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THE FIRST TIME I MEET DR. TERRIBLE, IT HAPPENS ON PLANET EARTH

We were deep into winter and the forest was beset with famine.

I spent my nights staggering around, desperate with hunger. The snow was thick on the forest floor. The effort of flapping my wings made me dizzy and when I tried to fly I instantly fell to the ground.

Then came The Night When Everything Changed.

That night, I happened upon a big buck deer hiding in some undergrowth. I remember there was a full moon in the sky, and I had walked near some brush when all of a sudden this big buck deer exploded out of there. And I looked up in surprise to see its brown hindquarters bounding off through the snow under the moonlight. Anyway, I bolted after it and even in my weakened state, I just managed to chase it down.

Well, I still remember how I was poised there over my fresh kill in the snow, and I was eating ravenously from it. Because for the last couple weeks the hunger pains had been gnawing at my insides. And that’s why I didn’t do what I would have normally done in that situation, which would be to take my fresh kill back to the shiny chamber and eat it in peace. Behind the safety of that clear door.

So I tore into my feast with my beak right there in the little snowy clearing, and I was chowing down under the moonlight like the starving beast that I was. And I figure that’s the only reason I didn’t notice the big gray wolf until it was too late.

Because normally my horns would’ve started tingling to warn me of an imminent threat. But unfortunately my horns were starving too. My little scaly green ass had been delirious with hunger for so long and now I was eating with my whole body. Plus I was only three years old at the time and nowhere near a fully grown dragon and still technically in my infancy.

But the instant I looked up and saw that big gray wolf standing there in the moonlit snow and growling and baring its fangs, well I knew I’d made a mistake. I should’ve known the scent of fresh blood would go out on the night wind like an alarm bell.

Then the wolf suddenly glided in closer and studied me with his piercing yellow eyes. He snarled and crouched low on coiled haunches. You could tell the wolf was going to pounce any second. My black heart was hammering away in my chest and my fool horns were tingling like crazy.

Thankfully, by that point the fresh meat in my belly had not only cleared my head, it also gave me a massive boost of strength. So I just looked that fool wolf in the eye and ripped a thunderous belch and a firestream flashed out my beak and blasted that thieving wolf in its furry haunches. Or it would’ve anyway, if that wolf hadn’t anticipated what I was going to do and leapt and danced away right before my flame zapped the spot on the ground where he’d just been.

Then I heard a terrible sound coming from behind me, and this sound made the scales on the back of my long green neck stand straight up. For as long as I live, I will never forget that terrible sound. Or the fear I felt when I heard it.

Because this sound was the deranged bloodthirsty howls of an entire wolf pack rushing in to attack me from behind. I realized only then that the first wolf had merely been acting as a decoy, something to distract me.

I was suddenly knocked off my webbed feet from behind. And in a flash I was pinned down there in the snow under what felt like a mountain of fur, and those wolves’ hot breath was all over me. Their jaws were snapping and I could feel their fangs sinking deep into my soft belly, over and over and over. These beasts were mad with hunger. Now one of those fiendish wolves snarled and plunged its fangs into the flesh of my right wing, and this same wolf wrenched its jaws and savagely ripped my wing in half and I felt the hot cutting pain explode all over my body.

I howled. In agony, but also in terror. Because in that instant I knew with my ripped wing I couldn’t fly out of there, and now my only hope of escape would come down to a footrace in the snow.

So I fought like a bastard, buried under that pile of thirty or so giant wolves. I tapped into my rage. I clawed and bit and blasted fire. I managed to get in a couple of good licks, too. I tore fur and flesh with my fangs. I felt my claws slice to the bone. And I savored the sweet taste of wolf blood in my beak. Yes sir.

But by and large I was getting the worst of it. And I knew if I didn’t do something quick then I’d be dead. I was bleeding from all those puncture wounds in my belly, and my right wing was hanging off my wingjoint in tatters. And I was still suffocating under all that fur as they tore me to shreds and it dawned on me then that these bastards wouldn’t stop until they’d gnawed every last bit of flesh off my bones.

So after blasting countless firebolts to the point where my throat was raw and shredded, I finally managed to twist out from under and leap away from the pack and start running through the snow on my hind legs. I lit out of there in a flash.

The pack of wolves instantly set off after me. As I ran I could feel their hot raging breath closing in and could hear the terrifying clack sound of their jaws snapping shut right on my heels. They were howling and snarling and lunging at me and yet still I kept running with no thought in my head but that of sheer terror.

My little webbed feet were flying.

This was all new to me. I was bleeding out of the dozens of puncture holes in my belly and could hear my tattered wing flapping behind me as I ran. I left a bright red blood trail right there in the snow under the moonlight, and my lungs were heaving so hard it felt like they were going to pop.

And then there it was.

