"Nevada," he responded unhesitatingly,
telling me that we were heading now
straight for the place. "It's near where they used to test atom
bombs years ago. We still have what is referred to as a 'Nuclear
Research Facility' there—that's IMC as it appears in the federal
budget, Pentagon budget, official ledgers and such. Initial
fund-ing was a bloody bitch—we took a little from just about every
DoD program—but, since then, our maintenance budget hasn't really
been out of line with what we're supposed to be. That's one way we
get away with it. Most senators and congressmen are simply too busy
and too rushed to check out every single project, particu-larly
established routine expenditures, and we can get pretty convincing
should one ever decide to inspect the place." "I still can't
believe you can keep such a thing secret," I told him. "You said
DoD—that's defense. Somebody has to know."
He chuckled. "You'll see that we can be most effective there. But,
you see, it has to be that way. There's per-haps half a dozen
senators and two dozen congressmen who can keep a secret. The rest
would cause more stu-pid, ignorant panic than anything else. Our
work de-pends on secrecy, not really from our own people although
that is necessary, but from the aliens. We can, after all, be
penetrated. We don't know who's who—let's face it. That's why it's
essentially a sealed facility, like a good top secret research
project working on anything danger-ous. Once in, you're in until we
feel we can let you out." I wasn't sure I liked the implications of
that. I won-dered just how free our choice was going to be, but I
said nothing. "IMC," he continued, "stands for Identity Matrix
Cen-ter. When we discovered that we had been penetrated, invaded,
whatever you like , by aliens who could body-switch it was the
logical choice. Heretofore body-switching had been considered a
total impossibility, a fantasy thing and nothing more. The very
concept was unthinkable, for it meant that no one anywhere could be
trusted and literally nothing could be safe for long. We were then
forced, by a couple of blunders like the one that left you alive,
to confront the reality of the thing—and there seemed only one
logical response. In the forties this country decided upon an atom
bomb, found the money, got the best experts on atomic physics
together with as unlimited a budget as was possible, and told them
to design and build one. They did. In the sixties, we decided to
put a man on the moon and created NASA. It was more public, of
course, but the approach was the same—get the money you need and
the top experts in the field together in the best research
facili-ties you have and tell 'em to do it. They did and there's
American flags all over the moon now. The same ap-proach was tried
with the Alternate Energies Task Force, although that's been
underfunded. The same thing is applied to IMC. Body-switching
exists. It's possible. Therefore, we need a defense against it as
priority number one. A secondary priority is to learn how to do it
ourselves if we can—for obvious reasons." I nodded, only beginning
to see the scope of this thing. "And have you made any
progress?"
He shrugged. "We know what happens when they do it, but not how
they can do it. I am living proof that they have made a lot of
progress—I was not born im-mune to the aliens. The trouble is that
it still requires enormous
technological backup to do even that to
one person. Mass protection is still
practically impossible although theoretically we could do it. What
we lack the most is concrete information on our enemy—how many they
are, where they come from, just what they're doing here. Without
those we're still somewhat defenseless, since we assume their
technology to be far in advance of ours. Were we to just go to a
big program, let the cat out of the bag as it were, they might well
easily invent a counter and then we're worse off than we were. See
what I mean?"
"You're military, then?"
He chuckled. "Oh, no. Most of the boys you've met are FBI, of
course, and the Defense Intelligence Agency ac-tually manages the
security of IMC, but I'm the top watchdog. I'm the Chief Security
Officer of the General Services Administration."
Chapter Five
IMC didn't look like much from the air—miles and miles of miles and
miles, composed of yellow, red, and orange sand, mostly flat, with
a few high sharp moun-tains far in the distance. We passed Yucca
Flat, where long ago the first atomic weapons were tested—you could
still see the ghostly remains of old mock villages and protective
concrete bunkers as we circled for a landing. Twenty or thirty
miles from all this an airstrip loomed ahead on the barren desert.
There was no question it was in use—a squadron of sleek
fighter-bombers was berthed in two concrete parking areas and a
couple of huge transports were parked near the tiny terminal,
nearly dwarfing it. The base itself was small—a few dozen squads at
best of what looked to be regulation Air Force barracks, all
looking like long veterans of continu-ous occupation. All badly
needed paint at the very least. I felt something of a let-down and
said so. "That's only the top of it," Parch laughed. "The main base
is underground, going down more than half a mile. They built them
deep for the atomic stuff, and we made it even deeper. Our computer
banks alone run for miles under the desert, a couple thousand feet
down and very isolated from any outside influences.''
I frowned. "A computer that large? I thought that went out with the
integrated circuit."
"Ordinarily that'd be true," he admitted, "but even when you
consider that a hand-held computer with a phone plug can do almost
anything, it's limited by the amount of information that can be
stored in it. Consider the human brain, then, with every single
thing in it reduced to computer bytes. That's what that
computer—computers, really—down there is for. We need mechani-cal
equivalents of human brains plus. There's never been a computer
complex like IMC."
We rolled up to the little terminal building, almost under the wing
of one of the giant transports. Again a car, this time from the
government interagency motor pool, picked us up and drove us from
the plane to one of the barrack-like buildings. Entering, we
discovered it was a complex of small offices.
Nasty-looking Air Force guards with
menacing automatic rifles, checked us out
and quizzed us every fifteen or twenty feet. I had the distinct
feeling that, if Parch didn't give the correct response each
time—and each was different we would all have been shot down where
we stood. A huge and incongruous freight elevator was in the middle
of the first floor, with two more Air Force guards on either side
of the door. Again the routine, then both guards plugged in keys on
opposite sides—too far, I noted, for any one person to do it—and
turned together, opening the elevator door. We stepped aboard and
the door rumbled closed once more. Parch then punched a numerical
combination in the elevator wall, there was a click, and he
extracted from a small compartment yet another key and placed it in
a slot, turning it not like a key but more like a combination lock.
I began to feel very, very trapped. We descended, and, passing the
next floor, then the next, and still another, I knew we were
sinking into the Nevada desert. Level five was ours, but I had the
im-pression that the shaft continued on a lot further, and walked
out into a long, lighted tiled corridor with an antiseptic smell.
The ceiling was lit with indirect fluo-rescent lighting, and except
for the lack of windows it looked like any modern office building.
Uniformed Ma-rine guards seemed to be everywhere. Parch led us down
a side corridor, then through a series of double doors. I saw that
we were in some kind of dispensary, although that wasn't quite
right. Men and women in medical whites looked up at us and one
woman walked over and had a conversation with Parch. Finally he
came back to us. "Processing first," he told us. "Just believe it's
all necessary. It won't take long, anyway."
He waited while the efficient team photographed us, took our
fingerprints, retinal patterns, EKG and EEG, blood sample—the whole
thing. The end result was going over to a small window and
receiving two small cards, one for each of us, that looked like
credit cards. On the front was our photographs, fingerprints, and a
lot of zebra-stripe coding, the back was entirely coated with a
magnetic surface.
"Guard those cards," Parch told us. "To get into and out of your
room, or anywhere here, you'll need them. They contain everything
about you that we know now, all linked to a cross-checking
computer. You'll need them even to eat. There's some paperwork to
fill out, which I have here, but I'll take you to your quarters and
get you settled in first. You can fill it out there and give it to
me later."
We followed him down another corridor and the de-cor changed a bit.
The floor was even carpeted and the doors were evenly spaced. "I
feel like I'm in a motel," I noted.
"You are," he replied. "The IMC Hilton, we call it." He went up to
a door about halfway down with the number 574 on it. "No keys,
though. Go ahead, Gonser -try your card in the little slot there."
I hesitated, then put the little plastic card in the small, narrow
slit next to the door. The card went in about halfway, then
something seemed to grab it, pull it all the way in, and there was
a click. I didn't immedi-ately try the door, expecting the card to
come back.
Parch realized the problem. "Just go on
in. It keeps the card until you leave
the room and close the door. When the computer control senses the
room's empty it'll offer the card back to you in the slot. Take it
and it automatically locks. Neat, huh?"
I shrugged, turned the knob, and opened the door. The quarters were
quite nice, like a luxury hotel suite. There was a single
queen-sized bed, dresser with mirror, nightstands, a table and
couch, a couple of comfortable-looking chairs, lots of lights and
lots more closet space, and, in the other room, a large bath with
shower. The main room even had a color TV and there were remote
controls for it and all lights beside the bed. Parch showed us
everything like an experienced bellman, even trying the TV to make
sure it worked.
In back of the parlor area was a small portabar which was mildly
stocked and a miniature refrigerator for ice, also containing some
fresh fruit, milk and juice, and the like. A cabinet held
glasses.
I was impressed. It was far more than I'd expected from the U.S.
government. Parch just shrugged it off. "Look, we have some of the
top brains in biophysics, biochemistry, computer sciences, you name
it—and, in some cases, their families as well. We can hardly take
such people and lock them away in some fallen-down barracks, can
we? All your things have been brought here and unpacked, by the
way, along with a number of extras in your size; lab whites, that
sort of thing. You'll notice the phone has no dial—it's not a line
to the outside. But there's a directory there, so you can call
anybody in IMC, even arrange wake-up calls. There's daily maid
service and the bar and fridge are kept stocked. If you need more,
or pharmacy items, anything like that, the numbers to call are
there."
Dory looked around the room with a mild look of disapproval. "The
bed's for both of us? Don't you have a king size?" "This is Ms.
Gonser's room, not yours. You have an almost identical one next
door in 576."
"Why can't we stay together?" we both asked, almost together.
"Rules," Parch told us. "Get used to them—there are a lot of them,
I'm afraid." He hesitated a moment, look-ing a little apologetic.
"Look, you'll be next door and can visit all you want. The only
thing is, well, you're still on probation, so to speak. Please go
along with us for now and trust me that there are good reasons born
of past experiences behind those rules. O.K.?" There seemed little
choice but to accept it—for now. "Come, Ms. Tomlinson, I'll show
you your room," he said, turning to Dory. "And I'll leave the
papers here. Take a little time, stretch out, relax, fill the
things out, and after I check in and tend to my own business we'll
get together again. Take advantage of this time—you're going to be
very busy soon." They went out and the door closed behind them. I
went over to it and saw that there was one difference between it
and a motel that made me vaguely uncomfor-table—no inside lock. I
finally just sighed, turned, and went over to the bed. Hell, if you
can't trust a setup as guarded as this a puny little lock wasn't
going to help, I told myself.
Finally I explored the room. In addition
to the other features I found a clock,
a radio, some recent magazines, and the day's Las Vegas newspaper.
I checked the clothes, all neatly unpacked and put where they
should be. I got undressed, then stood there, looking at my nude
body in the dresser mirror. Damn it all, I told myself, I still
turn myself on. Suddenly, on impulse, I got up, lugged one of the
chairs over to the door and propped it against the knob. It made me
feel better, even if it made no sense. I wanted no sudden
surprises, and the guards in the local area I'd seen were all
male.
I took a brief shower, which felt good, then just plopped on the
bed, looking at that supine reflection in the mirror. It was no
good, I thought moodily. I've joined the human race, all right, but
I've joined the wrong half. Oh, it might be fun to act like a
woman—all the way, with my choice of men, just to see what it was
like, but, somehow, I didn't think so. It wasn't my body—it was
hers.
As much as I enjoyed the attention now being paid to me, the
courtesies, the fact that I was the automatic center of attention,
the ogled rather than the withdrawn and hopeless ogler, I couldn't
pretend that my inner self had really changed. Mentally, I was
still male. All those handsome young men I'd met that morning
hadn't done anything for or to me. I still looked sideways at some
of the cute and attractive women we'd passed in Seattle, and the
only time I'd felt any sort of sexual stirring was in the women's
room of the coffee shop back at the hotel. I still was attracted to
women. I would rather be in bed with this reflection than be this
reflection.
I reached over and flipped on the TV. It was the news, something I
usually immersed myself in. The usual was going on. Two dead in
hotel fire… Secretary of State hopes for new arms treaty with the
Russians… Presi-dent of the Central African Republic shot in coup
attempt… And so it went. Somehow, it just didn't seem important
anymore.
I flipped off the TV and lay back face up on the bed, closing my
eyes for a moment. What the hell kind of future did I have? I was a
gorgeous sex symbol who was the opposite of what I appeared to be.
In a sense, noth-ing had really changed. I was still the alien, the
out-sider, the non-participator in society because my inner and
outer selves were so damnably different. Idly, I became aware that
parts of my body were reacting to my inner thoughts, a pleasurable
tension building, and I was only half aware that my hands were
touching, stroking those parts. My nipples felt like tiny,
miniature erections, and responded to rubbing with a tremendous
feeling of eroticism. I kept rubbing one, almost unable to stop,
and reached down between my legs, doing to myself what I wanted to
do to myself. I could imagine me—the old me—here, in bed, next to
this beautiful sex goddess, doing this to bring her to a fever
pitch, then penetrating, thrusting… I grew tre-mendously wet, my
finger feeling so good, my thumb massaging the clitoris, until,
finally, I experienced an orgasmic explosion that shook my entire
body. It felt so good I kept at it, accomplishing it several more
times. It felt so good and I think I just about screamed with
ecstasy at the repeated orgasms. Finally I stopped, a sudden fear
that my outcry had
been overheard bring-ing me down a bit,
and I just went limp, breathing hard on
the bed, savoring the afterglow. Male and fe-male orgasms were
certainly related experiences, but very different in the way the
sexual sensation was trans-mitted. It was a wonderful feeling, but
it did little to snap my depression. For it was still me inside
this sensuous body, me, Victor Gonser, male, all by myself, alone
in the quiet of the room.
After a while I managed to get up and went over to the desk to look
at the forms to be filled out. There were a lot of them, and they
were very detailed about my past life, work, interests. I filled
them out almost haphaz-ardly, not really caring very
much.
The phone rang and I picked it up. It was Parch, asking me to come
down to his office. "The guard will show you the way," he told me.
"We'll have a light dinner, then I want to go and wake up our
prisoner." "He's here?"
"Oh, yes—and still sleeping like a baby. We've prepared a special
room for him and it's about time we tried to find out what we can."
"Is Dory coming?"
"No, just me and you, then a couple of specialists. Don't
worry—she's fine. You can visit her later on tonight if you like."
