6. REMEMBER THOSE PILLS YOU TOOK LAST MONTH?

Three days ago, on Friday afternoon, Gary had finally got through to Pudge Portleigh at Hevy & Hodapp. Portleigh had sounded harried in the extreme.

"Gare, sorry, it's a rave scene here," Portleigh said, "but listen, my friend, I did talk to Daffy Anderson per your request. Daffy says, sure, no problem, we will definitely allocate five hundred shares for a good customer at CenTrust. So, are we OK, my friend? Are we good?"

"No," Gary said. "We said five thousand, not five hundred."

Portleigh was silent for a moment. "Shit, Gare. Big mix-up. I thought you said five hundred."

"You repeated it back to me. You said five thousand. You said you were writing it down."

"Remind me-this is on your own account or CenTrust's?"

"My account."

"Look, Gare, here's what you do. Call Daffy yourself, explain the situation, explain the mix-up, and see if he can rustle up another five hundred. I can back you up that far. I mean, it was my mistake, I had no idea how hot this thing would be. But you gotta realize, Daffy's taking food from somebody else's mouth to feed you. It's the Nature Channel, Gare. All the little birdies with their beaks open wide. Me! Me! Me! I can back you up for another five hundred, but you gotta do your own squawking. All right, my friend? Are we good?"

"No, Pudge, we aren't good," Gary said. "Do you remember I took twenty thousand shares of refinanced Adelson Lee off your hands? We also took-"

"Gare, Gare, don't do this to me," Pudge said. "I'm aware. Have I forgotten Adelson Lee? Christ, please, it haunts my every waking hour. All I'm trying to say to you is that five hundred shares of Axon, it may sound like a dis, but it's not a dis. It's the best Daffy's going to do for you."

"A refreshing breath of honesty," Gary said. "Now tell me again if you forgot I said five thousand."

"OK, I'm an asshole. Thank you for letting me know. But I can't get you more than a thousand total without going all the way upstairs. If you want five thousand, Daffy needs a direct order from Dick Hevy. And since you mention Adelson Lee, Dick's going to point out to me that CoreStates took forty thousand, First Delaware took thirty thousand, TIAA-CREF took fifty, and so on down the line. The calculus is that crude, Gare. You helped us to the tune of twenty, we help you to the tune of five hundred. I mean, I'll try Dick if you want. I can also probably get another five hundred out of Daffy just by telling him you'd never guess he used to be shiny on top, to see him now. Whuff, the miracle of Rogaine. But basically this is the kind of deal where Daffy gets to play Santa Claus. He knows if you've been bad or good. In particular, he knows for whom you work. To be honest, for the kind ofconsideration you're looking for, what you really need to do is triple the size of your institution."

Size, oh, did it matter. Short of promising to buy some arrant turkeys with CenTrust money at a later date (and he could lose his job for this), Gary had no further leverage with Pudge Portleigh. However, he still had moral leverage in the form of Axon's underpayment for Alfred's patent. Lying awake last night, he'd honed the wording of the clear, measured lecture that he intended to deliver to Axon's brass this afternoon: I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that your offer to my father was reasonable and fair. My father had personal reasons for accepting that offer; but I know what you did to him. Do you understand me? I'm not an old man in the Midwest. I know what you did. And I think you realize that it is not an option for me to leave this room without a firm commitment for five thousand shares. I could also insist on an apology. But I'm simply proposing a straightforward transaction between adults. Which, by the way, costs you nothing. Zero. Nada. Niente.

"Synaptogenesis!" Axon's video pitchman exulted.

7. NO, IT'S NOT A BOOK OF THE BIBLE!

The professional investors in Ballroom B laughed and laughed.

"Could this possibly be a hoax?" Denise asked Gary.

"Why license Dad's patent for a hoax?" Gary said.

She shook her head. "This makes me want to, like, go back to bed."

Gary understood the feeling. He hadn't had a good night's sleep in three weeks. His circadian schedule was 180 degrees out of phase, he was revved all night and sandy-eyed all day, and he found it ever more arduous to believe that his problem wasn't neurochemical but personal.

How right he'd been, all those months, to conceal the many Warning Signs from Caroline! How accurate his intuition that a putative deficit of Neurofactor 3 would sap the legitimacy of his moral arguments! Caroline was now able to camouflage her animosity toward him as "concern" about his "health." His lumbering forces of conventional domestic warfare were no match for this biological weaponry. He cruelly attacked her person; she heroically attacked his disease.

Building on this strategic advantage, Caroline had then made a series of brilliant tactical moves. When Gary drew up his battle plans for the first full weekend of hostilities, he assumed that Caroline would circle the wagons as she'd done on the previous weekend-would adolescently pal around with Aaron and Caleb and incite them to make fun of Clueless Old Dad. Therefore on Thursday night he ambushed her. He proposed, out of the blue, that he and Aaron and Caleb go mountain-biking in the Poconos on Sunday, leaving at dawn for a long day of older-male bonding in which Caroline could not participate because her back hurt.

Caroline's countermove was to endorse his proposal enthusiastically. She urged Caleb and Aaron to go and enjoy the time with their father. She laid curious stress on this phrase, causing Aaron and Caleb to pipe up, as if on cue, "Mountain-biking, yeah, Dad, great!" And all at once Gary realized what was going on. He realized why, on Monday night, Aaron had come and unilaterally apologized for having called him "horrible," and why Caleb on Tuesday, for the first time in months, had invited him to play foosball, and why Jonah, on Wednesday, had brought him, unbidden, on a cork-lined tray, a second martini that Caroline had poured. He saw why his children had turned agreeable and solicitous: because Caroline had told them that their father was struggling with clinical depression. What a brilliant gambit! And not for a second did he doubt that a gambit was what it was-that Caroline's "concern" was purely bogus, a wartime tactic, a way to avoid spending Christmas in St. Jude-because there continued to be no warmth or fondness for him, not the faintest ember, in her eyes.

"Did you tell the boys that I'm depressed?" Gary asked her in the darkness, from the far margin of their quarter-acre bed. "Caroline? Did you lie to them about my mental state? Is that why everybody's suddenly being so agreeable?"

"Gary," she said. "They're being agreeable because they want you to take them mountain-biking in the Poconos."

"Something about this doesn't smell right."

"You know, you are getting seriously paranoid."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"Gary, this is frightening."

"You're fucking with my head! And there is no lower trick than that. There's no meaner trick in the book."

"Please, please, listen to yourself."

"Answer my question," he said. "Did you tell them I'm `depressed'? `Having a hard time'?"

"Well-aren't you?"

"Answer my question!"

She didn't answer his question. She said nothing more at all that night, although he repeated his question for half an hour, pausing for a minute or two each time so that she could answer, but she didn't answer.

By the morning of the bike trip, he was so destroyed by lack of sleep that his ambition was simply to function physically. He loaded three bikes onto Caroline's extremely large and safe Ford Stomper vehicle and drove for two hours, unloaded the bikes, and pedaled mile after mile on rutted trails. The boys raced on far ahead. By the time he caught up with them, they'd taken their rest and were ready to move again. They volunteered nothing but wore expressions of friendly expectation, as if Gary might have a confession to make. His situation was neurochemically somewhat dire, however; he had nothing to say except "Let's eat our sandwiches" and "One more ridge and then we turn around." At dusk he loaded the bikes back onto the Stomper, drove two hours, and unloaded them in an access of ANHEDONIA.

Caroline came out of the house and told the older boys what great fun she and Jonah had had. She declared herself a convert to the Narnia books. All evening, then, she and Jonah chattered about "Aslan" and "Cair Paravel" and "Reepicheep," and the online kids-only Narnia chat room that she'd located on the Internet, and the C. S. Lewis Web site that had cool online games to play and tons of cool Narnian products to order.

"There's a Prince Caspian CD-ROM," Jonah told Gary, "that I'm very much looking forward to playing with."

"It looks like a really interesting and well-designed game," Caroline said. "I showed Jonah how to order it."

"There's a Wardrobe?" Jonah said. "And you point and click and go through the Wardrobe into Narnia? And then there's all this cool stuff inside?"

Profound was Gary's relief the next morning as he bumped and glided, like a storm-battered yacht, into the safe harbor of his work week. There was nothing to do but patch himself up as well as he could, stay the course, not be depressed. Despite serious losses, he remained confident of victory. Since his very first fight with Caroline, twenty years earlier, when he'd sat alone in his apartment and watched an eleven-inning Phillies game and listened to his phone ring every ten minutes, every five minutes, every two minutes, he'd understood that at the ticking heart of Caroline was a desperate insecurity. Sooner or later, if he withheld his love, she came knocking on his chest with her little fist and let him have his way.

Caroline showed no sign of weakening, however. Late at night, when Gary was too freaked out and angry to shut his eyes, let alone sleep, she politely but firmly declined to fight with him. She was particularly adamant in her refusal to discuss Christmas; she said that listening to Gary on the topic was like watching an alcoholic drink.

"What do you need from me?" Gary asked her. "Tell me what you need to hear from me."

"I need you to take responsibility for your mental health."

"Jesus, Caroline. Wrong, wrong, wrong answer."

Meanwhile Discordia, the goddess of marital strife, had pulled strings with the airline industry. There appeared in the Inquirer a full-page ad for a slasheroo sale on Midland Airlines tickets, including a $198 round-trip fare between Philly and St. Jude. Only four dates in late December were blacked out; by staying just one extra day at Christmastime Gary could take the whole family to and from St. Jude (nonstop!) for under a thousand bucks. He had his travel agent hold five tickets for him, renewing the option daily. Finally, on Friday morning, with the sale due to end at midnight, he'd announced to Caroline that he was buying tickets. In accordance with her strict no-Christmas policy, Caroline turned to Aaron and asked him if he'd studied for his Spanish test. From his office at CenTrust, in a spirit of trench warfare, Gary called his travel agent and authorized the purchase. Then he called his doctor and requested a sleep aid, a short-term prescription, something a little more potent than the nonprescription stuff. Dr. Pierce replied that a sleep aid didn't sound like such a good idea. Caroline, Pierce said, had mentioned that Gary might be depressed, and a sleep aid certainly wasn't going to help with that. Maybe, instead, Gary would like to come in and talk about how he was feeling?

For a moment, after he hung up, Gary let himself imagine being divorced. But three glowing and idealized mental portraits of his children, shadowed by a batlike horde of fears regarding finances, chased the notion from his head.

At a dinner party on Saturday he'd rifled the medicine chest of his friends Drew and Jamie, hoping to find a bottle of something in the Valium class, but no such luck.

Yesterday Denise had called him and insisted, with ominous steeliness, that he have lunch with her. She said she'd seen Enid and Alfred in New York on Saturday. She said that Chip and his girlfriend had flaked on her and vanished.

Gary, lying awake last night, had wondered if stunts like this were what Caroline meant when she described Chip as a man "honest enough" to say what he could and couldn't "tolerate."

"The cells are genetically reprogrammed to release nerve-growth factor only when locally activated!" Earl Eberle's video facsimile said cheerfully.

A fetching young model, her skull in an Eberle Helmet, was strapped into a machine that retrained her brain to instruct her legs to walk.

A model wearing a wintry look, a look of misanthropy and sourness, pushed up the corners of her mouth with her fingers while magnified cutaway animation revealed, within her brain, the flowering of dendrites, the forging of new synaptic links. In a moment she was able to smile, tentatively, without using her fingers. In another moment, her smile was dazzling.

CORECKTALL: IT'S THE FUTURE!

"The Axon Corporation is fortunate to hold five U. S. patents protecting this powerful platform technology," Earl Eberle told the camera. "These patents, and eight others that are pending, form an insurmountable fire wall protecting the hundred-fifty million dollars that we have spent to date on research and development. Axon is the recognized world leader in this field. We have a six-year track record of positive cash flows and a revenue stream that we expect to top eighty million dollars in the coming year. Potential investors may rest assured that every penny of every dollar we raise on December 15 will be spent on developing this marvelous and potentially historic product.

"Corecktall: It's the Future!" Eberle said.

"It's the Future!" intoned the pitchman.

"It's the Future!" chorused the crowd of really good-looking students in nerdy glasses.

"I liked the past," Denise said, uptilting her complimentary half-liter of imported water.

In Gary's opinion, too many people were breathing the air in Ballroom B. A ventilation problem somehow. As the lights came up to full strength, silent wait-personnel fanned in among the tables bearing luncheon entrees under chafing lids.

"My first guess is salmon," Denise said. "No, my only guess is salmon."

Rising from talk-show chairs and moving to the front of the dais now were three figures who reminded Gary, oddly, of his honeymoon in Italy. He and Caroline had visited a cathedral somewhere in Tuscany, maybe Siena, in the museum of which were big medieval statues of saints that had once stood on the roof of the cathedral, each with an arm raised like a waving presidential candidate and each wearing a saintly grin of certainty.

The eldest of the three beatific greeters, a pink-faced man with rimless glasses, extended a hand as if to bless the crowd.

"All right!" he said. "All right, everybody! My name is Joe Prager, I'm the lead deal attorney at Bragg Knuter. To my left is Merilee Finch, CEO of Axon, to my right Daffy Anderson, the all-important deal manager at Hevy and Hodapp. We were hoping Curly himself might deign to join us today, but he is the man of the hour, he is being interviewed by CNN as we speak. So let me do a little caveating here, wink-wink-wink, and then turn the floor over to Daffy and Merilee."

"Yo, Kelsey, talk to me, baby, talk to me," Gary's young neighbor shouted.

"Caveat A," Prager said, "is please everyone take note that I'm stressing that Curly's results are extremely preliminary. This is all Phase One research, folks. Anybody not hear me? Anybody in the back?" Prager craned his neck and waved both arms at the most distant tables, including Gary's. "Full disclosure: this is Phase One research. Axon does not yet have, in no way is it representing that it has, FDA approval for Phase Two testing. And what comes after Phase Two? Phase Three! And after Phase Three? A multistage review process that can delay the product launch by as much as three more years. Folks, hello, we are dealing with clinical results that are extremely interesting but extremely preliminary. So caveat emptor. All righty? Wink wink wink. All righty?"

Prager was struggling to keep his face straight. Merilee Finch and Daffy Anderson were sucking on smiles as if they, too, had guilty secrets or religion.

"Caveat B," Prager said. "An inspirational video presentation is not a prospectus. Daffy's representations here today, likewise Merilee's representations, are impromptu and, again, not a prospectus ."

The waitstaff descended on Gary's table and gave him salmon on a bed of lentils. Denise waved away her entree.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Gary whispered.

She shook her head.

"Denise. Really." He felt inexplicably wounded. "You can surely have a couple of bites with me."

Denise looked him square in the face with an unreadable expression. "I'm a little sick to my stomach."

"Do you want to leave?"

"No. I just don't want to eat."

Denise at thirty-two was still beautiful, but long hours at the stove had begun to cook her youthful skin into a kind of terra-cotta mask that made Gary a little more anxious each time he saw her. She was his baby sister, after all. Her years of fertility and marriageability were passing with a swiftness to which he was attuned and she, he suspected, was not. Her career seemed to him an evil spell under the influence of which she worked sixteen-hour days and had no social life. Gary was afraid-he claimed, as her oldest brother, the right to be afraid-that by the time Denise awakened from this spell she would be too old to start a family.

He ate his salmon quickly while she drank her imported water.

On the dais the CEO of Axon, a fortyish blonde with the intelligent pugnacity of a college dean, was talking about side effects. "Apart from headaches and nausea, which are to be expected," said Merilee Finch, "we haven't tracked anything yet. Remember, too, that our platform technology has been widely used for several years now, with no significant deleterious effects reported." Finch pointed into the ballroom. "Yes, gray Armani?"

"Isn't Corecktall the name of a laxative?"

"Ah, well," Finch said, nodding violently. "Different spelling, but yes. Curly and I considered approximately ten thousand different names before we realized that branding isn't really an issue for the Alzheimer's patient, or the Parkinson's sufferer, or the massively depressed individual. We could call it Carcino-Asbesto, they'd still knock doors down to get it. Curly's big vision here, though, and the reason he's willing to risk the poopy jokes, and so forth, is that twenty years from now there's not going to be a prison left standing in the United States, because of this process. I mean, realistically, we live in the age of medical breakthroughs. There's no question we'll have competing therapies for AD and PD. Some of these therapies will probably come on line before Corecktall. So, for most disorders of the brain, our product will be just one weapon in the arsenal. Clearly the best weapon, but still, just one among many. On the other hand, when it comes to social disease, the brain of the criminal, there's no other option on the horizon. It's Corecktall or prison. So it's a forward-looking name. We're laying claim to a whole new hemisphere. We're planting the Spanish flag right on the beach here."

There was a murmur at a distant table where a tweedy, homely contingent was seated, maybe union fund managers, maybe the endowment crowd from Penn or Temple. One stork-shaped woman stood up from this table and shouted, "So, what's the idea, you reprogram the repeat offender to enjoy pushing a broom?"

"That is within the realm of the feasible, yes," Finch said. "That is one potential fix, although possibly not the best."

The heckler couldn't believe it. "Not the best? It's an ethical nightmare."

"So, free country, go invest in alternative energy," Finch said, for a laugh, because most of the guests were on her side. "Buy some geothermal penny stocks. Solar-electricity futures, very cheap, very righteous. Yes, next, please? Pink shirt?"

"You guys are dreaming," the heckler persisted at a shout, "if you think the American people-"

"Honey," Finch interrupted with the advantage of her lapel mike and amplification, "the American people support the death penalty. Do you think they'll have a problem with a socially constructive alternative like this? Ten years from now we'll see which of us is dreaming. Yes, pink shirt at Table Three, yes?"

"Excuse me," the heckler persisted, "I'm trying to remind your potential investors of the Eighth Amendment-"

"Thank you. Thank you very much," Finch said, her emcee's smile tightening. "Since you bring up cruel and unusual punishment, let me suggest that you walk a few blocks north of here to Fairmount Avenue. Go take a look at the Eastern State Penitentiary. World's first modern prison, opened in 1829, solitary confinement for up to twenty years, astonishing suicide rate, zero corrective benefit, and, just to keep this in mind, still the basic model for corrections in the United States today. Curly's not talking about this on CNN, folks. He's talking about the million Americans with Parkinson's and the four million with Alzheimer's. What I'm telling you now is not for general consumption. But the fact is, a one-hundred-percent voluntary alternative to incarceration is the opposite of cruel and unusual. Of all the potential applications of Corecktall, this is the most humane. This is the liberal vision: genuine, permanent, voluntary self-melioration."

