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lord Ashinji so taken with a girl before…Here, have some beer.” She filled up a clay mug from the pitcher at her elbow and offered it to Jelena, then topped off her own mug.

“Ai, Goddess, but you’re lucky, Jelena,” Kami sighed. She rested her chin in her hands, her girlish face wistful. “I wish Lord Ashinji would notice me… Those eyes! I could get lost in them forever.”

Aneko snorted derisively. “Whatever happened to ‘Oh, I’m sooo in love with Gendan! He’s the only man for me!’ eh?”

Kami stuck her tongue out at her friend. “Just because I wish Lord Ashinji would notice me doesn’t mean I don’t love Gendan. I’m not married yet, you know! I’ll bet Lord Ashinji is as good in bed as he looks out of it. Jelena, you might be the only one of us lucky enough to find out.” Kami winked, her hazel eyes sparkling lasciviously, and Jelena felt her cheeks ignite with embarrassment.

“Lord Ashinji and I are friends only,” Jelena protested. “How could we ever be anything else?” She tugged self-consciously at a stray coil of hair.

“Don’t say that, Jelena,” Kami responded sadly.

“The girl’s right, you know.” A new voice spoke from the doorway. “She and our lord’s son shouldn’t even be friends, really. It’s not proper, her being a hikui and all.”

All three women looked toward the door as the speaker entered the room.

“Why do you have to be that way, Anda?” Kami retorted angrily.

“I don’t know what you mean, Kami,” Anda replied primly. “I’m just saying that Lord Ashinji should know better than to go all starry-eyed over a hikui.”

Anda served as a guardswoman, like Aneko and Kami. The bed that Jelena now slept in had once been hers until she had married a fellow guardsman and had moved out of the barracks. She and her husband had a small cottage of their own now on the castle grounds nearby, but Anda still came around often to visit her comrades.

“Lord Ashinji is wise enough to listen to his own heart,” Aneko said quietly, pouring a mug of beer for the newcomer.

Anda lowered herself carefully down on the bench beside Kami and sighed gratefully. “Goddess’ tits, but it feels good to sit,” she said, rubbing her swollen belly. The young guardswoman, in the final weeks of her first pregnancy, wore a haggard expression, clearly approaching the limits of her endurance. “Ooh, I’ll be glad when this baby is out of me! If it wasn’t so much fun making them, I’d never have another,” she groaned, running a hand through her close-cropped, chestnut hair.

“It shouldn’t matter that Jelena is a hikui, Anda,” Kami insisted hotly.

“Of course it should! Lord Ashinji is okui. He’s high-born and pure and should be with his own kind.” Anda reached for a chicken leg. “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings, Jelena,” she said around a mouthful of meat. “But you, of all people, should know I’m right.”

“Awwwrrr!” Kami cried in frustration and pounded her fists on the tabletop. She opened her mouth as if to scream again, but Jelena interrupted.

“Please, Kami, no. Anda is right,” she said, a catch in her voice. “I know I am not suitable girl for Lord Ashinji. Please do not argue over this.”

“I am sorry, Jelena,” Anda repeated, then after a short pause, said, “Several hikui families live in the district, you know. There must be some eligible sons among them. I’m certain if you let it be known that you are looking, Lord Sen could arrange something for you.”

Jelena realized that Anda believed her suggestion to be helpful; still, the surge of anger that swept through her caught her by surprise and left a painful knot in her gut in its wake.

“I will not be looking any time soon,” she replied.

An uncomfortable silence descended on the room. Anda finished off her chicken leg and started in on a scrap of wing. Aneko sipped at her beer, her expression unreadable. Kami sniffed loudly and traced circles on the tabletop with a forefinger, chin still firmly planted in hand.

Jelena stared at her tightly clenched fists without seeing them, her mind lost in a haze of despondency.  A painful cramp in her fingers brought her back to herself, and slowly, she forced her hands to relax.

Kami finally broke the silence with a change of subject. “Lord Sadaiyo’s bride is to arrive tomorrow. I’ve heard that she is a real breaker of both horses and men,” she said, smirking.

“Lady Misune is a fine warrior, Kami, and will be mistress of us all one day. You’d do well to remember that,” Aneko chided. Oftimes, Jelena noticed, Aneko played the role of disciplinarian, reining in Kami’s youthful impudence.