I hung up, got up, and looked through the clothing. I had never
appreciated before how much trouble women go through to look the
way they do. It all felt funny, cumbersome, and slightly
uncomfortable. The bra was the most uncomfortable of the lot, but
with my ample chest I thought I needed it. I went through the
clothing Dory had bought for me and cursed her for it. All the
stuff was clingy and sexy and that was not what I wanted,
definitely. I looked over at the added stuff and decided on it for
the mo-ment, choosing a pair of white pants, a plain white T-shirt,
and sandals. It looked just as sexy as all the elaborate stuff,
but, what the hell, it was comfortable and practical. With my shape
I hardly needed a belt, didn't see one that worked, and decided
against one. Finally I brushed my hair, which I hadn't washed,
nod-ded to myself in the mirror, then walked over and pulled the
chair from the door. I opened it and spotted the Marine guard at
the end of the corridor. I stepped out, letting the door shut
behind me. There was a click and a whirring sound and my card
reappeared in the little slot. I'd almost forgotten it, but I
removed it now and stuck it in my hip pocket.
The guard gave me the kind of look that betrayed ev-ery thought in
his licentious mind, but he was very disciplined and directed me
down the corridor to another, small elevator. The guard on that one
had been expecting me and inserted and turned his single key. I
stepped in, was told to punch the next level up—four—and the door
closed. It was more like a normal elevator than the other, but, I
noted, the buttons went only from levels three to sixteen. No way
out on this one.
I punched four, noted the implications of level sixteen, and was
quickly taken up. The guard on four di-rected me to Parch's office,
which proved to be a large affair, with two secretaries in the
outer office, teletype-writers chattering away, computer terminals
like mad, and lots of different colored telephones. It
looked
more like the city desk on a newspaper
than the office of a man like Harry Parch.
He was carefully putting his costume back on as I entered. I
noticed more comfortable military khakis draped over a chair, and a
makeup and dressing table resembling an actor's off to one side.
When he turned around he was the Parch we'd seen from the start—but
now knew. I wouldn't recognize the real Parch from Adam in any
group of men. No wonder I hadn't seen him on the ferry earlier than
that show-down day—he probably was all over the place, but as
someone entirely different. The blue eyes were special contact
lenses; I saw a pair of glasses on the table. The moustache was one
of several different types he kept in a small case, and there were
more wigs and a wardrobe of differently styled clothing in a rear
closet. Everything, I realized, about Harry Parch was phoney. He
brightened and smiled. "Well! You certainly have adjusted well.
Most folks in your—er—situation go a bit off the deep end, you
know. Some worse than others."
I nodded. "I think Dory's a bit off. Nothing serious—but she's not
quite herself, I'd say."
He shrugged. "Could be worse. We have an entire psychiatric unit
here just to treat problems like that. They're good, but nobody can
work miracles. I suspect we'll let them take a good long look at
your friend when you take the routine tests tomorrow. Maybe they
can help her adjust. She's going to be no good to anyone, even
herself, unless she does." It was clear as we walked down the hall
who was the boss here. Sentries snapped to when he approached,
nobody once questioned him about anything at all, and he walked to
a small executive dining room like he owned the place. In a sense,
he did. The dining room with its own chef and fancy meals, was
obviously for the select few at the top. "Why the costume?" I
couldn't help asking him as the salad came. He smiled softly.
"Symbols are important to anyone. I head the people who track the
dybbuks down, and I'm immune to their biggest trick. I'm not
Superman, though—a bullet does the same thing to me that it does to
you. They both hate and fear me—and so I let them hate and fear
this. It affords a physical magnet for them that also serves as a
terror symbol—the man with the stake out after the vampire, so to
speak. And it protects me as well, of course. If they knew my real
identity and appearance I could never venture anywhere without an
armed guard."
"The accent—is that phoney, too?"
"Oh, my, yes, ducks!" he came back in thick Cockney. "Any bluddy
toime y'want, luv." He chuckled, then switched to Brooklynese. "Dem
bums ain't gonna know wud I'm like." He switched back to the
familiar soft Irish he normally used. "You see? I've studied
accents for years. Makeup, too. In my younger days I was going to
be a great actor. Maybe I am. I like to think so." "That Belfast
story—it was a phoney, then?" He thought for a moment, and I
wondered if he were deciding whether to elaborate a lie, invent
another, or tell me the truth. Would I ever know? This strange man
exuded something vaguely sinister, something I couldn't really
pin
down intellectually but felt, deep down.
Per-haps it was his total lack of anything
real—or was that cold and analytical tone the real man coming out?
In his own way, Harry Parch was as chameleon-like as the alien
dybbuks he chased. "Yes, I'm a naturalized citizen," he said
hesitantly. "The early part is genuine. I'll be quite frank, Ms.
Gonser—that experience shaped my entire life. You have no idea what
it's like to grow up with the army on every street corner, neighbor
against neighbor depending on what church your folks went to, not
knowing whether the next parked car contained a bomb or the next
ordi-nary man or woman you passed wasn't going to turn and blow
your kneecaps off." His tone grew very seri-ous. "You have no idea
what it is like to see your par-ents blown to bits before your
twelve-year-old eyes." There was nothing I could say to that, but I
couldn't help thinking that he was either being honest or was one
hell of an actor. "Those early nerves—Belfast reflexes, I call
'em—stand me in good stead now. Coming down that trail up north,
not knowing who was who… And I'm well-suited for this battle, I
think. I always doubt strangers, but only a Belfast boy doubts his
old friends."
I more or less believed him, but it didn't make me feel any better
about him. I had the strong feeling that Harry Parch loved no one,
trusted no one, lived in a violent world where all could be
enemies. If his story were true he was undoubtedly so paranoid as
to be in many ways insane; if it were not true, then he was even
worse—a man who loved the game, to whom patrio-tism, ideology, and
human beings were all just words to him, labels on chess pieces to
be moved and sacrificed at will. I wondered which he was. A little
of both, proba-bly. Pragmatically, governments need people like
Harry Parch, I reflected, but always as agents of someone else,
never as the boss. We continued talking as dessert came, but it was
all small talk. That was all I was going to get from Harry Parch,
on himself or on anything else. I was just another pawn to him in
his grand game and I would get only what he decided I should
get.
We left the dining room and he led me back to the elevator which we
took three more levels down. The new area looked like a
clinic—which, in a sense, it was. Three people met us—two women and
a man—all dressed in sharp medical whites. He talked with them for
a minute, then introduced me to them, and finally said, "Well, I
have to go in there with him. I'm supposedly immune but you never
know—so what about a password?" I thought a minute. "How
about—Machiavelli?" He. laughed sharply, although I could see he
was somewhat nervous. "Machiavelli it is, then. You all hear that?"
The others nodded and I was a little surprised to see that it was
the two women who drew nasty-looking pistols from their pockets.
One I recognized as a vet's dart pistol, the kind used for putting
zoo animals to sleep, but the other was a vicious-looking magnum.
We walked down another corridor and entered what looked like a
recording studio. No, I thought again, maybe like the place where
police hold line-ups of sus-pects for witnesses. There were several
comfortable seats in front of a thick pane of safety glass, with
microphones in front of each chair. The two women
took positions on either side of me,
putting their weapons in swivel vises, then
opening small doors in the glass win-dow through which the pistols
could protrude. I saw that there was a wire mesh on the other side
of those tiny openings, preventing anyone from touching the
weap-ons. For a moment I was uneasy about this, since I wondered if
these aliens might not be some sophisti-cated collection of
microbes, an alien symbiote or parasite—but I quickly dismissed the
idea. Not only would they have known that, at least, by now but the
odds of any alien organism being able to affect humans was slight
to none.
Behind the glass lay the man, on a hospital bed, a bottle of some
clear fluid hanging on the side, dripping a little bit of itself
into the unconscious figure through a small needle inserted in a
vein in his wrist. The body was strapped securely to the
table.
Parch and the male technician in white slid a number of bolts and
locks from the door to one side of the glass—I could hear each lock
give—and Parch stepped inside. The door closed behind him and I
could hear every lock going back into place. Only when that was
done did the inner door open electrically, allowing Parch to step
into the chamber. "Now, everyone, I'm going to slowly bring him
around," Parch's voice came from the speakers, sounding oddly
distant. "I'm simply going to prompt him with some elementary
stuff, perhaps sprinkled with some little white lies, so we can get
the measure of him a little better." He took a deep breath. "Let's
do it." I had to admire Parch's coolness, even though he was
clearly a little nervous. Carefully he removed the needle from the
dybbuk's wrist and hung it to one side, then quickly left. I
noticed that the medical technician who remained outside gazed
anxiously at an electronic con-sole. Obviously the alien's body was
monitored—and perhaps Parch as well.
"Now, no shooting unless my life is in danger," Parch ordered, and
I realized that it was his fellow humans, not aliens, that worried
him. "Also, please no one say anything until and unless I ask you
to. He can not see you; the glass is one-way."
We sat there, waiting expectantly, intently watching the figure on
the hospital bed. It took about five tense minutes before the man
seemed to stir, groan, then, finally, groggily open his
eyes.
Abruptly, his eyes focused, found Parch, and widened in what I
could only think was fear. He struggled to get out of his bonds but
got nowhere. "You'll not break those shackles very easily," Parch
warned him. "You should have chosen a weightlifter or someone else
more muscular. However, that still would do you little good. You're
covered by both a sleep gun and a magnum, and both would be used as
unhesitat-ingly on me or on you." The man—a rather good-looking man
of thirty or so, with sandy hair and a ruddy, outdoorsy
complexion—looked around the chamber and, stopped struggling.
"Where am I?" he asked in clear and accentless Ameri-can English.
"You're at IMC, and at IMC you'll stay," Parch told him. "It's
where your folks have been trying to get to all this time anyway.
Well, you made it. Now, let's be civil about this—introductions?"
He looked around with an-noyance. "I
should remember to bring a chair in
here." He sighed. "Well, I'm Harry Parch,
Security Officer for IMC—but I expect you know that." The man just
stared at him.
"What do we call you?" Parch asked, shuffling a bit from foot to
foot. "My name would mean nothing to you—literally," the man on the
table responded. "For general purposes, I use the name Dan Pauley."
I started slightly. So this was Dan, the leader on the trail. Parch
nodded to him. "All right, then, Mr. Dan Pauley it is. You know,
this is the first time I've ever had the chance to talk civilly to
one of your kind. This is quite an occasion. Sorry I forgot the
champagne." "You've killed a lot of us, though," Pauley almost
spat. Parch assumed a mock-hurt look. "Oh, come now! I'm not the
one who picks innocent people and shoots air bubbles into their
veins after stealing the bodies they were born in."
"I never liked the killing," Pauley responded in a sincere tone.
"At first, I admit, none of us gave it a second thought—to them you
seemed barely higher than the apes, if you'll pardon the
expression. But I've lived here a long time, got to know this
place, and it became more and more unpleasant. We simply had no
choice if we were to stay undetected."
"Oh, my! Pardon me!" Parch responded, his tone if anything more
cynical than before. "Isn't it fortunate that the first of you that
we capture in one piece is a moralist, an idealist, and even has a
guilty conscience! My, my!" His tone suddenly changed to chilling
hatred. "And I'm so glad that all your murders were necessary! How
much comfort that is to your victims, their spouses, children,
friends. How very comforting."
Pauley sighed. "All right, all right. But don't make such a moral
crusade out of it yourself. The human race hasn't been very kind to
any of its own who happened to be in the way if they were more
primitive than the civilization moving in on them. To a race that
prac-tices genocide on parts of itself that differ only in color,
or religion, or some other trivial thing I think we're pretty
civilized about it. We killed only when necessary, and we killed
only to safeguard our own mission."
Parch had started pacing a bit, but suddenly he stopped, turned,
and looked directly at the man strapped on the table. "Ah, the
mission. If the killing and body-stealing is an abhorrent
necessity, then you must have quite a good reason for doing so, at
least in your own mind. What? Anthropology? Conquest?
What?"
The man thought for a while, obviously wrestling with his inner
self. If he told too much he'd betray his people to his worst
enemy. If he told nothing he would be un-able to escape the moral
corner into which he'd painted himself. I felt a little sorry for
him. He couldn't know that he was not the first Harry Parch had
caught nor, I suspected would he.
"Look," he said at last, "my people—we call ourselves Urulu, which
just means people, really—are in trouble. In many ways we're quite
different from you, maybe more so than you can imagine, but in some
ways we're the same. We evolved on a life-sustaining world, became
dominant, and built a civilization.
Finally, we reached the stars, as you may
someday do, and began looking for
other civilizations. We found a lot, but none capable of
interstellar flight, and things went along pretty well for a while.
Like most expanding cultures, we stole from the civilizations we
discovered, but not anything you might guess. We stole ideas—art,
new ways of looking at things, scientific breakthroughs in areas we
never con-sidered, things like that. They're the true treasures of
a civilization, and we could steal them to our profit without
injuring any other cultures. They never really guessed we were
there."
"Like Earth."
"Well, not really. Frankly, Earth is just a bit too prim-itive and
too alien to have much to offer us. But, finally, we bumped into
another civilization, a far different one, also spreading out to
the stars. We frankly don't know much about them, although they're
technologically our equals. In many ways they seemed like us, even
to the body-switching capabilities, but when they'd reached our
level they had made different choices about how to use their
powers. They weren't a civilization you could even talk to,
identify with, or really understand. They were—well, missionaries,
I guess, interested only in con-verts. When we met they tried it on
us, we resisted, and war resulted. A gigantic war, really, on a
no-win scale. They won't surrender—they can't surrender, it
wouldn't be something they'd comprehend—but we're so strong
militarily that they can't win, either. This state of per-petual
stalemate has existed now for thousands of years. And we can't win,
either—they're too many and we too few." Parch's expression was
both grim and thoughtful and I saw him nod once or twice to
himself. I had the feeling that Pauley was confirming what Parch
had been told by others, and I thought I could see how his mind was
going. Either the Urulu had one hell of a convincing and consistent
cover story or they were telling the truth—and they seemed too
egocentric to bother concocting anything this elaborate. It would
be hard for them to imagine being caught like this. And if this war
were true—where was the other side? "How does all this involve the
Earth?" Parch wanted to know. "Are we now the front? Or might we
be?"