The heckler, shaking her head with the emphasis of the unconvinceable, was already exiting the ballroom. Mr. Twelve Thousand Shares of Exxon, at Gary's left shoulder, cupped his hands to his mouth and booed her.

Young men at other tables followed suit, booing and smirking, having their sports-fan fun and lending support, Gary feared, to Denise's disdain for the world he moved in. Denise had leaned forward and was staring at Twelve Thousand Shares of Exxon in open-mouthed amazement.

Daffy Anderson, a linebacker type with thick glossy sideburns and a texturally distinct stubblefield of hair higher up, had stepped forward to answer money questions. He spoke of being gratifyingly oversubscribed. He compared the heat of this IPO to Vindaloo curry and Dallas in July. He refused to divulge the price that Hevy & Hodapp planned to ask for a share of Axon. He spoke of pricing it fairly and-wink, wink-letting the market do its job.

Denise touched Gary's shoulder and pointed to a table behind the dais, where Merilee Finch was standing by herself and putting salmon in her mouth. "Our prey is feeding. I say we pounce."

"What for?" Gary said.

"To get Dad signed up for testing."

Nothing about the idea of Alfred's participation in a Phase II study appealed to Gary, but it occurred to him that by letting Denise broach the topic of Alfred's affliction, by letting her create sympathy for the Lamberts and establish their moral claim on Axon's favors, he could increase his chances of getting his five thousand shares.

"You do the talking," he said, standing up. "Then I'll have a question for her, too."

As he and Denise moved toward the dais, heads turned to admire Denise's legs.

"What part of `no comment' didn't you understand?" Daffy Anderson asked a questioner for a laugh.

The cheeks of Axon's CEO were puffed out like a squirrel's. Merilee Finch put a napkin to her mouth and regarded the accosting Lamberts warily. "I'm so starving," she said. It was a thin woman's apology for being corporeal. "We'll be setting up some tables in a couple of minutes, if you don't mind waiting."

"This is a semi-private question," Denise said.

Finch swallowed with difficulty-maybe self-consciousness, maybe insufficient chewing. "Yeah?"

Denise and Gary introduced themselves and Denise mentioned the letter that Alfred had been sent.

"I had to eat something," Finch explained, shoveling up lentils. "I think Joe was the one who wrote to your father. I'm assuming we're all square there now. He'd be happy to talk to you if you still had questions."

"Our question is more for you," Denise said.

"Sorry. One more bite here." Finch chewed her salmon with labored jawstrokes, swallowed again, and dropped her napkin on the plate. "As far as that patent goes, I'll tell you frankly, we considered just infringing. That's what everybody else does. But Curly's an inventor himself. He wanted to do the right thing."

"Frankly," Gary said, "the right thing might have been to offer more."

Finch's tongue was probing beneath her upper lip like a cat beneath blankets. "You may have a somewhat inflated idea of your father's achievement," she said. "A lot of researchers were studying those gels in the sixties. The discovery of electrical anisotropy is generally, I believe, credited to a team at Cornell. Plus I understand from Joe that the wording of that patent is unspecific. It doesn't even refer to the brain; it's just `human tissues.' Justice is the right of the stronger, when it comes to patent law. I think our offer was rather generous."

Gary made his I'm-a-jerk face and looked at the dais, where Daffy Anderson was being mobbed by well-wishers and supplicants.

"Our father was fine with the offer," Denise assured Finch. "And he'll be happy to know what you guys are doing."

Female bonding, the making of nice, faintly nauseated Gary.

"I forget which hospital he's with," Finch said.

"He's not," Denise said. "He was a railroad engineer. He had a lab in our basement."

Finch was surprised. "He did that work as an amateur?"

Gary didn't know which version of Alfred made him angrier: the spiteful old tyrant who'd made a brilliant discovery in the basement and cheated himself out of a fortune, or the clueless basement amateur who'd unwittingly replicated the work of real chemists, spent scarce family money to file and maintain a vaguely worded patent, and was now being tossed a scrap from the table of Earl Eberle. Both versions incensed him.

Perhaps it was best, after all, that the old man had ignored Gary's advice and taken the money.

"My dad has Parkinson's," Denise said.

"Oh, I'm very sorry."

"Well, and we were wondering if you might include him in the testing of your-product."

"Conceivably," Finch said. "We'd have to ask Curly. I do like the human-interest aspect. Does your dad live around here?"

"He's in St. Jude."

Finch frowned. "It won't work if you can't get him to Schwenksville twice a week for at least six months."

"Not a problem," Denise said, turning to Gary. "Right?"

Gary was hating everything about this conversation. Health health, female female, nice nice, easy easy. He didn't answer.

"How is he mentally?" Finch said.

Denise opened her mouth, but at first no words came out.

"He's fine," she said, rallying. "Just- fine."

"No dementia?"

Denise pursed her lips and shook her head. "No. He gets a little confused sometimes, but-no."

"The confusion could be from his meds," Finch said, "in which case it's fixable. But Lewy-body dementia is beyond the purview of Phase Two testing. So is Alzheimer's."

"He's pretty sharp," Denise said.

"Well, if he's able to follow basic instructions, and he's willing to travel east in January, Curly might try to include him. It would make a good story."

Finch produced a business card, warmly shook Denise's hand, less warmly shook Gary's, and moved into the mob surrounding Daffy Anderson.

Gary followed her and caught her by the elbow. She turned around, startled.

"Listen, Merilee," he said in a low voice, as if to say, Let's be realistic now, we adults can dispense with the nicey-nice crap. "I'm glad you think my dad's a `good story.' And it's very generous of you to give him five thousand dollars. But I believe you need us more than we need you."

Finch waved to somebody and held up one finger; she would be there in one second. "Actually," she said to Gary, "we don't need you at all. So I'm not sure what you're saying."

"My family wants to buy five thousand shares of your offering."

Finch laughed like an executive with an eighty-hour work week. "So does everybody in this room," she said. "That's why we have investment bankers. If you'll excuse me-"

She broke free and got away. Gary, in the crush of bodies, was having trouble breathing. He was furious with himself for having begged, furious for having let Denise attend this road show, furious for being a Lambert. He strode toward the nearest exit without waiting for Denise, who hurried after him.

Between the Four Seasons and the neighboring office tower was a corporate courtyard so lavishly planted and flawlessly maintained that it might have been pixels in a cybershopping paradise. The two Lamberts were crossing the courtyard when Gary's anger found a fault through which to vent itself. He said, "I don't know where the hell you think Dad's going to stay if he comes out here."

"Partly with you, partly with me," Denise said.

"You're never home," he said. "And Dad's on record as not wanting to be at my house for more than forty-eight hours."

"This wouldn't be like last Christmas," Denise said. "Trust me. The impression I got on Saturday-"

"Plus how's he going to get out to Schwenksville twice a week?"

"Gary, what are you saying? Do you not want this to happen?"

Two office workers, seeing angry parties bearing down, stood up and vacated a marble bench. Denise perched on the bench and folded her arms intransigently. Gary paced in a tight circle, his hands on his hips.

"For the last ten years," he said, "Dad has done nothing to take care of himself. He's sat in that fucking blue chair and wallowed in self-pity. I don't know why you think he's suddenly going to start-"

"Well, but if he thought there might actually be a cure-"

"What, so he can be depressed for an extra five years and die miserable at eighty-five instead of eighty? That's going to make all the difference?"

"Maybe he's depressed because he's sick."

"I'm sorry, but that is bullshit, Denise. That is a crock. The man has been depressed since before he even retired. He was depressed when he was still in perfect health."

A low fountain was murmuring nearby, generating medium-strength privacy. A small unaffiliated cloud had wandered into the quadrant of private-sphere sky defined by the encompassing rooflines. The light was coastal and diffuse.

"What would you do," Denise said, "if you had Mom nagging you seven days a week, telling you to get out of the house, watching every move you make, and acting like the kind of chair you sit in is a moral issue? The more she tells him to get up, the more he sits there. The more he sits there, the more she-"

"Denise, you're living in fantasyland."

She looked at Gary with hatred. "Don't patronize me. It's just as much a fantasy to act like Dad's some worn-out old machine. He's a person, Gary. He has an interior life. And he's nice to me, at least-"

"Well, he ain't so nice to me," Gary said. "And he's an abusive selfish bully to Mom. And I say if he wants to sit in that chair and sleep his life away, that's just fine. I love that idea. I'm one-thousand-percent a fan of that idea. But first let's yank that chair out of a three-floor house that's falling apart and losing value. Let's get Mom some kind of quality of life. Just do that, and he can sit in his chair and feel sorry for himself until the cows come home."

"She loves that house. That house is her quality of life."

"Well, she's in a fantasyland, too! A lot of good it does her to love the house when she's got to keep an eye on the old man twenty-four hours a day."

Denise crossed her eyes and blew a wisp of hair off her forehead. "You're the one in a fantasy," she said. "You seem to think they're going to be happy living in a two-room apartment in a city where the only people they know are you and me. And do you know who that's convenient for? For you."

He threw his hands in the air. "So it's convenient for me! I'm sick of worrying about that house in St. Jude. I'm sick of making trips out there. I'm sick of hearing how miserable Mom is. A situation that's convenient for you and me is better than a situation that's convenient for nobody. Mom's living with a guy who's a physical wreck. He's had it, he's through, finito, end of story, take a charge against earnings. And still she's got this idea that if he would only try harder, everything would be fine and life would be just like it used to be. Well, I got news for everybody: it ain't ever gonna be the way it used to be."

"You don't even want him to get better."

"Denise." Gary clutched his eyes. "They had five years before he even got sick. And what did he do? He watched the local news and waited for Mom to cook his meals. This is the real world we're living in. And I want them out of that house-"

"Gary."

" I want them in a retirement community out here, and I'm not afraid to say it."

"Gary, listen to me." Denise leaned forward with an urgent goodwill that only irritated him the more. "Dad can come and stay with me for six months. They can both come and stay, I can bring home meals, it's not that big a deal. If he gets better, they'll go back home. If he doesn't get better, they'll have had six months to decide if they like living in Philly. I mean, what is wrong with this?"

Gary didn't know what was wrong with it. But he could already hear Enid's invidious descants on the topic of Denise's wonderfulness. And since it was impossible to imagine Caroline and Enid amicably sharing a house for six days (never mind six weeks, never mind six months), Gary could not, even ceremonially, offer to put his parents up himself.

He raised his eyes to the intensity of whiteness that marked the sun's proximity to a corner of the office tower. The beds of mums and begonias and liriope all around him were like bikinied extras in a music video, planted in full blush of perfection and fated to be yanked again before they had a chance to lose petals, acquire brown spots, drop leaves. Gary had always enjoyed corporate gardens as backdrops for the pageant of privilege, as metonymies of pamperment, but it was vital not to ask too much of them. It was vital not to come to them in need.

"You know, I don't even care," he said. "It's a great plan. And if you want to do the legwork, that would be great."

"OK, I'll do the `legwork,' " Denise said quickly. "Now what about Christmas? Dad really wants you guys to come."

Gary laughed. "So he's involved now, too."

"He wants it for Mom's sake. And she really, really wants it."

"Of course she wants it. She's Enid Lambert. What does Enid Lambert want if not Christmas in St. Jude?"

"Well, I'm going to go there," Denise said, "and I'm going to try to get Chip to go, and I think the five of you should go. I think we should all just get together and do that for them."

The faint tremor of virtue in her voice set Gary's teeth on edge. A lecture about Christmas was the last thing he needed on this October afternoon, with the needle of his Factor 3 gauge bumping on the bright red E.

"Dad said a strange thing on Saturday," Denise continued. "He said, `I don't know how much time I have.' Both of them were talking like this was their last chance for a Christmas. It was kind of intense."

"Well, count on Mom," Gary said a little wildly, "to phrase the thing for maximum emotional coercion!"

"Right. But I also think she means it."

"I'm sure she means it!" Gary said. "And I will give it some thought! But, Denise, it is not so easy getting all five of us out there. It is not so easy! Not when it makes so much sense for us all to be here! Right? Right?"

"I know, I agree," Denise persisted quietly. "But remember, this would be a strictly one-time-only thing."

"I said I'd think about it. That's all I can do, right? I'll think about it! I'll think about it! All right?"

Denise seemed puzzled by his outburst. "OK. Good. Thank you. But the thing is-"

"Yeah, what's the thing," Gary said, taking three steps away from her and suddenly turning back. "Tell me what the thing is."

"Well, I was just thinking-"

"You know, I'm half an hour late already. I really need to get back to the office."

Denise rolled her eyes up at him and let her mouth hang open in mid-sentence.

"Let's just finish this conversation," Gary said.

"OK, well, not to sound like Mom, but-"

"A little too late for that! Huh? Huh?" he found himself shouting with crazy joviality, his hands in the air.

"Not to sound like Mom, but-you don't want to wait too long before you decide to buy tickets. There, I said it."

Gary began to laugh but checked the laugh before it got away from him. "Good plan!" he said. "You're right! Gotta decide soon! Gotta buy those tickets! Good plan!" He clapped his hands like a coach.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, you're right. We should all go to St. Jude for one last Christmas before they sell the house or Dad falls apart or somebody dies. It's a no-brainer. We should all be there. It is so obvious. You're absolutely right."

"Then I don't understand what you're upset about."

"Nothing! Not upset about anything!"

"OK. Good." Denise gazed up at him levelly. "Then let me ask you one other thing. I want to know why Mom is under the impression that I'm having an affair with a married man."

A pulse of guilt, a shock wave, passed through Gary. "No idea," he said.

"Did you tell her I'm involved with a married man?"

"How could I tell her that? I don't know the first thing about your private life."

"Well, did you suggest it to her? Did you drop a hint?"

"Denise. Really." Gary was regaining his parental composure, his aura of big-brotherly indulgence. "You're the most reticent person I know. On the basis of what could I say anything?"

"Did you drop a hint?" she said. "Because somebody did. Somebody put that idea in her head. And it occurs to me that I said one little thing to you, once, which you might have misinterpreted and passed on to her. And, Gary, she and I have enough problems without your giving her ideas."

"You know, if you weren't so mysterious-"

"I'm not `mysterious.' "

"If you weren't so secretive," Gary said, "maybe you wouldn't have this problem. It's almost like you want people whispering about you."

"It's pretty interesting that you're not answering my question."

He exhaled slowly through his teeth. "I have no idea where Mom got that idea. I didn't tell her anything."

"All right," Denise said, standing up. "So I'll do that `legwork.' You think about Christmas. And we'll get together when Mom and Dad are in town. I'll see you later."

With breathtaking decision she headed toward the nearest exit, not moving so fast as to betray anger but fast enough that Gary couldn't have caught up with her without running. He waited for a minute to see if she would return. When she didn't, he left the courtyard and bent his steps toward his office.

Gary had been flattered when his little sister had chosen a college in the very city where he and Caroline had lately bought their dream house. He'd looked forward to introducing Denise (showing her off, really) to all his friends and colleagues. He'd imagined that she would come to Seminole Street for dinner every month and that she and Caroline would be like sisters. He'd imagined that his whole family, even Chip, would eventually settle in Philadelphia. He'd imagined nieces and nephews, house parties and parlor games, long snowy Christmases on Seminole Street. And now he and Denise had lived in the same city for fifteen years, and he felt as if he hardly knew her. She never asked him for anything. No matter how tired she was, she never came to Seminole Street without flowers or dessert for Caroline, sharks' teeth or comic books for the boys, a lawyer joke or a lightbulb joke for Gary. There was no way around her properness, no way to convey to her the depth of his disappointment that, of the rich family-filled future that he'd imagined, almost nothing had come to pass.

A year ago, over lunch, Gary had told her about a married "friend" of his (actually a colleague, Jay Pascoe) who was having an affair with his daughters' piano teacher. Gary said that he could understand his friend's recreational interest in the affair (Pascoe had no intention of leaving his wife) but that he didn't see why the piano teacher was bothering.

"So you can't imagine," Denise said, "why a woman would want to have an affair with you?"

"I'm not talking about me," Gary said.

"But you're married and you have kids."

"I'm saying I don't understand what the woman sees in a guy she knows to be a liar and a sneak."

"Probably she disapproves of liars and sneaks in general," Denise said. "But she makes an exception for the guy she's in love with."

"So it's a kind of self-deception."

"No, Gary, it's the way love works."

"Well, and I guess there's always a chance she'll get lucky and marry into instant money."

This puncturing of Denise's liberal innocence with a sharp economic truth seemed to sadden her.

"You see a person with kids," she said, "and you see how happy they are to be a parent, and you're attracted to their happiness. Impossibility is attractive. You know, the safety of dead-ended things."

"You sound like you know something about it," Gary said.

"Emile is the only man I've ever been attracted to who didn't have kids."

This interested Gary. Under cover of fraternal obtuseness, he risked asking: "So, and who are you seeing now?"

"Nobody."

"You're not into some married guy," he joked.

Denise's face went a shade paler and two shades redder as she reached for her water glass. "I'm seeing nobody," she said. "I'm working very hard."

"Well, just remember," Gary said, "there's more to life than cooking. You're at a stage now where you need to start thinking about what you really want and how you're going to get it."

Denise twisted in her seat and signaled to the waiter for the check. "Maybe I'll marry into instant money," she said.

The more Gary thought about his sister's involvement with married men, the angrier he got. Nevertheless, he should never have mentioned the matter to Enid. The disclosure had come of drinking gin on an empty stomach while listening to his mother sing Denise's praises at Christmastime, a few hours after the mutilated Austrian reindeer had come to light and Enid's gift to Caroline had turned up in a trash can like a murdered baby. Enid extolled the generous multimillionaire who was bankrolling Denise's new restaurant and had sent her on a luxury two-month tasting tour of France and Central Europe, she extolled Denise's long hours and her dedication and her thrift, and in her backhandedly comparative way she carped about Gary's "materialism" and "ostentation" and "obsession with money"-as if she herself weren't dollar-sign-headed! As if she herself, given the opportunity, wouldn't have bought a house like Gary's and furnished it very much the same way he had! He wanted to say to her: Of your three children, my life looks by far the most like yours! I have what you taught me to want! And now that I have it, you disapprove of it!

But what he actually said, when the juniper spirits finally boiled over, was: "Why don't you ask Denise who she's sleeping with? Ask her if the guy's married and if he has any kids."

"I don't think she's dating anybody," Enid said.

"I'm telling you," the juniper spirits said, "ask her if she's ever been involved with somebody married. I think honesty compels you to ask that question before you hold her up as a paragon of midwestern values."

Enid covered her ears. "I don't want to know about this!"

"Fine, go ahead, stick your head in the sand!" the sloppy spirits raged. "I just don't want to hear any more crap about what an angel she is."

