Twenty-Five

Mahoney was barely awake, and shoeless, and therefore not a terribly useful deterrent to violence. He sat up and started glaring at Legs, who stood in front of us with the hotel room door closed and the gun fully visible now.

“Actually, it was the reason I knew you were alive,” I said. “But I’m never going to tell you why we call you that.”

“How will I go on?” Legs said with what he uses for sarcasm.

“You were right, then?” Mahoney asked.

“Yeah. Legs, here, has been alive the whole time. You killed your own brother to cover up your embezzlement and give the cops no reason to look for you, didn’t you, Legs?”

Gibson didn’t answer, but he did take a roll of duct tape out of his trench coat pocket, and motioned Mahoney into the desk chair. Mahoney didn’t move right away, so Legs put the gun closer to my face and cocked it. That convinced my bodyguard that it might be a good idea to sit in the chair.

“See, Legs here”—and I could tell every time I used that name it annoyed him, so I resolved to use it as often as possible— “skimmed thirteen million off all the sincere conservative maniacs who sent him money, and he needed to be able to cover it up so he could go on living with all the money, even after the cops or the IRS found out about it, right Legs?” He was trying to figure out how to tape Mahoney to the chair while still holding the gun, and was having a hard time doing it. “You want me to hold the gun for you while you do that, Leggsy?”

He pointed the gun at me. “Stop calling me that!” he said. “Just trying to help.” Legs went back to pulling on the edge of the tape with his teeth, while moving the gun back and forth from me to Mahoney. I don’t know why, but the image of Legs holding a gun on me just wasn’t all that frightening. Maybe because it was Legs. He’d always been annoying. He’d always been a self-congratulating pest who never conceded that anybody but he could be right, but he was never what you’d call scary. “I can understand your need to cover up the theft, Legs, but your own brother! Isn’t that just a little cold?”

“You didn’t know him,” Louis Gibson said. “He was the most self-satisfied, egotistical, ill-tempered, pompous. . .”

“In your gene pool? Who would have thought it?” Mahoney chimed in.

“He wasn’t the kind of brother you think twice about,” Legs continued, his face a little redder.

“So you stab your brother in your girlfriend’s apartment after sex, and you dump his body on the bed, put on his clothes, pull the extremely unconvincing toupee off his head and put it on your own, and assume his identity so you can be dead and still have more than thirteen million dollars. Now, that’s family values,” I said.

“I guess you can take it with you,” Mahoney added. He looked at me. “But wouldn’t the cops do fingerprints, that sort of thing, and find out it wasn’t Legs?”

“No,” I said. “The medical examiner wouldn’t have a reason to take prints if Cherie Braxton—who didn’t know him very long, and couldn’t tell the difference—and later, Stephanie, both identified the body as Louis Gibson. Lester looked enough like you to pull it off, right Legs? And once you took his shoes, the ones without the three-inch lifts in them, you were walking around at your real height, instead of the one everybody was used to. So you looked more like him.”

“DNA?” Mahoney asked. Legs was looking at whomever was speaking, as if he were a spectator, enjoying the show. After all, we were talking about how clever he was—what’s not to like?

“All they got was a hair from the piece of cabbage Legs has on his head,” I said. Legs involuntarily touched himself on the head to make sure it was still there. “That actually worked to his advantage, since the cops got a DNA match on a guy who was executed in the state of Texas seven years ago, and that totally confused them. It always pays to get a real human hair wig, does-n’t it, Legs?”

“I said, stop calling me that!” he bellowed.

“Did you know that you were wearing a murderer’s hair, Legs?” I asked. “That’s kind of, I don’t know, symmetrical, isn’t it?”

“So, where did the money go?” Mahoney asked. “The cops didn’t find it in any of his accounts.”

“They won’t find it in my accounts,” said Legs, pleased to pat himself on the back for his own ingenuity. “My mother is laundering it for me.”

“Forty-four years old and still doing his laundry at Mom’s,” Mahoney said, clucking his tongue and shaking his head. “Pathetic.”

“Clearly, Stephanie knows about all this, or she wouldn’t have led us to this room for you to shoot us, right Leggsy?” If I could get him angry enough to make a large movement before he taped us to the chair, Mahoney or I (better Mahoney) could rush him.

Legs laughed. “Yeah, Stephanie knows,” he said.

“How’d you get her to go along with it?” I asked.