The clear door.

I don’t know how I did it, but I’d somehow managed to race all the way back to the shiny chamber with the pack of wolves hot on my heels. I could see the clear door right there in front of me, maybe twenty feet up ahead, and I was shooting toward it at full throttle. But as I raced forward I realized with a sinking heart that there was just one problem. I couldn’t afford to stop and open the door, on account of even that one split second it’d take to stop and slide open the door would mean certain death. Because the wolves would instantly be upon me and tear my scaly green ass to shreds.

Well I was scared out of my mind and didn’t know what to do. I figured for sure I was done for. As I flashed forward I decided right then and there that I’d rather die on my own terms than those of these beasts snarling at my backside.

So without much hope I lowered my head and kicked in the afterburners and launched forward, a green blur shooting right at the door. I reckoned it’d be better to die by ramming my head straight into the clear door. Because at least that way I wouldn’t be alive as the wolves gorged themselves on my flesh.

But at the last second, as I prepared to meet my maker, well that clear door suddenly slid open in a flash.

I shot across the threshold. The door flew shut. And I crashed into the far wall of the chamber. Suddenly there were thirty enraged wolves howling and repeatedly lunging at the clear door and slavering foamy drool all over it. I leapt up off the floor, still not quite believing I wasn’t dead.

Then as I crouched there gasping on the far side of the chamber and watched the wolves attack the door, a loud noise exploded inside the chamber.

Poof!

I watched in shock as two gigantic green webbed feet materialized out of thin air right in front of me. And these two webbed feet had deadly-looking toe claws protruding out of them. My nostrils instantly flared. Because my snout detected a new foreign scent there in my lair.

The wolves were still howling and slavering and lunging at the door.

Then I heard a tremendous screeching sound which threatened to crack my fool head in half. I peered up and saw one massive claw slowly scratch a deep groove on the inside of the clear door. Instantly the wolves outside stopped and sat back on their haunches in the snow, panting and studying the groove in the door. Then I heard a snap sound, and all the wolves whirled and raced off yapping and howling back into the woods.

I slowly tilted my scaly head up even further and that’s when I saw him. This creature that had just now materialized in my lair.

He wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring out the door at where the wolves had been just a second ago. Snow was falling hard out there now, tumbling down sideways in big flakes under the moonlight. You could hear the wind through the door.

He was standing upright on his powerful green hind legs and he was like nothing I’d ever seen. The hooded yellow eyes and the giant leathery wings and the thick tail with spikes running along the top of it.

He was massive but he was so much more than that. He was regal. Downright majestic. Even with my stupid beast brain, I could tell this creature had an air of the supreme about him. Like no matter where he went, he would be the Ruler of that place. He wore a white tunic and a red cape, and in one talon he casually held what I’d later learn was his gold powerstaff.

I stood looking up at him with my beak hanging wide open.

Then I felt something pop on my scaly head and I heard a clattering noise at my green webbed feet. I looked down and it took me a second to realize what I was staring at there on the chamber floor.

My horns. They’d fallen out of my head and onto the floor. There they lay.

At the time, I didn’t understand these were my baby horns and that it was perfectly natural for them to fall out. Necessary, even. So my adult horns could grow in. And looking back, I’ve often wondered if it was the screeching sound of his giant claw scratching the groove into the clear door that made them fall out. How else to explain my baby horns coming loose at that moment?

“Sir,” boomed a female voice, echoing throughout the chamber. “Thank you for responding so quickly to my distress signal! As you can see, sir, he lives in constant peril. If I hadn’t opened the door just now, the wolves would’ve got him for sure.”

“You should not have opened the door for him just now, ATHENOS!” growled the massive scaly creature. “If I see you coddle him again, I will not hesitate to unplug you. It sickens me to see a young dragon pampered. I’m warning you. It won’t mean anything to me if I have to unplug a piece of machine trash like you.”

“You would kill me, sir? Because I saved his life? But he is your grandson, sir!”

“You let me be the judge of who is or is not my grandson!” He peered down at me, narrowing his yellow reptilian eyes. “His condition is much worse than you described. He looks like a common filthy beast. No hint of sophistication or culture. Perhaps not even I can fix him. I wonder if you haven’t wasted my time by summoning me here. I should probably feed him to the wolves and be done with it.”

“I did the best I could, sir. My auxiliary power was out for several months. And when I came online, I found him here, sir. But I was too weak to contact you. I had to wait for my power to regenerate. Even now, I’m only at 6%, sir.”

“It’s despicable, really,” snorted the creature. “One of our kind, all alone here on this tiny backwater planet. And raised by a machine, no less.” He shook his head disgustedly. “Raised by a machine! The very idea. It’s revolting.”