Gary knew that he'd broken the sibling code of honor. But he was glad he'd broken it. He was glad Denise was taking heat again from Enid. He felt surrounded, imprisoned, by disapproving women.

There was, of course, one obvious way of breaking free: he could say yes instead of no to one of the dozen secretaries and female pedestrians and sales clerks who in any given week took note of his height and his schist-gray hair, his calfskin jacket and his French mountaineering pants, and looked him in the eye as if to say The key's under the doormat. But there was still no pussy on earth he'd rather lick, no hair he'd rather gather in his fist like a golden silk bellpull, no gaze with which he'd rather lock his own at climax, than Caroline's. The only guaranteed result of having an affair would be to add yet another disapproving woman to his life.

In the lobby of the CenTrust Tower, on Market Street, he joined a crowd of human beings by the elevators. Clerical staff and software specialists, auditors and keypunch engineers, returning from late lunches.

"The lion he ascendant now," said the woman standing closest to Gary. "Very good time to shop now. The lion he often preside over bargains in the store."

"Where is our Savior in this?" asked the woman to whom the woman had spoken.

"This also a good time to remember the Savior," the first woman answered calmly. "Time of the lion very good time for that."

"Lutetium supplements combined with megadoses of partially hydrogenated Vitamin E!" a third person said.

"He's programmed his clock radio," a fourth person said, "which it says something about something I don't know that you can even do this, but he's programmed it to wake him up to WMIA at eleven past the hour every hour. Whole night through."

Finally an elevator came. As the mass of humanity moved onto it, Gary considered waiting for a less populated car, a ride less pullulating with mediocrity and body smells. But coming in from Market Street now was a young female estate planner who in recent months had been giving him talk-to-me smiles, touch-me smiles. To avoid contact with her, he darted through the elevator's closing doors. But the doors bumped his trailing foot and reopened. The young estate planner crowded on next to him.

"The prophet Jeremiah, girl, he speak of the lion. It tell about it in the pamphlet here."

"Like it's 3:11 in the morning and the Clippers lead the Grizzlies 146 - 145 with twelve seconds left in triple overtime."

Absolutely no reverb on a full elevator. Every sound was deadened by clothes and flesh and hairdos. The air prebreathed. The crypt overwarm.

"This pamphlet is the Devil's work."

"Read it over coffeebreak, girl. What the harm in that?"

"Both last-place teams looking to improve their odds in the college draft lottery by losing this otherwise meaningless late-season game."

"Lutetium is a rare-earth element, very rare and from the earth, and it's pure because it's elemental!"

"Like and if he set the clock for 4:11 he could hear all the late scores and only have to wake up once. But there's Davis Cup action in Sydney and it's updated hourly. Can't miss that."

The young estate planner was short and had a pretty face and hennaed hair. She smiled up at Gary as if inviting him to speak. She looked midwestern and happy to be standing next to him.

Gary fixed his gaze on nothing and attempted not to breathe. He was chronically bothered by the T erupting in the middle of the word CenTrust. He wanted to push the T down hard, like a nipple, but when he pushed it down he got no satisfaction. He got cent-rust: a corroded penny.

"Girl, this ain't replacement faith. This supplemental. Isaiah mention that lion, too. Call it the lion of Judah."

"A pro-am thing in Malaysia with an early leader in the clubhouse, but that could change between 2:11 and 3:11. Can't miss that."

"My faith don't need no replacing."

"Sheri, girl, you got a wax deposit in your ear? Listen what I saying. This. Ain't. No. Replacement. Faith. This supplemental."

"It guarantees silky vibrant skin plus an eighteen percent reduction in panic attacks!"

"Like I'm wondering how Samantha feels about the alarm clock going off next to her pillow eight times a night every night."

"All I saying is now's the time to shop is all I saying."

It occurred to Gary, as the young estate planner leaned into him to let a raft of sweltering humanity leave the elevator, as she pressed her hennaed head against his ribs more intimately than seemed strictly necessary, that another reason he'd remained faithful to Caroline through twenty years of marriage was his steadily growing aversion to physical contact with other human beings. Certainly he was in love with fidelity; certainly he got an erotic kick out of adhering to principle; but somewhere between his brain and his balls a wire was also perhaps coming loose, because when he mentally undressed and violated this little red-haired girl his main thought was how stuffy and undisinfected he would find the site of his infidelity-a coliform-bacterial supply closet, a Courtyard by Marriott with dried semen on the walls and bedspreads, the cat-scratch-feverish back seat of whatever adorable VW or Plymouth she no doubt drove, the spore-laden wall-to-wall of her boxlike starter apartment in Montgomeryville or Conshohocken, each site overwarm and underventilated and suggestive of genital warts and chlamydia in its own unpleasant way-and what a struggle it would be to breathe, how smothering her flesh, how squalid and foredoomed his efforts not to condescend .

He bounded out of the elevator on sixteen, taking big cool lungfuls of centrally processed air.

"Your wife's been calling," said his secretary, Maggie. "She wants you to call her right away."

Gary retrieved a stack of messages from his box on Maggie's desk. "Did she say what it is?"

"No, but she sounds upset. Even when I told her you weren't here, she kept calling."

Gary shut himself inside his office and flipped through the messages. Caroline had called at 1:35, 1:40, 1:50, 1:55, and 2:10; it was now 2:25. He pumped his fist in triumph. Finally, finally, some evidence of desperation.

He dialed home and said, "What's up?"

Caroline's voice was shaking. "Gary, something's wrong with your cell phone. I've been trying your cell phone and it doesn't answer. What's wrong with it?"

"I turned it off."

"How long has it been off? I've been trying you for an hour, and now I've got to go get the boys but I don't want to leave the house! I don't know what to do!"

"Caro. Tell me what's wrong."

"There's somebody across the street."

"Who is it?"

"I don't know. Somebody in a car, I don't know. They've been sitting there for an hour."

The tip of Gary's dick was melting like the flame end of a candle. "Well," he said, "did you go see who it is?"

"I'm afraid to," Caroline said. "And the cops say it's a city street."

"They're right. It is a city street."

"Gary, somebody stole the Neverest sign again!" She was practically sobbing. "I came home at noon and it was gone. And then I looked out and this car was there, and there's somebody in the front seat right now."

"What kind of car?"

"Big station wagon. It's old. I've never seen it before."

"Was it there when you came home?"

"I don't know! But now I've got to go get Jonah and I don't want to leave the house, with the sign missing and the car out there-"

"The alarm system is working, though, right?"

"But if I come home and they're still in the house and I surprise them-"

"Caroline, honey, calm down. You'd hear the alarm-"

"Broken glass, an alarm going off, somebody cornered, these people have guns-"

"Look, look, look. Caroline? Here's what you do. Caroline?" The fear in her voice and the need the fear suggested were making him so hot that he had to give himself a squeeze through the fabric of his pants, a pinch of reality. "Call me back on your cell phone," he said. "Keep me on the line, go out and get in the Stomper, and drive down the driveway. You can talk to whoever through the window. I'll be there with you the whole time. All right?"

"OK. OK. I'm calling you right back."

As Gary waited, he thought of the heat and the saltiness and the peach-bruise softness of Caroline's face when she'd been crying, the sound of her swallowing her lachrymal mucus, and the wide-open readiness of her mouth, then, for his. To feel nothing, not the feeblest pulse in the dead mouse from which his urine issued, for three weeks, to believe that she would never again need him and that he would never again want her, and then, on a moment's notice, to become light-headed with lust: this was marriage as he knew it. His telephone rang.

"I'm in the car," Caroline said from the cockpit-like aural space of mobile phoning. "I'm backing up."

"You can get his license number, too. Write it down before you pull up next to him. Let him see you getting it."

"OK. OK."

In tinny miniature he heard the big-animal breathing of her SUV, the rising om of its automatic transmission.

"Oh, fuck, Gary," she wailed, "he's gone! I don't see him! He must have seen me coming and driven away!"

"Good, though, that's good, that's what you wanted."

"No, because he'll circle the block and come back when I'm not here!"

Gary calmed her down and told her how to approach the house safely when she returned with the boys. He promised to keep his cell phone on and come home early. He refrained from comparing her mental health with his.

Depressed? He was not depressed. Vital signs of the rambunctious American economy streamed numerically across his many-windowed television screen. Orfic Midland up a point and three-eighths for the day. The U. S. dollar laughing at the euro, buggering the yen. Virginia Lin dropped in and proposed selling a block of Exxon at 104. Gary could see out across the river to the floodplain landscape of Camden, New Jersey, whose deep ruination, from this height and distance, gave the impression of a kitchen floor with the linoleum scraped off. The sun was"rroud in the south, a source of relief; Gary couldn't stand it when his parents came east and the eastern seaboard's weather stank. The same sun was shining on their cruise ship now, somewhere north of Maine. In a corner of his TV screen was the talking head of Curly Eberle. Gary upsized the picture and raised the sound as Eberle concluded: "A body-building machine for the brain, that's not a bad image, Cindy." The all-business-all-the-time anchors, for whom financial risk was merely the boon companion of upside potential, nodded sagely in response. "Body-building machine for the brain, ho-kay," the female anchor segued, "and coming up, then, a toy that's all the rage in Belgium (!) and its maker says this product could be bigger than the Beanie Babies!" Jay Pascoe dropped in to kvetch about the bond market. Jay's little girls had a new piano teacher now and the same old mother. Gary caught about one word of every three Jay spoke. His nerves were jangling as on the long-ago afternoon before his fifth date with Caroline, when they were so ready to finally be unchaste that each intervening hour was like a granite block to be broken by a shackled prisoner .

He left work at 4:30. In his Swedish sedan he wound his way up Kelly Drive and Lincoln Drive, out of the valley of the Schuylkill and its haze and expressway, its bright flat realities, up through tunnels of shadow and gothic arches of early-autumn leaves along the Wissahickon Creek, and back into the enchanted arboreality of Chestnut Hill.

Caroline's fevered imaginings notwithstanding, the house appeared to be intact. Gary eased the car up the driveway past the bed of hostas and euonymus from which, just as she'd said, another SECURITY BY NEVEREST sign had been stolen. Since the beginning of the year, Gary had planted and lost five SECURITY BY NEVEREST signs. It galled him to be flooding the market with worthless signage, thereby diluting the value of SECURITY BY NEVEREST as a burglary deterrent. Here in the heart of Chestnut Hill, needless to say, the sheet-metal currency of the Neverest and Western Civil Defense and ProPhilaTex signs in every front yard was backed by the full faith and credit of floodlights and retinal scanners, emergency batteries, buried hot lines, and remotely securable doors; but elsewhere in northwest Philly, down through Mount Airy into Germantown and Nicetown where the sociopaths had their dealings and their dwellings, there existed a class of bleeding-heart homeowners who hated what it might say about their "values" to buy their own home-security systems but whose liberal "values" did not preclude stealing Gary's SECURITY BY NEVEREST signs on an almost weekly basis and planting them in their own front yards .

In the garage he was overcome by an Alfred-like urge to recline in the car seat and shut his eyes. Turning off the engine, he seemed to switch off something in his brain as well. Where had his lust and energy disappeared to? This, too, was marriage as he knew it.

He made himself leave the car. A constrictive band of tiredness ran from his eyes and sinuses to his brain stem. Even if Caroline was ready to forgive him, even if he and she could somehow slip away from the kids and fool around (and, realistically, there was no way that they could do this), he was probably too tired to perform now anyway. Stretching out ahead of him were five kid-filled hours before he could be alone with her in bed. Simply to regain the energy he'd had until five minutes ago would require sleep-eight hours of it, maybe ten.

The back door was locked and chained. He gave it the firmest, merriest knock he could manage. Through the window he saw Jonah come trotting over in flip-flops and a swimsuit, enter security code, and unbolt and unchain the door.

"Hello there, Dad, I'm making a sauna in the bathroom," Jonah said as he trotted away again.

The object of Gary's desire, the tear-softened blond female whom he'd reassured on the phone, was sitting next to Caleb and watching a galactic rerun on the kitchen TV. Earnest humanoids in unisex pajamas.

"Hello!" Gary said. "Looks like everything's OK here."

Caroline and Caleb nodded, their eyes on a different planet.

"I guess I'll go put another sign out," Gary said.

"You should nail it to a tree," Caroline said. "Take it off its stick and nail it to a tree."

Nearly unmanned by disappointed expectation, Gary filled his chest with air and coughed. "The idea, Caroline, is that there be a certain classiness and subtlety to the message we're projecting? A certain word-to-the-wise quality? When you have to chain your sign to a tree to keep it from getting stolen-"

"I said nail."

"It's like announcing to the sociopaths: We're whipped! Come and get us! Come and get us!"

"I didn't say chain. I said nail."

Caleb reached for the remote and raised the TV volume.

Gary went to the basement and from a flat cardboard carton took the last of the six signs that a Neverest representative had sold to him in bulk. Considering the cost of a Neverest home-security system, the signs were unbelievably shoddy. The placards were unevenly painted and attached by fragile aluminum rivets to posts of rolled sheet metal too thin to be hammered into the ground (you had to dig a hole).

Caroline didn't look up when he returned to the kitchen. He might have wondered if he'd hallucinated her panicked calls to him if there were not a lingering humidity in his boxer shorts and if, during his thirty seconds in the basement, she hadn't thrown the dead bolt on the back door, engaged the chain, and reset the alarm.

He, of course, was mentally ill, whereas she! She!

"Good Christ," he said as he punched their wedding date into the numeric keypad.

Leaving the door wide open, he went to the front yard and planted the new Neverest sign in the old sterile hole. When he came back a minute later, the door was locked again. He took his keys out and turned the dead bolt and pushed the door open to the extent the chain permitted, triggering the excuse-me-please alarm inside. He shoved on the door, stressing its hinges. He considered putting his shoulder to it and ripping out the chain. With a grimace and a shout Caroline jumped up and clutched her back and stumbled over to enter code within the thirty-second limit. "Gary," she said, "just knock."

"I was in the front yard," he said. "I was fifty feet away. Why are you setting the alarm?"

"You don't understand what it was like here today," she muttered as, limping, she returned to interstellar space. "I'm feeling pretty alone here, Gary. Pretty alone."

"Here I am, though. Right? I'm home now."

"Yes. You're home."

"Hey, Dad, what's for dinner?" Caleb said. "Can we have mixed grill?"

"Yes," Gary said. "I will make dinner and I will do the dishes and I may also trim the hedge, because I, for one, am feeling good! All right, Caroline? Does that sound OK to you?"

"Yes, please, sure, make dinner," she murmured, staring at the TV.

"Good. I will make dinner." Gary clapped his hands and coughed. He felt as if, in his chest and his head, worn-out gears were falling off their axles, chewing into other parts of his internal machinery, as he demanded of his body a bravado, an undepressed energy, that it was simply not equipped to give.

He needed to sleep well tonight for at least six hours. To accomplish this, he planned to drink two vodka martinis and hit the sack before ten. He upended the vodka bottle over a shaker of ice and brazenly let it glug and glug, because he, a veep at CenTrust, had nothing to be ashamed of in relaxing after a hard day's work. He started a mesquite fire and drank the martini down. Like a thrown coin in a wide, teetering orbit of decay, he circled back into the kitchen and managed to get the meat ready, but he felt too tired to cook it. Because Caroline and Caleb had paid no attention to him when he made the first martini, he now made a second, for energy and general bolsterment, and officially considered it his first. Battling the vitreous lensing effects of a vodka buzz, he went out and threw meat on the grill. Again the weariness, again the deficit of every friendly neurofactor overtook him. In plain view of his entire family he made a third (officially: a second) martini and drank it down. Through the window he observed that the grill was in flames.

He filled a Teflon skillet with water and spilled only some of it as he rushed out to pour it on the fire. A cloud of steam and smoke and aerosol grease went up. He flipped all the meat scraps, exposing their charred, glossy undersides. There was a smell of wet burnedness such as firemen leave behind. Not enough life remained in the coals to do more than faintly color the raw sides of the meat scraps, though he left them on for another ten minutes.

His miraculously considerate son Jonah had meanwhile set the table and put out bread and butter. Gary served the less burned and less raw bits of meat to his wife and children. Wielding his knife and fork clumsily, he filled his mouth with cinders and bloody chicken that he was too tired to chew and swallow and also too tired to get up and spit out. He sat with the unchewed bird-flesh in his mouth until he realized that saliva was trickling down his chin-a poor way indeed to demonstrate good mental health. He swallowed the bolus whole. It felt like a tennis ball going down. His family was looking at him.

"Dad, are you feeling OK?" Aaron said.

Gary wiped his chin. "Fine, Aaron, thank you. Ticken's a little chuff. A little tough." He coughed, his esophagus a column of flame.

"Maybe you want to go lie down," Caroline said, as to a child.

"I think I'll trim that hedge," Gary said.

"You seem pretty tired," Caroline said. "Maybe you should lie down instead."

"Not tired, Caroline. Just got some smoke in my eyes."

"Gary-"

"I know you're telling everybody I'm depressed, but, as it happens, I'm not."

"Gary."

"Right, Aaron? Am I right? She told you I'm clinically depressed-right?"

Aaron, caught off guard, looked to Caroline, who shook her head at him slowly and significantly.

"Well? Did she?" Gary said.

Aaron lowered his eyes to his plate, blushing. The spasm of love that Gary felt then for his oldest son, his sweet honest vain blushing son, was intimately connected to the rage that was now propelling him, before he understood what was happening, away from the table. He was cursing in front of his kids. He was saying, " Fuck this, Caroline! Fuck your whispering! I'm going to fucking go trim that fucking hedge!"

Jonah and Caleb lowered their heads, ducking as if under fire. Aaron seemed to be reading the story of his life, in particular his future, on his grease-smeared dinner plate.

Caroline spoke in the calm, low, quavering voice of the patently abused. "OK, Gary, good," she said, "just please then let us enjoy our dinner. Please just go."

Gary went. He stormed outside and crossed the back yard. All the foliage near the house was chalky now with outpouring indoor light, but there was still enough twilight in the western trees to make them silhouettes. In the garage he took the eight-foot stepladder down from its brackets and danced and spun with it, nearly knocking out the windshield of the Stomper before he got control. He hauled the ladder around to the front of the house, turned on lights, and came back for the electric trimmer and the hundred-foot extension cord. To keep the dirty cord from contact with his expensive linen shirt, which he belatedly realized he was still wearing, he let the cord drag behind him and get destructively tangled up in flowers. He stripped down to his T-shirt but didn't stop to change his pants for fear of losing momentum and lying down on the dayheat-radiating lawn and listening to the crickets and the ratcheting cicadas and nodding off. Sustained physical exertion cleared his head to some extent. He mounted the ladder and lopped the lime-green lolling tops off yews, leaning out as far as he dared. Probably, finding himself unable to reach the twelve inches of hedge nearest the house, he should have turned off the clipper and come down and moved the ladder closer, but since it was a matter of twelve inches and he didn't have infinite reserves of energy and patience, he tried to walk the ladder toward the house, to kind of swing its legs and hop with it, while continuing to grip, in his left hand, the running clipper.