The voice from the doorway was one laced with nostalgia and sex. “Go along with it?” Stephanie asked. “Do you really think he was smart enough to think this all up himself?”

She stood in the doorway in a matching trenchcoat, although hers was more of the tan-colored Humphrey Bogart type. Of course, it flattered her. I thought in that moment that the old hotel keys were better. These “slide-the-card-through-the-machine” things just didn’t make enough noise, and someone could sneak in on you like this.

“I knew Mr. Mahoney would be here,” she said. “You have a habit of hiding him in the closet, don’t you, Aaron? Sorry Louis got here so early.”

Stephanie’s face was hard and emotionless, and I had never seen her look like that before. She walked in and took the gun from Legs without so much as a blink. He gave it to her, and actually seemed to flinch a little as she reached for it.

“Tie them up,” she said. “I’ll hold the gun.”

“So it was your idea, huh Steph?” I asked.

“Naturally,” she said. “Louis couldn’t come up with a decent plan to get himself from one room to another. You have to blame yourself for this, Aaron. If you hadn’t found out more than you were supposed to, and then told me what you knew, we would-n’t have to shut you up on our way to the airport. But we have to buy a few hours before the flight leaves.”

“I’m disappointed,” I admitted. “I thought better of you than this.”

“Why?” she asked. “Because I was the girl from high school with the big tits that everybody wanted to go to bed with? We never really knew each other all that well, Aaron, so that’s the only image you could be clinging to.”

I’d been thinking quite a bit about it, so I was ready. “That wasn’t it at all, Steph,” I said. “You’re right that the image I had from twenty-five years ago was the one I was using, but it wasn’t just about sex. I never seriously considered sex with you, because I thought I was out of your league. That was before Abby taught me about leagues. I was a skinny little kid who didn’t fit into any group, and you used to talk to me sometimes. You, the coolest girl in the class. So that was what I wanted. If I could impress the cool girl, then maybe I could be cool, too.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” she said as Legs finished taping Mahoney to his chair. “But you’re never going to be cool.”

“Big news,” said Mahoney.

I cut him off. “Why me, Steph? Why’d you insist that I write about the murder, instead of just taking off with the dork and the money?” I pointed at Legs.

“There were some financial details that hadn’t been completed yet, and we needed to stay in the country for a few weeks to make sure no one suspected Louis was still alive,” Stephanie said. “Louis, get the legs.” Gibson almost reacted at the word “legs,” then started in on Mahoney’s with the tape.

“But you didn’t answer why you needed me,” I reminded her.

“You were insurance, Aaron. I could get information on what the police knew through you, and I could control which way the press was going by controlling you. You got just enough information to keep you going.”

Damn it! I wasn’t just going to get shot. Now I had to tell my wife she was right, too. Boy was I was having a day!

“But you didn’t control me,” I said. Got to get some of your own back.

“I did for a while. Long enough,” said Steph. Her eyes were devoid of emotion. “Besides, you were a great witness. You’d seen me at the reunion, and you could testify I was in New Jersey only a few hours after poor Louis had been killed.”

“Should I put tape on his mouth?” Legs asked Stephanie, pointing to Mahoney.

“Hopefully, it won’t be necessary,” she said. “Start taping Aaron.” Legs obediently walked over and started wrapping duct tape around my arms and the armchair.

“I get the better chair,” I teased Mahoney.

“Could you please tape his mouth?” Mahoney asked.

Once Legs had me securely fastened to the chair, Stephanie put the gun into her coat pocket. “You’re not going to shoot us?” I asked her.

“Not unless we have to,” she said. “We’re not cold-blooded murderers.”

“I think Lester might disagree,” I said. “How did you get him to show up at Cheri’s that day?”

“The way I get any man to do anything,” she answered. “I told him I was going to have sex with him, told him I was getting revenge on Louis for all his affairs. Then we got in with a key Louis had made. Lester showed up with his tail wagging and his tongue hanging out of his mouth.”

“I have a dog like that,” I said. “Did Lester pee on the rug, too?”

“That’s very funny, Aaron,” she said, and a shiver ran down my back.

“Must have been a shock to you, Legs, when they show up and you’re already naked on the bed. Talk about your interruptus.”

“I knew they were coming,” said Legs. “I was just expecting them later.”

“It wasn’t anything I hadn’t already seen,” Stephanie said. “And believe me, it isn’t really worth looking at.”