"I—I really don't know. There's no front in the normal sense. We
have a military stalemate, remember—and destroying a planet doesn't
get you anything but one more dead planet. The war now is a battle
for the minds, the souls, if you will, of various planets. There's
some evidence that they are active on Earth, but it wouldn't be a
high priority item for them. You're very rare in the galaxy, you
know. Most—maybe 95 percent—aren't like you at all. Most races
couldn't exist here in their natural forms, we included. But there
are enough planets with what you might call humanoid life to make
it worth their while—and ours. We have few allies, and those we
have are much closer to our form of life than yours, and we
occasionally need, well, warm bodies to work those planets. You're
out here on a spiral arm, pretty far away from the action, but
you're the closest, most convenient source of warm-blooded
mammalian oxygen-breathers we have."
I was appalled, and even Parch looked disturbed, at all this.
"We're your spare parts depot, then, for humanoid worlds," Parch
said more
than asked.
Pauley nodded slowly, a sheepish look on his face. "Look, this
world's massively overpopulated anyway, and I think you'd admit
that most of those people are vegetative—subsistence farmers,
primitives of all kinds. They die young, of curable diseases and
terrible cus-toms, sometimes of starvation, and it makes absolutely
no difference whatsoever to your race, your history, if such people
live or die. We try to concentrate on people like that—we really
do. Most of the bodies we take are from people who matter not a bit
to Earth but they matter a great deal to us. In a sense, we give
them purpose." "At the cost of their lives," Parch responded
darkly. "This is a war! You'd react the same way and do the same
things if you were in our shoes! You know it!"
Parch didn't reply to that because he knew as well as I did that
the whole of human history supported the alien's point of view. We
really weren't that different after all.
"So those people on the trail and in Skagway and on that ship—they
were all expendable?"
Pauley sighed. "Look, I was a—station chief, I guess you'd call it.
I've been here a very long time, and I was due to go home as soon
as I could break in my relief. That's who I picked up in Alaska—but
something went wrong. You know more about that than I do. We got
chased halfway across Alaska and the Yukon by you, no matter what
tricks we tried. I wish I knew how you did it, I really do. All
those we left—well, it was them or us. You'll understand that a
body-switching race doesn't face death easily because there's a
good chance it won't happen."
Parch nodded at that, and I considered it. A race of body switchers
would be potentially immortal, subject only to accidents and acts
of violence. Particularly a spacefaring race with access to all the
bodies of many worlds. It was a staggering concept.
"Now what happens?" Pauley asked. "You can kill me, of course and I
admit the thought terrifies me. But I'm a soldier and a
volunteer—I'll die if I have to. You can keep me prisoner, but that
won't gain you much, either. I don't mind telling you the general
things but there's much, the important parts, no amount of
coer-cion can get from me. You can try torture, but I can shut down
the pain centers—I have far more control over this body than you
have of yours. You can't use drugs—although I'm sure you'll try.
All you'll get is a Urulu mind and unless you know Urulu, a
language with few common references to yours, it'll get you
noth-ing but a lot of bad sounds." "Or I could let you go," Parch
said softly. To my surprise that caused the alien to laugh. "Come
on, Parch! You and I both know I couldn't do anything now if I
wanted to. You have me in your sights. You have some way of
tracking me—how I can't imagine. I'm not about to betray my
people."
"We have your matrix, you know," Parch said in that same soft tone.
The man stiffened. "My ma—" He seemed to collapse, to deflate as if
a balloon newly pricked by a needle. "So you've come that far," he
managed
weakly.
"You started it, you know," the IMC agent pointed out. I wished I
knew what they were talking about.
Pauley seemed to regain a little of his composure. "I suppose we
did, although it's hard to believe you're advanced enough to manage
it. I wish my people knew. It might change everything. Make us
allies instead of adversaries." He hesitated a moment, thinking.
"Maybe that's what they are doing here. We thought it was just to
try and cut off our body bank, but if they even guessed…" Again a
pause, then, "You may be in far more danger than you realize." "If
they know—and we have only your word that they even exist—we're
already doomed," Parch noted. "I rather suspect they do not know,
Mr. Pauley, if you didn't."
"Which brings us back to question one," the Urulu said. "What do we
do for now?"
"Well, I can't trust you, of course, for I have only your word on
these matters, and you can't trust me, since you can hardly place
your faith in my hands childishly. What I think we shall do for the
moment is leave things as they are while we get to know each other
better. For now, I'm going to release you from this bed, and we
have rigged up a small apartment in back, through that door there.
It is, of course, totally bugged and moni-tored and is not the
world's most comfortable accom-modations, but it should do. Food
will be passed in to you. Automatic and human-controlled weapons
will be trained upon you at all times, of course, so please keep
that in mind. Just consider yourself, well, a prisoner of
war."
The man nodded. "I understand." Parch undid the straps holding the
alien down and Pauley got up un-steadily, rubbing the places where
the tight restraints had cut into him. Finally he got unsteadily to
his feet and went over to Parch. "Truce?" he asked, and put out his
hand. We all tensed, knowing what Pauley was trying to pull. Parch
did not hesitate, taking Pauley's hand and shaking it vigorously, a
wide smile on his face. "Now that we have that established, yes, a
truce," Parch told him. Pauley looked more than a little astonished
and somewhat worried. "The only people I ever knew that were immune
are other Urulu, who can consent or not, and our enemy," he said
suspiciously. "Which are you, Parch?" For the first time I
understood just why Harry Parch was such a terror figure to them.
They knew all their own people on our little world, so Parch, who
had the power to block a switch, had to be their enemy in hu-man
guise. It seemed to me that Parch, too, must have thought of that,
perhaps long ago. For a second I won-dered if it might not just be
true, but I quickly dis-missed the idea. That way lay madness, and
you could be paranoid enough just knowing what I knew. "I'm no
alien," Parch assured him. "I was born in this body on this planet,
I promise you. I am—a prototype, you might say. A few of us have
been rendered immune to you, although at great cost." Pauley just
stared at him and I did likewise. "Cost?" The alien repeated. He
nodded. "I am totally immune. I am myself—forever. Forever, Pauley.
You yourself mentioned the promise of immortality from the process.
You can
see, then, why so few working on this
project have been willing to take the
cure."
Pauley's mouth dropped slightly, and, for the first time, I
understood IMC's problem, why the defense wasn't "perfected" as
Parch had said. If we really could learn how to switch bodies then
immortality, at least for some, would be attainable. Attainable,
yes, like the Urulu -but not for Parch. Never for Harry
Parch…
"I must leave you now," the agent told the alien. "However, I'm
assigning someone directly to you, to talk to you, discuss ways out
of this mess, give us some common ground. I think you two will get
along famous-ly—considering you are responsible for her being in
the body she's in. Your partner, anyway. Does the prospect interest
you, Ms. Goner?" I almost jumped at the sound of my name. Finally I
leaned over and keyed the microphone. "There's noth-ing I'd like
better," I told them both. Chapter Six
I was escorted by Marine guard back to my room, and I decided to
drop in on Dory and fill her in. I went to her door and knocked,
finally hearing a muffled ques-tion. I called out who I was and
heard the sound of something being pulled back from the door. The
motion made me chuckle a bit, and feel a little better, too. I
wasn't alone in my privacy demands, it seemed. Finally the door
opened a crack and Dory said, "Come on in. I'm not really fit for
those gorillas at either ends of the hall." I pushed the door open
and walked through, shutting it behind me. She was nude and had a
towel wrapped around her hair. The TV was on, and I saw a mirror,
scissors, and make-up kit on the bed. It was already getting hard
to remember myself in that slight, dark body, and I reflected how
odd it was that I'd adjusted so easily to all this. Humans were
adaptable animals, all right.
She was extremely thin and quite cute in an exotic sort of way.
Although not quite there as yet, you could tell she was going to be
an attractive, if small, young woman.
"What've you been doing?" I asked her.
She went over and snapped off the television. "Sitting around,
mostly. Watching TV. They got a couple of movie channels here I
never saw before—one's all porn. Inter-esting. I been sitting here
doing my hair and taking notes for when I can use it
properly."
I smiled and took a seat on the couch. "Did you get anything to
eat?" "Oh, yeah, hours ago. One of the Marines came by and we went
up to the dining hall. The food's not bad, although I have a thing
against cafeterias. They got some setup here, though. Bar with
dance floor, movie theater with first-run stuff, game rooms—you
name it, like a luxury hotel. Swimming pool, jaccuzi, saunas, you
name it. Even tennis courts. They live pretty good here, I'd say."
"I'll have to see it," I told her, then proceeded to fill her in on
my evening. She followed my story with rapt attention, occasionally
breaking in with
questions. When j was through she
considered it all for a while.
"You know, you sound like you really liked that alien thing," she
noted. I shrugged. "I don't know what I think. I can say that I
found him reasonable, at least. I don't like the idea of my planet
being a body bank for some alien species, but I can understand his
point of view without approving. I think, inside, we're more
alike—his people and us—than either of our groups wants to
admit."
"Or he just understands humans better than we un-derstand his
kind," she responded a bit cynically, then changed the subject.
"Any idea what happens next to us?"
I shook my head. "Parch said we'd spend most of the day tomorrow
taking a battery of tests."
"Tests?"
"Psychological tests, mostly, I think. They want to find out if
there's anything wrong with our minds after the switching, how we
look at ourselves, the world, that kind of thing."
She nodded. "I guess I understand. The truth is, I've been looking
a little at myself lately. I'm not really sure I know myself
anymore, if I ever did. I mean, it's kind of funny, but the more I
think about all this the less I mind it. Isn't that
weird?"
I frowned. "I don't understand what you're saying, frankly."
"It's—well, it's hard to explain. I think maybe you'll find out for
yourself. But, well, things weren't going right for me. I was
pretty screwed up inside, and I didn't really know where I was
going, only that I couldn't really go back to my old life, my old
friends, be the kind of girl they wanted. It's—well, hard to
explain. But life was getting to be such a pisser this wasn't so
bad—once you get over the shock. For a day or two I really went off
the deep end, particularly with my old self standing there in front
of me. It's passed, though. I keep thinking that this was the best
thing that could have happened to me—becoming somebody else, that
is." She hesitated, realizing she wasn't getting through. I had the
impres-sion that there was more to this than she was telling me,
some missing piece of the complex puzzle that was Dorian Tomlinson.
For my part, I couldn't imagine a nineteen-year-old stunner of a
woman with money, brains, and looks having any problems I could
recognize as problems. "What about you, Vicki? How are you holding
up? I mean, you had a lot more of a change than I did. All I did
was lose some height, about six years, and gain reddish-brown
skin."
My own sense of loneliness and isolation, of being out of place,
returned to me with a vengeance. The interlude with Parch and the
alien had allowed me to temporarily push it to the back of my mind,
but it never really left, and now here it was back full once again.
In a way, I thought, I was worse off than I was before, for the
only way I got any release was by pretending I was doing it to
somebody else. I felt a need, almost a hunger, to share this
feeling with somebody and Dory was, now, closer to me than anyone
else in the world. I began cautiously, but eventually it just
poured out, my whole life story, my frustrations, the whole thing.
"I feel as alien as that Urulu or whatever it is in that
cage," I told her. "Just like I always
have. God, Dory! I have such a need to
belong, somewhere, just once."
She came over to me and kissed me softly on the forehead. "Poor
Vicki," she sympathized, "you really have the worst of it, I
think." She curled up into a cute little ball on the couch opposite
me, looking at me thoughtfully. "You know," she said, "it's really
crazy. I never knew you as a man and I have a tough time thinking
of you in those terms. You're mannish, yes, in your movements and
gestures, but not male, if that makes any sense. Part of that's my
own conditioning, I guess. I knew a lot of women who dreamed of
being men, but you're the first man I know who admitted fantasizing
being a woman. It's the old image thing, I guess. Women say they
want men to be more emotional, tender, all that—but you got me to
thinking that maybe that's all wrong. Maybe men are all those
things women are, but it's all locked inside somehow. Maybe we
contribute to it—I know many of my friends say they want a warm,
tender man but they only go to bed with macho types." I nodded.
"That's my bitter experience. Men who really are what our liberated
women say they want are often friends, confidants, of those
women—but never sexual partners. That was my experience. I always
won-dered if the male stereotypes everybody decries—the macho
types, that sort of thing—aren't reinforced by women's behavior
towards them. A man with normal sexual drives who tries to be a
warm, friendly human being to women only to see them march off with
what they say they abhor might become more of that macho type
himself. In the process he loses his humanity, and maybe his pride,
which makes him inwardly bitter, but he does it because he's forced
to. And then there were those like me who couldn't lower themselves
that way, and so became the permanent outsiders. You have no idea
the hurt it causes—and the cynicism it breeds against women in
general, fair or not." She considered that. "So you envied women.
The pretty ones got all the attention, while the more open economy
gave them all equal competition with men in the mar-ketplace and
other options. You know, I wonder if we haven't hit on one of the
basics of human behavior. Still, you know, it's a man's world in
most respects. Men still run the country, most of the businesses,
make most of the decisions, make more money and seem gen-erally
freer to us women. Male culture dominates so much that the
successful businesswomen really get there and stay there by
imitating the men, being as aggres-sive, as macho, maybe, as they
are."
"We begin as little babies, but there it departs. Everything in a
boy's life is competition—winning. Sports. Fighting to establish
pecking orders in gangs. Showing off, But, you see, the necessary
basic training is there because men can't do anything else. Women
now have the same career choices as men, but they can opt not to
work, to have and raise babies, their choices clear early in life.
Men have only that sense of purpose in the job. Even if they marry,
the law gives the man the obligation to support the wife and kids,
and in a divorce gives the kids almost invariably to the mother
while making Dad pay for it, even if Mom's a cultist murderer with
a fifty-thousand-dollar-a-year job while Dad's a kind, devoted,
loving ten-thousand-dollar-a-year janitor. He has no rights,
only
responsibilities, and no real options. No
wonder men die so much earlier than
women."