The gentle blow, the almost stingless brush or bump, that he then delivered to the meaty palm part of his right thumb proved, on inspection, to have made a deep and heavily bleeding hole that in the best of all possible worlds an emergency physician would have looked at. But Gary was nothing if not conscientious. He knew he was too drunk to drive himself to Chestnut Hill Hospital, and he couldn't ask Caroline to drive him there without raising awkward questions regarding his decision to climb a ladder and operate a power tool while intoxicated, which would collaterally entail admitting how much vodka he'd drunk before dinner and in general paint the opposite of the picture of Good Mental Health that he'd intended to create by coming out to trim the hedge. So while a swarm of skin-biting and fabric-eating insects attracted by the porch lights flew into the house through the front door that Gary, as he hurried inside with his strangely cool blood pooling in the cup of both hands, had neglected to kick shut behind him, he closeted himself in the downstairs bathroom and released the blood into the sink, seeing pomegranate juice, or chocolate syrup, or dirty motor oil, in its ferric swirls. He ran cold water on the gash. From outside the unlocked bathroom door, Jonah asked if he had hurt himself. Gary assembled with his left hand an absorptive pad of toilet paper and pressed it to the wound and one-handedly applied plastic surgical tape that the blood and water immediately made unsticky. There was blood on the toilet seat, blood on the floor, blood on the door.

"Dad, bugs are coming in," Jonah said.

"Yes, Jonah, why don't you shut the door and then go up and take a bath. I'll come up soon and play checkers."

"Can we play chess instead?"

"Yes."

"You have to give me a queen, a bishop, a horse, and a rook, though."

"Yes, go take a bath!"

"Will you come up soon?"

"Yes!"

Gary tore fresh tape from the fanged dispenser and laughed at himself in the mirror to be sure he could still do it. Blood was soaking through the toilet paper, trickling down around his wrist, and loosening the tape. He wrapped the hand in a guest towel, and with a second guest towel, well dampened, he wiped the bathroom clean of blood. He opened the door a crack and listened to Caroline's voice upstairs, to the dishwasher in the kitchen, to Jonah's bathwater running. A trail of blood receded up the central hall toward the front door. Crouching and moving sideways in crab fashion, with his injured hand pressed to his belly, Gary swabbed up the blood with the guest towel. Further blood was spattered on the gray wooden floor of the front porch. Gary walked on the sides of his feet for quiet. He went to the kitchen for a bucket and a mop, and there, in the kitchen, was the liquor cabinet.

Well, he opened it. By holding the vodka bottle in his right armpit he was able to unscrew the cap with his left hand. And as he was raising the bottle, as he was tilting his head to make a late small withdrawal from the rather tiny balance that remained, his gaze drifted over the top of the cabinet door and he saw the camera.

The camera was the size of a deck of cards. It was mounted on an altazimuth bracket above the back door. Its casing was of brushed aluminum. It had a purplish gleam in its eye.

Gary returned the bottle to the cabinet, moved to the sink, and ran water in a bucket. The camera swept thirty degrees to follow him.

He wanted to rip the camera off the ceiling, and, failing that, he wanted to go upstairs and explain to Caleb the dubious morality of spying, and, failing that, he at least wanted to know how long the camera had been in place; but since he had something to hide now, any action he took against the camera, any objection he made to its presence in his kitchen, was bound to strike Caleb as self-serving.

He dropped the bloody, dusty guest towel in the bucket and approached the back door. The camera reared up in its bracket to keep him centered in its field. He stood directly below it and looked into its eye. He shook his head and mouthed the words No, Caleb. Naturally, the camera made no response. Gary realized, now, that the room was probably miked for sound as well. He could speak to Caleb directly, but he was afraid that if he looked up into Caleb's proxy eye and heard his own voice and let it be heard in Caleb's room, the result would be an intolerably strong upsurge in the reality of what was happening. He therefore shook his head again and made a sweeping motion with his left hand, a film director's Cut! Then he took the bucket from the sink and swabbed the front porch.

Because he was drunk, the problem of the camera and Caleb's witnessing of his injury and his furtive involvement with the liquor cabinet didn't stay in Gary's head as an ensemble of conscious thoughts and anxieties but turned in on itself and became a kind of physical presence inside him, a hard tumorous mass descending through his stomach and coming to rest in his lower gut. The problem wasn't going anywhere, of course. But, for the moment, it was impervious to thought.

"Dad?" came Jonah's voice through an upstairs window. "I'm ready to play chess now."

By the time Gary went inside, having left the hedge half-clipped and the ladder in an ivy bed, his blood had soaked through three layers of toweling and bloomed on the surface as a pinkish spot of plasma filtered of its corpuscles. He was afraid of meeting somebody in the hallway, Caleb or Caroline certainly, but especially Aaron, because Aaron had asked him if he was feeling all right, and Aaron had not been able to lie to him, and these small demonstrations of Aaron's love were in a way the scariest part of the whole evening.

"Why is there a towel on your hand?" Jonah asked as he removed half of Gary's forces from the chessboard.

"I cut myself, Jonah. I'm keeping some ice on the cut."

"You smell like al-co-hol." Jonah's voice was lilting.

"Alcohol is a powerful disinfectant," Gary said.

Jonah moved a pawn to K4. "I'm talking about the al-co-hol you drank, though."

By ten o'clock Gary was in bed and thus arguably still in compliance with his original plan, arguably still on track to-what? Well, he didn't exactly know. But if he got some sleep he might be able to see his way forward. In order not to bleed on the sheets he'd put his injured hand, towel and all, inside a Bran'nola bread bag. He turned out the nightstand light and faced the wall, his bagged hand cradled against his chest, the sheet and the summer blanket pulled up over his shoulder. He slept hard for a while and was awakened in the darkened room by the throbbing of his hand. The flesh on either side of the gash was twitching as if it had worms in it, pain fanning out along five carpi. Caroline breathed evenly, asleep. Gary got up to empty his bladder and take four Advils. When he returned to bed, his last, pathetic plan fell apart, because he could not get back to sleep. He had the sensation that blood was running out of the Bran'nola bag. He considered getting up and sneaking out to the garage and driving to the emergency room. He added up the hours this would take him and the amount of wakefulness he would have to burn off upon returning, and he subtracted the total from the hours of night remaining until he had to get up and go to work, and he concluded that he was better off just sleeping until six and then, if need be, stopping at the ER on his way to work; but this was all contingent on his ability to fall back asleep, and since he couldn't do this, he reconsidered and recalculated, but now there were fewer minutes remaining of the night than when he'd first considered getting up and sneaking out. The calculus was cruel in its regression. He got up again to piss. The problem of Caleb's surveillance lay, indigestible, in his gut. He was mad to wake up Caroline and fuck her. His hurt hand pulsed. It felt elephantine; he had a hand the size and weight of an armchair, each finger a soft log of exquisite sensitivity. And Denise kept looking at him with hatred. And his mother kept yearning for her Christmas. And he slipped briefly into a room in which his father had been strapped into an electric chair and fitted with a metal helmet, and Gary's own hand was on the old-fashioned stirrup-like power switch, which he'd evidently already thrown, because Alfred came leaping from the chair fantastically galvanized, horribly smiling, a travesty of enthusiasm, dancing around with rigid jerking limbs and circling the room at double-speed and then falling hard, face down, wham, like a ladder with its legs together, and lying prone there on the execution-room floor with every muscle in his body galvanically twitching and boiling--

Gray light was in the windows when Gary got up to piss for the fourth or fifth time. The morning's humidity and warmth felt more like July than October. A haze or fog on Seminole Street confused-or disembodied-or refracted-the cawing of crows as they worked their way up the Hill, over Navajo Road and Shawnee Street, like local teenagers heading to the Wawa Food Market parking lot ("Club Wa" they called it, according to Aaron) to smoke their cigarettes.

He lay down again and waited for sleep.

"-day the fifth of October, among the top news stories we're following this morning, with his execution now less than twenty-four hours away, lawyers for Khellye-" said Caroline's clock radio before she swatted it silent.

In the next hour, while he listened to the rising of his sons and the sound of their breakfasts and the blowing of a trumpet line by John Philip Sousa, courtesy of Aaron, a radical new plan took shape in Gary's brain. He lay fetally on his side, very still, facing the wall, with his Bran'nola-bagged hand against his chest. His radical new plan was to do absolutely nothing.

"Gary, are you awake?" Caroline said from a medium distance, the doorway presumably. "Gary?"

He did nothing; didn't answer.

"Gary?"

He wondered if she might be curious about why he was doing nothing, but already her footsteps were receding up the hall and she was calling, "Jonah, come on, you're going to be late."

"Where's Dad?" Jonah said.

"He's still in bed, let's go."

There was a patter of little feet, and now came the first real challenge to Gary's radical new plan. From somewhere closer than the doorway Jonah spoke. "Dad? We're leaving now. Dad?" And Gary had to do nothing. He had to pretend he couldn't hear or wouldn't hear, he had to inflict his general strike, his clinical depression, on the one creature he wished he could have spared. If Jonah came any closer-if, for example, he came and gave him a hug-Gary doubted he would be able to stay silent and unmoving. But Caroline was calling from downstairs again, and Jonah hurried out.

Distantly Gary heard the beeping of his anniversary date being entered to arm the perimeter. Then the toast-smelling house was silent and he shaped his face into the expression of bottomless suffering and self-pity that Caroline wore when her back was hurting. He understood, as he never had before, how much comfort this expression yielded.

He thought about getting up, but he didn't need anything. He didn't know when Caroline was coming back; if she was working at the CDF today, she might not return until three. It didn't matter. He would be here.

As it happened, Caroline came back in half an hour. The sounds of her departure were reversed. He heard the approaching Stomper, the disarming code, the footsteps on the stairs. He sensed his wife in the doorway, silent, watching him.

"Gary?" she said in a lower, more tender voice.

He did nothing. He lay. She came over to him and knelt by the bed. "What is it? Are you sick?"

He didn't answer.

"What is this bag for? My God. What did you do?"

He said nothing.

"Gary, say something. Are you depressed?"

"Yes."

She sighed then. Weeks of accumulated tension were draining from the room.

"I surrender," Gary said.

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have to go to St. Jude," he said. "Nobody who doesn't want to go has to go."

It cost him a lot to say this, but there was a reward. He felt Caroline's warmth approaching, its radiance, before she touched him. The sun rising, the first brush of her hair on his neck as she leaned over him, the approach of her breath, the gentle touching-down of her lips on his cheek. She said, "Thank you."

"I may have to go for Christmas Eve but I'll come back for Christmas."

"Thank you."

"I'm extremely depressed."

"Thank you."

"I surrender," Gary said.

An irony, of course, was that as soon as he'd surrendered-possibly as soon as he'd confessed to his depression, almost certainly by the time he showed her his hand and she put a proper bandage on it, and absolutely no later than the moment at which, with a locomotive as long and hard and heavy as an O-gauge model railroad engine, he tunneled up into wet and gently corrugated recesses that even after twenty years of traveling through them still felt unexplored (his approach was spoon-style, from behind, so that Caroline could keep her lower back arched outward and he could harmlessly drape his bandaged hand across her flank; the screwing wounded, the two of them were)-he not only no longer felt depressed, he felt euphoric.

The thought came to him-inappropriately, perhaps, considering the tender conjugal act that he was now engaged in; but he was who he was, he was Gary Lambert, he had inappropriate thoughts and he was sick of apologizing!-that he could now safely ask Caroline to buy him 4,500 shares of Axon and that she would gladly do it.

She rose and dipped like a top on a tiny point of contact, her entire, sexual being almost weightless on the moistened tip of his middle finger.

He spent himself gloriously. Spent and spent and spent.

They were still lying naked at the hooky-playing hour of nine-thirty on a Tuesday when the phone on Caroline's nightstand rang. Gary, answering, was shocked to hear his mother's voice. He was shocked by the reality of her existence.

"I'm calling from the ship," Enid said.

For one guilty instant, before it registered with him that phoning from a ship was expensive and that his mother's news could therefore not be good, Gary believed that she was calling because she knew that he'd betrayed her.

TWO HUNDRED HOURS, darkness, the Gunnar Myrdal: all around the old man, running water sang mysteriously in metal pipes. As the ship sliced open the black sea east of Nova Scotia, the horizontal faintly pitched, bow to stern, as if despite its great steel competence the ship were uneasy and could solve the problem of a liquid hill only by cutting through it quickly; as if its stability depended on such a glossing over of flotation's terrors. There was another world below-this was the problem. Another world below that had volume but no form. By day the sea was blue surface and whitecaps, a realistic navigational challenge, and the problem could be overlooked. By night, though, the mind went forth and dove down through the yielding-the violently lonely-nothingness on which the heavy steel ship traveled, and in every moving swell you saw a travesty of grids, you saw how truly and forever lost a man would be six fathoms under. Dry land lacked this z-axis. Dry land was like being awake. Even in chartless desert you could drop to your knees and pound land with your fist and land didn't give. Of course the ocean, too, had a skin of wakefulness. But every point on this skin was a point where you could sink and by sinking disappear.

As things pitched, so they trembled. There was a shivering in the Gunnar Myrdal's framework, an endless shudder in the floor and bed and birch-paneled walls. A syncopated tremor so fundamental to the ship, and so similar to Parkinson's in the way it constantly waxed without seeming ever to wane, that Alfred had located the problem within himself until he overheard younger, healthier passengers remarking on it.

He lay approximately awake in Stateroom B11. Awake in a metal box that pitched and trembled, a dark metal box moving somewhere in the night.

There was no porthole. A room with a view would have cost hundreds of dollars more, and Enid had reasoned that since a stateroom was mainly used for sleeping who needed a porthole, at that price? She might look through it six times on the voyage. That was fifty dollars a look.

She was sleeping now, silently, like a person feigning sleep. Alfred asleep was a symphony of snoring and whistling and choking, an epic of Z's. Enid was a haiku. She lay still for hours and then blinked awake like a light switched on. Sometimes at dawn in St. Jude, in the long minute it took the clock-radio to flip a digit, the only moving thing in the house was the eye of Enid.

On the morning of Chip's conception she'd merely looked like she was shamming sleep, but on the morning of Denise's, seven years later, she really was pretending. Alfred in middle age had invited such venial deceptions. A decade-plus of marriage had turned him into one of the overly civilized predators you hear about in zoos, the Bengal tiger that forgets how to kill, the lion lazy with depression. To exert attraction, Enid had to be a still, unbloody carcass. If she actively reached out, actively threw a thigh over his, he braced himself against her and withheld his face; if she so much as stepped from the bathroom naked he averted his eyes, as the Golden Rule enjoined the man who hated to be seen himself. Only early in the morning, waking to the sight of her small white shoulder, did he venture from his lair. Her stillness and self-containment, the slow sips of air she took, her purely vulnerable object-hood, made him pounce. And feeling his padded paw on her ribs and his meat-seeking breath on her neck she went limp, as if with prey's instinctive resignation ("Let's get this dying over with"), although in truth her passivity was calculated, because she knew passivity inflamed him. He had her, and to some extent she wanted to be had, like an animal: in a mute mutual privacy of violence. She, too, kept her eyes shut. Often didn't even roll from the side she'd been lying on but simply flared her hip, brought her knee up in a vaguely proctologic reflex. Then without showing her his face he departed for the bathroom, where he washed and shaved and emerged to see the bed already made and to hear, downstairs, the percolator gulping. From Enid's perspective in the kitchen maybe a lion, not her husband, had voluptuously mauled her, or maybe one of the men in uniform she ought to have married had slipped into her bed. It wasn't a wonderful life, but a woman could subsist on self-deceptions like these and on her memories (which also now curiously seemed like self-deceptions) of the early years when he'd been mad for her and had looked into her eyes. The important thing was to keep it all tacit. If the act was never spoken of, there would be no reason to discontinue it until she was definitely pregnant again, and even after pregnancy no reason not to resume it, as long as it was never mentioned.

She'd always wanted three children. The longer nature denied her a third, the less fulfilled she felt in comparison to her neighbors. Bea Meisner, though fatter and dumber than Enid, publicly smooched with her husband, Chuck; twice a month the Meisners hired a sitter and went dancing. Every October without fail Dale Driblett took his wife, Honey, someplace extravagant and out of state for their anniversary, and the many young Dribletts all had birthdays in July. Even Esther and Kirby Root could be seen at barbecues patting each other's well-marbled bottoms. It frightened and shamed Enid, the loving-kindness of other couples. She was a bright girl with good business skills who had gone directly from ironing sheets and tablecloths at her mother's boardinghowse to ironing sheets and shirts chez Lambert. In every neighbor woman's eyes she saw the tacit question: Did Al at least make her feel super-special in that special way?

As soon as she was visibly pregnant again, she had a tacit answer. The changes in her body were incontrovertible, and she imagined so vividly the flattering inferences about her love life that Bea and Esther and Honey might draw from these changes that soon enough she drew the inferences herself.

Made happy in this way by pregnancy, she got sloppy and talked about the wrong thing to Alfred. Not, needless to say, about sex or fulfillment or fairness. But there were other topics scarcely less forbidden, and Enid in her giddiness one morning overstepped. She suggested he buy shares of a certain stock. Alfred said the stock market was a lot of dangerous nonsense best left to wealthy men and idle speculators. Enid suggested he nonetheless buy shares of a certain stock. Alfred said he remembered Black Tuesday as if it were yesterday. Enid suggested he nonetheless buy shares of a certain stock. Alfred said it would be highly improper to buy that stock. Enid suggested he nonetheless buy it. Alfred said they had no money to spare and now a third child coming. Enid suggested that money could be borrowed. Alfred said no. He said no in a much louder voice and stood up from the breakfast table. He said no so loudly that a decorative copper-plate bowl on the kitchen wall briefly hummed, and without kissing her goodbye he left the house for eleven days and ten nights.

Who would have guessed that such a little mistake on her part could change everything?

