[ 14 ]

HOW DR. TERRIBLE BROKE MY HEART, AND THEN GAVE ME MY SPACESHIP ATHENOS II

Dr. Terrible gave me ATHENOS II as a gift a couple months back, but that makes my scaly grandpa sound a damn sight more thoughtful than the bastard truthfully is.

Because here’s what really happened: Like a fool, I’d wanted to prove to my grandpa that despite my lack of horn growth and my jumbo-sized heart and my propensity to faint, I was making progress in the MATING MAGNETISM department because I’d gotten this dragonette cadet Idrixia to agree to be my Queen.

I mean it wasn’t official, because we were going to have to wait until Crown Day to make it official. But still, it was a done deal, between me and Idrixia.

Now my radar probably should’ve gone off when a luscious senior chick like Idrixia came on so strong like that. I should’ve known that it was too good to be true, and that she had ulterior motives. Such as she was really just aiming to horn in on my grandpa Dr. Terrible, because she considered him to be the most faboo dude in the universe and all.

I still remember the day I met Idrixia. I’d been zooming around the corridors of Central Campus when out of the blue this hot dragonette came flying up and plowed right into my scaly chest. I bounced off the wall and fell to the floor, with the wind knocked out of me.

This was Idrixia.

“Watch where you’re going, handsome,” she purred, while waving her tail around in the air behind her.

“But you crashed into me,” I said. Looking up at her, I felt a bolt of lust ripple through my haunches.

“Guess when I see a hot fella such as yourself,” she purred, “my navigation skills get a little wonky.” Then she reached down and picked me up off the ground, making sure to rub her scales all up against me. “Hey,” she said, “you’re Dr. Terrible’s grandson, right?”

Things moved quickly from there, and within days Idrixia had volunteered to be my Queen. I gotta admit, I fell for her real hard. I mean it’s not every day that a loser like me with a Snacklicious rank has a juicy dragonette fawning all over him.

So before Idrixia came along, I’d been sort of obsessed with Runcita. But then with Idrixia calling me “hot stuff” and “handsome” and cooing over me like that, well it kind of made me forget all about Runcita.

Besides, by that point Runcita hadn’t yet started visiting me in my dreams.

So a couple months back, on my typical Friday WILL TO POWER session with Dr. Terrible here on campus at his Institute, I’d brought Idrixia with me to introduce her to my grandpa and all.

I strutted into my grandpa’s lair with Idrixia and I stood up high on my hind legs and spread my wings and snorted firebolts out my nostrils and proudly boomed: “Dr. Terrible, I want you to meet my new chick, Idrixia!”

I pointed the tip of my wing at Idrixia, who was looking around Dr. Terrible’s lair with her black beak hanging wide open.

My scaly green grandpa was hanging upside down from the ceiling with his wings folded, and he was gazing with one open yellow eye at Idrixia.

Then Idrixia bent down and scooped up a bunch of gold coins off the floor and let them run through her talons and drop back down to the floor. And then she squirted blacksmoke out her nostrils and said, “Wow. Your lair is amazing, Dr. Terrible! I love it!”

She playfully kicked a bleached white skull setting atop some jewels, and the skull went flying across the lair and smashed against the far wall and shattered on top of a pile of gold.

“I’ve never seen so many skulls! Fantastic!” said Idrixia. “There’s nothing I love more than some bones and gold. I’m a bones and gold chick, all the way. All the dragonettes from my family are. Give us a lair full of bones and gold, and we’re basically in Heaven. And I gotta be honest, Dr. Terrible, I feel like I’m squatting in Heaven right now.”

Idrixia dove headfirst into a mound of gold and jewels and bones and she started rolling around and chanting, “Bones and gold! Bones and gold! Bones and gold!”

Then she lay on her back and grinned and started slowly flapping her wings back and forth, and she shouted, “I’m making a gold angel! Looky here! I’m making a gold angel!”

I was a little taken aback by Idrixia’s behavior. But I guess part of me could understand, when I tried to see it from her perspective. I mean my grandpa’s luscious lair is covered in millions of gold pieces and diamonds and red and blue and green gems scattered everywhere. The joint is definitely faboo. There are all these weirdly shaped bones from unknown creatures mixed in with the loot and it seems like you can’t take a step in there without tripping over a skull.

I mean you really have to give it up to the demented reptilian bastard. Dr. Terrible definitely has the most boss lair of any professor on campus.

