Chapter 35

Indifference

Sunday

It felt as though his heart had been ripped out. Lucas thought it was impossible to feel worse than he already did, only to discover it wasn’t. Work was the only answer, so he drove towards the precinct with the intent of absorbing himself in the arson investigation. Perhaps he could forget her face and how battered it was because, at the moment, it was a permanent scar in his mind.

Her left eye was various shades of purple and yellow, with stitches in the corner near the eyebrow. Her bottom lip was split and swollen and there was a large dark bruise on her right cheek. Both wrists were bandaged, as was her throat, and he definitely did not want to imagine what was underneath.

Seeing her battered and bruised had been what tipped him over the edge. Walking away was the only option. He hadn’t protected her and she’d gotten hurt. He had lost focus and she had almost lost her life. Yes, he was going to be alone and miserable but he knew that it was better than living with the constant fear of her death. He loved her and he was doing this for her.

As he was about to climb out of the car, his phone rang again.

“Hudson.”

“Hello, Lucas, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Carrie.”

“You’re always fine but I want to know how you really are. Come over after work. Nathan is taking the kids to a movie so I thought I would cook you some dinner. I doubt you’ve eaten properly in the last couple of days. I won’t take no for an answer. See you at seven.” She hung up.

He dropped into the station on the way to Carrie’s to drop off his notes from the arson case to be typed up in the morning. Chelsea’s file was sitting on his desk and he knew Maggie had left it there, urging him to read it. He picked it up and thumbed the cover as he contemplated what to do. Did he want to know what was inside? This was hard enough. Knowing about her ordeal was definitely not going to help. Andrew Smyth, or Chad Wilson, or whatever his name was had been deranged and there would be nothing in the file to indicate any differently. Maggie had said Chelsea was feeling guilty but this would be her empathic nature rather than reason. She had nothing to feel guilty about. This wasn’t her fault, it was his. He had been chasing the wrong person all along. Throwing the file back on Maggie’s desk he decided to ignore it.

* * *

As he didn’t want to make the lecture he was about to receive any worse, Lucas ensured he arrived at his sister’s house promptly at seven. Nathan, Mabel and Tommy were heading towards the car as he walked to the door.

“Uncle Lucas,” they both cried together before running over to hug his legs.

“Are you coming to the movies with us?” Mabel asked him.

“Not tonight, Mabe Babe. I’m having dinner with your mum.”

“Will you be taking us out tomorrow?” Tommy asked.

“No, I have to work this weekend but I promise next week, okay?”

“Okay,” they chimed and ran towards their father’s car.

“Being happy is terrifying but it is worth it.” Nathan patted him on the back and then followed his children to the car.

“Wow, you look miserable,” Carrie said.

He shrugged.

“Come and tell me what is going on in that head of yours.”

“Nothing, Carrie. I’m fine.”

“Yes, so you said.”

She guided him into the dining room, put a plate and a beer down in front of him and began her inquisition.

“So, I hear you’re going to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“Who told you that?” he asked her between bites.

“Maggie did.” She paused. “Before you get cranky, I would have found out anyway.”

He shrugged again and continued eating.

“Lucas, I thought you loved her. How can you do this, especially after everything she’s been through?”

“I’m doing this because of everything that happened. Besides too late now, it’s done.”

“What has gotten into you? Yesterday you were devastated at the thought of losing her and today you walk away.”

He shrugged. “It ran its course. She was kidnapped and it was my job to find her as it was my job to investigate the murders. I was concerned because I had a thing with her. I wasn’t focused enough to do my job and I blame myself for what happened.”

“Lucas! Stop using your tough detective act with me.”

“I’m not.”

“What happened to the Lucas I saw last Sunday?”

He shrugged. “He got caught up in the moment I guess. The moment has passed. This is great by the way.”

“Ok, if you’re going to hide behind this bravado, Lucas—“

“I’m not,” he cut her off. “Why is this your concern anyway?”

“Damn it, Lucas. Stop it!”

He looked up at her and his composure crumbled.

“I just can’t do it, Carrie. Look how I reacted when she was gone and I’d only known her just over a week. It is only going to get harder the longer I know her and if anything happened to her again, it would be the end of me,” he said his voice full of torment.

“Ah, there you are.” She paused. “Lucas, honey, I already told you about what-ifs. You can’t go through life worrying about what might happen.”

“It did happen, Carrie. I didn’t protect her because I couldn’t think straight when I was with her.”

“You really believe this is your fault?”

“Things seem to happen to people that love me.”

“She’s still alive, Lucas and she is because of who you are.”

“That is not the point, Carrie.”

“Well, what is?”

“That I was right all along about not to getting involved. I knew my heart wouldn’t be able to take it.”

“You’re so stubborn.”

“Look who’s talking.”

“Ok, be a hard head about this but I think you deserve to be happy and I think Chelsea is the girl who will do that. I saw you with her and I got my little brother back for the first time in thirteen years. Yes, you’re terrified but we all feel like that, Lucas. You think it was easy for me? I can tell you that it wasn’t. As much as I loved Nathan, the fear felt like it was bigger.”

“Exactly my point.”

“I’m not finished,” she said, frowning at him. “Once the love grew stronger the fear went away. The chance to be happy was greater than the fear. The feeling of being in love was so wonderful that it didn’t matter what would or could happen tomorrow. All that matters is how you feel each day, and to cherish every moment. You’re just going to be miserable without her anyway.”

“Why do you think I’m finding it so difficult? I think about her every moment of every day. The ache I feel because I’m not with her, that I’m not there for her is getting worse but I … just ... can’t ...”

“I know, honey but how does it feel when you’re with her?”

“Like there’s no-one else in the world.”

“Then take the chance. Something bad has already happened and she’s still alive. You should be relieved, not running away because she might not be.”

“I hurt her. She won’t want to see me now.”

“I think you’re underestimating her feelings for you.”

“I have to think about it some more.”

“I think you do too much thinking and what you should be doing is following your heart. Now there is nothing more I can say. It’s up to you now.”

“You’re right it is up to me and I thought I’d already made my decision.”

“Well I think it’s the wrong one,” she told him taking away his dinner dishes. “Maybe you should go home. I’m far too annoyed at you right now.”

Lucas thought about everything Carrie had said to him while sitting alone in his barren apartment. With his heart empty and his mind full of Chelsea, he tried once again to get the sleep he needed.