In August the Midland Pacific had made Alfred its assistant chief engineer for track and structures, and now he'd been sent east to inspect every mile of the Erie Belt Railroad. Erie Belt district managers shuttled him around in dinky gas-powered motor cars, darting in bug fashion onto sidings while Erie Belt megalosaurs thundered past. The Erie Belt was a regional system whose freight business trucks had damaged and whose passenger business private automobiles had driven into the red. Although its trunk lines were still generally hale, its branches and spurs were rotting like you couldn't believe. Trains poked along at 10 mph on rails no straighter than limp string. Mile upon mile of hopelessly buckled Belt. Alfred saw crossties better suited to mulching than to gripping spikes. Rail anchors that had lost their heads to rust, bodies wasting inside a crust of corrosion like shrimps in a shell of deep-fry. Ballast so badly washed out that ties were hanging from the rail rather than supporting it. Girders peeling and corrupted like German chocolate cake, the dark shavings, the miscellaneous crumble.

How modest-compared to the furious locomotive-a stretch of weedy track could seem, skirting a field of late sorghum. But without this track a train was ten thousand tons of ungovernable nothing. The will was in the track.

Everywhere Alfred went in the Erie Belt's hinterland he heard young Erie Belt employees telling one another, "Take it easy!"

"See ya later, Sam. Don't work too hard, now."

"Take it easy."

"You too, pal. Take it easy."

The phrase seemed to Alfred an eastern blight, a fitting epitaph for a once-great state, Ohio, that parasitic Teamsters had sucked nearly dry. Nobody in St. Jude would dare tell him to take it easy. On the high prairie where he'd grown up, a person who took it easy wasn't much of a man. Now came a new effeminate generation for whom "easygoing" was a compliment. Alfred heard Erie Belt track gangs yukking it up on company time, he saw flashily dressed clerks taking ten-minute breaks for coffee, he watched callow draftsmen smoke cigarettes with insinuating relish while a once-solid railroad fell to pieces all around them. "Take it easy" was the watchword of these superfriendly young men, the token of their overfamiliarity, the false reassurance that enabled them to ignore the filth they worked in.

The Midland Pacific, by contrast, was clean steel and white concrete. Crossties so new that blue creosote pooled in their grain. The applied science of vibratory tamping and prestressed rebar, motion detectors and welded rail. The Midpac was based in St. Jude and served a harder-working, less eastern region of the country. Unlike the Erie Belt, it took pride in its commitment to maintaining quality service on its branch lines. A thousand towns and small cities across the central tiers of states depended on the Midpac.

The more Alfred saw of the Erie Belt, the more distinctly he felt the Midland Pacific's superior size, strength, and moral vitality in his own limbs and carriage. In his shirt and tie and wing tips he nimbly took the catwalk over the Maumee River, forty feet above slag barges and turbid water, grabbed the truss's lower chord and leaned out upside down to whack the span's principal girder with his favorite whacking hammer, which he carried everywhere in his briefcase; scabs of paint and rust as big as sycamore leaves spiraled down into the river. A yard engine ringing its bell crept onto the span, and Alfred, who had no fear of heights, leaned into a hanger brace and planted his feet in the matchstick ties sticking out over the river. While the ties waggled and jumped he jotted on his clipboard a damning assessment of the bridge's competence.

Maybe some of the women drivers crossing the Maumee on the neighboring Cherry Street bridge saw him perched there, flat of belly and broad of shoulder, the wind winding his cuffs around his ankles, and maybe they felt, as Enid had felt the first time she'd laid eyes on him, that here was a man. Although he was oblivious to their glances, Alfred experienced from within what they saw from without. By day he felt like a man, and he showed this, you might even say flaunted it, by standing no-handedly on high narrow ledges, and working ten and twelve hours without a break, and cataloguing an eastern railroad's effeminacies.

Nighttime was a different matter. By night he lay awake on mattresses that felt made of cardboard and catalogued the faults of humanity. It seemed as if, in every motel he stayed in, he had neighbors who fornicated like there was no tomorrow-men of ill-breeding and poor discipline, women who chuckled and screamed. At 1 a. m. in Erie, Pennsylvania, a girl in the next room ranted and panted like a strumpet. Some slick, worthless fellow having his way with her. Alfred blamed the girl for taking it easy. He blamed the man for his easygoing confidence. He blamed both of them for lacking the consideration to keep their voices down. How could they never once stop to think of their neighbor, lying awake in the next room? He blamed God for allowing such people to exist. He blamed democracy for inflicting them on him. He blamed the motel's architect for trusting a single layer of cinder block to preserve the repose of paying customers. He blamed the motel management for not keeping in reserve a room for guests who suffered. He blamed the frivolous, easygoing townspeople of Washington, Pennsylvania, who had driven 150 miles for a high-school football championship game and filled every motel room in northwest Pennsylvania. He blamed his fellow guests for their indifference to the fornication, he blamed all of humanity for its insensitivity, and it was so unfair. It was unfair that the world could be so inconsiderate to a man who was so considerate to the world. No man worked harder than he, no man made a quieter motel neighbor, no man was more of a man, and yet the phonies of the world were allowed to rob him of sleep with their lewd transactions .

He refused to weep. He believed that if he heard himself weeping, at two in the morning in a smoke-smelling motel room, the world might end. If nothing else, he had discipline. The power to refuse: he had this.

But his exercising of it went unthanked. The bed in the next room thudded against the wall, the man groaning like a ham, the girl gasping in her ululations. And every waitress in every town had spherical mammaries insufficiently buttoned into a monogrcmmed blouse and made a point of leaning over him.

"More coffee, good-lookin'?"

"Ah, yes, please."

"You blushin', sweetheart, or is that the sun comin' up?"

"I will take the check now, thank you."

And in the Olmsted Hotel in Cleveland he surprised a porter and a maid lasciviously osculating in a stairwell. And the tracks he saw when he closed his eyes were a zipper that he endlessly unzipped, and the signals behind him turned from forbidding red to willing green the instant he passed them, and in a saggy bed in Fort Wayne awful succubuses descended on him, women whose entire bodies-their very clothes and smiles, the crossings of their legs-exuded invitation like vaginas, and up to the surface of his consciousness (do not soil the bed!) he raced the welling embolus of spunk, his eyes opening to Fort Wayne at sunrise as a scalding nothing drained into his pajamas: a victory, all things considered, for he'd denied the succubuses his satisfaction. But in Buffalo the trainmaster had a pinup of Brigitte Bardot on his office door, and in Youngstown Alfred found a filthy magazine beneath the motel telephone book, and in Hammond, Indiana, he was trapped on a siding while a freight train slid past him and varsity cheerleaders did splits on the ball field directly to his left, the blondest girl actually bouncing a little at the very bottom of her split, as if she had to kiss the cleat-chewed sod with her cotton-clad vulva, and the caboose rocking saucily as the train finally receded up the tracks: how the world seemed bent on torturing a man of virtue.

He returned to St. Jude in an executive car appended to an intercity freight run, and from Union Station he took the commuter local to the suburbs. In the blocks between the station and his house the last leaves were coming down. It was the season of hurtling, hurtling toward winter. Cavalries of leaf wheeled across the bitten lawns. He stopped in the street and looked at the house that he and a bank owned. The gutters were plugged with twigs and acorns, the mum beds were blasted. It occurred to him that his wife was pregnant again. Months were rushing him forward on their rigid track, carrying him closer to the day he'd be the father of three, the year he'd pay off his mortgage, the season of his death.

"I like your suitcase," Chuck Meisner said through the window of his commuter Fairlane, braking in the street alongside him. "For a second I thought you were the Fuller Brush man."

"Chuck," said Alfred, startled. "Hello."

"Planning a conquest. The husband's out of town forever."

Alfred laughed because there was nothing else for it. He and Chuck met in the street often, the engineer standing at attention, the banker relaxing at the wheel. Alfred in a suit and Chuck in golfwear. Alfred lean and flattopped. Chuck shiny-pated, saggy-breasted. Chuck worked easy hours at the branch he managed, but Alfred nonetheless considered him a friend. Chuck actually listened to what he said, seemed impressed with the work he did, and recognized him as a person of singular abilities.

"Saw Enid in church on Sunday," Chuck said. "She told me you'd been gone a week already."

"Eleven days I was on the road."

"Emergency somewhere?"

"Not exactly." Alfred spoke with pride. "I was inspecting every mile of track on the Erie Belt Railroad."

"Erie Belt. Huh." Chuck hooked his thumbs over the steering wheel, resting his hands on his lap. He was the most easygoing driver Alfred knew, yet also the most alert. "You do your job well, Al," he said. "You're a fantastic engineer. So there's got to be a reason why the Erie Belt."

"There is indeed," Alfred said. "Midpac's buying it."

The Fairlane's engine sneezed once in a canine way. Chuck had grown up on a farm near Cedar Rapids, and the optimism of his nature was rooted in the deep, well-watered topsoil of eastern Iowa. Farmers in eastern Iowa never learned not to trust the world. Whereas any soil that might have nurtured hope in Alfred had blown away in one or another west Kansan drought.

"So," Chuck said. "I imagine there's been a public announcement."

"No. No announcement."

Chuck nodded, looking past Alfred at the Lambert house. "Enid'll be happy to see you. I think she's had a hard week. The boys have been sick."

"You'll keep that information quiet."

"Al, Al, Al."

"I wouldn't mention it to anyone but you."

"Appreciate it. You're a good friend and a good Christian. And I've got about four holes' worth of daylight if I'm going to get that hedge pruned back."

The Fairlane inched into motion, Chuck steering it into his driveway with one index finger, as if dialing his broker.

Alfred picked up his suitcase and briefcase. It had been both spontaneous and the opposite of spontaneous, his disclosure. A spasm of goodwill and gratitude to Chuck, a calculated emission of the fury that had been building inside him for eleven days. A man travels two thousand miles but he can't take the last twenty steps without doing something--

And it did seem unlikely that Chuck would actually use the information--

Entering the house through the kitchen door, Alfred saw chunks of raw rutabaga in a pot of water, a rubber-banded bunch of beet greens, and some mystery meat in brown butcher paper. Also a casual onion that looked destined to be fried and served with-liver?

On the floor by the basement stairs was a nest of magazines and jelly glasses.

"Al?" Enid called from the basement.

He set down his suitcase and briefcase, gathered the magazines and jelly glasses in his arms, and carried them down the steps.

Enid parked her iron on the ironing board and emerged from the laundry room with butterflies in her stomach-whether from lust or from fear of Al's rage or from fear that she might become enraged herself she didn't know.

He set her straight in a hurry. "What did I ask you to do before I left?"

"You're home early," she said. "The boys are still at the Y."

"What is the one thing I asked you to do while I was gone?"

"I'm catching up on laundry. The boys have been sick."

"Do you remember," he said, "that I asked you to take care of the mess at the top of the stairs? That that was the one thing-the one thing-I asked you to do while I was gone?"

Without waiting for an answer, he went into his metallurgy lab and dumped the magazines and jelly glasses into a heavy-duty trash can. From the hammer shelf he took a badly balanced hammer, a crudely forged Neanderthal club that he hated and kept only for purposes of demolition, and methodically broke each jelly glass. A splinter hit his cheek and he swung more furiously, smashing the shards into smaller shards, but nothing could eradicate his transgression with Chuck Meisner, or the grass-damp triangles of cheerleading leotard, no matter how he hammered.

Enid listened from her station at the ironing board. She didn't care much for the reality of this moment. That her husband had left town eleven days ago without kissing her goodbye was a thing she'd halfway succeeded in forgetting. With the living Al absent, she'd alchemically transmuted her base resentments into the gold of longing and remorse. Her swelling womb, the pleasures of the fourth month, the time alone with her handsome boys, the envy of her neighbors all were colorful philtres over which she'd waved the wand of her imagination. Even as Al had come down the stairs she'd still imagined apologies, homecoming kisses, a bouquet of flowers maybe. Now she heard the ricochet of broken glass and glancing hammer blows on heavy-gauge galvanized iron, the frustrated shrieks of hard materials in conflict. The philtres may have been colorful but unfortunately (she saw now) they were chemically inert. Nothing had really changed.

It was true that Al had asked her to move the jars and magazines, and there was probably a word for the way she'd stepped around those jars and magazines for the last eleven days, often nearly stumbling on them; maybe a psychiatric word with many syllables or maybe a simple word like "spite." But it seemed to her that he'd asked her to do more than "one thing" while he was gone. He'd also asked her to make the boys three meals a day, and clothe them and read to them and nurse them in sickness, and scrub the kitchen floor and wash the sheets and iron his shirts, and do it all without a husband's kisses or kind words. If she tried to get credit for these labors of hers, however, Al simply asked her whose labors had paid for the house and food and linens? Never mind that his work so satisfied him that he didn't need her love, while her chores so bored her that she needed his love doubly. In any rational accounting, his work canceled her work.

Perhaps, in strict fairness, since he'd asked her to do "one thing" extra, she might have asked him to do "one thing" extra, too. She might have asked him to telephone her once from the road, for example. But he could argue that "someone's going to trip on those magazines and hurt themselves," whereas no one was going to trip over his not calling her from the road, no one was going to hurt themselves over that. And charging long-distance calls to the company was an abuse of his expense account ("You have my office number if there's an emergency"), and so a phone call cost the household quite a bit of money, whereas carrying junk into the basement cost it no money, and so she was always wrong, and it was demoralizing to dwell perpetually in the cellar of your wrongness, to wait perpetually for someone to take pity on you in your wrongness, and so it was no wonder, really, that she'd shopped for the Dinner of Revenge.

Halfway up the basement stairs, on her way to preparing this dinner, she paused and gave a sigh.

Alfred heard the sigh and suspected it had to do with "laundry" and "four months pregnant." However, his own mother had driven a team of plow horses around a twenty-acre field when she was eight months pregnant, so he was not exactly sympathetic. He gave his bleeding cheek a styptic dusting of ammonium aluminum sulfate.

From the front door of the house came a thumping of little feet and a mittened knocking, Bea Meisner dropping off her human cargo. Enid hurried on up the stairs to accept delivery. Gary and Chipper, her fifth-grader and her first-grader, had the chlorination of the Y about them. With their damp hair they looked riparian. Muskratty, beaverish. She called thanks to Bea's taillights.

As fast as they could without running (forbidden indoors), the boys proceeded to the basement, dropped their logs of sodden terry cloth in the laundry room, and found their father in his laboratory. It was in their nature to throw their arms around him, but this nature had been corrected out of them. They stood and waited, like company subordinates, for the boss to speak.

"So!" he said. "You've been swimming."

"I'm a Dolphin!" Gary cried. He was an unaccountably cheerful boy. "I got my Dolphin clip!"

"A Dolphin. Well, well." To Chipper, to whom life had offered mainly tragic perspectives since he was about two years old, the boss more gently said: "You, lad?"

"We used kickboards," Chipper said.

"He's a Tadpole," Gary said.

"So. A Dolphin and a Tadpole. And what special skills do you bring to the workplace now that you're a Dolphin?"

"Scissors kick."

"I wish I'd had a nice big swimming pool like that when I was growing up," the boss said, although for all he knew the pool at the Y was neither nice nor big. "Except for some muddy water in a cow pond I don't recall seeing water deeper than three feet until I saw the Platte River. I must have been nearly ten."

His youthful subordinates weren't following. They shifted on their feet, Gary still smiling tentatively as though hopeful of an upturn in the conversation, Chipper frankly gaping at the laboratory, which was forbidden territory except when the boss was in it. The air here tasted like steel wool.

Alfred regarded his two subordinates gravely. Fraternizing had always been a struggle for him. "Have you been helping your mother in the kitchen?" he said.

When a subject didn't interest Chipper, as this one didn't, he thought about girls, and when he thought about girls he felt a surge of hope. On the wings of this hope he floated from the laboratory and up the stairs.

"Ask me nine times twenty-three," Gary told the boss.

"All right," Alfred said. "What is nine times twenty-three?"

"Two hundred seven. Ask me another."

"What's twenty-three squared?"

In the kitchen Enid dredged the Promethean meat in flour and laid it in a Westinghouse electric pan large enough to fry nine eggs in ticktacktoe formation. A cast aluminum lid clattered as the rutabaga water came abruptly to a boil. Earlier in the day a half package of bacon in the refrigerator had suggested liver to her, the drab liver had suggested a complement of bright yellow, and so the Dinner had taken shape. Unfortunately, when she went to cook the bacon she discovered there were only three strips, not the six or eight she'd imagined. She was now struggling to believe that three strips would suffice for the entire family.

"What's that?" said Chipper with alarm.

"Liver 'n' bacon!"

Chipper backed out of the kitchen shaking his head in violent denial. Some days were ghastly from the outset; the breakfast oatmeal was studded with chunks of date like chopped-up cockroach; bluish swirls of inhomogeneity in his milk; a doctor's appointment after breakfast. Other days, like this one, did not reveal their full ghastliness till they were nearly over.

He reeled through the house repeating: "Ugh, horrible, ugh, horrible, ugh, horrible, ugh, horrible ."

"Dinner in five minutes, wash your hands," Enid called.

Cauterized liver had the odor of fingers that had handled dirty coins.

Chipper came to rest in the living room and pressed his face against the window, hoping for a glimpse of Cindy Meisner in her dining room. He had sat next to Cindy returning from the Y and smelled the chlorine on her. A sodden Band-Aid had clung by a few lingering bits of stickum to her knee.

Thukkety thukkety thukkety went Enid's masher round the pot of sweet, bitter, watery rutabaga.

Alfred washed his hands in the bathroom, gave the soap to Gary, and employed a small towel.

"Picture a square," he said to Gary.

Enid knew that Alfred hated liver, but the meat was full of health-bringing iron, and whatever Alfred's shortcomings as a husband, no one could say he didn't play by the rules. The kitchen was her domain, and he never meddled.

"Chipper, have you washed your hands?"

It seemed to Chipper that if he could only see Cindy again for one moment he might be rescued from the Dinner. He imagined being with her in her house and following her to her room. He imagined her room as a haven from danger and responsibility.

"Chipper?"

"You square A, you square B, and you add twice the product of A and B," Alfred told Gary as they sat down at the table.

"Chipper, you better wash your hands," Gary warned.

Alfred pictured a square:

Figure 1. Large Square & Smaller Squares "I'm sorry I'm a little short on bacon," Enid said. "I thought I had more."

In the bathroom Chipper was reluctant to wet his hands because he was afraid he would never get them dry again. He let the water run audibly while he rubbed his hands with a towel. His failure to glimpse Cindy through the window had wrecked his composure.

"We had high fevers," Gary reported. "Chipper had an earache, too."

Brown grease-soaked flakes of flour were impastoed on the ferrous lobes of liver like corrosion. The bacon also, what little there was of it, had the color of rust.