"It's no picnic as a woman, either," Dory responded. "We get the
dolls, the toy stoves, the frilly little dresses. We rarely get the
attention our brothers do, the prepa-ration for something big. Then
along comes puberty and you get periods that make you feel yucky,
and suddenly you can't go to the store alone. If your parents
aren't scared for you then you soon get scared yourself. Rape
becomes a threat you live with. You envy your brother going
downtown alone to pick up something at the store or take in a
movie. The boys see you as a thing, not a person, and usually have
only one thing in mind. I was seventeen before my parents would
trust me out on a date after dark! And most girls have to decide in
the college years-career or family. The pressure's big, you get
hurt fast and often, and if, like me, you're good looking you're
even more limited. It's understood you'll work for a while until
you get married and settle down, but aside from modeling or show
business or something like that you can get any job—if you want to
pay the price for keeping it, and if you don't expect to go
anywhere.
"Pretty women aren't supposed to be smart, and they don't have to
be. You quickly learn what you're ex-pected to do to get what you
want—and you either do it, or don't and go nowhere, or get married
and settle down. You get a dozen passes just going to lunch. You
wind up a prisoner in your own skin without options at all. You
know, I really envied men. I had two older brothers and I really
wanted to be one of them. Come and go when you please, free to pick
and choose careers, free to be left alone in a crowded party if you
wanted to be or go on the make if you felt like it. No period, no
danger of getting pregnant, none of that."
I shook my head sadly from side to side. "The grass is always
greener. You wonder how anybody winds up happy in this life, or
satisfied, or content. "Luck, mostly," Dory decided. "Enough
people, enough combinations. But not either of us, it seems." She
chuckled dryly. "How did two such miserable outsiders wind up
together in this fix?" I looked at her without comprehending.
"Surely you were better off comparatively than me. You had a lot
more of your life ahead of you, were still far along from making
those choices. You had the potential to find hap-piness, a
potential I really ended."
"No, Vicki," she responded gently. "It wasn't that way at all." She
sighed and was silent for a moment, as if making a decision.
Finally she shook her head slightly and mumbled to herself, "O.K.
True confessions time, I guess." She looked back up at me. "What
I'm going to tell you I've never told a living soul. I just really
got to telling myself a few days ago, for real." "You don't have to
tell me anything you don't want to." She shook her head. "No, I
want to tell you. Particu-larly now." She sighed once more and
looked a little thoughtful. "Look, I knew what growing up was
supposed to mean, supposed to feel like. I had a lot of girl
friends in the neighborhood, and they all had crushes on big pop
stars or TV actors, things like that. Even on some local boys. I
never did, but I figured I was just more
picky, smarter, or something. I just
stuck mostly, with my girl friends, never
really feeling too comfortable around boys. I was a virgin until I
was seventeen—that's weird in this day and time, but I never really
thought it was until I hit college. I was sure horny all the
time—the tension inside me was unbelievable. I tried a couple of
boys in college—after all, I had my pick— but it just didn't do
much for me. I never got off and hardly even got wet. I got to
wondering if maybe most of this stuff I'd heard was bullshit, that
women just faked it but didn't really get out of sex what men
seemed to. But I could get myself off, and it felt great—but I felt
like a freak." She paused here but I said nothing, having a feeling
as to the direction she was going. It was most difficult to
remember that she'd been in college only a year—and so all this was
only fourteen or fifteen months at most, still very fresh to her.
Despite the tiny thirteen-year-old body and childish voice she
seemed so very much older than nineteen.
"After school ended last May, we had a big party off-campus to
celebrate," she continued. "Lots of stuff around. Booze, pot,
pills, coke, even opium, would you believe? I never really was much
into that whole thing, but it was that kind of party, you know, and
I drank a hell of a lot more than I should and did a little hash
with the group and the next thing you know I'm rolling around on
the floor making out passionately…" She sighed. "… With Mary
Forester." I nodded, although it felt very strange to hear it. She
looked up at me and there was genuine anguish in her
face.
"You see? Well, when I woke up on the floor much later there, I got
out fast and went back to my little off-campus apartment. I was
sick at myself as well as being hung over. I kept telling myself
that it was the booze and drugs, and I had myself halfway believing
it, but I didn't want to see any of those people again. I was
embarrassed, afraid, I guess. I just wanted to run, get away—not
home, either, although that's where I went. My folks were glad to
see me, of course, and Mom was trying to fix me up with dates while
Dad was talking about my future and all that and all I wanted to do
was crawl into a hole and die." "And after a month of hiding out,
with your family pressing you to get out, you decided to pack off
to Alaska."
She nodded. "Tommy Coyne wasn't at the party—he'd already gone home
to Vancouver. I decided to call him, he invited me along on his
trip to Glacier, and we managed to con my parents—not hard to
do—into be-lieving it was a summer trip for college credit. There
really was a course like that so I had all the brochures. Tommy was
a nice guy who had the hots for me but we'd never made it. I
figured this trip would not only let me sort myself out but maybe
reassure me."
"It didn't, though," I guessed.
She nodded grimly. "It was worse. Even worse because he is such a
nice guy. I knew it even before. That roll with Mary Forester had
unlocked something in me and I found myself looking at women in a
whole new way every time I passed them, talked to them, whatever.
Look, I didn't want it. God! Here I was a sexy young woman in
college with a bright future someplace and then this. Of course,
once I came face to face with it I could see that it'd been that
way all
along. I just hadn't considered it,
hadn't wanted to think about it. And now my
whole world was crumbling around me. Choices closed, options
closed. I walked out on Tommy without explaining—I just couldn't
think of what to say, how to tell him—and caught the next boat
through. I could've flown, but I wanted the trip, the time to think
things through and sort things out. All I could think of was that I
couldn't tell my parents—they wouldn't un-derstand, couldn't
understand. They're conservative, solid, all that. The scandal
alone would have killed Mom, at least. But I couldn't just turn my
back on it, either. I wasn't cut out to be celibate. I was still
trying to make my decisions, find a way out for myself short of
suicide, when you showed up and gave me somebody else to think
about. You know the rest."
I nodded. "And what about now? Has anything changed for the
better?" She smiled thoughtfully. "At first, as I said, I was real
upset. I wasn't me any more. I wasn't really free. But where had I
been going, anyway? The more I've thought about this, the better it
seems, the more like a godsend. I'm somebody else and somewhere
else. Cut off from the past completely. No matter what I do now,
it's not my old problems. In a way this has solved my problems. I
don't know if I'm going to still feel the same sexually or not —I
rather think so—but I don't care any more. I can live that life if
it's divorced, now and forever, from my family, friends,
classmates." She sounded genuinely re-lieved, sincerely satisfied,
although it was as if she herself were seeing all this for the
first time. "Dorian Tomlinson is dead," she breathed. "I'm free." I
looked at her and tried to smile a little. Dorian Tomlinson was
dead and she was free, yes, perhaps. But Dorian Tomlinson was also
looking at her and sitting very near her this very moment,
imprisoning a very different sort of person with a different
problem not at all resolved. Chapter Seven
Most of the next day was taken with the testing we'd been told to
expect. It was quite involved and elaborate, with all sorts of
written exams—some forcing pretty bizarre choices—plus interviews,
extensive questions on personal background and attitudes,
everything. There were even a couple of very involved I.Q. tests,
and those results they were willing to tell us. Mine was 162, down
a couple of points from my old tests but well within the margin of
error. Dory's was 144, lower than mine but still well above any
norms, confirming my opinion of her. She was a little disappointed.
"Not quite a genius," she grumped. "The story of my
life."
We hadn't had much time to talk to each other, but after it was all
over, a little after 5 in the afternoon, and we were in the
cafeteria getting a bite to eat, she brought it up
briefly.
"You know our talk last night?"
"Uh huh."
"I was pretty free with the same information today. I tell you,
Vicki, it's like a gigantic weight has been lifted from my
shoulders. I didn't even flinch at the word. I really do think,
maybe for the first time in my life, that I like myself,
that
I'm at peace with myself."
I squeezed her hand. "I'm glad for you," I told her, and I really
was. She smiled back. "I know. The funny thing was, they didn't
seem at all bothered by it. Lesbian. Such a weird word. They even
told me there might be nothing really wrong at all. One of 'em said
it was partly physiological—a function of brain development. I want
to find out more about that angle. If I could know that for a fact
it would kind of, well, knock out the last guilty stab
wound."
I admitted I didn't know much about it, but I pointed out that IMC
was probably the greatest assemblage of experts on the brain and
human behavior ever assem-bled in one place—certainly assembled
with such facili-ties and such a budget. She'd get her answers
here.
We had the evening free, and Dory delighted in show-ing me around
the luxurious facilities. She was almost a different person, half
girl-child, half wise adult, but I knew that she'd probably slept
solidly and without real worries or guilt for the first time in a
couple of months the past night. I found, too, that she was right
about this body I wore. I don't know how many passes men made—I'm
sure I missed some of them—but it was not only annoy-ing, I really
did begin to feel like some kind of object, a pretty piece of art
or sculpture. A part of me wanted to take one of them up on it, to
really be a woman, but I wasn't one, not really.
We'd gotten up early and were, therefore, tired early. I had a
message from Parch that we were cleared now and that we had
tomorrow for the grand tour and then to work. Dory would be placed
in a training program for technicians—she'd have her choice of
several types—while I'd begin the process of making friends with,
and trying to draw out, the mysterious Dan Pauley. I was looking
forward to that.
In one way, at least, Dory's own revelations, her own emotional
outpouring and honesty about herself to oth-ers, had done me some
good. She no longer dreamed of getting this body back, and I was no
longer a caretaker. That made things a little easier on me—I could
begin to think of this as a permanent condition and make my plans
accordingly. Still, I didn't want to think much beyond IMC, at
least not right now. In a sense, I was where I would have wanted to
be had I known of the place in my old existence. An encounter with
aliens from another world was the most momentous act in the history
of modern man, one that would forever change the way human beings
saw themselves and their place in the universe. I was still a
social scientist, and still wanted to be one, and, for that field
as well as the others here, this was the place to be. Parch met us
after breakfast and took us down to Level 10, lower than we'd ever
been allowed before. We were ushered into a large, spacious office
even grander than Parch's, and the sign on the glass door read, "S.
Eisenstadt, Ph.D.—IMC Project Director." I was a little shocked at
that name—hell, I knew Stu Eisenstadt! He'd been on the faculty at
Hopkins until mysteriously leav-ing for "government work" four
years ago. Now I knew what that work was and where he'd
gone.
He came out to meet us and I couldn't help thinking how little he'd
changed.
He always reminded me of a fat Albert
Einstein, even to a thin, reedy, and
slightly ac-cented voice. He'd been in the United States most of
his life but he still couldn't tell the difference between a V and
a W. He stopped when he saw us, gave a look of slight distaste, I
thought, to Parch, then eyed us, eyes lighting up and a large smile
growing under his bushy white moustache. "Vell, vell, vell! You
bring me two beautiful ladies!" He was the kind of person who was
charismatic in an odd way, exuding a grandfatherly warmth you could
feel. He had always been among the most highly re-garded men I
could remember by, those who knew him, always doing favors, always
willing to listen, sympa-thize, give advice. His father, a Lutheran
minister, had died in a concentration camp during World War II and
he remained a deeply, if inwardly, religious man, seeing no
conflict between his science and his faith. He never pushed it on
you; he just lived it and that was far more impressive.
I went up to him and offered my hand. To my surprise he didn't
shake it but took it gently and kissed it. "Dear lady," he said
softly, and suddenly I was yanked back to the present and my own
new form. This wasn't Hopkins, and he was seeing a far different
person he'd never known. "Stuart, it may be hard to believe, but
inside this body is Vic Gonser, an old colleague of
yours."
He grinned broadly, and there was added twinkle in his eyes. "My!
Victor! How you have changed!" He turned to Dory. "And you must be
Miss Dorian Tomlinson." He bent down slightly and repeated the
hand-kissing routine. I cursed myself for underestimating the wily
old bas-tard and not remembering that "Project Director" title on
his door. His often comic personality masked a bril-liant mind
fully as devious as anyone's. Of course, he'd known all about us,
who we were, how and why we were here, all the facts well ahead of
time.
He gestured to chairs and we all took seats except Parch, who
excused himself and left with a few whis-pered words to the
professor we couldn't hear. I couldn't help noticing that the
others in and around the office kept glancing nervously at Parch,
while the security chief was anything but deferential to Stuart.
When Harry Parch left, he seemed to take a black cloud with him.
Eisenstadt sighed. "Vell, Victor! So—it is a great im-provement,
this change in you. I find you positively radiant to look at." He
turned to Dory and said with mock seriousness, "He was a bald
little schmoo of a man ven he vas a he." She giggled, and I could
see she was falling under his spell. "Stuart, I may look different
and you the same, but I have to say I'm surprised to see you
here—surprised and pleased," I told him. "Project Director,
huh?"
He nodded. "This is vere it's all done. Parch, he chases the aliens
and keeps us a secret, but here ve find out how they do it, what
they do, and open up the frontiers of knowledge. I tell you,
Vict—Vicki—that here ve have already taken quantum leaps—quantum
leaps!—in man's knowledge of himself, the most important frontier
you can imagine."
I was interested. "You've made real progress, then?"
"Wery much so. I'll be glad to explain it
to you, but first ve begin at the
beginning, yes? Some old college biology. Ve have not vun brain in
our head, you know, but three. Vun, the medulla oblongata, is the
first, the basic, the primal brain from our reptilian ancestors. It
controls much of our automatic functions. Then there's the
cerebellum, our mammalian brain. Body tempera-ture, blood pressure,
voluntary muscles, that sort of thing. If you have both these you
are perfectly equipped to be an ape, yes? A primitive ape, anyway.
Memory data, too, is mostly stored here. But to use it for anything
but the most basic stuff you need the cerebrum, yes? In computer
terms, the cerebrum is the program-mer, the cerebellum is data
storage, and the medulla is the electric company, you
see?"
I had to laugh at the analogy, which was simple but apt. I would
like to admit that such basic stuff was unnecessary, and it was to
me, but I could see that Dory was getting her memory
jogged.
"Now, that's a simplified model—extremely so." Stuart continued,
"but it's vat ve need for our purposes. Ve will keep to the
computer analogy for all this, but it is important you not think of
the brain as an integrated whole but a series of assembled
components. All right?"
We both nodded.