Anyway, so Dr. Terrible was still hanging upside down from the ceiling with his wings closed, but now he had both yellow eyes open and he was staring like a fiend at Idrixia lying atop all that gold. And he had a little string of drool dangling from the corner of his black beak.

Now the moment I saw my scaly grandpa’s upside-down beak all lit up in that creepy way, I got a weird feeling in my belly.

And my horns started tingling like crazy.

Then Dr. Terrible dropped down from the ceiling and he landed like a cheetah and when his green webbed feet hit the ground all those gold coins and gems and bones splashed up in the air. His notorious red cape made a sharp snap sound before settling on his back between his leathery wings, which were slightly extended and definitely kind of puffed-up looking.

My grandpa sauntered over on his muscular haunches and clutched Idrixia’s talon in greeting. “Weak Sauce, what an incredibly beautiful dragoness you brought with you! Idrixia, is it?”

Idrixia, still lying on her back on top of all that gold, giggled. “Dr. Terrible,” she said. “So glad to finally meet you.” Then she got up from the ground and stood there on her haunches, gazing at Dr. Terrible and panting.

And so right there in his lair, while he was still clutching Idrixia’s talon, he got down on one haunch and purred: “Forgive my impulsiveness, my dearest Idrixia! But I am suddenly overcome by a feeling I have never experienced in all my six hundred and eighty-four years. I feel as if I have just this moment started living. It’s as if your beauty and the presence of your spirit has magically awakened me from a deep slumber. So tarry no more will I!”

Then my scaly green grandpa pulled this mega diamond ring off his utility belt and gently placed it on Idrixia’s middle claw. “My dear Idrixia, would you do me the honor of being my Queen? I do believe you are the dragonette to lay my next clutch of eggs. Will you be mine, my dearest Drixy?”

Drixy?! At that moment it felt as if my giant heart were made of glass and Dr. Terrible’s words were a hammer, smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces.

Now, to my ever-loving shock, Idrixia got this dreamy look on her scaly green face and she flapped her leathery wings and then she tittered and whispered, “Yes.”

And when she accepted Dr. Terrible’s marriage proposal, she ripped my heart out.

I couldn’t understand how she could do such a thing to me.

Though I reckon it probably didn’t hurt that when Dr. Terrible proposed to Idrixia he promised her, if she agreed to marry him, that he’d have a new planet built entirely out of gold and that he’d name the planet Idrixia II and then give it to her as a gift. Then he waved his powerstaff and a 3-D holophoto appeared in the air, displaying the gold planet he intended to build for her.

“Just say the word,” he purred. “And I’ll have my engineers start working on Idrixia II right away. And your solid gold planet will be finished in a couple hours. We can go visit it tonight, while we’re on our honeymoon. Think of it like a dowry, only a reverse dowry. Immense wealth passing from me to you.”

So as I stood there in my scaly grandpa’s boss lair I could feel my jumbo heart crank up in my chest and I knew I had to get out of there directly because I was about to faint. And so without saying a word I abruptly turned and walked out the door and flew straight to my lair and crawled into my nest and stayed there with the sheets pulled way over my head for the whole next week.

Now I never told anybody this but during that week I spent in my lair, my BIOCON LEVS dropped dangerously low.

My FIRESTREAM BLAST RADIUS dropped to TepidTorch.

My SCALE DENSITY & LUSTER plummeted to RockStopper.

I remember at one point, there under the sheets, I checked my Cadet Profile and my WILL TO POWER rank had dropped to ThrashBait. That’s how heartbroken I was.

So when Dr. Terrible stole my Idrixia away from me, I nearly died of a broken heart, literally.

Because if your WTP drops to zero, then you die. End of story.

Then a week later, on Friday, when I finally crawled out of my nest and left my lair, ATHENOS II the spaceship was waiting for me in the lava pits right outside my dormitory.

On Friday, I would’ve normally gone to see Dr. Terrible for my weekly session. It had already been one week since he’d stolen Idrixia away from me. But I was all through with my scaly grandpa and his fool Institute.

Because while lying in my lair all week and crying and feeling sorry for myself, I promised myself that I would never go back. No matter what.

I was through with that degenerate Dr. Terrible and his stupid sessions. Because I didn’t see how stealing my Queen and treating me like a putrid nasty thing was going to help me develop my WILL TO POWER.

Anyway, when I walked by ATHENOS II that morning, she said: “Cadet Gork The Terrible, I have an important letter here for you.”

Then a hideous green fleshy tentacle shot out of the spaceship and zoomed over to me, clutching an envelope.