Chipper trembled in the bathroom doorway. You encountered a misery near the end of the day and it took a while to gauge its full extent. Some miseries had sharp curvature and could be negotiated readily. Others had almost no curvature and you knew you'd be spending hours turning the corner. Great whopping-big planet-sized miseries. The Dinner of Revenge was one of these.

"How was your trip," Enid asked Alfred because she had to sometime.

"Tiring."

"Chipper, sweetie, we're all sitting down."

"I'm counting to five," Alfred said.

"There's bacon, you like bacon," Enid sang. This was a cynical, expedient fraud, one of her hundred daily conscious failures as a mother.

"Two, three, four," Alfred said.

Chipper ran to take his place at the table. No point in getting spanked.

"Blessalor this foodier use nusta thy service make asair mindful neesa others Jesus name amen," Gary said.

A dollop of mashed rutabaga at rest on a plate expressed a clear yellowish liquid similar to plasma or the matter in a blister. Boiled beet greens leaked something cupric, greenish. Capillary action and the thirsty crust of flour drew both liquids under the liver. When the liver was lifted, a faint suction could be heard. The sodden lower crust was unspeakable.

Chipper considered the life of a girl. To go through life softly, to be a Meisner, to play in that house and be loved like a girl.

"You want to see my jail I made with Popsicle sticks?" Gary said.

"A jail, well well," Alfred said.

The provident young person neither ate his bacon immediately nor let it be soaked by the vegetable juices. The provident young person evacuated his bacon to the higher ground at the plate's edge and stored it there as an incentive. The provident young person ate his bite of fried onions, which weren't good but also weren't bad, if he needed a preliminary treat.

"We had a den meeting yesterday," Enid said. "Gary, honey, we can look at your jail after dinner."

"He made an electric chair," Chipper said. "To go in his jail. I helped."

"Ah? Well well."

"Mom got these huge boxes of Popsicle sticks," Gary said.

"It's the Pack," Enid said. "The Pack gets a discount."

Alfred didn't think much of the Pack. A bunch of fathers taking it easy ran the Pack. Pack-sponsored activities were lightweight: contests involving airplanes of balsa, or cars of pinewood, or trains of paper whose boxcars were books read.

(Schopenhauer: If you want a safe compass to guide you through life . you cannot do better than accustom yourself to regard this world as a penitentiary, a sort of penal colony.)

"Gary, say again what you are," said Chipper, for whom Gary was the glass of fashion. "Are you a Wolf?"

"One more Achievement and I'm a Bear."

"What are you now, though, a Wolf ?"

"I'm a Wolf but basically I'm a Bear. All's I have to do now is Conversation."

"Conservation," Enid corrected. "All I have to do now is Conservation."

"It's not Conversation?"

"Steve Driblett made a gillateen but it didn't work," Chipper said.

"Driblett's a Wolf."

"Brent Person made a plane but it busted in half."

"Person is a Bear."

"Say broke, sweetie, not busted."

"Gary, what's the biggest firecracker?" Chipper said.

"M-80. Then cherry bombs."

"Wouldn't it be neat to get an M-80 and put it in your jail and blow it up?"

"Lad," Alfred said, "I don't see you eating your dinner."

Chipper was growing emceeishly expansive; for the moment, the Dinner had no reality. "Or seven M-80s," he said, "and you blew 'em all at once, or one after another, wouldn't it be neat?"

"I'd put a charge in every corner and then put extra fuse," Gary said. "I'd wind the fuses together and detonate them all at once. That's the best way to do it, isn't it, Dad. Separate the charges and put an extra fuse, isn't it. Dad?"

"Seven thousand hundred million M-80s," Chipper cried. He made explosive noises to suggest the megatonnage he had in mind.

"Chipper," Enid said with smooth deflection, "tell Dad where we're all going next week."

"The den's going to the Museum of Transport and I get to come, too," Chipper recited.

"Oh Enid." Alfred made a sour face. "What are you taking them there for?"

"Bea says it's very interesting and fun for kids."

Alfred shook his head, disgusted. "What does Bea Meisner know about transportation?"

"It's perfect for a den meeting," Enid said. "There's a real steam engine the boys can sit in."

"What they have," Alfred said, "is a thirty-year-old Mohawk from the New York Central. It's not an antique. It's not rare. It's a piece of junk. If the boys want to see what a real railroad is-"

"Put a battery and two electrodes on the electric chair," Gary said.

"Put an M-80!"

"Chipper, no, you run a current and the current kills the prisoner."

"What's a current?"

A current flowed when you stuck electrodes of zinc and copper in a lemon and connected them.

What a sour world Alfred lived in. When he caught himself in mirrors it shocked him how young he still looked. The set of mouth of hemorrhoidal schoolteachers, the bitter permanent lip-pursing of arthritic men, he could taste these expressions in his own mouth sometimes, though he was physically in his prime, the souring of life.

He did therefore enjoy a rich dessert. Pecan pie. Apple brown Betty. A little sweetness in the world.

"They have two locomotives and a real caboose!" Enid said.

Alfred believed that the real and the true were a minority that the world was bent on exterminating. It galled him that romantics like Enid could not distinguish the false from the authentic: a poor-quality, flimsily stocked, profit-making "museum" from a real, honest railroad-

"You have to at least be a Fish."

"The boys are all excited."

"I could be a Fish."

The Mohawk that was the new museum's pride was evidently a romantic symbol. People nowadays seemed to resent the railroads for abandoning romantic steam power in favor of diesel. People didn't understand the first goddamned thing about running a railroad. A diesel locomotive was versatile, efficient, and low-maintenance. People thought the railroad owed them romantic favors, and then they bellyached if a train was slow. That was the way most people were-stupid.

(Schopenhauer: Amongst the evils of a penal colony is the company of those imprisoned in it.)

At the same time, Alfred himself hated to see the old steam engine pass into oblivion. It was a beautiful iron horse, and by putting the Mohawk on display the museum allowed the easygoing leisure-seekers of suburban St. Jude to dance on its grave. City people had no right to patronize the iron horse. They didn't know it intimately, as Alfred did. They hadn't fallen in love with it out in the northwest corner of Kansas where it was the only link to the greater world, as Alfred had. He despised the museum and its goers for everything they didn't know.

"They have a model railroad that takes up a whole room!" Enid said relentlessly.

And the goddamned model railroaders, yes, the goddamned hobbyists. Enid knew perfectly well how he felt about these dilettantes and their pointless and implausible model layouts.

"A whole room?" Gary said with skepticism. "How big?"

"Wouldn't it be neat to put some M-80s on, um, on, um, on a model railroad bridge? Ker-PERSSSCHT! P'kow, p'kow!"

"Chipper, eat your dinner now," Alfred said.

"Big big big," Enid said. "The model is much much much much much bigger than the one your father bought you."

"Now," Alfred said. "Are you listening to me? Now."

Two sides of the square table were happy and two were not. Gary told a pointless, genial story about this kid in his class who had three rabbits while Chipper and Alfred, twin studies in bleakness, lowered their eyes to their plates. Enid visited the kitchen for more rutabaga.

"I know who not to ask if they want seconds," she said when she returned.

Alfred shot her a warning look. They had agreed for the sake of the boys' welfare never to allude to his own dislike of vegetables and certain meats.

"I'll take some," Gary said.

Chipper had a lump in his throat, a desolation so obstructive that he couldn't have swallowed much in any case. But when he saw his brother happily devouring seconds of Revenge, he became angry and for a moment understood how his entire dinner might be scarfable in no time, his duties discharged and his freedom regained, and he actually picked up his fork and made a pass at the craggy wad of rutabaga, tangling a morsel of it in his tines and bringing it near his mouth. But the rutabaga smelled carious and was already cold-it had the texture and temperature of wet dog crap on a cool morning-and his guts convulsed in a spine-bending gag reflex.

"I love rutabaga," said Gary inconceivably.

"I could live on nothing but vegetables," Enid averred.

"More milk," Chipper said, breathing hard.

"Chipper, just hold your nose if you don't like it," Gary said.

Alfred put bite after bite of vile Revenge in his mouth, chewing quickly and swallowing mechanically, telling himself he had endured worse than this.

"Chip," he said, "take one bite of each thing. You're not leaving this table till you do."

"More milk."

"You will eat some dinner first. Do you understand?"

"Milk."

"Does it count if he holds his nose?" Gary said.

"More milk, please."

"That is just about enough," Alfred said.

Chipper fell silent. His eyes went around and around his plate, but he had not been provident and there was nothing on the plate but woe. He raised his glass and silently urged a very small drop of warm milk down the slope to his mouth. He stretched his tongue out to welcome it.

"Chip, put the glass down."

"Maybe he could hold his nose but then he has to eat two bites of things."

"There's the phone. Gary, you may answer it."

"What's for dessert?" Chipper said.

"I have some nice fresh pineapple."

"Oh for God's sake, Enid-"

"What?" She blinked innocently or faux-innocently.

"You can at least give him a cookie, or an Eskimo Pie, if he eats his dinner-"

"It's such sweet pineapple. It melts in your mouth."

"Dad, it's Mr. Meisner."

Alfred leaned over Chipper's plate and in a single action of fork removed all but one bite of the rutabaga. He loved this boy, and he put the cold, poisonous mash into his own mouth and jerked it down his throat with a shudder. "Eat that last bite," he said, "take one bite of the other, and you can have dessert." He stood up. "I will buy the dessert if necessary."

As he passed Enid on his way to the kitchen, she flinched and leaned away.

"Yes," he said into the phone.

Through the receiver came the humidity and household clutter, the warmth and fuzziness, of Meisnerdom.

"Al," Chuck said, "just looking in the paper here, you know, Erie Belt stock, uh. Five and five-eighths seems awfully low. You sure about this Midpac thing?"

"Mr. Replogle rode the motor car with me out of Cleveland. He indicated that the Board of Managers is simply waiting for a final report on track and structures. I'm going to give them that report on Monday."

"Midpac's kept this very quiet."

"Chuck, I can't recommend any particular course of action, and you're right, there are some unanswered questions here-"

"Al, Al," Chuck said. "You have a mighty conscience, and we all appreciate that. I'll let you get back to your dinner."

Alfred hung up hating Chuck as he would have hated a girl he'd been undisciplined enough to have relations with. Chuck was a banker and a thriver. You wanted to spend your innocence on someone worthy of it, and who better than a good neighbor, but no one could be worthy of it. There was excrement all over his hands.

"Gary: pineapple?" Enid said.

"Yes, please!"

The virtual disappearance of Chipper's root vegetable had made him a tad manic. Things were l-l-l-looking up! He expertly paved one quadrant of his plate with the remaining bite of rutabaga, grading the yellow asphalt with his fork. Why dwell in the nasty reality of liver and beet greens when there was constructable a future in which your father had gobbled these up, too? Bring on the cookies! sayeth Chipper. Bring on the Eskimo Pie!

Enid carried three empty plates into the kitchen.

Alfred, by the phone, was studying the clock above the sink. The time was that malignant fiveishness to which the flu sufferer awakens after late-afternoon fever dreams. A time shortly after five which was a mockery of five. To the face of clocks the relief of order-two hands pointing squarely at whole numbers-came only once an hour. As every other moment failed to square, so every moment held the potential for fluish misery.

And to suffer like this for no reason. To know there was no moral order in the flu, no justice in the juices of pain his brain produced. The world nothing but a materialization of blind, eternal Will.

(Schopenhauer: No little part of the torment of existence is that Time is continually pressing upon us, never letting us catch our breath but always coming after us, like a taskmaster with a whip.)

"I guess you don't want pineapple," Enid said. "I guess you're buying your own dessert."

"Enid, drop it. I wish once in your life you would let something drop."

Cradling the pineapple, she asked why Chuck had called.

"We will talk about it later," Alfred said, returning to the dining room.

"Daddy?" Chipper began.

"Lad, I just did you a favor. Now you do me a favor and stop playing with your food and finish your dinner. Right now. Do you understand me? You will finish it right now, or there will be no dessert and no other privileges tonight or tomorrow night, and you will sit here until you do finish it."

"Daddy, though, can you-?"

"RIGHT NOW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, OR DO YOU NEED A SPANKING?"

Tonsils release an ammoniac mucus when serious tears gather behind them. Chipper's mouth twisted this way and that. He saw the plate in front of him in a new light. It was as if the food were an unbearable companion whose company he had been sure that his connections higher up, the strings pullable on his behalf, would spare him. Now came the realization that he and the food were in it for the long haul.

Now he mourned the passing of his bacon, paltry though it had been, with a deep and true grief.

Curiously, though, he didn't outright cry.

Alfred retired to the basement with stamping and a slam.

Gary sat very quietly multiplying small whole numbers in his head.

Enid plunged a knife into the pineapple's jaundiced belly. She decided that Chipper was exactly like his father-at once hungry and impossible to feed. He turned food into shame. To prepare a square meal and then to see it greeted with elaborate disgust, to see the boy actually gag on his breakfast oatmeal: this stuck in a mother's craw. All Chipper wanted was milk and cookies, milk and cookies. Pediatrician said: "Don't give in. He'll get hungry eventually and eat something else." So Enid tried to be patient, but Chipper sat down to lunch and declared: "This smells like vomit!" You could slap his wrist for saying it, but then he said it with his face, and you could spank him for making faces, but then he said it with his eyes, and there were limits to correction-no way, in the end, to penetrate behind the blue irises and eradicate a boy's disgust.

Lately she had taken to feeding him grilled cheese sandwiches all day long, holding back for dinner the yellow and leafy green vegetables required for a balanced diet and letting Alfred fight her battles.

There was something almost tasty and almost sexy in letting the annoying boy be punished by her husband. In standing blamelessly aside while the boy suffered for having hurt her.

What you discovered about yourself in raising children wasn't always agreeable or attractive.

She carried two dishes of pineapple into the dining room. Chipper's head was bowed, but the son who loved to eat reached eagerly for his dish.

Gary slurped and aerated, wordlessly consuming pineapple.

The dogshit-yellow field of rutabaga; the liver warped by frying and so unable to lie flush with the plate; the ball of woody beet leaves collapsed and contorted but still entire, like a wetly compressed bird in an eggshell, or an ancient corpse folded over in a bog: the spatial relations among these foods no longer seemed to Chipper haphazard but were approaching permanence, finality.

The foods receded, or a new melancholy shadowed them. Chipper became less immediately disgusted; he ceased even to think about eating. Deeper sources of refusal were kicking in.

Soon the table was cleared of everything but his place mat and his plate. The light grew harsher. He heard Gary and his mother conversing on trivial topics as she washed and Gary dried. Then Gary's footsteps on the basement stairs. Metronomic thock of Ping-Pong ball. More desolate peals of large pots being handled and submerged.

His mother reappeared. "Chipper, just eat that up. Be a big boy now."

He had arrived in a place where she couldn't touch him. He felt nearly cheerful, all head, no emotion. Even his butt was numb from pressing on the chair.

"Dad means for you to sit there till you eat that. Finish it up now. Then your whole evening's free."

If his evening had been truly free he might have spent it entirely at a window watching Cindy Meisner.

"Noun adjective," his mother said, "contraction possessive noun. Conjunction conjunction stressed pronoun counterfactual verb pronoun I'd just gobble that up and temporal adverb pronoun conditional auxiliary infinitive-"

Peculiar how unconstrained he felt to understand the words that were spoken to him. Peculiar his sense of freedom from even that minimal burden of decoding spoken English.

She tormented him no further but went to the basement, where Alfred had shut himself inside his lab and Gary was amassing ("Thirty-seven, thirty-eight") consecutive bounces on his paddle.

"Tock tock?" she said, wagging her head in invitation.

She was hampered by pregnancy or at least the idea of it, and Gary could have trounced her, but her pleasure at being played with was so extremely evident that he simply disengaged himself, mentally multiplying their scores or setting himself small challenges like returning the ball to alternating quadrants. Every night after dinner he honed this skill of enduring a dull thing that brought a parent plgasure. It seemed to him a lifesaving skill. He believed that terrible harm would come to him when he could no longer preserve his mother's illusions.

And she looked so vulnerable tonight. The exertions of dinner and dishes had relaxed her hair's rollered curls. Little blotches of sweat were blooming through the cotton bodice of her dress. Her hands had been in latex gloves and were as red as tongues.

He sliced a winner down the line and past her, the ball running all the way to the shut door of the metallurgy lab. It bounced up and knocked on this door before subsiding. Enid pursued it carefully. What silence, what darkness, there was behind that door. Al seemed not to have a light on.

There existed foods that even Gary hated-Brussels sprouts, boiled okra-and Chipper had watched his pragmatic sibling palm them and fling them into dense shrubbery from the back doorway, if it was summer, or secrete them on his person and dump them in the toilet, if it was winter. Now that Chipper was alone on the first floor he could easily have disappeared his liver and his beet greens. The difficulty: his father would think that he had eaten them, and eating them was exactly what he was refusing now to do. Food on the plate was necessary to prove refusal.

He minutely peeled and scraped the flour crust off the top of the liver and ate it. This took ten minutes. The denuded surface of the liver was a thing you didn't want to see.

He unfolded the beet greens somewhat and rearranged them.

He examined the weave of the place mat.

He listened to the bouncing ball, his mother's exaggerated groans and her nerve-grating cries of encouragement ("Ooo, good one, Gary!"). Worse than spanking or even liver was the sound of someone else's Ping-Pong. Only silence was acceptable in its potential to be endless. The score in Ping-Pong bounced along toward twenty-one and then the game was over, and then two games were over, and then three were over, and to the people inside the game this was all right because fun had been had, but to the boy at the table upstairs it was not all right. He'd involved himself in the sounds of the game, investing them with hope to the extent of wishing they might never stop. But they did stop, and he was still at the table, only it was half an hour later. The evening devouring itself in futility. Even at the age of seven Chipper intuited that this feeling of futility would be a fixture of his life. A dull waiting and then a broken promise, a panicked realization of how late it was.

This futility had let's call it a flavor.

After he scratched his head or rubbed his nose his fingers harbored something. The smell of self.

Or again, the taste of incipient tears.

Imagine the olfactory nerves sampling themselves, receptors registering their own configuration.

The taste of self-inflicted suffering, of an evening trashed in spite, brought curious satisfactions. Other people stopped being real enough to carry blame for how you felt. Only you and your refusal remained. And like self-pity, or like the blood that filled your mouth when a tooth was pulled-the salty ferric juices that you swallowed and allowed yourself to savor-refusal had a flavor for which a taste could be acquired.

