Chapter 10

“ZOE?” CARA CALLED, CRACKING OPEN THE DOOR OF HER bedroom after school. She was panting a little from her sprint home after the final bell. She couldn’t wait to tell Zoe about her encounter with Ethan in the training room. “Zo?” The curtains were drawn against the gray afternoon, leaving the room in half-shadows. Cara softly shut the door behind her.

The room was deserted, the bed tumbled with sheets and sprawling pillows. A stack of magazines sat on the floor near the nightstand, along with an empty plate. Cara’s heart started beating a little faster. “Zoe?” She looked around. Then, in an instant, she knew, just knew, that this was the end. Zoe had left, gone who knows where, leaving her to face her life alone. Her breath whistled through her nostrils.

She heard a clink from the bathroom and rushed over to the door. Zoe was there, standing at the counter, carefully applying mascara. The rest of Cara’s makeup—most of which was years old—was spread out in front of her. Zoe looked around. “Oh, hi,” she said without smiling.

Cara sagged against the doorjamb, then made her way into the bathroom, where she collapsed on the closed lid of the toilet. “Oh my God, you scared me half to death! I thought you were gone.”

Zoe applied a coral lipstick. “Nope,” she replied, snapping the case closed sharply. “Still here.” She bit the words off sharply, as if spitting out orange seeds.

“Well, don’t do that again,” Cara said. She took a deep breath and her heart slowed to its normal rhythm. “Anyway, you’ll never believe what happened this morning—actually, this afternoon, too, but really this morning. Remember how I went in early to stretch? It was boiling in that room, so I—”

Zoe shoved the lipstick back in Cara’s flowered makeup bag and whirled around. Her eyes were spidery with mascara. Her coral lips gleamed stickily. “Yeah, that’s great, Car. I’m glad everything’s going better at school, but you know, you might want to think about someone other than yourself for just one tiny second, okay?” She pushed past Cara into the bedroom.

“What are you talking about?” Cara stood uncertainly in the doorway. Zoe flung open her closet door and was rapidly sorting through the clothes.

“I mean ever since I got here, it’s been Cara this and Cara that, and boo-hoo, my life is so awful, and Zoe, will you help me?” Her voice was hard. Zoe pulled out a short red dress with the tags still attached. “And I have helped you, even though you’re oblivious.”

“Zo, I’m sorry.” Cara reached out to her friend, tears already pricking beneath her eyes. God, how could she have been so selfish? After everything Zoe had gone through with her stepdad, this was the last place she should feel neglected.

Cara tried to put her arms around Zoe, but she drew away. Dropping her sweatpants to the floor, Zoe pulled the red dress over her head. Fear clutched at Cara’s heart. There was nothing worse than having Zoe mad at her. It was the one thing she couldn’t stand.

“You’re right,” Cara pleaded. “I’ve been so wrapped up in all my little problems, I haven’t been thinking about you.” She placed a tentative hand on her friend’s back. This time, Zoe didn’t move. “Can I do anything to make it up to you?”

Zoe whirled around and looked Cara in the face. “I want to go out.”

Cara took a step back. “What? No! Zo, you can’t. It’s way too dangerous.” She looked around the room. “Do you want some different food? I can go out and get us anything. Or a movie? Or . . . some books?”

“No.” Zoe’s face was dark. “I’m sick of being cooped up in here. Either you come with me or I’m going by myself. But I’m going out. You can’t stop me, you know, Cara.” She moved toward the door.

“Zoe, wait!” Cara clutched at her arm. “Your parents are probably looking for you. They might have even called the police. Please! I’d die if they took you away.” Hysterical tears gathered in her eyes, threatening to overwhelm her. Cara’s body shook at the thought of losing her friend again. Her face must have shown her anguish because Zoe’s arm relaxed under Cara’s hand.

“I’d die if they took me away too,” she said. Slowly, she sank down on the bed.

Cara took a deep, shaky breath. “Okay,” she said carefully. “Just wait one second.” She pulled two pairs of boots from the closet. “I’ve got the perfect solution.”

Ten minutes later, they were tramping across an overgrown meadow behind Cara’s house, rain jackets open against the light drizzle, the goldenrod brushing their calves above the boots. Zoe still wore the red dress, now damp with rain. She looked doubtful. “Cara, this isn’t really what I had in mind.” She glanced up at the gray sky.

Cara grabbed her hand and tugged. “Come on!” she said. “It’s only across that next field.” She pointed to a dark smudge of trees in the distance. “See that? It’s in those woods.”

“Where are we anyway?” Zoe pushed aside a tall clump of grass.

“Just an old farm,” Cara said. “All these fields are overgrown. No one comes around here anymore. I think the guy who owns it checks in maybe once a year. But otherwise, it’s just sitting here.” The woods loomed in front of them. Cara pulled Zoe in among the rough trunks of the pine trees. “There.” She stopped.