"All right, then. Ve have known for a long time that the memory
process is basically, holographic—you see complete, integrated
ideas or images in your cerebrum, not individual data bits. Ve had
some success back at Johns Hopkins vith feeding additional
information into the brain in such a manner, but it vas child's
stuff. But this holographic idea vas a wrong direction, even though
it was right. No, don't look at me like that. I mean it. It meant
ve didn't ask the right question next."
"And that was?" I prompted.
"How that information is stored rather than how it is processed,"
he replied. "Look, basically we vould have claimed that what we can
now do vas, if not totally impossible, then unlikely in our
lifetime. What shocked us all was the self evident fact that
complete memory and personalities could be changed with no apparent
physical harm. Incredible! Impossible! But a fact. The process
itself is so complex that it defies rational expla-nation among my
colleagues. The fact is, like gravity and magnetism, ve're not
quite sure how it works but ve know it does."
"You can do it, then?"
He shrugged. "Not vat these aliens do, no. They do in moments vat
it takes this entire complex of the most sophisticated computers to
do. No machines, no vorry, just touch and pfft! It is something
inside them, something to do with the nature of what they really
are. I think they are some sort of energy creatures, bound together
in a complex pattern, that needs a body to vork. They are born in
bodies, yes, same as ve, but they are not that body. They are
symbiotic organisms inside animal bodies, although they can not
exist outside bod-ies at all. So, vat they do naturally ve are not
physically equipped to do. But if they can do it to us, there is a
vay, vith technology, for us to do it to us." "I'm sitting here
listening to all this," I said, "in a body so different from
my
own it's incredible, yet it's still hard
to believe."
He nodded. "I know, I know. I don't believe it myself sometime.
But, let's make a try at it, yes? Let's start by saying that the
brain is everything. The most incredible, complex, and vonderful
computer ever designed. It is made up of cells called neurons that
are so densely packed that there are one hundred thousand of them
in a square inch! And interconnected by ten thousand miles or more
of nerves. The whole brain contains over ten trillion neurons—a
staggering number, bigger than ve can really conceive. So much ve
don't live long enough to fill it all up.
"But the brain is a prisoner, you see, an isolated thing with no
sensations, not even pain. It is totally input-dependent for its
information, and this input comes from everyvere else in our
bodies—eyes, ears, nose, throat, and the nerve cells that cover our
bodies inside and out. It can be fooled—that is the basis of
hypnosis. If it can be convinced by its receptors, its input, that
something false is true, it accepts it. It has no independent vay
of checking out that information." I glanced over at Dory and saw
her rapt attention. Stuart was a good teacher, and he was obviously
relish-ing the role once more. "Now, input—sensory data, whether it
be light, shape, color, anything—is sent to the brain and routed to
the proper place for it," he continued. "It indexes by area.
There's really no difference in the neurons, but our genes set up a
pattern, a matrix if you will, that the brain follows as its own
unique coding and indexing system. Evolution, in other vords,
produced an incredibly effi-cient indexing system. Each individual
matrix is unique, like fingerprints, and so our first problem is
how to discover how the brain indexes for each personality—their
identity matrix, you might call it. Ve do this by a sophisticated
probe—actually millions of tiny energy probes—that finally find the
right place and are able to plug in, as it were, to the
individual's brain. The process is new—invented here—and quite
complex."
"You don't have to shave the head and drill, then?" Dory put in. He
chuckled. "Oh, no. At the start, yes, but no more. It is necessary
only to establish a direct, electrical connec-tion to the brain.
The Urulu, they do it at almost any set of nerve ends in the body,
but ve believe there is actual entry by the Urulu organism along
the nervous system and into the brain. Ve based our own work on
that hypothesis and it vorked. Our computer system and probes is
the mechanical replacement for the organic, as it were, Urulu."
"But you said each matrix was unique," I pointed out. "So how can
you replace one pattern for another?"
"Veil, ve start by shooting tremendous amounts of stimuli into the
cerebrum directly. You say 'name' and your name is brought forth
into the cerebrum. The com-puter seizes on that and follows it
back, and so on. But after a vile it can ask questions far faster
than ve, and it asks millions of them per second. Ultimately it
learns the code, the matrix, for the information center and can
track down miscellaneous material until it has complete access to
memory storage. It generally needs an external stimuli—like us
asking questions—to start, then it takes over, and, at computer
speed, it still takes twenty or more minutes, sometimes longer, to
completely map a matrix. At the end it is just
recognizing
the existence of data, of course, not
caring vat that data is."
I was starting to feel a little uneasy about what he was saying.
The idea of mapping the memory, the very core of being, of an
individual like Rand McNally did roads was unsettling.
"Now, let's go back to the brain itself," Eisenstadt went on.
"Although retrieval is holographic, storage is not really so. The
hologram is constructed in the cere-brum from retrieved data. How
is that data stored? Vell, all the input, all the information from
your senses, goes to the cerebrum—but not as you perceive them. All
external stimuli are instantly converted into brain language—and
that brain language is chemical in na-ture. But there are two
languages. One, the holographic one, is transmitted to the brain.
There it is broken down into bytes of information and recoded. Each
byte becomes a synapse, a chemical messenger that is hustled along
and routed by a tiny electrical impulse. Each little messenger gets
to the brain where neurons route it, according to the matrix, to
its proper place. When it gets to that proper place the individual
neuron in charge, as it vere, make a tiny copy in its own
individual language. All this at incredible speed, you understand.
Like trillions of tiny chemical tape recorders, infinitely
specialized, who record the message ven the chemical messenger runs
past its little recording head. "Ven you remember something, or use
something, or need to retrieve something, then the command is sent
out from the real 'you'—your cerebral cortex, or com-mand
center—and, instantly, the little bits of informa-tion that apply
rush back with copies of the information needed—copies, note, the
original stays there—where the cerebrum reintegrates this
information into a holographic picture. An idea. A memory. You name
it. Natu-rally, the information that is most frequently used is
easiest to get at. The less it is used the more difficult it is to
get at that information—you 'try to remember' but can't, quite,
because you have had no need for it for so long the track is
overgrown with veeds. It has to be this way. Most information you
get from cradle to grave simply isn't needed or relevant, no matter
how big it vas at the time, and it is stored avay in the cranial
closet, so to speak, to make room in the more efficient areas for
more pressing stuff. Once out of the main matrix and off in that
closet, it becomes hard to find, like any attic overfilled with
unused and unvanted stuff, becoming even harder as you grow older
as those closets fill with all the junk. That's why much of the
brain appears to be doing nothing and ve don't even miss some of
that stuff if it has to be removed, say, in an operation." "Does
the brain ever—erase?" Dory asked hesitantly. I got the impression
she was a bit unsettled by all this, too. "Oh, yes," he replied.
"Sometimes it's accidental. Sometimes it's the result of an
injury—repairs inside the brain may require it. Self-repairs, I
mean. In fact, some of it is automatically erased very qvickly. Vy
should it bother to keep instructions it gave to the
gastrointestinal tract for digesting a specific meal when you vere
three? So, after a decent interval, it erases and generally keeps
this sort of expendable information in one area for con-stant
reuse. So, to sum, the neurons store the informa-tion, the synapses
feed the input to the brain, copy and transmit stored input, and
erase. They also do much more, of course—they
create enzymes that do different things
in and to the brain and the like in
response to stimuli."
"That explains the brain in layman's terms," I agreed, "but not how
the Urulu swap minds."
"Ah, the Urulu. Vell, vat they do seems to go something like this.
By simple touch they are able to plug into anyone's nervous system
the same as our computer. Automatically, in no more than a few
seconds, they are able to do vat ve vith our huge computer take
half an hour or so to do—get a complete picture of your matrix,
and, as such, know exactly vere and how your informa-tion is stored
and processed. And they know instinct-ively what to ignore—the
automatic functions, for example. Then they are able to order the
neurons to disgorge this information and it flows in an
electro-chemical rush to the point of contact and from there to the
Urulu brain. The same thing happens to the other matrix, which
flows, simultaneously, in the opposite direction. The amazing thing
is not only is the exchange complete in both directions, without
disrupting the body functions, but it is accompanied by a 'carrier'
signal, as it were, which is the exact opposite of the information
being extracted. In other words, the neurons receive a signal that
is absolutely complimentary to the chemical code they already are
storing—in effect canceling it out. The effect is that each brain
rearranges itself into an exact chemical copy of the other. Not a
hundred percent, mind you—memories, personality, yes, but not vat
is necessary to keep the body going, to manage the unique physical
body into which it is now placed. Vether this is an actual transfer
of information or vether this is simply a rearrangement is
something ve don't really understand yet, although ve tend to think
it is a rear-rangement rather than an actual exchange considering
the speed at vich it is done. If memory, personality, whatever is
chemically stored, then prior information is duplicated by the
other brain and then totally erased in the original by giving such
commands to the cerebral cortexes of each brain and a channel
through which the information needed may be exchanged." "Then—I'm
not really Victor Gonser at all," I said, feeling a little hollow
and distant. "Dory's mind just thinks it's me. And that Indian
girl, whoever she was, just thinks she's Dory."
Stuart shrugged. "If all that vas you, your id, ego, superego, all
the memories and bits of information that went into forming them,
your identity matrix, in other words, is duplicated exactly—vat is
the difference? I think of it as an exchange of souls in a
marvellously mathematical way." "These chemical messages—you
already said false ones could be sent and that total erasure was
possible," Dory put in, thankfully changing the subject. "You also
said that the computer can figure out our entire filing sys-tem.
Does that mean what I think it means?"
"If you are thinking vat I think you're thinking, then, yes. An
unforseen side product, but a revolutionary dis-covery. In its own
vay the equivalent of atomic energy—with the same potential both
vays." I suddenly felt very stupid. "What are you two talking
about?" "Selective memory," Dory responded. "If that com-puter
tells you you're Joan of Arc you'll set the fire
yourself."
"It is a fact," Stuart admitted. "Ve can
read out the mind and record it, even
store it like Beethoven sym-phonies are recorded. Feed it into any
mind. It's still very primitive right now, and there are too many
risks to try it on humans, but it is coming, it is
coming!"
I felt sick. "And anything that can be digitally recorded can be
selectively doctored."
Stuart nodded, apparently not bothered by that. "Oh, yes. Ve have
high hopes that ve can bypass brain disor-ders, cure cerebral
palsy, for example, epilepsy, and other such things. Do away vith
dyslexia. Perhaps, even-tually, be able to order cancer cells to
self-destruct. The potential for ending much human misery and
suffering is unlimited!"
I grew increasingly uneasy, and I could see Dory was the same way.
"You could also turn an entire popula-tion into loyal, loving,
obedient slaves." The scientist shrugged. "Like all discoveries,
the po-tential for abuse is awesome. It is our responsibility, our
trust, to see that it does not happen. Fortunately, ve have much
time—the technology involved in such a thing is not yet here, and,
for now, ve alone have it. But ve cannot unlearn vat ve have
learned, cannot undo vat ve have done any more than the atomic
genie could be pushed back into the bottle once released. It is a
grave responsibility, but it is no more grave than other great
discoveries of mankind. Ve have the responsibility vether ve vant
it or not, and, as always, ve puny little fallible humans have to
deal with it. Considering how far ve have come to now, I think ve
vill." An assistant brought Stuart and Dory tea and me coffee. I
couldn't help thinking about the potential, and wondering about the
possibilities of abuse. I looked around at the people at IMC and
thought about the others I'd met. Except for Parch they seemed very
ordi-nary people, middle-level bureaucrats in administration,
technicians and scientists and their families as well. Not evil
threatening people. Not headed by Stuart, particu-larly, one of the
finest men I'd ever known. Still, they would worry me, particularly
Parch. In the hands of such a man as he, the pontential was
horrible. It was Dory who shifted subject again, possibly partly in
self-defense against thinking too hard on what was bothering me.
"What about genetics?" she asked Stuart. "I mean, you can't change
the genetic code when you change this information in the brain."
"I'll admit that is a puzzle," Eisenstadt admitted. "There are so
many things about a person that are determined by his physiology
and science is no closer to solving the heredity-versus-environment
debate now than twenty years ago. Perhaps people like you vill
eventu-ally solve the puzzle, although there is debate even on
that. After all, your personalities were shaped by your original
genetic and other makeup and might by this time be too fixed to be
measurably changed. Maybe not. If you find out vill you tell us?"
We both laughed, and Dory kept to this point for a reason I slowly
started understanding.
"What sort of things are you certain are genetically caused?" she
asked him. He shrugged. "Studies vith tvins have shown a little but
it is more puzzling than before. They make a great thing about
identical twins separated at birth
using the same shaving lotion—but might
that not be because their taste and
smell are the same so the same stuff vould be pleasurable? Ve don't
know." "What about—sex?" she pressed, becoming obvious. "Sex is
obviously genetic in the most basic sense," Stuart replied, at
first missing the real question. "The degree of sex and of sexual
response is partly a matter of enzyme and hormone production, stuff
like that. You can be oversexed or undersexed, for example, even in
the drive, as determined by your genetic make-up. Beyond that,
though, so many cultural factors go into it that it is hard to say.
Victor, here, vas Victor for thirty-five years and is now Vicki,
but not in the usual sex-change vay. Fully functioning, vith all
the body's genetic drives, hormones, that sort of thing. I vould
suspect the head to respond to vomen and the body to men, vich vill
give you the life of a real svinger for a vile—but you vill settle
down into vichever pattern body and mind com-promise on, feel best
vith, over the long run."
"That was my body," Dory pointed out.
"I'm avare of that."
"Doc—I was a lesbian."
That stopped him, but only for a moment. He thought over the
possiblities, then said, "Veil, that puts a little more of a strain
on Vicki, here. There is a tiny area in the cerebellum discovered
in 1980, a small group of neurons that is normally sexually
consistent—it looks vun vay in men, the other in vomen. It came out
of studies to see if the male and female brain differed in any
significant vay. Now, this is not the cause of all homosexual
tendencies—much of it is psychological and environmental. But it
has been found that some vomen have the male configuration—not
many, but some—and some men have the female. Who knows vy? A
mistake in genetic coding? A mutation? Something the mama drank?
Extreme sexual mirror-imaging vas found in hermaph-rodites, but a
small but important percentage have the thing tilted a bit towards
the wrong sex, if you'll par-don me. It might cause
extra—complications—for Victor if that body's sexual identity
center is more male than female. Only time vill tell—or, of course,
ve could do a computer scan and find out." "You mean hook me up to
your computer? Uh uh, Stuart. Not now, anyway. I've had enough
fooling around with my mind for the time being." He chuckled
softly. "Come. I vill show you the heart of IMC and maybe you vill
not feel so bad."
