Violently Happy

Julian, Vlad, and I were sitting on the hood of Fat Ethel staring at the moonlit surface of Lake Angel. The late November night was turning cold, but it felt good to get some fresh air. Both Sam and Allison were working at the mall. Working at the fucking Gap of all places. Just walking into a store like that makes me want to fall to the floor like a vampire struck by sunlight. Julian was making unpleasant popping noises with his mouth.

I reached over and pushed him. "Do you have to do that? It's annoying as hell."

Julian looked over at me blankly, as if I didn't know what I was talking about. "I was thinking."

"You, Julian Morrissey, thinking?" I said teasingly. "Well I know it was either some masturbatory fantasy or...or some masturbatory fantasy." I looked over at Vlad and saw he was smiling. He had stopped wearing his makeup ever since he had gotten his ass beat. I guess he figured it wasn't worth it.

"You guys are both going to laugh, so I'm not going to tell you," Julian said, sitting up. "Screw both of you."

I sat up too. "I promise you we won't laugh. You agree, Vlad?"

"Not even a titter," Vlad said, pulling his knees to his chest.

Julian glared at us both. "I'm serious now. If either of you laugh I'm taking off and you can both walk the hell home. You hear me?"

"I swear," I said. "Brother Vlad?"

"It takes a hell of a lot to make me laugh," Vlad said. "It has to be some pretty funny shit for me to even smile, I can tell you that. As a rule, angst-ridden and death-obsessed teens like myself and Harlan don't laugh very often."

"Well that's bullshit," Julian said, his eyes darting back and forth at us. "Harlan laughs all the time."

Vlad nodded. "Yes, but Harlan is psychotic. He's only violently happy."

"True. True," I said, nodding somberly as I tried to suppress a smile. I looked over at Vlad. "Although can one truly be violently happy? Isn't that an oxymoron?"

"Sure you can," Vlad said. "For example, look at Alex in A Clockwork Orange. You should know better than anybody, Harlan. It's not like you weren't him for Halloween. Remember that scene where Alex kicks that man to death, all the while singing that song 'Singing in the Rain'. What would you say he was?"

I smiled. "Okay, I'm going to venture a guess here, Vlad. Don't kill me if I'm wrong. Was he violently happy?"

Vlad grinned. "Well, let me ask you this. If you were singing Zippity Doo Dah while you were slamming that iron into the side of your Dad's head would that have made you violently happy?"

I put my fist under my chin and acted like I was thinking up some heavy thoughts. "I like that song, even though I'll deny that if you tell anyone. And I certainly wouldn't be singing it if I was sad. You can't sing a happy song like Zippity Doo Dah whilst you're sad." I snapped my fingers in front of my face like I had discovered the cure for cancer. "Wait a second, what if I did sing that song while I was sad? What if I sang it while I was crying? What would that make me?"

We knew we were talking like complete fucking idiots, but the look on Julian's face was truly priceless.

Vlad looked at me with mock seriousness.. I could see he was fighting hard not to break out in hysterics. "I'd have to say the act of singing the song would instantly cheer you up." He snapped his fingers in front of his face the same way that I had. "Wait a second! What if you were crying, singing Zippity Doo Dah and slamming the iron down into your Dad's head? That would make you violently happy-sad."

"No," I said. "Then I would simply just be psychotic."

We both broke down into helpless laughter.

"You guys are both dicks," Julian said, not joining in. "That had to be the stupidest conversation that I have ever heard. I feel like an idiot just for sitting there and listening to it. I think I just lost fucking brain cells. I feel like I'm in the third grade. Or living in a group home listening to two of my housemates talk."

His last statement only made us laugh harder. After a few minutes, we began to calm down.

"You guy's done now?" Julian asked, lying back and looking up at the stars.

"All right, Julian," I said, settling down against the cool windshield. "What's on your mind?"

"Do you believe in God?" Julian said, staring off into the infinite stars.

I sighed. I hated talking about religion. It always left me feeling tired and confused. "I believe in God, yes."

"God rides the same boat as Santa Claus in my mind," Vlad said, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

"When I was young, I always believed in God," Julian said, seemingly mesmerized by the stars. "I always believed if you were a good person then God will protect you. Lately I have to wonder. Look

at you, Harlan. You are probably one of the best people I know, but you've been getting served from the shit pie since the day you were born."

"That's a pretty colorful way to put it," I said, thinking about my life. "I've always believed there is a God. I don't necessarily believe God is good, though. If anything, God is one cruel bastard. I know my life isn't as bad as some. It's more of the overall depression that makes me want to end it all."

"I don't believe God exists at all," Vlad said. "God is just something that people made up to scare people into keeping in line. That and it makes people less afraid of dying if they believe they'll end up in some kind of gold paved heaven."

"That's what really scares me," Julian said. I could see his breath frosting up in the cool air. "The idea God doesn't exist. It's scary to think you die and then there is nothing. Can you handle that, Harlan? I can't. The idea you can kill yourself in a few months, and that's it? No Heaven or Hell? No Purgatory? Harlan Sexton ceases to exist?" He snapped his fingers, mocking the way that both Vlad and I had done only minutes before.

"Sure it scares me," I answered. "But it's also kind of a relief at the same time. To me, death is kind of like sleeping forever. No one will be able to bother or hurt me ever again. I won't have to deal with any problems. In some ways, it's terrifying, but in others it makes me feel good. The idea that I can simply shut everything off and not have to deal is great."

Both of them sat there saying nothing, as if I had said something great and profound. I looked toward the lake and saw fog rolling gently over the calm surface. We stayed there like that in the silence of the night, pondering our futures. Or lack thereof, in my case.

Just a little dark humor for you, Dear Reader.