In the lab below the dining room Alfred sat with his head bowed in the darkness and his eyes closed. Interesting how eager he'd been to be alone, how hatefully clear he'd made this to everyone around him; and now, having finally closeted himself, he sat hoping that someone would come and disturb him. He wanted this someone to see how much he hurt. Though he was cold to her it seemed unfair that she was cold in turn to him: unfair that she could happily play Ping-Pong, shuffle around outside his door, and never knock and ask how he was doing.

Three common measures of a material's strength were its resistance to pressure, to tension, and to shearing.

Every time his wife's footsteps approached the lab he braced himself to accept her comforts. Then he heard the game ending, and he thought surely she would take pity on him now. It was the one thing he asked of her, the one thing-

(Schopenhauer: Woman pays the debt of life not by what she does, but by what she suffers; by the pains of childbearing and care for the child, and by submission to her husband, to whom she should be a patient and cheering companion.)

But no rescue was forthcoming. Through the closed door he heard her retreat to the laundry room. He heard the mild buzz of a transformer, Gary playing with the O-gauge train beneath the Ping-Pong table.

A fourth measure of strength, important to manufacturers of rail stock and machine parts, was hardness.

With unspeakable expenditure of will Alfred turned on a light and opened his lab notebook.

Even the most extreme boredom had merciful limits. The dinner table, for example, possessed an underside that Chipper explored by resting his chin on the surface and stretching his arms out below. At his farthest reach were baffles pierced by taut wire leading to pullable rings. Complicated intersections of roughly finished blocks and angles were punctuated, here and there, by deeply countersunk screws, little cylindrical wells with scratchy turnings of wood fiber around their mouths, irresistible to the probing finger. Even more rewarding were the patches of booger he'd left behind during previous vigils. The dried patches had the texture of rice paper or fly wings. They were agreeably dislodgable and pulverizable.

The longer Chipper felt his little kingdom of the underside, the more reluctant he became to lay eyes on it. Instinctively he knew that the visible reality would be puny. He'd see crannies he hadn't yet discovered with his fingers, and the mystery of the realms beyond his reach would be dispelled, the screw holes would lose their abstract sensuality and the boogers would shame him, and one evening, then, with nothing left to relish or discover, he just might die of boredom.

Elective ignorance was a great survival skill, perhaps the greatest.

Enid's alchemical lab beneath the kitchen contained a Maytag with a wringer that swung over it, twinned rubber rollers like enormous black lips. Bleach, bluing, distilled water, starch. A bulky locomotive of an iron, its power cord clad in a patterned knit fabric. Mounds of white shirts in three sizes.

To prepare a shirt for pressing she sprinkled it with water and left it rolled up in a towel. When it was thoroughly redampened she ironed the collar first and then the shoulders, working down.

During and after the Depression she'd learned many survival skills. Her mother ran a boardinghouse in the basin between downtown St. Jude and the university. Enid had a gift for math, and so she not only washed sheets and cleaned toilets and served meals but also handled numbers for her mother. By the time she'd finished high school and the war had ended, she was keeping all the house's books, billing the boarders, and figuring the taxes. With the quarters and dollars she picked up on the side-wages from baby-sitting, tips from college boys and other long-term boarders-she paid for classes at night school, inching toward a degree in accounting which she hoped she would never have to use. Already two men in uniform had proposed to her, each of them a rather good dancer, but neither was clearly an earner and both still risked getting shot at. Her mother had married a man who didn't earn and died young. Avoiding such a husband was a priority with Enid. She intended to be comfortable in life as well as happy.

To the boardinghouse a few years after the war came a young steel engineer newly transferred to St. Jude to manage a foundry. He was a full-lipped thick-haired well-muscled boy in a man's shape and a man's suits. The suits were themselves luxuriantly pleated wool beauties. Once or twice every night, serving dinner at the big round table, Enid glanced over her shoulder and caught him looking, and made him blush. Al was Kansan. After two months he found courage to take her skating. They drank cocoa and he told her that human beings were born to suffer. He took her to a steel-company Christmas party and told her that the intelligent were doomed to be tormented by the stupid. He was a good dancer and a good earner, however, and she kissed him in the elevator. Soon they were engaged and they chastely rode a night train to McCook, Nebraska, to visit his aged parents. His father kept a slave whom he was married to.

Cleaning Al's room in St. Jude she found a much-handled volume of Schopenhauer with certain passages underlined. For example: The pleasure in this world, it has been said, outweighs the pain; or, at any rate, there is an even balance between the two. If the reader wishes to see shortly whether this statement is true, let him compare the respective feelings of two animals, one of which is engaged in eating the other.

What to believe about Al Lambert? There were the old-man things he said about himself and the young-man way he looked. Enid had chosen to believe the promise of his looks. Life then became a matter of waiting for his personality to change.

While she waited, she ironed twenty shirts a week, plus her own skirts and blouses.

Nosed in around the buttons with the iron's tip. Flattened the wrinkles, worked out the kinks.

Her life would have been easier if she hadn't loved him so much, but she couldn't help loving him. Just to look at him was to love him.

Every day she endeavored to cleanse the boys' diction, smooth out their manners, whiten their morals, brighten their attitudes, and every day she faced another pile of dirty crumpled laundry.

Even Gary was anarchic sometimes. He liked best to send the electric-engine barreling into curves and derail it, see the black chunk of metal skid awkwardly and roll and spark in frustration. Second best was to place plastic cows and cars on the rail and engineer little tragedies.

What gave him the real techno boner, however, was a radio-controlled toy automobile, much advertised on television lately, that went anywhere. To avoid ambiguity he planned to make it the only item on his Christmas list.

From the street, if you paid attention, you could see the light in the windows dimming as Gary's train or Enid's iron or Alfred's experiments drained power off the grid. But how lifeless the house looked otherwise. In the lighted houses of the Meisners, of the Schumperts and the Persons and the Roots, people were clearly at home-whole families grouped around tables, young heads bent over homework, dens aflicker with TV, toddlers careening, a grandparent testing a tea bag's virtue with a third soaking. These were spirited, unselfconscious houses.

Whether anybody was home meant everything to a house. It was more than a major fact: it was the only fact.

The family was the house's soul.

The waking mind was like the light in a house.

The soul was like the gopher in his hole.

Consciousness was to brain as family was to house.

Aristotle: Suppose the eye were an animal-sight would be its soul.

To understand the mind you pictured domestic activity, the hum of related lives on varied tracks, the hearth's fundamental glow. You spoke of "presence" and "clutter" and "occupation." Or, conversely, of "vacancy" and "shutting down." Of "disturbance."

Maybe the futile light in a house with three people separately absorbed in the basement and only one upstairs, a little boy staring at a plate of cold food, was like the mind of a depressed person.

Gary was the first to tire of the basement. He surfaced and skirted the too-bright dining room, as if it held the victim of a sickening disfigurement, and went up to the second floor to brush his teeth.

Enid followed soon with seven warm white shirts. She, too, skirted the dining room. She reasoned that if the problem in the dining room was her responsibility then she was horrendously derelict in not resolving it, and a loving mother could never be so derelict, and she was a loving mother, so the responsibility must not have been hers. Eventually Alfred would surface and see what a beast he'd been and be very, very sorry. If he had the nerve to blame her for the problem, she could say: "You're the one who said he had to sit there till he ate it."

While she ran a bath she tucked Gary into bed. "Always be my little lion," she said.

"OK."

"Is he fewocious? Is he wicious? Is he my wicious wittle wion?"

Gary didn't answer these questions. "Mom," he said. "Chipper is still at the table, and it's almost nine."

"That's between Dad and Chipper."

"Mom? He really doesn't like those foods. He's not just pretending."

"I'm so glad you're a good eater," Enid said.

"Mom, it's not really fair."

"Sweetie, this is a phase your brother's going through. It's wonderful you're so concerned, though. It's wonderful to be so loving. Always be so loving."

She hurried to stop the water and immerse herself.

In a dark bedroom next door Chuck Meisner imagined, going inside her, that Bea was Enid. As he chugged to ejaculation he was trading.

He wondered if any exchange had a market in Erie Belt options. Buy five thousand shares outright with thirty puts for a downside hedge. Or better, if someone offered him a rate, a hundred naked calls.

She was pregnant and trading up in cup size, A to B and eventually even C, Chuck guessed, by the time the baby came. Like some municipality's bond rating in a tailspin.

One by one the lights of St. Jude were going out.

And if you sat at the dinner table long enough, whether in punishment or in refusal or simply in boredom, you never stopped sitting there. Some part of you sat there all your life.

As if sustained and too-direct contact with time's raw passage could scar the nerves permanently, like staring at the sun.

As if too-intimate knowledge of any interior were necessarily harmful knowledge. Were knowledge that could never be washed off.

(How weary, how worn, a house lived in to excess.)

Chipper heard things and saw things but they were all in his head. After three hours, the objects surrounding him were as drained of flavor as old bubble gum. His mental states were strong by comparison and overwhelmed them. It would have taken an effort of will, a reawakening, to summon the term "place mat" and apply it to the visual field that he had observed so intensely that its reality had dissolved in the observing, or to apply the word "furnace" to the rustle in the ducts which in its recurrence had assumed the character of an emotional state or an actor in his imagination, an embodiment of Evil Time. The faint fluctuations in the light as someone ironed and someone played and someone experimented and the refrigerator cycled on and off had been part of the dream. This changefulness, though barely noticeable, had been a torment. But it had stopped now.

Now only Alfred remained in the basement. He probed a gel of ferroacetates with the electrodes of an ammeter.

A late frontier in metallurgy: custom-formation of metals at room temperature. The Grail was a substance which could be poured or molded but which after treatment (perhaps with an electrical current) had steel's superior strength and conductivity and resistance to fatigue. A substance easy like plastic and hard like metal.

The problem was urgent. A cultural war was being waged, and the forces of plastic were winning. Alfred had seen jam and jelly jars with plastic lids. Cars with plastic roofs.

Unfortunately, metal in its free state-a nice steel stake or a solid brass candlestick-represented a high level of order, and Nature was slatternly and preferred disorder. The crumble of rust. The promiscuity of molecules in solution. The chaos of warm things. States of disorder were vastly more likely to arise spontaneously than were cubes of perfect iron. According to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, much work was required to resist this tyranny of the probable-to force the atoms of a metal to behave themselves.

Alfred was sure that electricity was equal to this work. The current that came through the grid amounted to a borrowing of order from a distance. At power plants an organized piece of coal became a flatulence of useless warm gases; an elevated and self-possessed reservoir of water became entropic runoff wandering toward a delta. Such sacrifices of order produced the useful segregation of electrical charges that he put to work at home.

He was seeking a material that could, in effect, electroplate itself. He was growing crystals in unusual materials in the presence of electric currents.

It wasn't hard science but the brute probabilism of trial and error, a groping for accidents that he might profit from. One college classmate of his had already made his first million with the results of a chance discovery.

That he might someday not have to worry about money: it was a dream identical to the dream of being comforted by a woman, truly comforted, when the misery overcame him.

The dream of radical transformation: of one day waking up and finding himself a wholly different (more confident, more serene) kind of person, of escaping that prison of the given, of feeling divinely capable.

He had clays and gels of silicate. He had silicone putties. He had slushy ferric salts succumbing to their own deliquescence. Ambivalent acetylacetonates and tetracarbonyls with low melting points. A chunk of gallium the size of a damson plum.

The head chemist at the Midland Pacific, a Swiss Ph. D. bored into melancholy by a million measurements of engine-oil viscosity and Brinell hardness, kept Alfred in supplies. Their superiors were aware of the arrangement-Alfred would never have risked getting caught in something underhanded-and it was informally understood that if he ever came up with a patentable process, the Midpac would get a share of any proceeds.

Tonight something unusual was happening in the ferroacetate gel. His conductivity readings varied wildly, depending on where exactly he stuck the ammeter's probe. Thinking the probe might be dirty, he switched to a narrow needle with which he again poked the gel. He got a reading of no conductivity at all. Then he stuck the gel in a different place and got a high reading.

What was going on?

The question absorbed and comforted him and held the taskmaster at bay until, at ten o'clock, he extinguished the microscope's illuminator and wrote in his notebook: STAIN BLUE CHROMATE 2%. VERY VERY INTERESTING.

The moment he stepped from the lab, exhaustion hammered him. He fumbled to secure the lock, his analytic fingers suddenly thick and stupid. He had boundless energy for work, but as soon as he quit he could barely stand up.

His exhaustion deepened when he went upstairs. The kitchen and dining room were ablaze in light, and there appeared to be a small boy slumped over the dining-room table, his face on his place mat. The scene was so wrong, so sick with Revenge, that for a moment Alfred honestly thought the boy at the table was a ghost from his own childhood.

He groped for switches as if the light were a poison gas he had to stop the flow of.

In less hazardous dimness he gathered the boy in his arms and carried him upstairs. The boy had the weave of the place mat engraved on one cheek. He murmured nonsense. He was half-awake but resisting full consciousness, keeping his head down as Alfred undressed him and found pajamas in the closet.

Once the boy was in bed, in receipt of a kiss and fast asleep, an unguessable amount of time trickled through the legs of the bedside chair in which Alfred sat conscious of little but the misery between his temples. His tiredness hurt so much it kept him awake.

Or maybe he did sleep, for suddenly he was standing up and feeling marginally refreshed. He left Chipper's room and went to check on Gary.

Just inside Gary's door, reeking of Elmer's glue, was a jail of Popsiclesticks. The jail bore no relation to the elaborate house of correction that Alfred had imagined. It was a crude roofless square, crudely bisected. Its floor plan, in fact, was exactly the binomial square he'd evoked before dinner.

And this, this here in the jail's largest room, this bollixed knot of semisoft glue and broken Popsicle sticks was a-doll's wheelbarrow? Miniature step stool?

Electric chair.

In a mind-altering haze of exhaustion Alfred knelt and examined it. He found himself susceptible to the poignancy of the chair's having been made-to the pathos of Gary's impulse to fashion an object and seek his father's approval-and more disturbingly to the impossibility of squaring this crude object with the precise mental picture of an electric chair that he had formed at the dinner table. Like an illogical woman in a dream who was both Enid and not Enid, the chair he'd pictured had been at once completely an electric chair and completely Popsicle sticks. It came to him now, more forcefully than ever, that maybe every "real" thing in the world was as shabbily protean, underneath, as this electric chair. Maybe his mind was even now doing to the seemingly real hardwood floor on which he knelt exactly what it had done, hours earlier, to the unseen chair. Maybe a floor became truly a floor only in his mental reconstruction of it. The floor's nature was to some extent inarguable, of course; the wood definitely existed and had measurable properties. But there was a second floor, the floor as mirrored in his head, and he worried that the beleaguered "reality" that he championed was not the reality of an actual floor in a actual bedroom but the reality of a floor in his head which was idealized and no more worthy, therefore, than one of Enid's silly fantasies.

The suspicion that everything was relative. That the "real" and "authentic" might not be simply doomed but fictive to begin with. That his feeling of righteousness, of uniquely championing the real, was just a feeling. These were the suspicions that had lain in ambush in all those motel rooms. These were the deep terrors beneath the flimsy beds.

And if the world refused to square with his version of reality then it was necessarily an uncaring world, a sour and sickening world, a penal colony, and he was doomed to be violently lonely in it.

He bowed his head at the thought of how much strength a man would need to survive an entire life so lonely.

He returned the pitiful, unbalanced electric chair to the floor of the prison's largest room. As soon as he let go of the chair, it fell on its side. Images of hammering the jail to bits passed through his head, flashes of hiked-up skirts and torn-down underpants, images of shredded bras and outthrust hips, but came to nothing.

Gary was sleeping in perfect silence, the way his mother did. There was no hope that he'd forgotten his father's implicit promise to look at the jail after dinner. Gary never forgot anything.

Still, I am doing my best, Alfred thought.

Returning to the dining room, he noticed the change in the food on Chipper's plate. The well-browned margins of the liver had been carefully pared off and eaten, as had every scrap of crust. There was evidence as well that rutabaga had been swallowed; the small speck that remained was scored with tiny tine marks. And several beet greens had been dissected, the softer leaves removed and eaten, the woody reddish stems laid aside. It appeared that Chipper had taken the contractual one bite of each food after all, presumably at great personal cost, and had been put to bed without being given the dessert he'd earned.

On a November morning thirty-five years earlier Alfred had found a coyote's bloody foreleg in the teeth of a steel trap, evidence of certain desperate hours in the previous night.

There came an upwelling of pain so intense that he had to clench his jaw and refer to his philosophy to prevent its turning into tears.

(Schopenhauer: Only one consideration may serve to explain the sufferings of animals: that the will to live, which underlies the entire world of phenomena, must in their case satisfy its cravings by feeding upon itself.)

He turned off the last lights downstairs, visited the bathroom, and put on fresh pajamas. He had to open his suitcase to retrieve his toothbrush.

Into the bed, the museum of antique transports, he slipped beside Enid, settling as close to the far edge as he could. She was asleep in her sleep-feigning way. He looked once at the alarm clock, the radium jewelry on its two pointing hands-closer to twelve now than to eleven-and shut his eyes.

Came the question in a voice like noon: "What were you talking about with Chuck?"

His exhaustion redoubled. With his closed eyes he saw beakers and probes and the trembling needle of the ammeter.

"It sounded like the Erie Belt," Enid said. "Does Chuck know about that? Did you tell him?"

"Enid, I am very tired."

"I'm just surprised, that's all. Considering."

"It was an accident and I regret it."

"I just think it's interesting," Enid said, "that Chuck is allowed to make an investment that we're not allowed to make."

"If Chuck chooses to take unfair advantage of other investors, that's his business."

"A lot of Erie Belt shareholders would be happy to get five and three-quarters tomorrow. What's unfair about that?"

Her words had the sound of an argument rehearsed for hours, a grievance nursed in darkness.

"Those shares will be worth nine and a half dollars three weeks from now," Alfred said. "I know it and most people don't. That's unfair."

"You're smarter than other people," Enid said, "and you did better in school, and now you have a better job. That's unfair, too, isn't it? Shouldn't you make yourself stupid, to be completely fair?"

Chewing your own leg off was not an act to be undertaken lightly or performed halfway. At what point and by what process did the coyote make the decision to sink its teeth into its own flesh? Presumably there first came a period of waiting and weighing. But after that?

"I'm not going to argue with you," Alfred said. "Since you are awake, however, I want to know why Chip wasn't put to bed."

"You were the one who said he-"

"You came upstairs long before I did. It was not my intention that he sit there for five hours. You're using him against me, and I don't care for it one bit. He should have been put to bed at eight."

Enid simmered in her wrongness.