“I’m only saying it because I admire her,” Kami sulked. “I wish that I had such things said about me!”

“Your problem, my girl, is that you’re always wanting things you can’t have,” Aneko retorted.

“Ai! You are worse than my grandmother!” Kami shot back.

“Tell me about Lady Misune,” Jelena asked, hoping that a bit of gossip would lighten her mood.

“She is the oldest daughter of Lord Dai of Manza,” Aneko began. “Manza’s the district just to the north of Kerala, beyond the Great Forest. She is supposed to be both beautiful and intelligent, which is why, no doubt, Lord and Lady Sakehera chose her for the Heir. We’ll all know soon enough what she’s like.”

“She’d better be very tolerant,” Anda said. “It’s no secret that Lord Sadaiyo has a roving eye.”

“From what I’ve heard, I don’t think Lord Sadaiyo would dare to stray,” Kami chimed in with a mischievous grin. 

“Well, I should be getting back,” Anda announced. “That husband of mine will be home soon and wondering where I’ve gotten myself to. He’s been as nervous as a broody hen through this entire pregnancy!” She rose ponderously to her feet, belly in the lead.

“Good husbands should be, especially with the first one,” Kami commented. “I’ll be glad when you’re back on duty. I’m tired of working double shifts.”

Anda laughed. “I’ll remember your words when you’re knocked up with Gendan’s brat and I’m covering for you! G’bye, all.”

After Anda had departed, Kami and Aneko cleared away the remains of the meal, leaving the jug of beer and three mugs behind. When Jelena offered to assist, they politely refused.

“You’re still not completely healed, yet. Lord Ashinji ordered us to make sure that you rest,” Kami explained.

“I am sick of resting!” Jelena grumbled in annoyance. She felt perfectly fine and ready to start her duties as Lord Sakehera’s messenger. To prove it, tomorrow she would go down to the stables and select a mount. When Ashinji saw that she was well enough to ride, he would have to give in and let her work.

The guardswomen rejoined Jelena at the table and Aneko poured more beer. “Don’t let Anda get to you, Jelena,” she said.

“Anda can be a real bitch, sometimes,” Kami added. “It’s the way she was raised. You know wedon’t feel that way, don’t you, Jelena?”

Jelena forced her mouth into a smile, appreciating her friends’ attempts to comfort and reassure her. “What Anda says does not bother me,” she lied. “It is something I have heard many times before…in different words, from people I grew up with.”

“I’ve served Lord Sen for many years,” Aneko said. “And he’s never shown anything but fairness to any person living in Kerala, be they hikui or okui. He’s that kind of a man, and he’s tried to set a good example for all of us.” She took a sip of beer and wiped her lips on the back of her hand.

“I’ve known Lord Ashinji his whole life,” she continued. “When he was very young, back when he lived here at Kerala Castle full time, he had one or two boyish crushes, but they were passing fancies. Never have I seen him in love…until now, and I can tell you truly, that purity of blood makes no difference to him.”

“Please, Aneko! You must not say this thing,” Jelena begged. “You know situation of mine. Impossible for me, for us to…Ugh! My Siri-dar is not good enough to make known feelings of mine with proper words!”

Kami nodded sympathetically.

Aneko’s kind expression told Jelena that the older woman understood perfectly.

“We commoners are more fortunate than noble folk in some ways,” Aneko said. “Most of us get to choose for ourselves whom we would mate with. Lord Ashinji will have to marry according to his parents’ wishes, but that doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t be together. You have won his heart, and that will be yours for the keeping, even after he marries.”

Jelena shook her head vigorously. “No! I refuse…not for me the life of a concubine! I left Amsara for this reason. My uncle, he would force me into loveless…how to say what is a binding agreement? I would be concubine only, never wife. I chose to run. I will not…be slave!”

She jumped up from the table, upsetting the half-full mug of beer before her, sending the foamy amber liquid gushing over the scarred wood. Sorrow and anger in equal measure threatened to tear her heart to pieces. The air of the common room suddenly lost all ability to nourish her lungs. She had to flee or suffocate.