We got up and left the office, going down a hall to a set of large
double doors with all sorts of security warn-ings on them. He
ignored them and held the doors for us to pass inside.
The room was huge, looking more like the control center for some
space system than anything related to biology. An orange
wall-to-wall carpet went around the floor in a semi-circle, but it
was almost obscured by the computer terminals, control centers and
chairs, that made it seem like Mission Control. They all faced a
raised semicircular platform carpeted in light green, on which sat
two large chairs looking like nothing so much as dental chairs with
large beauty-parlor hair dryers attached. Enormous masses of cable
ran from the chair assemblies into the floor.
"The soul of IMC," Stuart told us with
obvious pride.
We walked onto the orange-carpeted area and Stuart went over to a
large and forbidding looking console. He opened the top and reached
down, removing from it a ruby-colored translucent cube perhaps a
foot square. He handed it to me and I looked at it curiously. It
weighed no more than two or three pounds at best. I handed it back
and asked, "What is it?" "A digital recording module," he replied.
"Inside it can be stored over ten trillion bytes of information. In
a sense, a couple of these can hold the sum total of a human
brain's knowledge and experience. It is a revolu-tionary vay of
storing information and the key to our progress here. The
equivalent of tventy thousand kilometers of magnetic tape fifty
centimeters wide. Two or three of these, in the computer system,
and ve can record and play back a human mind." I shivered. "Then
you can actually remove informa-tion from the brain, like they
can?"
He nodded. "Yes, yes, ve can do that. It is simply a matter of
applying the correct electrical signal at the correct point in the
cerebral cortex. Ve can now get a readout."
I looked down at Dory and thought that her expres-sion must be
matched by my own face. "So can you—switch minds?"
"Ve are not that far along yet, although ve are very close. So far
ve have managed first to copy someone's identity matrix and store
it on the cubes. Then it was but a short step to learning how to
erase as ve recorded. Ve can take it out and erase now, and put it
back in the same head from which it vas took, vith no apparent
loss. In fact, ven ve do that the person always remembers much more
of their life, seems to think a bit more clearly. Remember—ve are
cleaning out not only the active memory and personality but also
that attic full of forgotten junk, opening new pathways to it and
for it. It becomes accessible again. But only for a vile. Since it
vas stored there in the first place because it vas no longer
needed, it fades with disuse, in a veek or two at the most." I
nodded to myself. "Yes, I remember the first time I got switched. I
seemed to remember things back to babyhood and everything seemed so
crisp and clear, like my I.Q. had been doubled. But it faded." "Can
you—put people back into other bodies?" Dory asked hesitantly. He
saw her concern and smiled reassuringly. "No. Not yet. Not really,
anyvay. Tolerances are too critical. Ve just don't know enough.
There is anyvere from a ten to fifty percent insertion loss, or the
information is there but can't be gotten at. The roadblock seems to
be the brain vaves, the woltage inside the head. It, too, is
dif-ferent for different people and the old values won't do since
that would interfere with the autonomic functions of the body ve
don't touch. The values of the new body aren't matched to vat the
old matrix system is used to. It appears there is an almost
no-tolerance compromise between vat the input needs and the new
body requires that is unique with each individual. But the Urulu
find it—find it and automatically match it in moments. Vun day,
perhaps soon, ve vill find it, too."
And, somehow, I knew he would. I shuddered at the idea of an
"insertion loss" of ten to fifty percent. An I.Q. 150 might become
a below-normal I.Q. 75.
Stuart had to go about his business after
that, and we left him in the
command center of IMC. We headed for the cafeteria, although
neither of us felt like eating. I, for one, felt the need to sit
down and get control of myself for a few moments.
"It scares the hell out of me," I told Dory. "Right now he can read
us out and store us in little cubes. You know it won't be long
before they'll know how to switch. Considering how far they've come
in such a short time now, it could be today, or tomorrow. Certainly
it's a matter of months, not years. And all that will be put in the
hands of men like Harry Parch. Worse. Can you imagine them with a
bunch of bodies, clearing them out, then feeding Parch's recording
into all of them? An army of Harry Parches. He wouldn't need his
makeup kit any more." "It's worse than that, if you remember our
earlier conversation with Eisenstadt," Dory replied. "Look, I
own—used to own—a good digital tape recorder. Puts the signal on
tape as a binary code, millions of tiny dots, each representing a
single element of the music. Mine won't edit much—it's a cheap
model—but at the store where I got it they had this real fancy
kind, the kind professional recording companies and TV companies
use. They had a string quartet—four instruments playing together—on
tape. They used to show what you could do with an editor by
removing one instrument—the violin, say—and replacing it with a
piccolo playing the same part. Sounded stupid and weird, but that
com-puter tape recorder-editor of theirs could figure out which
little dots applied only to violins—even reverb, echo, you name
it—then separate it from all the other sounds and replace
it."
For a moment I didn't see it, but suddenly it hit me. Holographic
memory… That meant that the brain didn't store your name, for
example, in a billion places. Inefficient. It stored that in one
place and went to it when forming its thoughts. If they learned
which little digital dots, which bytes of information, were which,
and could locate your name as easily as the musical engineer
located Dory's violin, they could replace that information when
reading it back into you. Edit your memories.
"You see what I mean," she said gravely. "They could redo
everybody. We'd be happy little robots. And Dr. Eisenstadt seemed
so nice." "He is," I assured her. "I'm sure he and his colleagues
are thinking along the lines he said. Curing disease, treating
hopeless mental illness, that sort of thing." "These people—the
ones we've met they seem like decent sorts, I guess. They have
husbands and wives and kids and many live on the surface, in normal
homes, having normal family lives. They join the PTA, play tennis,
laugh at comedies, bowl. Am I wrong to be so afraid?" I reached
over and squeezed her hand. "No, you're not. History is on the side
of your nightmares, I'm afraid. Oh, I doubt if anybody here, even
Parch, is acting from selfish, power-seeking motives. Whatever they
do with this power they will do for the best of reasons, from the
purest of motives. Their psychiatric screening is damned good, as
good as for the guys who fire the nuclear mis-siles in case of
atomic war—and we've never had one fired incorrectly yet. But good
motives don't make ac-tions good. These people aren't monsters or
crazy dictator types, they're worse—middle-level
government
bure-aucrats and naive scientists. But
consider—I'll just bet there is, or soon will
be, a Genetic Research Center that's the equivalent of IMC
somewhere. So that IMC and GRC combined can produce the sanest,
healthiest, most perfect human specimens government bureaucrats can
devise. Perfect people made to order—a glorious ideal. Without
hatred, without prejudice, all equal. And all somebody else's
idea—and ideal—of perfection." She shivered. "What a horrible idea.
Surely there must be something we can do about it."
I shook my head slowly from side to side. "There isn't much. The
only thing that might undo it would be the full glare of publicity.
And, no matter what Parch said, we're prisoners here, really, Dory.
They aren't going to let us out of here until they can be assured
of our silence. And as long as they are in a wartime type
situa-tion, with everybody concerned with meeting an alien menace
from the stars, they'll have a Harry Parch around to make sure
nothing gets out." I sighed. "We're in the position of knowing the
danger, but we have to sit back and hope somebody else blows the
whistle. It's out of our hands, damn it." "At least they aren't
there yet," she said, trying to convince herself that there was
some light at the end of the tunnel. That very afternoon they put
me to work. By this time Dan Pauley had been transferred to a more
automated and more secure glass cage, and I was able to work
without a lot of gunslingers around. Remote monitoring would stop
Pauley before he could do just about anything; a rat caught in a
very frustrating trap. This left me with Jeff Overmeyer as the one
man always there for my sessions with the alien. Overmeyer was a
nice young technician who oversaw the technical aspects of my
talks, made certain the recordings were clear and that all systems
in the alien's security were working properly. Although officially
Parch's man, a security man, he was neither as sinister nor as
secretive as his boss and generally tended to be a really nice guy.
It wasn't an act, either, and more than once I suspected that the
usual government games were being played and that he might be
Eisenstadt's man in Parch's orga-nization the same as Parch
undoubtedly had people with Eisenstadt's technician crew. Both men
were co-equals who often got in each other's way, and both would be
always trying to circumvent the other.
As for Pauley, he seemed to enjoy talking, particularly with me,
although never about things he didn't want to discuss. Overmeyer
assured me that they had already tried the drugs and other tricks
short of physical torture on Pauley and found him not only
impervious, as he'd said, but infuriatingly amused by their
attempts. It was up to me.
Some things I learned explained a little. The Urulu didn't like
airplanes, for example. I found it amusing that a race that flew
across countless light-years of space was terrified of airplanes,
so much so that they'd gone from car to train to horseback to ferry
in Alaska rather than easily circumvent Parch by switching bodies
se-cretly and taking a plane south. It was an odd bit of alien
psychology that helped remind me that this nor-mal, pleasant young
man was neither normal nor a man. The best explanation I got was
that the normal Urulu form was so different from ours that their
normal environment posed its greatest threat in
changes in pres-sure. Although unaffected
physically by small changes while in
human form, their inborn alien fear of such a thing was so great
they couldn't bring themselves to do it. It was a handy fact,
anyway, as Overmeyer pointed out. It meant they didn't have to
check airplanes and airports as much, and that a really good test
of whether a body was taken over or not might be to take them for a
plane ride.
They'd played pressurization games on Pauley here, but it hadn't
worked. The terror was so complete that the knee-jerk reaction he
had was to pass out cold. Nobody won again.
As to how the Urulu switched bodies, he was no help at all. Not
that he withheld much information—he just didn't know. It was like
raising your right arm, or blink-ing, or anything else normal—you
just did it, that's all. About the Urulu he was no other real help,
although he was willing to discuss his enemies, a group that
translated out as The Association. The master races of that
alliance had apparently developed the technique mechanically, much
as IMC was trying to do, and had hit upon our wildest nightmares.
It was odd, in fact, how much Dan's description of the Association
matched Dory's and my own fears about IMC. Theirs was a race—the
original one—that had used the process to create "perfect" people
according to an idealized standard. It was a dull, soulless,
mechanical society but everybody was happy because they couldn't be
anything else, and nobody had any doubts, fears, jealousies, nor
love, hate, or any of the emotions we would recognize. Their sole
drive, their sole aim, was to bring that driving "perfection" to
all sentient races in the universe. They would find a race on a
world, study it in cool, computer-like terms, analyze the
"imperfections" of the society and the race—and the world—and then
slowly, surreptitiously, they would worm their way in, gain
converts, create a force of native devotees, and eventually they
would gain the seat of power in each and every nation, tribe, you
name it. The world, then, could be easily remade.
"That's why the very existence of IMC worries us," Pauley told me.
"We don't think they've found it yet, or infiltrated it yet, but
it's tailor-made for them to take over. If, of course, it doesn't
become a homemade and homegrown version of The Association without
their help." That last, I think, disturbed me more than any
exter-nal threat. I asked him what his people would do if they
discovered IMC. "Destroy it, certainly," he responded instantly.
"But not the minds who created it. Just the physical
plant.
With that done, they would then try to enlist the Earth as an ally
against The Association. Space and potential immortality in
exchange for fighting a war Earth had a stake in
winning."
"That didn't seem your direction as of Alaska," I pointed out
coolly. He shrugged. "Alaska was another era. If my people now knew
just of IMC and how much progress it had made they might well
destroy the entire planet, writing it off as lost to The
Association." That was a chilling thought. "So we have the
coopera-tion of the dead? Some alliance!"
"No, no! You must understand Earth, as I
said, is very peculiar. Evolution
went a wildly different way here. That's why we needed the bodies
and had to come all this way to get them. Maybe ten, fifteen
planets out of tens of thousands, went your way. There is some,
well, prejudice there, of course. The belief that such a world and
such a race can't develop the kind of human quali-ties we see as
valuable. You see, the mother race of The Association was more like
yours than ours. My people would have to be convinced that Earth
wouldn't inevi-tably take The Association's path. Soulless, we call
such races. But I've been here. I know you're capable of the kind
of qualities we value so highly—individuality, love, warmth,
feeling, caring for one another. They looked and saw only the bad
points—the terrible hatred and prejudices on such petty grounds,
the dehumanizing philosophies, the cruelty and hatred and
suspicion. If my people could be convinced that you are not on one
side of the ledger but poised on the line, able to go both ways,
they'd fall over backwards to make sure this planet developed its
true potential for greatness." "And who will convince them?" I
asked skeptically. "You? If we let you go will you usher in this
great new era? Even if you could, why should we believe you? Why
trust you to do that?"
He just shook his head sadly. "No, I don't know if I could convince
them. I'm not sure how to do it in the limited amount of time we'd
have to make a decision. Even if I'd get listened to by somebody
who could make such a decision." He hesitated, then concluded, his
tone one of total defeat, "And I have no way at all to show that
I'm not a dirty villain lying through my teeth. That's what's so
frustrating, Vicki—knowing what has to be done, and knowing that
you can't do a damned thing about it, not even knowing if you could
if you had the chance."
I nodded sadly. I knew exactly what he was feeling. It was close
enough to home I felt more comfortable chang-ing the subject.
"Dan—why do your people need live bodies at all? Why wouldn't
cloning do as well?"
"It won't work," he told me. "Don't ask me why but it won't. An
experienced, complex mind just doesn't mesh right with a cloned
body that has no history of its own. If you raise the clone as a
total individual, yes it'll work—but not an unused mind grown for
that pur-pose." He looked apologetic. "When you think of Earth
people the way most Urulu do, as little more than com-plex animals,
it's easier just to nab bodies as you need them." Every day I was
continually fighting off men's ad-vances. I began to realize what
Dory meant by beauty being a curse. All men seemed to think they
were God's gift to women, none seemed to think I could do anything
for myself, and, since very few knew that I was not born in this
body, all assumed I was "making it" regularly with somebody or
other. Trouble was, this damned body looked good in a potato
sack.