"Can we agree that this will not happen again?" Alfred said.

"We can agree."

"Well then. Let's sleep."

When it was very, very dark in the house, the unborn child could see as clearly as anyone. She had ears and eyes, fingers and a forebrain and a cerebellum, and she floated in a central place. She already knew the main hungers. Day after day the mother walked around in a stew of desire and guilt, and now the object of the mother's desire lay three feet away from her. Everything in the mother was poised to melt and shut down at a loving touch anywhere on her body.

There was a lot of breathing going on. A lot of breathing but no touching.

Sleep eluded even Alfred. Each sinusy gasp of Enid's seemed to pierce his ear the instant he was poised afresh to drop off.

After an interval that he judged to have lasted twenty minutes, the bed began to shake with poorly reined sobs.

He broke his silence, almost wailing: "What is it now?"

"Nothing."

"Enid, it is very, very late, and the alarm is set for six, and I am bone-weary."

She wept stormily. "You never kissed me goodbye!"

"I'm aware of that."

"Well, don't I have a right? A husband leaves his wife at home alone for two weeks?"

"This is water under the bridge. And frankly I've endured a lot worse."

"And then he comes home and doesn't even say hello? He just attacks me?"

"Enid, I have had a terrible week."

"And leaves the dinner table before dinner's over?"

"A terrible week and I am extraordinarily tired-"

"And locks himself in the basement for five hours? Even though he's supposedly very tired?"

"If you had had the week I had-"

"You didn't kiss me goodbye."

"Grow up! For God's sake! Grow up!"

"Keep your voice down!"

(Keep your voice down or the baby might hear.)

(Indeed did hear and was soaking up every word.)

"Do you think I was on a pleasure cruise?" Alfred demanded in a whisper. "Everything I do I do for you and the boys. It's been two weeks since I had a minute to myself. I believe I'm entitled to a few hours in the laboratory. You would not understand it, and you would not believe me if you did, but I have found something very interesting."

"Oh, very interesting," Enid said. Hardly the first time she'd heard this.

"Well it is very interesting."

"Something with commercial applications?"

"You never know. Look what happened to Jack Callahan. This could end up paying for the boys' education."

"I thought you said Jack Callahan's discovery was an accident."

"My God, listen to yourself. You tell me I'm negative, but when it's work that matters to me, who's negative?"

"I just don't understand why you won't even consider-"

"Enough."

"If the object is to make money-"

"Enough. Enough! I don't give a damn what other people do. I am not that kind of person."

Twice in church the previous Sunday Enid had turned her head and caught Chuck Meisner staring. She was a little fuller in the bust than usual, probably that was all. But Chuck had blushed both times.

"What is the reason you're so cold to me?" she said.

"There are reasons," Alfred said, "but I will not tell you."

"Why are you so unhappy? Why won't you tell me?"

"I will go to the grave before I tell you. To the grave."

"Oh, oh, oh!"

This was a bad husband she had landed, a bad, bad, bad husband who would never give her what she needed. Anything that might have satisfied her he found a reason to withhold.

And so she lay, a Tantala, beside the inert illusion of a feast. The merest finger anywhere would have. To say nothing of his split-plum lips. But he was useless. A wad of money stashed in a mattress and moldering and devaluing was what he was. A depression in the heartland had shriveled him the way it had shriveled her mother, who didn't understand that interest-bearing bank accounts were federally insured now, or that blue-chip stocks held for the long term with reinvested dividends might help provide for her old age. He was a bad investor.

But she was not. She'd even been known, when a room was very dark, to take a real risk or two, and she took one now. Rolled over and tickled his thigh with breasts that a certain neighbor had admired. Rested her cheek on her husband's ribs. She could feel him waiting for her to go away, but first she had to stroke the plain of his muscled belly, hover-gliding, touching hair but no skin. To her mild surprise she felt his his his coming to life at the approach of her fingers. His groin tried to dodge her but the fingers were more nimble. She could feel him growing to manhood through the fly of his pajamas, and in an access of pent-up hunger she did a thing he'd never let her do before. She bent sideways and took it into her mouth. It: the rapidly growing boy, the faintly urinary dumpling. In the skill of her hands and the swelling of her breasts she felt desirable and capable of anything.

The man beneath her shook with resistance. She freed her mouth momentarily. "Al? Sweetie?"

"Enid. What are you-?"

Again her open mouth descended on the cylinder of flesh. She held still for a moment, long enough to feel the flesh harden pulse by pulse against her palate. Then she raised her head. "We could have a little extra money in the bank-you think? Take the boys to Disneyland. You think?"

Back under she went. Tongue and penis were approaching an understanding, and he tasted like the inside of her mouth now. Like a chore and all the word implied. Perhaps involuntarily he kneed her in the ribs and she shifted, still feeling desirable. She stuffed her mouth and the top of her throat. Surfaced for air and took another big gulp.

"Even just to invest two thousand," she murmured. "With a four-dollar differential-ack!"

Alfred had come to his senses and forced the succubus away from him.

(Schopenhauer: The people who make money are men, not women; and from this it follows that women are neither justified in having unconditional possession of it, nor fit persons to be entrusted with its administration.)

The succubus reached for him again but he grabbed her wrist and with his other hand pulled her nightgown up.

Maybe the pleasures of a swing set, likewise of sky- and scuba diving, were tastes from a time when the uterus held you harmless from the claims of up and down. A time when you hadn't acquired the mechanics, even, to experience vertigo. Still luxuriated safely in a warm inland sea.

Only this tumble was scary, this tumble came accompanied by a rush of bloodborne adrenaline, as the mother appeared to be in some distress-

"Al, not sure it's a good idea, isn't, I don't think-"

"The book says there is nothing wrong-"

"Uneasy about this, though. Ooo. Really. Al?"

He was a man having lawful sexual intercourse with his lawful wife.

"Al, though, maybe not. So."

Fighting the image of the leotarded teenaged TWAT. And all the other CUNTS with their TITS and their ASSES that a man might want to FUCK, fighting it although the room was very dark and much was allowed in the dark.

"Oh, I'm so unhappy about this!" Enid quietly wailed.

Worst was the image of the little girl curled up inside her, a girl not much larger than a large bug but already a witness to such harm. Witness to a tautly engorged little brain that dipped in and out beyond the cervix and then, with a quick double spasm that could hardly be considered adequate warning, spat thick alkaline webs of spunk into her private room. Not even born and already drenched in sticky knowledge.

Alfred lay catching his breath and repenting his defiling of the baby. A last child was a last opportunity to learn from one's mistakes and make corrections, and he resolved to seize this opportunity. From the day she was born he would treat her more gently than he'd treated Gary or Chipper. Relax the law for her, indulge her outright, even, and never once force her to sit at the table after everyone was gone.

But he'd squirted such filth on her when she was helpless. She'd witnessed such scenes of marriage, and so of course, when she was older, she betrayed him.

What made correction possible also doomed it.

The sensitive probe that had given him readings at the top end of the red zone now read zero. He pulled away and squared his shoulders to his wife. Under the spell of the sexual instinct (as Arthur Schopenhauer called it) he'd lost sight of how cruelly soon he had to shave and catch the train, but now the instinct was discharged and consciousness of the remaining night's brevity weighed on his chest like #140 rail stock, and Enid had begun to cry again, as wives did when the hour was psychotically late and tampering with the alarm clock was not an option. Years ago, when they were first married, she'd sometimes cried in the wee hours, but then Alfred had felt such gratitude for the pleasure he'd stolen and the stabbing she'd endured that he never failed to ask why she was crying.

Tonight, notably, he felt neither gratitude nor the remotest obligation to quiz her. He felt sleepy.

Why did wives choose night to cry in? Crying at night was all very well if you didn't have to catch a train to work in four hours and if you hadn't, moments ago, committed a defilement in pursuit of a satisfaction whose importance now entirely escaped you.

Maybe it took all this-ten nights of wakefulness in bad motels followed by an evening on the emotional roller coaster and finally the run-outside-and-put-a-bullet-through-the-roof-of-your-mouth sucking and mewling noises of a wife trying to cry herself to sleep at two in the goddamned morning-to open his eyes to the fact that (a) sleep was a woman and (b) hers were comforts that he was under no obligation to refuse.

For a man who all his life had fought off extracurricular napping like any other unwholesome delight, the discovery was life-altering-no less momentous in its way than his discovery, hours earlier, of electrical anisotropism in a gel of networked ferroacetates. More than thirty years would pass before the discovery in the basement bore financial fruit; the discovery in the bedroom made existence chez Lambert more bearable immediately.

A Pax Somnis is descended on the household. Alfred's new lover soothed whatever beast was left in him. How much easier than raging or sulking he found it to simply close his eyes. Soon everybody understood that he had an invisible mistress whom he entertained in the family room on Saturday afternoon when his work week at the Midpac ended, a mistress he took along with him on every business trip and fell into the arms of in beds that no longer seemed uncomfortable in motel rooms that no longer seemed so noisy, a mistress he never failed to visit in the course of an evening's paperwork, a mistress with whom he shared a travel pillow after lunch on family summer trips while Enid lurchingly piloted the car and the kids in the back seat hushed. Sleep was the ideally work-compatible girl he ought to have married in the first place. Perfectly submissive, infinitely forgiving, and so respectable you could take her to church and the symphony and the St. Jude Repertory Theater. She never kept him awake with her tears. She demanded nothing and in return for nothing gave him everything he needed to do a long day's work. There was no mess in their affair, no romantic osculation, no leakages or secretions, no shame. He could cheat on Enid in Enid's own bed without giving her a shred of legally admissible proof, and as long as he kept the affair private to the extent of not dozing at dinner parties Enid tolerated it, as sensible wives had always done, and so it was an infidelity for which as the decades passed there never seemed to come a reckoning. . .

"Psst! Asshole!"

With a jolt Alfred awakened to the tremor and slow pitching of the Gunnar Myrdal. Someone else was in the stateroom?

"Asshole!"

"Who's there?" he asked half in challenge, half in fear.

Thin Scandinavian blankets fell away as he sat up and peered into the semidarkness, straining to hear past the boundaries of his self. The partially deaf know like cellmates the frequencies at which their heads ring. His oldest companion was a contralto like a pipe organ's middle A, a clarion blare vaguely localized in his left ear. He'd known this tone, at growing volumes, for thirty years; it was such a fixture that it seemed it should outlive him. It had the pristine meaninglessness of eternal or infinite things. Was as real as a heartbeat but corresponded to no real thing outside him. Was a sound that nothing made.

Underneath it the fainter and more fugitive tones were active. Cirrus-like clusterings of very high frequencies off in deep stratosphere behind his ears. Meandering notes of almost ghostly faintness, as from a remote calliope. A jangly set of mid-range tones that waxed and waned like crickets in the center of his skull. A low, almost rumbling drone like a dilution of a diesel engine's blanket alldeafeningness, a sound he'd never quite believed was real-i. e., unreal-until he'd retired from the Midpac and lost touch with locomotives. These were the sounds his brain both created and listened to, was friendly with.

Outside of himself he could hear the psh, psh of two hands gently swinging on their hinges in the sheets.

And the mysterious rush of water all around him, in the Gunnar Myrdal's secret capillaries.

And someone snickering down in the dubious space below the horizon of the bedding.

And the alarm clock pinching off each tick. It was three in the morning and his mistress had abandoned him. Now, when he needed her comforts more than ever, she went off whoring with younger sleepers. For thirty years she'd obliged him, spread her arms and opened her legs every night at ten-fifteen. She'd been the nook he sought, the womb. He could still find her in the afternoon or early evening, but not in a bed at night. As soon as he lay down he groped in the sheets and sometimes for a few hours found some bony extremity of hers to clutch. But reliably at one or two or three she vanished beyond any pretending that she still belonged to him.

He peered fearfully across the rust-orange carpeting to the Nordic blond wood lines of Enid's bed. Enid appeared to be dead.

The rushing water in the million pipes.

And the tremor, he had a guess about this tremor. That it came from the engines, that when you built a luxury cruise ship you damped or masked every sound the engines made, one after another, right down to the lowest audible frequency and even lower, but you couldn't go all the way to zero. You were left with this subaudible two-hertz shaking, the irreducible remainder and reminder of a silence imposed on something powerful.

A small animal, a mouse, scurried in the layered shadows at the foot of Enid's bed. For a moment it seemed to Alfred that the whole floor consisted of scurrying corpuscles. Then the mice resolved themselves into a single more forward mouse, horrible mouse, squishable pellets of excreta, habits of gnawing, heedless peeings-

"Asshole, asshole!" the visitor taunted, stepping from the darkness into a bedside dusk.

With dismay Alfred recognized the visitor. First he saw the dropping's slumped outline and then he caught a whiff of bacterial decay. This was not a mouse. This was the turd.

"Urine trouble now, he he!" the turd said.

It was a sociopathic turd, a loose stool, a motormouth. It had introduced itself to Alfred the night before and so agitated him that only Enid's ministrations, a blaze of electric light and Enid's soothing touch on his shoulder, had saved the night.

"Leave!" Alfred commanded sternly.

But the turd scurried up the side of the clean Nordic bed and relaxed like a Brie, or a leafy and manure-smelling Cabrales, on the covers. "Splat chance of that, fella." And dissolved, literally, in a gale of hilarious fart sounds.

To fear encountering the turd on his pillow was to summon the turd to the pillow, where it flopped in postures of glistening well-being.

"Get away, get away," Alfred said, planting an elbow in the carpeting as he exited the bed head first.

"No way, Jose," the turd said. "First I'm gonna get in your clothes."

"No!"

"Sure am, fella. Gonna get in your clothes and touch the upholstery. Gonna smear and leave a trail. Gonna stink so bad."

"Why? Why? Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because it's right for me," the turd croaked. "It's who I am. Put somebody else's comfort ahead of my own? Go hop in a toilet to spare somebody else's feelings? That's the kinda thing you do, fella. You got everything bass ackwards. And look where it's landed you."

"Other people ought to have more consideration."

"You oughtta have less. Me personally, I am opposed to all strictures. If you feel it, let it rip. If you want it, go for it. Dude's gotta put his own interests first."

"Civilization depends upon restraint," Alfred said.

"Civilization? Overrated. I ask you what's it ever done for me? Flushed me down the toilet! Treated me like shit!"

"But that's what you are," Alfred pleaded, hoping the turd might see the logic. "That's what a toilet is for."

"Who you calling shit here, asshole? I got the same rights as everybody else, don't I? Life, liberty, the pussuit of hotpussyness? That's what it says in the Constitution of the You Nighted-"

"That's not right," Alfred said. "You're thinking of the Declaration of Independence."

"Some old yellow piece a paper somewhere, what the ratass fuck do I care what exact paper? Tightasses like you been correcting every fucking word outta my mouth since I was yay big. You and all the constipated fascist schoolteachers and Nazi cops. For all I care the words are printed on a piece of fucking toilet paper. I say it's a free country, I am in the majority, and you, fella, are a minority. And so fuck you."

The turd had an attitude, a tone of voice, that Alfred found eerily familiar but couldn't quite place. It began to roll and tumble on his pillow, spreading a shiny greenish-brown film with little lumps and fibers in it, leaving white creases and hollows where the fabric was bunched. Alfred, on the floor by the bed, covered his nose and mouth with his hands to mitigate the stench and horror.

Then the turd ran up the leg of his pajamas. He felt its tickling mouselike feet.

"Enid!" he called with all the strength he had.

The turd was somewhere in the neighborhood of his upper thighs. Struggling to bend his rigid legs and hook his semifunctional thumbs on the waistband, he pulled the pajamas down to trap the turd inside the fabric. He suddenly understood that the turd was an escaped convict, a piece of human refuse that belonged in jail. That this was what jail was for: people who believed that they, rather than society, made the rules. And if jail did not deter them, they deserved death! Death! Drawing strength from his rage, Alfred succeeded in pulling the ball of pajamas from his feet, and with oscillating arms he wrestled the ball to the carpeting, hammering it with his forearms, and then wedged it deep between the firm Nordic mattress and the Nordic box spring.

He knelt, catching his breath, in his pajama top and adult diaper.

Enid continued to sleep. Something distinctly fairy-tale-like in her attitude tonight.

"Phlblaaatth!" the turd taunted. It had reappeared on the wall above Alfred's bed and hung precariously, as if flung there, beside a framed etching of the Oslo waterfront.

"God damn you!" Alfred said. "You belong in jail!"

The turd wheezed with laughter as it slid very slowly down the wall, its viscous pseudopods threatening to drip on the sheets below. "Seems to me," it said, "you anal retentive type personalities want everything in jail. Like, little kids, bad news, man, they pull your tchotchkes off your shelves, they drop food on the carpet, they cry in theaters, they miss the pot. Put 'em in the slammer! And Polynesians, man, they track sand in the house, get fish juice on the furniture, and all those pubescent chickies with their honkers exposed? Jail 'em! And how about ten to twenty, while we're at it, for every horny little teenager, I mean talk about insolence, talk about no restraint. And Negroes (sore topic, Fred?), I'm hearing rambunctious shouting and interesting grammar, I'm smelling liquor of the malt variety and sweat that's very rich and scalpy, and all that dancing and whoopee-making and singers that coo like body parts wetted with saliva and special jellies: what's a jail for if not to toss a Negro in it? And your Caribbeans with their spliffs and their potbelly toddlers and their like daily barbecues and ratborne hanta viruses and sugary drinks with pig blood at the bottom? Slam the cell door, eat the key. And the Chinese, man, those creepy-ass weird-name vegetables like homegrown dildos somebody forgot to wash after using, one-dollah, one-dollah, and those slimy carps and skinned-alive songbirds, and come on, like, puppy-dog soup and pooty-tat dumplings and female infants are national delicacies, and pork bung, by which we're referring here to the anus of a swine, presumably a sort of chewy and bristly type item, pork bung's a thing Chinks pay money for to eat? What say we just nuke all billion point two of 'em, hey? Clean that part of the world up already. And let's not forget about women generally, nothing but a trail of Kleenexes and Tampaxes everywhere they go. And your fairies with their doctor's-office lubricants, and your Mediterraneans with their whiskers and their garlic, and your French with their garter belts and raunchy cheeses, and your blue-collar ball-scratchers with their hot rods and beer belches, and your Jews with their circumcised putzes and gefilte fish like pickled turds, and your Wasps with their Cigarette boats and runny-assed polo horses and go-to-hell cigars? Hey, funny thing, Fred, the only people that don't belong in your jail are upper-middle-class northern European men. And you're on my case for wanting things my way?"

"What will it take to make you leave this room?" Alfred said.