“Oh, wow.” Zoe breathed. They were standing in front of a decaying barn. The boards that made up the walls were rotten at the bottom and broken off like jagged teeth. In a few places, peeling red paint was still visible, but the rest of the barn was a weathered silver gray. The roof sagged dangerously, almost swaybacked. A row of glassless windows gaped from the side like pits. “What is this place?”

Cara tugged at one of the big doors at the front. It slid open reluctantly, screeching on its rusted rails. She stepped into the dank, musty interior. “It’s my hideout. I just like to come down here sometimes to chill, read, you know, just get away from things.” She gestured around her. The dust motes floated cheerfully in the air when it was sunny out, but today, the leaden sky pressed at the cracks in the walls. A steady drip-drip came from somewhere in the back.

On either side of them, old stalls had once held horses and perhaps a cow, but now the partitions were rotted, and some had crashed over entirely. Ancient straw reeking of mold was still spread on the floor. Here and there, rusted pieces of farm machinery sat like remnants of the Inquisition. A crude set of steps in the corner led to an open hayloft, which spread across the top half of the barn. Zoe looked up to the dizzying rafters, soaring fifty feet above them. A window was at each end, but no barn swallows soared in and out today.

Cara led Zoe to the farthest stall, where a rough gray blanket had been patted into a sort of nest. “Here’s where I hang out,” she said. “I’ve got a flashlight, a water bottle, a cushion. And . . .” She reached into a corner and pulled a cellophane bag out with a flourish. “Tortilla chips! I left them last time I was here.”

Zoe smiled. “It would’ve been so fun to have a place like this when we were growing up.” She sank down on the blanket and pulled open the bag of chips. Her dress was riding up on her legs, showing her grayish underwear, but Zoe didn’t seem to care.

“I know! Remember all that time we spent behind your house?” Cara sat down.

“Making fairy nests?” Zoe grinned.

“Frog nests,” Cara corrected her.

“Right, frog nests!” They both laughed. Cara remembered the loamy, sour smell of the dirt and the way the stiff honeysuckle branches would poke her in the legs and back. She remembered the big brown bottles scattered in the dirt, “Colt 45” on the faded labels. She hadn’t known what they were back then. “Colt” was like a horse, but why would someone name a drink after a horse?

“Remember when we found that old beer?” Cara asked Zoe. “And you drank some. I thought you were so bad!”

Zoe nodded. “I was such a messed-up little kid.” She shook her head, smiling a little.

“Not like anything’s changed!” Cara poked her friend playfully in the stomach. Zoe’s face darkened and instantly, Cara knew that had been a mistake. Zoe’s mouth tightened. She scraped intently at the dirt floor with a stick while Cara waited tensely. For her punishment. No—that just jumped into her head. Zoe was her friend. They could tease each other, just like they always had.

Zoe threw the stick down and, as if she’d come to a decision, rearranged herself on the blanket so she was facing Cara.

“So, what happened with Ethan this morning?” Her voice was friendly and relaxed. The tension of the previous moment was gone.

Cara exhaled. “Well,” she said, wiggling into the proper position for a good talk. “I was in the training room, like I said, stretching out, and I’d taken off my shirt because it was so hot.” She described Ethan’s face when he came in, and how he blushed, and then she blushed. “And we actually, like, talked, for maybe five minutes. And he said I was funny. I think guys really like that in a girl, don’t you think?”

Zoe nodded. “Totally. That’s usually one of the things they say is most important. That and big boobs.” She stuffed another chip in her mouth.

Cara rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’ve got one out of two.” She thought of the way his eyes crinkled up at the corners when he smiled. Unable to sit still all of a sudden, she jumped up from the blanket and cruised the perimeter of the stall, tracing the splintery old wood with her fingers. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. He’ll never be with me—he’s got Alexis.”

She turned around. Zoe was watching her. She seemed to be considering something. “Do you think he’d go out with you if she wasn’t in the picture?”

“Like if they broke up for real?” Cara snorted. “Zo, first of all, that’ll never happen. They’ve been together since freshman year, and they break up all the time, but it never sticks. Second, Ethan’s never going to make a move on me because I’m me. I mean, look at this.” She spread her arms, indicating her stained navy hoodie and baggy, faded jeans.

“That’s not true,” Zoe said indignantly. “You’re a thousand times nicer and cuter than Alexis Bitchmobile. He just hasn’t realized it yet. But he will eventually—I know it.”

Cara shrugged and collapsed on the gray blanket. “I’m happy for crumbs. I did get to talk with him alone.”

Zoe blinked. “Wait. Was this the first time you’d actually been alone with a cute guy?”

Cara thought briefly about denying it—she knew how lame it was—but it was no good around Zoe. She nodded.

Zoe stretched her legs out in front of her and leaned back on her palms. “Okay, so be honest. Have you been out on a date yet? Even in a group?”