I found what relief I could in masturbation but couldn't bring
myself to anything more overt, although I hardly lacked for
opportunity even with a few of the women around, lesbians
themselves. They were more tolerant of such things at IMC, where
the brain was the object and the subject. Ultimately, though,
I
knew I would have to face up to the
problem, since my body was more and
more insistent and had far greater needs than my old one had, and,
of course, I badly needed some sort of companionship in this cold,
underground city. Dory was around, of course, but not much after a
while, as her training program took her to far distant levels and
re-quired a lot of practice and studying. Besides, I told myself,
she'd found her new life, her new start. I still felt that I owed
her, but she didn't necessarily feel the same towards me, and I
couldn't blame her. I was also, now, experiencing menstruation, and
it still shocked me every time my "period" came. It was messy,
smelly, uncomfortable, you name it, and every month on the first
day of it I got the most horrible, debilitating cramps I'd ever
experienced. The IMC med-ical staff prescribed some stuff which
helped enormously, but I was still experiencing the underside of
what it was like to be a woman, and the physical discomfort and
mental shifts were far greater than I'd ever realized from the
viewpoint of being a man. I was pretty well reconciled to being in
this body the rest of my life, though. That, at least, grew easier
every day. I no longer awoke with a feeling of surprise at who and
what I was, and I'd long ago gotten used to the bras, the odd
feeling of women's undergarments, not to mention all the cosmetic
stuff, hair care, and the rest. Real high heels were still a bit
beyond me, but I was practicing, in the private places, and I was
also con-sciously studying and imitating women's mannerisms, ways
of walking, that sort of thing. I was a long way from being
completely natural, but it was coming. I wanted to fit. And that,
finally, brought me to the decision point. I had to know about
myself, and that meant taking the plunge. There was no question as
to who would be the first experiment. Jeff Overmeyer had been the
closest thing I had to a confidant and friend since Dory'd gotten
so busy, and he was young, experienced with women, knew my
background but didn't mind, and had never once pushed himself on me
or treated me as other than an equal. I liked him a lot, even if I
didn't fully trust him, and although I hesitated for weeks I was
the one who finally made the first move.
After, coming back to my quarters, I saw that Dory was still up and
went in to tell her.
"Well, you don't look any worse for wear," she noted. "What did you
think?" "I don't know what I think," I told her honestly. "It
was—well, strange. On the one hand, I'm now convinced that women
get a little more out of it than men. A man's only got one place to
feel it, while we've got four." "We," she noted. "You are
adjusting."
I shrugged. "On the one hand, it felt really good. On the other,
well, it felt wrong. I kept wanting to be the aggressor, for one
thing. And while the preliminaries were fine, during intercourse I
kept wanting to stick it in, to feel that total sensation, and
instead I had a whole different set of feelings. Not unpleasant, in
any way, but not what I knew he was feeling. Put it down to mixed
reviews, I guess. I haven't gone sour on the deal, although the
idea of a blow job is pretty repulsive."
"Did he come?"
"Yes."
"Did you get off?"
I hesitated, then replied, "No."
She just nodded for a moment, then asked, "Did he use a condom? Or
have you started on the pill?"
I felt a slight shock go through me. "No on all counts," I said
uneasily. "Jesus! How far along are you? How long since your last
period?" "I thought a moment. "Two weeks. I'm about mid-way." "Holy
shit! You took a chance there! Or do you plan to have his baby?" I
just sat there, stunned, for a bit. It simply hadn't occurred to
me. Dory whistled. "You're really in the club now. You got two
weeks or more of heavy sweating to do. As much as you hate your
period, you're gonna be praying for it to come. And if it doesn't,
and the feds don't do abor-tions here, you're gonna go through more
than I ever did. Now you're really gonna find out what it's like to
be a woman."
Chapter Eight
The next three weeks were among the most misera-ble of my life. I
grew increasingly nervous and irritable, and even throwing myself
into the reports and mounds of paperwork on Pauley and the Urulu
didn't help. I screwed up form after form, couldn't type worth a
damn, and every little thing made me furious where in other
circumstances I'd have laughed them off. I was a holy terror to be
around and I knew it, but I just couldn't help it. I certainly
didn't blame Jeff Overmeyer. In fact, I didn't even tell him,
although he didn't quite escape blame in my mind. I was irritated
with myself, of course, for not thinking things through, and the
primary blame was mine, but there seemed something unfair about the
fact that he had assumed that I had taken precautions rather than
think along those lines himself. Score another one culturally for
men, I thought sourly, realizing that, as a man myself, in my very
infrequent sexual acts not once had I considered any kind of male
birth control. Dory tried to cheer me up by noting how much against
the odds any intercourse leading to pregnancy was, but I was sure
that the venerated Murphy's basic law would apply. When I was a
week late, I got one of those home pregnancy test kits from the
pharmacy and tried it, only to get some chemical confirmation of my
worst fears. I was pregnant.
The very news, knowing for sure that the worst had happened, calmed
me a bit, since, at least, it outlined a series of actions. I knew
from the start that I wasn't ready for this sort of thing, not yet,
anyway, and that left abortion as the only option. The trouble was,
the medical facilities at IMC were entirely governed by government
regulations, and while they see-sawed on the abortion question and
had for many years they cur-rently didn't allow it in government
facilities except to save the life of the mother. I was furious at
this—they didn't have to carry the kid, let alone bear it under
these circumstances—but they wouldn't let me take the only obvious
way out. There seemed a particular irony
to my problem, since we were of
undetermined status (although officially on the
government payroll) at IMC and it had been many months since either
Dory or I had seen the sun. I wasn't about to take this, though,
and finally confessed the problem to Jeff.
He arranged an appointment with Harry Parch. I'd seen almost
nothing of the man since the first few days at IMC, and I'd had the
impression that he'd been away more than here which suited
everybody just fine, but walking into his office once again I found
him the same cool fish, only more cruel and infuriating than ever.
"So you got knocked up and you're stuck," he said with a trace of
amusement. I grew furious at his tone and felt myself becoming
flush with anger, yet I held it in. No matter what kind of slimy
eel the man was, he was the only one who could help.
So instead of yelling at him, I just replied, "I'm in trouble, I
have a problem, and my status here keeps mefrom resolving it. I'm
asking—pleading—for your help. It's only a problem because of your
goddamned govern-ment restrictions." He nodded. "I'll agree that
the situation is compli-cated beyond normal bounds. Just what do
you want me to do about it? I can't order the clinic to ignore
those policies—the folks that slap them on pay our bills and our
salaries. Frankly, my influence just doesn't extend into the
medical field." "I know that. They already explained that to me.
But we're in Nevada, a state with liberal laws on almost
everything. I've talked to several women here, and they tell me
there are abortion clinics in Las Vegas." "I thought it was
something like that." He sighed. "I don't mind telling you that you
present me with a real problem, since you certainly know too much
at this point for true security's sake." He paused, hands
to-gether, thinking it over. Finally he said, "However, I can
sympathize with your situation. If it were strictly up to me,
there'd be no problem. I doubt if you could do much harm anyway,
unless you ran into some Urulu. You're too trusting, too much of an
idealist. Tell you what, though—I'll pass this on to the full
Directorate of IMC, which includes myself and Dr. Eisenstadt, and
recom-mend we allow it. It could be a little while, though, so
you'll have to just grin and bear it until then. Everyone's not
here right now and I have to leave again shortly for Washington." I
had a sinking feeling. "How long?"
He shrugged. "As soon as possible. That's all I can promise."
"It'll have to do," I agreed, resignedly. I had, naturally, talked
all this over with Dory, and she seemed interested in the idea of
me getting out, however briefly. "Look, I've been in lots of places
you haven't," she told me. "I told you about some of the things
I've seen." She had been giving me regular reports, since my own
areas of IMC were now routinely familiar but off the beaten track.
It was clear that IMC was experimenting on human beings, starting
with some terminally ill vol-unteers from various government
hospitals. Close to death and without hope, these people had
allowed themselves to be placed in the two sinister chairs
downstairs. Early results, rumor said, had been very encouraging.
Finally some volunteers who were themselves on the project had
been
tested—with horribly mixed results.
Bright young men and women who now had
pieces of themselves missing, muddled, or scrambled, now kept
around in whatever menial tasks they could do until the bugs were
worked out. Eisenstadt, it had been said, opposed the experiments
at this point but was overruled by the Pentagon bosses in
Washington who were desperate for results. Now he was working
eighteen-hour days and seven-day weeks to break the puzzle,
because, of course, those damaged people had had their "identity
matrices" recorded prior to the experiment. He was determined to
restore them. It rang true to me, first because it sounded like
Stuart, and also because the pressures would be mounting. From my
security contacts, mostly through Jeff, I had learned of some
independent confirmation that a second alien group might well be
operating and that the Urulu story might not be just a common
bluff. If the Urulu scared them, The Association practically
terrified them, not just because of its philosophy (since we had no
real way of knowing if the Urulu were any better) but because it
represented Earth as a potential battleground between two superior
alien forces and technologies, helpless to do anything about it.
The pressure to crack the last bits of the identity matrix puzzle
would be enormous.
That they would do it neither Dory nor I doubted. But when they
did—what would they do with it, these faceless, nameless Pentagon
bosses? It made some sort of public disclosure even more
imperative. Time passed, though, with my own problems taking on
more urgency than the larger, global picture. If they went too long
without a decision, I might have to have a far more dangerous and
drastic type of abortion and that scared me most of all. I began to
think that, in spite of everything, I might have to bear the
child.
Nine weeks after that fateful intercourse I finally got a summons
to Parch's office once again. He looked tired and haggard and not
at all in the mood for trivialities like me. Still, he said, "All
right. They approved it. We’ve made an appointment for you at one
of these places for one tomorrow afternoon, and will, of course,
deduct the considerable cost from your account here. Obermeyer will
drive you there and stick with you. It's almost a three-hour drive,
and who knows how long there so we've approved your staying at a
motel in town for the night, then driving back in the morning. I
picked Overmeyer because he's at least partially responsible for
this, but it'll be his head if anything, and I mean anything, goes
wrong. His and yours, too. Understand?" "I understand," I nodded
glumly.
"Oh—the motel's on you, too. We'll pay for the gas." "Thanks a
lot," I muttered sourly, and left him. I met Dory for lunch—she was
now working in one of the computer centers as an operator,
seemingly enjoy-ing it, although she had some problems with
everyone taking a thirteen-year-old kid seriously as a
co-worker—and told her the news.
She brightened at the news I was getting out. "Look," she
whispered, her tone becoming somewhat conspira-torial, "while
you're there you can get word out."
I was startled. "To who? And how? I'm not
going to be alone—except for,
well, you know… "
"You've gotta know somebody's home phone number. tend a telegram by
phone and charge it to that number."
I considered it. It actually sounded plausible. My own old number
would, of course, have been long disconnected, but there were a
number of people whose numbers I knew and who wouldn't even notice
such a charge on their bill. "But who?"
She thought a moment. "How about Hari Calvert?" I thought about it
and the more I thought the more sense it made. Calvert was the
biggest syndicated muck-raking columnist in Washington. He'd sell
his soul for a story like this if he hadn't already sold it long
ago—but once he had it he wouldn't let go. And he was listed, so
they could phone in the telegram without my having to give specific
addresses.
Still, I was extremely nervous about the abortion and this only
doubled my anxiety. Yet, the abortion might disguise my actions,
and it was worth a try. That was all I could promise, I'd
try.
I won't dwell on the ride into Vegas in the scorching sun, nor the
abortion experience, except to say that Jeff seemed as worried and
depressed as I was, so there was little conversation, and the
clinic was the most dehu-manizing cattle barn I'd ever been in,
with loads of miserable looking women, mostly teens it seemed,
sit-ting around waiting to be called. The experience itself was
administered by doctors who had the same regard for you as they did
for a piece of meat and it was painful and horrible to undergo, and
more of a shock to my nervous system than I'd expected.
It was also, in a more personal way, very depressing. No matter
what my liberal feelings on abortion, they'd sprung from the
viewpoint of being a man, one who would never have even the threat
of undergoing one himself and not the slightest idea of what it was
like. And, somewhere deep inside me, I realized I'd always bear the
cross of the action, always feel like I'd killed, if not someone
else, then at least a little part of me. Jeff was solicitous and
left me alone when I wanted to be. We were registered in as "Mr.
and Mrs. Jeffrey Overmeyer" which, I supposed, was only fitting. It
was odd, somehow, that the most abnormal combination of
circumstances imaginable gave such an air of total so-cial
normalcy. Still, he left me alone in the room to sleep a little—I
was pretty shaky still and hadn't slept at all the night
before—and, there I was, alone in the motel room with a motel
phone.
I admit I lay there on that bed staring at that phone, knowing what
I had to do but also knowing that if I waited much longer, Jeff
would return and my chance would be gone.
Finally I got up the nerve to do it.
I charged the telegram to my father's law firm. Although he was
long dead the firm continued and even prospered and it'd never much
changed its number. I took a chance in identifying myself as George
Lloyd's secretary, since it'd been long enough she might not still
work there, but they took the message and didn't
seem to have any problems.
I sent, "Top secret government mind control project well underway
in Nevada desert near Yucca Flat. People held virtual prisoners to
security there." I didn't sign it, of course.
But it was done—and now it was up to Hari Calvert. I had barely
finished when the key rattled in the door and I almost jumped back
into bed as Jeff opened it. The initial scare was followed by some
relief—if he were this close he couldn't have been overhearing me
at the switchboard, and if he were lurking just outside he would
have come in earlier. He brought the local papers and seemed
totally free of suspicion. "How are you feeling?"
"Much better," I told him, and I was, although a bit weak. "I feel
starved, though. What time is it?"
He looked at his watch. "About seven thirty." I got up, and found
myself slightly dizzy. "Umph. Still a little weak. They said it was
all in the mind, though, so I guess my mind decides what's
important. What's for dinner?"
He laughed, looking relieved. "Glad to see you more like yourself
again. Look, there's no room service in this dump, and none of my
instructions covered barring the doors. Parch is pretty convinced
you could shout to the rooftops `the aliens are coming!' and only
get thrown in the asylum anyway. What say we make the most of
tonight? Go down to a good restaurant, hit a casino, then get a
good night's sleep."
I smiled. "That's the first bright spot I've had in weeks," I told
him with total sincerity. "Just let me get dressed."