Heedless of the concerned cries of her companions, Jelena flung herself through the open door and pelted headlong down the stairs into the stableyard. Stumbling to a halt at the bottom, she doubled over in pain and grabbed at her side. She sagged down onto the bottom step and leaned against the sun-warmed wood of the wall. Eyes tightly shut, she willed the pain to pass while acknowledging the not so subtle reminder that her body still had not fully healed.

The vibration of footsteps upon the stairs caused her to open her eyes and look up.

“Jelena,” Aneko said softly. She settled down on the step beside Jelena and tenderly caressed her shoulder. “You must love our young lord very much.”

Jelena nodded. “With all my heart. From the moment I first saw him.”

“Then it’s no wonder that you won’t settle for anything less than a full partnership with him. I wouldn’t either, if I were in your place. I meant no insult to you when I suggested that you consider a…lesser arrangement. I only meant to show you that there was a way to be with him, even if you two can’t marry.”

Hearing it put so plainly—you two can’t marry—hurt, with a pain that seared her with its intensity. Jelena wanted to jump up and scream, punch her hand through the wall, tear at her hair, anything to let the pain out lest it consume her flesh and reduce her body to ash.

How can the gods be so cruel? What did I ever do to deserve such punishment? Why did they bring me here so that I could fall in love with Ashinji when they knew that I could never have him? Am I doomed never to be happy? 

“Jelena!... Jelena!”

Jelena started, snapping back into the here and now. She turned a wide-eyed stare towards Aneko, who looked down at Jelena’s hands, face frozen in astonishment. “What is the matter, Aneko? What are you seeing?” Jelena felt a thrill of alarm.

“Your hands!” Aneko exclaimed. “Jelena, do you know what you just did?”

“Was it…blue fire…from my fingers?” Aneko nodded. “Aneko, know you what is this…this fire?”

“Most people call it magelight or handfire. I’ve only ever seen trained mages do it.” Aneko paused and stared intently into Jelena’s face for several heartbeats. “Do you know what this means, Jelena?” she said slowly then answered her own question. “It means that you’ve got Talent, and a high level of it, at that. Does Lady Amara know about this?”

“N-No,” Jelena stammered. “What is this thing, Talent?”

“Magic, Jelena. All elves are born with it. Some have it much more strongly than others.” The guardswoman’s dark eyes narrowed pensively.

“I…I did not wish to say about it until I knew my place here, but I have had it since…since before I came to Kerala. I knew it was magic, but…”

“This is important, Jelena,” Aneko interrupted. “Most hikui don’t have much Talent, but you…” She shook her head. “You are obviously different. Lady Amara will want to know. She’s a trained sorceress, though I don’t think she practices much anymore. She can help you to learn about your Talent.”

And so what if I do have Talent?Jelena thought. Did it really matter that she could conjure up magelight—she, a half-human common girl, with no social rank other than that of servant? She would still never be allowed to marry Ashinji.

Aneko must have sensed the change in her attitude. “You can’t give in to despair,” the older woman said firmly. “You have the makings of a good life here, Jelena. I know that you are searching for your elven kin. If you are able to find them, and they are a noble family and they accept you, then things might change. There might be a chance for you and Lord Ashinji.” She paused and laid a hand on Jelena’s forearm. “But if it doesn’t work out that way,” she continued gently, “accept it and move on. You are young and yes, pretty. There are many men who would find you attractive. You might just find one who’ll offer you an honorable proposal. Or, with Lady Amara’s help, perhaps you could enter a mage school. No hikui’s ever done so before, but who knows?” 

But I don’t want an honorable proposal from any other man, and I’m not sure I want to go to a mage school, even though I do want to learn about my Talent,Jelena thought. She knew Aneko’s words sprang from a sincere, heart-felt desire to help Jelena see that she did have options. She appreciated her friend’s effort, but she had already made her decision.

If making a life with Ashinji could never happen, then she would make one without him, alone. She would learn all she could about her magic, and if it meant cloistering herself away in some musty school somewhere, so be it. She would love no other man, ever. Her mind could not quite confront the enormity of her decision, not yet. But in time, it would become familiar, comfortable…bearable, even.

“Thank you, Aneko, for advice,” Jelena said. “I think I wish time alone, now.”

Aneko gave Jelena’s shoulder a final squeeze and stood up. “Think about what I’ve said.”

She turned and made her way back up the stairs, leaving Jelena to her melancholy solitude.