Cara shook her head. “No. Never. I’ve barely been to any parties since high school started.” She sighed and sank down in front of Zoe on her knees. “I know how lame that sounds.”

Zoe smiled. “Whatever. You don’t have to worry about sounding lame in front of me. But wait, I’m not done.”

Cara sort of wished she’d drop this particular line of questioning, but Zoe was pinning her in place with the force of her violet eyes.

Zoe leaned forward. “Have you ever kissed a guy before?” Her voice was low and conspiratorial. Her breath smelled a little stale.

Cara shook her head. “No. See how screwed I am? I’m seventeen, and I’ve still never kissed anyone!”

“So how are you going to know what to do when you finally do kiss a guy?” Zoe raised her eyebrows.

“I don’t know. Get a book out of the library?” Cara giggled nervously.

Zoe scooted a little closer. She hadn’t shaved her legs in a while, and dark hairs sprinkled the white flesh of her thighs. “Well, you should practice,” she said.

Cara barked a laugh. “Right. With a pillow? Or maybe Samson?”

“No, dumbass.” Zoe playfully smacked her shoulder. “With me.” She leaned forward and put both hands on Cara’s blue-jeaned knees.

“What?” Cara wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly.

“I’ll practice kissing with you. That way, the next time the situation comes up, you’ll be ready.” Her eyes stared directly into Cara’s.

Cara shifted a little on the gray blanket. She could feel the scratchy wool pricking her through her jeans. What Zoe was saying did make sense. She couldn’t deny all the times she’d thought in panic that she was going to look like a total idiot when— if—some guy ever did want to kiss her, remote as that possibility seemed. “Well, okay,” she said slowly.

Zoe grinned and arranged herself cross-legged so that she was facing Cara. Their knees almost touched. “Okay,” Zoe said. “The first thing you want to do is close your eyes.”

“Right.” Cara closed her eyes. “I already knew that one.” She stared at the darkness on the inside of her eyelids. She could hear Zoe rustle a little next to her.

“Then, you just part your lips a little, but don’t purse them. You have to keep them soft.”

Cara did as instructed. She felt kind of stupid, sitting there with her eyes closed in the middle of a barn, with her female best friend. But she didn’t have much time to muse on it, because she felt Zoe’s soft hands on her shoulders and sensed her leaning close. Without thinking, Cara started to open her eyes. She just caught a blurred glimpse of Zoe very close to her.

“Don’t open your eyes!” Zoe barked. Cara obediently squeezed them shut again.

“Then you just want to press your lips very softly against his, like this,” Zoe said. Cara felt Zoe’s cheek brush hers and then Zoe’s lips pressing against her own. After a second, Cara started to pull away, but Zoe’s nails bit into Cara’s shoulders. Her lips were insistent. Cara’s eyes flew open, and she started in surprise. Zoe’s eyes, ringed with smeared mascara, were staring right into her face.

Cara jerked away. “I thought you said to close your eyes.”

Zoe smiled, apparently unruffled. “I said you should close your eyes. I didn’t say anything about me. I was being the guy, and usually they don’t close their eyes. They’re weird like that.”

Cara didn’t say anything.

“You want to try it again?” Zoe asked. Without waiting for Cara to answer, she leaned forward and pressed her mouth against Cara’s. For a brief instant, a wave of claustrophobia swept over Cara, as if the walls of the barn were closing in around them. The world was consumed by Zoe’s closeness to her. She tried to pull back, but she felt strangely immobile. The grit on the barn floor pressed painfully into her knees. Then she felt Zoe’s lips pressing harder against hers and then the tip of Zoe’s tongue touched the tip of hers like an electric shock.

Cara choked and broke away from Zoe, scrambled to her feet. She stared down at her friend, who still knelt on the blanket, her hands on her bare knees, smiling placidly up at Cara. She glowed in the dimness of the barn as if lit from within.

“Well, what do you think?” Zoe asked. Her voice was calm and friendly, as if asking what Cara thought of a new movie. “Do you feel better now? You’ll be totally prepared the next time you and Ethan are alone together, right?”

Cara didn’t say anything. Zoe stared at her.

“Right, Cara?” she asked more insistently.

“Right,” Cara heard herself whisper. Her voice sounded as if it were coming from a great distance.

Zoe nodded, satisfied by this answer. She rose to her feet and grabbed Cara’s icy hand with her own warm one. “Come on, I’m freezing. Let’s get out of here.”

Cara let Zoe run her out of the barn into the rain. The sky had darkened, and black clouds rolled overhead. Thunder boomed and a streak of lightning flashed across the eastern sky. Cara looked at Zoe, and they both screamed, then burst into laughter.

“Come on!” Zoe shouted over the wind. She grabbed Cara’s hand, and they raced across the fields, stumbling, their wet hair tangled across their faces. “We’re going to get soaked!” Zoe yelled, panting. Like a dream upon waking, Cara felt the memory of what had just happened recede, like the silent barn behind them, fading into the trees.