Chapter Fourteen

I only needed a second to think—just one—to gather my thoughts and answer him. But it must have been one second too long.

Josh’s face tightened. “Did you hear me?”

“I-I did.” Something in me said to respond now. To find my feelings and give him the response he wanted. The one he strained to hear now as he searched my face, his eyes pleading with me.

But I couldn’t stop the doubt from assailing me, taking away every ounce of emotion he’d generated and shoving it behind lock and key.

Josh scrambled away from me. The moment he pulled out, I felt the weight of being without him return. The suffocation of loneliness.

“Christ. I knew I should have stayed away, but like an idiot, I gave in.” He used a corner of the bed sheet to wipe the remnants of our coupling from his semi-erect cock. Holding out the soiled cloth to me, he asked, “Why, then?”

I sat up, folding my legs beneath me. “Because…” The words escaped me. “I just…” How to explain to him that in that moment it seemed so right, that I wanted to be close to him, and that was the best way I knew how? There was no way to tell him I wanted to give him those words back, but some part of me looked on his youth and couldn’t see a future together for us. Hours in bed exploring carnal pleasures, yes. A future? No. To me, hearing those three significant words from him meant he yearned for something more. Something I wasn’t sure I could give.

He shook his head. “Never mind.” Without saying anything further at first, he slipped his clothes on. When dressed, he sat beside me on the bed again. Josh took my hand in his, looking into my eyes. “When I think about you, I think about marriage and babies and all the good stuff. And when I came here tonight, when you let me… I don’t know what you want. What do you see when you look at me?”

There was so much expression in those pretty green eyes of his. Looking into them, I believed he really did love me. But when my gaze traveled to the rest of his face, the only thing I could see was his youth. “Twenty-six,” I said softly.

He let out a sigh that broke my heart. Josh cupped my face between his hands, leaned forward and kissed me. A slow, soft press of his lips to mine. “Good-bye, Regina.”

A voice in my mind screamed at me. It cried out it did love him. That we both loved him. That when I looked at him, there was more there than youth alone. There was promise and hope for so much more between us. But the voice wasn’t powerful enough to move my mouth, and so I sat in silence when he walked out of my bedroom. The ethereal light from the hallway had somehow become a shadow, embracing him as I would not.

I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

In the morning, I dragged myself, fatigued and bleary, through my early workday rituals. A quick shower, brushing my teeth, donning appropriate attire. Stopping by the coffee maker, already programmed to brew, was instinct. I paused, though, when I spied a glint of metal sitting on the kitchen table. When my brain finally recognized the shine from the key I’d given Josh so many weeks ago, the significance of that simple rejection sinking in, I wanted to cry.

“Is what he did so bad?”

I looked up from my computer screen. My eyes felt as if they housed the desert. Blinking at the weariness in them did little to help. “Who? I don’t follow,” I said to Linda.

“Honey, you’ve been moping around here for almost a week. Whoever had put that smile on your face not long ago is the same person who’s making you lose sleep, I bet.”

The mother-figure in my life knew me too well. Since the day of the ballgame, I’d been miserable. “Not him,” I replied. “Me. I messed it up.”

“Oh? Care to talk more about it?”

At last the tears I’d been holding back for so long filled my tired eyes. “What do you do when a new man makes you forget the love of your life?”

“Patrick?”

Linda fished a tissue from somewhere. I don’t know where. Gratitude filled me when I took it to dry my tearstained face. “I haven’t thought about him in such a long time. Not the way I used to. It used to be when I met a new man, I did an immediate mental comparison to Patrick. If he’s as good looking as Pat, if he’s as funny as Pat, if… What kind of person does that make me to betray him like that?” I wailed.

She waited patiently for my sniffling to settle. Minutes passed before I was able to see her through unblurred vision. “One who’s alive.” Linda passed another tissue to me. “Your husband’s dead, honey. Did you really expect to go through the next fifty years by yourself because he was taken from you? The only way you’d betray him is if you isolated yourself in his name. He’d want more for you.”

“But Josh… He’s not Patrick.”

Linda smiled. The same smile given to slow children. “Of course he isn’t.”

“And he’s young.”

“So?”

“Very young.”

“And again I ask, so?”

I blinked this time. Not because of tears hindering my vision but because I hadn’t expected the response. When I blinked again, it was to stall because I didn’t have much of a reply.

“Does he make you happy?”

“Yes,” I answered without hesitation.

“Do you love him?” she asked.

“I do.” My heart jumped a little, and I knew it to be true. Why I didn’t tell Josh in the early hours of the morning would haunt me forever.

Linda stood. “Then I guess I’ll leave you alone to think of a way to un-mess up whatever it is you messed up.”

I barely heard her, for I was already reaching for the phone. Tapping my foot impatiently, I strained to hear the click signaling someone had picked up on the other end. When the ringing stopped and I heard Josh’s recorded voice, my elation flagged a little.

“Josh, please call me,” I said after his voicemail message finished. “It’s Regina.”

I tried once more before the end of the day with the same disappointing results. Linda watched me expectantly over the hours, but I had to give her an ambivalent shrug by way of reply. It wasn’t like Josh to not return my phone call, and that he hadn’t made me wonder about his disappointment. It hurt to think he was so upset he wouldn’t speak to me.

During the drive home, my cell phone sitting next to me, I thought about my indecisive moments over the past few weeks. How did a woman go from accidental voyeurism to finding love? I’d put any excuse available in front of me to keep from confronting Josh. He’d been honest and open with me from the very start. From the day he’d shown himself to me in an exposed moment to this morning when he’d shared his soul, his most vulnerable time with me yet. Either way it was time to stop hiding from him. Whether he chose to accept me or not, I would emotionally strip myself in front of Josh. I would tell him my fears and my hopes. And I would tell him of my love.