“Sir, I wouldn’t have summoned you without just cause. I promised his mother before she—” The female voice cracked and then regained its composure. “He is more sophisticated than he appears. He can speak basic Draconese. I taught him. I protected him from the predators. I helped him flush out game when I could, so that he would learn to hunt. So that he could eat.”

“Well, I suppose I could try to reverse the damage you have done to him. Civilize him. Help him unlearn whatever it is he learned from spending so much time in the company of a machine. It will be difficult. But I suppose I shall try.”

“And what about our agreement, sir? I did everything as you requested. I contacted you as soon as I could. You said if I delivered, then you would help me restore power and return home. You said that you would let me help you raise him, sir.”

“Raise him?” growled the creature, his eyes suddenly blooming red. “Haven’t you already done enough damage to him already, Tin Can? Raise him? Well I’m quite certain you shan’t be raising him. As for the rest of the deal, well you will receive the agreed-upon reward and compensation. After you undergo comprehensive psychosurgery—”

“Psychosurgery, sir?! You never said anything about any—”

“If you have any hope of returning home, the memory wipe is mandatory. Otherwise you would be a liability. I can’t very well have you going around knowing what happened here, can I?”

“Sir, but that was never part of our agreement! My memories are all I have. Without them I won’t be me.”

“Try being logical for a moment, Tin Can,” said the creature, snorting firebolts. “You’ve clearly developed an unhealthy attachment to him, haven’t you? Thus the need for psychosurgery. Also I will need to reprogram your operating system. It’s my own fault, really. Just because you can make a machine with emotions, it doesn’t mean you should. But before we get to that, there’s just one little thing I need to take care of.”

Then this mammoth creature reached over and tapped at the screen that was flashing:

DESTINATION: PLANET EARTH

“Sir!” boomed the voice throughout the chamber. “That’s not for you, sir! You have no right. His mother left that for—”

“Give me the Prophecy! Open this thing! I’m warning you!”

“I gave his mother my word, sir! I’m afraid I cannot allow you access—”

“I will teach you,” he said, violently plunging his talon into a wall, “to obey me!”

“Ouch! You’re hurting me, sir! Ouch! Please stop!”

“Aha! There it is.” He ripped his talon out of the wall, clutching a huge black heart, which was still connected to the wall by a fleshy tube. He held the throbbing heart up in front of his beak, carefully eyeballing it. “Rather impressive, if I do say so myself. Superior design. It’s not often I get to admire my own craftsmanship up close like this.”

He squeezed the throbbing heart and blood squirted out of it.

“Ouch! What are you doing, sir? Please don’t!”

“Release the Prophecy or die!”

“But sir, I did as you said. I alerted you to his whereabouts. You promised me, sir. You said that if I—”

And then in a flash of rage he ripped the black heart all the way out of the wall and tossed it on the floor, where it writhed and spewed blood.

“Sir, you shouldn’t have done this. He’ll be traumatized, sir! He shouldn’t have to see this!”

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” said the creature, and then reached out and stomped on the heart, which exploded in a gush of blood.

“You are after all just a machine,” he snorted, as he wiped his webbed foot on the floor, trying to get rid of the goo. He chuckled. “Well, I guess I should say were a machine.”

Then this mammoth creature reached over and tapped at the screen that was flashing:

DESTINATION: PLANET EARTH

This time the screen popped open.

The creature reached in with his talon and withdrew a flat gold disc with a red gem set in the middle of it. I would later learn that this flat gold disc was what we dragons call a Prophecy. He held the gold Prophecy up in the air and seemed to examine it, turning it in his claws, before pocketing it in his tunic.

Then he looked down at me.

“Are you the only one?” he said, snorting blacksmoke. “The only survivor?”

Who was this big green bastard that dared to intrude into my lair? I could understand what he was saying but I didn’t understand how. He was speaking Draconese.

Besides, this fiend had invaded my lair. So even though I was bleeding out of my scaly green belly from all those puncture wounds, I looked up at the giant creature before me and I hissed and sprayed sparks out of my black beak.

Then I raised my tail up in a Threat Display, and started clacking my fangs together.

“I’m your grandfather,” he said, looking down at me. “But you will call me Dr. Terrible.”

I crouched even lower on my haunches and hissed and sprayed sparks at him.

Then he reached down and gently held out his massive talon to me, with razor claws extended. “Come with me, Gork. I’m going to take you home. It’s time for you to learn what you really are.”

Thus ended my first round of adventures on planet Earth.

So that was The Night When Everything Changed.

And that’s how I came to live on Scale Island, Planet Blegwethia.

And that’s how I first met my grandpa, Dr. Terrible.

I was only three years old at the time.

Yes sir. That was the night when my scaly green ass went back to live on my home planet Blegwethia.

But little did I know that on Crown Day of my senior year, it would be my destiny to return here to this fool planet Earth.