I dressed quickly, not only because I genuinely was anxious to get
out but also because I feared that something would go wrong, that
they'd call back and inquire about a telegram or
something.
And it was a good night, although I was still feeling slightly weak
and it didn't last very late. It was the first time since Seattle,
so very long ago, that I'd been out in public, and I was a
different person now even if in the same body. It was fun to be out
with someone, to walk arm-in-arm down a casino-lit strip, to let go
a little and hug him when he hit on the crap table. Being with him
I felt very normal and very secure. I was still aware of the heads
turning, the admiring glances, but it didn't bother me that night.
And, later, in the motel room, he held me when I wanted to be held
and we kissed goodnight and I thought that he was probably the only
man who had any understanding of me.
I wasn't falling in love with Jeff, and still felt no real sexual
passion for him, but I liked him a lot, not just for being a nice
person but for understanding. I didn't really know myself yet, or
what I wanted or even could be, but I did know that Jeff had
brought me, in the worst of circumstances, the closest I'd ever
felt to belonging, to fitting in, to being a part of the human
race, and I owed him for that.
It almost made me feel guilty that I had betrayed his kindness and
trust in me with the telegram. Almost, but not quite. For looming
behind Jeff was IMC, and
Harry Parch, and I certainly felt the
same about them.
I had taken the risk and done what I could, and I could do no more.
It was out of my hands now. But I had some satisfaction in the
wording of the message. Parch had been right—had I even mentioned
"alien in-vaders" or "body switching" in my telegram it would have
been tossed right in the circular file with the other nut cases.
But I hadn't. I had lived in and around Wash-ington too long to
make that kind of mistake. I had offered instead the irresistible.
We had been taken to IMC in July; it was now Febru-ary of the next
year and things were still running according to routine. I'd long
since finished with Dan Pauley; I had no idea where he was or even
if he still was anyplace. I was now working with the computer techs
on assembling a basic history and psychological profile of the
Urulu and it was proving fascinating to me, although it would
probably have driven most peo-ple nuts to go through all that
minutiae for some little scrap here and there. Much of what I found
confirmed the essentials of Pauley's own statements, although, I
had to note, they had all been the most casual, friendly talkers
any interrogator would want and yet they'd told precious little
anybody wanted to know.
I also turned twenty in February, according to Dory—February 16.
Dory remained in the technicians ranks, mostly by choice. She had
never had much interest in some grandiose career or the joys of
college learning; she was far more practical-minded than I was and
found a hands-on job far more satisfying. She'd grown a little, and
near the end of the year had begun the final stages of passage into
puberty, the change into womanhood bringing out an innate beauty in
her.
My telegram had been sent in late October, appar-ently to no avail.
I'd lived in some fear of discovery for weeks after, but now my
greater fear was that it had either not reached its intended party
or had been disre-garded by Calvert's column. All I could tell Dory
and myself was that I had tried, done, what I could, and it just
hadn't been enough.
It was, therefore, a major surprise late in February when the whole
of IMC was abuzz with the news: a big-shot congressman, Chairman of
the House Intelli-gence Committee, Phillip Kelleam, was paying us a
visit—and, word was, there would be at least one reporter with him.
The rumors were soon confirmed as we were com-manded to attend
little after-hours seminars by Parch's people on what to say and
what not to say, who we could talk to and who we
couldn't.
I had continued to see Jeff Overmeyer, although not romantically,
on a social basis and got more details.
"Somehow, Calvert—that Washington columnist with spies in every
department—got wind of IMC," he told me. "We don't know how, but,
then again, it's a miracle something this big has managed to escape
the public this long. He dug up enough supporting stuff to make a
real stink and threatened to go public with it unless he got the
whole story and could be convinced not to run it. That got Kelleam
involved, since it's his ass as much as anybody's, and so they're
orchestrating this little tour. All Parch wants is for nobody
except hand-picked people to say more than polite nothings to them
and leave them to
him."
"He'll get that much," I noted. "After all, who wants to be the one
that broke the rules who's still here with Parch after they leave?
But I think you're blown now Jeff. Even if Kelleam's in on this
Calvert won't sit still no matter what bullshit he's fed. If he
finds out the truth he'll splash it over the whole world; if he
doesn't, he'll mount a massive attack on us as a wasteful
extravagance." Overmeyer just sighed. "No, I don't think so. You
just don't know, Vicki, what we can now do." He wouldn't go any
further, but it worried me. Kelleam turned out to look like
everybody's favorite uncle; he was a twenty-four-year veteran of
the House and one of its masters, in line, some said, for the
Speak-er's chair. I stared at him, going around, shaking hands like
anybody here could vote for him, and being so much the saccharine
politician that I knew he was anything but what he appeared. He was
a damned smart and shrewd political manipulator, a power-lover with
guts, and one of the few men who'd know all about IMC. As different
as the two men appeared on the surface, if Harry Parch had a friend
and soul-mate in this world it was almost certainly Phil
Kelleam.
He brought an entourage, of course, mostly bright-looking young men
and women, his aides and yes-men whose very souls he owned but who
had dreams one day of being at the center of power themselves. How
much they knew of IMC's true job was unknown, but, courts or no
courts, I bet myself that every one of their phones were tapped,
their every waking moment spied upon or monitored by
somebody.
Calvert was by himself, nobody else allowed from his side. He
looked much older than the little picture they always put with his
column and not at all well, but his brown eyes darted everywhere
and his expression showed that he was not here for any pleasure
trip.
When Parch, Eisenstadt, and another man in a busi-ness suit whom
I'd not come across before but who was, obviously, IMC's own chief
of administration, Joe Parks, shook hands around with the party, it
was Calvert who spoke up.
"I want to know the truth about this place," he snapped to Parch in
a somewhat threatening tone. "You have a lot to account for, you
know. The budget for a whole nonexistent nuclear aircraft carrier
is here and the pub-lic has a right to know how you can float a
ship in Nevada." Parch didn't seem at all disturbed. "We'll show
you everything," he assured the columnist. "Answer any ques-tions,
anything you want. Even give you demonstra-tions. At the end, if
you still think this place should see print at this time, we'll do
nothing to stop you."
Calvert just nodded dubiously and walked to catch up with the
Congressman. From my office I just watched the group fade down the
long hall until they were gone.
Something definitely stunk to high heaven, though. The level of
cover-up necessary to fool somebody like Calvert just hadn't been
done at IMC, and Harry Parch had sounded a little too confident of
himself. I began to worry a bit. Would they dare kill Calvert? I
hoped not, not only because I'd feel like a
murderer but also because it would mean a
sense of power here beyond any in
the country. But, no, I told myself, they wouldn't do it anyway.
All you'd need to blow this place irrevocably would be to have
Calvert die in the course of its investi-gation, even by the most
accidental of causes. I didn't see them again, but Dory did, twice,
and what she saw made us both even more nervous.
"I saw Calvert twice," she told me. "Once on the same day you did,
then again two days later when they were leaving. It was
incredible, the change in him, Vicki. I swear to you that I heard
him talking to Kelleam and Parch like old buddies and assuring him
that he'd do everything in his power to keep the lid on!
Calvert!"
I felt defeated. "You think this is all an act of his, then? That
he's really with them."
"He wasn't with them, wasn't acting, when he came here," she
responded ominously. "Oh, Vicki, I'm really scared now. I think
they've done it—broken the road-block wide open! I think they did
what they told him they'd do—show him around, answer every
question, and give him a demonstration. I think they demon-strated
all right—on him!"
I was wrapping up my work in early March. They seemed quite pleased
with it, despite my own estima-tion that it was full of holes in
all the important places. We were winding down now, though, and I
expected to find out in another few days what my next assignment
would be.
I, therefore, wasn't all that surprised late one afternoon to get a
summons to Parch's office. Technically I worked in his area,
although far removed from his nas-tier jobs, and it would be from
him or one of his admin-istrative assistants that I would get my
new assignment.
I was, however, surprised to find Dory there, and I got a very
uneasy feeling. As I walked into that familiar office I noticed an
immediate change. The secretaries and technicians were nowhere
about, but present were several well-dressed men who could only be
some of Parch's agents. Parch himself looked grimly at us and
gestured for me to take a seat. Still, his opening remark was very
rou-tine. "You've finished the master report?" I nodded nervously.
"It just needs to be correlated and printed out." "That's good,
that's fine," he responded. I glanced anxiously at Dory but she had
the same nervous look I was feeling and her eyes and expression
told me that she had no idea what this was about. Parch leaned back
in his office chair and sighed. "Ms. Gonser, Ms. Tomlinson. The
time has come to discuss both your futures, I'm afraid. You've been
most helpful to us in a number of ways, and I'd like to just pay
you off, give you new identities, and be rid of you.
Unfortu-nately, I cannot. You have also been a wee bit harmful, I'm
afraid, and even if we could overlook or fix that part, neither of
you are very trustworthy when it comes to making my job easier. I
am charged with keeping this installation secure. I do not believe
that this is possible were I to let you go, even if we could,
somehow, erase the location of it from your minds."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Parch," I managed, my
mouth
feeling suddenly very dry.
He shook his head sadly. "Look, I'll not play games with you, nor
can I spare the time in needless cat-and--mouse talks. We know you
sent the telegram to Calvert. It was quite a good try, really. We
had no idea at the time, but once his people got to poking and
probing we managed to get into his files and discover the text of
it, then compare it with Western Union. Although it was charged to
a Washington law firm—your father's old one, I believe—the official
file copy contained the num-ber from which it was placed, That
proved to be where, from its date, we already suspected—the Mirage
Motel in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was not nice, Ms. Gonser, to abuse
our hospitality like that." He had me cold. There was really
nothing to say. He turned to Dory. "As for you," he continued,
"while we have few places totally monitored on a routine basis,
since this place is so large, we did, because of your psychological
profile, take extra precautions with you. During your initial
medical exam here we placed a tiny micro-miniature transmitter
under your skin. It ran down a week or so ago, finally, but we have
a nice tape record-ing of your conversations with Ms. Gonser,
particularly one just before she went for her abortion." "You
bastard," she muttered.
He shrugged off the insult. "Now, even with all that, I wouldn't
normally be worried. But, as I said, we can't really remove IMC
from your minds, not all the people, physical layout, you name it,
unless we induced amne-sia from the point of the final switch on
the ferry. That I could do, but it wouldn't mean much to your
futures and your life. It simply wouldn't be fair." "Since when has
something like fair play ever been a part of your behavior?" Dory
snapped, and a little part of me cheered. He sighed. "Look, I'm not
the evil mastermind you think me, I assure you—for all the good it
does. I do not make the final decisions, although discretion is
left to me on how those decisions will be carried out. If it were
strictly up to me, I would just let you continue until the time,
here, when we know enough to go public and face down our threats.
But it's come down to a matter of security. The Urulu were telling
the truth, in one regard, at least. They are at war with another
alien power and that war is reaching us more and more. Because we
lack the defenses we cannot yet meet the threat. The security of
IMC is important now first and foremost because either of those
alien sides would destroy it in an instant and the warfare would
become open and blatant. Millions of lives are at stake, I firmly
believe—and in that condition, what can a few individuals count
for? Not only the two of you, but me, anyone here, no matter how
high and mighty."
"The land of the free and the home of the brave," Dory sneered.
Again he was surprisingly defensive. "Yes, it is ironic that we
claim to be defending freedom and yet must resort to unfree
methods. Still, free has a whole new meaning now. We're talking
about the potential for the most absolute form of slavery—tyranny
of the mind of every human being on earth by an alien power." He
grew quite intense, and I began to think that, perhaps, he really
didn't like all this. "I believe that what we are doing here will
determine forever whether or not the human race can be free. I
cannot, will not, allow per-sonal
feelings or considerations to jeopardize
that sa-cred trust."
There was silence for a moment. Finally, feeling wooden and empty,
I said, "So you're going to kill us, then."
"No, I'm not," he replied, sounding a little hurt. "First of all,
both of you are already dead. The Indian girl is forever just plain
missing, of course, but any records traceable to her original
identity were removed totally. Fingerprints, footprints, you name
it. They appear on no official record anywhere. You, Gonser, are
dead and buried as you know. And as for the Tomlinsons, a bit of
scouring morgues throughout the northwest turned up a decent
candidate. You, Ms. Tomlinson, missed your train at Prince Rupert,
decided to hitchhike, were in an acci-dent and burned almost beyond
recognition. You were identified by your personal effects, and are
buried in Parklawn Cemetery, Winnipeg." Dory started, and I was
almost as surprised. "Again, records were gotten to, but, this
time, other data was substituted. Ours is a society of records, of
bureaucracy. Both of you, as you currently are, are anom-alies in
the world today—people on whom not a single solitary record
exists."
I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. "However, this is the
United States of America, not Soviet Russia or China or some
two-bit dictatorship. We simply don't shoot and dump people, at
least anywhere I'm in charge."
"Then you're going to imprison us here? Maybe for years?" Dory
gasped, and, odd as it sounds, there was a note of hope within her.
If we remained alive, there was always a future.
"We have no budget for such a thing, and no author-ity," Parch told
us. "Besides, it would be controversial here and it would be such a
waste. No, there is another way, a way that will make things as
right as they can be, allowing you to live normal lives while
keeping us secure and you removed as any possible threat. We have
come a long way technically here, as you certainly have guessed by
now. It was the only reason we could deal with your Mr. Calvert.
Unfortunately, the remedy for him, as I said, is not possible with
you. You're still not at peace with yourself anyway, Gonser, and
you, Ms. Tomlinson, shouldn't be cooped up here, perhaps for years,
unable to live any sort of life." "You're going to make us into
robots, slaves," Dory gasped, horrified. "No, nothing like that.
Consider it from my view-point. We can not continue as before. It's
bad for you, and it presents a continual risk to us. We can't
morally justify killing you. It would be almost as criminal to have
you both wake up strangers with a nine-month gap in your memories,
not to mention embarrassing things that are possible if you did
decide to return home and convince people you're who you really
are. To imprison you would be illegal and unconscionable. To
process you like we did Mr. Calvert and a couple of Kelleam's aides
would be impossible if we were to release you because we can't be
that selective, and anything like that would open up one of the
possible cans of worms I already mentioned. We can't simply turn
you around to our point of view, either, since you have been here
nine months, gotten to know a very large number of people, and such
a personality change would be noticed, they'd put