Now I’m not a dummy. I mean I figured this spaceship and the envelope she was holding out to me with her muscular green tentacle that morning had something to do with that bastard Dr. Terrible and my stolen Idrixia. I may be stupid but I’m not that stupid. But even after spending a week in my lair sulking in my nest, I was still so pissed off and heartbroken about Idrixia that part of me wanted to just walk away and ignore the stupid letter.

And so that’s exactly what I did.

I walked away and ignored the letter.

“Come on, Gork,” said ATHENOS II, as the glistening green tentacle followed me and held the envelope several inches in front of me that morning. “Just read the letter.” And no matter which way I turned or how many times I tried to run away, that demented tentacle always managed to keep several inches in front of me, dangling the envelope right in front of my beak.

So finally I growled, “Give me that stupid thing,” and then snatched the envelope away and tore it open and stood there reading it:

Dear Gork,

I am writing you from my lair here at the Institute. I hope someday you will return to finish your WILL TO POWER session which you so rudely walked out of last week, because I think I could cure you just like that (I’m snapping my claws right now).

We could grow those horns and shrink that jumbo heart of yours. We could also make it so you stop fainting all the time like a big fat wussy. But that’s a matter to be discussed on another occasion.

Now let me address the elephant in the room. Idrixia. First off, I want you to know that I am not sorry for stealing Idrixia away from you last Friday and marrying her. Because my name is Dr. Terrible and this is what we Terribles do.

We act terrible.

Now if it’s any consolation, when I was your age my grandpa stole the love of my life away from me and married her. And so I only want you to know that I feel your pain.

But I also laugh at it, because I am terrible.

And I am sure that right now you’re feeling a lot of raw and jagged emotions but I would ask that you not let your heart turn icy with hate for me, your loyal and dutiful legal guardian.

Though the truth is I guess I really don’t care if you do.

For as I write this my heart is singing because I am in love for the first time in hundreds of years. And perhaps it will comfort you to know that while Idrixia is technically my forty-eighth Queen, she is without a doubt my favorite.

So far anyway. Ha-ha!

Just kidding.

No seriously, she’s definitely my favorite!

As a gesture of consolation I am sending you this spaceship, ATHENOS II. I built her myself. And ATHENOS II is the prized spaceship from my fleet and it is with a deep sense of sadness that I part ways with her. For ATHENOS II has led me through many exciting adventures across the foamy universe.

I think you will find that ATHENOS II is a loyal friend and servant. She can help you with your fainting problem. She will also work with you to find a way to somehow boost your BIOCON LEVS.

Because remember it is what’s on the inside that counts. So focus on growing your WILL TO POWER, and your horns will follow.

Now I expect ATHENOS II will be of great assistance as you somehow try to find yourself another dragonette for EggHarvest. If that is even possible, I don’t know. Because it seems like any chick you get is really just using you as a way to get to me. Though you really can’t blame them, the chicks I mean. I am after all the infamous Dr. Terrible. Impossible to resist, really.

Now please take good care of my dear sweet ATHENOS II, and I can promise you that in turn she will do the same for you.

I remain your devoted legal guardian,

Dr. Karzakus The Terrible, M.D., Ph.D.

Distinguished Research Professor

Institute of Advanced Biokinetics and Neuroanatomy

WarWings Academy

P.S. Idrixia says hi! She’s lying right next to me here in my nest. We are still technically on our honeymoon. Ha-ha! I am so terrible. (:

P.P.S. I have also enclosed a canister of my newest invention, GrowGrow^® gel. I devised this GrowGrow^® gel just for you and your horns. This is customized medicine. Spritz this gel on your horns at least three times a day, and you should see significant horn growth within a week or so. If we don’t find a way to get those horns of yours to grow in the next couple months, then no chick is ever going to be your Queen and mate with you for EggHarvest. Trust me, even Idrixia said she never would have left you if your horns had been a normal size. (:

P.P.P.S. Please stop calling my campus lair phone # every ten minutes in hopes that somehow you’ll be able to reach Idrixia. And if, as you recently told me over the phone, you’re truly calling because you have an actual emotional emergency, well then we can discuss your so-called emergency during our next weekly session. Which I have taken the liberty of scheduling for next week at our usual time. See you then, Friday afternoon at 1:00 P.M. (:

P.P.P.P.S. I’m sorry about all these smiley faces, though the truth is I just can’t help myself. I may be terrible, but I am also very happy!