“Ouch,” said Mahoney. Legs actually winced a little. I was glad Abby never talked about me like that. At least not in front of me.

“So you drove up to New Jersey, immediately parked near, but not at, the airport, flew back down to D.C., killed Lester, and then flew back up to Jersey, so it could be established you were up here when the cops figured Legs had been killed?” Mahoney had the itinerary all worked out.

“Very good,” said Stephanie. “I thought that part would be enough to throw everyone off, but you’ve become a real problem, Aaron. You didn’t even respond when I tried to seduce you, and that always works.”

“I’m seduce-proof. Except for my wife, who can seduce me pretty much by breathing.” Competition brings out the best in women.

“That was the moment when we first started thinking that you might not be totally controllable,” said Stephanie. Of course, it doesn’t bring out the best in all women. That didn’t bode well. Best to distract her.

“So you couldn’t get Lester to lie down,” I continued, “and you stabbed him right there, next to the bed. You had to work fast to mop up the blood, didn’t you, Steph?”

“Good thing I had my club soda nearby,” Legs chimed in, proud of himself for having gotten something right. Stephanie rolled her eyes a little.

“How’d you make sure he didn’t have any clothes on already?” I asked Stephanie. “There were no fibers on the knife.”

“We had our. . . foreplay in the living room,” she said. “Lester already had his shirt off before we went in to consummate the relationship. The poor man, he really was awfully confused.”

“You took a big chance that old Cherie would take a shower at just the right time,” Mahoney pointed out.

“Not really,” said Legs. “The original plan was to make it look like she killed me. But she took long showers all the time after we made love.”

“I can’t imagine why,” said Mahoney.

“Now that we’ve answered all your questions, boys, I’m afraid we’ll have to leave you.” Stephanie motioned Legs toward the door, and he obeyed. “We have a plane to catch.” To Legs: “we’ll take my car.”

“A plane to a place without an extradition treaty with the United States, I’m sure,” I said. “You’re traveling under false names with very, very expensive counterfeit passports, right? And I’ll bet Mom has already funneled the money out of whatever accounts she was hiding them in and into a numbered Swiss account.”

“Cayman,” said Legs, and Stephanie flashed him an angry look.

“Your mother is really a case,” I told Legs. “You kill her own son, and she actually helps you get away with it.”

“She’s getting a decent cut of the money for her trouble,” Legs boasted. “She’ll be a wealthy woman for the rest of her life.”

“You’re lucky she doesn’t have a conscience,” I said. “Of course, she’s modeling her life on that of Eva Braun, so. . .”

“Not everyone can be as morally perfect as you, Aaron,” said Stephanie. “Louis, it’s time.”

He turned and walked out of the room. Stephanie walked over to the chair where I was restrained. She knelt to make sure she was making eye contact.

“Don’t think about screaming your way out,” she said. “I need enough time to get us to the airport. So I requested a room with no one on either side, and the upper floors here have better soundproofing. They don’t want to annoy the guests who pay six hundred dollars a night.”

“I don’t get it, Steph,” I said. “Was this all about the money? You’re going off to live the rest of your life with a guy who cheats on you on a daily basis, away from your children, and you can never come back. Is the money worth it?”

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. “Let’s see what money is worth,” Stephanie said. “Here’s the ten thousand dollars you were going to get from Snapdragon. I’m willing to bet that you won’t tell them the whole story, and they won’t print it, so I’m reimbursing you ahead of time. You won’t want to admit your embarrassing role in this, and you won’t want to soil the reputation of good old Steph Jacobs, who’s been on your pedestal since you were sixteen. Here.” She put the money in my inside jacket pocket.

“You think my taking the money proves that I’m as bad as you? That I’d kill an innocent man and live my life with a lizard like Legs Gibson for money?”

She knelt back down next to me, and whispered in my ear. “It’s not just the money,” she said. “I actually love him.” I looked at her, and couldn’t stop myself.

“Why?” I asked, and she shrugged. Then Stephanie stood up and started toward the door. She stopped, turned, and walked to Mahoney, who looked up at her in wonder. Then, Stephanie leaned down and kissed him hard on the lips for a long moment. When the kiss was finished, she turned on her heels and walked briskly out the hotel room door without looking back.

Mahoney and I stared at each other for a while, then he broke into a wide grin.

“See?” he said. “I told you she liked me better.”