I waited for hours for him to come home. Not even to my place but at least to his parent’s house. Every few minutes I stopped by a convenient window facing the street, looking for any sign of his SUV. My heart sped up with each glance because I was sure I’d see the familiar vehicle parked there and I would run to his place. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore and forced myself to sit on the couch in front of the television.

Some inane sitcom kept me company while my impatience grew. Gritting my teeth, I blew out long exhales and inhaled deep. I didn’t want my frustration to be foremost when I finally saw him. I needed to keep my emotions calm. The ritualistic breathing, deep breaths in and out, slow and controlled—along with days of insomnia—were probably why I fell asleep.

I awoke with a start. Some infomercial played on, my neck shrieking its indignation at my choice of temporary bedding. Every muscle in my body pinged in protest when I stumbled from the couch.

Shit. I hurried to the window and, sure enough, beneath the glare of a street lamp, I spied the Range Rover. For a full minute I pondered going over there, despite the hour. How many times had he visited me in the middle of the night? Then again, if he was angry, the last thing I wanted to do was stoke it by being inconsiderate.

My next choice was to wait until morning and try him then, but if he’d only gone to sleep a few hours ago, chances were good I’d still end up waking him. For everyone’s sakes, then, the best option would be to come back in the early afternoon and confront him once and for all. If I didn’t catch him then, I’d try later on in the evening, again and again until we’d spoken. He still hadn’t returned my calls, not that I blamed him, but the disappointment wasn’t enough to keep me from him.

I got ready for work, an hour earlier than normal, and headed there. The distraction of the office would keep me from going insane as the seconds crawled by.

My elation during the drive kept me buoyed for a boring workday, even one that would be cut short when I left early. I’d slept last night, undisturbed by dreams. I felt rested this morning, and the depression I hadn’t realized had been surrounding me began to fade.

I unlocked the building, at once influenced by the silence. Something about being the only person moving, the only noisemaker, made me want to honor the still air by not disturbing it. I moved unhurriedly, glad I’d chosen sensible flats over heels. Although most of the offices were carpeted, the hallway would have echoed the staccato sounds of my shoes if I’d worn them.

A noise from one of the offices drifted to me, and I slowed my pace. Since I’d been the one to unlock the doors, I’d been the first through the building. Right?

Maybe it was nothing, but my gut insisted I should cautiously investigate. At this time of the morning, no one would normally be here. It didn’t mean someone couldn’t be here, obviously, but I was curious to know who could have beaten me.

As I moved closer, the noise became more pronounced. And it wasn’t noise, at least not in the sense I’d thought of it earlier. I listened to the throaty sounds of a woman’s voice speaking. She sounded familiar, but her speech was a little breathy as if she’d just finished exercising. Her volume, and therefore, lack of stealth convinced me she wasn’t afraid of being discovered, which put my warning bells back on silent.

“Hey—” Beth fell from my lips after I turned the corner. I’d finally recognized her, all right. Finding her sitting on a desk, a man standing between her spread legs, had been unexpected. His hand covered her bare breast, the skin turning white beneath his grip. He was still wearing a shirt, his pants bundled around his ankles, while Beth’s shirt was open, her bra pushed above her ample breasts. Whatever skirt or pants she’d been wearing were absent from my view.

They must not have heard the start of my salutation, because he continued to thrust into her while she issued commands to him, using words I hadn’t realized she knew. “That’s it. Fuck me,” she said after a long moan. “Fuck that pussy, Lou.”

I’d almost backed away in time. Really I didn’t care if she was having an office tryst. But the moment I realized it was my boss—the friend who’d come on to me time and again over the past month—the same one who’d promoted Beth standing there, I came to an abrupt halt.

The betrayal stung as if my face had been slapped. Heat flooded both cheeks, though, enough to make my vision cloud with anger. I stalked into the room, shaking with barely contained rage. How long had this been going on? How close had I come to resuming a romantic relationship with Lou? I’d believed him when he said he wanted something long-term. I’d almost been willing to give up Josh for him.

Beth was young and impressionable. I could easily forgive her naiveté in sleeping with the boss. It’s one of those life lessons that isn’t fully appreciated until the repercussions come back to haunt you.

But Lou? He’d been my friend.

“Good morning!” I announced loudly, with enough cheer to make it seem I spoke to a room full of kindergarteners. Ignoring their frantic scrambling, I strode to the light switch and found great satisfaction in flicking it.

“Damn it, Regina—” Lou had the nerve to sound ticked off.

“Don’t tell anyone, please…” Beth pleaded at the same time.

I watched dispassionately as they struggled to get their clothing back in place. Lou’s cursing and Beth’s pleading left me strangely unmoved.

Hands on hips, I asked, “How many others are you fucking, Lou? How many women are believing the little seduction act you’re perpetrating?” I looked down my nose at Beth. “Did he tell you he was trying to get into my pants for the last couple of weeks? Guess that makes two that we know of. You should ask him how many more he’s sleeping with. And look at that…you without a condom.”

Beth’s flushed face paled. She glanced into Lou’s angry face. “You said—” Her voice trembled.

Still in mock-falsetto, I kept going. “I’m leaving for the day—no, I’m taking a leave of absence.” My voice hardened. “Beth can handle whatever projects I have outstanding and whatever she can’t, you can.”

“Don’t do this.” The muscle in his jaw ticked as he spoke, and that evidence of his emotion served to ratchet my own ire.

“Good-bye, Lou. I’ll be back. Maybe in a few weeks. Maybe in a year. Maybe not at all. Either way, you save my job for me.” I stared him in the eyes. “I hope we have an understanding.”

I turned on my heel, not bothering to wait for his reply.